do you ever get tired of

[HollyDay]

being the one to call.  being the one to invite. being the one to reach out? 

 

I can't remember the last time someone called and asked me to meet them for coffee, or lunch at the park, or some such.  I'm always the one doing the calling. 

 

 

 

 

[Guest]

Yep.  At least now that I have moved back near my family, people actually want to spend time and make the effort.

[Dad 4 Boys]

This probably seems weird coming from a man, but I feel the same way.  Other than business contacts, it seems that I never go to lunch or do much of anything with anyone unless I initiate it.  The business invites are nice because they almost always pick up the tab.   

[Rachel]

:(

 

I'm sorry. I've felt the same way, but keep inviting anyway.

[lexi]

Yes. My hubby and I were just discussing this two days ago. I'm feeling frustrated. I keep reaching out but wonder if I didn't if people would never call us again.

[fraidycat]

Yep. So, I stopped being "the one".

 

It's true that REAL friends are few and far. I prefer to focus my time and attention there.

[Tiramisu]

Well, to be honest, I'm very, very thankful for people like you. I get so caught up in the day to day and feel so swamped most of the time that I don't think to come up with ideas for doing things and make invitations. It's people like you who reach out and make life special for the rest of us who can't seem to mentally get beyond what's right in front of their faces. I understand it's not fair, but it doesn't mean you and your thoughtfulness are not appreciated. 

 

[marbel]

Yes.  Sometimes I feel like we are invisible to people and only come into their line of vision when we reach out to them.   What's weird is that people seem to enjoy coming to our house when we invite them.   I mean, people will stay for hours and we're not holding them down and making them stay. So we must be OK.   But then they seem to forget us again. 

 

Maybe they're just coming for the booze. 

[AK_Mom4]

Like above, I am grateful for folks like you.  DD13's best friend has a mom who is willing to do all the inviting.  To be fair, we have a very flexible schedule thanks to homeschooling and the friend is in public school with lots of activities.  I can't keep track of when she is available, but Friend's Mom is great about letting us know when they have a break and inviting DD over.

 

In return, I am the totally reliable backup person - snow day from school but you can't get off work?  No problem, she can spend the day with us!  Need a ride to something?  Absolutely!  I'll come pick her up.

 

Her mom is a good friend for me too, but our lives run at different paces.

[Tess in the Burbs]

I have felt this way a long time.  But I am learning that some people just don't think about those things. Invite and they come every time.  I stopped calling people for awhile.  They didn't call me.  But when I got back in touch they wanted to get together.  Just accept you are the glue to these connections.  I learned not to take it personally.   And the positive is I get to plan things my way more often lol 

[HS Mom in NC]

There are multiple current threads on this. 

 

http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/topic/533022-theres-something-wrong-with-me/

 

http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/topic/532205-a-change-in-the-homeschool-movement-since-i-started-13-years-ago/


I think it's time American homeschoolers shifted their expectations.  If you want something to happen you have to make it happen yourself.  It's the new normal.

[Arcadia]

How is your schedule like? Before this school year, the only time I can do a meetup without my kids are when they are in summer camp. So we have to match calendars for a "mommy's day out".

The last few years, I didn't get any invite for Starbucks/Peets because I would need to bring my kids along and their kids are in public/private schools. Weekends everyone was just busy with activities.

[Mrs Mungo]

A while ago I read an article on various types of people...hmm...maybe it was in a Malcolm Gladwell book? It was talking about people who are networkers?

 

Ah, found it! Connectors is the word I was looking for.

 

http://www.productiveflourishing.com/maven-connector-or-salesperson-whats-your-archetype/

 

I would say that I'm in the Maven category. BUT, because of my lifestyle I often have to play the part of salesperson or connector, but those roles don't fit me as well. We move a lot. I often encounter situations where everyone is comfortable with their own family and friend groups. I have to give them a *reason* to fit me into their lives. Doing things like offering classes or groups or volunteering or inviting people places VERY often usually helps me make those connections. Once I am entrenched in a new group, then I do get invites, etc. BUT, I have to work for it for a while (as in, I work at it regularly for 6 months or more) before that happens. Are you placing yourself in a position to see people regularly for several months, making small talk, inviting them out, etc? It just isn't an easy thing to persuade people into making room for you. It would be nice if it was easier. We're having a hard time right now because we have a lot of issues that have prevented me from playing those parts, and we're feeling the isolation as a result. :/ But, I just don't think it can be helped right now.

[Peaceful Isle]

My kids would have zero friends, and zero life if I didn't reach out. Seriously.

 

I feel, with very few exceptions, that I have always been that "reach out" girl as well. 

 

[Lisbeth]

Ooo interesting, Mrs Mungo. I am very much a Maven. On MB I am an INTJ.

[Mrs Mungo]

Ooo interesting, Mrs Mungo. I am very much a Maven. On MB I am an INTJ.

I'm an ENTP, but I'm barely an E. I like hanging out with people, but not strangers or giant groups.

[HS Mom in NC]

 

 

 

True in business, not true in friendship. Relationships can not be one sided or they cease to be relationships. It has nothing to do with homeschooling or not. Homeschoolers don't have a corner on the human loneliness market.

 

 

 

 

While I agree with that in theory, theory is little comfort in the face of cold hard reality.  I'm not talking about how things should be or how I want them to be or what I wish they will become some glorious day. Having to initiate social interactions in the homeschooling community (and most church and other social communities I personally come into contact with) is how it is for better or for worse.  You can not like it and explain how it should be and lament how it's not how it should be and be absolutely right.  However, if you want to actually connect with people on a regular basis, you'll have to do the reaching out, planning and scheduling.  That's how it is.  It's not fair but that's not going to throw me because my mamma told me life isn't fair. Adapt to how it is and you won't be lonely.  Refuse to adapt to a proactive approach and you'll spend most of your days waiting for invitations that aren't coming.  I know plenty of people think I'm a mean nasty person by telling them to adjust their expectations because social norms have changed, but those who do are happier and more content, so in the end, isn't that the nicest thing to do?

[Ellie]

Yup, that would be me. I'm kind of burned out on the whole entertaining thing, which makes me really sad. :-(

 

Does no one except Mr. Ellie and me have birthday parties, or anniversaries, or Christmas dinners, or backyard cookouts? Must be so, because we are never invited to anyone else's. Hmph.

[justme824]

Yep. So I quit. I'm not good with being the glue when I know they are reaching out to other people, just leaving us out. That hurts.

[Tsuga]

I don't reach out. :(

 

I try to be the glue but I'm too scatterbrained. I know I need to do better and I try, I really do. I just feel like I hardly spend enough time with my family.

 

I don't want to leave people hanging or depend on them but when I try to do stuff it doesn't seem to work out.

 

Maybe I'll call my friend and see if we can do something right now.

[Cafdog]

I hear you.  While I love being the "hub", it's frustrating to feel like the onus is always on me.  

 

We moved about 45 minutes from our old home this summer.  I was always "that" person who threw the big Halloween parties, and gathered friends and neighbors for informal get-togethers.  Since our move, I have been lonely, and assumed that all of our old family friends were getting together without us.

 

 However, I've discovered that in our absence, nobody is getting together at all!  Guess I really was the glue!  :lol:  We only have our get-togethers now when I call and round up everybody.

 

I'm comforted that we are not being left out of things....but jeez, people!  Doesn't anyone have any sort of social initiative????

[Guest]

Yep. So I quit. I'm not good with being the glue when I know they are reaching out to other people, just leaving us out. That hurts.

 

Exactly.  

 

I am not an unpleasant person, and I would do anything for anyone that needed it.  I have had people tell me over and over that we need to get together, yet they never seem to have the time.  But they have plenty of time to go out with the others that are closer to their social class, and post all over Facebook about it.  It is hurtful when you would do things for others at their convenience, but it never goes the other way.  

[marbel]

Exactly.  

 

I am not an unpleasant person, and I would do anything for anyone that needed it.  I have had people tell me over and over that we need to get together, yet they never seem to have the time.  But they have plenty of time to go out with the others that are closer to their social class, and post all over Facebook about it.  It is hurtful when you would do things for others at their convenience, but it never goes the other way.  

 

This is one of the problems of living life on Facebook.  My mother always taught me not to talk about social events with people who could be but were not invited.    As far as I knew growing up, that was an "etiquette rule" and it made sense to me.  But some people I know put every event up on Facebook.   I have to admit that it's hard to see a photo of a bunch of friends at, say, a local pub, and not wonder why I didn't make the cut to get invited, especially if they are people I've invited out or have had at my house. 

 

But, whatever.  I still invite people and put aside the hard feelings about it.  And I don't hang out on facebook too much! 

[AimeeM]

Well, to be honest, I'm very, very thankful for people like you. I get so caught up in the day to day and feel so swamped most of the time that I don't think to come up with ideas for doing things and make invitations. It's people like you who reach out and make life special for the rest of us who can't seem to mentally get beyond what's right in front of their faces. I understand it's not fair, but it doesn't mean you and your thoughtfulness are not appreciated. 

First, OP, *hugs*.

Second, I so agree with Tiramisu. I get so frenzied, and am so absent minded at times, that I often forget to relax and just breathe. I have a friend like you, and she's one of my favorite people ever - she doesn't LET me forget to just lean back and enjoy life sometimes. 

[KungFuPanda]

I got tired/busy and stopped being the social coordinator. I found that my friends DID get around to initiating things . . . but that little voice that says 'it's time to plan an event' goes off MUCH less frequently in other people. If someone else makes plans long before your friends get the urge to do so, their needs are met without doing the planning. It doesn't mean they like you less or don't enjoy your time together. Some people get the urge to plan an event weekly and others only get it quarterly, if that. Try not to get offended. They probably love you enough to go out more than they feel naturally inclined to do so :-)

[babs]

I was forever the one doing the inviting when my boys were young. And it was worth it - they have lifelong friendships in all likelihood. But I am over it now. I leave it up to them to get together with those friends. I didn't get invited by people to do anything until my kids have gotten older - now I have lots of invites. I turn them down half the time, because, when it comes down to it, I want to have memories with my family. And as my oldest gets ready to leave home, I can see how fast it goes. Not getting invited forced me to look inward to my husband and kids. It has paid great dividends. I have a great time with them. And I pursued interests of my own as well.

 

Lonely? At times; but then I choose to be a friend by calling someone for coffee. (I don't want to put all of the pressure for my social needs on my husband or kids either!) It also made me take a good look at who I was spending time with - who are those friends that were a DRAIN on my time and energy (asking me to take their kids or talking on and on about their lives without asking me about mine constantly)? I eliminated those time wasters from my "social" time. I still help those people occasionally, but I no longer look to them for some girl time when I want to connect. I realized that I was reaching out because I wanted to connect, but all I really ended up doing was "ministering" to them. Ministry is great, but reconnecting is important too. Less is more now when it comes to girlfriend time. I wish I had chosen more wisely when I was younger.

 

I think it is also important to remember that having little ones is a busy and demanding season. It is hard to invite others into the chaos! I would have worried less about play dates if I could do it over - just be home with my littles. And I would invite kids without the moms - let the kids play while you relax or get some laundry done so you can have fun with hubby later! And my hubby is so great - he often got the short end of my energy stick. Why was I chasing other friends when I was SOOO busy with our littles? I should have been saving my time and energy for my hunk. The moms can stay all afternoon sucking up reserve time and energy (as they sit across the table telling you all of their problems) that could have been used to host a fun gathering at another time...This way you can still invite those great kids without the younger siblings that you may not want to have in your home and it is a bit more free for you in the long run - that is my experience and hindsight.

 

 

 

Hope this helps!

 

 

 

 

[Luanne]

This is probably why the only people I ever do anything with are my daughter (and her friend), my mother, and my sister.  All the other "friends" I had would never call me first and quite often would bail on me before we got together anyway.  I'm kind of a lone wolf anyway, so I am content to just spend time alone or with my family.  I do wish I had at least one good friend I could have intelligent conversations with though... not that I can't with my daughter and mother.

[Slojo]

 

 

[Slojo]

There are multiple current threads on this. 

 

http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/topic/533022-theres-something-wrong-with-me/

 

http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/topic/532205-a-change-in-the-homeschool-movement-since-i-started-13-years-ago/

 

 

I think it's time American homeschoolers shifted their expectations.  If you want something to happen you have to make it happen yourself.  It's the new normal.

 

I don't get this. Do you now have to be the entire relationship "to make it happen?" This isn't a lean business proposal for a start-up or a Hollywood movie deal. This is about supposedly mutual relationships, and just basic human courtesy. I do get that sometimes I'm the less busy of the two parties involved, so maybe I have more time to be the initiator or the host -- although with homeschooling, three kids under 9, a not quite full-time, but so-not-halftime job that includes occasional travel, and a move to a new city, I'd put a $20 bet on my schedule up against anybody's. 

 

I also get that I might be the more outgoing of the parties involved, although I scored a 39 on that introvert/extrovert scale, so shouldn't at least some people be more outgoing than me? 

 

 

[J-rap]

If you enjoy getting together with others and they seem to enjoy it too and are kind and appreciative, then I think you just have to realize that for some reason it's very hard for some people to do the inviting, and try not to take it personally.  If you're not enjoying it anymore and it feels more like an obligation, or if they are not kind and appreciative, then I'd stop.  I don't think it has much to do with one person being more busy than another though.  Some people are just the type to take initiative, and others aren't.