''I'm a failure.''

[go_go_gadget]

My nearly eleven year-old is convinced that he's a failure, and perhaps there's no point in trying to be anything else. This is partly my fault, because we're in a constant state of things not getting done. He's gone from being pretty good about his chores and good about schoolwork, to basically doing nothing. He's down to showering once a week, and barely gets any school done. Chores happen when the trash is overflowing and the cat box reeks, instead of daily. So I'm always hounding him to just.do.his.stuff, and now he's decided he's a failure. 

 

What do I now? I know some of it is the age, but how do I counteract the negativity?

[zoobie]

I would be worried about depression.

[Arcadia]

What is the weather like where you are? Is it sunny or gloomy?

 

Both my boys and me are having a bad round of hay fever as well as winter rash. DS10 is getting nothing other than reading done which is fine by me. DS11 is doing all his outside homework the best he can while sneezing and coughing. We are eating mainly takeouts since it is hard to cook while sneezing.

[klmama]

It could be depression, but that's around the age my productive dc started slowing way down, too, so it might just be hormones.  I'd start with assuming he's okay, but that he needs a bit of help to get motivated again.   "Son, help me make some cookies (or something he really loves) to put in the oven, and while they bake I'll help you collect the trash and clean the cat box."  

[Tsuga]

My nearly eleven year-old is convinced that he's a failure, and perhaps there's no point in trying to be anything else. This is partly my fault, because we're in a constant state of things not getting done. He's gone from being pretty good about his chores and good about schoolwork, to basically doing nothing. He's down to showering once a week, and barely gets any school done. Chores happen when the trash is overflowing and the cat box reeks, instead of daily. So I'm always hounding him to just.do.his.stuff, and now he's decided he's a failure. 

 

What do I now? I know some of it is the age, but how do I counteract the negativity?

 

Best piece of internet advice ever received:

 

"If you wouldn't speak with your friends like that, don't speak with your self like that."

 

"Please don't speak about my beloved son that way. Yes, things are slowing down and he's re-grouping but he's not a failure. He's only eleven. He has time."

 

"Please be patient with yourself. You deserve it."

 

In the long run, although these messages don't solve the whole problem, I think they really can help provide positive alternatives for self-talk and a general principle to guide him. It's only a small piece of the puzzle but I think it's an important piece.

 

I find them very, very helpful to my extreme thinking daughter.

 

Good luck. 

[knoxinsox]

I have your son's twin living at my house.  I had to look to make sure I didn't write this.  He wants to leave his work all to the last minute, and wants his hand held while doing his subjects.  On a good day, he can get everything done in 2 hours if he stays focused.      

 

I know my son is hormonal.  Even my husband asked the other day, what was wrong with him???  I told Hubby that son was getting his period.  We had a good laugh, but that's how bad it is.  

 

I'm also looking for advice. Following this....

[Gil]

My nearly eleven year-old is convinced that he's a failure, and perhaps there's no point in trying to be anything else. This is partly my fault, because we're in a constant state of things not getting done. He's gone from being pretty good about his chores and good about schoolwork, to basically doing nothing. He's down to showering once a week, and barely gets any school done. Chores happen when the trash is overflowing and the cat box reeks, instead of daily. So I'm always hounding him to just.do.his.stuff, and now he's decided he's a failure. 

 

What do I now? I know some of it is the age, but how do I counteract the negativity?

 

Ask him "Does the idea of being a failure bother you?" (presumably he'll say yes.) Tell him you know that he isn't a failure, use the stuff that Tsuga mentioned on him. Tell him that you're going to spend a few days thinking of ways to help him. Then leave him alone. Don't try and cheer him up if his under-performing on all fronts is bothering him. Tell him not to talk nastily to himself etc, but don't over do it. I wouldn't assume that he's depressed--just that he's dissapointed and perhaps overwhelmed with "getting back on track." It is okay (and demonstrative of self-awareness) for kids to be dissappointed with themselves when they are performing poorly in some way. If he's disappointed in himself then he'll need to alter his negativity and improve to pull himself out that funk.

 

Leave off arguing about the chores for a moment. Continue to tell him that he should  not beat himself up about things but don't coddle him. If he feels that he's a failure because he's failing to maintain even a basic standard then in a way he's right: he's failing to accomplish the tasks he's expected to. The good news is that penalty for falling down isn't death and he isn't doomed to exist in a realm of underachievement forever and ever amen.

 

After a few days or a week sit down and have a meeting with him. Tell him you've thought a lot about what he said. Re-iterate that puberty may be messing with his ability to focus, disrupting his usual executive functioning skills etc. That you think you've made a mistake by not considering his physical and mental change while setting expectations during this stage. Pare down his list of routine, domestic and academic expectations to what you both feel is more manageable. If he just does NF reading and math work for a few months and slowly adds in topics, then where is the harm in that? Ask him what he needs from you and the family to help him stay on the track to productivity and meeting his expectations of himself.

 

 

"Okay son, you say that dropping the ball so often makes you feel like a failure. The problem is not that you are a failure, the problem is that you are dropping the ball. So, what can you do about it? What can I do to help you? What do you think that DAD and SIBLINGS could do to help you? Lets make a list. Lets make a schedule. Have him sign a contract about how he'll respond to reminders to do his chores. Let him know "Ok Son, I will agree to set reminders on my phone and help you remember to do your chores--but you must not give me grief for reminding you. My reminding you is help, don't punish people for helping you by arguing, ignoring or being unpleasant when you are reminded and told to do X, Y or Z"

 

Be encouraging and give gentle praise when its due. Offer fair feed back "I saw  you cleaned the bathroom kiddo--the sink and mirror look great. You forgot to take out the trash in there, but I was so impressed with the job you did on the tub that I went ahead and did it for you." Then next time you tell him to clean the bathroom, remind him to get the trash out.

 

Then just reinforce over and over again that no one's perfect. Everyone loses their groove or mojo at times, its how you get back up that matters. Don't nag and don't coddle him. Ultimately its hard to feel good about yourself if you don't have anything to feel good about. He may just need to "earn" his self-respect at this time. Its not an unnatural feeling for many adolescents. There is a huge gap between what people of all ages want to accomplish, and what they usually do.

[mom2scouts]

I have a hormonal 13 year old who doesn't get much more done than reading assignments and math, so I can sympathize. Being unproductive isn't that uncommon in the tween/early teen years. If your son is actually verbalizing that he is a failure, I would be concerned. Negative self talk is a huge red flag for depression.

[catz]

How is he spending his days? My son was monumentally unproductive for a while as a middle schooler. That said, he was getting outside and exercising daily. And there were certain requirements that needed to get done before he could watch tv or play video games which was never before 3 pm regardless. He needed a lot of tomato staking and supervision. He may need very specific help structuring his days. I would pragmatically make him stop insulting himself every time and be on the look out for depression.

[OnMyOwn]

Has something changed that has led to him not getting his work done or is he just flat out refusing to do it? Can you get him on a regular schedule, starting by getting up at the same time each day and beginning it with a shower? Then start with a specific amount of work and a specific time to do it? What about trying to get out of the house at least once a day even if it's just to go to the library or the grocery store or for a walk?

 

I've got an older unmotivated teen right now. He is good about getting his work done, so I'm grateful for that, but that's about all he does. He does not seem happy for the first time in his life and that worries me. I've been really working hard to get him out of the house and doing things, but it is very difficult to get him to go, so I can definitely empathize with you. Depression can lead to a lack of motivation and desire to do things, but I also think it can go the other way and that if you can change the behavior, the mood can lift.

[Reefgazer]

I don't fling the word depression around easily because I think it's over-used, but yeah, depression. perhaps weather/season-related, like Arcadia suggests.

Edited February 15, 2016 by reefgazer

[MercyA]

I've found books in this series to be very helpful:

What to Do When You Grumble Too Much: A Kid's Guide to Overcoming Negativity

What to Do When Mistakes Make You Quake: A Kid's Guide to Accepting Imperfection

[goldberry]

Just a thought...   It was about that age that my daughters ADD started getting the best of her.  She also started talking about being a failure and not being able to remember things or get things finished.  Eventually for us it led to medication.  I knew that my husband suffered HUGE self esteem issues from growing up with unmedicated ADD.  I didn't want to see that happen to DD.  Sometimes inattentive type without hyperactivity is more easily dealt with until later in life, when it becomes more of an interference.  Not saying that is your situation, just throwing it out there.  

[Scarlett]

My nearly eleven year-old is convinced that he's a failure, and perhaps there's no point in trying to be anything else. This is partly my fault, because we're in a constant state of things not getting done. He's gone from being pretty good about his chores and good about schoolwork, to basically doing nothing. He's down to showering once a week, and barely gets any school done. Chores happen when the trash is overflowing and the cat box reeks, instead of daily. So I'm always hounding him to just.do.his.stuff, and now he's decided he's a failure.

 

What do I now? I know some of it is the age, but how do I counteract the negativity?

11 is very young still. he needs a lot of help with this stuff.

 

Take a few days off school and get the house cleaned up. Insist on a daily shower. Then baby step him through one or two chores a day. He needs you to be organized before he can get organized.

[goldberry]

. So I'm always hounding him to just.do.his.stuff, and now he's decided he's a failure. 

 

 

 

For my DD, especially at that age, she was honestly trying to remember and be responsible, it just wasn't in her at the time.  Someone posted here on the board, that under usual circumstances, "No one *wants* to fail."

 

As a person who is very type A, and benefited from just being "cracked down on", I really had to change to a gentler, leading approach with dd.  I was literally crushing her spirit and didn't realize it.  Thanks to that comment from someone here on the board, I started changing methods to encourage success rather than cracking down on failure.

 

Yes, there are kids who use emotion to manipulate and get away with things.  But only you know what the case is with YOUR child.  Is he really just not able to deliver for whatever reason?  Do you need to step back to the "walking through" stage for a bit, even though you don't think you should have to?

 

Again, just an idea.  You know your child best.

[Katy]

nm

Edited July 22, 2016 by Katy

[trulycrabby]

How much exercise is he getting? DS12 requires daily 3.5 mile walks/jogs, yoga classes, two hour soccer practices 3 days per week and soccer/fitness training twice a week.

[Reefgazer]

Regardless of what is driving your DS's malady, writing *everything* down in a planner and ticking the tasks off as they are done should help.

My nearly eleven year-old is convinced that he's a failure, and perhaps there's no point in trying to be anything else. This is partly my fault, because we're in a constant state of things not getting done. He's gone from being pretty good about his chores and good about schoolwork, to basically doing nothing. He's down to showering once a week, and barely gets any school done. Chores happen when the trash is overflowing and the cat box reeks, instead of daily. So I'm always hounding him to just.do.his.stuff, and now he's decided he's a failure. 

 

What do I now? I know some of it is the age, but how do I counteract the negativity?

 

[GinaPagnato]

Just curious. Why aren't you guys getting stuff done? Has there been a major illness or other such problem? Or are you just struggling with organization and time management?

 

I ask because if things are chaotic at home, then all the self-talk and exercise in the world probably won't help a young boy. Structure, routine, boundaries, predictability and expectations can go a long way toward emotional stability and drive.

[Alte Veste Academy]

Just curious. Why aren't you guys getting stuff done? Has there been a major illness or other such problem? Or are you just struggling with organization and time management?

 

I ask because if things are chaotic at home, then all the self-talk and exercise in the world probably won't help a young boy. Structure, routine, boundaries, predictability and expectations can go a long way toward emotional stability and drive.

 

Because I have btdt, this is the first thing I thought of too. 

 

My nearly eleven year-old is convinced that he's a failure, and perhaps there's no point in trying to be anything else. This is partly my fault, because we're in a constant state of things not getting done. He's gone from being pretty good about his chores and good about schoolwork, to basically doing nothing. He's down to showering once a week, and barely gets any school done. Chores happen when the trash is overflowing and the cat box reeks, instead of daily. So I'm always hounding him to just.do.his.stuff, and now he's decided he's a failure. 

 

What do I now? I know some of it is the age, but how do I counteract the negativity?

 

Honestly, very very super gently because I have btdt in the past in some similar ways, I read this as you only enforce showering once a week, emptying the litter box only when it becomes intolerable, taking out the trash when there is literally no room for more, and allowing him to get away with a bare minimum of school. So then when you can't take it anymore after letting him slide (which already causes you constant stress, I'm guessing), you get even more stressed and, if you're anything like I was, mad at yourself about how out-of-control everything feels, and then you start enforcing all the things right now—right this very minute.

 

Or maybe you are literally hounding the whole time but still not enforcing the tasks you are hounding him about, which sends very mixed signals and ultimately does not end in success. Worse, it reinforces his slacking behavior, maintaining the dynamic of his habit of just skating by, staying under your radar but accomplishing little, aware that he is consistently letting you down. That builds up negativity in him. Think of it this way: the hounding is a constant message of failure to him. He needs help following through.

 

This is very stressful, especially for sensitive kids and those who crave structure and boundaries. My oldest was one of these. In his early school years, I thought I was being awesome by making expectations casual, but he needs structure which became very evident over time. The first thing I would do as mom (and believe me, I have had to follow this advice too many times to count, LOL) is stop talking/whining/harping so darn much....ESPECIALLY with my boys.

 

I would counteract his negativity by starting with the negativity you feel about this. I would make a schoolwork and chore chart and lay out every single expectation to make his days predictable and his responsibilities crystal clear. I would talk to him and totally take all the blame for me. "I'm sorry I've been lax and letting x, y, and z slide. That's my fault. I'm going to work on getting more organized and helping you manage your schoolwork and chores."

 

My kids know that if they finish their daily checklists, their evenings and weekends are free. If they don't, they are not free until the checklists are finished. They know that if they finish every daily chore as required, they get their allowance on Friday. Charts aren't magical, of course. They require enforcement. But in the beginning, help him. Side-by-side, as a mentor, you can help him with his chores and schoolwork. Try to bite your tongue and go from hounding to helping. When his habits are set, he can transition to working on his own more. And he's still 10 now, so really, he's still in a period when he needs mentoring. Also, some kids just benefit from companionship in their work. DS13 is that way too, although he has gotten much more independent as he's gotten older, which is to be expected. 

 

Also, check out Smart But Scattered. It helped me as much as my kids. :D

Edited February 15, 2016 by Alte Veste Academy

[Barb_]

How do you react when he says, "I'm a failure?" 11 can be a somewhat difficult age, particularly for boys. It's a testing age. By all means, explore the possibility of depression or illness first, but consider that this may be his way of getting out of doing what he doesn't want to do. If you are overly sympathetic and let him slide, he may subconsciously realize it's a trigger word that lets him off the hook.

 

I know I only have part of the story, but I just wanted to offer an alternative.

 

I would ask him what he means by, "a failure." It will help you get to the bottom of it. If he means he never gets anything done and he'd discouraged by it, he can help you come up with ways to take responsibility for himself (checklists and that sort of thing). If it's more that he feels unwell or that he tries and can't seem to remember/focus/motivate himself then you can explore adhd or depression. If he can't explain himself, then you may want to suspect button pushing

[go_go_gadget]

I would be worried about depression.

 

 

We've been trying to convince him to see a therapist, and we as parents went for an initial session over a month ago. The therapist said therapy only works when a person *wants* help, and he's adamant about not being comfortable talking to a stranger about personal stuff. So we're in a holding pattern on that front, but I'm worried about depression, as well.

 

What is the weather like where you are? Is it sunny or gloomy?

 

Both my boys and me are having a bad round of hay fever as well as winter rash. DS10 is getting nothing other than reading done which is fine by me. DS11 is doing all his outside homework the best he can while sneezing and coughing. We are eating mainly takeouts since it is hard to cook while sneezing.

 

It's been getting steadily worse for months, since before winter. It's been sunny for several weeks now, here in the Bay Area. No allergies, but food intolerances that majorly effect his behavior.

 

Best piece of internet advice ever received:

 

"If you wouldn't speak with your friends like that, don't speak with your self like that."

 

"Please don't speak about my beloved son that way. Yes, things are slowing down and he's re-grouping but he's not a failure. He's only eleven. He has time."

 

"Please be patient with yourself. You deserve it."

 

In the long run, although these messages don't solve the whole problem, I think they really can help provide positive alternatives for self-talk and a general principle to guide him. It's only a small piece of the puzzle but I think it's an important piece.

 

I find them very, very helpful to my extreme thinking daughter.

 

Good luck. 

 

I've said every one of these things, more than once.

 

 

Ask him "Does the idea of being a failure bother you?" (presumably he'll say yes.) Tell him you know that he isn't a failure, use the stuff that Tsuga mentioned on him. Tell him that you're going to spend a few days thinking of ways to help him. Then leave him alone. Don't try and cheer him up if his under-performing on all fronts is bothering him. Tell him not to talk nastily to himself etc, but don't over do it. I wouldn't assume that he's depressed--just that he's dissapointed and perhaps overwhelmed with "getting back on track." It is okay (and demonstrative of self-awareness) for kids to be dissappointed with themselves when they are performing poorly in some way. If he's disappointed in himself then he'll need to alter his negativity and improve to pull himself out that funk.

 

Leave off arguing about the chores for a moment. Continue to tell him that he should  not beat himself up about things but don't coddle him. If he feels that he's a failure because he's failing to maintain even a basic standard then in a way he's right: he's failing to accomplish the tasks he's expected to. The good news is that penalty for falling down isn't death and he isn't doomed to exist in a realm of underachievement forever and ever amen.

 

After a few days or a week sit down and have a meeting with him. Tell him you've thought a lot about what he said. Re-iterate that puberty may be messing with his ability to focus, disrupting his usual executive functioning skills etc. That you think you've made a mistake by not considering his physical and mental change while setting expectations during this stage. Pare down his list of routine, domestic and academic expectations to what you both feel is more manageable. If he just does NF reading and math work for a few months and slowly adds in topics, then where is the harm in that? Ask him what he needs from you and the family to help him stay on the track to productivity and meeting his expectations of himself.

 

 

"Okay son, you say that dropping the ball so often makes you feel like a failure. The problem is not that you are a failure, the problem is that you are dropping the ball. So, what can you do about it? What can I do to help you? What do you think that DAD and SIBLINGS could do to help you? Lets make a list. Lets make a schedule. Have him sign a contract about how he'll respond to reminders to do his chores. Let him know "Ok Son, I will agree to set reminders on my phone and help you remember to do your chores--but you must not give me grief for reminding you. My reminding you is help, don't punish people for helping you by arguing, ignoring or being unpleasant when you are reminded and told to do X, Y or Z"

 

Be encouraging and give gentle praise when its due. Offer fair feed back "I saw  you cleaned the bathroom kiddo--the sink and mirror look great. You forgot to take out the trash in there, but I was so impressed with the job you did on the tub that I went ahead and did it for you." Then next time you tell him to clean the bathroom, remind him to get the trash out.

 

Then just reinforce over and over again that no one's perfect. Everyone loses their groove or mojo at times, its how you get back up that matters. Don't nag and don't coddle him. Ultimately its hard to feel good about yourself if you don't have anything to feel good about. He may just need to "earn" his self-respect at this time. Its not an unnatural feeling for many adolescents. There is a huge gap between what people of all ages want to accomplish, and what they usually do.

 

This is what I've been doing, for months.

 

How is he spending his days? My son was monumentally unproductive for a while as a middle schooler. That said, he was getting outside and exercising daily. And there were certain requirements that needed to get done before he could watch tv or play video games which was never before 3 pm regardless. He needed a lot of tomato staking and supervision. He may need very specific help structuring his days. I would pragmatically make him stop insulting himself every time and be on the look out for depression.

 

I've done mega structure. I've done minimal structure. I've done ''happy medium'' structure. He's in a rigorous ballet program (his choice, and his primary source of gratification), with classes and/or rehearsals 3-5/week. On the in-between days he plays with neighborhood kids (outside, running around, scootering, etc., not TV/video games), or when he's at my parents' house he either plays games (imaginary and video), and bikes. He swims whenever he has a chance. So he's pretty active, and on the lower end of media consumption for most kids these days, from what I gather. 

 

Has something changed that has led to him not getting his work done or is he just flat out refusing to do it? Can you get him on a regular schedule, starting by getting up at the same time each day and beginning it with a shower? Then start with a specific amount of work and a specific time to do it? What about trying to get out of the house at least once a day even if it's just to go to the library or the grocery store or for a walk?

 

I've got an older unmotivated teen right now. He is good about getting his work done, so I'm grateful for that, but that's about all he does. He does not seem happy for the first time in his life and that worries me. I've been really working hard to get him out of the house and doing things, but it is very difficult to get him to go, so I can definitely empathize with you. Depression can lead to a lack of motivation and desire to do things, but I also think it can go the other way and that if you can change the behavior, the mood can lift.

 

Nothing's changed, and our previously regular schedule (including regular times for waking up, showering, schoolwork, chores, etc.) has slowly crumbled as his mood has worsened. He gets out of the house every single day, but definitely isn't over-scheduled in his activities.

 

Just a thought...   It was about that age that my daughters ADD started getting the best of her.  She also started talking about being a failure and not being able to remember things or get things finished.  Eventually for us it led to medication.  I knew that my husband suffered HUGE self esteem issues from growing up with unmedicated ADD.  I didn't want to see that happen to DD.  Sometimes inattentive type without hyperactivity is more easily dealt with until later in life, when it becomes more of an interference.  Not saying that is your situation, just throwing it out there.  

 

I've been strongly considering this, and wonder if I could have been ADD as well. School was easy enough for me that I never needed to focus or work hard, and had to learn those skills as an adult.

 

11 is very young still. he needs a lot of help with this stuff.

 

Take a few days off school and get the house cleaned up. Insist on a daily shower. Then baby step him through one or two chores a day. He needs you to be organized before he can get organized.

 

I am organized. My organization no longer seems to work for him, and short of beating him, I've tried everything I can think of to ''insist'' that he do things like shower.

 

 

 

Yeah, I'd have him get an evaluation.  I'm thinking ADHD/inattentive too.  Either way, cognitive behavioral therapy to change the self-talk, and a lot more hand holding, instructions, and breaking things down into baby steps.  Try not to think of this as regression, because puberty literally breaks down the ability to think things through, and if he also has an executive function issue, it's doubly bad. Seriously, I'd trust a 9 year old more than a 12-16 year old any day.

 

I'd say, "No child of mine is a failure.  You're struggling to get things done, and we're going to fix it."  And then you break instructions down for him.

 

And when I say break things down, I mean break them down like you're instructing a six year old.  As in, don't give him a list, give him one instruction:

• Clean the litterbox right now. It takes two minutes to clean and two minutes to take out the trash. Now.
• Get in the shower right now. When you're clean and dressed come to me and I'll give you the next thing to do.
• Hang up or put away all the clean clothes that are lying around in your room.
• Put all the dirty clothes in your room in your hamper.
• Make your bed.
• Do 1 problem of your math assignment and show me.

At the point that he flat-out rebels, assuming his evaluation comes back typical but frustrating pubescent tween, then I'd look at the behavior as a matter of entitlement, and do something like this blogger did: How We Erased Teenage Entitlement

 

I definitely have started giving one instruction at a time, to no avail. And far from being entitled (I did read the blog post), he's genuinely bothered by his lack of productivity, and feels more like he doesn't deserve what he has.

 

Cont. in next post

[go_go_gadget]

 

How much exercise is he getting? DS12 requires daily 3.5 mile walks/jogs, yoga classes, two hour soccer practices 3 days per week and soccer/fitness training twice a week.

 

He gets close to that amount (see above). 

 

Regardless of what is driving your DS's malady, writing *everything* down in a planner and ticking the tasks off as they are done should help.

 

That worked for about a week. 

 

Just curious. Why aren't you guys getting stuff done? Has there been a major illness or other such problem? Or are you just struggling with organization and time management?

 

I ask because if things are chaotic at home, then all the self-talk and exercise in the world probably won't help a young boy. Structure, routine, boundaries, predictability and expectations can go a long way toward emotional stability and drive.

 

Things aren't chaotic, but they are busy. I'm a graduate student and I teach at my university as well. I've set out very clear routines that are totally predictable, and the expectations are clear.

 

Because I have btdt, this is the first thing I thought of too. 

 

 

Honestly, very very super gently because I have btdt in the past in some similar ways, I read this as you only enforce showering once a week, emptying the litter box only when it becomes intolerable, taking out the trash when there is literally no room for more, and allowing him to get away with a bare minimum of school. So then when you can't take it anymore after letting him slide (which already causes you constant stress, I'm guessing), you get even more stressed and, if you're anything like I was, mad at yourself about how out-of-control everything feels, and then you start enforcing all the things right now—right this very minute.

 

Or maybe you are literally hounding the whole time but still not enforcing the tasks you are hounding him about, which sends very mixed signals and ultimately does not end in success. Worse, it reinforces his slacking behavior, maintaining the dynamic of his habit of just skating by, staying under your radar but accomplishing little, aware that he is consistently letting you down. That builds up negativity in him. Think of it this way: the hounding is a constant message of failure to him. He needs help following through.

 

This is very stressful, especially for sensitive kids and those who crave structure and boundaries. My oldest was one of these. In his early school years, I thought I was being awesome by making expectations casual, but he needs structure which became very evident over time. The first thing I would do as mom (and believe me, I have had to follow this advice too many times to count, LOL) is stop talking/whining/harping so darn much....ESPECIALLY with my boys.

 

I would counteract his negativity by starting with the negativity you feel about this. I would make a schoolwork and chore chart and lay out every single expectation to make his days predictable and his responsibilities crystal clear. I would talk to him and totally take all the blame for me. "I'm sorry I've been lax and letting x, y, and z slide. That's my fault. I'm going to work on getting more organized and helping you manage your schoolwork and chores."

 

My kids know that if they finish their daily checklists, their evenings and weekends are free. If they don't, they are not free until the checklists are finished. They know that if they finish every daily chore as required, they get their allowance on Friday. Charts aren't magical, of course. They require enforcement. But in the beginning, help him. Side-by-side, as a mentor, you can help him with his chores and schoolwork. Try to bite your tongue and go from hounding to helping. When his habits are set, he can transition to working on his own more. And he's still 10 now, so really, he's still in a period when he needs mentoring. Also, some kids just benefit from companionship in their work. DS13 is that way too, although he has gotten much more independent as he's gotten older, which is to be expected. 

 

Also, check out Smart But Scattered. It helped me as much as my kids.  :D

 

See above about ''enforcing'' things. He's very much like I was, and my parents tried taking away every single of mine, and allowing me to do exactly nothing. Challenge accepted, and eventually the took me to a shrink who told them to try not feeding me, because absolutely nothing else worked. I'm putting that book on my list, thank you!

 

How do you react when he says, "I'm a failure?" 11 can be a somewhat difficult age, particularly for boys. It's a testing age. By all means, explore the possibility of depression or illness first, but consider that this may be his way of getting out of doing what he doesn't want to do. If you are overly sympathetic and let him slide, he may subconsciously realize it's a trigger word that lets him off the hook.

I know I only have part of the story, but I just wanted to offer an alternative.

I would ask him what he means by, "a failure." It will help you get to the bottom of it. If he means he never gets anything done and he'd discouraged by it, he can help you come up with ways to take responsibility for himself (checklists and that sort of thing). If it's more that he feels unwell or that he tries and can't seem to remember/focus/motivate himself then you can explore adhd or depression. If he can't explain himself, then you may want to suspect button pushing

 

Most of this I've addressed above, but it's not button-pushing, and he's not trying to get out of doing things. He's asked for help in overcoming this.

 

I feel like I've shot down almost everything that was said, but I sincerely appreciate all of you taking the time to write all of this out. Having people coming up with most of the same ideas I've already had helps me feel like I'm heading in the right direction, and I'm going to redouble my efforts to persuade him to see a counselor. I think he might be more willing if I'm also able to have him evaluated for ADD, because his difficulty in focusing really bothers him.

 

[Arcadia]

Bath below leaving for ballet. My oldest is shower phobic, used to be extremely toilet phobic. Had to make my oldest run a bubble bath by convincing him it is impolite to go for an activity stinking.

 

Food intolerance might be zapping his energy. Growth spurt may be zapping his energy at the same time. My DS11 is having mood swings every growth spurt unless I make sure he is eating every few hours.

 

ETA:

We manage to get insurance to pay for part of ADD evaluation and the rest came out of our HSA. So we did not have to pony up cash.

 

Also see if you can find an evaluator who is used to seeing 2E children/teens. The first evaluator we saw said my DS10 was just a bored kid but couldn't give us more guidance.

Edited February 16, 2016 by Arcadia

[Alte Veste Academy]

I'm confused about your enforcement. What is he doing at the moment you are saying to do x, y, or z? His actual actions? His actual words? And why all this...

 

 

On the in-between days he plays with neighborhood kids (outside, running around, scootering, etc., not TV/video games), or when he's at my parents' house he either plays games (imaginary and video), and bikes. He swims whenever he has a chance.

 

​if he isn't taking out the trash or doing his schoolwork? I hear you on "challenge accepted." That was me too. But at the same time, you are say he is not getting things done, that he himself says he wants to change, and yet he is having all this fun without any work. Does he get logical consequences? 

[go_go_gadget]

Bath below leaving for ballet. My oldest is shower phobic, used to be extremely toilet phobic. Had to make my oldest run a bubble bath by convincing him it is impolite to go for an activity stinking.

 

Food intolerance might be zapping his energy. Growth spurt may be zapping his energy at the same time. My DS11 is having mood swings every growth spurt unless I make sure he is eating every few hours.

 

ETA:

We manage to get insurance to pay for part of ADD evaluation and the rest came out of our HSA. So we did not have to pony up cash.

 

Also see if you can find an evaluator who is used to seeing 2E children/teens. The first evaluator we saw said my DS10 was just a bored kid but couldn't give us more guidance.

 

I've been hesitant to make ballet conditional, because it's the only thing that brings him joy these days. I did just propose it to him, though, and he was receptive. Here's hoping!

 

Only DH has insurance through his employer, and we pay out of pocket for private insurance with a $10,000 family deductible. 

 

I'm confused about your enforcement. What is he doing at the moment you are saying to do x, y, or z? His actual actions? His actual words? And why all this...

 

 

 

 

​if he isn't taking out the trash or doing his schoolwork? I hear you on "challenge accepted." That was me too. But at the same time, you are say he is not getting things done, that he himself says he wants to change, and yet he is having all this fun without any work. Does he get logical consequences? 

 

 

Oh, I've definitely withheld all of that before (except for what goes on at my parents' house, because it's their house and I need them for childcare). Withholding all of that made no difference, so I gave up on it. No one in this family has ever surrendered in a battle of wills, so they all have the same result: everyone loses. So you're right, I've run out of ''enforcing'', because it wasn't working and just made everyone even more miserable.

Edited February 16, 2016 by go_go_gadget

[kroe1]

We have never had chores at our house. All work is done together as a team including cleaning kid bedrooms. When I am right there with them, there can be no slacking. School was the same in that I was always right there. I did not plan anything for me during school time, not even washing a quick load of clothes. If I left, I would come back to find video games going.

 

I solved the time crunch by working nights and part time. And so far, being a mom on top of the kids all day, has made them turn out fine. It defies all the parenting books, and it keeps the house quiet from me yelling for them to do stuff.

 

"I am a failure" coming from an eleven year old, to me, is just another excuse to not do any work. I would discipline that excuse just like I would the myriad of other excuses I have heard over the years:

 

I forgot

You didn't tell me to do that

Daddy said I didn't have to do that

It is not my turn

It is not fair

I have to do everything around here

I do not know how

I didn't make the mess

Why me

I can't do that

I am stupid

I forgot

Etc., etc., etc.

 

If you show any emotion with any of the excuses, or allow a free pass,, the excuse will be repeated over and over

Edited February 16, 2016 by Minniewannabe