Older guy with a teen girl

[Barb_]

I've wanted to ask for advice for a while, but I've held back because of privacy concerns. Miss Peregrine's earlier thread about her son and the older guy mirrored our situation so much, and it seemed like I'm not the only one who feels icky about it. It's bugging me enough that I'm going to try to discuss it without giving away too much information, so bear with me if it seems like I'm purposefully obscuring the situation.

 

How would you handle your 17yo daughter dating a 24 year old man? Let's say he still lives at home, attends college (part time?) and has no job or other responsibilities. He seems kind to her, but odd. He doesn't mistreat her as far as I can tell, but the age difference is enough to make me deeply uncomfortable. Apparently there is also some abuse/neglect in his past from his dad who is no longer in his life. They seem to be getting serious? While I could effectively prevent her from seeing him, I don't want to alienate her over this.

 

She will be 18 in the fall but won't leave for college for another year.

 

WWYD?

[Pamela H in Texas]

My husband and I were 18 and 25. Honestly, he wasn't doing anything with his life. ETA: Obviously, it has all worked out.  :)

Ideal? No. But if there isn't anything wrong with him, I think you'll alienate her if you fuss too much. Of course, you still parent, are an ear, help her make wise choices, etc.

But what I *want* to say is that she is under your roof and she has to wait until....
She is an adult
She has her own place
She finishes school
She can drink
Whatever age is more appropriate to you.

 

 

[Liz CA]

Tough situation. The age difference is not huge. Had you written he is in his thirties all kinds of bells would have gone off. I absolutely agree with you about not antagonizing her or being critical. Can you monitor the situation? Can you invite him to your house more often to get to know him? Can you (re)iterate to your daughter all the benefits of going slow in a relationship - regardless of age?

 

Are you most worried that he seems to have no urgency in getting employment? Would you view him differently if he was working and going to college?

[Katy]

I read this aloud to DH, he said, "Nope!" as soon as I said 17 year old daughter dating a 24 year old man, before I got to the other stuff.

 

I guess I would have a serious talk with her and ask why she's dating him, and ask him what he's getting out of it.

 

I guess I'd decide what to do after that.

 

Do you know what the age of consent is in your state?  16?  18?

[Erin]

I have a good friend who started seeing her boyfriend when she was 16 and he 25.  He's always adored her.  They've been married for 20 years.

I have to confess, though, were it my daughter I'd be pretty bothered, too...

[Barb_]

My husband and I were 18 and 25. Honestly, he wasn't doing anything with his life.

 

Ideal? No. But if there isn't anything wrong with him, I think you'll alienate her if you fuss too much. Of course, you still parent, are an ear, help her make wise choices, etc.

 

But what I *want* to say is that she is under your roof and she has to wait until....

She is an adult

She has her own place

She finishes school

She can drink

Whatever age is more appropriate to you.

This is exactly the same push/pull I have going in my own head right now.

[retiredHSmom]

My husband was 24 and I was 18 when we started dating.  He was at college as a non-traditionally aged student because he had spent 6 years in the military before coming to college.  We got engaged when we were 19 and 24.  Married at 20 and 26.

 

Last year my 18 year old daughter was dating a guy she had met at college. He was a full-time student after spending almost 10 years in the Marines.  He was 27.  We were okay with it because he was a serious adult with a life plan.  He treated her very well.  To his credit, my daughter is very mature for her age and is frequently mistaken for being in her 20's.  That is what he assumed too until her age came up on their 3rd or 4th date.  They did break up, her choice, he was talking about getting married when she graduated.  The issues that came up were not age related.

 

I would not assume that the age gap is a bad thing if he seems responsible and treats her well.

[Barb_]

Tough situation. The age difference is not huge. Had you written he is in his thirties all kinds of bells would have gone off. I absolutely agree with you about not antagonizing her or being critical. Can you monitor the situation? Can you invite him to your house more often to get to know him? Can you (re)iterate to your daughter all the benefits of going slow in a relationship - regardless of age?

 

Are you most worried that he seems to have no urgency in getting employment? Would you view him differently if he was working and going to college?

All excellent questions. Yes we're open about the relationship. I've told her how I feel. If he was working and going to school (he's part time at the CC), I think I would feel a little better. I don't want her to be one of the young women I see trying to work, go to school, take care of a baby on 4 hours of sleep, and support a guy with little or no work ethic. I hope I'm wrong, but I can't see this ending well.

 

I don't actually have him come over here any longer. He makes the younger children uncomfortable. I'm not sure why, except that he's hard to get to know. Also I feel like having him here condones a relationship that I'm pretty firmly against. But I admit I could be misguided there.

 

Neither of them seems to have any friendships outside of their relationship and for a while they were either texting or talking on the phone 16-20 hours a day. I put an end to that when I discovered it, because it didn't seem healthy.

[Anne in CA]

A twenty-four year old not doing anything with their life would bother me even if my own dd were 26. It is pretty scary, because if they marry she could end up taking care of him forever. Yuck. I know. I have a 25yo who is doing everything in her power to not grow up. When dh and I wouldn't let her live at home unless she was taking proactive steps to become independent, she decided to go to Bible school to live in the dorms.

[Barb_]

My husband was 24 and I was 18 when we started dating. He was at college as a non-traditionally aged student because he had spent 6 years in the military before coming to college. We got engaged when we were 19 and 24. Married at 20 and 26.

 

Last year my 18 year old daughter was dating a guy she had met at college. He was a full-time student after spending almost 10 years in the Marines. He was 27. We were okay with it because he was a serious adult with a life plan. He treated her very well. To his credit, my daughter is very mature for her age and is frequently mistaken for being in her 20's. That is what he assumed too until her age came up on their 3rd or 4th date. They did break up, her choice, he was talking about getting married when she graduated. The issues that came up were not age related.

 

I would not assume that the age gap is a bad thing if he seems responsible and treats her well.

Yeah...he has no life plan. He used to have money but he blew it on travel. His mom pays for his tuition. I don't think his lack of motivation would bug me as much if he were 18 or 19. By 20 I think it's no longer developmentally appropriate, you know?

[Barb_]

A twenty-four year old not doing anything with their life would bother me even if my own dd were 26. It is pretty scary, because if they marry she could end up taking care of him forever. Yuck. I know. I have a 25yo who is doing everything in her power to not grow up. When dh and I wouldn't let her live at home unless she was taking proactive steps to become independent, she decided to go to Bible school to live in the dorms.

This. And I get the feeling his mom enables him.

[Heatherwith4]

I was 19 and my DH was 28 when we began dating. We got married a couple weeks before my 20th birthday. That being said, he had already graduated college, was established in his career, and owned a home. He also treated me like a queen. He didn't make anyone feel uncomfortable, either.

 

I guess the point I'm making is that this seems like an unhealthy relationship for reasons other than the age difference.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I would be extremely concerned.

 

A young man who is worthwhile does not have hours and hours to text or talk. He has other people in his life, goals and plans, and a long day's work to get where he's going.

 

Oh, Barb. :/

 

I guess this is me sitting over here all judgy. Maybe he's just immature? If that's the case I hope she will have the maturity to slow things down.

[Barb_]

I read this aloud to DH, he said, "Nope!" as soon as I said 17 year old daughter dating a 24 year old man, before I got to the other stuff.

 

I guess I would have a serious talk with her and ask why she's dating him, and ask him what he's getting out of it.

 

I guess I'd decide what to do after that.

 

Do you know what the age of consent is in your state? 16? 18?

I don't know but that's probably moot since she'll be 18 in a few months.

 

For now we've agreed that they see each other just once a week and talk once a day for an hour or so. In other words, try to slow things down to a reasonable pace. She is listening for now and I'm trying to be open and fair, but not neglectful. It's a fine line.

[Lady Florida.]

Well, she is just a few months away from being a legal adult. I would feel a bit odd if it was my daughter, but I wouldn't try to stop it. My mother was 7 years younger than my father. As Pamela pointed out, you risk alienating her if you try to do something about this. Just be sure to keep the lines of communication open, be nice to him, and...well, and nothing. There really isn't more you can do since she's almost 18. As you said, he's kind to her so you might want to give the guy a chance.

[retiredHSmom]

I don't actually have him come over here any longer. He makes the younger children uncomfortable. I'm not sure why, except that he's hard to get to know. Also I feel like having him here condones a relationship that I'm pretty firmly against. But I admit I could be misguided there.

 

My mom always said that the fastest way to get rid of an unsuitable boyfriend or friend was to have them over often.  The fact that they don't fit into our family would become obvious and it wouldn't be long before the relationship ended.

 

I am sure that it is not a foolproof method (nothing is) but it has worked well for me with my children as well.

[Barb_]

I would be extremely concerned.

 

A young man who is worthwhile does not have hours and hours to text or talk. He has other people in his life, goals and plans, and a long day's work to get where he's going.

 

Oh, Barb. :/

 

I guess this is me sitting over here all judgy. Maybe he's just immature? If that's the case I hope she will have the maturity to slow things down.

Yes! That's it! That's exactly it, thank you. I'm not proud of my reactions here but there you go. I'm not thrilled that she was choosing to give up on sleep, study time, social outlets, and family time...but at 17 it happens. I don't want my teenager to have to take the mature lead in a relationship with a grown man.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

Well, she is just a few months away from being a legal adult. I would feel a bit odd if it was my daughter, but I wouldn't try to stop it. My mother was 7 years younger than my father. As Pamela pointed out, you risk alienating her if you try to do something about this. Just be sure to keep the lines of communication open, be nice to him, and...well, and nothing. There really isn't more you can do since she's almost 18. As you said, he's kind to her so you might want to give the guy a chance.

Agreeing with this.

[retiredHSmom]

A twenty-four year old not doing anything with their life would bother me even if my own dd were 26. It is pretty scary, because if they marry she could end up taking care of him forever. Yuck. I know

Yep, that is what stood out to me from the OP's question and bothered me too.  My husband and my daughters boyfriend were both a little slow reaching college but that had actually worked and supported themselves and had a plan for the future.

[Barb_]

My mom always said that the fastest way to get rid of an unsuitable boyfriend or friend was to have them over often. The fact that they don't fit into our family would become obvious and it wouldn't be long before the relationship ended.

 

I am sure that it is not a foolproof method (nothing is) but it has worked well for me with my children as well.

Lol! Actually this is kind of brilliant. I'm going to have to mull over this line of reasoning.

[maize]

The age difference is not so worrisome to me since she is so close to adulthood, but the apparent lack of ambition/effort/a life plan is...

[Lady Florida.]

I read this aloud to DH, he said, "Nope!" as soon as I said 17 year old daughter dating a 24 year old man, before I got to the other stuff.

 

I guess I would have a serious talk with her and ask why she's dating him, and ask him what he's getting out of it.

 

 

 

She's almost 18, and I think  the above could just push her towards him even more. To forbid an almost adult to date another adult is asking for a strained relationship at best. At worst they break off their relationship with you. Talking is fine, as long as it doesn't come across as lecturing, and that's tricky to pull off.

 

I don't want her to be one of the young women I see trying to work, go to school, take care of a baby on 4 hours of sleep, and support a guy with little or no work ethic. I hope I'm wrong, 

 

Those are valid concerns even outside of the age difference. Has your dd talked to him at all about what he wants to do? My dss was floundering at 24 but shortly after that decided to go to firefighter school. It's not uncommon anymore for people in their 20's to still be undecided. However, dss was working - it was just a job since he didn't know what he really wanted to do - but at least he was trying to earn his keep. This young man sounds like he's a little more than just undecided though.

 

You have a fine line to walk and I feel for you.  :grouphug:

[Barb_]

Well, she is just a few months away from being a legal adult. I would feel a bit odd if it was my daughter, but I wouldn't try to stop it. My mother was 7 years younger than my father. As Pamela pointed out, you risk alienating her if you try to do something about this. Just be sure to keep the lines of communication open, be nice to him, and...well, and nothing. There really isn't more you can do since she's almost 18. As you said, he's kind to her so you might want to give the guy a chance.

One other issue that concerns me is the abuse/neglect in his past. He's emotionally distant and as I said, tough to get to know (except, apparently with my daughter). He isn't warm or friendly or comfortable around us. It's hard to describe, but there is just something off in his interactions with other people. So far she says there hasn't been anything disturbing, but I don't expect her to tell me if there were. I told her that if that ever changes or if she ever feels unsafe for any reason that I will help her to get out of the situation with no questions asked.

[bolt.]

I think there are two things to consider, and then there is the 'overlap' of the two issues. Think 'venn diagram'.

 

1. Is he inherently "to old" for your daughter? This matters because sometimes an age difference produces a power difference, which can lead to relationship dysfunction. To this, I think I would say no: because they are co-students, in the same general phase of life and thus psuedo-peers. You aren't talking as if you had noticed a power imbalance between them due to their age gap.

 

2. Is he a good guy, a good prospect, someone you would generally approve of? To get this answer, forget thinking "if he was 18, this would be age-appropriate" and start thinking, "If DD were 24, and they were both the same age, would I think of this guy as a good prospect?" -- It sounds like you don't think so. He doesn't sound like he fits your idea of someone with a good head on his shoulders, a responsible attitude, etc.

 

Therefore it sounds like you just plain don't like him, but you are getting distracted by the age thing... even though the age thing doesn't seem to be the primary factor.

 

Where 1 and 2 overlap, is that if he was a "responsible" 24 year old, then he probably would be in the next phase of life (living like a grown man), that would solve problem 2... but it would also create problem 1... because as a 'grown man' your daughter would look up to him, and that would probably have created the power imbalance that is currently not an issue.

 

Basically, that means that the only way you can be confident she isn't being drawn into an unhealthy (powerless) role in this relationship is because he is pretty shiftless, and therefore they both view themselves as equals. But the only way you could be confident that she is in for a good forever-future with a responsible guy is if he was a responsible guy... It's a catch-22.

 

(Quick note: I'm not saying that all responsible older guys who fall in love with a somewhat younger psuedo-peer are predators -- many of you have had lovely romances that did not develop that dynamic, I'm sure. I'm just saying there's some extra safety against that potential problem in this case, because he isn't playing from a terribly respect-worthy position in her eyes.)

 

Overall, I think you are on the safer side. Irresponsible young men often wake up and smell the coffee at a later point... but controlling men who target young women rarely change that tendency.

 

Also, statistically, it's unlikely this will be her last romance. He might be her forever-future, but the odds are against it.

 

Hopefully you can ride this out. And unless he was genuinely a major problem when he visited your home, I suggest you re-think not having him around. It seems like an unnecessary act of rejection of her good judgement and of someone who clearly means a lot to her right now. You could all make an effort to let him grow on you in the meantime.

[bettyandbob]

When I was 17 I started dating a man who was 23. He was a parent's worst nightmare. He was a high school dropout. He always worked, but deadend jobs. My dad said I couldn't see him. So, I started lying. I never lied to my parents before that. The relationship ran its course in 3.5 years. By then I was in my third year at a very competitive university (doing the right things dad wanted me to do) and the man was taking courses at cc. He visited me many times at university and I visited him. I can say he was the kindest man I dated besides dh. I was the one who ended the relationship. I then dated men my dad liked who actually treated me like crap. According to my dad, they were the "right kind" of men to date. 

 

That man I dated at 17 is friends with me still. He did finish his degree from a well known university in another state, has a decent job, married a great girl and owns his house. Maybe he had a slow start or some stumbles into adulthood, but it was clear to me he was still a great guy and planned to get on a positive stable path.  

 

Based on my experience I think there's a point you have to trust your dd's judgement. It's very difficult when you've been protective of your dc for so long. 

[swellmomma]

I was dating a 20 year old when I was 16.  He treated me better than many boys my own age ever did when I dated them. We were never sexual with each other, not that it would matter since the age of consent in my province is 16.  Now if it were my daughter it would depend, if she were 17 but graduating this year and heading off to college in a couple months I would be more okay with it than if she was 17 but only in 11th grade.  For me it is less about age then about where they are in life.  A student in the middle of high school is at a different point in life than a high schooler about to start college which would put her on a more level playing field with him since he is in college kwim.  

[Barb_]

Well, if anything I feel better knowing I'm handling it as well as could be expected. Except for the not having him over part. Maybe I'll invite him for thanksgiving. We're expecting my parents and both my older daughters' boyfriends...that should be interesting. Ok. I'm going to keep thinking in that direction.

 

We had a bad situation with my oldest daughter when she was in college. She got tangled up with a neo-nazi sociopath gun-nut who tried to kill himself at her dorm sophomore year. I may be reading more into it than is there. I'm gun shy and wish he'd just go away.

[gardenmom5]

17 yo - I would let her know how much legal trouble he could get in for dating a minor - and if she really cares about him, she will cool things until she's over 18.  THEN I would get her really planning her future, college, having a life, etc.  how much is she looking forward to college?  anything to help her understand how much things cost.  like a life.  house, car, food, utliities, children, etc.  let her know if she wants these things - she needs to be in a position where she is ready for them both emotionally - and fiscally.  (I don't have a problem with serious college students starting a family as they are still more likely to finish than a 'well, I don't have anything better to do/this is what is expected of me" student.)

 

the age difference doens't bother me nearly as much as he isn't doing anything with his life.  I'm sorry he's has rough things in his life - but your dd can't fix that.  if he's dealing with emotional stuff from his background, he needs a professional - not your dd.  I'm really serious about that -it  can mess up her life, and her future children's life forever.  how sincere is he about college?  how driven is he about graduating with a marketable degree?

what about your dd? 
 

[Barb_]

When I was 17 I started dating a man who was 23. He was a parent's worst nightmare. He was a high school dropout. He always worked, but deadend jobs. My dad said I couldn't see him. So, I started lying. I never lied to my parents before that. The relationship ran its course in 3.5 years. By then I was in my third year at a very competitive university (doing the right things dad wanted me to do) and the man was taking courses at cc. He visited me many times at university and I visited him. I can say he was the kindest man I dated besides dh. I was the one who ended the relationship. I then dated men my dad liked who actually treated me like crap. According to my dad, they were the "right kind" of men to date.

 

That man I dated at 17 is friends with me still. He did finish his degree from a well known university in another state, has a decent job, married a great girl and owns his house. Maybe he had a slow start or some stumbles into adulthood, but it was clear to me he was still a great guy and planned to get on a positive stable path.

 

Based on my experience I think there's a point you have to trust your dd's judgement. It's very difficult when you've been protective of your dc for so long.

Betty, thank you for this. I can only see the worst case scenarios ahead of her. I'm just too close to the situation. My own husband was spinning his wheels when we met and he was 25 (although I was 21 and the type to give him large nudges in the right direction). Deep breath and let it sort itself out.

[Barb_]

I was dating a 20 year old when I was 16. He treated me better than many boys my own age ever did when I dated them. We were never sexual with each other, not that it would matter since the age of consent in my province is 16. Now if it were my daughter it would depend, if she were 17 but graduating this year and heading off to college in a couple months I would be more okay with it than if she was 17 but only in 11th grade. For me it is less about age then about where they are in life. A student in the middle of high school is at a different point in life than a high schooler about to start college which would put her on a more level playing field with him since he is in college kwim.

No, she is home for another year yet. She has a fall birthday, so she is starting her senior year. I wouldn't be quite as worried if she were leaving in august. A lot can happen in a year (well, 14 months). She's a great student but is reluctant to leave home and start college herself. She will because she will probably receive a scholarship to our flagship uni with her PSAT scores, but she's not excited...even before this guy.

[lynn]

So many people have told me the less said the better.  I hope can remember that when my dd starts dating.  I hope she will have high standards for herself and not get into a situation I would not approve of I know there are no guarantees.   I have no words just  :grouphug:  from one mom to another.  I know teen years age challenging in so many different ways and we all want only the best for our children.

[Barb_]

So many people have told me the less said the better. I hope can remember that when my dd starts dating. I hope she will have high standards for herself and not get into a situation I would not approve of I know there are no guarantees. I have no words just :grouphug: from one mom to another. I know teen years age challenging in so many different ways and we all want only the best for our children.

No kidding. It's tough to parent when you've already just about put yourself out of a job.

[Lady Florida.]

We had a bad situation with my oldest daughter when she was in college. She got tangled up with a neo-nazi sociopath gun-nut who tried to kill himself at her dorm sophomore year. I may be reading more into it than is there. I'm gun shy and wish he'd just go away.

 

Oh my goodness! I can see why you'd be extra worried and protective after what happened to her sister. 

[Barb_]

17 yo - I would let her know how much legal trouble he could get in for dating a minor - and if she really cares about him, she will cool things until she's over 18. THEN I would get her really planning her future, college, having a life, etc. how much is she looking forward to college? anything to help her understand how much things cost. like a life. house, car, food, utliities, children, etc. let her know if she wants these things - she needs to be in a position where she is ready for them both emotionally - and fiscally. (I don't have a problem with serious college students starting a family as they are still more likely to finish than a 'well, I don't have anything better to do/this is what is expected of me" student.)

 

the age difference doens't bother me nearly as much as he isn't doing anything with his life. I'm sorry he's has rough things in his life - but your dd can't fix that. if he's dealing with emotional stuff from his background, he needs a professional - not your dd. I'm really serious about that -it can mess up her life, and her future children's life forever. how sincere is he about college? how driven is he about graduating with a marketable degree?

what about your dd?

 

These are all also really good questions. I've gingerly tried to approach them with her and I've encouraged her to suggest he go for counseling. My daughter is highly capable but not terribly ambitious or excited about growing up herself. He's going part time I think?

[Barb_]

Oh my goodness! I can see why you'd be extra worried and protective after what happened to her sister.

Yeah, and I'm not sure how much of this is legitimate worry and how much is guilt that I didn't step in with the older daughter when I heard alarm bells. I shiver when I think of how much worse that situation could have played out.

 

This guy is a grown up. Should I sit down with him and have a serious talk? Maybe we need to clear the air. My husband works out if state and isn't involved in the daily ins and outs of the situation, so he isn't an option.

[goldberry]

Married DH when I was 19 and he was 25.  He had *nothing* going on.  He lived in an apt with 2 other guys, and worked an almost minimum wage job. Looking back, I have to give my parents props because they let me figure it out.

 

He was not inherently clueless, but had been raised in a very "day-to-day wherever the wind takes us" environment.  That was normal to him.  It did cause us some problems early in the marraige. I was "ok, what now?" and he was "what do you mean, what now?" :huh:  We eventually balanced each other, but it took some rough times.

 

Dh is a wonderful caretaker and hard worker.  Because of him I am able to homeschool, take care of DD, etc.  He never turned into a fireball corporate climber...but he is wonderfully sensitive and understanding and accepting and supportive...so, we're good!

 

Would I be horrified if that was DD at 19?  Probably.  I would try to help her think it through, though, and not make too many snap judgments.

[Liz CA]

All excellent questions. Yes we're open about the relationship. I've told her how I feel. If he was working and going to school (he's part time at the CC), I think I would feel a little better. I don't want her to be one of the young women I see trying to work, go to school, take care of a baby on 4 hours of sleep, and support a guy with little or no work ethic. I hope I'm wrong, but I can't see this ending well.

 

I don't actually have him come over here any longer. He makes the younger children uncomfortable. I'm not sure why, except that he's hard to get to know. Also I feel like having him here condones a relationship that I'm pretty firmly against. But I admit I could be misguided there.

 

Neither of them seems to have any friendships outside of their relationship and for a while they were either texting or talking on the phone 16-20 hours a day. I put an end to that when I discovered it, because it didn't seem healthy.

 

Oh ,there is additional info here now. Texting or phone contact in such excess is a bit of a red flag, so is the lack of other friends.

Any way to encourage friendships with girls her age?

Interesting that he makes the younger ones uncomfortable. Is he awkward socially or is there more to it?

Now I am suddenly thinking of shipping her off to an aunt who lives in another state (if you have such a handy arrangement) just to separate them for a while...

What does Dad say? Could he have a conversation with him, pointing out she is still a minor...and show him his gun collection?

Never mind - just read another post where you mention Dad is out of town.

 

How about a relative who needs some company for a little while - out of state... :wacko:

[Barb_]

I think there are two things to consider, and then there is the 'overlap' of the two issues. Think 'venn diagram'....

 

e.

Snipped for brevity, but this was a terrific post with a ton of points to ponder. I suppose my preoccupation with his age comes from the concern that at 24 (or maybe he's closer to 25? I honestly don't know..) brain plasticity slows down. An 18yo has a lot if maturing left to do and an 18yo graduate who is content to sit around with no job and no prospects is in a sense, within the range of normal development. Not desirable, but normal. But at 24 or 25, I think there is less of a chance for major personality change and the lack of willingness to work becomes more worrisome.

 

Everything else you've said is interesting and helps me to look at this from a different angle. I'm going to have to come back to this post later after I've had a chance to think it over.

[Barb_]

Oh ,there is additional info here now. Texting or phone contact in such excess is a bit of a red flag, so is the lack of other friends.

Any way to encourage friendships with girls her age?

Interesting that he makes the younger ones uncomfortable. Is he awkward socially or is there more to it?

Now I am suddenly thinking of shipping her off to an aunt who lives in another state (if you have such a handy arrangement) just to separate them for a while...

What does Dad say? Could he have a conversation with him, pointing out she is still a minor...and show him his gun collection?

Ha! Nah. I'm the scary one. Rich loves everybody and just assumes everything will work out. He actually lives out of state for work and I've considered having her do her senior year out there but decided it would be too much of an overreaction, at least at this point.

[Barb_]

?

Interesting that he makes the younger ones uncomfortable. Is he awkward socially or is there more to it?

 

I think it's just that he's socially awkward. The teenagers have asked if it's ok if they stay in their rooms when he visits. I wonder if there is some ASD or mental illness going on.

[MomatHWTK]

The things you have mentioned made me wonder about ASD I just didn't want to be the first one to mention it. :) 

[Katy]

I think I'd be more concerned that your other kids feel he gives them the creeps and WHY your daughter is attracted to him than anything else.

 

Have you asked her why she thinks her siblings don't like him?

[Liz CA]

The things you have mentioned made me wonder about ASD I just didn't want to be the first one to mention it. :)

 

Asperger's also comes across as socially awkward in some people.

Anyway, I would monitor a lot. Ask questions with a casual air. I would have him come over regardless of the weird vibes the other kids are getting. Make an effort of drawing him into conversations and asking him about his plans for college, their plans when they go out on dates, anything. There is something about knowing that this girl is protected by a loving family.

 

I agree with Bolt that you should be able to ride this out but it's never fun, is it? And I am so sorry about your eldest daughter's experience at college. I remember a post about that too.

However this is a different girl and another guy. It's hard to not have a knee-jerk reaction when one has been down a scary path.

[kitten18]

Yeah...he has no life plan. He used to have money but he blew it on travel. His mom pays for his tuition. I don't think his lack of motivation would bug me as much if he were 18 or 19. By 20 I think it's no longer developmentally appropriate, you know?

I would be VERY, VERY unhappy about this.

[Barb_]

That doesn't sound like all that much of an age difference. And they really are at similar places in life in a way. They both go to school (or homeschool). They both live with their parents. It's not like he is bringing her back to "his place". Whatever she is doing with him she could just as easily be doing with someone who is 18. KWIM?

 

I dunno this doesn't sound all that crazy.

 

The other details you were more vague about. Are they huge concerns or is it because he is older? I can't tell.

 

 

I guess I'm bothered because she's just getting ready to start her adult life and he has already had his chance. They're in the same life stage because he has just sort of pissed away the last six years. I wouldn't be happy if she were 21 or 22 and dating someone so clearly lacking in work ethic, but the fact that she is 17 means she isn't really capable of supporting him financially or emotionally if it came to that.

[MomatHWTK]

Thinking about it more, I'd probably want to spend as much time as possible observing the two together to see if I could figure out what the attraction was and where he really was as far as maturity.  I can understand why the other children being unhappy about it would make that more difficult. 

[Barb_]

I think I'd be more concerned that your other kids feel he gives them the creeps and WHY your daughter is attracted to him than anything else.

 

Have you asked her why she thinks her siblings don't like him?

No, I don't think I've told her they don't care for him. I don't want her to think we are ganging up, KWIM?

[Alicia64]

Curious, I just asked DH and he immediately said, "Nope. In some states it would be against the law. And I'd feel that way if it was a 17 yr. old son and a woman in her twenties. Nope again."

 

 

[Katy]

Yeah, I get it.  I take it her siblings are too polite to say they hate him?

[Katy]

When you talked to her about it, what did she say?