College kids living at home- how's that work out?

[Hilltopmom]

Just wondering if you have a college child living at home & going to school locally. How's it working out? Do your kids study at the library or at home?

Are they participating in "college life": clubs, parties, on campus events?

 

Obviously, the house rules about curfews & what not would be different for a 18/19 yr old in college than the younger siblings.

 

Our oldest is in grade 10 & probably wants to go away for school, but financially may wind up having to start locally at our state school & transfer to an engineering program later (has a 3-2 program), unless he gets a killer scholarship somewhere.

 

We have a full house (5 kids, small house, everyone but the oldest share bedrooms) & studying with toddlers around kinda sucks.

 

My parents live local too in a huge empty house & travel a lot, so there's also the possibility of him living at their house to watch it while they're gone & have some space to himself (his own room & study area).

 

I had the typical school away party experience & loved it, but now see the financial value of not paying for room & board. He's not a partier (at least not yet) in fact I could see him just staying in his room playing video games at night, & joining the physics club.. Who knows. He has a long way to go, maturity wise, but is only 15.5 still anyways.

 

Just trying to visualize what living at home in college "looks like" from those who have btdt.

Thanks

Edited December 9, 2015 by Hilltopmom

[cbollin]

I have the story of how it didn't work well for us. You'll read this and shake your head at how screwed up we are.  I know I'm shaking my head as I write it.

 

Oldest was commuter student first semester freshman year of college.  She really felt like it was the financially right thing to do and wanted to live here.  what was that girl thinking?

 

First problem to solve was car pooling.  In theory it would have worked for her to take dad to his job and get back to campus.  In practice it was a disaster with the morning traffic.  She had too much anxiety about transitioning to college life as it was and it was just too much to drop him off, get to campus, deal with parking and make it to 8 am class on time.   I promise the whole thing looked great on paper about car pooling!!!    Oh?  why couldn't dh drop her off at school???  Because she needed to carry all of her stuff all day if she didn't have a car to take things to.   When you have 4 classes on some days, you know..  it's a lot to haul around campus.  There were no lockers for commuter students. (it helps to know she is not even 5 foot tall.. so lugging stuff was a burden)

 

So we got another car which my dh wanted a newer car for the last few years anyway, so he was happy. She was happy.  my checkbook hates me.

 

Then, came the reality that she was on campus all day... and very active in campus life and not getting home until midnight.  really?  then have to get sleep and be up and out of the house for morning traffic commute...  toss in a little adhd and high intensity personality, and we couldn't start our homeschool day until she was out of the house.

 

Weekends..  ugh...  she needed to study.  The rest of us were done with our homeschool work.  So it wasn't working out at all for us.  

 

She put herself on wait list for dorm for second semester.   Financially it is a major crunch.  But in the end, it was a good decision.    This year she's in dorms all year.

 

money is running out, so we really do need to figure out a way to have her commute for jr and sr year and not deal with the same stuff as it was that first semester when college was all new to her.  

but she is very actively involved in stuff on campus and even her friends who commute sometimes are on campus until 8 or 9 pm. 

 

I really wish I had this great story to share of how wonderful it was to save money and have her at home.  But I don't.  I have the opposite story.

[cbollin]

and ps...  she is mostly hanging out with physics types and playing lots of role playing games.   She's engineering/computer science major.  LOL.  So, yeah, even the nerds find the other nerds on campus and hang out.   Oh my..  last month at the local comic convention, she was (in her words) the nerd who was the nerd of the nerds!   she wasn't even cool at comic con?  LOL. 

 

didn't want you to think that she is some socialite or something like that.

[quark]

Thank you for asking this question. I was just about to start a thread about commuter students.

[Hilltopmom]

Yeah.. The more I think about it, the less I think it will work out well. I just hate to need loans for living expenses.

 

The baby will be 3 then, the toddler 5, plus the older ones. Having him need to study & coming home late, um,,that seems rough.

He's DE next year at the CC, so we'll see how that goes. I guess he will need a car to commute eventually. (There should totally be lockers for commuters! My college had a commuter lounge with lockers, bathrooms, a kitchen & study area)

 

My parents house could work better, although maybe living with your grandparents is lame. But they are rather young & active, he often bikes, kayaks, hikes with them now.

[G5052]

It's working well for us. The school is fifteen minutes away, and we share a vehicle. We were able to work out his schedule and mine so we keep things going. He keeps the van's gas tank full and sometimes runs errands for me before/after his classes. My younger one is in high school still, and they study side-by-side in the dining room. No toddlers here. Going into finals next week, he has straight A's and is happy with his classes and major. He was already involved with various community activities and has just continued that.

 

He really hasn't found a lot socially there, but is involved in one service club.

 

The hitch for us was an injury followed by surgery and PT that will take many months. Thankfully he didn't miss a beat academically, but it has been tough to juggle everything. He had to shelve a part-time job for a time. I'm not sure if they'll be able to bring him back on at some point, but we'll see. Although he's been able to juggle it himself, I'm glad he's been home for the emotional support.

 

In three semesters, we'll have to rethink because the 4-year is an hour or more away in heavy traffic. There are carpools and bus service not too far away, or we have multiple contacts where he could rent a room and come home on weekends if he wanted. We'll see.

[cbollin]

. (There should totally be lockers for commuters! My college had a commuter lounge with lockers, bathrooms, a kitchen & study area)

 

 

 

The building that housed commuter lockers was and still is under major renovation.  It was a shock to us after all of the tours in the spring where they showed us the lockers..   So like all of the others, they used the trunks of their cars.   This year the commuters have to deal with other renovations and construction and park nearly a mile away and take the shuttle to what used to be the commuter parking lot.   

 

expect the unexpected, huh?

 

 

you know... living with grandparents might not be that bad for him..   Wish we had an option like that. :)

[bugs]

My daughter Could potentially carpool commute - it's about 45 min with no traffic, but would more often be 1 - 1.5 hrs on a normal morning and evening.  But, honestly, for me I don't think I could handle them at this stage living at home and going to school.  They are super kids, but my son especially is not very (at all!) neat.  I would want more help around the house than they would have time for, then I'd get annoyed with them for not having the time.  I hate having glaring evidence of my selfish nature staring at me everyday. :laugh:

 

Edited to change word to commute.

Edited December 10, 2015 by bugs

[The Girls' Mom]

My dd is a commuter.  It is working just fine.  

 

We live 20 minutes from school.  She works part-time as well as attending school full time.  She manages to study, have a boyfriend, work, and still be fine.  She doesn't have to worry about late night parties, and she still loves her bedroom for study.  She participates in as much or as little of the extras at school as she likes.  She studies both at home and at school.  Sometimes she hangs out with friends to study.

We don't have a set curfew, but she's never been one to stay out late.  Her dad has asked her to be home by 11PM on Saturday nights because we get up early for church, and our dog wakes up the whole house if she comes in late.  Other than that, she comes and goes as she pleases.  However, she's courteous and lets us know where she is.  

ETA:  I have lightened up a LOT on what chores I ask her to do.  She has to do her own laundry, keep her room below FEMA levels, and occasionally help with dishes or dinner.

Edited December 9, 2015 by The Girls' Mom

[Lori D.]

I think this will vary so very much depending on the student, the family, and the specific housing and college situation. :)

 

It worked well for us. Both DSs went from homeschool high school graduation to full time at the local community college to save 2 years of 4-year university costs. The campus was across town, so DSs took the city bus, with purchased bus passes (so they didn't need dollar bills and coins every day). If I drove them 8 minutes away to a farther bus stop, the trip was 50 minutes one way; otherwise they had to take 2 buses and walk a mile, which made one way take more like 80 minutes. No extra vehicle for anyone, and DSs didn't have the cash from working to buy a car, so they just took it in stride and did what they had to and lived with it! :) Most of the time I was able to drop off/pick up at the farther bus stop, which was really nice conversation time, getting to hear their thoughts or hear how their day went. I'm actually glad we had that special time. :)

 

For studying, they had the bus ride, hours between classes in quiet nooks and spots all around campus, and at home. We have no young ones, and DH and I are quiet people. They each have a laptop which they tucked into the backpack, and we all share one printer at home. They carried everything they needed for the day (books, notebooks/supplies, laptop, lunch) in their backpacks. No on-campus lockers or storage for students; also no dorms (since it's a community college).

 

They maintained friendships with their friends from church and homeschooling, and online gaming friendships. But if they had wanted socializing, the community college has intramural sports, various clubs, service organizations, cultural groups, honors groups, religious groups, etc. Whenever DSs were going to be out late (i.e., past midnight), they just called to let us know that -- they've actually been far better at remembering to call then *I* am, if I get held up and will be home much later than I said…  :blushing:

 

They did their own laundry, and just let me know earlier in the day if I should plan on them for meals or not -- or they would call if they changed plans. DSs have their own rooms, so we just close the doors if their rooms started to look like a wreck. ;)

 

Since both of them did dual enrollment at the CC in their senior year, it really didn't feel like a transition at all, and I really can't think of anything that was problematic.

 

Currently, DS#1 is living on campus of the 4-year university several hours away to finish his Bachelor's; he's a quiet introvert, so, while he's enjoying making new friends at college, he really starts missing home about halfway through the semester. Meanwhile, DS#2 has set college aside while he tries to figure out what he wants to do, and is just working almost full time hours with a company he's considering moving up with into management.

 

Neither DS is a partier, and I can't imagine DH and I would ever pay for DSs to live in a dorm or apartment just so they could have the "party experience"…  :eek:  As my mom used to say "I'll pay for the necessities and some fun things; outrageous things come out of YOUR money." :laugh:  So if DSs wanted THAT type of experience, then the burden would be on them to fund it...

 

BEST of luck in finding what works for your family! :)

Edited December 10, 2015 by Lori D.

[Lori D.]

Because she needed to carry all of her stuff all day if she didn't have a car to take things to.   When you have 4 classes on some days, you know..  it's a lot to haul around campus.  There were no lockers for commuter students. (it helps to know she is not even 5 foot tall.. so lugging stuff was a burden)

 

Christmas gift idea: sturdy, smooth-rolling wheeled backpack!  :w00t:

 

 

She put herself on wait list for dorm for second semester.   Financially it is a major crunch.  But in the end, it was a good decision.    This year she's in dorms all year.

 

money is running out, so we really do need to figure out a way to have her commute for jr and sr year ...

 

I've often wondered if it might work out financially to take the money that would be spent on student housing, buy a second house about 10-15 minutes from campus as a rental property with those funds, let your student live there and be the "caretaker", and get 2-3 other students in to rent bedrooms to pay for most of the house payment and utilities… And then resell when the student graduates from college.

Edited December 10, 2015 by Lori D.

[Gwen in VA]

Dd lived at home last year while attending a college about 1.5 miles away from our house.

 

1) This is NOT a commuter college. Out of ~1000 freshmen, dd was one of only SIX to not live in the dorms. Dorm life is the norm.

 

2) Dd was heavily involved in the music scene both on and off the college campus. This meant that she really would not have had time for the socializing that dorm life involves -- but it also meant that she had little social life outside of music.

 

3) Dd has her own car. Thankfully she also had a parking spot that was technically off-campus but closer to her academic buildings than the campus lot -- the campus lot fills before 9:00 a.m. Commuting wasn't a problem, but given the difficulty of parking, she was VERY thankful that she had a way of reliable way of dumping her car each day!

 

4) Socializing was much MUCH harder than it would have been if she had lived in the dorms. She is quite social, but not being around all the time limited her involvement with people.

 

5) We expected almost no help from her around the house, and we didn't require her to let us know if she would be home or not for a meal (leftoevers rock!), but it was still hard on dh and me to have her bopping in and out on a random schedule.

 

Dd transferred (for reasons not involving social life at all), but if she had stayed she would have tried to move on campus.

 

 

[elegantlion]

It's working out well in our house but our situation is a little different. We're 30 minutes from school and both of us are students there. We carpool together. He studies mostly at home and if he needs to stay for something, I just hang out on campus and do my own studying. In our case, he didn't want to live on campus nor could we afford it. 

 

Because I am also a single parent and he is an only child, we have a roommate type relationship. We split chores and cooking, I take care of household bills and he pays some of his own. Homework takes priority over most things except urgent chores like yard mowing and taking out the trash. He will mostly likely transfer in another year or two, so this is helping not incur loan debt. 

[G5052]

I've often wondered if it might work out financially to take the money that would be spent on student housing, buy a second house about 10-15 minutes from campus as a rental property with those funds, let your student live there and be the "caretaker", and get 2-3 other students in to rent bedrooms to pay for most of the house payment and utilities… And then resell when the student graduates from college.

 

 

Friends of mine who were already in real estate did this because they had two kids close together that planned the same school. They worked the tax issues in their favor and made a profit when they sold it. But it was a hot market there, and they picked well!

[Hilltopmom]

I'm still campaigning to dh to build an addition with an inlaw apartment, but wow, building on is expensive. Sure would help our space issues though.

 

We're only 15 min from campus in a rural area, no traffic here:)

Edited December 10, 2015 by Hilltopmom

[J-rap]

I've never understood this, but my kids never liked living in dorms.  They did everything they could to not live in them.  I loved living in a dorm!

 

We don't live near a college, so that wouldn't have worked anyway.  But when my kids were able, they chose to live with a relative instead of the dorm (we have many colleges in our state's main metro area, and most of our relatives live there too).  The last daughter to do this lived with an aunt and uncle, who also had a daughter and a toddler living at home.  My daughter was really completely on her own schedule, though she did try and have dinner with them in the evenings when it worked out.  She sometimes holed herself up in her room there to study, though I know it wasn't always easy with the toddler.  There were several coffeeshops nearby, and sometimes she would go there and study, and other times she'd stay at the school library and study. 

 

If she were coming home very late, or sometimes not at all (when staying at a friend's or her grandparents' home, who lived in another part of the metro area!), she would send them a text and let them know.  She took one evening a week to make dinner for everyone, and she also helped with general house-cleaning chores on weekends. 

 

She really preferred that arrangement to living on campus!  Oh -- also, she did have her own car, and lived about 10 minutes away from campus.

Edited December 10, 2015 by J-rap

[cbollin]

 

 

 

 

 

I've often wondered if it might work out financially to take the money that would be spent on student housing, buy a second house about 10-15 minutes from campus as a rental property with those funds, let your student live there and be the "caretaker", and get 2-3 other students in to rent bedrooms to pay for most of the house payment and utilities… And then resell when the student graduates from college.

 

 

 

When I lived in a "college town", that was viable for many people.  Townhouses were available like that and often done as rentals.  Or even some older homes near campus.  It was easy turn over to sell to the next person doing same thing.    Of course it had to be for the sophomore or later year as freshman were required to be on campus.  But yeah at that place, in that city..  you could spend housing semester on downpayment and make it work.  assuming you had good renters with your own kids' friends.  But yeah.. .it was done frequently in the college town.

 

however, the major metro area I currently live in?  uh. no it would NOT be financially working out in the area around campus.    I'm not in a cute little college town in midwest anymore.  One semester's housing at this specific college isn't going to be down payment to get a safe area or nice house or multi bedroom townhouse.     oh no.  uh no.

 

 

edit here

ps:  our city buses were not a viable option either.  It would have taken 10-15 minutes to drive her to a bus stop that even had a connection to get close to campus.  and then it would have taken an hour past that to make connections.  but 22 minutes door to door driving.    We don't have quality public transportation in this area. (and she did have a backpack for her stuff. )

 

 

Edited December 10, 2015 by cbollin

[Tenaj]

Both of my oldest have lived at home, on and off, during their college careers.  After their freshman years, it was fine and honestly, most of the problem was probably my expectations that life would be about the same as before college - LOL!  

 

I do think that it would be essential for the college student to have their own room.  That was our situation, and with younger kids around, I'm not sure how it would have worked if they could not go their rooms and shut the door in order to complete their work.  I did have to squelch my youngers about interrupting them sometimes but it soon became the norm.

 

We never really required any chores of the college students but both of them were very willing to pitch in whenever they could so it never became an issue.  I always did their laundry just because it's easier for me to throw it in with ours rather than make sure the washer and dryer were empty for someone else to use.

 

Probably the hardest thing was dealing with the natural tension that happened during freshmen year when everything was new and they were both stressed out and during finals and such when big assignments were do.  I learned to just ignore them during those times until specifically requested to help.

 

For a while, my dd didn't have a car and just commuted with my dh who works on the same campus but even that became a problem eventually.  The education department has a lot of late classes and group meetings were in the evening.  She was able to purchase a car at the beginning of her sophmore year and that was a great relief and gave her more freedom to come and go.

 

My ds lived in an apartment in the college town for one year but then moved back home for a year to save money for marriage.  He was never here . . . also at school or at his fiancee's house.  My dd lived in the dorm for a semester last year and is in the dorm now but I think she's moving back home this week for the next semester.  Last year she had a dorm room to herself but this year's roommate has been . . .ummm . . . interesting . . . (but that's another story).  I'm hoping it works out well but I'm sure there will be some adjustment again.

 

 

[Lolly]

My first commuted for two years from home. One dd currently is. Ds is right now also. It works well for us. They have each had a vehicle of their own for transportation. They have no curfew. I do not keep up with them. They can eat with us if they want, or do their own thing. I do not police them at all. I treat them as adults. Though I do admit that occasionally I have been known to clean ds's room and do his laundry. They have their own rooms. They have their own televisions. We haven't seen any problems with it.Well, other than thinking we were going to have to have the dog put down right before finals this year and having them worried about that. The two away dc we just didn't tell until things were at a probably okay point. We would not have told them until finals were over if she hadn't pulled through.

 

adding: commute time is only 15 minutes! probably less...

Edited December 11, 2015 by Lolly

[FaithManor]

It has been fine for us. Ds is very busy on campus (he has a one hour drive each way) and become quite connected. He has a niche group of like minded friends who are very driven which I think has been a great influence on him. He isn't around much for meals but appreciates home cooked on Saturday and Sunday evenings. He spends a lot of time studying when he is here, but otherwise he is so busy he isn't in the midst of what we are doing. He does have his own transportation so it helps that we do not have any juggling of that to do.

[Mom22ns]

I've often wondered if it might work out financially to take the money that would be spent on student housing, buy a second house about 10-15 minutes from campus as a rental property with those funds, let your student live there and be the "caretaker", and get 2-3 other students in to rent bedrooms to pay for most of the house payment and utilities… And then resell when the student graduates from college.

 

 

Dh's Aunt and Uncle did this for their kids. They had 3 who all went to the same local State U. There was about 5 years from oldest to youngest, and the oldest actually spent 6 years on her degree, so I think there was always at least 2 kids living there. I have no idea how they came out on it, but I've never heard them lament the decision and I got the impression the kids liked it.

[Hilltopmom]

Have you seen Granny Pods or those tiny homes? If I had the space, I think that would be a great option for giving college age kids some space and privacy.

 

I was a commuter student and loved it. The college was 20 minutes away. I had my own car. Many of my high school friends were also commuter students attending that college, so I didn't feel isolated.

 

I had friends whose parents built additions in the garage. I had a friend whose parents bought a condo because it was cheaper in the long run and they knew they would make a profit when selling it.

 

I think a room at the grandparents is a great option.

My neighbor actually teaches workshops in building tiny homes & would help us build it:). That's a pretty good idea!

Our next oldest after him may need supports living on her own as a young adult & would give her space too eventually.....hmmm. We definately have the land & no zoning laws here in the country

[Heather in VA]

My daughter is considering this for one of the schools she's looking at but I'm against it. Her commute would be difficult because the traffic in this area is horrendous. But more than that, I want her to go and have the college experience. She's a serious introvert and I think being a commuter student would allow her to opt out of having to participate in social situations or make friends. She is considering the school because of a program they offer but I think she is weighing it more heavily because she could live at home. I told her if she goes there I want her in the dorm. She isn't afraid to leave home at all. She just wants to live alone. I think she needs to experience the college living.

[Upward Journey]

I have the story of how it didn't work well for us. You'll read this and shake your head at how screwed up we are.  I know I'm shaking my head as I write it.

 

Oldest was commuter student first semester freshman year of college.  She really felt like it was the financially right thing to do and wanted to live here.  what was that girl thinking?

 

First problem to solve was car pooling.  In theory it would have worked for her to take dad to his job and get back to campus.  In practice it was a disaster with the morning traffic.  She had too much anxiety about transitioning to college life as it was and it was just too much to drop him off, get to campus, deal with parking and make it to 8 am class on time.   I promise the whole thing looked great on paper about car pooling!!!    Oh?  why couldn't dh drop her off at school???  Because she needed to carry all of her stuff all day if she didn't have a car to take things to.   When you have 4 classes on some days, you know..  it's a lot to haul around campus.  There were no lockers for commuter students. (it helps to know she is not even 5 foot tall.. so lugging stuff was a burden)

 

So we got another car which my dh wanted a newer car for the last few years anyway, so he was happy. She was happy.  my checkbook hates me.

 

Then, came the reality that she was on campus all day... and very active in campus life and not getting home until midnight.  really?  then have to get sleep and be up and out of the house for morning traffic commute...  toss in a little adhd and high intensity personality, and we couldn't start our homeschool day until she was out of the house.

 

Weekends..  ugh...  she needed to study.  The rest of us were done with our homeschool work.  So it wasn't working out at all for us.  

 

She put herself on wait list for dorm for second semester.   Financially it is a major crunch.  But in the end, it was a good decision.    This year she's in dorms all year.

 

money is running out, so we really do need to figure out a way to have her commute for jr and sr year and not deal with the same stuff as it was that first semester when college was all new to her.  

but she is very actively involved in stuff on campus and even her friends who commute sometimes are on campus until 8 or 9 pm. 

 

I really wish I had this great story to share of how wonderful it was to save money and have her at home.  But I don't.  I have the opposite story.

 

Haven't read through the whole thread yet.

 

We're having some of the same issues, esp. the bolded, but being on campus just isn't an option, because money.

 

Thankfully transportation isn't a problem because we live in a major city with an excellent bus/subway system, but everything else, yes  :tongue_smilie:

[Kalypso]

My dd is a commuter.  It is working just fine.  

 

We live 20 minutes from school.  She works part-time as well as attending school full time.  She manages to study, have a boyfriend, work, and still be fine.  She doesn't have to worry about late night parties, and she still loves her bedroom for study.  She participates in as much or as little of the extras at school as she likes.  She studies both at home and at school.  Sometimes she hangs out with friends to study.

 

We don't have a set curfew, but she's never been one to stay out late.  Her dad has asked her to be home by 11PM on Saturday nights because we get up early for church, and our dog wakes up the whole house if she comes in late.  Other than that, she comes and goes as she pleases.  However, she's courteous and lets us know where she is.  

 

ETA:  I have lightened up a LOT on what chores I ask her to do.  She has to do her own laundry, keep her room below FEMA levels, and occasionally help with dishes or dinner.

 

I have 2 dds commuting, and mostly our situation has worked like The Girls' Mom's situation. They share a room like they always have. The each have their own cars and work a part-time job. They don't carpool because their schedules are always so different. I really don't see much of them. 

 

We have had some growing pains because of their wanting to stay out late and drive back down to campus. We've figured out a plan that works for all of us - for now. Both are focused on having no debt after they graduate, and my dh and I are willing to let them live here as long as they are respectful and help out when they are around.

[Pegasus]

 Most of the time I was able to drop off/pick up at the farther bus stop, which was really nice conversation time, getting to hear their thoughts or hear how their day went. I'm actually glad we had that special time. 

 

This is true for me as well.  I've really enjoyed having the time in the car with DD as I drop her off at her community college on my way to work each morning.  There's just something about being in a car together, without other distractions, to really catch up with one another.  The school is only 10 minutes away from us and doesn't have dorms, so all the students commute.

 

Things will be different when she transfers to a 4-year university.  One option is about 30 minutes away and DD will likely continue to commute for financial reasons.  The other option is 2 hours away and DD would have to move there.  This option will only be viable if she is offered a scholarship to help defray the extra cost.

[MerryAtHope]

It's working very well for us (and really, is the only way to make college doable for my kids without huge loans etc...) We're thankful to have a great CC that's 7 minutes away, very little traffic--easy to do. My son prefers to study at home. He didn't have an interest in any of the on campus groups but has gone to some events (and has thought about starting a group). He did join a college church group that meets for several hours once a week. They do Bible Studies, games in the gym, have a service project planned for next week etc... He really likes that, and also really likes his classes--I don't feel he's missing out on the college experience--it's just a different one than going away all 4 years. He will get some of that when he transfers after 2 years though. (For me it's kind of like prom--only a ton more expensive, LOL! They don't get that experience, or not all 4 years, but they get others instead that I didn't get.)

 

LOL about the video games--there has been some of that, but honestly I think it was less than in high school. He really didn't have time around his studies, once classes got going.

 

We haven't had to worry a lot about house rules/curfews here. Our town has a curfew for the 17 & under crowd (they can't drive after 10 on weeknights or 11 on weekends), so they're already used to not being out late, and really aren't party-ers anyway. Our main rule is to let someone know where you are going (shows respect for the people in your home) and to call if you are changing locations (again, shows respect). Oh, and go get gas if the gauge says 1/4 tank!!! Don't let it run out!!

 

No small ones here any more, and kids have their own rooms, so that part isn't an issue.

 

We kept the same chores, but with the understanding that they might not get done some weeks (or not everything) depending on the schedule. Things like garbage still have to get done :-).

 

Parents' home sounds like a good possibility if home is too chaotic. But honestly...I enjoy having my college son home, hearing about what he's learning, getting to see his world open up in so many new ways--it's exciting! I didn't get to share all that with my mom. After homeschooling all these years, it's nice to have some connection (though it still feels cut off comparatively!) And...it's nice to just be mom too :-).

[G5052]

Parents' home sounds like a good possibility if home is too chaotic. But honestly...I enjoy having my college son home, hearing about what he's learning, getting to see his world open up in so many new ways--it's exciting! I didn't get to share all that with my mom. After homeschooling all these years, it's nice to have some connection (though it still feels cut off comparatively!) And...it's nice to just be mom too :-).

 

This has been fun for me too. I like hearing about how he's adapted to different professors, and what he thinks of some of the other students who are very different than him. He did some dual enrollment and online courses, but he's experienced much more diversity and differing life choices than he got during homeschooling. He had some group projects and learned a lot about working with people both less and more motivated than he is.

 

Opinions differ, but I'm not a big one on the "college experience" for some kids. I think it's perfectly fine to live at home as long as you're involved in different activities and experiences.

Edited December 11, 2015 by G5052

[Lori D.]

My daughter is considering this for one of the schools she's looking at but I'm against it… I want her to go and have the college experience. She's a serious introvert and I think being a commuter student would allow her to opt out of having to participate in social situations or make friends. She is considering the school because of a program they offer but I think she is weighing it more heavily because she could live at home. I told her if she goes there I want her in the dorm. She isn't afraid to leave home at all. She just wants to live alone. I think she needs to experience the college living.

 

Meant gently and in all kindness :) :

 

Most introverts feel able to step into social situations -- *but only IF* they have the assurance they will have private, quiet space for the needed down-time and recovery afterwards in order to recharge after having their emotional and energy batteries drained by being with people.

 

Living on campus might actually prevent the very social interactions you may wish to encourage, if you mean participation in activities, joining groups, going to campus events, meeting friends, and voluntary informal socializing. An extreme introvert is having to expend a lot of emotional energy just being on campus and attending classes. Putting an extreme introvert into a living situation in which she "feels trapped" by constantly being with people with no escape (i.e., her own room or private quiet space), can create a tremendous amount of stress and depression for the introvert, and could backfire -- the introvert feels so stressed just by the required interactions of classes and meals and sharing living quarters, that the introvert retreats from any other social activities or from forming friendships -- no energy left in the emotional battery to do so.

 

(Aside: this does not mean there is anything "wrong" with an introvert or that they "have a problem" -- retreating is the introvert's very healthy response of doing what they need to do to recover in order to be able to spend time with people again. Depriving an introvert of this daily recovery time is just as damaging as isolating an extrovert from regular needed social interactions and time with people for their form of energizing. Or like depriving anyone from the amount of sleep they need for healthful normal functioning, and forcing them to function for days and weeks and months at a time chronically sleep deprived. Any of these situations takes a terrible toll on the emotional and mental well-being of a person.)

 

I'd say the ideal for an extreme introvert to have that balance would be living solo in some way, but with lots of opportunities to step into social interactions *as the introvert feels able*:

 

- living solo in a dorm room or dorm apartment with a private bedroom, but with a suite mate who also has her own bedroom, but they have a shared room together as part of the dorm room

- living nearby off campus in a house or apt. with other college students, but having her own private bedroom

- living at home with family with her own private space, but committed to involvement in a few regular weekly social activities

 

 

While every student's experiences and needs will be different, I just want to throw in why living on campus has been a success for our extreme introvert:

 

- he went into living on campus when he was older/more mature, and understood his needs and how to pace himself (DS is a transfer student -- local CC for the first years, and then transferred for the last 2 years of his degree)

- he has a room to himself as his retreat (first year, the roomie was virtually never there, this year, he was not assigned a roomie)

- DS has a super suite mate; the suite mate is the RA for the floor of the dorm, so he's used to looking out for other students, and he respects DS's introversion -- the RA suite mate regularly puts out the invitation to join in, but never pushes or forces, and is happy when DS participates, but also "gets it" if DS declines

- esp. this year, DS is voluntarily getting out there more (well, for HIM it is more, lol), as he's realizing he's graduating in the spring, and is wanting to make the most of his opportunities in the little time he has left

 

 

Living on campus *can* be a great experience for many students. But it's not going to connect for *all* students. And depending on the specific people and atmosphere at the campus, it can be a living h*ll for an introvert -- well, really for anyone if you have a horrific roommate! ;) Again, depending on the school and its environment, commuting may be a *fabulous* college experience for a student (introverted OR extroverted), allowing them to CHOOSE the best of the best of activities and involvement. :)

 

Colleges have changed a LOT since all of us parents attended, and we need to be careful to not project our own experiences (or desired experiences) on our students, but allow our young adults to make of it what they will so it will be *their* own experience. Again, JMO, so disregard if not of help or connecting for your family! :) Warmest regards, Lori D.

Edited December 11, 2015 by Lori D.

[Bluegoat]

Meant gently and in all kindness :) :

 

Most introverts feel able to step into social situations -- *but only IF* they have the assurance they will have private, quiet space for the needed down-time and recovery afterwards in order to recharge after having their emotional and energy batteries drained by being with people.

 

Living on campus might actually prevent the very social interactions you may wish to encourage, if you mean participation in activities, joining groups, going to campus events, meeting friends, and voluntary informal socializing. An extreme introvert is having to expend a lot of emotional energy just being on campus and attending classes. Putting an extreme introvert into a living situation in which she "feels trapped" by constantly being with people with no escape (i.e., her own room or private quiet space), can create a tremendous amount of stress and depression for the introvert, and could backfire -- the introvert feels so stressed just by the required interactions of classes and meals and sharing living quarters, that the introvert retreats from any other social activities or from forming friendships -- no energy left in the emotional battery to do so.

 

(Aside: this does not mean there is anything "wrong" with an introvert or that they "have a problem" -- retreating is the introvert's very healthy response of doing what they need to do to recover in order to be able to spend time with people again. Depriving an introvert of this daily recovery time is just as damaging as isolating an extrovert from regular needed social interactions and time with people for their form of energizing. Or like depriving anyone from the amount of sleep they need for healthful normal functioning, and forcing them to function for days and weeks and months at a time chronically sleep deprived. Any of these situations takes a terrible toll on the emotional and mental well-being of a person.)

 

I'd say the ideal for an extreme introvert to have that balance would be living solo in some way, but with lots of opportunities to step into social interactions *as the introvert feels able*:

 

- living solo in a dorm room or dorm apartment with a private bedroom, but with a suite mate who also has her own bedroom, but they have a shared room together as part of the dorm room

- living nearby off campus in a house or apt. with other college students, but having her own private bedroom

- living at home with family with her own private space, but committed to involvement in a few regular weekly social activities

 

 

While every student's experiences and needs will be different, I just want to throw in why living on campus has been a success for our extreme introvert:

 

- he went into living on campus when he was older/more mature, and understood his needs and how to pace himself (DS is a transfer student -- local CC for the first years, and then transferred for the last 2 years of his degree)

- he has a room to himself as his retreat (first year, the roomie was virtually never there, this year, he was not assigned a roomie)

- DS has a super suite mate; the suite mate is the RA for the floor of the dorm, so he's used to looking out for other students, and he respects DS's introversion -- the RA suite mate regularly puts out the invitation to join in, but never pushes or forces, and is happy when DS participates, but also "gets it" if DS declines

- esp. this year, DS is voluntarily getting out there more (well, for HIM it is more, lol), as he's realizing he's graduating in the spring, and is wanting to make the most of his opportunities in the little time he has left

 

 

Living on campus *can* be a great experience for many students. But it's not going to connect for *all* students. And depending on the specific people and atmosphere at the campus, it can be a living h*ll for an introvert -- well, really for anyone if you have a horrific roommate! ;) Again, depending on the school and its environment, commuting may be a *fabulous* college experience for a student (introverted OR extroverted), allowing them to CHOOSE the best of the best of activities and involvement. :)

 

Colleges have changed a LOT since all of us parents attended, and we need to be careful to not project our own experiences (or desired experiences) on our students, but allow our young adults to make of it what they will so it will be *their* own experience. Again, JMO, so disregard if not of help or connecting for your family! :) Warmest regards, Lori D.

 

I don't know.  I'm an extreme introvert, and I found that living on campus made a big difference to my ability to become socially integrated.  It takes me a long time to get to know people.  Having a guarantee of interacting with the same people every day is probably the surest way to have it happen - the people I lived in residence, or in off-campus housing with, are still some of my closest friends.

 

Living at home pretty much sucked.  If I had been bold enough to ask people I didn't know well for late night rides or to crash it might have been better, but it was just often much harder to stay around for events and such - finding a ride, finding two meals instead of one, only having public spaces to crash while I waited for whatever to go on.

[JanetC]

 only having public spaces to crash while I waited for whatever to go on.

 

This is something to check into on a college visit. Some schools have "commuter student lounges" specifically for commuters to have a space to meet each other, chill, have a snack, lockers to stash stuff, etc. On the other hand, at DD's CC, finding a quiet space to study between classes is hard -- tables and chairs outside of the classrooms are at a premium.

 

 

[Heather in VA]

I don't know.  I'm an extreme introvert, and I found that living on campus made a big difference to my ability to become socially integrated.  It takes me a long time to get to know people.  Having a guarantee of interacting with the same people every day is probably the surest way to have it happen - the people I lived in residence, or in off-campus housing with, are still some of my closest friends.

 

Living at home pretty much sucked.  If I had been bold enough to ask people I didn't know well for late night rides or to crash it might have been better, but it was just often much harder to stay around for events and such - finding a ride, finding two meals instead of one, only having public spaces to crash while I waited for whatever to go on.

 

This is how I think my daughter is as well. It takes her a long time to know people too. She would never ask someone for a place to crash, a ride, to eat lunch with her, to hang out and do something etc. If it happens organically because of time spent, then she's good. She's been a competitive gymnast since she was 6 so the large amount of time she spent with girls gave her the time to develop relationships and have a natural progression into time together outside of the gym. I think college would be similar. Living on campus would provide a similar environment to develop relationships without having to be bold about it. 

 

Lori D - I do appreciate your comments. It is something to consider and make sure she has the environment she needs. It's yet to be determined if this will even be an issue. She has several schools that would require her to live on campus as they are hours away so it might not even become a question but I will definitely keep your feedback in mind.

[BlsdMama]

Just wondering if you have a college child living at home & going to school locally. How's it working out? Do your kids study at the library or at home?

Are they participating in "college life": clubs, parties, on campus events?

 

Obviously, the house rules about curfews & what not would be different for a 18/19 yr old in college than the younger siblings.

 

Our oldest is in grade 10 & probably wants to go away for school, but financially may wind up having to start locally at our state school & transfer to an engineering program later (has a 3-2 program), unless he gets a killer scholarship somewhere.

 

We have a full house (5 kids, small house, everyone but the oldest share bedrooms) & studying with toddlers around kinda sucks.

 

My parents live local too in a huge empty house & travel a lot, so there's also the possibility of him living at their house to watch it while they're gone & have some space to himself (his own room & study area).

 

I had the typical school away party experience & loved it, but now see the financial value of not paying for room & board. He's not a partier (at least not yet) in fact I could see him just staying in his room playing video games at night, & joining the physics club.. Who knows. He has a long way to go, maturity wise, but is only 15.5 still anyways.

 

Just trying to visualize what living at home in college "looks like" from those who have btdt.

Thanks

 

 

I had an atypical experience in that I was already married and we lived in married student housing when I was in college. ;)  So I don't see a huge value in the college "experience," fwiw.  My husband spent his freshman year away at school, got the  (ahem) "full" experience, and spent the next couple of years retaking some of those courses, fwiw.  

 

Our oldest daughter commutes to and from school almost an hour each way.  She is carrying excess hours and is on honor roll.  She has found nooks and crannies on campus - large, state school so lots of little places to tuck yourself away, to study in between classes because you can't always schedule back to back classes conveniently. ;)  She does study at home.  In that way, nothing has changed since doing homeschooling.  She still studies in her room or sometimes out in the middle of the crazy.  We have lots of littles too and she shares her room with the 2yo curently.  Sharing with the 2yo is intentional because the toddler only sleeps at night in her room and never really bebops around in it.  

 

She's enjoyed living at home.  She often has me edit her papers or discuss a topic.

 

Now, I will say that she hasn't really INVESTED herself into the life of campus and in some ways I *do* think she's missing out.  But she also appreciates having a quiet place to be.  We've suggested maybe for her senior year that she'd like to live on campus but she says she's heard enough from friends and dorm life would really frustrate her.  She needs quiet sometimes and the ability to withdraw and she's afraid that campus life would overwhelm her ability to just get away from noise once in a while. (If you know our house this is truly hilarious.) 

 

But, also know, *you* are going to have some serious withdrawal.  I loved having her home and she just NEVER is.  Between church activities, friends, a certain special someone, school, studying, and work, we consider ourselves CRAZY blessed when she can sit down for a couple of hours on ONE evening in a blue moon and spend time with us.  

 

We've never discussed curfew because she just isn't much of a party girl.  Sometimes she works until midnight or so and then has to drive home.  That's fine.  We know where she is and she has a phone.  She isn't careless or clueless so she always lets us know if something is going to be a late night or has something going on and it's fine.  We just haven't really had any hiccups to that plan so far.  We've had to iron out household responsibilities because she just isn't home much.  For example, for a while I was so boggled by her schedule that I was doing her laundry.  That has come to an end because I'm just not that nice.  :P  ;)  But she doesn't do a lot around the house simply because her time is filled with good things and she does study a LOT and get good grades because of it.

 

Now.... DS has one more year of DE/comm. college before he starts the same scenario.  So he is taking 3 comm. college classes each semester, working, and juggling extra curricular activities but they DO have separate rules because he is *not* 19.  And that just is what it is and they may never have the exact same rules because they are just very different people with very different scenarios.  However, he is also planning on living at home for undergrad at least.  

 

For us, it's a HUGE money saver and really important.  They've each bought their own very inexpensive vehicle.  They pay their gas.  We go halvsies on insurance.  We cover all their other expenses for needs, etc. and DD covers much of her wants at this point. It's been a very slow evolution and this is her second year but it looks nothing like her freshman year.  We just all had to grow to learn this adult parenting thing.  It's been a big learning curve for all of us to respect boundaries!

[BlsdMama]

Also - on commuting and parking, check into the college you're looking at.  At her university there are specific commuter lots.  You do pay for the parking pass.  The campus buses come about every 10 minutes or so and there are phone apps that keep you informed as to where they are and specifically when they'll be there in case of inclement weather so you're not standing in rain or snow.  They are well lit and well patrolled.  

[MerryAtHope]

It's so funny how different things are important to each of us. My dh (extrovert) and I (introvert) both went to large universities. In his dorm, he had a drunk roommate, got pennied in his room, and had his bed thrown down a stairwell. He moved into an apartment situation as soon as possible and had a great time from then on.

 

At my school, they had more students register than they had room for in the dorms, so they didn't even require Freshmen to live there. I signed up for the dorms and was offered the opportunity to live in the lounge at the end of a hall, with 14-20 others in bunk beds with a locker under the bed, until rooms opened up (as kids dropped out over the course of the first semester). I said thanks but no thanks and lived in an apartment instead! The first year I lived a few miles away, walked to campus with my backpack full of books, hiked all over, found places to hang out or study if I wanted to wait for later events etc... I had friends that lived in the dorms, and absolutely nothing about it appealed to me. Neither dh nor I consider dorm-life an essential part of college life!  

[G5052]

Yes, I had mixed experiences in the dorms. My first school (selective, Christian liberal arts) had great dorms. I made friends there that I still keep in touch with and was completely comfortable. Then I decided to go STEM and also had to pay my own way, so I transferred to a small state STEM school. Arg! What a transition. It was quiet during the week and then crazy on the weekends. I ended up being an RA to help pay my way and then was the head RA with an on-campus apartment that I shared with a friend. It was good that I lived on campus because I didn't have a car most of the time and needed food service (too busy with school and working), but the environment grated on me. Think of having to go with campus security in the middle of the night to break up a big party and assess thousands of dollars of damage and then take an exam the next day. There were aspects that I loved (my friends, professors, and my boss), and aspects that I didn't love (the ugly part of my work, the hours).

 

A priority for us has always be the financial though, and I think that we're striking a good balance with starting them local. It's a very solid community college with scads of transfer agreements to selective schools. And the transition from homeschool has gone well. 

Edited December 12, 2015 by G5052

[Scarlett]

Ds15 is not going to be living in dorms for many reasons, including financial.

 

ATM though he thinks he isn't going to do any college. :) I think this school year is burning him out....it is very difficult. He thinks he can get a job and share a house in our small town with friends. I don't argue with him. I don't even care if he doesn't go to college straight out of high school.

 

Even if he decides to work he can stay here a while to get on his feet and figure out that he will need some training to make a living.

[Scarlett]

I think the whole college experience is just so weird anyway. I know most don't agree with me.....but I dont see how living on top of your age peers where often times a lot of partying is going on, prepares you for real life. A job. Paying bills.

 

Shrug. That is just as weird to me as it is to send my 5 year old off to be schooled by a stranger 30 hours a week.

[Heather in VA]

I think the whole college experience is just so weird anyway. I know most don't agree with me.....but I dont see how living on top of your age peers where often times a lot of partying is going on, prepares you for real life. A job. Paying bills.

 

Shrug. That is just as weird to me as it is to send my 5 year old off to be schooled by a stranger 30 hours a week.

 

Well my college student lives in a house with other girls her age. She pays her own rent, buys her own groceries, cooks her own food, deals with car maintenance, gets herself to class, gets herself to clinicals, gets herself to work, cleans her house, pays her utilities...... that sounds like real life to me. 

[Scarlett]

Well my college student lives in a house with other girls her age. She pays her own rent, buys her own groceries, cooks her own food, deals with car maintenance, gets herself to class, gets herself to clinicals, gets herself to work, cleans her house, pays her utilities...... that sounds like real life to me.

Not quite what I was thinking of....I was thinking of the whole dorm think.

 

As an aside is your college student supporting herself?

[Heather in VA]

Not quite what I was thinking of....I was thinking of the whole dorm think.

 

As an aside is your college student supporting herself?

 

Actually this is what most of the kids we know experience. They live in the dorm the first year and then move off campus which requires a lease, their own food etc. 

 

No - she isn't fully financially independent. She does pay for some things with her wages. We provide money for other things. She's responsible for making sure the bills get paid regardless of where the money comes from.

 

We pay the tuition directly. Between tracking her scholarships and money from college savings accounts it's easier to do that ourselves. 

[Bluegoat]

I had an atypical experience in that I was already married and we lived in married student housing when I was in college. ;)  So I don't see a huge value in the college "experience," fwiw.  My husband spent his freshman year away at school, got the  (ahem) "full" experience, and spent the next couple of years retaking some of those courses, fwiw.  ....

 

 

I think how important this is depends a lot on what is actually meant by "the college experience."  For some people it mostly seems to be a social thing, without much reference to their work.  I would say that is a less important consideration (though not wholly unimportant, a lot of kids are ready to become more independent at that age.)

 

At my university, I found the academic and social were pretty integrated.  One reason is that most first years were doing the same courses, and had an essay do from the same set of questions every second week.  The residences and meal hall over the weekend would be all involved in working, people discussing the questions and the texts being read.  Upper year students would often give advice, or suggest what the tutor you had might want.  In upper years I had quite a few evening classes that moved to the pub once the official class was over.

 

A lot of the social activity was also tangentially related - groups like the literary society, chapel choir, theatre, or madrigal society all were ways of experiencing the topics we studied.  THe pub might have a Star Wars trivia one night and a lecture on Palestrina another.

 

Missing out on that my first year made for a much less compelling learning experience.  Had I lived close enough off campus that would likely have bene much better, but I was about a half hour bus ride and the bus stopped at ten.  Combined with the complications of spending all day there, it was not great.

[Bluegoat]

This is something to check into on a college visit. Some schools have "commuter student lounges" specifically for commuters to have a space to meet each other, chill, have a snack, lockers to stash stuff, etc. On the other hand, at DD's CC, finding a quiet space to study between classes is hard -- tables and chairs outside of the classrooms are at a premium.

 

I will say my colledge did have this sort of thing - it was called the "day-student lounge."  And there were other common spaces in the library and residences that day students could use, and even a kitchen in the jr common room, and some little private areas as well.

 

The difficulty I found as an introverted person was more that I couldn't as easily change or have a shower, or a nap, or just be in a private space (even with a roommate.)

 

THat being said, I think going into significant debt for university is a bad idea.  But I think its a good idea to keep in mind what the likely trade-offs will be.

[elegantlion]

 

Missing out on that my first year made for a much less compelling learning experience.  Had I lived close enough off campus that would likely have bene much better, but I was about a half hour bus ride and the bus stopped at ten.  Combined with the complications of spending all day there, it was not great.

 

Not living close to campus is an issue for us. We're 30 highway minutes, about 40 miles from campus with very little in between. We may be in a position to move closer to campus soon and this would be helpful to ds and me. There really is so much going on at campus, we could stay late every night, but it's really hard to consider adding another hour drive home ($ and time wise) if we want to come back to town for something. If we were in town, where everything is 10-15 minutes from campus, it wouldn't be a big deal. 

 

If it were just ds, I wouldn't have issue with him staying late. For us, it's not vital enough to consider adding 10k per year to even consider a dorm. Not living close to school has been the only downside to him being at home.