Really, it sounds worse than it is.... (for fun)

[AMJ]

"Don't disturb Grandpa.  He's watching a commercial."

 

 

Said by DH to DD13, who was trying to show off her new stuffed kitten while Grandpa was watching a demo of a product in which he and DH area both interested.

 

 

Anyone else?  :w00t: :bigear:

 

 

Though in retrospect, the fact that I TWICE went back to that to correct the grammar (instead of letting the colloquialisms stand) might qualify me now for the "grammar police" badge....

[Chris in VA]

I'm...I'm not sure what you mean.

[Slache]

"I have a scorpion. It's dead."-John, maybe 2, referencing his awesome necklace

[Jean in Newcastle]

"I'll come help you with your math in a minute.  Daddy needs to shoot me."  (Dh gives me shots.)

[Chris in VA]

Oh my gosh, what in the world am I missing? I have no idea what this thread is about. Pls explain to this Aspie!

 

I don't find anything funny or wrong or whatever in the statement your dh said.

[Slache]

Oh my gosh, what in the world am I missing? I have no idea what this thread is about. Pls explain to this Aspie!

 

I don't find anything funny or wrong or whatever in the statement your dh said.

 

What we're saying can easily be misinterpreted as something bad, like our husbands shooting us.

[KRG]

I get Jean's but the others are lost on me too...

[chocolatechip]

I get Jean's but the others are lost on me too...

This. . .

[AMJ]

I'm...I'm not sure what you mean.

 

Who would normally complain about "disturbing" someone during a commercial?  Usually people don't get upset about that.

 

 

What have you said or heard that can sound worse when taken out of context (preferably humorous examples, since this is for fun)?  My favorite so far is the "Daddy needs to shoot me" response!

 

It's all just a form of word play.  Punny people tend to find this sort of stuff amusing.  My family and I are incorrigible in this regard.

[DragonFaerie]

DS: Mom, what's the red stuff in the refrigerator?

 

Me:  Oh, that's DD's blood.

 

DS: Okay.  What do we have to eat?

 

 

DD is an amateur special effects makeup artist in training.  She made some "blood" and keeps it in a..... get this.... a squirt bottle in the 'fridge.  :D

[KRG]

I know puns... I'm thinking something is lost in translation here

[AMJ]

DS: Mom, what's the red stuff in the refrigerator?

 

Me:  Oh, that's DD's blood.

 

DS: Okay.  What do we have to eat?

 

 

DD is an amateur special effects makeup artist in training.  She made some "blood" and keeps it in a..... get this.... a squirt bottle in the 'fridge.   :D

 

Oh, dear.  Let's not confuse that one with my DD10's joke squirt ketchup bottle, shall we?

[DragonFaerie]

Oh, dear.  Let's not confuse that one with my DD10's joke squirt ketchup bottle, shall we?

 

No worries.  The "blood" is made with all edible ingredients.  Wouldn't be tasty, but it is edible. LOL...

[AMJ]

I know puns... I'm thinking something is lost in translation here

 

Could be.  If you don't get it that's okay.  Some of us are weird enough that other weirdos don't get us.  :D   I found it funny and thought I'd go looking for others with a similar sense of humor.

[AMJ]

No worries.  The "blood" is made with all edible ingredients.  Wouldn't be tasty, but it is edible. LOL...

 

Might be fun at Halloween!  Does it wash out of fabric?

[DragonFaerie]

Might be fun at Halloween!  Does it wash out of fabric?

 

We think so, but I can't promise.  It's got corn syrup, corn starch, chocolate syrup, red, blue and green food coloring, and BBQ sauce.

[AMJ]

We think so, but I can't promise.  It's got corn syrup, corn starch, chocolate syrup, red, blue and green food coloring, and BBQ sauce.

 

Wow, DD13 might actually like the taste of that!  But with the food colorings listed I'd recommend not expecting it to all wash out of clothes.

[Chris in VA]

OIC--thank you for the explanation! lol

 

To me, the example wasn't funny, because he's watching something (commercial or not) that he's interested in and wants to hear, so I could hear myself saying the same thing in total seriousness to one of my kids who was trying to get his attention!

 

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

I really think it is rude to the OP to be discussing whether her funny lighthearted thread meets your definition of funny or not.  

[Chris in VA]

I'm sorry to be rude! I was just trying to understand.

[Starr]

Really folks I don't think anyone is being rude. Just chatting on how some people don't think/process the same as others.  Humor has a particular audience. 

 

I'm amused by these example. :D

 

[AMJ]

OIC--thank you for the explanation! lol

 

To me, the example wasn't funny, because he's watching something (commercial or not) that he's interested in and wants to hear, so I could hear myself saying the same thing in total seriousness to one of my kids who was trying to get his attention!

 

Okay, suffice to say: DH got it and grinned sheepishly as soon as I looked at him.  We are NOT commercial watchers by nature, and neither is his father.  We tend to record the few TV shows we want so we can watch them on our own schedule and skip through the commercials.  And this wasn't actually a commercial, it was a YouTube video demo'ing a product he thought his Dad would be interested in.  So for him to shush a child during a "commercial" is rather absurd.

 

This sort of absurdity strikes here from time to time, and we quite enjoy it when it does.  Several years back, before smart phones really took off (Blackberries were THE go-to device for anything beyond calling and BASIC texting) our two DDs were discussing stuffed animals at bedtime.  Elder DD had recently gotten a nice black bear, but was still jealous when younger DD adopted the white bear (newly named Beary) that Grandma picked up at a garage sale for 50 cents.  In exasperation we finally declared to elder DD, "You don't need a white Beary!  You have a black Berry!" 

 

DH and I both promptly winced, as we both heard (in our heads) the badumDUM of the traditional rimshot following a bad joke.

[Guest]

Me: (To the kids as they distribute the fried chicken.) "Do not eat MY piece! I want THIS piece!"

 

dd: "Don't worry, Mom! Nobody's eating your breast!"

 

Later, the kids put the piece in the fridge and labeled it "Mom's Breast."

[AMJ]

I'm sorry to be rude! I was just trying to understand.

 

No offense taken here!  Actually, I thoroughly got where you were coming from.  We've had discussions just like this over the years among myself, my siblings, others, and now at least one of my kids....  And I'm not always the one trying to explain the joke, either.

[KRG]

I don't think I was being rude and in my mind my response was being funny... We're not always going to get each other and that's ok. I haven't read anything rude in this thread.

[Mimm]

"Ok, negative nine over twenty, OHMYGOD MY EYELASH FELL OUT!"

 

Just to clarify, she has more than one eyelash and was not particularly attached to the one that feel out...

[AMJ]

Me: (To the kids as they distribute the fried chicken.) "Do not eat MY piece! I want THIS piece!"

 

dd: "Don't worry, Mom! Nobody's eating your breast!"

 

Later, the kids put the piece in the fridge and labeled it "Mom's Breast."

 

There are no spit-take smileys, dang it!

[Chris in VA]

Well, this probably isn't really the same thing, but humor in our house is...kinda weird! lol

 

Here's an example of recent table dialog:

 

Me: Tomorrow's my last day of dog walking.
Christopher: Well, you are going to a better place.
Me: Sounds like I'm dying.
Mary: All Dogs Go to Heaven.
Christopher: Only in the movies.
Me: I'll probably have to walk them.
Don: (silence. shakes head)

 

Or:

 

Mary: Hey, I'm wearing the same thing I wore on the first day of school!
Me: THE CIIIRRRRCLE of LIIIIIIIFE....
‪#‎lastdayofschool‬

[PrairieSong]

My dh told our kids, "I attracted your mother with my athletic paralysis."

 

He is known for stumbling over words, but this one was hilarious, we thought.

[Mandylubug]

"Ok, negative nine over twenty, OHMYGOD MY EYELASH FELL OUT!"

 

Just to clarify, she has more than one eyelash and was not particularly attached to the one that feel out...

This one made me laugh entirely too hard.

[Lizzie in Ma]

We all have that one kid......

 

"You are an octagon of beauty and grace. And I am acute triangle. And michael...well he is just obtuse." ~Jenna

 

 

Jenna: I am gonna peer...peer at you
Dad: Why don't you DIS- Appear into the bathroom and brush your teeth.
Jenna: I don't like your hair.
Dad: Huh?
Jenna: You said Diss a Peer. I just dissed you.
Dad: Very Funny. I am not your Peer. Go brush your teeth.
Jenna: That's copyrighted!!

[UncleEJ]

Me: (To the kids as they distribute the fried chicken.) "Do not eat MY piece! I want THIS piece!"

 

dd: "Don't worry, Mom! Nobody's eating your breast!"

 

Later, the kids put the piece in the fridge and labeled it "Mom's Breast."

My dad always writes "chick t*ts" on the shopping list for chicken breasts. It's awkward.

[UncleEJ]

I once wanted to watch a tv show in piece and quiet. So I told the boys I was going to watch my show and not bug me unless it was important.

 

Neighbor was outside, and asked after me.

 

Kids said, "Mommy is in her room watching adult movies and we can't bug her till she is done".

Omg! I just nearly died reading that!!!

[Lucy in Australia]

When DS15 was 3, someone gave him bubble gum. He was so thrilled with it, he immediately went outside to open his mouth so the dog could smell it (because it smells so nice, see..) Of course the gum fell out of his mouth onto the dog's tail & got stuck (dog is Golden Retriever with very plumy tail). I came marching out & announce "Oh great, now we're going to have to cut it off" To which DS let out blood-curdling screams to the point where I thought the cops would come. Yep, turns out he thought I meant we would have to cut the tail off, not just the gum. I tell you, I needed a drink or three once that was all sorted out :blink: :blink: :blink:

[rose]

I've got a great one.

 

When my two big kids were about 2 I took them into a thrift store. I took them both into a change room to try on a shirt. I wasn't wearing a bra that day (I'm more of hippy then my avatar might suggest ;)). My boy was surprised and said, "NIPPLES, I want to touch them!" Horrified, I quickly bent down to shush him when my daughter said, "Naked hug! I want a naked hug too!" My dh and I had been in the habit of giving our little one "naked hugs" after their baths because post-bath toddlers are so cute. Needless to say we stopped that then and there. So embarrassing! :o

[Mandylubug]

I've got a great one.

 

When my two big kids were about 2 I took them into a thrift store. I took them both into a change room to try on a shirt. I wasn't wearing a bra that day (I'm more of hippy then my avatar might suggest ;)). My boy was surprised and said, "NIPPLES, I want to touch them!" Horrified, I quickly bent down to shush him when my daughter said, "Naked hug! I want a naked hug too!" My dh and I had been in the habit of giving our little one "naked hugs" after their baths because post-bath toddlers are so cute. Needless to say we stopped that then and there. So embarrassing! :o

 

promise I am laughing WITH you not at you, hahahaha

[AMJ]

I've got a great one.

 

When my two big kids were about 2 I took them into a thrift store. I took them both into a change room to try on a shirt. I wasn't wearing a bra that day (I'm more of hippy then my avatar might suggest ;)). My boy was surprised and said, "NIPPLES, I want to touch them!" Horrified, I quickly bent down to shush him when my daughter said, "Naked hug! I want a naked hug too!" My dh and I had been in the habit of giving our little one "naked hugs" after their baths because post-bath toddlers are so cute. Needless to say we stopped that then and there. So embarrassing! :o

 

When DD13 was in kindergarten one of her cousins had a birthday party at a popular local venue that happened to have wonderfully family-friendly women's rooms (but not family-friendly men's rooms).  My SIL was in the bathroom with her two kids (boy and girl) and was helping her DD at the sink when I came in with my two girls.  I marched the girls into the big stall so we could all share and help each other, and dear nephew wanted to come in, too, since he hadn't had a chance to go yet.  I saw no problem with this, and neither did SIL, since he routinely has to go with Mom and Sis, anyway.

 

Please note:  my girls have no brothers.

 

Everything was hunky-dory fine until it was dear nephew's turn.  He stepped up and went about his business, and my inquisitive DD pointed and exclaimed (quite loudly), "Mommy, what's THAT?!?"

 

Caught by surprise and wondering what my SIL might think, and faced with a 4-year-old nephew staring at his cousin with a "what's wrong with YOU?" look on his face, I explained, "You are a girl.  You have girl parts.  B is a boy.  He has boy parts."

 

"Oh, okay!"  'Nuf said all around, I guess.  Both kids were okay with this answer.

 

Upon exiting the stall with the kids I found my MIL sniggering, SIL pretending she wasn't laughing into the sink, and some wide-eyed strangers awaiting an open stall!  None of the kids thought anything of it -- they all realized since we had no boys other than DH in the house it was quite understandable for both of my DDs not to know about boy parts.

[kwg]

That one reminded me that my sister told me she took my ds7, her dd6 and her ds4 out on the beach for an early morning/or maybe late night walk and my son announces "I am AWESOME and I have got the biggest p@nis here"  :hurray:

:lol:

 

 

:confused1:  No idea where he got that from. none.  And I did not follow up either.

 

Except i dont think it fits the topic since it sounded bad and was bad! lol. but they were all clothed and everything.   He just kind of yelled it out then went back to the chase game in the sand.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I was teasing dd with the dog while telling him to "lick her legs".  Only it came out "liquor legs".  So now we have liquor face, liquor legs, liquor arms etc.!  

[Jenny in Florida]

Everything was hunky-dory fine until it was dear nephew's turn.  He stepped up and went about his business, and my inquisitive DD pointed and exclaimed (quite loudly), "Mommy, what's THAT?!?"

 

Caught by surprise and wondering what my SIL might think, and faced with a 4-year-old nephew staring at his cousin with a "what's wrong with YOU?" look on his face, I explained, "You are a girl.  You have girl parts.  B is a boy.  He has boy parts."

 

I had a similar experience, except that my daughter was younger. (Her little brother was born when she was not quite four. So, she knew a but more about anatomy after that point.)

 

My daughter and I had gone for a beach day with a friend of mine who had two sons. We'd all had a good day, and we were getting the kids cleaned up enough to put them back in the van to head for home, all of us in the women's changing room, since the kids were all four or younger. (We had the place to ourselves, as I recall, because it was the middle of the day and not a weekend.)

 

My daughter was chatting away to my friend's son, when she stopped mid-sentence, pointed and asked, "What's that?" 

 

All of my good intentions about using correct terminology went out the window, and my mind went blank. Fortunately, my friend was better collected and said, "That's his pen1s" in the most matter-of-fact way possible. My daughter essentially shrugged and went back to the conversation.

 

I've been forever grateful to my friend for setting me such a good example. 

[Pawz4me]

We had just sat down at our favorite local pizza place one Sunday night when DH got a phone call.  He listened for a bit and then (you know how sometimes people talk louder on the phone than when talking to someone at the same table?) he says --

 

"DID YOU KILL THE CHILDREN?"

 

:ohmy: :ohmy: :ohmy:

 

The boys and I didn't quite know how to react to that.  We were reasonably sure DH wasn't involved in a conspiracy to kill anyone.  He's a fairly gentle soul. ;)

 

Turns out it was a call from his work and "killing the children" is computer speak for shutting down other processes when one thing has a problem.  Kind of like stopping the domino effect.  Or something.

 

Thankfully there was nobody sitting very close to us!

[AMJ]

That one reminded me that my sister told me she took my ds7, her dd6 and her ds4 out on the beach for an early morning/or maybe late night walk and my son announces "I am AWESOME and I have got the biggest p@nis here" :hurray:

:lol:

 

 

:confused1: No idea where he got that from. none. And I did not follow up either.

 

Except i dont think it fits the topic since it sounded bad and was bad! lol. but they were all clothed and everything. He just kind of yelled it out then went back to the chase game in the sand.

That's okay, it's still funny!

[Jaz]

I was telling my kids that I have "new to me" Iphone, as I joined the smartphone revolution yesterday. My ds kept asking me what in the world that meant. He heard "nud*ty and thought I had scandalous photos on my phone.

[IsabelC]

During a car drive, my children were speculating about what it would be like to be able to follow a scent like a dog does. You know when you are kind of half listening and letting the conversation flow around you and then suddenly certain words jump out and hit you? Well I heard: "So if you could smell curry, you'd know you were getting near the Indian shop... and if it smelled like bread the bakery would be coming up... and IF IT SMELLED LIKE DICK you'd be near Dick Smiths". First I thought HUH? Where did the 6yo get that from?! Then I realized they were just mentioning places we were driving past. But it would definitely sound dodgy if you aren't Australian and don't know that Dick Smith is a chain of electrical goods stores. 

[Ravin]

The other day we were at a museum with a hands on display about farming. There were fake foods, and DS was sorting them into food groups and naming them. He held up a skinny red plastic pepper and declared,

 

"This is a hot pecker!"

[alisoncooks]

Overheard, as older DD chased younger DD down the hall:

"Come back!! I won't annihilate you!!"

[Home'scool]

At Thanksgiving we were all gathered at the table ready to commence eating. I always pick one of my kids to say grace but they always hate being put on the spot and dread being picked.

 

So this year I said to my youngest "Gina, why don't you say grace for us all?"

And she said "Oh God, why me of all people?" - meaning why did I pick her.

And my father-in-law, who is slightly deaf, says "Amen! Let's eat!"

So now that is our grace at dinner haha.

 

Another one: My husband had a secretary whose name was Anita. Anita decided to get a boob job without telling anyone beforehand and just showed up at work after a few

days off with a nice new set. My husband came home that night and said to me "Anita got a boob job." Because he said it fast, it sounded to me like "Ya needa get a boob job!" Needless to say I was none too happy with him for a bit!

 

One more: I was telling my husband about the neighbors dog:

Me: "The neighbors think that Binky is deaf."

Husband (who thought I said "dead" instead of "deaf": "Why do they think that?"

Me: "Because when they call him he doesn't come."

 

 

[IsabelC]

That's the funniest grace I have heard for a while.

 

We don't say religious grace at meals, but on the odd occasion that we have visitors who like to, they are welcome to do so. We have had one or two occasions where my usually-adorable little niece figured out that she could be rude to the other kids with impunity under the cover of prayer, so we got 'unusual' lines such as "Dear Jesus, X is really annoying, please help him to be less annoying, etc."

[Guest]

Hilarious. I woke dh up laughing over some of these. 

[snickerplum]

We live in a (very) small town (until we make our big upcoming move!!!!) so my children aren't used to much shopping. The first time they saw mannequins they were quite intrigued. They were calling them "the men with no head or arms" and liked to show me the different clothes they each wore. I was looking at something when my oldest (5 at the time) yells, "hey, mom! I found another man for you to look at!" Oh, the looks I received from people around us! Like I was having my children scout out men for me. I just wanted to hide...!