Gift card wedding shower?

[Night Elf]

Is this really a thing? To have a wedding shower and ask for gift cards only? My dd says people do it when they've already been living on their own and have a houseful of things already. Do you get to request what gift cards you want?

[KatieJ]

That goes on the wave length of the wedding invite I have sitting in my house waiting for a response.

They requested no gifts as they had everything already, but if want to make a donation, they would accept that .

 

We are thinking of letting them know we made a donation to,our 401k on their behalf.

 

Snarky, sorry.

Edited May 7, 2016 by KatieinMich

[Ellie]

Is this really a thing? To have a wedding shower and ask for gift cards only? My dd says people do it when they've already been living on their own and have a houseful of things already. Do you get to request what gift cards you want?

 

I have never been to such a "shower." I think it's kind of tacky. But then I don't love gift cards, so there's that.

[whitestavern]

I think it's kind of tacky, too. I mean these are your closest friends that are invited to the wedding. They're aware if you have lived on your own or as a couple for a while and "have everything". If there is no registry, chances are they'll just give you money or a gift card on their own.

[BrittanyM]

The only reason I would see the point in that is if the bride is moving across the country or something and won't have space to take tons of things with her. We had a shower for a friend and she was getting married and moving to Missouri, so her shower was like that.

 

 

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[Spryte]

I'd honestly probably go along with it, while privately rolling my eyes.

 

I would never do it (oh yeh, I wanted nothing to do with showers, but if I had - I would not have specified a single word about gifts!).

 

No idea if it's a thing. If it is, it's time for it to stop. :)

[Spryte]

I would buy them a copy of Emily Post and not provide a gift card. ;)

And while I did the above, I'd be fantasizing about this...

Edited May 7, 2016 by Spryte

[goldberry]

I would not do this, but I seriously don't get the outrage.  When I'm giving a gift, I want it to be something both appreciated and useful.  Why would I be angry that they are letting me know what that would be?  As long as there are options within my budget, I'm good.

[Carol in Cal.]

First of all, if this is shower presumably it is hosted by people other than the happy couple and their family members.

It's not out of the question for a shower to have a designated theme, and it's not inappropriate.

If the theme is gift cards, I would think that that is at least more personal than asking for cash.

I think it's a gray area from an etiquette standpoint.  It would be better to know what the couple would like and be able to point people to a specific registry or to specific gifts.  But if, say, they are saving for camping equipment, it would not be unreasonable to suggest a gift card to REI, with a note saying something along the lines of:  'Toward your tent!  Enjoy!'

 

 

[Ellie]

I think it's kind of tacky, too. I mean these are your closest friends that are invited to the wedding. They're aware if you have lived on your own or as a couple for a while and "have everything". If there is no registry, chances are they'll just give you money or a gift card on their own.

 

This.

[mamiof5]

I try my best to give for a present what someone wants or needs, not what I would like to give, or what I would like. Gift card requests wouldn't bother me a bit.

[Carrie12345]

I would go along with it, but don't really get it.  I suppose it's a step above "Cash only, please!"

 

A big move, like someone mentioned above, would make a lot of sense, and I'm sure I could come up with other reasons that would be just as logical, but I would think that guests close enough to the couple to attend would be aware of those situations.  Otherwise, why not just make the darn registries at the places you would want to buy things?

 

The weddings I've been invited to usually involve multiple gift situations, and I generally wind up doing some combo of a registry gift and a GC from a registry place because I know most places give couples discounts on the items that remain on their registry.  So, if someone else buys them part of a set or whatever, they can pick up the missing pieces at a discount or whatever.

 

In the end, I know it's all the same thing on the financial end, but it is a lot less personal.

[regentrude]

seems tacky on the surface, but really not any more than a registry where they "suggest" gifts. I see no big difference between "we want these particular THINGS" and "we want gift cards so we can buy the things we want".

If this is tacky, a registry is too.

[busymama7]

I think it's tacky to have a wedding shower for a couple that has already set up housekeeping. I get that people will probably still give gifts at the actual wedding but I don't think having a party just for gifts to set up your household when you already have done so on your own dime should be a thing. Since a large group of our society has chosen to change the practicalities surrounding weddings and their purpose (by acting married before they are) I think the traditions around weddings need to change along with them.

[regentrude]

Since a large group of our society has chosen to change the practicalities surrounding weddings and their purpose (by acting married before they are) I think the traditions around weddings need to change along with them.

Huh? "acting married"? Many people live independently as singles and have a complete household before they even meet their future partner.

The model of living at home until marriage no longer reflects the realities of society, especially for highly educated people.

 

If their friends and families want to give gifts on the happy occasion of them committing to a partner, why not?

To me, marriage is about a lot more than toasters and serving dishes. And I can think of many things that could enrich a couple's lives beyond basic household necessities.

Edited May 8, 2016 by regentrude

[busymama7]

Huh? "acting married"? Many people live independently as singles and have a complete household before they even meet their future partner.

The model of living at home until marriage no longer reflects the realities of society, especially for highly educated people.

 

If their friends and families want to give gifts on the happy occasion of them committing to a partner, why not?

To me, marriage is about a lot more than toasters and serving dishes. And I can think of many things that could enrich a couple's lives beyond basic household necessities.

.

 

Well yes of course I wasn't thinking about singles. I was thinking about those that live together for years and then throw a bridal shower which has been for the purpose of setting up housekeeping. All I'm saying is it's ok of the traditions change because society has changed.

Edited May 8, 2016 by busymama7

[regentrude]

.

I was thinking about those that live together for years and then throw a bridal shower

I was under the impression that the shower is never thrown by the bride/couple, but rather by the bride's friends/relatives?

(I may have gotten this wrong, since this custom does not exist in my home culture)

Edited May 8, 2016 by regentrude

[TCB]

Crazy story - my niece went to a shower for one of her friends. The couple were registered somewhere, so the expectation was that the guests would bring a gift. They were also asked to plan a date night for the newly weds and buy gift cards for movie, meal etc ( why does a newly married couple need someone to plan date nights - every night's a date night when you are newly wed and don't have kids), and they were asked to donate stuff for their pantry - canned goods etc! So the guests were supposed to outfit their house, plan their entertainment, and feed them!

[Night Elf]

Crazy story - my niece went to a shower for one of her friends. The couple were registered somewhere, so the expectation was that the guests would bring a gift. They were also asked to plan a date night for the newly weds and buy gift cards for movie, meal etc ( why does a newly married couple need someone to plan date nights - every night's a date night when you are newly wed and don't have kids), and they were asked to donate stuff for their pantry - canned goods etc! So the guests were supposed to outfit their house, plan their entertainment, and feed them!

 

I'm flabbergasted. Honestly.

[TammyS]

Well, I think registries or otherwise directly asking for gifts is tacky.  It's also tacky for a person throw their own shower.  It's supposed to be thrown for them.  Doing it for yourself is just a solicitation of gifts. 

[Carol in Cal.]

I was under the impression that the shower is never thrown by the bride/couple, but rather by the bride's friends/relatives?

(I may have gotten this wrong, since this custom does not exist in my home culture)

It's actually not supposed to be hosted by the bride OR by the bride's family, but by friends.  The family can throw an engagement party, which I think is more proper when it's the groom's family that does this.  In that case presents are sometimes brought, but the focus is on introducing the spouse to be to the other party's family's friends.  These have become very unusual, but are still done in some circles. particularly when the happy couple lives some distance away from the hosting family.  

 

Of course, the absolute no no on throwing yourself a shower and hence trolling shamelessly for presents is not always followed anymore.  My SIL threw herself a baby shower, and invited everyone by evite (so everyone saw who was invited and their replies), and included the registry information in the evite.  She is a friendly but utterly clueless person.

 

 I had RSVPed in the affirmative and only snarked about it here.  Obviously.  Because the only thing ruder than doing something rude is accusing someone of doing something rude.

 

Then she went into labor the day before the shower, and it had to be cancelled.  

 

  

 

 

[Carol in Cal.]

Well, I think registries or otherwise directly asking for gifts is tacky.  It's also tacky for a person throw their own shower.  It's supposed to be thrown for them.  Doing it for yourself is just a solicitation of gifts. 

I agree with you, except that having a registry does not ask for gifts.  Publicizing it yourself does; an important distinction from an etiquette standpoint.  It is a kindness and a courtesy to enable people who wish to do so to select a gift that you would love.  It is rude to request one.  So the way that this is done correctly is to establish a registry, but only pass on the link or the name of the store where one is registered IF ASKED.  And properly, friends will pass this information around among themselves.  

[HS Mom in NC]

seems tacky on the surface, but really not any more than a registry where they "suggest" gifts. I see no big difference between "we want these particular THINGS" and "we want gift cards so we can buy the things we want".

If this is tacky, a registry is too.

 

You beat me to it.  I was thinking the same thing.

 

 

I'm not someone who thinks that just because something was done a certain way in 1965 that must henceforth, ever more, form this day forward until the end of eternity done the same way.  Cultural tradition isn't sacred and holy. Tradition can be a useful tool sometimes and traditions change over time as cultural change happens. 

 

I've never been sent a gift card only shower invitation.  If I did I'd give a gift card at the shower.  I don't go around policing how other people celebrate weddings or other events.  As long as nothing they ask me to do conflicts with what the Bible commands or forbids, it doesn't fit my budget, or it's something crazy, I don't get in upset by someone doing it differently than I did or than Emily Post recommends. Seriously, who care what Emily Post said about anything?  I have no idea why people give her so much authority over their lives. It's just bizarre.

 

I've never gotten an invitation from a registered couple that didn't include where they were registered.  It would be considered a huge mistake to leave that information off the invitation.  People would complain about a bride being thoughtless enough to not include that information. I've heard plenty of complaints on that front.

 

More than half of the showers I've attended were hosted by family members.  How on earth is that rude?  It's the norm.  There is nothing at all wrong with a related person throwing a shower for someone.  I swear this Emily Post nonsense is a cult with some people. Stop drinking the kool aid, folks. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

That's not really any different than gift registries.  I have no problem with that at all.  I'd rather get something the couple wants/needs than give them the 10th toaster.  That said, I would not take this to mean that if you don't get them a gift card you'll be hung up by your toes.  If you don't want to do that then don't do that.  If you planned to give them a gift anyway, why not get them what they want.  We say this all like we have no idea that gifts are customary for these things.  They are. 

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

Yeah not to mention Emily Post died 56 years ago.  Customs change. 

 

You beat me to it.  I was thinking the same thing.

 

 

I'm not someone who thinks that just because something was done a certain way in 1965 that must henceforth, ever more, form this day forward until the end of eternity done the same way.  Cultural tradition isn't sacred and holy. Tradition can be a useful tool sometimes and traditions change over time as cultural change happens. 

I've never been sent a gift card only shower invitation.  If I did I'd give a gift card at the shower.  I don't go around policing how other people celebrate weddings or other events.  As long as nothing they ask me to do conflicts with what the Bible commands or forbids, it doesn't fit my budget, or it's something crazy, I don't get in upset by someone doing it differently than I did or than Emily Post recommends. Seriously, who care what Emily Post said about anything?  I have no idea why people give her so much authority over their lives. It's just bizarre.

I've never gotten an invitation from a registered couple that didn't include where they were registered.  It would be considered a huge mistake to leave that information off the invitation.  People would complain about a bride being thoughtless enough to not include that information. I've heard plenty of complaints on that front.

More than half of the showers I've attended were hosted by family members.  How on earth is that rude?  It's the norm.  There is nothing at all wrong with a related person throwing a shower for someone.  I swear this Emily Post nonsense is a cult with some people. Stop drinking the kool aid, folks. 

 

[kewb]

I have not experienced a gift card only shower but I can see the practicality of it even if it is not something I would do.  My feeling on whether or not I think it is tacky or something I would or would not do are not relevant. I will respect their wishes and get them what they want.  It is ruder to display your own rude behavior in response to someone else's behavior.

 

What I hate is the fund our honeymoon requests. A couple I know set up a website (a very well done website) for their destination wedding weekend.  Listing the events that would be taking place, what the accommodations were like along with various options.  Then I saw the registry page.  Links to your standard registry items-Williams Sonoma, pottery barn, etc.  Then the honeymoon link where you could purchase a couples massage, horseback riding, other spa treatments, donate to the overall cost of the honeymoon.  They also had links to their favorite outdoor items for camping, hiking. As they explained they had most of what they needed to set up house as they are older singles.  On the one hand, I applauded their innovative thinking.  They have most of what they need to set up house.  They love to camp and go on adventures so new equipment makes a lot of sense.  On the other hand, I would resent being asked to fund their honeymoon. 

[craftymama]

I don't see the problem with it except  that I would hate to miss the opportunity to really embarrass my best girl friend at her bridal shower with something a bit more personal.   :laugh:

[Granny_Weatherwax]

We were invited to an engagement party where the couple (who were living together in a house they purchased) requested no gifts but stated that contributions to either pay off their student loans or help fund their honeymoon would be greatly appreciated. BTW - it's been a year and a half and they have yet to set a wedding date. Sometimes I wonder if the engagement party was a socially acceptable way to raise money for their debts (pre Go Fund Me days).

 

I think the gift card party is mild in comparison.

[J-rap]

I haven't been to a shower like that.  The ones I've been to have all been pretty traditional I guess.

 

Wedding registries used to bug me, but now, especially if it's someone I don't know too well, I appreciate being able to just go to their registry and see what they could really use.  I am surprised, however, at the cost of items on some registries these days.  I've been on some where the majority of their requested items range from $100-$500!  Many people I know could never afford to pay that much for a gift, especially if they have several weddings to attend in one summer.

[Amber in SJ]

Well, I will put in my $.02 here.  My dd is getting married (in 2 weeks.)  She has been in another state in college for several years.  The wedding is here in the our hometown.  An old friend who has known my daughter for most of her life is throwing her a shower this week.  Both the bride & groom are still in college and have very little in the way of home goods.  They are flying home after the wedding.  They do not have room to take tons of presents on the plane, and so on the invitation it was stated that because of space constraints, gift cards would be appreciated.  They are registered at Target & Amazon and both of those places will ship the item to their future home for free when items are purchased from the online registry.  No one has been offended or told us they thought it was tacky.  People ask me all the time where she is registered.

 

Having online registries has been very helpful for me for all the getting married kids.  I go online, choose a present and it gets sent with a few clicks.  If it is someone I don't know well or don't know their taste.  I have to admit I get a kick out of ordering the ugliest thing on the registry.  

 

Amber in SJ