Do I make my 17yo kid go, or not?

[ThisIsTheDay]

Looking for advice, suggestions.

 

Ds took an outside science class for homeschoolers three years ago taught by a college professor.  He loved the prof, and he and a friend were the top students in the small class (6-7 students). As a result, they were also the favorite students, and the prof requested a follow up meeting with just the two of them immediately after class ended to offer continued spiritual and educational encouragement.

 

The prof moved away and recently returned to our area. I spoke with him a few months ago and suggested that perhaps my son and the other boy could get together with the prof for lunch or coffee when the other boy was home on Christmas break.

 

The prof called this week and left a message, asking if the boys were available.  The other boy was home for a week and left on a school related trip. He's not available.  I would LOVE for my son to meet up with the prof--but I know my kid, and he will balk and not want to go because he'll feel awkward.

 

I think this is such a great opportunity to meet up with someone who has been a great mentor, someone who truly likes my kid, an outside adult who will offer sound advice and encouragment in general. The prof is truly a good guy (no ulterior motives). 

 

To what extent do I force my kid out of his comfort zone to go?  He is pretty isolated, happily so, but mostly due to various circumstances.  He'll be going off to college in the fall.  It would be for an hour, and I know ds won't be happy about it, but I want him to go, I believe he would be glad he went, and if he didn't go, he would have wished he had.

 

Thoughts?

 

 

 

 

 

[indigomama]

Would it help if you went, too? Maybe, not sit with them, but at a table near by, so he felt like he had a quick out, if needed?

 

I would encourage my kid to go.

[catz]

Well, my kids often need a little pushing and encouragement and reminders about why something is a good idea.  So yep, I'd personally be pushing for my young but not quite adult kid to nurture connections like that.  Who knows when you'll need a reference, etc.  Especially a kid that has been isolated.  I think the more you do this kind of networking the easier it becomes.

Edited January 1, 2016 by WoolySocks

[JustEm]

At 17, I think it should be entirely up to him. If it isn't important to him at all why would you want him to go. I've had a few inspiring teachers but at 17 I wouldn't have wanted to get coffee with any of them.

[Anne in CA]

I can see this exact situation with my youngest. She won't do anything out of her comfort zone without a lot of prodding. Your ds will probably be glad that he went if you can get him to do it. And you might be surprised. he might do it without a fuss. Kids can surprise you, lol.

[Mimm]

There are a lot of things I wouldn't make a 17 year old go to but that's something I'd push for. Probably phrase it like, "It's ultimately your choice, but I strongly feel that you should go and I'm asking you to do so even though you feel uncomfortable." My kid would go if I asked like that unless there were real reasons she didn't want to and in that case I would have to respect that. I don't feel it's a goal for my child to never feel uncomfortable. :)

[livetoread]

I have a 17yo boy who would do exactly the same thing. I would ask him why he wouldn't want to go, he would not tell me and then give me a vague answer if I pushed, and that would be that.

 

Personally I would not push it, especially since they are meeting alone. At that age, teens are old enough to choose their mentors, and if he doesn't want it, that's fine. I know you said it's probably about awkwardness, but I would never push a kid of mine to meet alone with an adult who has shown an interest in them. You say the prof has no ulterior motives, but you can't know that. Respect your son's discomfort, even if it is most likely just because of awkwardness.

[GinaPagnato]

I would make him go. He doesn't yet fully understand how cultivating this relationship could help him in the future.

 

I have done this many times with my teens, and I've never regretted forcing them to do something that *I* thought would be good for them, even if they couldn't see it.

[lispy]

I would not "make" a 17 year old go anywhere he/she did not want to go. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't encourage something I thought would be a good experience. And I wouldn't hesitate to explicitly point out reasons or possible positive outcomes of such experiences--and also any possibilities of later experiences that may be forfeited if this one was declined. Then I would leave it at that.

[Junie]

Looking for advice, suggestions.

 

Ds took an outside science class for homeschoolers three years ago taught by a college professor.  He loved the prof, and he and a friend were the top students in the small class (6-7 students). As a result, they were also the favorite students, and the prof requested a follow up meeting with just the two of them immediately after class ended to offer continued spiritual and educational encouragement.

 

The prof moved away and recently returned to our area. I spoke with him a few months ago and suggested that perhaps my son and the other boy could get together with the prof for lunch or coffee when the other boy was home on Christmas break.

 

The prof called this week and left a message, asking if the boys were available.  The other boy was home for a week and left on a school related trip. He's not available.  I would LOVE for my son to meet up with the prof--but I know my kid, and he will balk and not want to go because he'll feel awkward.

 

I think this is such a great opportunity to meet up with someone who has been a great mentor, someone who truly likes my kid, an outside adult who will offer sound advice and encouragment in general. The prof is truly a good guy (no ulterior motives). 

 

To what extent do I force my kid out of his comfort zone to go?  He is pretty isolated, happily so, but mostly due to various circumstances.  He'll be going off to college in the fall.  It would be for an hour, and I know ds won't be happy about it, but I want him to go, I believe he would be glad he went, and if he didn't go, he would have wished he had.

 

Thoughts?

 

You volunteered your son and another boy to get together with the professor without their permission.  

 

If he or the professor had initiated the idea, I would encourage him to go.  As it is, you are the one who suggested the idea, even though you knew that he wouldn't want to do it.

 

I'm not sure what you should do this time (maybe invite the professor to your house for dinner?), but I would encourage you to not volunteer your son for things that you want him to do.

 

Re-reading this post, it sounds kind of mean, and that is not my intent at all.  I am, however, writing from a place of pain and BTDT.  I think that you don't realize that you are volunteering your son for things that you want him to do instead of asking his opinion first.  My mother still does things like this to me and I hate it.  I don't want you and your son to have the same problem that my mom and I have.  

[Farrar]

I'd try to walk a line between strong encouragement and making it clear it's up to him.

 

I think it's not great when people let themselves get too isolated. In general, if you can find ways to help him get the right support around him without being a nag, I think that's good.

[bettyandbob]

I think I'd push for it. Dh and I do not have good networks. I've been working with my kids to begin developing their own networks and networking skills.

 

You could go the route of offering to go to lunch with him.

 

Or

 

You could coach him on conversation to have at lunch. Think of things ds could talk about or the professor might ask about. Think of things he might ask the professor. Doing this could be a good exercise for job and college/scholarship interviews.

 

Both my older kids have to be pushed out of their comfort zone. That's ok that little push is a step forward and a strip away from stagnate.

[marbel]

I would encourage him to go.  My son can be very hesitant to do things like this so my husband and I coach him on the importance of maintaining connections, the possibility of wanting that person's recommendation/reference for college/job, etc.  But I also take this to heart:

 

You volunteered your son and another boy to get together with the professor without their permission.  

 

It would have been better if the professor had initiated it.  Then it would have been between the man and your son - more of an adult to adult relationship, instead of something organized by mom.  I know my kid is much more likely to do something like that when it's initiated by another adult, not by me.  (Of course at 17 your son is not an adult, but close enough for something like this.)

 

Still, I would sit down with him and ask why he doesn't want to go, and talk over good reasons to go. Maybe he has valid reasons, maybe not.
 

[Jean in Newcastle]

With my 18 year old I would simply state the reasons why I thought it would be good for him to go.  He would consider it seriously since I don't often urge him to do things. But it would be his decision - no "making" him do anything. 

[TammyS]

Unless he says that the prof is a creepy guy or something like that, I'd make him go.  As an introvert myself, I know how easy it is to be content with one's own company.  Unfortunately, the world isn't set up that way.  It really is at least as much who you know as what you know (which totally grosses me out and isn't fair, but reality is).  This prof might or might not be helpful to him in the future, but he absolutely must develop the skill of creating and maintaining a network, and he needs to start practicing immediately. 

[happi duck]

Sounds like the prof agreed to meet up with two kids. I'm not sure I'd assume that one on one was okay.

[marbel]

Sounds like the prof agreed to meet up with two kids. I'm not sure I'd assume that one on one was okay.

 

I had not thought of that.  You may be right; I think most people who work with kids/teens are trained not to spend time together one-on-one. 

[Tammyla]

Honestly, my answer is no.  Two students and the professor would be fine to push on, but it feels especially awkward with the other student not there.  You might try to have your ds reschedule something himself.  

 

On the subject of recommendation letters; just ask for one a good instructor would be happy to write one for a good student.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I would not be worried about an older teen meeting someone for lunch or coffee in a public place. 

[happi duck]

I think most teachers try to protect themselves from rumors by not meeting students one-on-one even if the student and parent are okay with it.

I agree.

 

It's not a worry thing that something will happen but an understanding that a prof might have a specific protocol in place.

[SparklyUnicorn]

No and really I don't think you should have arranged it in the first place without asking him.

 

You could potentially offer to go with him.  Maybe that'll work, but I don't think you can force it.

 

 

[JFSinIL]

Could you see if your teen would be comfortable visiting with the professor if you invited him to your home for an hour? And go over topics with your teen in advance, so he can feel prepared to discuss what he has done lately, ask about the professor's work, etc. Tell him the professor would make a great reference for college/work IF he does this follow-up meeting.

 

I think having the professor over to your home makes it less formal and less a Big Deal to a introverted teen.

[ThisIsTheDay]

Thank you all so much for your comments. It was very helpful to me.

 

I have a 17yo boy who would do exactly the same thing. I would ask him why he wouldn't want to go, he would not tell me and then give me a vague answer if I pushed, and that would be that.

Personally I would not push it, especially since they are meeting alone. At that age, teens are old enough to choose their mentors, and if he doesn't want it, that's fine. I know you said it's probably about awkwardness, but I would never push a kid of mine to meet alone with an adult who has shown an interest in them. You say the prof has no ulterior motives, but you can't know that. Respect your son's discomfort, even if it is most likely just because of awkwardness.

 

He can choose his own, but he wouldn't at this point.  He thinks he doesn't know what to say, or that it may be awkward, but for years, we've been told--and have passed on to him--how often people say he's so mature and thoughtful for his age. He has been known to seek out parents just to make friendly conversation.  He lacks self-confidence, although I think it's been bolstered a bit after beginning dual enrollment last semester.

 

You volunteered your son and another boy to get together with the professor without their permission.  

 

If he or the professor had initiated the idea, I would encourage him to go.  As it is, you are the one who suggested the idea, even though you knew that he wouldn't want to do it.

 

I'm not sure what you should do this time (maybe invite the professor to your house for dinner?), but I would encourage you to not volunteer your son for things that you want him to do.

 

Re-reading this post, it sounds kind of mean, and that is not my intent at all.  I am, however, writing from a place of pain and BTDT.  I think that you don't realize that you are volunteering your son for things that you want him to do instead of asking his opinion first.  My mother still does things like this to me and I hate it.  I don't want you and your son to have the same problem that my mom and I have.  

 

You are SO right!  It didn't come across as mean at all, in fact, I (literally!) laughed out loud when I read it.  It might seem like you pointed out the obvious, but I needed to see that.  I contacted him regarding something unrelated to the "boys," but that subject came up later in the conversation, and I knew that the other young man's mom would greatly appreciate the opportunity for her son to meet with him again too (for reasons I won't go into here).  So, yes, thank you for basically telling me that I had no business getting involved in this way and making any such suggestion. :)

 

Re your comment about having him to our house for dinner.  Truly, another excellent point, because my first thought was OH, I don't really want to do that, SO awkward--which is exactly how my son feels at the thought of lunch. It very much puts things in perspective for me.

 

 

 

 

I would encourage him to go.  My son can be very hesitant to do things like this so my husband and I coach him on the importance of maintaining connections, the possibility of wanting that person's recommendation/reference for college/job, etc.  But I also take this to heart:

 

 

It would have been better if the professor had initiated it.  Then it would have been between the man and your son - more of an adult to adult relationship, instead of something organized by mom.  I know my kid is much more likely to do something like that when it's initiated by another adult, not by me.  (Of course at 17 your son is not an adult, but close enough for something like this.)

 

Still, I would sit down with him and ask why he doesn't want to go, and talk over good reasons to go. Maybe he has valid reasons, maybe not.
 

 

I mentioned it to him a couple of months ago, and he called me this week and left a message asking if they were available. So at this point, it indicates to me that he is still interested in getting together.

 

Sounds like the prof agreed to meet up with two kids. I'm not sure I'd assume that one on one was okay.

 

I have no doubt he'd be thrilled to meet with either one, or both.

 

For those who said there would be a protocol in place and a professor wouldn't be likely to meet with just one student--really?  A college professor would be concerned about meeting with one student alone, whether inside or outside of the classroom?  My college kid has met with her professors or TAs many times alone, for math tutoring, foreign language finals, for various writing projects, and more.  Dd finds that kind of interaction is welcomed, by both her instructors and herself.

 

 

Honestly, my answer is no.  Two students and the professor would be fine to push on, but it feels especially awkward with the other student not there.  You might try to have your ds reschedule something himself.  

 

On the subject of recommendation letters; just ask for one a good instructor would be happy to write one for a good student.

 

Honestly, it has nothing to do with any recommendation. This is just someone who my son thought and continues to think very highly of, and he was greatly encouraged by him a couple of years ago. 

 

Could you see if your teen would be comfortable visiting with the professor if you invited him to your home for an hour? And go over topics with your teen in advance, so he can feel prepared to discuss what he has done lately, ask about the professor's work, etc. Tell him the professor would make a great reference for college/work IF he does this follow-up meeting.

I think having the professor over to your home makes it less formal and less a Big Deal to a introverted teen.

 

All right, as Junie said, having him at our house is also a possibility.  Thank you. I don't want my kid to do something just because it might be an advantageous reference for him down the road, kwim?  I don't want him to be thinking of relationships in those terms.  Of course, in general, we are in many relationships because we get something out of them (even friendships, right?), but I don't want that to be his motivating reason.

 

Truly, all comments have been helpful and have given me a much better idea on how to frame my side of the conversation--including an apology for crossing boundaries that I should not have. And thank you to those of you who pointed that out.  You were gentle with me, and I appreciate that.