gardenmom5 Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 EIther do the job properly or don't do it at all. Flip flopping is the hardest. :grouphug: and one day - his children will stop believing anything he says. (hopefully - it will be limited to him.) they'll also tell him to stay away becasue they don't want to deal with his flipflopping. or tell him to do what he wants - but they're making their own plans and aren't going to change them for him. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 I appreciate the sentiments. I think in the context of divorce, telling children their dad is mentally ill is inappropriate. I have explained that his sadness comes from inside and that parents love their kids even when the parents don't make sense. with my background, I have a *very* hard time with that. telling them about mental illness - and their brains are broken so they don't work right and it is out of their power is fine, and definitely appropriate in some cases. (but not all cases.) HOWEVER - I was constantly told by my mother - that my grandmother loved me (in her way). really? then why did she treat me like crap? the woman's games qualify as psychological abuse and I spent YEARS recovering from it. that is NOT love. being told over and over that she "loved me" - messed ME up. it was one more thing I had to heal to be able to have positive and loving relationships. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted April 4, 2015 Author Share Posted April 4, 2015 You know that is a good point Kristen. I should probably not talk about love or wrong or any of his intents at all. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiwik Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 How about 'your dad called and said he can't make it after all's then deal with the fallout and plan something else. It is hard - it has been 4 years since I heard of ds5 and ds8's dad but I think I have an easier time than those whose exes are involved except the really good ones. I just say their dad is doing what he believes is best even if we don't agree. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
idnib Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 No advice, just kudos to you for trying to your best for your dds even when it is so much harder for you - I so admire that!! Anne 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted April 4, 2015 Author Share Posted April 4, 2015 How about 'your dad called and said he can't make it after all's then deal with the fallout and plan something else. It is hard - it has been 4 years since I heard of ds5 and ds8's dad but I think I have an easier time than those whose exes are involved except the really good ones. I just say their dad is doing what he believes is best even if we don't agree. I like the--"Your dad is doing what he believes is best." Probably true for most people most of the time. Thanks. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trulycrabby Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 I am so sorry; that just stinks. My dad was very similar, and I can tell you that the stable, loving home you are providing them will mitigate the biological father's influence. I agree with the others who say he should either shape up or stay away. :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 How about 'your dad called and said he can't make it after all's then deal with the fallout and plan something else. It is hard - it has been 4 years since I heard of ds5 and ds8's dad but I think I have an easier time than those whose exes are involved except the really good ones. I just say their dad is doing what he believes is best even if we don't agree. May I suggest "what he is capable of". it allows there maybe something out of his control that is keeping him from being the father children deserve. and if he's just a complete narcisstic jerk (in which case, he will only do what he believes is best for himself) - well, it allows for that too. I just had the "I'm trying my best" speech a few too many times. yeah. 'cause being in an adulterous relationship is "trying your best". 'cause, continuing to be in an adulterous relationship even after your lover calls to say their spouse is on the way to your house (where your minor children are) WITH A GUN is "trying your best". no - that IS NOT "trying your best"! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted April 4, 2015 Author Share Posted April 4, 2015 May I suggest "what he is capable of". it allows there maybe something out of his control that is keeping him from being the father children deserve. and if he's just a complete narcisstic jerk (in which case, he will only do what he believes is best for himself) - well, it allows for that too. I just had the "I'm trying my best" speech a few too many times. yeah. 'cause being in an adulterous relationship is "trying your best". 'cause, continuing to be in an adulterous relationship even after your lover calls to say their spouse is on the way to your house (where your minor children are) WITH A GUN is "trying your best". no - that IS NOT "trying your best"! Well, what he thinks is best is different than what is actually best. "what he's capable of" may be even less true. Actually I believe he could do more but his beliefs about himself and the world around him prevent him from trying. I sincerely appreciate your sharing your experiences. It is helpful as my kids are very attuned to the words I use. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pen Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 I also have some trouble with the "what he thinks is best" language. Is there any way that you can express it that does not assume knowing what he thinks, that just expresses what is happening as a factual matter? "Your father told me he will not come to your birthday." Something like that? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 I would avoid trying to put a positive or negative spin on Dad's choices, motives, whatever. IMO it really isn't for anyone else to say what he feels or why he does what he does. At most I might say "I believe I would have made a different choice." (But only when the kids are old enough to understand that this is about him, not about them.) 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 What I told my ds in the days when his dad was making the worst choices is.....'I'm sorry son.' Kids aren't stupid. They know when a parent is behaving poorly. Now that ds is older (15) I talk to him about a lot of things that might have affected Xh's parenting choices. FOO, addiction, affairs, etc. My message is always, 'your dad does love you the best way he knows how even when his choices are wrong. Your aim is to have a better life, make better choices and keep your own future family out of this type situation.' Of course throw in a little crazy in the days when I could not think straight. Hopefully the good will balance out the bad for both XH and me. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 I emphasise words like choice. If he's disobliging dd in some way I will tell her he doesn't want to do whatever it is, that's his choice, and not really our business. This leaves dd the room to be annoyed about it if she wants to be, mildly hurt if she is, but she never takes any responsibility for it so that kind of hurt doesn't last long. Choices other people make are outside her control and she's ok with that. Ymmv, of course. I have a very pragmatic child. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 This is so hard. Maybe something around, "I don't know why. I don't understand either. All I know is what he said. It isn't any good to make guesses." -- in a comforting way, that expresses shared confusion. They say empathy is powerful, even with very young kids. Maybe you can be confused, let down, and put-out together, instead of having some answers/guesses for her. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DragonFaerie Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 I wonder if you couldn't say something like, "Your dad isn't going to make it this year after all. But he said he's going to try to come next year." It's true and doesn't really place any blame on anybody. If they ask why, you could evade a bit and just say, "Well, sometimes things just happen that way. But it'll be okay. We're going to do..... and it's going to be so much fun, and then......" and redirect. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted April 5, 2015 Author Share Posted April 5, 2015 Edit: Deleted for privacy. I wonder if you couldn't say something like, "Your dad isn't going to make it this year after all. But he said he's going to try to come next year." It's true and doesn't really place any blame on anybody. If they ask why, you could evade a bit and just say, "Well, sometimes things just happen that way. But it'll be okay. We're going to do..... and it's going to be so much fun, and then......" and redirect. The sentiment is good. They will ask why. They will. They are askers, thinkers, examiners, questioners, boundary pushers. They will not accept it. "It didn't happen to so and so's daddy. Why is it happening to me?" I'm looking for a pat answer that doesn't involve him or his motives, which I do not know fully, and which are beyond their comprehension. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted April 5, 2015 Share Posted April 5, 2015 Binip, I just want to say that I admire your strength and both the clarity and nuance of your appraisal of him. Too often people demonize their ex-spouses and drag their kids into it with one sided, inflammatory narratives. Or they way overshare with the kids, burdening them beyond their years. You are a good mom. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted April 5, 2015 Author Share Posted April 5, 2015 Well some people do have nice jobs and spend their spare cash on a BMW... my dad did... so credit where credit is due, lol. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted April 5, 2015 Share Posted April 5, 2015 I have 2 step-brothers I was raised with. Their mother is like this. It's still brutally hard for them and they're turning 50 in the next couple of years. So very sorry. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted April 5, 2015 Share Posted April 5, 2015 One thing we are so lucky with is to have one another. We can be the great family these kids need. This. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted April 5, 2015 Share Posted April 5, 2015 As the offspring of a rotten divorce situation, all I'd suggest is that as your kids grow up, you share the open truth with them without putting an emotional spin on it - much as you did in one of your last posts here. It's really helpful knowing the good and bad out of it all without any spin. Kids will end up making their own judgment and coming to terms with it. If your kids are young, then they aren't going to understand it all right now, but you could simplify it somewhat and blame the distance. "Daddy would like to come see you, but he lives _____ (pointing to a map or globe) and we live _______. It's not easy to get between the two." Can you Skype? Would he Skype? I wouldn't make promises he won't keep. I wouldn't make suggestions to them that he won't keep. A surprise to them would be better than a promise not kept. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted April 5, 2015 Share Posted April 5, 2015 But you taught your kids something really valuable: don't stay w/ an abuser. My mother did the exact opposite. She acted like, "oh, he's so awful" but he was the worst to me and she stayed and stayed. It wasn't until I was an adult that I realized that she was a big part of the problem and was allowing me to take the brunt of the abuse so that she'd be off the hook. So she'd blame me for this, that or the other. He'd unleash on me and then she'd be in the clear. But back to you: your kids have learned how much you love them by exiting the situation. I'd repeat that over and over. I loved you so much that I made this problem a once-in-a-while situation vs. an everyday occurrence. Alley 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted April 5, 2015 Share Posted April 5, 2015 Prick Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caclcoca Posted April 5, 2015 Share Posted April 5, 2015 I really appreciated the fact that my mother did not tell me a lot of negative things about my father when I was younger (she had plenty to tell). He was an absent parent for the most part. I figured most of the situation on my own. Binip I admire the job you are doing. I can't imagine how hard it is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted April 5, 2015 Share Posted April 5, 2015 Maybe the pat answer is, "I don't know." Do you have ways of talking about other unlucky, uncaused, troublesome things? Like, "Why do some people get cancer?" or "What causes traffic jams?" -- Some kind of child-friendly variation on, "Poop happens. Sometimes it's just bad luck, or bad timing, or problems that just don't have a reason why." I think maybe you are looking for an answer that will make it hurt less. Everyone wants their kids to hurt less. Perhaps instead you need an answer that focuses on acknowledging that it really does hurt exactly as much as it does, in fact, hurt. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 5, 2015 Share Posted April 5, 2015 Binip, I just want to say that I admire your strength and both the clarity and nuance of your appraisal of him. Too often people demonize their ex-spouses and drag their kids into it with one sided, inflammatory narratives. Or they way overshare with the kids, burdening them beyond their years. You are a good mom. I could not have said it any better. This. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.