Wedding Question

[Haiku]

I have always felt that I owe my kiddos a first car, a college education, and a wedding. 

 

Wow. We'd be on the hook for about $420,000. No, thank you!

[heartlikealion]

What makes you assume after the money was handed over that would be it?  This thread was about who pays for what.  That's doesn't automatically mean none of us would be involved or help with planning if we were asked to. It means we'd hand the money over up front so our adult children have realistic expectations and we don't have any debt or failure to meet our long term responsibilities like savings and retirement.  Which, by the way, does affect our kids long term when we're elderly.

 

Not everyone wants their family involved in planning details.  I had no interest in asking my 3 older, unattached brothers to help me with wedding planning.  Did they help load and set up chairs?  Yes, but that wasn't what was being discussed in this thread.

 

How nice that you have a family that works well together.  What's that like?  You are aware that many many families are incredibly complicated, right?  You do know that some family members are overbearing, controlling, manipulative and petty, even during wedding prep and festivities, right?  Not yours, obviously, but surely you're aware not all families are like yours, right?

 

I got that impression, too, but I think that's because I was noting the OP's comment about hating planning.

 

[TammyS]

Out of curiosity, since it's subjective, what are you all calling inexpensive, moderate and expensive in TODAY's dollars?

 

Anything over $5K is getting stupidly expensive, IMO.

 

When I read the posts about $20K weddngs, my mind boggles.  I can't imagine it.  I would have been mortified by that kind of conspicuous consumption.  If my dh's family had been talking about a wedding of that expense, I would have had to have serious conversations with him (before the wedding) about values and expectations, to make sure that he didn't share his family's values about consumption and money, or I would have called it off.

 

We spent less than $1K, which included dinner at a nice restaurant for our families.  If we had had bigger families, we would have done some kind of rent a hall and have family cook sort of thing, probably.

[TammyS]

Still, I worry that one of the girls' weddings will involve a social-butterfly mother of the groom who, like my mother, can't imagine not inviting everyone she's ever known.  But surely I can trust that if that's the case, we will just provide what we can, and if it's important to the groom's family, they will cover the extra expense?

 

I don't know if it's a perfect solution, but I have a friend who has had several daughters get married (and she and her dh paid for all of the wedding).  She just handles it by taking on the role of "host", and doesn't discuss what will be spent with the other family (they get to host the rehearsal dinner).  She gives the groom's mother a number that she can invite and a date to get her the list by so the invitations go out.  If you want to host, I would say that's a good way to do it.  Just give the other mom a number, without any suggestion that it's negotiable (of course, you have to be reasonable, you can't both have large families and you allow her only 20% of the guest list or something).

 

[TammyS]

I have a friend with three daughters and one recently became engaged to a young man whose parents spent nearly thirty grand on his older sister's wedding. The expectation on them is very high, and their income is no where near the ballpark of the other family. In addition due to large family size combined with divorce and remarriages within a group that maintains tight relationships, their own extended family is HUGE and have a very real expectation of a big wedding, very beautiful, lots of gourmet foods and treats, dj and dancing,.... and the traditionalist groom's family is not offering to pay. The bride has been in tears more than once, the groom has had to tell his family to back off, and the loud obnoxious opinions of the grand parents, step grandparents, etc. so great that my soft, dear people pleasing friend is tied in knots, her husband very angry. Not a happy time and they are trying to help their eldest daughter through college.

 

I see this kind of ridiculous nonsense all the time as an event planner. Not my first rodeo as the saying goes. I am a fan of "run off to Vegas with your two best friends" for couples who have this kind of unfortunate behavior among their relatives.

 

I doubt this couple will do that though they absolutely should because their wedding and reception will be a complete misery, an exhausting endeavor that they merely survive, so since this bride and her mama are near and dear to me, I will do what I can, let them use a lot of my supplies, decor, etc. for free, and endure, but I am not looking forward to it.

 

Learn from this. Do not be those parents, those in laws, those relatives. Be realistic, be supportive, be happy. Be the no pressure people. There are future relationships to consider and the wedding insanity, my way or the highway, method is not a good way to begin with your future in law.

 

That's so sad.  Could the bride's mother maybe give her some cover by having her act as "host" and all questions just get referred to her?  I'm assuming as an older (than the bride) woman she will have more backbone and more ability to tell these people that as host she will be making decisions and that as guests they will show up on the day and enjoy what they are served?

 

[bettyandbob]

Anything over $5K is getting stupidly expensive, IMO.

 

 

Depends on where you live.

 

I think where we live 5K would be quite inexpensive. That would be a park or community center venue, appetizers (no meal), no open bar (maybe wine and beer), champagne for toast. And something for music. Probably less than 100 guests.

 

If someone has a larger family and a bigger social circle and wants to serve a meal the cost will go up exponentially.

[marbel]

A thought just occurred to me.  This is related to the topic but not to any specific posts or posters.

 

So often here (on this board), people talk about the importance of experiences in their lives.  Travel and such.  Skydiving.  Climbing a mountain, diving in the Great Barrier Reef.  There are people who feel that those experiences are worth spending some money on. Then there are people talking about how wasteful expensive weddings are.  Maybe there is or maybe there is not overlap between those groups of people. 

 

But anyway, a wedding is an experience.  Some people want a big lavish experience for their wedding.  Just as some people might go into a bit of debt for a while in order to have a great travel experience, so some may think it's worth it to go into a little debt for a wedding.  Or, not even going into debt, but spending a lot of money and having to cut back on other things for a while.

 

A big expensive wedding isn't my idea of a great experience worth spending a lot of money on, but then I thought my $5000 wedding was fairly inexpensive for the time and place, and it was just the way my husband and I wanted it to be.   But it's not different from any other experience that people are willing to spend money on.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[SquirrellyMama]

Depends on where you live.

 

I think where we live 5K would be quite inexpensive. That would be a park or community center venue, appetizers (no meal), no open bar (maybe wine and beer), champagne for toast. And something for music. Probably less than 100 guests.

 

If someone has a larger family and a bigger social circle and wants to serve a meal the cost will go up exponentially.

 

Our wedding was held in my dh's childhood church, the reception in the basement. My MIL made our cake which consisted of 2 sheet cakes, and one small round cake for our cake topper. We helped with salads, and she also made pulled pork and beef. We had no alcohol. I think we mailed 50 invitations, and had around 30 people come. We got married in MN during the winter :) I suppose we should have expected the snow .

 

We invited the number of people we thought we could afford.

 

Kelly

 

[SquirrellyMama]

My daughter has known her whole life we wouldn't be paying for a wedding.  Justice of the peace has worked fine for DH and I for 20 years  :lol:

 

I started watching a lot of those wedding shows with the kids when they were very young. Say Yes to the Dress has been a great learning opportunity for all of us. They all know they will be a getting a check to do with as they want. They also know how much our wedding cost.

 

I'm fine if they all elope, and use the money for car or house down payment.

 

Kelly

 

[FaithManor]

Our wedding was held in my dh's childhood church, the reception in the basement. My MIL made our cake which consisted of 2 sheet cakes, and one small round cake for our cake topper. We helped with salads, and she also made pulled pork and beef. We had no alcohol. I think we mailed 50 invitations, and had around 30 people come. We got married in MN during the winter :) I suppose we should have expected the snow .

 

We invited the number of people we thought we could afford.

 

Kelly

 

And I think that is the key, keeping the number of attendees to a limit of what is affordable for the family paying for it. Usually what happens though is that a lot of people underestimate how much it will cost, and especially at today's food prices inflation being what it is with wage stagnation a major issue, just to have only closest relatives and a few friends come.

 

One thing I would like to say is that some municipalities have very strict food/health/catering codes. You need to check them out. We have a county, one east of us, in which it would be illegal to serve hot foods to a group that size even in your own home. Health code violation. After someone got food poisoning at a church potluck two years ago, the county passed an ordinance saying that any gathering over 25 must have either only cold foods kept on ice, or a licensed caterer has to provide the food. I consider it a stupid over-reaction and apparently if the danger is so great, then why is it okay to "poison" under 25 people? Nuts. But there you have it. Most of the churches had to cancel serving food on their property. A couple of them were big enough to afford to remodel their kitchens and get a catering license of their own, but most simply no longer have meals. It is a real problem for funeral dinners in that county, and there have been multiple attempts to get it repealed.

 

Also check out your home owner association and parking ordinances. Weddings at home can be a real issue and especially on that parking thing. Make sure you follow the rules so your guests do not end up with their cars being towed. 

 

Check out the parking permits for halls as well. Our local VFW hall which can seat 150 people is a popular spot for weddings, but more than one guest has been towed for parking on the street. They can seat 150 people, but only have legal parking for about 35 cars, and while drivers can park on one of the side streets, they are not supposed to park on the main, nor on one of the other side streets, the signs often practically hidden when the trees that line those streets are leafed out. So I always tell brides and families, get the skinny on that kind of practical stuff before you say, "I'm having a wedding at home. Or, I'm having it at the local hall."

[bettyandbob]

Our wedding was held in my dh's childhood church, the reception in the basement. My MIL made our cake which consisted of 2 sheet cakes, and one small round cake for our cake topper. We helped with salads, and she also made pulled pork and beef. We had no alcohol. I think we mailed 50 invitations, and had around 30 people come. We got married in MN during the winter :) I suppose we should have expected the snow .

 

We invited the number of people we thought we could afford.

 

Kelly

 

That doesn't mean that what I described wouldn't be considered inexpensive where I live.

 

And if one can't afford what I described then they shouldn't do it. Have something very small (backyard BBQ at a friend's house?) just go to the courthouse and be done.

 

In every community for any commodity or service there are different cost ranges that encompass cheap-inexpensive-moderate-expensive-astronomical. Additionally, anything you can't afford is expensive.

[FaithManor]

Just to give you an idea of what a modest wedding around here would cost, I'll give you a simple budget of just the big ticket items:

 

Noting that only a tiny handful of churches now have a fellowship hall or gym big enough to seat more than 75 or 100 due to fire codes, and well, this area just isn't known for big churches with big budgets. Also noting that one cannot use a church in this area if the bride or groom is not a member, even if their parents are members or regular attenders, we'll assume then for the sake of argument that the couple needs to use the Knights of Columbus or VFW Halls. There are exactly two of these facilities that can seat more than 75.

 

So we will say a wedding of 100 with the reception at a hall.

 

Hall rental - $300.00 plus damage deposit of $300.00. The second is refundable, but for the sake of budgeting, one must pay the full amount up front - $600.00

 

Attendants - assuming they pay for their apparel and only the traditional three on each side are used - small bridesmaid bouquets of daisies and greens - $18.00 each, and $6.00 each for simple boutonnieres - $72.00 Corsages for two mothers and let's say two grandmothers - $8.00 each - $32.00, and boutonnieres for two dads and two grandpas, no ushers assuming that the dads along with the groomsmen handle the seating - $24.00, grand total - $128.00, delivery charges additional if no one can pick them up at the florist on the day.

 

Bridal bouquet - small, rose bouquet with greens, baby's breath (the cheapest filler), and wrapped with ribbon - no special holder - $75.00. Roses any time but late May and through June are $3.00 each or more plus labor and other supplies.

 

Bows to mark seats for parents and grandparents - four - assuming home made and not hired - minimum 3 yards of 1 7/8" - 2' ribbon - on sale at Michaels - $5.00 - $6.00 per bow, and $1.00 for whatever hanger or sticky back 3M thing you buy to affix it to the chair or pew - $28.00

 

Rental of two brass candle stands, and drippless candles for them - $40.00 at the cheapest rental place. ($20.00 each)

 

Officiant fee - $50.00, and that is the minimum, an average would be $125.00 unless the bride and groom are church members at a church where there is no fee for the pastor. That is getting a little bit more unusual. While many pastors do funerals for free, more and more are wanting to be paid for taking up a Friday night for rehearsal, and a Saturday for the wedding as they do not necessarily see the wedding as part of their job. This depends on if the church believes in marriage as a sacrament or not.

 

Dress - since our thrift stores rarely have any bridal dresses and the rare ones they get are often stained, we'll assume for the sake of argument a clearance sale dress from David's Bridal which is the cheapest place in our tri-county area to get a dress. $350.00. Shoes - Payless - $20.00 with a coupon

 

Hair for bride assuming the bridesmaids do their own or pay their own salon fees - updos are $50.00.

 

Tux or suit rental for the groom and assuming he owns his own dress shoes and doesn't rent those too - $125.00

 

Marriage license - varies from state to state - $25.00 is usually the minimum.

 

Guestbook - with 40% off coupon to Michael's -  $16.00 - I highly recommend this splurge because it is a super convenient way to track who came, get their addresses all in one place, and makes a nice memory book to keep.

 

Cheap gift for each attendant - $15.00 each which is to me rock bottom so $90.00

 

Pianist, harpist, or other musician - pretty rare to get one for under $125.00 unless one is related to someone who will do it for free. For the sake of argument, we'll assume that most people are not going to be able to get someone on the cheap. And at $125.00, well, that's beyond rock bottom. I'm cheaper than some, and since I have to take out a rehearsal, then show up for preludes, practice potentially with a vocalist, do the ceremony, postludes - yup - its $200.00.

 

No aisle runner. No other decorations. This is the modest wedding after all. $1722.00

 

Now for the reception costs besides the hall rental:

 

Assuming that your local health codes allow your family members to cook for such a large crowd without a catering license, and are willing to do so:

 

Pulled pork - in our area, pork loin roast or other cuts that could be slow cooked are roughly $3.00 per lb. Assuming a small serving - 4 oz. per person - that's 25 lbs., and really, that is pretty skimpy and no room for error, so for the sake of argument, let's say they cook up 50 lbs. $150.00 without sauces, condiments, or herbs. Tack on another $10.00 for some sort of sauce or seasoning which isn't much, but hey, if it isn't barbecue, you can manage that. $160.00

 

Rolls - assume two per people if your buffet is going to be limited, and especially if there will be children there. 17 dozen - rarely available for less than $2.50 a dozen - $42.50. Couple lbs of butter - $3.00 a lb.. here but a lot worse in some areas - $6.00. Round up - total of $49.00

 

Some type of potato - lets say roasted reds - 32 lbs. from Walmart, the cheapest place - $112.00

 

Some type of salad - simple lettuce, carrots, tomatoes, cucumber with three dressings to choose from - $50.00 minimum depending on the dressings and brands chosen. I'm assuming rocket bottom choices here.

 

Simple fruit - possibly watermelons four fairly large ones - $5.00 each (probably more expensive in other areas - $20.00

 

Desserts but no decorated cake - assuming cookies, more than one kind of sheet cake, and one other kind of dessert - $50.00 in supplies if one is buying pre-made icings, cookie sprinkles, and what not.

 

$441.00. And really, that is just not a very generous amount of food at all. I mean, if that is all you can afford, that's okay. We do the best we can. But to make the day festive and special, I would suggest to a family on budget like this that they instead only have 50 people, and then have more food.

 

Paper products - assuming linen look paper table cloth from a restaurant supply place or amazon, and 8 ft banquet tables provided by the venue (some make you pay rent for those and the chairs in addition to the hall rental cost). Two 100 ft. rolls - $80.00

 

Paper napkins - the nicer dinner size and look - 400 ct from Amazon - you need that many for 100 people because it takes a lot to clean up a spill - $10.00

 

Chinet paper plates - get the heavy plates people so no one ends up with their food in their laps - 100 ct., and get two because people may go back for seconds - $10.00 per so $20.00

 

Chinet Cake plates - $8.00

 

(Oh, and I am assuming white here because colors cost more)

 

Hot beverage cups - usually the 50 count capacity is around $9.00 and you should have no less than 200 of these maybe more because it is not uncommon for people to throw away a disposable cup, then change their mind and want more, and do that more than once. $36.00

 

Assuming silverware comes with the hall rental - not necessarily always true though.

 

Paper skirting for the dessert and beverage table, as well as head tables - $50.00

 

$224.00

 

At this point one is just over $2000.00 without any table decorations of any kind.

 

So there is just an idea of what a family, assuming you have lots of relatives that live close and can help, can do modestly.

 

Were one to add simple decorations - I would suggest getting the 59 cent vases from Goodwill and figure one per 8 ft. table and getting not too generously sized vases - putting five daisy stems with a sprig of baby's breath in each one - Sam's club bulk daisies are around $1.00 per stem so that is $80.00 for enough stems to do 15 tables assuming six guests per 8 ft banquet table so it is not uncomfortably crowded with seating on both sides of the tables. Figure up to $100.00 with vases and if you choose to tie some ribbon around them.

 

Votive candles if one wants to scatter those about can be gotten in plain glass holders from Hobby Lobby a dozen for $6.99. If you get enough people to go shopping with you and give each one a 40% off coupon, then you can save a lot. Figure three at minimum per table. Otherwise it is hardly worth doing as one per table doesn't really show up much. 

 

And there are lots of little things to be thought of there. To make the head table look nicer, you can buy bigger vases and put one per head table, and have the bridesmaids put their bouquets in them when they arrive. That makes "kill two birds with one stone" centerpieces. But if you want more color than that, you need to consider the cost of maybe some tulle, or some table runners.

 

To go above really modest is to rent linen table cloths and napkins. At 50 cents per napkin, and often $7.00 per tablecloth that is likely an additional $200.00.

 

If you don't own enough crockpots or roaster pans to pull off the event - then you have to rent those run around $12.00 each around here usually with a rack/stand but not always.

 

Beverage containers - of you want to make five gallons of lemonade up, do you have a container for that? Does the use of a bulk serving coffee pot come with the hall rental? If not, what does that cost.

 

And we haven't really even tacked on the cost of beverages. Iced tea, lemonade, and coffee without specialty creamers are your cheapest options.

 

So you can see, to make even a small ish but nice event with some good food is not cheap by any imagination. if the relatives can't cook, don't want to, don't live close enough to, or there aren't enough of them to man the kitchen...then it is catering time, and very rarely would even a simple buffet be less than $16.00 a head, and normally closer to $22.00. A hundred people and you are at $2000.00 just for the food. Sometimes you might get table coverings and table service, but sometimes not. Adding catering, I don't think one can do a wedding and reception of quite modest simplicity for 100 people for less than $3500.00 unless the dress is borrowed, the hall is free, the pastor is free, the musician is free, you get the idea.

 

Hope that helps a bit as you think about future weddings in your family.

 

 

[heartlikealion]

I enjoyed reading that wedding breakdown. I think some of that stuff could be debated of course. If it's a modest wedding, there might not be bridesmaids plural. One witness or one maid/matron of honor. That is what I had and what my sisters had. When you remove that from this scenario there are less flowers needed I guess.

 

I'm Catholic and had a Catholic wedding and used the hall. I was told the hall was free (Dad left donation. Don't know the fire codes, didn't have a big wedding. So we may be talking less than 100. Definitely less than 100 that actually were present at the hall). In my experience, not all separate KofC halls are big. So I guess it's going to vary from church to church. But you bring up a good point... maybe if we'd used another hall or gone to another church their rules/options would be different. I know you are speaking specifically about your area.

 

I think a woman on a tight budget might forego a hairstylist and get the help of a friend/relative. So I could see hair being free or cheaper. I didn't get mine done (but made the mistake of trying to do something that didn't work out and then giving up). I wasn't going to try to sit in a salon the morning of my wedding. I can't get anywhere on time as it is.

 

I don't think there was any need to rent candle holders. I don't know anything about that... are people doing that in the church or hall?

 

Beverages — I honestly don't remember if we had coffee or just cold items.

 

Since you brought up David's Bridal — they always advertise their $99 sale. Maybe someone could find one for $99. 

 

Well you did say modest wedding, not "inexpensive" lol so I guess I can see how a lot of that makes sense.

 

[FaithManor]

I enjoyed reading that wedding breakdown. I think some of that stuff could be debated of course. If it's a modest wedding, there might not be bridesmaids plural. One witness or one maid/matron of honor. That is what I had and what my sisters had. When you remove that from this scenario there are less flowers needed I guess.

 

I'm Catholic and had a Catholic wedding and used the hall. I was told the hall was free (Dad left donation. Don't know the fire codes, didn't have a big wedding. So we may be talking less than 100. Definitely less than 100 that actually were present at the hall). In my experience, not all separate KofC halls are big. So I guess it's going to vary from church to church. But you bring up a good point... maybe if we'd used another hall or gone to another church their rules/options would be different. I know you are speaking specifically about your area.

 

I think a woman on a tight budget might forego a hairstylist and get the help of a friend/relative. So I could see hair being free or cheaper. I didn't get mine done (but made the mistake of trying to do something that didn't work out and then giving up). I wasn't going to try to sit in a salon the morning of my wedding. I can't get anywhere on time as it is.

 

I don't think there was any need to rent candle holders. I don't know anything about that... are people doing that in the church or hall?

 

Beverages — I honestly don't remember if we had coffee or just cold items.

 

Since you brought up David's Bridal — they always advertise their $99 sale. Maybe someone could find one for $99. 

 

Well you did say modest wedding, not "inexpensive" lol so I guess I can see how a lot of that makes sense.

For the ceremony, in terms of candleholders, that has been kind of traditional around here, and some religions put a lot of symbolism in lighting candles, but more and more churches, due to budget cuts, do not provide them.

 

And yes, there are ways to cut the above. I was trying to find a middle ground of things that are kind of traditional even to a modest wedding in this area, and give a break down. As an event planner myself, i find that it is helpful for people to see options, and to look at what is kind of traditional, or average, or whatever, and then adjust their expectations up or down. And of course, I'm living in a low COL where some of these things are lot cheaper than others. I know of regions where one cannot rent even a small hall for under $1000.00, or get a musician for less than $500.00 because they are in high demand.

 

it varies a lot.

 

The Amish, for what it is worth, have community potluck. The weddings are joyous occasions and the whole community comes together to provide it and execute it. The men and boys haul chairs, benches, tables, hay bales and the like, do set up, you name it, and the women cook their brains out. They have amazing food. They allow very little for decorations. The local florist "does" Amish weddings. What this comprises of is that she provides them with several five gallon buckets of white daisies - the approved flower for this group - and they place a stem in each bud vase, a simple vase that is approved by the bishop and several boxes of which are owned by the community at large so every bride can use them. The helpers fill the vases with water and put out the daisies on the day. They line the tables with them rather lavishly too. But white is the ONLY approved color. 

 

The meal is, like I said, WOW! They know how to feed people, and everyone chips in. It is very nice. However, when one does not come from a faith or family tradition in which this is the norm, the feeding of a large group becomes a major financial issue.

 

The Mennonites locally are much the same, though they allow variety in flowers and colors...not much in terms of attendants clothing - that still seems fairly strict - but I think that the wedding gown and girls's dresses are made and not purchased. They do use some candles, and a variety of vases though most of them are still rather simple...not cut class and such. These things are crazy huge, and pretty much have to occur only out doors because their church doesn't actually have anywhere to serve meals to such a large group. They used to use my parents' church which rented their gymnasium that could seat 400 and has a very large kitchen with multiple coolers and refrigerators plus two stove tops. But the church voted to only allow members to use the gym last year so no more renting.

[SquirrellyMama]

That doesn't mean that what I described wouldn't be considered inexpensive where I live.

 

And if one can't afford what I described then they shouldn't do it. Have something very small (backyard BBQ at a friend's house?) just go to the courthouse and be done.

 

In every community for any commodity or service there are different cost ranges that encompass cheap-inexpensive-moderate-expensive-astronomical. Additionally, anything you can't afford is expensive.

 

Sorry, I wasn't saying anything against you or what you posted. I was just posting what we did, and agreeing that is does depend on where you live. I totally agree that if one can't afford something, then they shouldn't do it.

 

 

[SquirrellyMama]

After that wedding cost breakdown, I'm thinking our wedding was probably closer to $1,200 including wedding night hotel room, or $2200 if we include plane tickets for my parents and brother.

 

We didn't do any flowers since it was late December, and the church already has poinsettias at the front of the church. We only had one attendant, and the guys wore suits they already owned.

 

I didn't see photography on your list. We used a newspaper photographer who wanted to get into wedding photography. I think we paid $300 for the pictures and all the negatives.

 

I'm not even sure if we put tablecloths on the tables. I'll have to look back at the pictures. We were bare bones about everything. My poor kids have no hope for a "spectacular" wedding :) They'll have to content themselves with small, quiet, and very plain.

 

I'll make sure they are well aware of their limitations early on :)

 

Kelly

Edited April 27, 2016 by SquirrellyMama

[goldberry]

I get that! When I was getting dressed on the day, I thought to myself that I was nothing more than a trained circus monkey dressed up to entertain my parents huge church congregation of total strangers to us.

 

Recently a pretty close friend of mine's daughter was getting married.  I know the daughter of course, but I wouldn't say we are anything more than acquaintances.  They were limiting the wedding invites due to cost constraints, and I was not the least bit upset that my family was not invited, although the mom offered plenty of explanation and apologies. 

 

I am close with the mom.  Unless you can afford an unlimited guest list, the wedding should be filled with those close to the bride and groom.  Not those close to or who happen to work with the in-laws.  I don't get that at all.

Edited April 27, 2016 by goldberry

[bettyandbob]

I forgot about photography. 

 

If you know someone who does this and can give you a break or will do it as a wedding present you are lucky. 

 

I do know a couple of people who just asked random friends to take pictures. They got a lot of pictures and most didn't look nice. So, I'd be careful with that approach. Friend who you know knows how = great. Friend who says she'll take pictures and you don't know anything about her photography = really iffy. 

[goldberry]

If the money is there, and that's what you want to spend it on, do it.  If the money is not there (or would cause you to go into debt) offer what you have and make it work.  It's not right to consider people cheap who are simply living within their means, and on the other hand, not right to view as shallow or horrible those who have more money and want to spend it.  I've seen it go both ways.

[goldberry]

When I read the posts about $20K weddngs, my mind boggles.  I can't imagine it.  I would have been mortified by that kind of conspicuous consumption.  

 

I've seen conspicuous consumption, but a $20K wedding probably would not qualify in my book.  Would I consider it expensive? Yes.  But it could be a very enjoyable wedding and not be conspicuous at all for that price.  

[goldberry]

Depends on where you live.

 

I think where we live 5K would be quite inexpensive. That would be a park or community center venue, appetizers (no meal), no open bar (maybe wine and beer), champagne for toast. And something for music. Probably less than 100 guests.

 

If someone has a larger family and a bigger social circle and wants to serve a meal the cost will go up exponentially.

 

I agree here.  If you are doing dinner food at all (and don't have family making it all) with around 100 guests, I don't think you can get out for less than $10,000.  Food is expensive!  

 

You can always choose less guests.  But in some areas, that is really hard without offending people.

[luuknam]

I am close with the mom.  Unless you can afford an unlimited guest list, the wedding should be filled with those close to the bride and groom.  Not those close to or who happen to work with the in-laws.  I don't get that at all.

 

Since this was in the context of feeling like you're entertaining a bunch of strangers, my wedding had like 20 guests, and almost all of them were strangers to me. From my side, it was just my parents and my brother, and then I'd obviously met my parents-in-law, but other than that? Not a clue.

[FaithManor]

Photography is definitely an issue. Dd had dear friend who attended college for photography and did it for free as a wedding gift. Phew! We paid for enlargements on shutterfly.

 

But it is a major expense if you do not have someone who can do that. They key is expectation. Many times if an amateur is volunteering, you simply should not expect professional photos, great shots, etc.

[HS Mom in NC]

Why do people assume is meal is necessary at a wedding?  If you can afford it and want to do it, great, but you can just do dessert and call it good. You're under no obligation to provide a meal to wedding guests. 

We had 45 relatives and a few close friends at my in-laws' house, a short 20 minute ceremony, cake, fruit and nuts, coffee, water and punch, and we all left an hour and a half after arriving.  Sweet and simple. And debt free. My parents (all 3 of them) are able to fully support themselves in their retirement and have maintained their no debt lifestyles. 

My mother wanted me to have a big wedding-not. a. chance.  I don't enjoy weddings or froof or fluff or fuss.  Most brides would be surprised to know I inwardly cringe at being at their weddings because the fussy stuff is awful to me like rap music and watching golf. I go and I'm happy for them that their is going they way they like, but I'm like most men at a wedding, I'm there to be supportive of my friends and family, not because I enjoy that type of festivity.
 

[heartlikealion]

Why do people assume is meal is necessary at a wedding?  If you can afford it and want to do it, great, but you can just do dessert and call it good. You're under no obligation to provide a meal to wedding guests. 

 

We had 45 relatives and a few close friends at my in-laws' house, a short 20 minute ceremony, cake, fruit and nuts, coffee, water and punch, and we all left an hour and a half after arriving.  Sweet and simple. And debt free. My parents (all 3 of them) are able to fully support themselves in their retirement and have maintained their no debt lifestyles. 

 

My mother wanted me to have a big wedding-not. a. chance.  I don't enjoy weddings or froof or fluff or fuss.  Most brides would be surprised to know I inwardly cringe at being at their weddings because the fussy stuff is awful to me like rap music and watching golf. I go and I'm happy for them that their is going they way they like, but I'm like most men at a wedding, I'm there to be supportive of my friends and family, not because I enjoy that type of festivity.

 

 

I think no meal is becoming more and more popular. Because so many people associate weddings with a meal, it might be best if "finger food reception" or something was mentioned on the invite. But really the time of day would help people adjust their expectations, much like many birthday parties. Although, those can be confusing, too. I think the last one we attended was not set at a meal time, but we were fed and the kids probably worked up an appetite from swimming. My MIL looked down her nose when I had planned to do my son's 2nd birthday party without a meal (non meal time, just cake and ice-cream was my idea). Next thing I knew, I basically lost control over the whole thing since most of the attendees were her side of the family and basically that's the proper way to do things in her family. Needless to say, after that, I refused to ask to do any parties in her home (we couldn't' do it at our own place because of size).

[gardenmom5]

Why do people assume is meal is necessary at a wedding?  If you can afford it and want to do it, great, but you can just do dessert and call it good. You're under no obligation to provide a meal to wedding guests. 

 

 

this.

 

dh is obsessed with feeding people meals.   it's not just the food- it's the set up, the dishware, the servers, the serving pieces, etc.

one reason dh is obsessed - if people are taking the time to eat, they are socializing.  some will socialize without a full dinner - other's have more reserve and need an ice breaker.

[QueenCat]

Why do people assume is meal is necessary at a wedding?  If you can afford it and want to do it, great, but you can just do dessert and call it good. You're under no obligation to provide a meal to wedding guests. 

 

We had 45 relatives and a few close friends at my in-laws' house, a short 20 minute ceremony, cake, fruit and nuts, coffee, water and punch, and we all left an hour and a half after arriving.  Sweet and simple. And debt free. My parents (all 3 of them) are able to fully support themselves in their retirement and have maintained their no debt lifestyles. 

 

My mother wanted me to have a big wedding-not. a. chance.  I don't enjoy weddings or froof or fluff or fuss.  Most brides would be surprised to know I inwardly cringe at being at their weddings because the fussy stuff is awful to me like rap music and watching golf. I go and I'm happy for them that their is going they way they like, but I'm like most men at a wedding, I'm there to be supportive of my friends and family, not because I enjoy that type of festivity.

 

 

I think it really depends on the dynamics. On both sides of our family, almost all of the family is going to be traveling to any wedding. Everyone is so spread out. I cannot imagine not offering a meal when people have flown in or traveled a full day (or more). In fact, that's why on both sides of our family, the rehearsal dinners are big too, as there is so much out of town guests. They came to see the bride and groom, as well as the rest of the extended family, so there are definitely meals provided and it's more than just a ceremony & quick reception.

[marbel]

Why do people assume is meal is necessary at a wedding?  If you can afford it and want to do it, great, but you can just do dessert and call it good. You're under no obligation to provide a meal to wedding guests. 

 

<snip>

 

A meal is not necessary, but some people enjoy providing a meal and enjoy feeding others good food.  It is a nice part of a celebration. 

 

My wedding was from 2-6 pm.  We had "heavy" hors d'oeuvres:  little lamb chops, sausage in puff pastry, shrimp, nice cheeses and breads, stuff like that.  Wine, champagne, soft drinks, coffee, water.  Wedding cake was the only dessert.

 

It was just what we wanted.  People really enjoyed it. People like to eat!  And my husband and I were happy to provide them with some nice food.  It was a fun day all around.  We had only a pianist for music, but she was great; she took requests and soon my nieces and nephews, and then lots of people, were dancing.  (We didn't have "formal" dances as people often have at weddings.)

[luuknam]

I'm not sure doing hors d'oevres and wedding cake and all that is cheaper than a meal anyway. We got married on the riverwalk in San Antonio, and then we had dinner on a riverboat. No appetizers, no dessert, no cake, just dinner. With hors d'oevres it's harder to predict how many you need (you don't want to end up with too few), people might end up drinking more since they're standing around helping themselves, etc. Whereas with dinner, it's like, here you go, one plate of [fajitas in our case, iirc], and a glass of [wine iirc]. End of story, done.

[marbel]

I'm not sure doing hors d'oevres and wedding cake and all that is cheaper than a meal anyway. We got married on the riverwalk in San Antonio, and then we had dinner on a riverboat. No appetizers, no dessert, no cake, just dinner. With hors d'oevres it's harder to predict how many you need (you don't want to end up with too few), people might end up drinking more since they're standing around helping themselves, etc. Whereas with dinner, it's like, here you go, one plate of [fajitas in our case, iirc], and a glass of [wine iirc]. End of story, done.

 

It probably wasn't cheaper. It wasn't about being cheaper. We didn't want a sit-down thing.  We wanted people to be able to walk around and mingle.  I hate being trapped at a banquet table for the duration of a party.  

[luuknam]

It probably wasn't cheaper. It wasn't about being cheaper. We didn't want a sit-down thing.  We wanted people to be able to walk around and mingle.  I hate being trapped at a banquet table for the duration of a party.  

 

Right. I just thought *someone* mentioned doing that to save money.

[HS Mom in NC]

I'm not sure doing hors d'oevres and wedding cake and all that is cheaper than a meal anyway. We got married on the riverwalk in San Antonio, and then we had dinner on a riverboat. No appetizers, no dessert, no cake, just dinner. With hors d'oevres it's harder to predict how many you need (you don't want to end up with too few), people might end up drinking more since they're standing around helping themselves, etc. Whereas with dinner, it's like, here you go, one plate of [fajitas in our case, iirc], and a glass of [wine iirc]. End of story, done.

 

I didn't say hors d'oerves.  We had a typical wedding cake (about $120) and a bowl of fruit and a bowl of nuts for the half dozen or so people who couldn't eat cake because they were diabetic at our wedding for 45 people.   That's it.  Definitely not just as expensive as a meal for 45 people even if we cooked it ourselves.

 

 

[Arcadia]

Anything over $5K is getting stupidly expensive, IMO.

Wedding dinners which are 8 to 10 course meals are a cultural expectation (chinese) for us. They cost about $40-$60 per person in the late 90s. I have close to 100 relatives being the youngest granddaughter, my hubby has over 50 relatives. We end up with over 200 guests, inviting only very close friends.

 

However our cultural custom is also such that wedding guests would give cash in red packets for auspicious reasons. So the hosts would break even or make a slight "profit".

 

Of course we can forgo the wedding banquet but with guests indirectly paying for it, not wanting to spend the money doesn't work well as a reason to not have it.

 

Our honeymoon was over $7k but hubby paid. We have worked for about 6 years at time of marriage. $5k would be about hubby's annual bonus at that time. We have no student debt though and already paid more than $100k down for our marital home.

[FaithManor]

Cultural expectation is big. It was one reason that we were totally against the wedding our parents threw because at that time, in this region, in the church they attended, there was a strong expectation that weddings came with a meal. It didn't have to be a gourmet meal, but you were considered a serious cheapskate if you didn't have a meat or two, some nice rolls, fruit, veggies and dip or in lieu of that two kinds of salads, and decorated wedding cake. So we knew it was a going to be more money than my parents could afford, and we were just starting out and couldn't afford it either. They were afraid to offend their church, the relatives, the pastor, the blah, blah, blah, and borrowed money so they could have ham, chicken, rolls, three kinds of salad, an elaborate fruit bowl, a $200.00 wedding cake (which to feed 350 people back in 1988 was still a bargain), cookies because they thought the kids in attendance would like it, and a couple of other sheet cakes because my mother felt there should be more than one or two flavors to choose from...GAH!

 

That's great when you can afford it. But the concept that my dad borrowed money to afford it bothered me a lot, and they pressured us mega heavily not to do anything different. 

 

Now, cake and dessert receptions are getting more popular. Economics have begun to finally rule the day, and I think that the average age of marrying couple is maybe older and thus possibly they stand their ground a little bit more or are asked to contribute financially if not pay for the whole thing themselves, and so practicality rules.

 

I coordinated a wedding two years ago that had 115 people. It was $500.00 for the use of the facility which did include set up and tear down of their tables and chairs, but even going with a plated meal which is cheaper than a buffet many times because there are no seconds and portion size is controlled, still with some cheese and crackers with strawberries for people to snack on while photos were being taken, and then an RSVP choice of a nice fish fillet or a chicken breast, roasted potatoes, green beans, and a tiny salad, with soda, water, and coffee offered for beverages, plus the use of their tableware, tablecloths, and napkins, it came to $30.00 a head. So more than $3000.00. 

 

Food followed by photography and facility rental if one has to rent are the three biggies for most couples. But that could be very regional. I have to be honest, I do wonder if you live in say Anchorage, Alaska and flowers are imported from long distance, are live flower bouquets crazy priced?

 

Whatever you do, just so you know, despite the Father of the Bride scenario, the bride's parents are not required to fly the groom's relatives from Denmark over the great pond!  :D  Good news for all you parents of future brides.

[goldberry]

 

 

My wedding was from 2-6 pm.  We had "heavy" hors d'oeuvres:  little lamb chops, sausage in puff pastry, shrimp, nice cheeses and breads, stuff like that.  Wine, champagne, soft drinks, coffee, water.  Wedding cake was the only dessert.

 

 

 

:drool5:  I love hors d'oeuvres... more choices...  That sounds wonderful.

[Danestress]

I didn't say hors d'oerves. We had a typical wedding cake (about $120) and a bowl of fruit and a bowl of nuts for the half dozen or so people who couldn't eat cake because they were diabetic at our wedding for 45 people. That's it. Definitely not just as expensive as a meal for 45 people even if we cooked it ourselves.

 

 

Some people serve a meal because guests are traveling - even just an hour or so, and will need a meal. I could not have a wedding without a meal - many family members drove into town, spent at least one night, and feeding them a meal was a basic hospitality. Even those who drove from an hour away, a meal is going to need to happen while on the road or in town, and having a guest leave and then pay for their own meal would not seem right.

 

Some of the things listed in the post above were unnecessary to me. If I had a million dollar budget, I probably would not do boutineers and corsages for family members. That seems so 'prom' to me. I thought attendants were unnecessary. Dh was capable of carrying a ring, and I didn't need someone to babysit the train of my dress. I don't think we marked off pews. That's what ushers are for. We were married in a beautiful church that appeared to already have candles, so no rentals there.

 

But for me, a nice meal was a basic desire.

 

This is not to say I am right, but rather that the best weddings reflect the personalities, preferences and values of the participants. I wanted family and my closest friends, and I wanted to treat them very well. Dh and I both have have small families, so we only had forty or fifty, but our guests ate and drank well.

 

If our guests all lived in town, a meal might have not seemed as important. If keeping it small would have hurt a lot of feelings, I would have probably planned differently. If we had been on a tighter budget, maybe finger foods would have had to do. Everyone makes choices, and budget determines a lot of those. But hospitality would always be funded first for me.

Edited April 27, 2016 by Danestress

[Danestress]

Oh, another dollar saver is that I did not have a photographer at the reception/dinner. I wanted everyone (including me) to relax, enjoy without intrusion, be free from the pressure of posing, and not worry about how they looked. We did photos at the church, and that was it. I didn't make that decision based on cost, but its an example of an 'essential' that I found entirely non-essential. I absolutely can imagine a different brides prioritizing photos and cutting elsewhere.

[kahlanne]

My 19 year old daughter is getting married next year and we were surprised at the costs. It adds up quickly. Here in Louisiana, venues run anywhere from $700+. We looked at many, some all inclusive, some not. There was only one that has ample, yet beautiful  space indoors in case of rain. The others meant we may have to rent tents which started at $1500+ for her size wedding of 150 guests. Ultimately we chose a barn venue that has 6000 square feet under roof. Indoors will be the reception area and the porch overlooking the lake will be for ceremony. It is $3500 for venue rental alone. She bought her wedding dress online for $180. Her flowers are artificial, arranged by us, and cost nearly $500. We will have it catered which will run around $1600. We haven't priced the cost of a bar, hiring a bartender, or a d.j. yet. The photographer will run $900. (Photography is very important to us as both of us are hobby photographers. I took her engagement photos but we need a professional for the actual wedding. ) Overall we expect to spend $7000. By we, I mean my daughter and her fiance. Neither think we should foot the bill for their wedding and are trying to keep the budget as low as possible. My daughter is a full time college student, psychology major,  and works minimum of 6 shifts per week as a waitress. She has managed to be on the president's list each semester. Her fiance is in the national guard, attends college part time, and works as a waiter. My daughter lives in a tiny house on our property for which she pays all the utilities and her car insurance. We don't charge her rent and the car is paid for. Her fiance has a car note but lives at home without expenses. When they approached us about paying for their own wedding, they stated that this will prepare them for living on their own and creating a budget or goals. They also intend on paying for their honeymoon but dh and I hope to surprise them closer to the wedding with a lump sum that they can use toward the honeymoon if desired. They may chose to keep the honeymoon simple and use the money for their apartment deposit/rental which they are saving for as well. I am very proud of them for working hard, creating a budget, and prioritizing goals. I don't believe anything else could prepare them for marriage better.

Edited April 27, 2016 by kahlanne

[Bluegoat]

I agree here.  If you are doing dinner food at all (and don't have family making it all) with around 100 guests, I don't think you can get out for less than $10,000.  Food is expensive!  

 

You can always choose less guests.  But in some areas, that is really hard without offending people.

 

I had 100 guests at my wedding, and we paid far less than $10,000.  It came just over $1000 Canadian, in 2004 princes, but that still wouldn't be $10,000 today.  There was table wine which was on top of that. 

 

I agree less guests can be tricky.  It isn't always one of the things that the couple has a lot of choice over unless they do a private ceremony.  Family and community tradition can really dictate guests.

[goldberry]

I had 100 guests at my wedding, and we paid far less than $10,000.  It came just over $1000 Canadian, in 2004 princes, but that still wouldn't be $10,000 today.  There was table wine which was on top of that. 

 

 

 

With dinner food not made by family?  What did you have?

[Gentlemommy]

I would have been MORE than happy with a check! I like that idea seeing as I have three daughters!

[Bluegoat]

With dinner food not made by family?  What did you have?

 

No, it was catered.

 

We had bbq chicken, 1/2 a chicken per guest, corn on the cob, a green salad, and strawberry shortcake. 

 

There was a wedding cake too but it was bought seperatly, it cost $100, which was very inexpensive for what it was and not something that would be typical.

[SquirrellyMama]

I'm not sure doing hors d'oevres and wedding cake and all that is cheaper than a meal anyway. We got married on the riverwalk in San Antonio, and then we had dinner on a riverboat. No appetizers, no dessert, no cake, just dinner. With hors d'oevres it's harder to predict how many you need (you don't want to end up with too few), people might end up drinking more since they're standing around helping themselves, etc. Whereas with dinner, it's like, here you go, one plate of [fajitas in our case, iirc], and a glass of [wine iirc]. End of story, done.

Dinner on a riverboat sounds lovely.

[StephanieZ]

I don't know the etiquette/norms these days, but I think it is certainly reasonable to have a budget in mind. I think that if the # in your mind is much less than would pay for the weddings your kids have attended in your extended family/etc network, then it's probably smart to start talking early about priorities, the waste of those pricey parties, the beauty of a simple wedding . . . I also think it's extra nice if you are offering a # with few strings attached. I probably wouldn't offer it to "spend however you like" because I'd hate to see a large sum frittered away . . . But I might offer a set amount towards wedding/travel/house downpayment . . .

 

I took the "talk early and often" approach to financing the kids' college. . . They know what we can offer, and it's never been a surprise. 

 

I'd take a similar approach to weddings . . . Dh and I got married on our own dime in the Caribbean, and it was awesome. His family and mine gave modest cash gifts to us that financed the wedding for the most part, but that's because all we had to pay for were 2 flights, a nice hotel for a week, and a very cheap "wedding package" (the resorts discount them steeply to attract weddings). I've told our kids that I hope they do a beach wedding too. I'd be delighted to drop major $$ to fly the kids and their partners and kids to some great island and rent some nice house(s) . . . such a better way to spend 20-50k+ than one night of rubbery chicken. For now, though, since we don't know we'll have that much to offer, we suggest renting a nice house or two on our family-favorite FL beach. :) 

 

I've been to 5 great weddings. Mine, cheap, fabulously fun (about 25 relatives came and we had a blast), as above. :) Then one was over the top fancy (would have been 150-200k in the US, but it was in Argentina after their economy collapsed, so was more like 25k, but all the groom's family and friends had to fly there, lol). Then one was cheap tasty Tex-Mex at a ranch (real ranch) in TX, that belonged to friends' of the couple. They had friends playing music all night, the food was tasty and fun, and the bride's grandpa, at his own church, married them . . . It was fabulous and meaningful and I think under 2k. Then my brother's recent marriage which was maybe 10-20k which is cheap by the standards where they live and the salary he earns . . . a small group (40ish) of close friends and family and a nice catered meal, reggae band, all at a nice VRBO on the beach in SoCal. They did things that meant things to them (drum circle, on the sand), looked fantastic, had great photos . . . Really, it was spectacular, but simple in the scheme of things. Then there was one about 20 years ago that was traditional catered type wedding but it was hosted in the bride's family's property. It was an ordinary (nice) suburban home, but they spent months planting flowers and then had a big white tent and caterers and dancing. It was delightful. We have a huge yard and huge house, so maybe we could do that. 

 

All the other typical hotel-ballroom or even fancy-outdoor-venue commercial-type weddings . . . meh. I'm happy for the couple, of course, and the MARRIAGE is what matters, but the parties are nothing special. I'd *much* prefer a backyard or natural setting wedding on the cheap . . .

 

[Tita Gidge]

Do people still expect a bride's family to foot the bill for weddings? If you have a son who was getting married, and the bride's family was only going to cut a check for a specified amount (not the whole amount), would that be a forever grudge maker for you?

 

My kids are no where near marriageable age, but we have no plans of paying for an entire wedding, unless that wedding is under $5,000. I plan on just giving them a check when the time comes and saying, "Spend it however you like!"  I really want no part in wedding planning.

 

Am I just setting myself up for my daughters' inlaws to hate me some day? I have a son, and he will get the same deal.

 

Not sure what made me think of this. My own wedding in 1998 was planned in about 2 months for under $2000.

 

Kelly

 

I live in a conservative, traditional part of the country so the people I know (here) who marry do tend to follow the tradition of a bride's family footing much - or all - of the bill.

Side note:  This is nuts, but a local family couldn't find a venue "good enough" for their daughter's taste that they built one themselves.  This daughter's wedding was later featured on some cable show about $$$$ weddings. Platinum Weddings or something like that. We watched it because we were geeked about our small town being on tv and I told my boys that if they married someone with taste like that she had better come with parents stacked like that!  The venue is still available for events, but has never earned a profit. I'm sometimes horrified, sometimes fascinated by the info that is public (or private and passed around) in these small Southern pockets.

 

I didn't grow up here. I don't know if it's national or ethnic culture, maybe both, but for us weddings are a huge FAMILY deal. So everyone chips in with money or talent - both sides. The only squabbles tend to be which side's (bride or groom) mama and aunties make the best [fill in the blank for food dish].  Families almost always give a cash gift - couples can apply it to the wedding, honeymoon, a down payment on a home, student loans, anything they choose.

 

I come from a very Catholic family and area, so the venue is always the home parish which makes it affordable. Most of my family have receptions at the parish hall.  Rehearsal dinners tend to be huge family cookouts with everyone in attendance; it's basically a pre-wedding party for all invited LOL. 

 

I only have one girl, the rest are boys. I hold no expectations of future DILs as I think each couple and couple's situation will be different.  I do have expectations of my girl, and she'll get cash to spend as she sees fit. Hopefully she's wise about it.  I don't have to lecture her on it, her brothers will take that bullet for me. :lol:

[nd293]

We didn't ask for or want any money for a wedding, nor will my kids be getting any money towards theirs. If they're not grown up enough to plan a wedding they can afford, they're not grown up enough to to be married, in my view. Dh shares my views on fiscal responsibility (which is one of the reasons we're happily debt-free) and his mother didn't give money towards the wedding either, so no-one was offended or hurt.

 

Making financially responsible decisions is an ongoing topic of conversation with my kids and my older child knows that I believe 'financial compatibility' is one of the cornerstones of a solid relationship. If the future inlaws hate us because we won't cough up for a wedding I'd probably be far more concerned about my dd and the relationship she's entering into than the inlaws' opinions!

[Tita Gidge]

My divorce cost more than my wedding did.  But both were under $300. :lol:

 

My ex-husband's sister got married in 2001 for $60K. I'd guess a good $25-30K of that was her parents going all out for their (ethnic) community, which expects a multi-day event with tons of food, booze, and dancing. But the community then gifts a ton of cash, but obviously my 19 year old SIL wasn't going to hand that over to her parents to cover any part of the wedding.  She did use it to pay cash for two years' tuition and then a down payment on an investment property.  She still has that property and has leveraged it to purchase a handful of others. We call it her fiefdom, she's slowly buying up a corner of a neighborhood.

 

ETA: (My ex-husband and I eloped, didn't tell our families, and then planned a church wedding. Once our families found out we had been married for a few years already, they honored our desire to forego a formal reception. It seemed tacky to me. My in-laws never forgave me. Or maybe they did once they financed their daughter's wedding a few years after that - I don't know LOL).

Edited April 28, 2016 by Tita Gidge

[heartlikealion]

I can tell from the responses that length of time celebrating varies. I would guess the longer someone is tied up with the wedding festivities, the hungrier they will be lol. If you had to drive from out of town or the service was long or you had to drive from location A (wedding) to location B (reception) -- I imagine all those things could potentially influence decisions on food. Religion or culture can influence length of service. Seems like the ones on TV are 5 minutes long lol. But if you had to drive a ways, stay for a long service, possibly drive to a venue for the reception and already spent money on travel expenses... you might want a meal and your hosts and/or members of the wedding party you know might feel they owe it to you to provide a meal. I can get why there would be pressure to supply one even if it's not ideal financially.

[Guest]

Scratching my head: people complain about student debt and college costs, but consider 20k weddings normal?

No, that's not normal. That's insane and wasteful. I can't even wrap my brain around needing a wedding so formal and large that it tops the cost of a fair number of cars.

 

Maybe I'm just cheap.

[LMD]

Our wedding was more expensive than I had planned, because whenever my mother or mother in law came shopping with me, they insisted on paying for more expensive options! First kid's wedding on both sides, they were very excited. We didn't ask or expect any money and would have been very happy with a simpler, smaller wedding.

My in-laws paid for all the flowers, my mother paid for the cake and my dress. Each paid for their own guests at the reception - which was the bulk of the cost. We had a buffet. Very very difficult to cater for less than $50 per head - we had a little under 100 people.

 

I did other things inexpensively, we married in our church, an aunt did all the stationary as a gift, friend of a friend student photographer, our own music playlist, bonbonierre was simple chocolate hearts.