New job, no longer homeschooling, having trouble adjusting. HELP please

[Pam L in Mid Tenn]

You all are such a fount of information...

 

Does anyone know of a good blog or book or you tube video that can help me adjust to my new non homeschooling life?

 

I can not find anything that really relates to me... a 50ish "retired" homeschool mom, with only one child (ds19) still living at home, working a new job, commuting by car over an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening. Dh and DD24 tell me to write my own blog about this life transition.

 

I just need SOME help NOW.

 

I am just exhausted. I have no energy to exercise, cook, clean, hobbies, etc.  I'm working, riding in the car, or sleeping.  I'm alway from home almost 12 hours a day.

 

It sort of feels like that first year or two of homechooling. Or the first year with a new baby. That "How the heck to do I do this?" feeling.

 

You all are probably trying to figure out how to homeschool with a new baby and a todddler.... but maybe your Mom knows of a blog or book to help me!

 

Anything? Or should I just muddle through this and blog my journey?

Help and Thanks.

Pam

[The Girls' Mom]

double post

 

Edited July 1, 2016 by The Girls' Mom

[The Girls' Mom]

Are you getting help at home?  Letting go of some of the homemaker responsibilities/stresses? 

 

I am *almost* in a similar position.  My kids are all still home, but one is in college and the other two will graduate in the spring.  Although they are "homeschooled", one is doing all her classes at either CC or a co-op, and the other is doing independent study to CLEP out of some classes for college.  

Anyway, I'm in school full time and working part-time.  I may be working full time soon and going to school full time.  It really was exhausting at first.  Especially the stress of the lifestyle change. I had to let go of some things (I don't cook much any more.) 

 

Making sure I get enough sleep and eating well (struggling with that one) help me a lot.  I also try to take some time to get out in the sunshine fairly regularly.  

[bettyandbob]

Lots of women return to work at this age. I'm surprised there isn't one out there, but if you do one I bet more will start, unless everyone is too exhausted to do it. Commuting an hour each way is exhausting. 

[AK_Mom4]

So.... Do the math...

 

You are working an 8 hour day? So with lunch that's 9 and add in the two commuting hours. That's 11 hours a day devoted to the job. Now add the first hour of the morning (getting ready for work) and the first hour when you get home (decompressing) -13 hours a day tied up in work-related activities.

 

Were you homeschooling for 13 hours straight each day? Most of us certainly aren't. That's a long day - give yourself some time to get your endurance built up.

 

If you are getting your 8-9 hours of sleep (!), that leaves a grand total of 2-3 hours to squeeze in family time, shopping, cooking, cleaning and your so-called leisure time activities. If you are going to spend some of those 2-3 hours on yourself to exercise or do a hobby, you need to let the rest go.

 

Push all cleaning out until the weekend. Same with shopping - no "quick stop" on the way home - that eats an hour out of your evening. Simple meals, planned on the weekend with a schedule posted on the fridge so your family can help out. If someone cooks, then someone else cleans. DH has cooked and I've been the cleanup crew all our married life, even when we both worked full time in an office and it has made a huge difference in how well I function at the end of a long day.

[Pam L in Mid Tenn]

"The stress of the lifestyle change" YES yes and yes. That is it exactly.

 

I am getting help at home. Ds does some cooking, cleaning, and laundry. Same for Dh.

 

I used to do yoga and/or walk in the late morning. I used to do school and homemaking activities in the morning. I used to work part time 3 or 4 days a week leaving at 1pm and returning at 8pm.

 

Now I work 4 days a week and am away from home almost 12 hours per day. I leave about 7 and get home about 6.

 

I am too tired to do anything. I NEED to eat healthy food and I NEED to do my yoga at least.

[Pam L in Mid Tenn]

I have not "done the math" but yes, that does put things into perspective.

My work day is only about 7 hours and I only get 30 minutes for lunch. No place to escape during lunch either.

Thankfully I only work 4 days a week.

I can let hobbies go.

I just want to feel good and be healthy.

Having fibromyalgia does not help here.

 

[Mandamom]

I can relate, although I made the transition from homeschooling a number of years ago. The transition was tough as I struggled to figure out my new role. LIfe, then threw a major curve which put me back to work 12-14 hours  day, including  3-4 hours of commute and picking up kids time.I really understand the driving -- 125-150 miles per day. Hours and hours in the car. I live about 30 minutes from just about anywhere I need to be.  I have maintained that schedule since 2008.  A year or so ago I started cutting back on work stuff and started grad school  -- so yes, apparently I just need to be occupied   :)

 

This morning I left the house at 6:45am and it is now 10:30pm and I just got home because the kids wanted to go to the carnival. So,I took them even though it wasn't easy on me. Probably some of that was guilt because I'm never home. 

 

 

My husband does some of the at home stuff, but he works 7pm to 7am so his schedule isn't much better than mine as he's usually exhausted. 

 

So, yes, given your schedule you can't do the cooking, hobbies, clean, work and spend time with  your family. You need to figure out whats most important and let the rest go.  

 

For me, I have to work so that has to come first because financially the family requires it. The kids come second -- although that usually means picking them up from some place and grad school comes third. After that, I can't worry about the rest so I don't Yes, the house is a wreck, laundry is barely caught up and dinner comes more and more out of a box. I'm trying to keep some amount of exercise, even if it is the bare minimum but at least I'm doing a little. 

 

I don't know if this helps but I wanted to let you know that I understand where you are. I'm getting near 50 although my kids are younger (15, 14 10)

 

 

 

 

Edited July 1, 2016 by Mandamom

[klmama]

I have no BTDT advice, but I wonder if listening to some good audio books while traveling might help you a little with the stress.

[Ausmumof3]

I don't know but I know even when I was working pre kids and doing most of the housework I was exhausted and I was young then! I think at the end of the day house and life chores exist and going to work doesn't make them go away. It just makes life crazier... Flylady routine helps somewhat but honestly if you are overworked you are overworked and you are going to be exhausted. I don't understand why in a world full of labour saving devices people seem to need to work more hours than ever just to make life affordable.

 

Sorry that wasn't helpful but is just a bit of a side rant because I'm feeling the pressure to work as well although my kid are still young and I just don't get how on earth it's meant to work!

[Melissa in Australia]

Hugs

[Guest]

Hugs!

 

Your exhausted feelings could also be some depression, which is definitely not outside of the range of normal for someone facing a big shift in their life and identity, even if it is all good things. Talking to someone and possibly finding a medication to help you cope for a few months of transition wouldn't be amiss. Neither is making sure you're getting solid nutrition and enough sleep.

[Liz CA]

I have not "done the math" but yes, that does put things into perspective.

My work day is only about 7 hours and I only get 30 minutes for lunch. No place to escape during lunch either.

Thankfully I only work 4 days a week.

I can let hobbies go.

I just want to feel good and be healthy.

Having fibromyalgia does not help here.

 

Similar situation here. I am combining 2 jobs with academic pursuits - all my "fault" as in choice but some days are just plain hard.

I would encourage you not to let all hobbies go by the wayside. This life transition is not supposed to be drudgery or indentured slavery but a new, hopefully rewarding chapter in life. Hobbies are a balance and feed our soul.

[Pam L in Mid Tenn]

Thanks all. I appreciate all posts!

Mandamom: Your life seems similar so you really understand.

 

Life is just SO DIFFERENT than it was a few months ago! And, there may be (probably is) some depression in the mix. Maybe I'll look into some supplements like SAM-E for awhile.

 

I'm getting good sleep, drinking plenty of water, dh and I carpool so we are enjoying being together.... 

Someone mentioned "quality nutrition" ... yes that is part of the problem for sure.

 

Does anyone know of a good book for adjusting to the stress of life changes?

[Jenny in Florida]

Life is just SO DIFFERENT than it was a few months ago! And, there may be (probably is) some depression in the mix. Maybe I'll look into some supplements like SAM-E for awhile.

 

. . .

 

Does anyone know of a good book for adjusting to the stress of life changes?

 

(I snipped just the two parts of your post to which I specifically wanted to respond.)

 

I'm coming up on two years since my own "retirement" from homeschooling, and I'm honestly just now beginning to feel like "me" in a lot of ways.

 

Until pretty recently, I've swung wildly between feeling resentful about what I was doing, mourning my lost life and feeling like I was in some kind of suspended animation until the next time I saw or spoke to one of my kids. When I was actually at one of my jobs, I was more or less okay, but whenever I wasn't actively involved in something else, I would revert to one of the above-mentioned feelings.

 

I kept trying to explain how I was feeling, and I felt so helpless and angry when people seemed to blow it off or try to cheer me up with what seemed like empty platitudes.

 

So, basically, yeah, I was definitely kind of depressed. It was just such a huge change, and one I didn't choose.

 

Does it help to know that you're not alone? And that I, at least, think it's perfectly reasonable and rational to need time and support to find your way to the other side?

 

The good news is that, two years on and now that I'm settling into a job that I like and feel has some long-term potential, the fog is starting to lift for me. I still can't work up any enthusiasm for cooking, but I mostly get the laundry done, and there's usually food in the kitchen for those who can muster the energy to prepare it. I'm starting to appreciate looking around the house and seeing less mess. I sometimes even have enough mental/emotional energy to start working on some things for myself.

 

As for a good book, I have no sugestions. I looked, too, and I'm pretty sure I also asked here. For about a year, I got kind of obsessed with reading anything I could get my hands on -- even chick-lit novels -- and watching every movie I could find about a woman going back to work after a break. Even when I wasn't filtering for quality, it's not a long list, and most of the titles are not things I would "recommend." But if you do get any good suggestions, I'd sure be interested to hear about them.

 

And if you start that blog, I'll definitely read it.

Edited July 2, 2016 by Jenny in Florida

[Joyofsixreboot]

Just listening because my day will be coming.

[MomatHWTK]

Are you working because you want to or have to?

[Pam L in Mid Tenn]

I have to work financially and want to work emotionally.

I can not imagine going from my "career" as homeschool mom to NOT working outside the home.

 

Jenny: thanks for your experience. You could not find a good book??

 

Maybe I'll blog and write a book. (In my spare time , of course! )  :crying:

[Pippen]

Going back to work was both exhausting and emotionally a challenging time for me. It was as if I was airlifted out of one life and suddenly into another. It didn't help that the teacher I was scheduled to do a maternity leave for went on bedrest two months early, so I truly was unprepared. I didn't make the leap from homeschooling at the same time that you're dealing with, so I can only imagine what you're going through. 

 

I didn't look for a book.I wouldn't have had the time or energy to read it when I first went back. I might have read a blog, but only if it were brief and the contents were really worth my while. Thinking back on my mood and situation then, worthwhile reading would have probably been something along the lines of what I usually find therapeutic reading, and that's finding humor in the everyday things of life.

 

Exhaustion was the worst part of the transition for me. I literally laid down on the sofa and sobbed at the end of that first week. I found a short nap at the end of the day helped get me through the evening. And that's on top of having a great support system. My wonderful friends were bringing me meals those first weeks!

 

Meal preparations were a struggle because the shopping and cooking patterns that had worked for me for years no longer were available. We were used to having good, homemade meals that I usually started earlier in the day. Food also cost more because I didn't have the time to sale shop like I used to and there was more waste (ie meat that I defrosted and didn't find time to cook.) Clothing costs are higher, and I'm in the stores less to find deals. I'm a substitute teacher and honestly I think financially it's a wash whether I work 4 days a week or 5. 

 

I asked moms who were working how they handled meals and the one that helped me the most said she never freezes meat before cooking and only buys what she can cook before the next shopping trip. She also said she tries to make up larger quantities of a few good meals on Sunday--if when possible half goes to the freezer and the rest go to the fridge for the week. I also gave myself permission to use paper plates liberally and do carryout once in awhile. The world hasn't ended. 

 

One of the harder parts was no longer having life oriented around my home. I genuinely missed being there--and mourned the loss of my life as Jenny mentioned above. I missed time spent caring for my families needs and the needs of others. I felt like my family was getting the leftovers. I missed hobbies. I wound up keeping one volunteer position that I get a lot of satisfaction from, but that was seasonal, and let everything else go. 

 

That was four years ago and it's better now. I've adjusted to the changes, even though I don't like them. 

 

I don't think I was depressed, but I definitely was off my game that first year and well into the second. I'm a steady state sort without a lot of highs and lows, so I just did what I always do when things get tough--put one foot in front of the other and know that things would get better. Also helpful was finally getting myself mentally to a place where I truly grasped that this season isn't going to be as personally fulfilling as the past 30 have been. That was hard for me to accept, but my reality right now is that we need me working, and working in a job that has a lot of flexibility because of the long hours my husband works.  

 

As for blogging, I say go for it.  :hurray: I might have time to read it now, while I'm busily catching up on summer vacation. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited July 2, 2016 by Pippen

[Pam L in Mid Tenn]

Great post, Empress Bee.

Reading is one of the hobbies I want to still find time for. I think that reading books and websites on adjusting to change will help me through this transition.

[Jenny in Florida]

I'm a steady state sort without a lot of highs and lows, so I just did what I always do when things get tough--put one foot in front of the other and know that things would get better. Also helpful was finally getting myself mentally to a place where I truly grasped that this season isn't going to be as personally fulfilling as the past 30 have been. That was hard for me to accept, but my reality right now is that we need me working, and working in a job that has a lot of flexibility because of the long hours my husband works.  

 

Yes, my husband calls me the Energizer Bunny, as in, I may not move quickly, but I keep going (and going . . .).

 

I think part of what has made this transition so difficult for me is that I'm very future-focused. I'm happiest when I'm brainstorming and working out plans. Homeschooling was a great fit for me in that I was always thinking ahead about curricula and opportunities for my kids. I did fine right up through helping my son choose a college and get moved into his dorm, and then I crashed. My new life, with somewhat limited opportunities for employment and continuing education, simply doesn't offer the scope for dreaming and planning that I had as a homeschooling mom. I'm much less interested in my own "career development," such as it is, than I was in helping and supporting my kids. What I do now just doesn't feel very important, and that was hard to accept.

 

 At some point, giving myself permission to just feel yucky, as long as I take care of what actually needs to be done, was important. Not having to pretend I am happy about the changes saves me a lot of energy.

 

Articulating that this next season isn't ever likely to be as rewarding or important for me as what I've already done has also been a really big deal. It made me feel worse for a bit, but, again, saves some emotional energy in not having to keep up any pretenses. I can go back to keeping my head down and forging ahead.

 

And nearly two years on, I'm gradually learning to reintegrate things into my life. I have always read a fair amount, but this year I set myself goals that it looks like I will be able to meet. Now that I have a job that pays a bit better than I was able to get initially, I'm starting to pay attention to trying to get our financial lives organized. I'm very tentatively moving towards possibly earning a new educational credential. In just the last few weeks, I've started to feel twinges of interest in trying to lose some weight.

 

It's a process.

Edited July 2, 2016 by Jenny in Florida

[kroe1]

I survive on my DH's helpful advice, "there's plenty of time to sleep when you're dead."

[Pam L in Mid Tenn]

I crashed on Saturday and "wasted" the day. I wish I had given myself permission to feel yucky.  I love that phrase. and that is exactly what I need to do for a while.  Just acknowlege that my life has changed.

 

And, as I think about everything.... it is the change is SCHEDULE that is the main problem right now.

[FaithManor]

Pam, if the new job pays well enough, I'd either pay the 19 year old for some household chores or hire a neighbor or something. I think it is a huge transition, and that in time, your body will adjust, but if you try to sleep 8, away from home 12, and have to get ready in the morning, potentially 30 -45 minutes - then you only have 3.25 -3.5 hours to be with family and that probably is not best spent cooking and cleaning. Most men if they are gone those kinds of hours are more likely to relax in the evening, hang with the kids, watch a movie, etc., and then handle their chores on the weekends. So I think you should cut yourself a break, and then try to get some help with the regular stuff. Even if it was just hiring someone to vacuum once per week, wipe the counters, sweep the bathroom and kitchen, do three loads of laundry so you can make it to the weekend, and sort mail if your husband doesn't do that in the evening, I think you'd feel a lot better. If you find someone efficient, they can come into the house, start a load, go do another chore, put the load in the dryer and start another, while that processes do something else, and be out of the house in three hours. Around here housekeeping with an independent person and not an agency would be around $9.00 an hour. Not sure what it is where you live, but there are retired women and SAHM moms looking for something flexible to earn a little or even a really responsible teen if not your own ds depending on his work hours and such. If you offered $12.00 an hour that's only $36.00 a week. I think it is worth it so you feel like you can come home in the evenings and just rest.

 

As for supper, here's the deal. Popping chicken and veggies into the crockpot before you leave for work, set to low, is fine. Stocking the makings for sandwiches, salads, and fresh fruits  is fine. Literally, they will remain healthy, no one is going to die, if they have to make their own chef salads every night, and if someone is getting home from work before you do at night and that person feels deprived, that person can cook. Plain and simple. With a commute like that, eating mostly fresh, uncooked stuff is fine. And yes, a ds of 19 - I have one those bottomless pits myself - can fill up on sliced cheddar, banana, and a salad with some chopped deli ham on top. I've seen it. The miracle does occur!  :lol:

 

You need to let yourself sit in a chair with a good book, and chill in the evenings.

[DawnM]

I will *hopefully* be joining you in the Fall and going back to work full time.

 

I honestly have been comtemplating exactly what you are saying......the time all filled up 100% of the time, the exhaustion, the being away from home for most of my time, etc.....

 

Here is what I have thought so far:

 

Instant Pot meals, frozen meals (don't judge), easy meals.  THEY clean up.

 

Cleaning, I might even hire someone twice per month.  I will offer the job to the kids for pay, if they don't want it, I will hire it out.  

 

My first 4 months, at least that, will be devoted to getting used to being back at work.  That is all I can muster to start.

 

 

[Pam L in Mid Tenn]

I am working for financial reasons and can not justify paying for a housecleaner. Although, that IS a good idea. I'm in a more "transition job"... more $ than minimum wage but not a "corporate" salary. If I decide to go for a "real" full time position next year, I might consider a housecleaner for a few hours a week.

 

My 19 year old son is a TON of help! He always keeps the living room and his bathroom clean. He cooks a real meal at least once a week, sometimes twice... but his schedule will be changing soon and I can't rely on his "chef service." He's a great cook by the way!

 

I'm not judging frozen dinners. We are eating pot pies with rice at night and I'm buying frozen meals for my lunch and son's lunch every day OR canned soup. We like Progresso. :)  Breakfast is a non-issue... I have not "cooked" breakfast in years.

 

I do need to use my crockpot more. Don't have an instant pot.  We like salads, so having some chicken breasts cooked ahead of time to put on a salad would be easy.

 

I think it will take several months to really get a handle on scheduling. Cleaning or exercising when I get home will NOT happen! I can clean in the kitchen while coffee brews/cools every morning and make the bed as soon as we get up.

[regentrude]

Be gentle with yourself. As others have pointed out, it is a big transition, and the job+commute leaves you very little time at home.

Give yourself permission to cut corners. As long as important stuff gets done - food, clean clothes, shower - the rest is nice if you can get it, but no big deal.

It will get easier. With a schedule like this, evenings are not the time for chores, but for rest and relaxation. If nobody is home all day, it does not get that dirty and you can do a quick clean on the weekend.

I recommend listening to some audio books during the commute. That changes it from a grueling chore to "me"-time, at least a little bit. You mentioned you like to read; this is time you can use to do that - as a read-aloud :)

 

ETA: I think you need to make self care your top priority. Figure out how you can nourish yourself - by being outside, or taking a bath, or curcling up with a book. Forget about the household chores; they can wait and will eventually get done. Use your precious evening time to do something that nurtures YOU.

Edited July 4, 2016 by regentrude

[sunflowerlady]

Following along. My dd is going into her senior year. She works part time and has a social life. We are buying a new home and I will feel better with adding in some more income to my part time work at home job. I am applying for a full time warehouse job and just got a call for an interview (yikes) working in the school system's extended day program (part time) . 

 

Changes are in the air for many of us.  :willy_nilly:

[G5052]

Not by way of encouragement, but you have to let go of having a lot of time and flexibility. 

 

As others have said, the crockpot and routine are your friends. I have perpetual, prioritized to-do lists for each area of life.

 

I work from home, but I do find that if I get up early to do some chores, get dinner started, and have some "me" time, the rest of the day goes better. That was difficult this last year because I've been sleeping so poorly (stress and middle-aged stuff), but I'm hoping to get back to that schedule in the fall. I don't work in the summer, so I'm trying to deal with my sleeping difficulties and catch up on some household stuff so that the fall runs more smoothly.

 

Being a work-for-pay mom is indeed hard. Honestly, unless you've been there, I don't think people understand how hard it is. My DH doesn't, my church (mostly SAHM moms) don't, and many of my friends don't.

[kewb]

I am slowly taking on more part time work as ds is off to college in the fall and dd is a junior and most of her coursework is outsourced

 

I am drawing on my experiences when I worked full time and has a toddler and a baby.

 

Housework: Let it go. As long as you are not wallowing in filth a few dust bunnies never hurt anyone.

 

Food: Set aside the time to prep work so you have chopped veggies on hand to throw a meal together.

 

Tired all the time: Accept it. Once you get into a routine you won't be so exhausted but it is part of the transition.

[Anacharsis]

I noticed you said riding in the car instead of driving; if you aren't the driver, that hour back and forth can be valuable time. If you have a smartphone, you may find that there is a larger variety of tasks (or just enjoyable hobbies) that can be completed while sitting in the passenger seat.

 

Depending on how long your lunch break is, you may be able to build in some light exercise; a walk after eating is supposed to help with digestion anyway. :)

 

With cooking and cleaning, if any of the devices you normally use have automated timers, they might be really helpful now; that way the coffee will be ready when you wake up, the rice will be ready when you get home, the clothes washer will ding when you walk through the door, and the cat will already have been fed.

 

 

Edited July 5, 2016 by Anacharsis

[Pam L in Mid Tenn]

All good thoughts and ideas. Thanks to everyone!

[Harriet Vane]

Transitioning withya. 

 

My dd graduated and my ds transitioned to a local high school. After thirteen years, suddenly I was no longer homeschooling. I find myself tearfully yearning for the days when we read aloud on the couch, made history crafts. and had fabulous museum field trips together. 

 

Trying to adjust to part time work, thinking forward towards a possible Master's degree when ds graduates high school.

 

Doing it all with a connective tissue disorder.

 

No advice here. Just commiseration.

 

:grouphug:

[AngieW in Texas]

I just finished my second year of full-time work and it has been a big adjustment. I'm a teacher, so once the school year starts, I am busy pretty much all the time. I leave at 7:30am and get back home about 5:30pm and then generally have at least 2 hours of work to do in the evening plus about 10 hours of work to do over the weekend. But I do get my summers mostly off.

 

I am spending a lot of time this summer prepping for next year so my school year won't be as frantic. 

 

I gained 10 pounds my first year of teaching and then I gained another 10 pounds my second year of teaching. I couldn't afford to gain any. I'm working on a diet and exercise plan this summer to hopefully at least get back down to where I started last school year. If I can lose 10 pounds this summer and then maintain that weight and then lose 10 pounds again next summer and maintain that weight, I will be very happy.

 

I have a very hard time doing any cooking during the schoolyear. That was a big part of my weight gain. I also tended to start eating when I got home and keep eating until I went to bed.