Would you pay more for college for this child? (Autism/traumatic brain injury)

[Elisabet1]

My son, who I rarely mention because he is a wonderful loving person who rarely gives me grief, has a traumatic brain injury and a diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder. He has scholarships at college and one requires minimum of C's in every class. He got 2 D's this fall, in his major. And an F in the spring in his major. He did fine in the rest of his classes. Maybe his major is not a good idea. 

 

I love all my children, but, this particular child is very nice. He is a wonderful light in my day in the middle of all the chaos with my daughter. This scholarship he is losing is worth about $15K a year. We cannot afford to replace that!! He was already on probation with his scholarship (which is a disability related scholarship).

 

He is devastated. What would you do? Should we just move him out of the dorm? Would you do whatever to scrape up the money to pay for at least the spring? Would it just be throwing away money to try to pay? Also, another thing is, we did suggest he change his major. He is open to that. He is a wonderful writer. His minor is creative writing. 

 

 

Thank you for your help. It is adding to everything that my daughter is being so hard right now, and now my sweet nice son is being like this. And no..I do not sit around comparing my children to each other making things worse. So please do not read in to that.

 

 

[bolt.]

Are you paying for a dorm within driving range of your home? Can you save money there, or perhaps pursue college in a less-than-full-time way?

 

Anyhow, I'd finance college for any kid that had potential to be successful -- scholarships would be a help, but not having them would not result in not going.

 

With disability, I'd think outside the box and focus on eventual success (learning, moving towards an employable field, picking up the skills of academic work) not nessisarily conventional definitions of success (passing everything, attending full time, done in x years).

 

(I do not consider creative writing an employable feild.)

[Elisabet1]

Are you paying for a dorm within driving range of your home? Can you save money there, or perhaps pursue college in a less-than-full-time way?

 

Anyhow, I'd finance college for any kid that had potential to be successful -- scholarships would be a help, but not having them would not result in not going.

 

With disability, I'd think outside the box and focus on eventual success (learning, moving towards an employable field, picking up the skills if academic work) not nessisarily conventional definitions of success (passing everything, attending full time, done in x years).

 

(I do not consider creative writing an employable feild.)

The school is more than an hour away, and requires you live on campus at his level. If he does not go back, he will live at home and go to a place closer by. So we would definitely finance a place closer by that is more affordable. He has multiple scholarships to the school further away, it is just the one he would lose. But that one is big. So we would still pay, it is just about would you pay that much and continue to send him to that school, or have him come home and go with community college and then state university? He likes his school he is at now and has work study and all.

[zimom]

Would he qualify for Vocational Rehabilitation due to his TBI?  In some states, VR will pay for all or most of college tuition for individuals with diagnosis such as TBI, hearing loss, vision loss, physical disabilities.  Parental income is a factor in some states but not others.  

[catz]

I don't think I would just throw 15K at this problem if he's already had failing grades multiple semesters.  Do you know WHY he is failing?  I might look at taking a semester off and maybe a short term job if he can hold one and a bunch of discussion about eventual goals and baby steps about how to get there.

 

I don't compare or strive to spend equally on my kids.  Kids are individuals.  That said, I would not continue to finance a particular college for someone who hasn't shown they are likely to be successful with it.  But that doesn't mean he can't be successful somewhere else, or in a CC, or in a trade program, or in a job, or in life.  It might just mean he hasn't found the right fit for him yet and might require some patience and some experimentation. 

[bettyandbob]

with those grades will he actually be able to transfer to the closer university?

 

I might try to pay for a semester of more appropriate classes, just so he can have a transcript that would make it possible to transfer. 

[maize]

Has he been getting tutoring for the classes he was struggling with?

[Ravin]

with those grades will he actually be able to transfer to the closer university?

 

I might try to pay for a semester of more appropriate classes, just so he can have a transcript that would make it possible to transfer. 

 

In my experience, transferring is actually a good idea. The failing credits won't transfer and neither will the GPA, but the credits for classes he passed should be transferable.

 

I don't have an answer, other than, have you actually looked at the cost for CC/State University vs. where he's at now?

 

The later in the program, the harder it will be to transfer.

 

Could he maybe get enrollment deferred/scholarships for a year and come home and do a couple semesters (including summer) at CC then go back?

[Melinda in VT]

I'd need to understand why he was failing before I could make a decision.

 

I would not finance a creative writing degree. (I can't tell if you are encouraging him to switch to that or not.)

[speedmom4]

It sounds like I have a son like yours. My son had a stroke at birth and is a joy. He is wonderful and bright.

 

I would be so proud of how well he did in most of his classes. But I would transfer him and have him commute to a school closer to home.

I would do that for any of my children, not just my son with special needs. I wouldn't look at it as a punishment. Maybe the academics plus living on campus are just a little too much right now. I would want him to have the tools he needs to succeed.

 

(((Hugs))) I don't envy your decision!

 

Elise in NC

[Guest]

I probably wouldn't, not in a punishing way, but in the realization that not everyone is cut out for college. I would focus on helping him strategize other routes to meaningful work, such as certification (maybe web design would suit him?), a trade or a work training program.

[Elisabet1]

I don't think I would just throw 15K at this problem if he's already had failing grades multiple semesters.  Do you know WHY he is failing?  I might look at taking a semester off and maybe a short term job if he can hold one and a bunch of discussion about eventual goals and baby steps about how to get there.

 

I don't compare or strive to spend equally on my kids.  Kids are individuals.  That said, I would not continue to finance a particular college for someone who hasn't shown they are likely to be successful with it.  But that doesn't mean he can't be successful somewhere else, or in a CC, or in a trade program, or in a job, or in life.  It might just mean he hasn't found the right fit for him yet and might require some patience and some experimentation. 

He wanted to be a computer science major and he is flunking the computer science classes. He has done fine in the other classes. I think he bit off more than he can chew with computer science. He is a wonderful writer. He is great in his other classes, like English and political science. He even got an A in speech communication. His job involves setting up media stuff at the union. So I suspect a media major, communications, English, or Political Science would have been better.

[Melinda in VT]

He wanted to be a computer science major and he is flunking the computer science classes. He has done fine in the other classes. I think he bit off more than he can chew with computer science. He is a wonderful writer. He is great in his other classes, like English and political science. He even got an A in speech communication. His job involves setting up media stuff at the union. So I suspect a media major, communications, English, or Political Science would have been better.

If he can write and he's interested in computer science, has he considered technical writing? I confess I don't know what the implications of a TBI are, but tech writing would use his comp sci knowledge without requiring him to be good at coding.

[bolt.]

My goal would be to use education get him *employable* at the highest (most secure, comfortable, well-suited, etc) level that seems likely to work out.

 

Since I don't have exposure to community colleges or state universities, I don't know if they fit that bill or not. (It seems like they probably do, since I don't know why else they would exist?)

 

It seems like his current track is less than ideal, and not likely to lead to a completed degree at all without major modifications (which does ask, why is he failing?) -- So I'd put all options on the table for the next step, and then make my best guess about what's likely to yeild the most employable result.

[Elisabet1]

Would he qualify for Vocational Rehabilitation due to his TBI?  In some states, VR will pay for all or most of college tuition for individuals with diagnosis such as TBI, hearing loss, vision loss, physical disabilities.  Parental income is a factor in some states but not others.  

It is a disability related scholarship through the state. But it is not called that, but I suspect it could be our state's version of that. They don't pay the whole thing, but they pay a set amount per credit hour and them a portion of room and board and all of the books. Income is a factor, but we are a big family with a moderate income so he still qualified. It is not through the welfare office or anything though. But it is just $173 per credit and our state universities are more than that.

[catz]

He wanted to be a computer science major and he is flunking the computer science classes. He has done fine in the other classes. I think he bit off more than he can chew with computer science. He is a wonderful writer. He is great in his other classes, like English and political science. He even got an A in speech communication. His job involves setting up media stuff at the union. So I suspect a media major, communications, English, or Political Science would have been better.

 

:grouphug:   Well, lots of kids start comp sci and engineering degrees and decide it's not for them.  I actually have a comp sci and BS in math.  A fraction of the kids that started in my program finished it.  It's ok if that's not a fit for him.  It is a hard and very work intensive degree.  If he is interested in tech work, there are a lot of great 2 year options for tech programs/programming and/or web work which could steppingstone back to a a BA or BS if things started to click for him. 

 

Technical writing could be a great area for him too, and many tech writers free lance more creatively in their spare time.  Tech writers can do EXTREMELY well.  Every software company I've worked for has had a tech writing department for manuals, etc.

[zimom]

It is a disability related scholarship through the state. But it is not called that, but I suspect it could be our state's version of that. They don't pay the whole thing, but they pay a set amount per credit hour and them a portion of room and board and all of the books. Income is a factor, but we are a big family with a moderate income so he still qualified. It is not through the welfare office or anything though. But it is just $173 per credit and our state universities are more than that.

Yep, that sounds like the same thing. In most states that program should work with your son, provide career counseling, to help him find a program that he can succeed in. Use their resourses and then use that $$ at another college or degree path so that he can be a success in life.

[Catwoman]

Can your son meet with whomever is responsible for the scholarship allocation and explain that he bit off too much with the comp sci major, but that he is confident he can succeed with a different major?

 

It would be worth asking if they might make an exception for him. Maybe if they meet him and see that he is nice and that he is sincere, they may find a way to let him keep the scholarship.

 

Does he enjoy going to that school?

[itsheresomewhere]

What does your son want to do?

[gardenmom5]

why is he struggling?  is it understanding the material? keeping up with the work? organizing the work? is there an undiagnosed learning disability that by being addressed would allow him to keep up?

 

 just because he has a TBI and ASD doesn't mean he would perform this way with all majors.  I know people of normal intelligence, and no disability who flunked out in the subject of their choice.  one even retook the full class schedule the next quarter - with his roommate in the same major/higher year, helping him.  he went from an F to a D.  the roommate told him to change majors.  the roommate saw how hard he worked, and still didn't get a high enough grade.  so, he switched majors and did fine, and eventually became a pilot.

 

but before continuing - I would figure out what area's he's struggling with that are causing him to do poorly.

 

I'd also get some good aptitude screening to find what he could excel at, and enjoy.  take advantage of the school's counseling center to help determine what that field might be.  the point is - you want him to be successful, and he may be one that takes a little more thought and effort to find that area.

 

 

 

[lmrich]

If he pulls his grades up, can he get the scholarship back? 

If, yes, I would pay for one more semester to see if he can. Change his major - would he even be happy with that as his job? 

[Crimson Wife]

Computer Science is a very difficult major, and I would definitely see if a waiver could be granted for the minimum GPA requirement if he changes his major to something else. I would recommend contacting the Disability Resource Center (or whichever department at the college handles disability accommodations). to see if they can help. Good luck!

[Chris in VA]

I would definitely need to know why his grades were low.

Would he benefit from a slowed-down schedule?

Switch majors? Is it that he is now at a higher level in his classes and they are too challenging?

Was it executive function stuff getting in his way? (keeping up with assignments, time management, etc)

 

Given the chaos you describe at home, I would NOT have him live there. (I don't mean chaos, exactly--just the stress of having a sib in such a hard place in her life--forgive my lack of vocab.)

 

I think a good talk with him to figure out the problems would be in order, and then make a plan with him, and have him go to his counselor and make a plan. THEN decide if you can afford to pay for the next semester. If a break is in order, could you have him work--if he works 7 months, can he earn enough to pay for a room somewhere close to home and pay for the difference in scholarship? Or at least pay for a room and pay enough towards school that you can afford it?

 

I speak as one who has an Aspie, and also as one who failed several of the classes in my major, but still made it out with a 4 yr degree which opened many doors.

[almondbutterandjelly]

If I were you, I'd bring him home and have him do Computer Science at the local school.  Here is a real life example:  My aspie relative went away to a competitive state university for his first two years.  He had always been into computers.  At this school (and possibly also because of the social life), he found the computer major too difficult and switched to accounting.  His family then moved across the country and he moved with them, switching schools and living at home.  He returned to his first love, computers, and did great.  He has now successfully been in the computer field for many years.  It truly is his gift area.

 

Another aspie relative went away to a decent state university.  He had also always been into computers.  He found the math required by the computer major too difficult, and ultimately chose to minor in Computer Science instead.  He ended up majoring in English, but the comp sci and previous summer internships as an IT guy got him a job locally in IT.

 

Best of luck!

[Katy]

I would bring him home and send him to the local community college's program for computer network management OR I would keep him home and see if he could handle learning most of the stuff on Udacity during the spring semester.  If he learned most of it, I would have him apply for some bootcamp programs- like the one for Ruby on Rails that you go to learn Ruby really well and quickly and then get a job as a Ruby programmer or engineer in a matter of months not years, making more than a computer science major.

 

Computer science requires all of the pre-med courses (except for Organic Chemistry), and all of the engineering math, at least at the program DH went to.  It's challenging academically, but doesn't necessarily teach you what you need to know to be a programmer.  The network management program is cheap and you end up in a job (after only 2 years) where you're making as much as most computer science majors, and you don't have to sit in a cubicle all day.  If he went through a programming bootcamp, he'd make more than a comp sci major immediately.

 

He might need to go back and get a bachelor's later, but perhaps he'd be better suited to doing that one or two classes at a time.

[QueenCat]

The more I think about it, the more I think I'd find the money to keep him there. Primarily because of the major stress going on in your home right now. Aspies don't deal with that well. Even if your dd isn't there at the moment, your home is still under major stress due to dealing with her and her issues. I'd leave him where he is and help him pick a major more suited to him.

[Elisabet1]

He is just going to be devastated. He loves being there. He seems to have friends. My husband feels he should come home and go to community college. I hate to see him so sad.

[Trilliums]

I'd try to let him stay spring semester but make it clear that in order to stay on beyond that he needs to get his grades up.

 

I'd help him look into changing majors into some kind of computer tech, not necessarily programming.

 

But, if it is unaffordable, then there would be very little debate and he would just have to come home and adjust as well as possible.

[celticmom]

If he wants to consider technical writing, there is a blog called Far Manor that is written by someone whose day job is a technical writer but he has published quite a few fiction ebooks on the side. He might want to consider going that route. Here is a link: http://farmanor.blogspot.com/

[QueenCat]

He is just going to be devastated. He loves being there. He seems to have friends. My husband feels he should come home and go to community college. I hate to see him so sad.

 

The social environment is so important. Your husband is one vote, you and your ds also have a vote in the matter. Yours equals your dh's vote so really, listen to your son and his needs. Let your son stay. If he has to take out a loan for just one semester, that's not an unreasonable amount of student debt, if you and your dh can't help at all.

[Beth S]

Some colleges allow the bad grade to be expunged, if the class is re-taken & a higher grade earned.

This could solve the GPA issue, but delay graduation.

 

Computer Science is an extremely demanding major.

Another option is more of a "Tech" program--becoming an IT, for example, or doing CADs.

 

Also, wherever he ends up next semester, I would try to follow up more with him, keeping track of his tests, just helping him time manage.

Getting to know his instructors, having weekly tutoring sessions, are really essential.

 

Just some ideas--they may not work for you, but I did have to hand-hold our son last semester at the beginning, so he could study & do well on the first round of tests. 

[Tsuga]

I would not pay cash for a major that my child was failing at.

 

He either needs to go to CC to work his way up to that level, or to switch majors.

 

Money will not solve the problem. He will get kicked out of the program if he continues to fail.

 

Of course I'd do everything I could for my kids. But you can't pass the classes for him. A C is one thing. An F is pretty bad. It's very hard to get an F when you do all the work if you have any talent in that area at all. I'm not saying that to be mean. But really--an F is drastic. They don't like to give out Fs.

 

(So--wait. How many classes is he taking? Is this quarters or semesters? Has he gotten Ds/Fs in 3 out of 6 courses?)