So... we're switching churches...

[PeacefulChaos]

... and I have absolutely no idea how to go about it.  

 

Back in the summer DH and I had talked a bit about our church, and had discussed leaving.  I was still 100% against it, but through our talking it came about that I really was only holding onto it for personal (okay, selfish) reasons.  I wanted to be there for the musical (I'm the choir/vocal director for it).  I figured they would be fine without me, but I had just gotten into this role in the last couple years and LOVED It so much.  So we had decided to stick around at least until January, and revisit the discussion then.

 

So cue about a month and a half ago, when we hear that musicals are over.  No more.  We were in planning talks for this Christmas and had been all summer, but in the end, things happened and the musical that our church had been doing for 20ish years was over.  I'm not saying it was their fault or anything like that - it was just time.  I was sort of expecting it after the Christmas one, but all of us were sort of taken off guard by the fact that it was done.  Last year was it and we didn't even realize it.

 

So then I'm like... whoa.  Because didn't I just say that this was why I'm staying?  This musical thing had much bigger implications for us than just 'not doing the musical anymore', kwim?

 

So we revisited it early.  Once the musical decision came out, I was like, well, I guess it's time to leave.  We chose to stay through the Pinewood Derby that our boys were doing, which was yesterday.

And now... what???

 

I can't fully put into words why we're leaving.  We've been there as a married couple since we moved here in May of 2002.  DH was born and raised there.  We've always been super involved, we've stuck with it through hard times, etc, because we were in the place we were meant to be.  We knew that.  I still know that it was right for the time.  

 

As I've talked about before, DH's parents left a few years ago and his dad began pastoring his own church.  There has been a fair amount of pressure over these years from them to come there, but we are NOT leaving because of that.  His church actually just disbanded anyway.  

 

A few years ago... let's see, probably 2.5?... I was thinking that maybe we should move.  Like, as in, move away move.  Then upheaval in the church happened (nothing bad, our pastor got a district position and we went into the process of finding a new one) and I felt like we needed to stay through finding a new pastor.  DH was also on the board and the pastoral committee.  Then, about a year later, we hired a new pastor, who I felt was the right one for the church but at the same time not meant to be our pastor.  Does that make any sense?

 

Since then, I've hung onto the church dearly because I do love it.  I love the people, I love that my kids have grown up there, etc, but overall I know we don't fit there anymore.  It is going to be challenging in the coming weeks.  I don't know where we'll go or what we'll do.  

 

I don't know why I posted this other than just to get some support, I guess.  If you've switched churches, how did you do it?  And just keep us in your thoughts/prayers/whatever.  It will be hard.  I know I will mourn losing it.  And I think the rest of the family will as well.

 

Thanks!

[milovany]

Kara, we changed churches about six years ago and while it was a bit life altering at first (and still is in some ways because we went to Eastern Orthodoxy after non denominational), its turned out to be a great decision for us all, in ways we hadn't even thought about. Take a deep breath!

[Shamzanne]

I was in a similar boat about five years ago. It was so difficult, but the fear of making the jump and telling everyone was way worse than it was in actuality. It was the best decision I ever made . . . I wouldn't have been able to find my true home without the initial decision to leave. I will pray for you!

[Southern Ivy]

We changed churches about a year ago and it was the best decision we've made as a married couple, I think. 
We had moved to this area almost 4 years ago and found a church that initially impressed us. Move forward 2 years and we'd met only a handful of people. The longer we were there, the more uncomfortable I became with some things that were occurring; but my husband wanted to stay. So we did. Within a month, he was ready to leave as well. 

For us, we just left. We didn't tell anyone we were looking for a new church or considering leaving. We just started visiting other churches one day.
During that time and since then, no one called, no one dropped by to see where we were, no Facebook messages. It really proved to us why we were leaving - after 2 years, we had no connections or even real friendships there. 
We visited quite a few churches in our small town and the neighboring towns, but we were the youngest by 40 years sometimes!! lol Finally a friend invited us to their church and we've been going ever since. Even though it has roughly 12,000 members (in two locations), it still feels small and welcoming. That was so important for us. 

Sit down with your husband, see what things you are looking for in a church - preaching, music, and the children's area were our main things. We also wanted a place where we could dirty up our hands and serve. Once we narrowed down what we wanted, we looked at denominations we were willing to try and found churches within our area to visit. 

Like milovany said, take a deep breath! It'll be a big change, but you can do it! 

[AlisonK]

We were in the same situation three years ago. It was the only church I had ever been a part of, we got married there, had our children baptized there.  My oldest DS (14 at the time) had grown up there. We had been active members for 16 years. It was one of the the hardest decisions I had ever made. It was painful, like a divorce I suppose. We had issues with several things so it wasn't a happy good-bye. All that to tell you that it was, like the others have said, the best decision we ever made. We are in a much healthier church and have been blessed in more ways than I can count.

 

In the few weeks after we left, we visited other churches. It felt like we were lost, wandering in the dessert. I felt like I didn't have a home. Still, we had a great sense that God was with us, moving us and directing us. I was so thankful that it didn't take long to find another church and that everyone in our family agreed it was the right place.

 

I can totally understand  how sad and how scary this is for you. I think the thing that helped me was to know that if leaving was a mistake then God would bring us back. It also helped to just be sad, to grieve and to talk about it with people that understood. Slowly tears of sadness turned to tears of joy as we found a new church home and a new family. I still stay in touch with people I was close to at the other church. Good friends won't stop being friends just because you feel called to move on. Hang in there and I pray that you will be blessed for your courage to step out and trust God as He brings you to your new home. He already has it all planned so you don't need to worry.

 

[Caribbean Queen]

.

I can't fully put into words why we're leaving.  

 

.. we hired a new pastor, who I felt was the right one for the church but at the same time not meant to be our pastor.  Does that make any sense?

 

 

 

No. LOL

 

We left a church and it's members were sorry to see us go and even now, 5 years later hope we'll come back.  They miss seeing my kids growing up.  It's really disappointed them.

[Evergreen State Sue]

Our family switched churches twice.  The first one was hard because it was the church I attended when I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior, where I met my dh, where we married, and where our children were involved in church activities. I won't go into why we left, but we ended up leaving during the summer as there were fewer church activities then.  It made it hard to church shop during the summer, because most church programs work on a school scheduled.  I didn't realize how difficult it would be because you have to see if it is a good fit for the adults as well as the children.  We went to one church for two years, but then switched to the church my dh's parents went to because his mom was diagnosed with cancer and we wanted to be closer to her.  Little did we know she would live only two months after we started attending their church.  Sadly, his dad passed away 6 months later.  We found this church to be so loving and caring that we have stayed now for 9 years.  It is a smaller church than our first church.  Our children continued to attend Awana and other mid-week activities at the first church.  In a way, we are fortunate to have two churches to call home.

 

My best to you as you search for what fits your family's spiritual needs and where you may be of service to Him.

[milovany]

 

Then, about a year later, we hired a new pastor, who I felt was the right one for the church but at the same time not meant to be our pastor.  Does that make any sense?

 

 

I didn't see this clearly until someone else quoted it and replied ... it makes sense to me  In our tradition, some people will attend a certain parish, but they actually confess/counsel with the priest at another parish because they don't have a rapport with the priest at their parish (or for some other reason). Because the faith is the same from church to church, this can definitely make sense.  They are still living the Orthodox life, they just have a better pastoral relationship with a different priest. 

 

[texasmama]

(((hugs)))

 

We left a church after 15 years.  It was a long process.  I left mentally and emotionally several years before dh got on board.  When he finally agreed with me, he had a meeting with the pastor (with whom we had a personal relationship, and with his wife, as well) and told him we were leaving.  It took us about three months to find our current church.  Dh could not be happier.  It is a good fit for us and closer.  The fresh start is nice.  Our kids are fine. 

 

It will be okay.  (((hugs)))

 

ETA:  The years long personal relationship with the pastor and his wife has drifted away, and we don't see them or talk to them anymore.  They invest their time in their congregants.  It is inevitable, and we are accepting of this.

[HS Mom in NC]

I have a list of non-negotiable doctrines.  It's a very short, very specific list.  I email churches I'm considering asking them where they come down on those if it's not clear at their websites.  I also ask for a hard copy of their budgets (OH! MY! GOODNESS! The things you learn about a church's priorities by reading the budget!) their complete statement of  faith/what we teach document and whatever they call their church constitution/bylaws/policies. I also ask for the contact information of who was in charge of selecting the children's program curricula just in case they make it through the other stuff.

[PeacefulChaos]

Thanks, everyone.  :)

 

We hadn't told anyone that we were planning to leave.  It will definitely be noticed.  We have always been very involved, though over the last several months less so (not purposely, just sort of the way things happened, which I think was preparing us, too, in a way).

We both texted the heads of our departments (DH is one of the sound guys and a youth leader, and I'm a nursery worker and a greeter) last night and had them remove us from the schedule.  We didn't go into anything with them.  We don't believe in making a big hoopla about it - we believe in leaving quietly.  

I'm guessing that today at the office they all figured out that we both stepped out of everything.  I haven't seen DH yet today so Idk if he's heard from anyone about it - I haven't yet.  We won't be going to church tonight for the first time in... forever.  :P  It's so weird... I have SO many memories of the place and the people.  It's hard to imagine life differently, though what I'm remembering isn't the same as how I feel about it now, if that makes sense.

 

Anyway, thanks again.  We still haven't decided where we'll attend church this coming Sunday.  It's difficult for us because both of us have been the same 'denomination' (for lack of a better word, though that's not what they consider themselves) our entire lives and there are no other churches of that denomination anywhere near us.  Not to say we're married to the idea of remaining in it, but I will be honest and say my knowledge of different denominations is minimal so I don't even know what churches around us believe what we do.  So it's going to be interesting.  We're also in a rural community and the biggest church around is the one we have just left, and there are very few other churches with the opportunities to get involved that we'd prefer.  So we'll also need to decide how far we're willing to travel in any direction to find a church that suits us.

 

It's a big change!

[Southern Ivy]

Anyway, thanks again.  We still haven't decided where we'll attend church this coming Sunday.  It's difficult for us because both of us have been the same 'denomination' (for lack of a better word, though that's not what they consider themselves) our entire lives and there are no other churches of that denomination anywhere near us.  Not to say we're married to the idea of remaining in it, but I will be honest and say my knowledge of different denominations is minimal so I don't even know what churches around us believe what we do.  So it's going to be interesting.  We're also in a rural community and the biggest church around is the one we have just left, and there are very few other churches with the opportunities to get involved that we'd prefer.  So we'll also need to decide how far we're willing to travel in any direction to find a church that suits us.

 

My husband and I were raised in two different denominations. I was raised Independent Baptist; he was raised VERY strict Pentecostal. Through trial and error, we ended up at an Assemblies of God church that feels more non-denominational. It's not anything that I would have considered trying 4 years ago, but it has been a fantastic change for our family. 

 

Since you admittedly don't have a lot of knowledge concerning denominations, do as Homeschool Mom in AZ suggested and request their information. If you need clarification, email them or call them and I'm sure they'd be happy to provide that information. 

 

I will say, we were in the same location issue that you are currently in. We had wanted to stay within a 20 minute drive. Now, we drive an hour to get to church and just plan our "big city" errands accordingly (kill two birds with one stone type thing). We don't notice the drive as much now because we love attending so much. :) 

[Jennifer132]

I'm sure it's not easy leaving when you are so involved in a church. We have had several families leave recently, and I can tell you I really, really appreciated the families that at least told us they were leaving. At least then I knew where they were and could pray for them going forward.

[PrincessMommy]

hugs to you.  It can be a big changing event in our family's life.

 

This is my Reader's Digest version of events:

 

When we left our first church after 13yrs it was hard in some ways, but not in others.  We had known our pastor from before we were even dating so we had a lot of history together.  As we did with many of the members... but the church physically moved and we lost several of the people we had been closest to because of geography.  We also had the feeling of "it's time".   The one thing I regret was that we never had a good sit-down with our pastor.  We definitely dropped the ball on that and if I could go back I would do that differently.

 

The next church we left I had only been there about 18months (I left before dh and the family).  The pastor was much much more hands-off.  Preacher rather than a pastor, if you KWIM.  So, I felt no real obligation to speak with him.

 

The final church was more like the first.  Close-knit... he was our pastor.  So when I knew I needed to leave (and completely leave Protestantism altogether) I did go talk with him about it and he gave me his blessing.  It helped that the issues weren't really about that particular parish or that I had issues with my pastor.  That would have made for a much more difficult discussion.  It was still hard (I hate confrontation of any kind), but I'm glad I did it.  We knew where we both stood.  He didn't have to question why we disappeared and we didn't leave any loose ends.  I've seen him once or twice since, and he's always been very kind.

 

Anyway, the takeaway from my experience is I would encourage you to talk with your pastor...not to get permission, but to at least get his understanding, and perhaps blessing.

[milovany]

Blessings to you as you make your decisions.  When we changed churches six years ago, we did a complete 180 degree turn from non-denominational, completely independent, charismatic type churches to a highly liturgical, very old church that's connected to myriads of other local churches throughout time and geography. We found it delightfully refreshing, eye-opening and life changing in regard to our faith/salvation.  So as you search, maybe consider things that are something you wouldn't have previously considered!  Not saying Orthodoxy specifically, but just that what could be great for you is something you currently wouldn't have considered. 

[Garga]

We had to go church shopping when the pastor of our tiny independent church died.  It was tricky finding a place.  We spent a year at a stop-gap church.  They were nice, but it wasn't "home."  It wasn't until we moved an hour away that we found a church we adored.

 

We've been there 11 years now and unfortunately, I'm not feeling the love as much.  It's not a bad church, but it's just not what I want anymore.  I've changed and the church has changed and we're too different now.  I want to be ready to leave, but I don't think we're ready just yet.  But I hope that we are ready to go soon.  

 

If we do go, I'm not looking forward to searching again, but maybe it will be like last time: we'll eventually find something we love.  

[shawthorne44]

I never would have thought to ask for the budget.  Interesting idea.

 

We are moving 40 minutes away in a couple of weeks.  Technically we don't have to change churches, but that is a long drive.  I was baptized Episcopalian, and I've been Episcopalian since then.  There was always an Episcopalian/Anglican church nearby.  When I'd move, I'd check out the nearest one, and like it.  The current one has been the best, by far though.  Where we are moving to doesn't have any Episcopalian churches.  I don't think that God can only been found in Episcopal churches, but having the options be only limited by Protestant makes it scary.  

 

There are several non-denominational churches.  Which is fine if they are the non-denominational Christian variety.  But, a few years after college I was a bridesmaid for a friend I'd drifted away from.  The ceremony was non-denominational of the type that thinks the Unitarian "No more than one god" is too restrictive.   I'll feel a little silly asking "Do you believe in Christ?  How many gods?"  But, I now know that even in Texas you can't assume these things.  

[shawthorne44]

I have a list of non-negotiable doctrines.  It's a very short, very specific list.  I email churches I'm considering asking them where they come down on those if it's not clear at their websites.  I also ask for a hard copy of their budgets (OH! MY! GOODNESS! The things you learn about a church's priorities by reading the budget!) their complete statement of  faith/what we teach document and whatever they call their church constitution/bylaws/policies. I also ask for the contact information of who was in charge of selecting the children's program curricula just in case they make it through the other stuff.

 

What kind of things have you seen in the budgets?  What should I watch out for?

[HS Mom in NC]

I watch for proportion. Don't tell me your church cares about the poor and needy when a tiny sliver of your budget goes there.  Don't tell me you're a good steward of God's money when you have huge operating costs, pay very high salaries and have debt.  Don't tell me you care about reaching the world for Christ with the gospel when you spend all kinds of money on entertaining the converted and maintaining buildings used a couple of times a week for half the day.  The vast majority of churches in America are terribly hypocritical in these areas when you look at their budgets.  I'm stunned most people aren't ashamed to hand me most of the budgets I've seen.

 

Think back to the early church.  Think about what Scripture says to individuals and the church about money and priorities.  It doesn't much resemble most American churches, does it? I believe faith should be applied to all aspects of every day life, not just felt or spoken.

[Anne in CA]

The budget thing is a big deal. For a long time as our old church struggled dh would ask for permission to access the money we were spending to make a chart of where we were really spending money. He finally got the chance, and low and behold the leadership was complaining about how much money they were spending on children's ministries, but it was only fifteen percent of the budget. They were complaining about buying four new $3 plastic chairs from Big Lots, lol. The amount of money they were spending on hospitality for the pastoral staff was horrifying in perspective. A sixty dollar lunch for the pastor and church treasurer to review the checkbook every month for example, but any money spent on kids had to be reviewed to the point of silliness. 

 

When we got to our new church we were holding our first tithe check and the pastor said that if you made a graph of how the church spends money you would see children's ministry gets the most money, staff salary second, ect and we knew it was the right church. Where you spend you money is what you really believe in.

[PrincessMommy]

I watch for proportion. Don't tell me your church cares about the poor and needy when a tiny sliver of your budget goes there.  Don't tell me you're a good steward of God's money when you have huge operating costs, pay very high salaries and have debt.  Don't tell me you care about reaching the world for Christ with the gospel when you spend all kinds of money on entertaining the converted and maintaining buildings used a couple of times a week for half the day.  The vast majority of churches in America are terribly hypocritical in these areas when you look at their budgets.  I'm stunned most people aren't ashamed to hand me most of the budgets I've seen.

 

Think back to the early church.  Think about what Scripture says to individuals and the church about money and priorities.  It doesn't much resemble most American churches, does it? I believe faith should be applied to all aspects of every day life, not just felt or spoken.

 

I'm not sure all of that would really reflect how the church functions, esp. when it comes to charitable giving.  We take up a lot of extra special offerings for things throughout the year (missionaries, local shelters)... we also do a lot of "under the table" stuff- meaning I, along with several others, get a grocery store gift card and we distribute them via a local charity or to needy families in our own parish.  I know people give gift-cards to our priest throughout the year to distribute when someone calls with a need.   We also have a food pantry that is soley run on donations, so no money from our parish goes to it directly.   Surely, our church is not the only one that does this sort of thing.  I'm not sure everything we do would make into the line-item on the budget.

 

but it's certainly a very good starting point and a great idea! 

[kbutton]

I watch for proportion. Don't tell me your church cares about the poor and needy when a tiny sliver of your budget goes there.  Don't tell me you're a good steward of God's money when you have huge operating costs, pay very high salaries and have debt.  Don't tell me you care about reaching the world for Christ with the gospel when you spend all kinds of money on entertaining the converted and maintaining buildings used a couple of times a week for half the day. 

 

Now, there are churches that are struggling for reasons that aren't really about their priorities, but I think this is a great way to look at things.

 

Our current church is fairly large, and they talk about this kind of stuff from the pulpit a lot--they feel responsible to keep the congregation informed. They also tend to do things kind of outside the box relative to how other churches in our denomination do things (they fund not only denominational mission work, but work with organizations outside of our denomination), and they want to be sure people understand how they fund things and what proportion of money from each offering goes to the various types of work (local, state, national, international, inside the denomination, outside the denomination, etc.). They've recently developed a very nice infographic that helps a great deal.

 

I think looking at the long-range use of funds is also valuable--our church often has an idea of what it might do next if offerings increase and/or something is paid off that frees up money in the budget.

 

It can also be nice to know what "hang-ups" (not the best word) the church has about money. Some churches are really worried about tying every dollar directly to a conversion and baptism, and others recognize that some ministries take a lot of time, money, and effort before relationships are established--some crowds are just tough, and you have to demonstrate commitment. 

[HS Mom in NC]

I'm not sure all of that would really reflect how the church functions, esp. when it comes to charitable giving.  We take up a lot of extra special offerings for things throughout the year (missionaries, local shelters)... we also do a lot of "under the table" stuff- meaning I, along with several others, get a grocery store gift card and we distribute them via a local charity or to needy families in our own parish.  I know people give gift-cards to our priest throughout the year to distribute when someone calls with a need.   We also have a food pantry that is soley run on donations, so no money from our parish goes to it directly.   Surely, our church is not the only one that does this sort of thing.  I'm not sure everything we do would make into the line-item on the budget.

 

but it's certainly a very good starting point and a great idea! 

 

I would expect those things to go in the budget.  By budget I mean "The record of where everything of monetary value coming in goes." Churches that aren't keeping track of all that are places I wouldn't attend.

 

To demonstrate how different local churches can be on this,  the last church I went to chose not to have paid staff (the 4 elders, one of whom was the senior pastor,and  the different people who handled different administrative and church office type responsibilities were all unpaid volunteers) or their own building (we rented the gym at the local Christian School) so far more funds could go to the needy in the church, locally and abroad and supporting missionaries preaching all over the world.  I considered it honorable to have to put away my folding chair.  I'd be willing to sit on the floor, so I'm a tough customer on that one. They began business meetings that had requests for money with the same question, "Where in the Bible, does it say the church should spend money  on this?" You were expected to be able to point to chapter and verse if you were asking for access to church funds. Any woman who did not have a husband in her home was on the "widow's list" and was assigned an elder to contact her regularly if she had any needs the church could meet. 

 

I left that church over bad doctrine on a particular topic, which I considered a debatable issue,  that managed to come up every. single. Sunday. no matter what part of the Bible we were in for a year. My issue was not where they came down on it, but insisting that all believers had to come down on the same side or they weren't really believers.

 

For example: a couple of months ago I attended a church that had a $2 million dollar annual budget for staff but spent only $10,000 annually on their benevolence fund (people in need.) Their budget for visual media was over $30,000 annually. There were no other categories of a charitable nature. Even the kids' curriculum costs were more than the benevolence fund.   How!? Why!?   Not the church for me. I'm OK with the preacher having a Bible in a field of people sitting on blankets for services.  I'll bring my own folding chair. They can use those funds for people in physical or spiritual need. 

[milovany]

I kinda disagree that it's so very cut and dried.  "Fancy church = bad."  I even see a Scripture where Jesus himself rebukes people who get all over a woman for "wasting" money on him when (as they said) the money could have been given to the poor.  She was involved in a sacrament of the church -- anointing his body for burial; He blessed her work.  Providing for the services, sacraments and life of the church is not wasteful.   The church is called Christ's Body and also His Holy Bride; it's pretty clear with this terminology that through the Church, we're blessing/worshiping Him. This is not extravagant. 

 

You're welcome to critique churches however you'd like, I do respect that, I'm not going to try and correct/stop you.  I just don't think this approach is the only way to go about seeking a church, that's all (and thing personal, just not something I agree with).

[Teannika]

I think that the issue of how money is spent by a church will also relate to how a person views the early church setup.

[krsmom]

This quiz might be helpful to you and your husband.

 

http://www.selectsmart.com/FREE/select.php?client=christiandenom

 

[kiwik]

Our church is used every day. We even have another church using it on Sunday afternoons. But a budget is a good idea - you won't be happy if you have majorly different priotities.

[J-rap]

We changed churches about 10 years ago.  It was hard to do, because it really was a lovely church with lovely people.  Our kids had grown up there and there were a lot of great things about it.

 

But, people evolve and their faith evolves, and sometimes it's time to move on.  For us, it was mostly for our kids.  The church had this weird thing about it that whenever a child hit high school age, they dropped out of church events and parents just expected it and were okay with it.  We wanted a church that was active for our children all the way through high school.  This became a real priority for us.  So, we moved to a church (that actually felt just as comfortable, and had many homeschool families) that had a very active teen group which our kids loved.

 

We made sure to tell our closest friends at our old church why we were leaving.  We focused on the positive.  For example, we didn't say we were leaving because the church had a lousy way of encouraging teens --- haha.  We said we were leaving and that it was a hard step, but our kids were really looking forward to being part of a teen group and we felt we this needed to be our priority right now.  We also wrote a letter to the congregation thanking them for so many things, and again, trying to be positive.

 

In truth there were a few other reasons why we left too, but we felt no need to bring it up. 

 

We live in a small town and new we'd be running into people from our old church everywhere.

[Laurie4b]

Leaving quietly does not have to mean slipping away where people have to figure out that you're gone.

 

You say that these relationships mean a lot to you: you love the people. But you are not being upfront with them about what is happening. You're leaving it up to them to figure it out. You may feel like that's leaving quietly, but I think it's going to actually stir up more angst than if you tell the appropriate people in a kind way. I think people leaving vastly underestimate the impact on the people they have left because, being realistic, you won't be seeing them as much anymore, or maybe even at all. It's a loss for them, too if you care about each other.  I think it's appropriate to let leaders and people you've been close with know in person. Otherwise, they won't know why, so they'll try to figure it out. Given the timing, it's going to look like your feelings were hurt because the musicals are cancelled.

 

Analogously, you might think of break-ups you've experienced yourself or heard about. Was breaking up more hurtful or less when the guy was just up front about it versus when you had to figure it out because he just stopped calling? If the relationships are valuable to you, and you said that they are, I would encourage you to care well for those relationships as you leave. The best break-ups are when the guy says what a nice person you are but he thinks it's not a good match. Much more respectful and dignified than him not calling. Does this make sense?

 

 

[flyingiguana]

I slipped away and I don't think anyone noticed until about a year had gone by.  And then a couple people mentioned they hadn't seen me.  Not much attempt to figure out why I was no longer there.  When I mentioned that I just didn't feel like I belonged, one of these people suggested I talk to the pastor.  I guess she didn't realize that the pastor was one of my major problems.  He either didn't like me or didn't notice I existed.  And he was happy to have it that way.

 

I was looking for a place that was into giving to the poor and helping those in need and all that.  And I wanted a place that worked to make its own congregation grow and be part of things.  And this place really was that for a long time -- until we got a new pastor.  The old pastor probably didn't believe in God or the Bible much -- and was very upfront about it.  The new guy (as far as I can tell) doesn't believe it either BUT he is very interested in making sure everyone thinks he believes it.  AND he seems to feel that that's the only reason a church has for existing.  It isn't there so much to help the needy and make its own congregation into better people.

 

Plus, all the music just went downhill and they're no longer doing any of the things we used to participate in.  In fact, they're not doing much of anything participatory.  It's more of "sit in this pew and pay your dues" kind of church now.  And when I look back at what they were doing that was participatory before I left, just about all of it was being done by... me.  And I quit doing things because no one was showing up anymore.

 

There are one or two things that still happen every so often that I wasn't in charge of, although our family was definitely part of.  However, someone had gone on an "outreach" kick, which meant they didn't really want old members participating anymore.  They just wanted to get new people in.  Who then didn't stay past the fun event.

 

I have heard that attendance at that church is way way down.  

 

Sometimes it is just time to leave.

[Mbelle]

It is hard.  I have no good advice.  I hope you land somewhere quickly.

We left our church of 15 years and it was hard, sad and bit angry too actually.

 

We have been visiting churches for 6 months.  There really aren't a lot of options for us.  We are the kind of introverts who seem outgoing and sociable, but really visiting church is exhausting.  If we had to go to a church social event that would just be even more exhausting, but I feel like that is an important aspect too.

Having older children adds another layer of difficulty. 

[PeacefulChaos]

Leaving quietly does not have to mean slipping away where people have to figure out that you're gone.

 

You say that these relationships mean a lot to you: you love the people. But you are not being upfront with them about what is happening. You're leaving it up to them to figure it out. You may feel like that's leaving quietly, but I think it's going to actually stir up more angst than if you tell the appropriate people in a kind way. I think people leaving vastly underestimate the impact on the people they have left because, being realistic, you won't be seeing them as much anymore, or maybe even at all. It's a loss for them, too if you care about each other.  I think it's appropriate to let leaders and people you've been close with know in person. Otherwise, they won't know why, so they'll try to figure it out. Given the timing, it's going to look like your feelings were hurt because the musicals are cancelled.

 

Analogously, you might think of break-ups you've experienced yourself or heard about. Was breaking up more hurtful or less when the guy was just up front about it versus when you had to figure it out because he just stopped calling? If the relationships are valuable to you, and you said that they are, I would encourage you to care well for those relationships as you leave. The best break-ups are when the guy says what a nice person you are but he thinks it's not a good match. Much more respectful and dignified than him not calling. Does this make sense?

 

I do see what you are saying.  I guess I just don't see what we're doing as slipping away unnoticed... the people who need to know know.  Many of the people who I remember fondly have already left (not left the church the way we are, but have moved away for other reasons).  I can't think of anyone that I won't still see here and there at other things around town, and I don't think it will be weird or awkward or anything like that to see them.  

Idk.  Over the course of the last year or so we had already been taking a bit of a step back for completely unrelated reasons: I could no longer do worship team because of the schedule, there were other things that we didn't participate in or that we weren't able to make it to because of other things that were coming up (I took a part time job which, for awhile, had me working during events at church; Pink had dance class during the monthly women's meeting and we only have one car) - our priorities had just shifted a bit, not in a bad way.  But as I look back I think that worked out well, because by now we were in a place that was 'easy' to step out from, rather than being someone that was heavily relied on.  

I can't really think of why it would be anyone's business that we are leaving or why.  I don't mean that in a rude way... the backstory is that my IL's left a few years ago, very loudly, and took people with them.  I didn't feel like it was the way to do things.  It wasn't pretty.  Since our own faith is such a personal decision I don't see why it needs to be shared with others at random.  (I'm hoping that's not coming across harsh.  I don't mean it that way.)  I just think it's more private and I have a hard time with the idea of just telling people when it isn't really something they need to know.  *shrug*

We are not particularly close to the pastor.  Were it the former pastor, who we were close to, we would have gone and talked to him.  There was some consideration of talking to this one, and it's not that either of us was against the idea, but we just didn't really see the point.  DH is having lunch with the music pastor tomorrow.  We had just gotten a new children's pastor who I barely knew, so there were really no 'ties' there anyway.  Again, had it been the former children's pastor (DH's best friend from the teenage years, and his wife is currently one of my best friends, though now they live in another state!) it would have been different.  DH is good friends with the youth pastor and I don't believe it's come up yet.  The women at my Bible study know - 3 of them still attend there.  One already knew, from back when we were considering it.  The others I told tonight.  As far as other friends go, Idk, it never really crossed my mind to bring it up in conversation because I just didn't think it was that important.  They'll still be my friends either way, whether we go to the same church or not.  

Our extended family - okay, my ILs - don't know, either.  I'd rather leave it that way as long as possible.  My grandparents knew we were thinking of leaving.

I'm sure the last paragraph makes it sound like we're against the so-called 'regime change' and that's not the case, either.  I really do like all of them, though I don't know them all that well, but I just know it's not where we belong anymore.  Because we have been in the church and active for so many years, I know that there will be people asking why we left and stuff like that.  My answer can only be what I said just now - it's just not where we belong right now.  I can't even guarantee that we won't end up back there in a few months or years - who knows?  But we just know that right now, it is what it is.  

 

I actually have never had a breakup.  :P  But I think we've been pretty straightforward through our entire time at our church, and I think that leaving without making a big deal of it will be much more appreciated than making a big to do... which, in the end, is what would have happened had we told people in advance that we were leaving.  In towns like ours, the gossip chain really carries 'news' fast.  ;)