How do you end friendships?

[Sharon77]

I have a long-distance friendship that is starting to bother me a great deal. We met when our oldest kids were 5yo, so its been 15 years. After i moved away, she was really great about keeping in touch, something i had never experienced before...people just stop contact after a move, kwim?

 

so the friendship kept going. Looking back, I realize she found a great deal of comfort from me, which is probably  why she kept in touch. I helped her through the death of both parents, marriage and kid problems, etc. Because i always felt bad for her, I realize now all our convos were about her. With kids the same age, can you believe she has never asked me how hsing was going?

 

 

In the past year, though, I am beginning to realize she does not respect me. She had a teen problem , I disagreed with her, she flat out said that cause I hs, I am naive and don't know anything about what kids go through these day.  a few other things were said by her.

 

At this point, i do not want to continue the friendship. She lives far away, no reciprocation  of any kind. 

 

She texted me cause she wants to talk about her new job. I guess she didn't even realize i never responded to her last text from 3 months ago 

 

My husband just wants me to ghost her, says its not worth any bit of time.

 

Do you think I owe her any explanation? and email? a text?

 

Thanks for reading!

[SparklyUnicorn]

I'd just let it go and not contact her if you don't want to. 

 

I can imagine she probably just felt defensive and was upset about the situation.  I've been on both ends.  The one giving the unwelcome advice and the one getting the unwelcome advice.  Sometimes I can't just nod and move on (even though I know I probably should).  I'm human I guess.

 

 

 

 

[Tanaqui]

I don't think it's necessary to respond to her, no.

 

It's possible that an open and honest discussion of the fact that you can't be the only one carrying the emotional burden in this relationship might help salvage it, but if you don't want to do that then you aren't obligated to.

 

My guess is that if she consistently gets no response from you, she'll latch on to somebody else who gives her the reaction she wants. You're not harming her by making her switch targets.

 

The important thing is that if you decide to go no-contact, you actually go no-contact. Don't be mostly no-contact, then reply if she suddenly hits you with a flurry of texts that seem to be interested in you and your life. No use sending mixed signals.

Edited April 16, 2016 by Tanaqui

[Sharon77]

I'd just let it go and not contact her if you don't want to. 

 

I can imagine she probably just felt defensive and was upset about the situation.  I've been on both ends.  The one giving the unwelcome advice and the one getting the unwelcome advice.  Sometimes I can't just nod and move on (even though I know I probably should).  I'm human I guess.

 

I do understand most want a listening ear and that is usually what I do, which is why she loves to call me for hours, but she was having some serious issues with her dd.

 

We are both Christians.

both our dds were getting ready to go to college.

it turned out her dd had some less than desirable views on homosexuality. I'm thinking, you've never talked to her about this before?

 

My friend declared that 8 out of 10 of girls on college campuses were lesbians or bisexual because her older mom friend told her so. Friend tells me i need to check up on my dd and not trust her.

 

This I said this was ridiculous...how can 80% percent of girls be lesbian/bi? Here's the kicker, I've worked with youth in churches of all sizes for 20 years!!! 

 

Thats when she called me naive...

[abcmommy]

I am learning a lot about this now and I have the perfect quote for you:

 

Generosity without boundaries= resentment.

 

I have had friends like this who suck the life out of me.  So if you really are done you could ghost her or if you really are NOT done (but it sounds like you should be) you could say "I have ten minutes tomorrow morning and I can talk to you then."

 

Texting is kind of a win/ lose bc it allows people into your space.  I might just block her.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I don't think it's necessary to respond to her, no.

 

It's possible that an open and honest discussion of the fact that you can't be the only one carrying the emotional burden in this relationship might help salvage it, but if you don't want to do that then you aren't obligated to.

 

My guess is that if she consistently gets no response from you, she'll latch on to somebody else who gives her the reaction she wants. You're not harming her by making her switch targets.

 

The important thing is that if you decide to go no-contact, you actually go no-contact. Don't be mostly no-contact, then reply if she suddenly hits you with a flurry of texts that seem to be interested in you and your life. No use sending mixed signals.

 

I agree.

 

I do want to comment on what you said about her continuing the relationship after you moved.  Lots of people have successful lifelong relationships with friends - complete with moves.  That has nothing to do with the unhealthy dynamics of the relationship. 

[Sharon77]

 

 

The important thing is that if you decide to go no-contact, you actually go no-contact. Don't be mostly no-contact, then reply if she suddenly hits you with a flurry of texts that seem to be interested in you and your life. No use sending mixed signals.

 

 

Excellent advice, thank you. by seeing it in writing, it is actually making me feel better!

[Sharon77]

 

 

Generosity without boundaries= resentment.

 

 

 

 

This is very though provoking 

what kind of boundaries does one put on generosity?

what would that look like?

[SparklyUnicorn]

I do understand most want a listening ear and that is usually what I do, which is why she loves to call me for hours, but she was having some serious issues with her dd.

 

We are both Christians.

both our dds were getting ready to go to college.

it turned out her dd had some less than desirable views on homosexuality. I'm thinking, you've never talked to her about this before?

 

My friend declared that 8 out of 10 of girls on college campuses were lesbians or bisexual because her older mom friend told her so. Friend tells me i need to check up on my dd and not trust her.

 

This I said this was ridiculous...how can 80% percent of girls be lesbian/bi? Here's the kicker, I've worked with youth in churches of all sizes for 20 years!!! 

 

Thats when she called me naive...

 

Ok she is out of her mind.  Really that is such a dumb thing of her to say.  She is paranoid. 

[kewb]

I tend towards the drift away.  Since you don't live near each other that makes the drift easier.  Simply stop responding.

[OneStepAtATime]

I don't think it's necessary to respond to her, no.

 

It's possible that an open and honest discussion of the fact that you can't be the only one carrying the emotional burden in this relationship might help salvage it, but if you don't want to do that then you aren't obligated to.

 

My guess is that if she consistently gets no response from you, she'll latch on to somebody else who gives her the reaction she wants. You're not harming her by making her switch targets.

 

The important thing is that if you decide to go no-contact, you actually go no-contact. Don't be mostly no-contact, then reply if she suddenly hits you with a flurry of texts that seem to be interested in you and your life. No use sending mixed signals.

 

I agree, especially with the last.  Absolutely do not send mixed signals.

 

I agree.

 

I do want to comment on what you said about her continuing the relationship after you moved.  Lots of people have successful lifelong relationships with friends - complete with moves.  That has nothing to do with the unhealthy dynamics of the relationship. 

And I definitely agree with this.  I have friends from elementary and middle school I haven't lived next to in decades.  Same with college buddies.  Haven't lived next to any of them in decades.  We still stay in touch, still care, still keep involved with each other in some form or fashion.

 

The difference is that the relationship you describe is not balanced.  Unless you want to try balancing it out (and changing a dynamic this old and ingrained would be challenging) I agree, you might be better off just ghosting her.

 

I will say this, though:  If I felt someone was a really good friend, and they just ceased to contact me or respond to me, at first I would probably think they were just busy.  Eventually I would worry that something had happened to them.  I would also want some closure if possible if the friendship really was over.  She might not.  Maybe those things would never occur to her.  But keep that in mind.  Whether you care or not from that side of things, she may keep trying to contact you.  You may eventually have to let her know directly that you are no longer interested in maintaining the relationship.

 

ETA:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

Edited April 16, 2016 by OneStepAtATime

[abcmommy]

This is very though provoking 

what kind of boundaries does one put on generosity?

what would that look like?

Well, I do not have any tolerance for hours on the phone.  (You were generous with your time by giving that.  But you DO resent it.)

 

So my boundaries would be I can give 20 minutes for a phone call.

 

 

Or, I can give $50 to this ministry.  I could give $100 but then we would be short on XYZ and I would resent it.  Good boundary.

 

Or I get talked into making two pans of brownies for a function and I am ticked then slam around the kitchen complaining the whole time... bad boundary.

 

See what I mean?

[forty-two]

I will say this, though: If I felt someone was a really good friend, and they just ceased to contact me or respond to me, at first I would probably think they were just busy. Eventually I would worry that something had happened to them. I would also want some closure if possible if the friendship really was over. She might not. Maybe those things would never occur to her. But keep that in mind. Whether you care or not from that side of things, she may keep trying to contact you. You may eventually have to let her know directly that you are no longer interested in maintaining the relationship.

Thinking of the situation from the friend's POV - good friends for years; shared life together through thick and thin; made an effort to stay in contact even after a move; had a bit of a spat but got over it; but all of a sudden, her friend wants nothing to do with her, won't talk to her, not even to tell her what she did wrong, not even to say it's over, just unilaterally ending things without a word, with no chance to try to fix things - I've seen a lot of WTM posts along those exact same lines.

 

I know you no longer think she's ever been a good friend to you :grouphug:, but she has no way of knowing that you've radically reassessed your friendship and now see all those years not as the mutual bonding you once assumed but as her unilaterally taking from you and not giving in return - not without you telling her. I know a common feature in those WTMers who've gotten dropped without a word is how they wished they'd been given a chance to know what was wrong and to try make things right - so that whatever went wrong could have been a wakeup moment instead of the unexpected and final death of their friendship.

Edited April 16, 2016 by forty-two

[SKL]

I would stop responding and stop communicating with her.

 

I have done this before and felt badly about it, but I think it's better than the other options.

[Guest]

If you decide you want to be more definite about ending the friendship, you could write a text back and say something like this:

 

Dear Friend,  I don't know what to say to be of help; it is likely that your best route would be to find some local people (both friends and if needed, experienced professionals) to help you through these tough times...and to share your life with.  I don't feel like we have enough of a connection that I can be of much help or provide as much connection as we all need.  Kind regards,  Your name here.  

 

I'm not saying that you have to do this.  It's just that I think you *can* if you don't feel like just disappearing from her life.  And then if she continues to text or whatever, you can just give a quick response, like "I can't really help you with this.  I'm sorry."  

 

It's totally up to you.  I've moved a couple of friendships toward hand-written letters only, because they increase the effort required and decrease the expectation that I will (can) provide an immediate response.  I love handwriting letters, but most people don't, and *they* tend to be the ones who disappear.  At any rate, this method reduces the expectation for a detailed OR immediate response, and that is often to the good.  Both of the ones I did this with, THEY disappeared.  And that was OK.  

[Haiku]

This is very though provoking 

what kind of boundaries does one put on generosity?

what would that look like?

 

People put boundaries on generosity all the time. It's how we avoid feeling like we're letting people walk all over us. It's how we avoid sacrificing our own mental health trying to help others. It's how we give financially without seriously harming our own finances. Specific to a friendship, it's how we help in ways that don't make us feel overextended, angry, or unappreciated.

 

My best friend could use more help than I am able to give her. I give her what I can sustain over the long term. If I put everything on hold to give her all my time and assistance right now, very soon it would be unsustainable. I have limits and boundaries to what I can do.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Friendships are very important to me.  I just made arrangements to get together next weekend with a friend who has been one of my closest friends for 41 years.  We've had some give and take over the years.  She's had seasons when she's been more needy and I've had seasons when I have been.  But over all, we have a pretty reciprocal relationship.  It doesn't mean that we are all things to each other though.  There are some things that we click on more than other. 

 

I have another friendship of 34 years that has been rockier.  There was some boundary crossing at one point and since hints were being ignored, I had to spell things out for her very plainly but still kindly.  We crossed over that patch and are still good friends with good boundaries.  Part of those boundaries include having some topics off limits because we just cannot see eye to eye on them. 

 

I had two relationships that I realized were unbalanced the other way.  I shared a lot of myself but they weren't sharing back.  I backed away from those relationships hoping that they would balance out.  They fizzled out rather abruptly when I got extremely ill and was in the hospital and there was no attempt at all to reach out to me.  I regret how those people dropped me after decades of friendship but decided not to run after them despite feeling great sorrow over them.  I value reciprocity (not tit-for-tat) in a relationship and it was not healthy even if it might seem like the relationship favored me.  

 

I have some other relationships that are unbalanced with me being the listener/giver and them the needy ones.  Honestly, I don't really consider these people good friends.  They aren't projects either.  I'm not trying to fix them or anything.  But they don't have the ability to be reciprocal and I know it.  So I let them set the pace.  But I also tell them when I need to go or when I cannot help them.  This is not coerced and I give them my time and my ear freely when I can.  So I don't feel resentment towards them. 

Edited April 17, 2016 by Jean in Newcastle

[JFSinIL]

Block her number and do not respond. She will get the message.

[TranquilMind]

Thinking of the situation from the friend's POV - good friends for years; shared life together through thick and thin; made an effort to stay in contact even after a move; had a bit of a spat but got over it; but all of a sudden, her friend wants nothing to do with her, won't talk to her, not even to tell her what she did wrong, not even to say it's over, just unilaterally ending things without a word, with no chance to try to fix things - I've seen a lot of WTM posts along those exact same lines.

 

I know you no longer think she's ever been a good friend to you :grouphug:, but she has no way of knowing that you've radically reassessed your friendship and now see all those years not as the mutual bonding you once assumed but as her unilaterally taking from you and not giving in return - not without you telling her. I know a common feature in those WTMers who've gotten dropped without a word is how they wished they'd been given a chance to know what was wrong and to try make things right - so that whatever went wrong could have been a wakeup moment instead of the unexpected and final death of their friendship.

 

Exactly.  She has no idea.  She will wonder what happened to you. 

[VaKim]

If you absolutely do no want to continue the relationship, you should just ignore her and let it die. If you give any kind of explanation, as suggested above, that will leave her an opening to try to "fix" things, if she is interested. Then you will be stuck again, and probably with someone who doesn't really change but only thinks she has. Been there, done that. Had to end up being ugly to get rid of them. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

Yeah and you never know.  Maybe you will all lay low for awhile and time will heal and you won't feel bad about resuming your friendship at a later time.

 

Or not...can't really tell with these things.

 

 

[StephanieZ]

I do understand most want a listening ear and that is usually what I do, which is why she loves to call me for hours, but she was having some serious issues with her dd.

 

We are both Christians.

both our dds were getting ready to go to college.

it turned out her dd had some less than desirable views on homosexuality. I'm thinking, you've never talked to her about this before?

 

My friend declared that 8 out of 10 of girls on college campuses were lesbians or bisexual because her older mom friend told her so. Friend tells me i need to check up on my dd and not trust her.

 

This I said this was ridiculous...how can 80% percent of girls be lesbian/bi? Here's the kicker, I've worked with youth in churches of all sizes for 20 years!!! 

 

Thats when she called me naive...

 

 

What does "less than desirable views on homosexuality" mean? I'm assuming you mean that your friend's daughter is a bigot, and, if that's the case, then I'd definitely express sympathy for your friend, who is presumably devastated by the fact that her daughter has such a horrifying character flaw. I can't imagine how heartbroken your friend would be, and probably very guilty as well that she failed her child in such a tragic way.

 

One can only hope that her daughter finds her inner goodness and lets go of the evil that is clutching her at this moment. Hopefully, she's just going through a very ugly growing pain and will grow into a loving, balanced, centered person that your friend hopes for her to be. Or, perhaps the girl has some sort of psychiatric disorder? In any case, certainly the girl would benefit from counseling, as probably would her family as well given the pain they are experiencing.

 

Surely, if I were experiencing such a devastating disappointment about my own child, I would be overwhelmed with grief and guilt. To think that a child who I'd birthed, loved, and raised could grow up into a bigot really shatters me just imagining such a thing. 

 

I'm not sure why your friend would think that such a large portion of girls are lesbian or bisexual, but I wouldn't get distracted by that odd error. I'd just focus on the important thing of supporting and loving your friend while she is experiencing such a devastating disappointment in her child. Presumably, once the girl and her family address the mental issues underlying the development of the girl's bigotry, they won't continue to have those sorts of hyperbolic beliefs. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

What does "less than desirable views on homosexuality" mean? I'm assuming you mean that your friend's daughter is a bigot, and, if that's the case, then I'd definitely express sympathy for your friend, who is presumably devastated by the fact that her daughter has such a horrifying character flaw. I can't imagine how heartbroken your friend would be, and probably very guilty as well that she failed her child in such a tragic way.

 

One can only hope that her daughter finds her inner goodness and lets go of the evil that is clutching her at this moment. Hopefully, she's just going through a very ugly growing pain and will grow into a loving, balanced, centered person that your friend hopes for her to be. Or, perhaps the girl has some sort of psychiatric disorder? In any case, certainly the girl would benefit from counseling, as probably would her family as well given the pain they are experiencing.

 

Surely, if I were experiencing such a devastating disappointment about my own child, I would be overwhelmed with grief and guilt. To think that a child who I'd birthed, loved, and raised could grow up into a bigot really shatters me just imagining such a thing. 

 

I'm not sure why your friend would think that such a large portion of girls are lesbian or bisexual, but I wouldn't get distracted by that odd error. I'd just focus on the important thing of supporting and loving your friend while she is experiencing such a devastating disappointment in her child. Presumably, once the girl and her family address the mental issues underlying the development of the girl's bigotry, they won't continue to have those sorts of hyperbolic beliefs. 

 

Actually, it seems to me, based on what was said by the OP, that the problem is that the mother/friend is afraid her daughter might experiment with lesbianism.  In particular the comment about, "You need to check up on your daughter," because so and so told her almost everyone in college is a lesbian.  Kind of like...you need to remain vigilant so she doesn't stray to that side because she has less than healthy views.  Not unhealthy in the sense she hates lesbians, but in the sense she doesn't hate the idea enough for the mother's comfort.  I'm also led to believe this is what the OP meant because she started the comment with her and her friend both being Christians (because think about why that comment would be relevant).

Edited April 17, 2016 by SparklyUnicorn

[VaKim]

Actually, it seems to me, based on what was said by the OP, that the problem is that the mother/friend is afraid her daughter might experiment with lesbianism.  In particular the comment about, "You need to check up on your daughter," because so and so told her almost everyone in college is a lesbian.  Kind of like...you need to remain vigilant so she doesn't stray to that side because she has less than healthy views.  Not unhealthy in the sense she hates lesbians, but in the sense she doesn't hate the idea enough for the mother's comfort.  I'm also led to believe this is what the OP meant because she started the comment with her and her friend both being Christians (because think about why that comment would be relevant).

Pretty sure the poster you quoted was well aware of that and just using the post as an opportunity to express her opinion on the matter while appearing to be concerned and helpful. 

Edited April 17, 2016 by VaKim

[DawnM]

Friendships change.  Some aren't worth keeping.  Some people are mean.  They aren't worth my time or effort.

 

I would (and have recently) let it go and move on to those who provide mutually supportive relationships.  She is no such person.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Pretty sure the poster you quoted was well aware of that and just using the post as an opportunity to express her opinion on the matter while appearing to be concerned and helpful. 

 

Ohhh

 

LOL

 

Ok. 

[Sharon77]

Actually, it seems to me, based on what was said by the OP, that the problem is that the mother/friend is afraid her daughter might experiment with lesbianism.  In particular the comment about, "You need to check up on your daughter," because so and so told her almost everyone in college is a lesbian.  Kind of like...you need to remain vigilant so she doesn't stray to that side because she has less than healthy views.  Not unhealthy in the sense she hates lesbians, but in the sense she doesn't hate the idea enough for the mother's comfort.  I'm also led to believe this is what the OP meant because she started the comment with her and her friend both being Christians (because think about why that comment would be relevant).

 

Yes, you are correct. I would say more like my friend is, I don't like the word bigot, but she is very closed-minded. I am a conservative Protestant, but all I can say is that I have gay friends and never in a million years would I ever do anything to hurt them. My convictions and beliefs are mine to carry out in my own life

 

Pretty sure the poster you quoted was well aware of that and just using the post as an opportunity to express her opinion on the matter while appearing to be concerned and helpful. 

 

:lol:

Thinking of the situation from the friend's POV - good friends for years; shared life together through thick and thin; made an effort to stay in contact even after a move; had a bit of a spat but got over it; but all of a sudden, her friend wants nothing to do with her, won't talk to her, not even to tell her what she did wrong, not even to say it's over, just unilaterally ending things without a word, with no chance to try to fix things - I've seen a lot of WTM posts along those exact same lines.

 

I know you no longer think she's ever been a good friend to you :grouphug:, but she has no way of knowing that you've radically reassessed your friendship and now see all those years not as the mutual bonding you once assumed but as her unilaterally taking from you and not giving in return - not without you telling her. I know a common feature in those WTMers who've gotten dropped without a word is how they wished they'd been given a chance to know what was wrong and to try make things right - so that whatever went wrong could have been a wakeup moment instead of the unexpected and final death of their friendship.

 

That is what I was originally wondering...if i owed her an explanation. But, when I think about it, even if she wants to fix and change, I don't care to. I have no energy to put into relationships anymore. 

Edited April 17, 2016 by Sharon77

[Sharon77]

I genuinely appreciate the responses, I've been thinking thru the advice and I've decided to ghost her.

 

As you all prob know, when things like this happen, it's more of a build up over time of little things. This last comment was the most glaring, showing me how much she thinks she is above me.

 

She'll eventually figure it out/move on. If not, oh well! cest la vie!

 

[QueenCat]

What does "less than desirable views on homosexuality" mean? I'm assuming you mean that your friend's daughter is a bigot, and, if that's the case, then I'd definitely express sympathy for your friend, who is presumably devastated by the fact that her daughter has such a horrifying character flaw. I can't imagine how heartbroken your friend would be, and probably very guilty as well that she failed her child in such a tragic way.

 

One can only hope that her daughter finds her inner goodness and lets go of the evil that is clutching her at this moment. Hopefully, she's just going through a very ugly growing pain and will grow into a loving, balanced, centered person that your friend hopes for her to be. Or, perhaps the girl has some sort of psychiatric disorder? In any case, certainly the girl would benefit from counseling, as probably would her family as well given the pain they are experiencing.

 

Surely, if I were experiencing such a devastating disappointment about my own child, I would be overwhelmed with grief and guilt. To think that a child who I'd birthed, loved, and raised could grow up into a bigot really shatters me just imagining such a thing. 

 

I'm not sure why your friend would think that such a large portion of girls are lesbian or bisexual, but I wouldn't get distracted by that odd error. I'd just focus on the important thing of supporting and loving your friend while she is experiencing such a devastating disappointment in her child. Presumably, once the girl and her family address the mental issues underlying the development of the girl's bigotry, they won't continue to have those sorts of hyperbolic beliefs. 

 

The OP's friend probably needs a lot of support if she is going through this with her daughter.

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

Yes, you are correct. I would say more like my friend is, I don't like the word bigot, but she is very closed-minded. I am a conservative Protestant, but all I can say is that I have gay friends and never in a million years would I ever do anything to hurt them. My convictions and beliefs are mine to carry out in my own life

 

 

 

 

I'm not religious, but I do understand worrying about our kids.  I have no problem with homosexuality, but I know a lot of people do so my concern wouldn't be that my kid is gay, but if my kid is gay he/she might encounter extra hardship in his life as a result.  So whatever her reasoning it is understandable.

 

Sounds like the mom is going through some hard times just worrying about her kid.  Goodness knows I know what that is like.  And it feels like nobody understands you.  If you dare say a word that isn't 100% supportive people often jump on you (like calling you a bigot which is so not helpful).  Or conversely if you don't put your foot down and demand your kid fly straight you are a lousy parent (so say a lot of conservative folks).  You can't win. There is always someone against you.  And things are a lot different when it's hypothetical verses personal.

[Reefgazer]

Just take progressively longer to return phone calls or texts, until the time is so long for all practical purposes you're not returning calls. The friendship will fade away that way.

[KungFuPanda]

Your last text should read:

 

New phone. Who dis?

[Katy]

I wouldn't end a friendship with someone who just found out her daughter is gay and who is still in some sort of "It's a phase" denial. Not for the woman's sake, but for the daughter's.

 

Frankly if you make it clear that you support her daughter's right to be whoever she is and still get unconditional love and support from her parents, she might end the friendship with you.  But at least she will have heard that you, a Christian, are on her daughter's side.