Sigh. I just . . . didn't need this today. (Vent, I guess.)

[Jenny in Florida]

My son's choir is going to NYC next month. They have been invited to participate in a choir festival and will be singing at Carnegie Hall. It's very cool. We're all very excited. I was somewhat less excited when I had to write the check for the final installment of the fees a couple of weeks ago, especially since we didn't know at the time we committed to paying for the trip that we would also need to start paying his college tuition this fall, but it's still cool.

 

Because this will be his last summer at home as a high school student, he wanted to take this last opportunity to do a show with a local youth theatre summer stock program. The rehearsal dates do overlap the choir's trip, but we noted the conflicts on the audition form, He was accepted to the program, approved to miss the days we indicated he would need for the choir trip, and we paid his tuition.

 

Yesterday, we got an e-mail from the choir director saying that choir rehearsals will be continuing for the three weeks in between the end of the regular season and the day they leave on the trip and that they have scheduled a dress rehearsal for one Friday afternoon. All of those rehearsals would conflict with the theatre rehearsals, and because I didn't know about them when my son auditioned in April, we didn't put them on the conflicts form. I know from previous experience with the theatre that they will not approve any additional absences. And even the days my son is already scheduled to miss may affect how he is cast in the show.

 

I sent the choir director a very apologetic e-mail explaining the issue and letting her know that we would be happy to discuss ways to reduce the inconvenience to her and the choir, but that my son is not available for these additional rehearsals. I knew should would be irritated, but I also know that we've already paid the full cost of the trip, that the reservations have been made and that my son knows all of the music cold. (In fact, it is acknowledged by both the other choristers and the director that he pretty much holds down his section.) Also, frankly, the director already knows my son is on his way out after the trip, because he is graduating and going to college.

 

Meanwhile, I'm having a rough day today, emotionally. My daughter is counting down the days until she moves out and heads to NYC early next month. I'm happy for her, but I'm also really, really sad, because I will miss her so very much. Most of the time, I cope. I chat with her and listen to her being excited and making plans, and I make suggestions for how she can pack and proofread her resumes and so on. But now and then it smacks me upside the head that she's actually leaving. Today happens to be one of those days. I dropped her and my son off at the dance school earlier (where he takes class and she works the front desk and teaches an acting class), and she said goodbye to the dog (who was riding along with me), and it struck me that, in less than three weeks, she will say goodbye to the dog before she gets on the plane.

 

And I cried a bit on the way home.

 

So, you can imagine how much fun it was to get back to my computer and find a truly furious e-mail from the choir director, saying I should have anticipated that rehearsals would continue for those three weeks and absolutely demanding that he attend the dress rehearsal. The "or else" was definitely implied.

 

It's a mess, really, because there is no way the theatre is going to excuse him for that afternoon. I probably should have guessed the choir would want those days to rehearse, but I didn't. If I had thought about it, I would have told my son not to bother auditioning for the show, because it would just be too many days to miss.

 

And so now it's my fault this will be unpleasant for my son. And I have to figure out how to beg one group or the other for mercy. And it's his last summer to participate in the theatre program -- which he didn't do last year because we couldn't afford it and didn't do the summer before because it conflicted with the choir's England tour , , ,

 

Ugh, I just hate all of it right now.

 

 

 

 

[marbel]

I'm sorry.  I don't have anything to offer except :grouphug: :grouphug: .  And this:  don't take the burden of guilt.  Don't take it.    "I probably should have guessed the choir would..."  Really?  They should have told you; they should have had the full schedule laid out well in advance so people could plan.  

 

I haven't been involved in anything of this importance, but I have many times been surprised by sudden requirements that had not been set out at the beginning.  

 

It is not your fault.

[Reefgazer]

Let him choose which is willing to forfeit (potentially permanently) and go forward from there.

[JFSinIL]

At least, sounds like your son is old enough to step up and now do his own arguing and making a choice of what to do.  You can fume in the background (and keep writing checks) - it is what we parents of older kids gt to do :-(

 

"Because this will be his last summer at home as a high school student, he wanted to take this last opportunity to do a show with a local youth theatre summer stock program. The rehearsal dates do overlap the choir's trip, but we noted the conflicts on the audition form, He was accepted to the program, approved to miss the days we indicated he would need for the choir trip, and we paid his tuition."

 

He can discuss with the choir director that he needs to honor this commitment, too...and that he expects his parent's payment to be fully reimbursed if he is unable to go on the trip.  If he had been informed of the additional rehearsal dates in a timely fashion he would not have taken on the theater project, too - but he is not going to leave them in the lurch. The theater folks are already accommodating his choir commitments. 

 

Let him speak up for himself now.  The choir director may bend in order not to lose a prime singer if he talks to the young man and not his mother.

[regentrude]

I am sorry you have to deal with this.

What struck me about your post, however, was that you write how you are making all the arrangements, setting up the schedule, corresponding with the director... - these are things your son should be doing. This is his problem. Have him sort this out.

Good luck.

 

And sorry you feel sad about your DD leaving.. I am in a similar situation and can relate. Hugs.

[J-rap]

Sorry.  :grouphug:   Reminds me of a couple situations we've had when my kids wanted to do everything and I remember the stress of trying to make it work.  You will get past this one way or another;  don't beat yourself up about it.  You and your son just do what you can, and that's all you can do, right?  Then it's in someone else's hands.

 

It's hard when kids go away but it's exciting too.  You'll have a fun place to visit!   I think the first is the hardest.  When my son first left (at age 18) he was going across the ocean to ride his bike across Europe alone.  I was paranoid I would never see him again (I imagined a truck hitting him!) and I remember crying as I was checking out at Target, while buying him snacks for the airplane ride.  (The poor cashier had no idea what to do!)   It gets easier!  And then, you feel really happy for their neat opportunities and new experiences.

[Susan in TN]

((Jenny))

[fraidycat]

Unless the choir director is willing to:

 

1) reimburse the full cost of NY trip or

2) reimburse full cost of theater tuition

 

You can tell him/her to "Suck it up, Buttercup. The world does not revolve around you, and piss poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part."

 

Ie: additional, not previously planned practices need to accomodate YOU and other choir performers, not the other way around.

 

Chances are they'll suck it up, your son will miss the practices and have a blast singing at Carnegie Hall. The implied "or else" seems rather blustery to me, but only that...full of hot air with very little substance.

[Kfamily]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[catz]

I have had similiar situations with schedling and theater conflicts. I have no sympathy for the choir director who thinks you should have been able to read his mind and didnt publish a reliable calendar at the time you made the committment. That is completely unprofessional. Yes, sometimes thing get changed, but then you have to deal with the consequences of not setting your calendar soon enough. He'd be the one I (or preferably the kid at age 16) would go after for sure.

 

Sorry about dd, but it sounds like an exciting time for her!

[Carol in Cal.]

I disagree with those who have said that you should delegate this to your son.

This is a very tricky situation, and he does not have the experience to figure out how to handle it at this crucial point.  If you were going to turn this over to him, it should have happened sooner, when things were relatively smooth.

Now it is up to you to evaluate what you think you can negotiate.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this.  BTDT, totally.

 

If you want to talk more about what your choices might be, give a high sign and we will pitch in.

 

I agree that the choir director should have signaled this earlier, but I know that that doesn't really help the situation too much.  Has this choir ever done a big trip before?  Was it a reasonable expectation that a lot more rehearsals would be added?  IME, choir directors often start out with a very hard line, and then back down if you're firm but reasonable.  I'm guessing that in this case there would be some kind of compromise schedule that would be able to be worked out. 

[Laurie4b]

Transition to parenting young adults is HARD!  :grouphug: :grouphug: :crying: :grouphug: :grouphug:  on your dd leaving. It is just hard, and it is a grief.

 

And I agree with others. Your ds needs to sort out things with the two groups. That is part of the letting go. :grouphug:

[fraidycat]

I wouldn't turn this over to your son at this point. A hard line needs to be drawn with a full grown adult who is an "authority" figure in this young man's life- this is not navigating a sticky situation, it is drawing a firm boundary and sticking to it. Now is not the time to hand it over to a 16 year old. He can be part of it, but not in charge.

[trulycrabby]

You have already gotten great advice, so I will offer hugs! :grouphug:

[Twigs]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

This is not your fault. I hope everything works out well for your family.

[myfunnybunch]

Hugs, hugs, hugs.

 

The choir director is in the wrong. No one should be expected to anticipate and schedule around unexpected rehearsals. It stinks, and it's really unfair that he's furious with you. My guess is that his poor planning is resulting in many "sorry, we can't make it" emails, and he's frustrated and overwhelmed. Probably also worried about getting "If you let him do it, why can't my chorister miss too?" pushback from other parents, too.That certainly doesn't excuse his reaction, but his level of upset probably doesn't have so much to do with your personal situation.

 

I agree that you should let him know what unless the choir is willing to refund the cost of the trip, he should take responsibility for the results of his lack of communication and allow your son to miss. If necessary, you can take it to the governing body of the choir, whether there's a board of directors or an owner or executive director. (I am our children's choir president, and I know I'd FOR SURE hear about it if one of our directors pulled something like this.)

 

I also might beg the theater for a little mercy, but acknowledge that you understand that the choir director's poor communication is absolutely not their problem, so you're willing to accept whatever they decide. They might be willing to excuse 1-2 more rehearsals or allow for a couple late arrivals. But I would do it knowing that you're really going out of your way for the choir director.

 

More hugs. Hang in there.

 

Cat

[elegantlion]

What are you, a mind reader? You're probably not the only one with a conflict in scheduling.  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[shanvan]

Absolutely NOT YOUR FAULT.  Please update us when the situation is resolved. :grouphug: If it makes you feel any better, I get teary sometimes when photos of my Dc from 2 or more years ago flash across the computer screen.  Time is just going by so fast.  More  :grouphug:   

[Muttichen]

We had a somewhat similar situation last spring.  Ds was the featured soloist in a youth orchestra concert and then qualified for the Intel International Science Fair which fell right on the dress rehearsal.  I emailed the director and told her the concert was the first priority (he had been practicing for a year!) but he really wanted to go to the science fair. He had been the year before and was already into college at that point, so it wasn't terribly important that he go, but still, qualifying is a big deal.  Anyway, she and the conductor were furious at first and I got some stress-inducing emails, but they eventually chilled enough that we could work out a solution (long Saturday rehearsals before and after the science fair).  He won a prize at the science fair and the concert ended up being amazing.

 

So, give it a couple of days.  Let the choir director think it over and maybe she'll come around!

[LibraryLover]

:grouphug:

[Jenny in Florida]

Thanks, everyone. I appreciate both the hugs and the supportive indignation.

 

Initially,I was upset, but now I'm working my way around to being angry.

 

For the record, I normally do expect my son to manage his scheduling for himself. In this case, the choir director's e-mail went out to parents, because it contained a bunch of information about preparations for the tour. My son is one of the "big kids" in the choir nowadays. And since most of the kids are younger, the majority of important communication tends to involve parents. I answered the e-mail both because it was addressed to me as the parent and because my son is extremely busy these days trying to finish up the online and home-based courses that went on the back burner while he was doing dual enrollment and the dance competition season and also prepare for his dance recital coming up in a couple of weeks. (He teaches a couple of classes in addition to taking classes, and the senior competition group is just now choreographing and learning their production number. It's a busy time at the studio.) I did read it to him before I sent it and make sure he was okay with how I worded things.

 

At this point, though, I don't want to dump the problem in his lap. 

 

I did talk to my son about the whole thing once we got home from dance. We've decided to sit on it for a couple of days and give everyone a chance to chill out a bit, then work together to write a response. 

 

I'll let you all know how it turns out.