Need some perspective here

[dirty ethel rackham]

I am still struggling with my homeschool parent socialization woes.  As I had mentioned in a previous post, this will be the first year of homeschooling that I will not be involved in any homeschool activity with other adults.  My second son will be leaving for college.  I will be busy homeschooling my daughter and she is taking a couple of classes at the high school.  For the past 14 years, my kids have been involved in clubs that involved other parents (science club, book club, history club, etc.)  While I know I know that I need to prepare for my next act, I actually will still be very busy homeschooling and chauffeuring my daughter and will not have much time or energy to work on this next phase.  And I will be very lonely.  While I have a couple other things I do, some are not really with people (dogs at the shelter) and the others really don't lend themselves to deeper friendships - something that is missing from my life right now.  Most of my "peeps" have moved on and I haven't found a new tribe. 

 

So, today, I was hosting a meeting for our 4-H club members to work on a group project for fair.  Out of the 25 members, only 2 kids responded so my son, who had not wanted to do this, got roped into doing it with his sister.  So, the other two moms came with their kids and I thought, great, I'll have someone to talk to.  Nope.  They got out their laptops and proceeded to have a meeting between the two of them that did not include me.   In my own home, I was ignored.  Now, they could have dropped their kids off and gone to the Starbucks 1 mile from my house or the library 2 miles from my house.  (One of these moms is an acquaintance, but the other used to be my best friend, but our lives no longer intersect much - her choice - and I am still nursing that wound.)  Am I missing something here?  Since when has it become OK to come to someone's home and exclude them from an activity?  I was very hurt.  So, I decided that they did not need a hostess, got out my laptop and did some work and I did dishes and did some laundry.  They acted like this was so normal.  It is one thing to know that I am not part of their little club.  But it is quite another thing to have my nose rubbed in it in my own home. 

 

And another issue has presented itself that is highlighting for me this upcoming year of change.  Our 4-H club is going through some difficulty.  For the last 15 years, it has been a homeschooled club and has met on the same day of the month at the same time.  We have been involved for the last 5 or 6 years and I have just become a leader (in name only as no one has given me any responsibilities.)  We probably would never have considered 4-H if there had not been a homeschool club.  (It really is open to anyone, but the meetings have traditionally been during a time when most kids would still be in school.)  We have met some really great people through this club.  Well, one of the moms of one of the more involved families had to go back to work and her kids went to school this year.  So, last summer, while we were out of town, they had a club vote asking to move the meeting to late Friday afternoon.  (Other families have come across similar situations, but no one changed the time for them.)  Since most of the families involved have to drive fairly long distances, this puts us into rush hour traffic.  Plus, my daughter can only make a few meetings a year due to her climbing schedule.  As the year went on, very few members of this family have attended meetings.  But, as a result of this time change, club attendance has gone down significantly.  There have been some requests to move the time back to a more homeschool friendly time, but we are getting push-back.  I fear that this club will eventually have to disband. It doesn't offer the unique benefit of being a homeschool club at a homeschool friendly time.  We are not getting many new families involved.  I am not sure how to proceed.   I did find out today that part of the reason why one leader is pushing to keep the current meeting time is that she can not do anything but this time or the weekend.  But, she does so much for the club and is not organized enough to delegate responsibilities to other leaders who have stepped up (like me.)  She is a lovely woman and I have great respect for her and I appreciate all that she does for this club.  But I am upset that a club that worked well has changed. Maybe that change was inevitable - people just don't want to commit to stuff anymore.  Am I holding onto something too tightly (the old way)?  Am I being too inflexible?

 

I know that my anxiety over the changes coming this next year are weighing heavy on me.  I fear that, without social opportunities for my daughter with other homeschoolers, I will lose her to public school completely.  And then where will I be? 

[Catwoman]

Wow, those other two moms were incredibly rude! :glare:

[J-rap]

Wow, I'm sorry about all of that!  How frustrating about the two women at your house just getting on their computers.  I can't imagine doing that at someone else's house!  That just seems rude to me.  I'm sure they don't mean it to be...  it's a different world these days.

 

About your daughter...  My youngest took a couple classes at the local high school too.  It really ended up being okay.  She did become a little more involved there as a result, since she was in the choir and they did a lot of special things.  But, it was a good group of kids and there really weren't too many homeschoolers left her age (we live in a very small town).   I was happy she had that opportunity.

 

It did feel weird for me after so many years, but there was still a lot to do.  I was still very involved with her life, of course, regarding both homeschooling, applying to colleges, etc.  And, it turns out that there were other parents in the same position as myself (nearing the end of homeschooling), and we connected quite a bit.  It wasn't with homeschooling events anymore, just good friends getting together for coffee. 

[Twigs]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Murphy101]

Ouch.

 

I don't know. Have you thought of taking up knitting or crocheting? Many lovely people enjoy knitting or crocheting with other ladies for friendship. And it sure sounds like you need to meet some new friendly people.

 

(((Hugs)))

[kiwik]

Sounds like it might be time to move on. Who needs rude people in their house?

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[Vera]

I wish that you lived near me. I would love to have a climbing/homeschooling buddy.

[Chris in VA]

Wow, that is incredibly rude.

Sometimes I'm a little obtuse, so I might have said something like, "Hey, I thought we could chat a bit while the kids meet! What's new with you, Old Best Friend?" I may have not picked up on the signal that they didn't want to chat. Maybe they didn't know that you had that expectation? (grasping at straws here...lol)

 

AFA the 4H stuff itself, if you dd can't make the meetings, I'd drop it. She has school for socialization, and she climbs. Isn't that enough? Are you saying you want her in things so that you can be involved? You can certainly be involved in the school. PTA is a big deal with lots to do. But as one who "lost" her dd to ps, I hear your fears and preferences (because it's not just fear that keeps some homeschoolers from switching to ps). I am on the shyer side, and I don't really want to spend time at my dd's school. It also feels like an endorsement of ps--I know that's weird that I wouldn't endorse it but I send my kid. It is what it is. Maybe you feel the same way.

 

You are still thinking inside the homeschool box--you are used to finding your social circle connected to homeschooling. Can you be brave and stop connecting the two (your social life and homeschooling)? Or perhaps (gently though it may sound harsh), think beyond using your child as your entry point into a group?

 

You come across here as a smart, funny, wonderful woman. People on these boards would LOVE to meet you. I'm sure my impression of you isn't wrong! I'm SURE there is somewhere you will find a friend or a group of friends. Draw a bigger circle, and see whom it touches.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

 

[lmrich]

Might be your time to move on. To everything there is a season.

[kewb]

Those women were rude. I have brought a laptop with me to things if I jad something I needed to get done but have always said to hostess to please excuse me as this is the only chance I have to get X done.

 

I think it is time for you to move on. Yhe group is no longer meeting your needs.

[Hikin' Mama]

Their behavior was rude! If I remember correctly, you live in Michigan. If you lived near me, I'd love to meet for coffee. I've always enjoyed your posts; you sound like a delightful person. Sorry you're going through this.

[PrairieSong]

I'm going through some of the same transitions. Our youngest will be my only homeschooler this year, after many years of homeschooling.

 

I think that, no matter what happens with the 4-H group, you need to look for your own friends and social activities. The empty nest is looming and kids' activities won't be there anymore to provide you with possible friendships. I'm grappling with the same thing. My youngest is in activities that don't involve me being friendly with other moms. So...I have invested more time in other friendships. I go to a weekly acoustic music jam that I really enjoy. I may start a knitting/crocheting group with some friends.

 

What kind of activities or hobbies do you enjoy? Do you have friends at church? Do you and your dh have couple friends whom you could invite over or go out with? Any neighbors you are friendly with or would like to get to know? You seem like a wonderful person whom many people would enjoy knowing.

[unsinkable]

(((Ellen)))

 

I'm so sorry.

 

Just off the top of my head...can the 4H group alternate meeting times? Or split the group?

[texasmama]

(((hugs)))  I think they were rude to get out the laptops and have a private meeting at your home. 

 

I will pray that you find your tribe in a wonderfully unexpected manner.

[texasmama]

Their behavior was rude! If I remember correctly, you live in Michigan. If you lived near me, I'd love to meet for coffee. I've always enjoyed your posts; you sound like a delightful person. Sorry you're going through this.

I know!  I would so hang with her if she lived nearby.

[SadieMarie]

I am sorry.  My feelings would have been hurt in that situation too.  

 

The community we live in has a high turnover because of the University.  I have been in the situation of having to start over with friends many times and it is always difficult.  But my closest friends now are not hsing moms.  I have one hsing mom friend and the rest are not at all related to hsing.  I agree with some of the previous posters though, time to branch out and look for social opportunities elsewhere.  Maybe also look at the fears about losing your dd to high school too. There is nothing stopping you from being involved and volunteering at the school right?  Schools are always looking for volunteers and while hs moms can be great friends, so can ps moms.  The knitting group thing is also a great idea, if it is something you are interested in doing/learning.  I have found that taking a knitting class once a week in the evening is a lovely way to socialize.  And though I am prejudiced lol, knitting women are awesome.

[JustEm]

Oh man if 2 women decided to do that to me in my own home I would have lost it. I would have asked them to leave and proceeded to tell them that I hope their children are learning their manners from someone other than their disrespectful mothers. I would say the kids are welcome at my house whenever but they are not.

 

 

As for 4H, it sounds like the group no longer meets your needs so I would drop it.

[elegantlion]

 

 

You are still thinking inside the homeschool box--you are used to finding your social circle connected to homeschooling. Can you be brave and stop connecting the two (your social life and homeschooling)? Or perhaps (gently though it may sound harsh), think beyond using your child as your entry point into a group?

 

You come across here as a smart, funny, wonderful woman. People on these boards would LOVE to meet you. I'm sure my impression of you isn't wrong! I'm SURE there is somewhere you will find a friend or a group of friends. Draw a bigger circle, and see whom it touches.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

:iagree:  :iagree: much agreeness to the bolded. 

 

I know you've been hurt by relationships before, I'm sorry.  :grouphug:

 

I'm a bit jaded and have been hurt and I think some of that rejection goes back to those old school days we've discussed before. I've been at a point where I've stopped trying to cultivate friendship in real life. I have some friends but it's so hard to get together as we don't live near each other. As I've had to expand my circle by returning to school, I notice some acquaintances are popping up, I hope some friendship happen, but I'm not pushing it. 

 

I'm trying to do activities and see what happens. I would try to find some new and totally different activity for you, like maybe a continuing ed class, a cooking class, something and just go without expectation of making friends. Then you get to enjoy something new and if something happens organically out of it great, if not, great. 

 

Your "friends" were rude. I would, however, be grateful they showed their true colors, examine my own behavior to see if I had unconsciously been allowing this "it's okay to ignore me" vibe, and I would not host get together in my house if possible because no one deserves to be treated that way by guests. 

[PrairieSong]

I know! I would so hang with her if she lived nearby.

Me too!