We received further information regarding FIL's health

[AimeeM]

FIL's physician's assistant called DH today. After some routine x-rays, they are fairly certain that the cancer has spread to his bones, which is why he's in so much pain.

We knew it was probable, but it was a guess based on bloodwork.. but today the doctor gave DH a timeline along with the x-ray results. 

6-12 months. 

 

I've never seen my husband like this. 

 

And now is the time to confess, only to y'all, that I'm terrified. Nobody close to me has ever died. My maternal grandparents (the only I ever knew) are still alive, as are my parents, my aunts and uncles, my cousins.

I love FIL so much. I just want to be there for DH, but I feel totally and completely out of my league. Like I'm going to do something wrong, or say something wrong, or not be strong enough for him and the children when it's something I'll be experiencing for the first time. 

 

I'm trying to convince DH to go to his Dad's for Christmas. We were going to stay home this holiday, and we have family/friends flying in, but I really, really, really feel like DH needs this possibly last Christmas with his Dad - and the time alone with his Dad. They never have time to do the things they want to do... like hang out at Dad's music shop and just play their accordions, or go through DH's mom's things, look through old pictures, etc, because they are so busy spending time with the children.

 

[Stacia]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Catwoman]

You should all visit your FIL if you can manage it.

 

You have posted before about worrying about saying or doing the wrong thing. You are grieving. Give yourself some grace, and don't worry about saying and doing all the right things. Be there for your dh and your kids, and let them know you love them and will help them get through this, and it's okay to admit that you might need some help and support yourself.

 

I'm so sorry about your FIL. He sounds like such a wonderful man. :(

Edited December 10, 2015 by Catwoman

[Valley Girl]

Catwoman has some wise words.

 

From your previous posts, your FIL sounds like a gem. I don't want to be presumptuous, but one thing I would advise based on my own experience: let your FIL talk the way he needs to talk. If he needs to talk about dying, let him. If he's afraid, let him feel safe expresing that to you and your DH. I think all too often people try to brush off conversations like that when someone is seriously ill because they're so very painful. I think encouraging your DH to spend time with his dad on an ongoing basis (without feeling guilty that he's taking time away from his own family and responsibilities) is a great gift to both of them. I hope you have some support for yourself, too. It's tough being the one to hold things together.

[Guest]

I'm praying he makes it through Christmas, and I hope you can make it happen to visit him for it. That would be a huge blessing.

[Ethel Mertz]

Also, check with your local hospice to see about grief groups. Most hospices have ongoing grief groups. They'll also have good advice on how to help your kids, your husband, your fil, and yourself through this time. Hugs and peace to you and yours.

[AimeeM]

I kind of don't want to take the children up there for Christmas. FIL has confessed to me before that he sincerely does not want the children to see him in this much pain, unable to build block towers with them, teach them any more music (and the other things, like being unable to make it to the bathroom on time, sometimes). It's one reason he doesn't want to move here (in with us).

I do not want him to feel discomforted, first and foremost. I understand his desire to have the children remember him with fondness. This past visit (over Thanksgiving) the poor man spent more time apologizing for various related things (that he had no need to apologize for!) than he did anything else.

 

I want DH to go for Christmas. He is already planning on flying up every month for a four day weekend, but Christmases are special - in previous years we've always spent Christmas with him. 

[Catwoman]

Ask the kids -- particularly your oldest -- what they want to do. Their feelings matter, and if they will always wish they'd had that one last visit with their grandfather, I would try to honor that. Could you and the kids stay in a hotel while your dh stays with his dad? That way, your visits could be based on how your FIL is feeling on a particular day.

[Laurie4b]

I think it's lovely of you to be willing to spend Christmas apart from your dh so that he can be with his father for what may be their last Christmas together.  :grouphug:

[Halftime Hope]

Aimee, as part of your dh's time with FIL, if he isn't already set up for it, can your dh set him up with Skype or Facetime?  That would allow you and the children to "visit" frequently and for short periods of time, without FIL having to worry about the peripheral things?

 

Wishing you the best as you navigate this.

[Annie G]

I agree with your desire to encourage your dh to go spend time with his dad. No matter the timeline, he's going to lose his dad and he'll never regret spending extra time with him...and he probably needs you to encourage him to go because he might feel pulled between his dad and your family. 

 

FIL might come around to his grandkids coming to see him in pain- maybe not yet, but hopefully you or dh can let him know it's ok. 

 

Don't worry about saying the wrong thing.  Your dh and FIL know you love them and anything that doesn't exactly come out right will be quickly forgotten or forgiven because they know your heart.   The important thing is being there for them, and your love for them shows- we can all see it. 

 

I'm so sorry you have to go through this.  :grouphug:

Edited December 10, 2015 by Annie G

[Catwoman]

Aimee, as part of your dh's time with FIL, if he isn't already set up for it, can your dh set him up with Skype or Facetime? That would allow you and the children to "visit" frequently and for short periods of time, without FIL having to worry about the peripheral things?

 

Wishing you the best as you navigate this.

I think that is a brilliant idea! :hurray:

[*Lulu*]

Ask the kids -- particularly your oldest -- what they want to do. Their feelings matter, and if they will always wish they'd had that one last visit with their grandfather, I would try to honor that. Could you and the kids stay in a hotel while your dh stays with his dad? That way, your visits could be based on how your FIL is feeling on a particular day.

m

 

This is very important.

 

I lost a grandparent I was very close to at age 11. Watching someone you love waste away from cancer is difficult, no matter your age. But there is a sense of closure that comes with being with that loved one in the end.

 

(((Aimee)))

[*Lulu*]

Dp

Edited December 10, 2015 by *Lulu*

[AimeeM]

Aimee, as part of your dh's time with FIL, if he isn't already set up for it, can your dh set him up with Skype or Facetime?  That would allow you and the children to "visit" frequently and for short periods of time, without FIL having to worry about the peripheral things?

 

Wishing you the best as you navigate this.

Much to Dad's chagrin, my husband has long since set him up with every gadget imaginable, including (but not limited to) everything needed for him to Skype with me and the children :)

We try to Skype at least weekly. I was actually just looking into how to record the Skype sessions that take place on my Mac. There are stories I would like to record FIL telling, for the children and for DH.

[AimeeM]

Since you have already told your husband how you feel about a Christmas visit, I'd let it go.

 

After seeing a dear friend suffer through cancer which has spread to the bones, I would venture to say that your dear FIL is probably barely managing to get through each day. I doubt very much that anything sentimental like you described will be happening when your dh visits. Your FIL will probably just love having your dh there.

 

Your FIL could probably really use your dh right now as an advocate for adequate pain meds. He will also probably need some help in setting up hospice care at home. Later on, he may need 24-hr care at a hospice facility.

He will not move to a hospice facility. He has some sort of hospice already set up at home (DH took care of that with the social worker who called him after Dad's last blood work-up). The compromise Dad and DH reached is that when the time comes that he needs 24/7 care, either me and the children will come stay with him, or he will come here. Dad has not left his house, other than to cross the street to his music shop, in over 30 years (and the only exception to that would be occasional Mass) <---- this is no exaggeration; moving him against his will would have such a toll on him he would decline so rapidly, and be so devastated, that the trade-off isn't worth it. We'll do whatever is necessary to ensure he has adequate medical attention in his home, with me there with him, or with him here at our home (with necessary medical).

 

It's our understanding that this hospice provider will provide in-home care, through the end. 

 

DH has medical over his Dad, on some level. Dad will not take anything stronger than tylenol, but the doctor is more than willing to give him anything he will agree to take. 

Edited December 10, 2015 by AimeeM

[Scarlett]

I am so sorry.

[Liz CA]

He will not move to a hospice facility. He has some sort of hospice already set up at home (DH took care of that with the social worker who called him after Dad's last blood work-up). The compromise Dad and DH reached is that when the time comes that he needs 24/7 care, either me and the children will come stay with him, or he will come here. Dad has not left his house, other than to cross the street to his music shop, in over 30 years (and the only exception to that would be occasional Mass) <---- this is no exaggeration; moving him against his will would have such a toll on him he would decline so rapidly, and be so devastated, that the trade-off isn't worth it. We'll do whatever is necessary to ensure he has adequate medical attention in his home, with me there with him, or with him here at our home (with necessary medical).

 

It's our understanding that this hospice provider will provide in-home care, through the end. 

 

DH has medical over his Dad, on some level. Dad will not take anything stronger than tylenol, but the doctor is more than willing to give him anything he will agree to take. 

 

Aimee, I am wondering about your plan to take care of your FIL at his home or yours when he will need 24/7 care.

I am saying this from some experience as I have taken care of our aunt in her last days...but she was 5'2" and weighed about 100lbs...I knew that I could hold her even if she fell.

My sil is this very moment taking care of her dh who has advanced glioblastoma which is affecting motor function. There is no way she could help him even out of his chair on onto the toilet, bed, etc. They have full time care right now at astronomical fees plus home hospice.

These kind of considerations are important. Will you be able to administer meds? Will you be able to tend to him if he is nauseous, loses bladder and bowel control with your young children around who will also require your attention and won't be able to fully understand what is going on?

I am not writing this to add to your panic, just to prepare you to make a few alternate plans - you know, if Plan A does not work, here is Plan B all thought out and ready to be implemented.

 

This is a difficult time. Make use of community resources as available, his friends, other agencies. Bring people together for help. No one or two people can do this on their own.

 

[barnwife]

I have nothing to add, other than I am so sorry you and your family are dealing with this.

[El...]

:grouphug:

[SparklyUnicorn]

This is so difficult.  I'm sorry.

 

 

[AimeeM]

Dad is under 5' and well below 100 at this point, so I'm pretty confident that I could pick him up if necessary.

However, I would only be there to provide emotional support and anything that he wasn't comfortable with the nurse handling.

Hospice will provide a nurse in-home, his students are more than happy - and eager - to help in any way they can. If he comes to our home, DH will be here to help, and we will hire a nurse. 

Aimee, I am wondering about your plan to take care of your FIL at his home or yours when he will need 24/7 care.

I am saying this from some experience as I have taken care of our aunt in her last days...but she was 5'2" and weighed about 100lbs...I knew that I could hold her even if she fell.

My sil is this very moment taking care of her dh who has advanced glioblastoma which is affecting motor function. There is no way she could help him even out of his chair on onto the toilet, bed, etc. They have full time care right now at astronomical fees plus home hospice.

These kind of considerations are important. Will you be able to administer meds? Will you be able to tend to him if he is nauseous, loses bladder and bowel control with your young children around who will also require your attention and won't be able to fully understand what is going on?

I am not writing this to add to your panic, just to prepare you to make a few alternate plans - you know, if Plan A does not work, here is Plan B all thought out and ready to be implemented.

 

This is a difficult time. Make use of community resources as available, his friends, other agencies. Bring people together for help. No one or two people can do this on their own.
 

 

[happi duck]

(Hugs)

[Reefgazer]

I'm sorry about your FIL's prognosis.  Do go for Christmas; I don't think you or your DH will regret going, and I'm sure FIL will appreciate and enjoy your company.

FIL's physician's assistant called DH today. After some routine x-rays, they are fairly certain that the cancer has spread to his bones, which is why he's in so much pain.

We knew it was probable, but it was a guess based on bloodwork.. but today the doctor gave DH a timeline along with the x-ray results. 

6-12 months. 

 

I've never seen my husband like this. 

 

And now is the time to confess, only to y'all, that I'm terrified. Nobody close to me has ever died. My maternal grandparents (the only I ever knew) are still alive, as are my parents, my aunts and uncles, my cousins.

I love FIL so much. I just want to be there for DH, but I feel totally and completely out of my league. Like I'm going to do something wrong, or say something wrong, or not be strong enough for him and the children when it's something I'll be experiencing for the first time. 

 

I'm trying to convince DH to go to his Dad's for Christmas. We were going to stay home this holiday, and we have family/friends flying in, but I really, really, really feel like DH needs this possibly last Christmas with his Dad - and the time alone with his Dad. They never have time to do the things they want to do... like hang out at Dad's music shop and just play their accordions, or go through DH's mom's things, look through old pictures, etc, because they are so busy spending time with the children.

 

[Aiden]

I'm so sorry :grouphug:

[TammyS]

I kind of don't want to take the children up there for Christmas. FIL has confessed to me before that he sincerely does not want the children to see him in this much pain, unable to build block towers with them, teach them any more music (and the other things, like being unable to make it to the bathroom on time, sometimes). It's one reason he doesn't want to move here (in with us).

I do not want him to feel discomforted, first and foremost. I understand his desire to have the children remember him with fondness. This past visit (over Thanksgiving) the poor man spent more time apologizing for various related things (that he had no need to apologize for!) than he did anything else.

 

I want DH to go for Christmas. He is already planning on flying up every month for a four day weekend, but Christmases are special - in previous years we've always spent Christmas with him. 

 

Honestly, I would talk to FIL and DH and take the children.  This is the time that you get to teach your children (and demonstrate to your FIL) that we still value people when they are: not fun, not doing things that entertain, unable to control their bladder/bowels, falling apart, unpleasant when they are in pain, etc.  You get to teach this to your children and you get to demonstrate to your FIL that he is still valued, through it all.

[Halftime Hope]

Much to Dad's chagrin, my husband has long since set him up with every gadget imaginable, including (but not limited to) everything needed for him to Skype with me and the children :)

We try to Skype at least weekly. I was actually just looking into how to record the Skype sessions that take place on my Mac. There are stories I would like to record FIL telling, for the children and for DH.

 

I was up visiting Dad just before Thanksgiving and did the same thing, recording him on my phone.  My Dad, too, is on hospice with very advanced prostate cancer which has spread to the bone is multiple locations.  Miraculously, he is not in pain.  I don't understand how that can be, but I am deeply grateful. 

 

I have nothing, not even a phone message, with my mom's voice on it.  :crying:  She was doing well, and took a sudden turn for the worse, and in all that drama, I lost the voicemails she had left me. 

 

I'm glad you are planning to record him.  :001_wub:

 

 

ETA:  not meaning to butt in on your thread, just affirming what you have planned and how important it is.

Edited December 10, 2015 by Halftime Hope

[dirty ethel rackham]

:grouphug:

I am so sorry you all are going through this.  I do encourage you to take the time to spend with him while you can.  But be aware that you will need to respect the need for rest and quiet.  In-home hospice can be such a blessing, but you do have to be very clear from the beginning what you need and how you will get more service later. 

 

My df, M, who died last April, had in-home hospice.  We did a sign-up genius thing online for people who wanted to help and to sit with her so that her son could get some respite from taking care of her and get her affairs in order.  Hospice was not there full-time until the end.  It would have been helpful for them to have left instructions on how to more easily turn her and adjust her position in the bed.  Fortunately, her nursing friends did instruct us after some hopeless fumbling by her well-meaning friends.

[Arcadia]

My maternal grandpa passed away when I was 11 from old age complications. He kind of say what he wanted to say to all the grandkids when he kind of knew his time was up.

My brother was 3 at that time but he remembered grandpa being sick and he rather have those memories. When he was born, only maternal grandpa was still living.

I have no memories of my maternal grandma who died when I was a toddler. My relatives say my personality resembles her.

 

I'll ask yout kids if they want to go. Closure is hard either way.

[G5052]

I'm so sorry.  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

We've lost all of our parents, and I'm the "go to" person on my side for eldercare, burial, and estate issues, so I know how it is. Honestly, it never goes away completely, although it gets better.

 

I had to pull out the death certificates this morning to make several phone calls related to the estates, and it still is hard years and months later to see that reminder that they're gone.

 

Always go if you can. You can't predict death.