MamaHappy Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 I could use a little advice! I am the MOH in my half-sister's wedding in a couple of months. I have a question about whether I should attend the bachelorette party or not.... The bridal shower, bachelorette party, and wedding all occur within 4 weeks of each other. I live about a 5 hour drive away. I am planning on attending the bridal shower (and the wedding, obviously), but I was going to bow out of the bachelorette party for a couple of reasons. It would be ALOT of driving back and forth with the three events. I've known the bride since she was born and love her dearly, but we are not best friends or anything. She will have a lot of her friends attend the BP and I just figured that it's not a big deal if I'm not there. I know she will have a great time with or without me. The BP is going to be on the expensive side and with all the other costs of the wedding, it is just getting to be a bit much for us. My husband is going to be gone quite a bit that weekend with work obligations so it would be tough for him to take care of our boys by himself. I am getting flack from one of the bridesmaids that I'm not attending the bachelorette party. She says I am the MOH and I have to go! It's my duty! I feel bad.... I probably should go... What do you think? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaHappy Posted July 20, 2014 Author Share Posted July 20, 2014 I think you should just be honest with the bride and see if she seems understanding, resentful, disappointed etc. Did you both know that there would be so many events? Not everyone has a bridal shower and a bachelorette party. Regardless, I think you have too many obligations at home/live too far and those are understandable reasons for not attending. Frankly I think if it's that darn important for you to attend all 3 functions they (whoever did the planning) should arrange the bridal shower and BP the same weekend or something so you don't have to keep going back and forth. Speak up now so they know you made an attempt to attend. Thank you, I really appreciate you responding. This has REALLY been stressing me out and it's good to hear other people's take on it. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
idnib Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 I would not go and would be the best MOH I could be at the events I did attend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 I could use a little advice! I I am getting flack from one of the bridesmaids that I'm not attending the bachelorette party. She says I am the MOH and I have to go! It's my duty! I feel bad.... I probably should go... What do you think? what does the bride think? I think the bride's opinion overrules "some" bridesmaid. and I agree things can be scheduled better so it's not such a hardship for you to attend everything, or else skip the bachlorette party. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chocolatechip Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 IF you're honestly willing to go, I'd talk to the bride and frankly discuss your difficulties. Ask her to tell you honestly if she will be sad or offended if you don't attend. If she's fine with it, don't feel bad about staying home. If she really wants you there, I'd make as much effort as I could to be there. HOWEVER. I do think you have reasonable cause to stay home, if you feel that's what you need to do (and I wouldn't blame you at all for making that decision!). In that case, I'd just honestly tell the bride that I'd love to be able to come to the party, but with DH's schedule it is just not possible because you have to care for the kids. A reasonable person will be able to accept that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 I agree, talk to your sister. Lay out all the issues, child care, driving, finances, etc. If she really wants you there, have her brainstorm solutions with you. Or she may allow you to bow out gracefully. It does not matter what the other bridesmaids think. It's between you and your sister. FWIW, my bridal shower and bachelorette party were the same day. Afternoon bridal shower, evening-night party, on my birthday. Three birds with one stone! :P Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 In your case, I really think it's perfectly reasonable to stay home. In fact, I don't think you even need to ask the bride for "permission." Just explain to her what you just said in your opening post. Don't worry about the bridesmaid. It's not her wedding. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaHappy Posted July 20, 2014 Author Share Posted July 20, 2014 Yes, I will talk to her. Thank you, thank you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaHappy Posted July 20, 2014 Author Share Posted July 20, 2014 double post Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyS Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 No, I don't think you are obligated to attend the bachelorette party. And I think if the bride wants all her people there, she should have been more considerate about scheduling events. She can't seriously schedule a month's worth of weekends and expect that others will be available for everything. That's ridiculous, and it would be ridiculous if you lived across the street. The fact that you live hours away just makes it worse. Other grown people have lives outside of her wedding. Geez. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 I'm not sure why you'd want to bring your kid's history curric with you to a Bachelorette party. I wouldn't do it. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 My sister was my maid of honor. She lives 5 hours away. I did not expect her to attend my shower or bachelrette party. That would have been a ridiculous amount of travel. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happypamama Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 I was recently my sister's MOH, and it was the same situation -- I live several hours away, have limited finances, and young kids (including a young infant at the time). Sis didn't expect me to be at any of the things except for the wedding weekend, and even then, while the other girls spent the night before the wedding at her house with her, she told me up front that she didn't expect me to do that but that the baby and I were welcome if we wanted (we stayed at our hotel with the rest of our crew). She really just wanted me to be there to stand beside her on her big day, as her big sister and best friend, and I was happy to do that. I did get to attend her shower in our hometown, though. So maybe your sister just wants your support on her wedding day and will understand about all the other stuff. I would talk to her and see what she's expecting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 Back in my day we didn't even HAVE bachelorette parties ..LOL--I feel old now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renthead Mommy Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 I am getting flack from one of the bridesmaids that I'm not attending the bachelorette party. She says I am the MOH and I have to go! It's my duty! I feel bad.... I probably should go... What do you think? I am going to guess that the bridesmaid is young, SINGLE and childless. She'll get over it. Single people have ideas about weddings. When we got married, we were planing a big wedding. Stuff came up job wise and we were going to move suddenly so we decided to get married in about two weeks with 15 people and we told no one till after. When we told everyone, all our married friends said "That was so cool! I wish we would have done that!" All our single friends said "How could you do that to US!" Tell your sister why you can't make it. She'll either get it or not. But she'll get over it. Especially when she had kids and is in someone else's wedding and realizes how expensive it is. Don't worry about the bridesmaid. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 I wouldn't worry about the opinion of a bridesmaid. I think bachelorette parties are optional. If you were in the area you ought to be there, but no I wouldn't make a 5-hour trip just for that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 Back in my day we didn't even HAVE bachelorette parties ..LOL--I feel old now. Maybe that's regional......... my mom had one and she's been married 50+ years. I had one almost 27 years ago. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 My Maid of Honor lived in another country. My 1st bridesmaid had a nursing infant and lived in another state. My other bridesmaid lived 4 hours away and had two very young children. I only expected them to be at the wedding. I offered the other events we were doing for whomever was available to attend. Some were able to come to some things and others were able to come to others. I did not have kids but I definitely understood their situations. I agree with others. Talk to your sister, explain your situation so there is no misunderstanding, show love and support but only go if you are able. She should understand. Is the bridesmaid talking to you directly? Or are you hearing this through the grapevine? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaHappy Posted July 20, 2014 Author Share Posted July 20, 2014 I am going to guess that the bridesmaid is young, SINGLE and childless. She'll get over it. Single people have ideas about weddings. When we got married, we were planing a big wedding. Stuff came up job wise and we were going to move suddenly so we decided to get married in about two weeks with 15 people and we told no one till after. When we told everyone, all our married friends said "That was so cool! I wish we would have done that!" All our single friends said "How could you do that to US!" Tell your sister why you can't make it. She'll either get it or not. But she'll get over it. Especially when she had kids and is in someone else's wedding and realizes how expensive it is. Don't worry about the bridesmaid. Yes, she IS young and single. :001_rolleyes: I haven't even met this girl and she is already on my nerves, lol. I REALLY appreciate everyone's responses. I sent my half-sis an e-mail about it an I already feel better about the whole situation. Last night I was feeling just terrible about it... I think the reaction of the other bridesmaid really threw me off and made me feel soooo bad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaHappy Posted July 20, 2014 Author Share Posted July 20, 2014 I agree with others. Talk to your sister, explain your situation so there is no misunderstanding, show love and support but only go if you are able. She should understand. Is the bridesmaid talking to you directly? Or are you hearing this through the grapevine? The bridesmaid is talking to me directly (through e-mail). She is the one doing the bulk of the planning, which I am completely grateful for! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LostSurprise Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 I was not the MOH, but I was a bridesmaid at my sister's wedding. I was 9 months pregnant and lived the same amount away that you live. I did not attend the bachelorette party. I did travel for 4 fittings and several showers. My sister was fine but I did talk to her about it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mona100 Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 The bridesmaid is talking to me directly (through e-mail). She is the one doing the bulk of the planning, which I am completely grateful for! This is probably the reason the bridesmaid is saying all of this stuff to you. She is doing the work of the MOH without the title. Why doesn't your half-sister have a matron of honor (you) and a maid of honor (bridesmaid who is talking to you)? it would make sense and I have seen it done many times. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 Sounds like the Buttinski Bridesmaid might be a little envious that you're the MOH and she's just a lowly bridesmaid. ;) Who cares what she thinks? I'd tell her to mind her own business. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaHappy Posted July 20, 2014 Author Share Posted July 20, 2014 Is the BP a surprise or does the bride already know about it? Did the bride want one? It sounds like this bridesmaid has taken things into her own hands and as someone else said is doing something that is typically the MOH's job. I didn't think about that at first. Sounds like everyone has their own expectations and did not share them with each other. Kind of hard to meet expectations when you don't know what they are. Firstly I'd want to know if the bride was waiting on me to plan something and when it didn't look like that was happening she assigned it to someone else or if the other person just decided to do it on their own. I feel like either way, you should have been approached rather than just invited? Maybe I'm wrong here. No, it isn't a surprise and the bride knows about it. In fact, I'm pretty sure the bride requested it. I'm totally fine with the other bridesmaid taking things into her own hands. But I wish she would have consulted me about the dates.... if she has such a huge problem with me not attending everything, why did she not ask me about the dates first? Or try to schedule the shower and BP on the same day?? This girl really got under my skin with her e-mail about not attneding the BP. She doesn't know me at all, we've never even met. She has no idea about my life or what I have going on. And she just jumps all over me about not attending without asking me why (not that it's any of her business) or expressing any kind of understanding. How rude (IMO). The more I think about it, the more irritated I get, lol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 No, it isn't a surprise and the bride knows about it. In fact, she requested that we do a wine tour for her BP. I'm totally fine with the other bridesmaid taking things into her own hands. But I wish she would have consulted me about the dates.... if she has such a huge problem with me not attending everything, why did she not ask me about the dates first? Or try to schedule the shower and BP on the same day?? This girl really got under my skin with her e-mail about not attneding the BP. She doesn't know me at all, we've never even met. She has no idea about my life or what I have going on. And she just jumps all over me about not attending without asking me why (not that it's any of her business) or expressing any kind of understanding. How rude (IMO). The more I think about it, the more irritated I get, lol. Ahh ... to be young and have so few obligations that you can just drive 10 hours in a weekend at the drop of a hat. I would not sweat this at all. It's nice if you can make a shower and/or a BP that someone decides to throw, but these are not mandatory events and it annoys the heck out of me when people act like it's an entitlement (whether it be a bride or a busy body bridesmaid!). I'd be shocked if the rest of your family wasn't understanding about it. Making that trips 3X in a month is insane, especially when you have childcare issues. I'd want to laugh in her face and say "oh, aren't you so adorable. Wait until you have other family obligations sweetheart!". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 If someone I didn't know emailed me informing me of my "duty", that email would go right into the cyber-void. You only need to communicate with your sister and let her know you love her but you can't be there that weekend, and you are very excited about the bridal shower and wedding itself. That's quite reasonable given the distance and your commitments at home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vonfirmath Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 I had no bachelorette party. Only one of my bridesmaids made my shower. It was all good. I was my sister's MOH and didn't go back for ANYTHING before the wedding itself. Didn't do a toast either. I had no idea I was supposed to do any of this! We still have a close relationship. Was just there this weekend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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