Well, that was unplanned Updated #143

[Barb_]

Do you guys remember the older boyfriend situation from last year? I took some of your very good advice and pulled him in, got to know him, developed a relationship, etc. It turns out he's a nice guy, a little weird, lol, but he has a good heart. But. He's now 25, still has no job (although he's meandering through community college), and the inevitable has happened.

 

Darling daughter has a large scholarship that's tied to NM and cannot be deferred. She has a PP appt on tues but I'm pretty sure she's doing it because she thinks she has no choice given the circumstances. I'm being deliberately vague to salvage as much privacy as possible. I just need help thinking this through. Can anyone come up with some unusual alternatives? Do I talk to this young man and say hey! Get a job and be a man? Do I just stay out of it? She is the most emotionally fragile of my children and has been on meds for depression for the past year, and she sees a good counsellor, so I'm thankful for that ongoing support.

 

----------------------------------

 

Update of sorts (also post #143)

 

I am overwhelmed by the support you've given me on this thread. I posted because I was feeling alone and worried and as the rock of the family, I don't really have anyone to lean on when I feel a little weak in the knees. I try not to post too much about my personal life and I hope I've not made a mistake doing it now, but I just needed to put it out there. Thank you all.

 

I've had a couple of days to process and I'm feeling better in general. I did find out that her scholarship can be deferred as long as the national merit people and the university both agree to do so. A Pell Grant seems less likely because she would have to be providing more than half of her own support and the support of her dependent, which means she likely couldn't live at home. But thanks for all of the ideas. You guys brought up a lot of points I hadn't thought about. Dd seems to be handling everything better than I would have expected. We talked yesterday and will probably talk again tomorrow. She is going to keep her appointment but understands that she is fully in control of the decision. Without giving away too much information on the boyfriend, she understands that he isn't capable of handling things and doesn't resent him for it. I feel badly for him because he needs help but has no support system. It's a complicated situation. Although that is another thread that I plan to post separately from this one later this week.

 

So she understands what the options are, as I can see them. She knows she has them now, that is the important thing. For those of you who mentioned she should have a neutral third party to talk to, she has been seeming a counsellor weekly for the past 6 or 7 months. He's been a huge help to her and I was so glad she already had a working relationship with him when this happened. I have to trust that she's going to handle this like the adult she's becoming, but I'm relieved she has a network of people to turn to.

[Daria]

I'm sorry, but I don't know what either abbreviation you use means.  What are NM and PP?

[Seasider]

NM? PP?

 

Would it be possible for your dh to approach the young man and have a discussion?

 

"I know it's tradition for the young man to approach his girlfriend's father for his blessing, hope you don't mind I turn that around a bit. My gut tells me you are devoted to her." Proceed with suggestions man-to-man about what's really necessary to support a wife and eventually, children. Hope you don't think I mean in a patriarchal, I-own-the-daughter kind of way, but more a fatherly interaction. "If you were to come to me today to ask for my daughter's hand in marriage, this is what I'd have to tell you..."

 

Perhaps this wouldn't be the best approach - only you know the nuances of your particular circumstances - I'm just trying to imagine a way of communicating with this fellow in a way he might take seriously and act upon.

[Soror]

Big hugs, I wish I had advice.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Oh Barb  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  I'm so sorry that I don't have any advice. I've often thought about how I'd feel in the situation given my own history, and the answer is, I don't even know. I'm just really sorry you're all going through this. 

 

ETA: I don't think the discussion is going to stay vague for long. You might want to ask responders not to quote you so you can delete later? 

 

Have you talked to your DD about what she WANTS? Not what she thinks she has to do, but what she wants to do? If she's emotionally fragile, regret over this can burrow in and make deep inroads that make themselves known many years later. I've seen it happen. 

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm fully supportive either way, though. 

 

And how much of a position are you in to help her out? How far can you/would you go? Is your DH on the same page? Does she want this guy in her life forever? Do you? Does he know the full extent of the situation? (You don't have to answer, just food for thought.)

 

After thinking about it some more, I think that I would have them both sit down with DH and me and we would all discuss, calmly, about what might be done. Ultimately, though, I would make sure everyone knows it is her decision to make. 

[PrincessMommy]

I'm a step in kind of person, but that's not always the right thing to do...so I honestly don't know what I'd do.  I'm so very sorry that the inevitable happened.  :grouphug: :grouphug:   i don't know what NM means...but I'm very sorry she feels her options are limited to PP.  I don't want to say anymore as I don't want you to get embroiled in a debate at such a fragile time in your family's life.  :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

[Caroline]

You will find the strength and wisdom to be the mom your daughter needs right now. Hugs to you.

[Barb_]

Sorry NM is national merit. Pp planned parenthood.

[Sahamamama]

:grouphug: , Barb.

 

I think that if she goes through with the usual course of action at PP, she will have lifelong regrets. But who can really say? Everyone I know who has terminated has had lifelong regrets.

 

What does she want? What does he want? How willing and able are you and your husband to support them, emotionally, financially, and in other ways? Is there any reason why she can't begin this scholarship opportunity in her current condition? I mean, is there some "moral qualification" for the scholarship that makes it necessary to keep the lid on this? Women go to college in all stages and states, why not her? What would the worst case be, if she let go of the scholarship and stayed home for a year to grow a child? Life wouldn't be "over," just profoundly different from what you all had planned.

 

IDK. A life is a life, but... it's complicated. Your daughter's life, his life, the child's life. Do you want to meet your grandchild? What are you willing to do to meet him or her? I am certain that there is enough love in your family to embrace this baby, to draw the circle of family and home around him.

 

I'm sure this hasn't helped, and I'm sorry. If I could say something helpful, I would. :grouphug:

[Barb_]

Yes I think she plans to stay with him. He is brilliant, but emotionally damaged by a bad childhood. But I think his reaction to this situation at his age is showing what he's made of deep down, you know? Then again I don't know if he's even realized there are alternatives.

 

Also my husband lives out of state for work and due to travel we won't see him until May. So this has to be me.

[Barb_]

:grouphug: , Barb.

 

I think that if she goes through with the usual course of action at PP, she will have lifelong regrets. But who can really say? Everyone I know who has terminated has had lifelong regrets.

 

What does she want? What does he want? How willing and able are you and your husband to support them, emotionally, financially, and in other ways?

 

IDK. A life is a life, but... it's complicated. Your daughter's life, his life, the child's life. Do you want to meet your grandchild? What are you willing to do to meet him or her? I am certain that there is enough love in your family to embrace this baby, to draw the circle of family and home around him.

 

I'm sure this hasn't helped, and I'm sorry. If I could say something helpful, I would. :grouphug:

I could see her having regrets. I have two other daughters who come down on the logical side of the Meyers Briggs that might be able to separate thing out but I worry very much about this girl.

[Barb_]

Oh Barb :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I'm so sorry that I don't have any advice. I've often thought about how I'd feel in the situation given my own history, and the answer is, I don't even know. I'm just really sorry you're all going through this.

 

ETA: I don't think the discussion is going to stay vague for long. You might want to ask responders not to quote you so you can delete later?

 

Have you talked to your DD about what she WANTS? Not what she thinks she has to do, but what she wants to do? If she's emotionally fragile, regret over this can burrow in and make deep inroads that make themselves known many years later. I've seen it happen.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm fully supportive either way, though.

 

And how much of a position are you in to help her out? How far can you/would you go? Is your DH on the same page? Does she want this guy in her life forever? Do you? Does he know the full extent of the situation? (You don't have to answer, just food for thought.)

 

After thinking about it some more, I think that I would have them both sit down with DH and me and we would all discuss, calmly, about what might be done. Ultimately, though, I would make sure everyone knows it is her decision to make.

I know it won't stay vague. I just didn't want to volunteer everything in one post. I'm being silly. I just don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this until I process but it seems stupid to process in the Internet, lol

 

Also, these are all excellent questions. I don't know the answers yet but I will be thinking. The fun thing is, I have company right now and my best friend is in the middle of cancer treatment. When it rains it pours 😕

[Miss Mousie]

Oh, Barb ... :grouphug: 

 

I'm so sorry you have to fly solo on this!

 

From your posts, though, it sounds to me like you are VERY level-headed about it and not rushing toward any particular outcome.  Big kudos to you!  That's exactly the kind of parent I want to be, but it can be so hard.

 

I think you should stay out of it as far as the young man is concerned, but make sure your daughter knows you're open to any and all discussions (I'm sure she already knows that, but it can't hurt to extend the invitation explicitly).

[Barb_]

I'm a step in kind of person, but that's not always the right thing to do...so I honestly don't know what I'd do. I'm so very sorry that the inevitable happened. :grouphug: :grouphug: i don't know what NM means...but I'm very sorry she feels her options are limited to PP. I don't want to say anymore as I don't want you to get embroiled in a debate at such a fragile time in your family's life. :grouphug: :grouphug:

Also, I appreciate the compassion. I want her to choose her own life's path, but I don't want her to feel she HAS to do anything because she has no choice. I would be willing to have her give up her scholarship and live here if that's what she wants to do, but she would have to have a plan.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

I know it won't stay vague. I just didn't want to volunteer everything in one post. I'm being silly. I just don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this until I process but it seems stupid to process in the Internet, lol

 

Also, these are all excellent questions. I don't know the answers yet but I will be thinking. The fun thing is, I have company right now and my best friend is in the middle of cancer treatment. When it rains it pours 😕

 

I completely understand. 

 

Will she allow you to sit down with her counselor and get her/his take on her emotional state here? Or can you both have session together?

[ktgrok]

Where is the scholarship to? How far away from your home? Could she live at home and still attend? if so, could you provide daycare? Or could she apply to a closer school? 

 

As for this man, yes, this will show you his true colors. I was in this situation. I have zero regrets about having the child, but a ton of regrets over marrying the father. (we later divorced and I got an annulment). My life was very much differenct because of having a child but very wonderful. Harder, but better. 

[Miss Mousie]

I think that if she goes through with the usual course of action at PP, she will have lifelong regrets. But who can really say? Everyone I know who has terminated has had lifelong regrets.

 

 

While this may be true in your personal experience, I must point out that it is definitely NOT true across the board.  Also, consider how many people you might know who have had that experience with no regrets and simply choose not to share that sensitive information.

 

I'm not going to derail with further discussion, but I didn't want anyone to think regret is guaranteed either way.

[Barb_]

Oh, Barb ... :grouphug:

 

I'm so sorry you have to fly solo on this!

 

From your posts, though, it sounds to me like you are VERY level-headed about it and not rushing toward any particular outcome. Big kudos to you! That's exactly the kind of parent I want to be, but it can be so hard.

 

I think you should stay out of it as far as the young man is concerned, but make sure your daughter knows you're open to any and all discussions (I'm sure she already knows that, but it can't hurt to extend the invitation explicitly).

Thank you for saying so. I think I'd better wait for a few days at the very least because I'm starting to feel really angry that he's talking marriage with her but not acting like a grown up in this situation. Honestly, it would be best for her if she went away to college and got away from him for a few years. If she stays, it could get hairy. I just don't know.

[Catwoman]

Barb, I'm so sorry that your dd is going through this. :(

 

I wish your dh was there so you could talk this out with him in person. Is there any way he could come home, even if it was only for a few days, so this wouldn't be all on you?

 

I know you will help your dd make the best decision, whatever it turns out to be.

 

:grouphug:

[Barb_]

Where is the scholarship to? How far away from your home? Could she live at home and still attend? if so, could you provide daycare? Or could she apply to a closer school?

 

As for this man, yes, this will show you his true colors. I was in this situation. I have zero regrets about having the child, but a ton of regrets over marrying the father. (we later divorced and I got an annulment). My life was very much differenct because of having a child but very wonderful. Harder, but better.

I had the child. Didn't marry the father :) My life was also tough. She thought I'd be angry. I told her, "sweetheart, I'm just sad that you went and made your life so much harder than it has to be." It's going to suck no matter what she does.

 

The school is 2.5 hours away. We have a closer uni but she'd have to take out loans and I don't see her doing that. Some sort of certificate program at the cc would be more likely. Unless she took a year off, finished at the cc(she has a year and a half of credits already), and applied for a transfer scholarship.

[elegantlion]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

What a difficult crossroads. 

[Barb_]

Barb, I'm so sorry that your dd is going through this. :(

 

I wish your dh was there so you could talk this out with him in person. Is there any way he could come home, even if it was only for a few days, so this wouldn't be all on you?

 

I know you will help your dd make the best decision, whatever it turns out to be.

 

:grouphug:

No, not really but it's okay. I'm used to the dynamic. He's been away for five years now. Besides, he's an overreactor :)

[Jane in NC]

Barb dear,

 

Sending you a hug because I know that you need one.

 

Jane

[Barb_]

I completely understand.

 

Will she allow you to sit down with her counselor and get her/his take on her emotional state here? Or can you both have session together?

Oh sure. We have a good relationship. The only wrench in it has been this guy, unsurprisingly enough. That's a good idea.

[Barb_]

Barb dear,

 

Sending you a hug because I know that you need one.

 

Jane

Oh Jane, my long time imaginary friend. You made me cry.

[Sahamamama]

I don't have daughters her age, but I've had my eyes open all my life. And I've seen this work out both ways. In one scenario, both parties are able to grow up, settle down, and work out a life together. In the other scenario, Peter Pan (the perpetual boy) is attracted to Sharp Tack (the going-somewhere girl), but things happen.... If she hooks up with him, she ends up with not one baby, but two. And that is a heavy load, from what I've seen (from a distance). She has goals and abilities, a baby, and a man who will happily be kept. Will he do anything? Will he lift a finger to help carry the load?

 

I am truly sorry I don't have better news. Like I said, it could go either way, but it will in large measure depend on the measure of this "man." How much of a man is he? If he is not going to "man up," and she has this baby, Peter Pan will be in her life forever, one way or the other, for good or bad, even if he never gets his act together. But if you encourage her in the other direction, how will that impact your relationship with her down the road? Will she blame anyone who encourages her to think of herself, her future? You are in a tough spot, for sure.

[Chrysalis Academy]

Oh, Barb, I'm so sorry for your dd and for you in this tough situation.  Speaking only from my own experience, I can say that a decision to move forward with the pp appointment has huge emotional ramifications - obviously - even if it is the right decision.  One of those is that if she feels regret in the short term, it will almost certainly affect her relationship with this man.  It's hard to feel that you had no choice but to terminate, because it was the right thing for your partner or your situation, and then remain close to said partner.  It's hard not to feel somewhat betrayed, abandoned emotionally, etc.  I say this because you said he is talking marriage.  If she goes through with termination with mixed feelings, regrets, etc. my prediction would be that her relationship with this man will end.  Maybe not immediately, but in the near future.  Now, maybe that is what is best for her - to move on, from him, and from this situation, and to go on and have a full and productive life. It's certainly possible to do this, and the regrets do fade with time, especially when you do know, intellectually, that it was the right decision - personal experience speaking.  But to regretfully decide to terminate and to hope to salvage the relationship? Under the circumstances you describe, that seems unlikely to me.

[Barb_]

NM? PP?

 

Would it be possible for your dh to approach the young man and have a discussion?

 

"I know it's tradition for the young man to approach his girlfriend's father for his blessing, hope you don't mind I turn that around a bit. My gut tells me you are devoted to her." Proceed with suggestions man-to-man about what's really necessary to support a wife and eventually, children. Hope you don't think I mean in a patriarchal, I-own-the-daughter kind of way, but more a fatherly interaction. "If you were to come to me today to ask for my daughter's hand in marriage, this is what I'd have to tell you..."

 

Perhaps this wouldn't be the best approach - only you know the nuances of your particular circumstances - I'm just trying to imagine a way of communicating with this fellow in a way he might take seriously and act upon.

In our situation this wouldn't really be appropriate. But thank you for helping.

[purpleowl]

For honesty's sake, I have very strong feelings on this issue, and I felt like I should say that up front.  My post is intended to be gentle, though, and I hope you will still choose to read it, since you are asking about alternatives.

 

Are you in the same city as where she's planning to attend school?  Could you assist with childcare?  

 

Okay, while I was typing I see that you mentioned that she could live at home instead, so it sounds like the current plan is not in the same town.  I would definitely talk with her and let her know that you ARE willing for her to do that, and help her think through coming up with a plan.  I'm thinking she may not be in a good spot emotionally to generate her own ideas, but she may be perfectly willing to discuss them with you if you bring it up and offer some suggestions, you know?

 

Can she call a local crisis pregnancy center to talk things out?  If you don't have one locally but she's interested, I can PM you with the number for the one we have here.  It just sounds like you may want to have the option of talking with someone who can help you consider various options.  And even if she doesn't call, you could call yourself.

 

I know that whatever decision is made, it has to be a difficult place for you guys to be in right now.  Hugs to you and your DD.

[Barb_]

Oh, Barb, I'm so sorry for your dd and for you in this tough situation. Speaking only from my own experience, I can say that a decision to move forward with the pp appointment has huge emotional ramifications - obviously - even if it is the right decision. One of those is that if she feels regret in the short term, it will almost certainly affect her relationship with this man. It's hard to feel that you had no choice but to terminate, because it was the right thing for your partner or your situation, and then remain close to said partner. It's hard not to feel somewhat betrayed, abandoned emotionally, etc. I say this because you said he is talking marriage. If she goes through with termination with mixed feelings, regrets, etc. my prediction would be that her relationship with this man will end. Maybe not immediately, but in the near future. Now, maybe that is what is best for her - to move on, from him, and from this situation, and to go on and have a full and productive life. It's certainly possible to do this, and the regrets can fade with time - personal experience speaking. But to regretfully decide to terminate and to hope to salvage the relationship? Under the circumstances you describe, that seems unlikely to me.

If they marry, I could see her needing to carry the emotional and financial load on her own. I think marriage is a vague-someday concept with both of them. Now iffy would have said, holy cow! I'm going to be a dad! And jumped up and started looking for a job...different story. But he's a child-man and I fear for my daughter. Sigh.

[Jane in NC]

Oh Jane, my long time imaginary friend. You made me cry.

 

I feel that our kids have grown up together so I'll share your tears. 

 

[Barb_]

For honesty's sake, I have very strong feelings on this issue, and I felt like I should say that up front. My post is intended to be gentle, though, and I hope you will still choose to read it, since you are asking about alternatives.

 

Are you in the same city as where she's planning to attend school? Could you assist with childcare?

 

Okay, while I was typing I see that you mentioned that she could live at home instead, so it sounds like the current plan is not in the same town. I would definitely talk with her and let her know that you ARE willing for her to do that, and help her think through coming up with a plan. I'm thinking she may not be in a good spot emotionally to generate her own ideas, but she may be perfectly willing to discuss them with you if you bring it up and offer some suggestions, you know?

 

Can she call a local crisis pregnancy center to talk things out? If you don't have one locally but she's interested, I can PM you with the number for the one we have here. It just sounds like you may want to have the option of talking with someone who can help you consider various options. And even if she doesn't call, you could call yourself.

 

I know that whatever decision is made, it has to be a difficult place for you guys to be in right now. Hugs to you and your DD.

I want this to be her decision. It's her life and she has to live with the natural consequences if whatever she chooses. I don't want her talking to a crisis center because I don't want her swayed by anyone who doesn't have a stake in the outcome. But thank you anyway 😌

[Chrysalis Academy]

If they marry, I could see her needing to carry the emotional and financial load on her own. -snip - But he's a child-man and I fear for my daughter. Sigh.

 

:grouphug:  I can so relate.  As somebody who has been where your dd is and made the tough choice to move on with my life - and eventually away from the child-man - I can say that it will be ok.  Life is good, the world is huge, her whole life is ahead of her, and there are decent, mature men out there who will be excellent husbands, fathers, and partners.  Some day.  When she's ready.  And ready to be a mom.

 

From where I sit, that's the $64,000 question. Is she ready to be a mom? right now and for the rest of her life? There may be regret in deciding that the answer is no, but there is no shame.  There is maturity and courage and clear thinking.  And it doesn't sound like she can count on him to be an equal, grown-up partner in this, so she is going to have to look within for the answer.

[Barb_]

I don't have daughters her age, but I've had my eyes open all my life. And I've seen this work out both ways. In one scenario, both parties are able to grow up, settle down, and work out a life together. In the other scenario, Peter Pan (the perpetual boy) is attracted to Sharp Tack (the going-somewhere girl), but things happen.... If she hooks up with him, she ends up with not one baby, but two. And that is a heavy load, from what I've seen (from a distance). She has goals and abilities, a baby, and a man who will happily be kept. Will he do anything? Will he lift a finger to help carry the load?

 

I am truly sorry I don't have better news. Like I said, it could go either way, but it will in large measure depend on the measure of this "man." How much of a man is he? If he is not going to "man up," and she has this baby, Peter Pan will be in her life forever, one way or the other, for good or bad, even if he never gets his act together. But if you encourage her in the other direction, how will that impact your relationship with her down the road? Will she blame anyone who encourages her to think of herself, her future? You are in a tough spot, for sure.

Yes! This! This is exactly what I am struggling with. My husband was still living with his parents and sleeping until noon and waking to a hot breakfast at 24. He was working and going to cc but he wasn't saving any money or contributing to the household. I kinda straightened him out, lol

 

But he wanted direction. This guy is a different story. In my experienced opinion he is has undiagnosed high functioning ASD/aspergers and needs help. He is incredibly brilliant, gentle, patient, awkward, shy, and looked visibly shaken the only time I ever hugged him. He's a tough nut. I just wish it wasn't my little girl trying to save him

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

If they marry, I could see her needing to carry the emotional and financial load on her own. I think marriage is a vague-someday concept with both of them. Now iffy would have said, holy cow! I'm going to be a dad! And jumped up and started looking for a job...different story. But he's a child-man and I fear for my daughter. Sigh.

 

I promise I'll delete all quotes later. Have you discussed this with her? Not in a "this guy is no good for you" kind of way, but more along the line of, "I love so-and-so, but I fear that he doesn't understand what it will take to be a husband and father and support a family. Are you willing to be the providing spouse and parent in a marriage? Is that how you see your ideal marriage working out, or do you have another vision for your future family?" Will she listen to you if you try to talk these issues out with her, or will she just shut down? And how much time do you have to work with here?

 

Personally, I still think that I would ask for them both to sit down with you over dinner and discuss. Not for you to lecture or hound, but to talk about the options and what they mean and how they're workable in any given direction. I feel like I would have to be sure that he understands what he needs to do. If he had a bad childhood, he probably has no clue what to expect, what's expected of him, what the future holds for them, how this will impact your DD's college plans, etc. I don't think I could live with myself if I didn't feel like I tried my best to help him understand what's coming and help my daughter see that he either is or isn't going to step up as he needs to. That's just me though, and it could be the completely wrong thing, of course.

[Barb_]

:grouphug: I can so relate. As somebody who has been where your dd is and made the tough choice to move on with my life - and eventually away from the child-man - I can say that it will be ok. Life is good, the world is huge, her whole life is ahead of her, and there are decent, mature men out there who will be excellent husbands, fathers, and partners. Some day. When she's ready. And ready to be a mom.

 

From where I sit, that's the $64,000 question. Is she ready to be a mom? right now and for the rest of her life? There may be regret in deciding that the answer is no, but there is no shame. There is maturity and courage and clear thinking. And it doesn't sound like she can count on him to be an equal, grown-up partner in this, so she is going to have to look within for the answer.

Ok. That is a good way to cut through it. Is she ready to do this all by herself? I need to let go of the fact that I'm angry he's putting her in this position and help her figure out what her decision will be all by herself.

[maize]

Are you 100% sure the scholarship cannot be deferred for any reason?

 

I too would worry about a major decision being made because a person feels trapped. It sounds like you have a great relationship and are able to be supportive regardless of the decision made, I would definitely want to sit down and talk through a few workable options so that your DD can see two or three viable paths between which to choose.

 

Tuesday isn't very far away, if a couple of days wouldn't make a huge difference I might look into rescheduling.

[maize]

Is adoption something she would consider? The options are not only to terminate or to parent, I personally know several infertile couples who are hoping to adopt.

[Barb_]

I promise I'll delete all quotes later. Have you discussed this with her? Not in a "this guy is no good for you" kind of way, but more along the line of, "I love so-and-so, but I fear that he doesn't understand what it will take to be a husband and father and support a family. Are you willing to be the providing spouse and parent in a marriage? Is that how you see your ideal marriage working out, or do you have another vision for your future family?" Will she listen to you if you try to talk these issues out with her, or will she just shut down? And how much time do you have to work with here?

 

Personally, I still think that I would ask for them both to sit down with you over dinner and discuss. Not for you to lecture or hound, but to talk about the options and what they mean and how they're workable in any given direction. I feel like I would have to be sure that he understands what he needs to do. If he had a bad childhood, he probably has no clue what to expect, what's expected of him, what the future holds for them, how this will impact your DD's college plans, etc. I don't think I could live with myself if I didn't feel like I tried my best to help him understand what's coming and help my daughter see that he either is or isn't going to step up as he needs to. That's just me though, and it could be the completely wrong thing, of course.

Yes, we had this conversation six or so months ago. I told her I was worried because I didn't want her to be the poor girl at the community college trying to work and go to school while supporting her boyfriend and a child or two.

 

My gut is telling me to sit down with them because he doesn't seem to have a guiding force in his life. He lives with his mom and stepdad but they don't require much of him or get him the help he so obviously needs. I think this could give me the opportunity to set him on a better path, but I have about 48 hours to decide if I want to go down that road.

[Barb_]

Is adoption something she would consider? The options are not only to terminate or to parent, I personally know several infertile couples who are hoping to adopt.

I don't believe so. She would lose her scholarship and also lose the baby. If she goes through with it, it would be to keep the baby.

[Cinder]

:grouphug:  Just wanted to pass along a hug for you in this difficult situation.  :grouphug:

[Barb_]

Are you 100% sure the scholarship cannot be deferred for any reason?

 

I too would worry about a major decision being made because a person feels trapped. It sounds like you have a great relationship and are able to be supportive regardless of the decision made, I would definitely want to sit down and talk through a few workable options so that your DD can see two or three viable paths between which to choose.

 

Tuesday isn't very far away, if a couple of days wouldn't make a huge difference I might look into rescheduling.

Yes because it's tied to national merit, it has to be used the year she graduates. Now possibly she could start and take a leave but I have no idea how far along she is. Not very I'm assuming.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Tuesday isn't very far away, if a couple of days wouldn't make a huge difference I might look into rescheduling.

 

Also, make sure she knows that she can walk out of the process at any time on Tuesday. She doesn't have to feel embarrassed if she changes her mind even as she's walking into the surgical room. The staff is used to that and won't pressure her or tell her it's too late. I worked at PP for several years, and women changed their minds at all points in the process. Most didn't, of course, but if someone did, they were turned right back around to go ahead and get dressed. 

[Barb_]

Ok I have to step away now. People are beginning to wake in other parts of the house. Thank you all for talking it through with me. I'll check in later today.

[Barb_]

Also, make sure she knows that she can walk out of the process at any time on Tuesday. She doesn't have to feel embarrassed if she changes her mind even as she's walking into the surgical room. The staff is used to that and won't pressure her or tell her it's too late. I worked at PP for several years, and women changed their minds at all points in the process. Most didn't, of course, but if someone did, they were turned right back around to go ahead and get dressed.

Pretty sure it's still early enough for pills. We'll see on Tuesday. But I will let her know.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Pretty sure it's still early enough for pills. We'll see on Tuesday. But I will let her know.

 

Oh, that would be great. 

 

:grouphug: to you. I hope it all works out for the best, whatever that may be for her. 

[hornblower]

Barb, big hugs.

 

I would step in with dd but not the bf. No point in applying pressure there. If he's up for it, it should come from him... And either way, actually I would be driving dd to that pp appointment. Of course still her decision but if asked for opinion, I'd say stay in school and have no regrets.

[ktgrok]

If they marry, I could see her needing to carry the emotional and financial load on her own. I think marriage is a vague-someday concept with both of them. Now iffy would have said, holy cow! I'm going to be a dad! And jumped up and started looking for a job...different story. But he's a child-man and I fear for my daughter. Sigh.

 

Marriage sounds like an awful idea right now. Please make sure she knows that she doesn't have to be married to keep the child. My Church won't even marry people in this situation, because there really is no real free will/consent in this situation, there is always societal pressure playing a role and it is too hard to tell how much of the reason for getting married is outside pressure/societal pressure. Better to wait, adjust to life with the child, then decide. (I did the opposite, which was a dumb idea). 

[Guest submarines]

I want this to be her decision. It's her life and she has to live with the natural consequences if whatever she chooses. I don't want her talking to a crisis center because I don't want her swayed by anyone who doesn't have a stake in the outcome. But thank you anyway 😌

On one hand you say you want it to be her decision, but on the other hand you are actively creating an environment for her that *you* think is appropriate. Do you want her to make her own decision, or a decision which is based on the parameters that you present to her?

 

I think she should be encouraged to truly make her own decision (which includes reaching out to other sources of information, for example), independent of your influences, OR she should be encouraged to make an openly mom-supported decision. It can't be both.

 

If it were me, with an emotionally fragile 18 year old (and my13 yo is emotionally fragile) I'd be leaning towards a mom-supported decision, rather than forcing a child to suddenly mature emotionally in a stressful situation.

[ktgrok]

Ok. That is a good way to cut through it. Is she ready to do this all by herself? I need to let go of the fact that I'm angry he's putting her in this position and help her figure out what her decision will be all by herself.

 

Yes, this. Maybe he will stick, maybe he won't. (I agree with you, probably not.) But she has to make whatever decision she can live with on her own, because that's the only person she can't count on, herself.