My DD cries constantly.

[ajfries]

She'll be 4 next month, and I cannot handle it. This morning she couldn't find any jeans. She was starting to get all amped up & I said, cheerfully, as if I have nothing better to do, "I can help you with that!" and she THREW HERSELF ON THE FLOOR and full on started bawling. I mean, the dramatics. Her big brother tends to get angry. I get that. I can handle anger. But the crying. At the drop of the hat, over the stupidest things. It infuriates me. I yell. And then she starts crying for real, of course. And all day long, we're just WAITING for Laila's next fit. (For the record, it's not always, always like this, but the last few days have been awful.)

 

I desperately need advice. She's highly articulate and always has been and it completely baffles me as to why she would choose to cry. I tell her all.the.time "If you need help, just ask. If Shawn is hurting your feelings, you need to say so." I just don't know what to do. I usually yell "Why are you crying?!?!" And then she gets MORE upset (because, DUH) and sometimes I never do find out what the heck was bothering her in the first place.

 

Can I just remove her from the situation? Take her to her room until she's calm enough to "use her words"? Her fits constantly ruin dinner or interrupt conversations that I'm having with DH or with the other kids. I *think* her love language is physical affection & I usually try really hard to keep her "tank full" but I just feel this anger toward her when she acts like this. I need to not take it so personally, for one.

[Just Kate]

Oh my goodness, my six year old dd does this (yes, she's been doing it for a while). I have no advice but will be watching this thread!!!

 

[SproutMamaK]

Watching this thread as well. My 6 year old boy does this over the most random stuff, drives me INSANE.

[fairfarmhand]

I send criers for no reason to sit on their bed to cry.

 

And although she is articulate, when the feelings ramp up she may be unable to verbalize it. I can be like this. Part of it is that she's 4. 4 year olds often cry lots.

 

Make sure that she's getting enough sleep, meals regularly. Some of my kids don't handle breaks in the routine very well. I know my ds6 cries much more when he's not rested or is coming down with an illness. And for some reason, if he stays up late, he'll be whiny/weepy even if by some miracle he slept in a bit.

[almondbutterandjelly]

I have always found that books help.  There are a ton of picture books about feelings, specifically geared to preschoolers.  Maybe make this a regular part of your day, reading a book about feelings.  My dd is 13 now and still a bit of a crier, but our latest book, an American Girl book about feelings, has been helpful.

[gardenmom5]

for her to be so on edge that it doesn't take much to push her over the edge, I'd guess there is something else going on.  same with your son whom you say has an anger problem.  two sides of the same coin, just manifest differently.

 

does she get enough sleep?

does she have any food sensitivities?

is she overstimulated?  (some kids act like they are craving more stimulation when they are already over the limit.  it's learning to pull them out when they've had enough, but before they start melting down.)

are things at home geared towards calm enough for her?

even if she's given up her nap - make sure you have some "quiet time" build into her day.

 

eta: I was a crier.  I had anxiety and it was never addressed.

[Miss Tick]

My kids went through this at about that age. In retrospect I wondered if there is some kind of hormonal change going on. It seems a lot like a mini-puberty.

 

So perhaps if it can be attributed to some kind of physiological change it will be easier to deal with from the adult side. I found that was true when I understood why bed-writing happens, suddenly I didn't take it personally anymore.

[ajfries]

for her to be so on edge that it doesn't take much to push her over the edge, I'd guess there is something else going on.  same with your son whom you say has an anger problem.  two sides of the same coin, just manifest differently.

 

does she get enough sleep?

does she have any food sensitivities?

is she overstimulated?  (some kids act like they are craving more stimulation when they are already over the limit.  it's learning to pull them out when they've had enough, but before they start melting down.)

are things at home geared towards calm enough for her?

even if she's given up her nap - make sure you have some "quiet time" build into her day.

 

DS doesn't have anger problems. I never said that (and now I sound like I'm in denial). When he's upset, he gets frustrated/angry. When DD is upset, she cries. Honestly, this isn't a chronic problem. People, adults, get upset and handle it differently. I can handle it when DS gets angry because I tend to get angry. I know what helps me & so I use that to help him.

 

I truly believe it's a phase, but I need tools to make it better, not worse.

 

She eats every 2 hours. Like clock work. Food sensitivities? I have no reason to suspect that. Overstimulated? She's the most "stimulating" in our household. Constantly talking, moving, interacting. DS will play quietly by himself, but she seems to crave interaction. If anything, she's probably doesn't get as much 1 on 1 as she'd like, but part of that is because nobody likes to be around screeching people (and even then we play with her & do school and have conversations).

 

Are things at home geared towards calm enough for her? I don't know what that means. She's got  5 year old & 18 month old brothers. Things only get so calm around here. They certainly aren't calm enough for her logical, introverted mother. :laugh:

 

She still naps in the afternoon. Goes to bed at 8 & wakes at 7ish.

[73349]

DS has always been easily upset, too. Along with making sure he never gets too hungry or tired, I've found it helpful as soon as the problem seems to be appearing to ask something like, "What would you like to do about this?" And if he can't think of any possible solution and it looks like a trip to Total Drama Island is all that's on his mind, I start with some "I wonder if we could..." suggestions.

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

Research gifted emotional overexcitiblilities and see if you think it fits.

[ajfries]

I have always found that books help.  There are a ton of picture books about feelings, specifically geared to preschoolers.  Maybe make this a regular part of your day, reading a book about feelings.  My dd is 13 now and still a bit of a crier, but our latest book, an American Girl book about feelings, has been helpful.

Yes! Books. We love books! Thank you.

 

SusanC, I think you're right. Like I said, I really take it personally when she's upset. As if she's doing it on purpose to upset ME. I just feel so manipulated when she tantrums. And that makes me mad. I think if I approach it as, 'How can I help her THROUGH this,' that would be good.

 

Apparently my kids aren't the only ones who need help to get a handle on their emotions. I've got some work to do myself. Sigh.

[gardenmom5]

DS doesn't have anger problems. I never said that (and now I sound like I'm in denial). When he's upset, he gets frustrated/angry. When DD is upset, she cries. Honestly, this isn't a chronic problem. People, adults, get upset and handle it differently. I can handle it when DS gets angry because I tend to get angry. I know what helps me & so I use that to help him.

 

I truly believe it's a phase, but I need tools to make it better, not worse.

 

She eats every 2 hours. Like clock work. Food sensitivities? I have no reason to suspect that. Overstimulated? She's the most "stimulating" in our household. Constantly talking, moving, interacting. DS will play quietly by himself, but she seems to crave interaction. If anything, she's probably doesn't get as much 1 on 1 as she'd like, but part of that is because nobody likes to be around screeching people (and even then we play with her & do school and have conversations).

 

Are things at home geared towards calm enough for her? I don't know what that means. She's got  5 year old & 18 month old brothers. Things only get so calm around here. They certainly aren't calm enough for her logical, introverted mother. :laugh:

 

She still naps in the afternoon. Goes to bed at 8 & wakes at 7ish.I'

 

 

Her big brother tends to get angry

   anger is still his reaction to being upset. 

 

  I asked questions of things to think about.  I'm sorry for offending you.

[mathnerd]

My DS who is very articulate, patient, well tempered, well mannered, sunny and happy will burst into tears for no reason and at those times, even a small frustration like not being able to find an eraser or pencil will set him off.

 

His triggers are - extreme tiredness or exhaustion, lack of sleep (staying up late or long trips), coming down with an infection, having finished a very strenuous activity like a sparring class or basketball in the full sun or a growth spurt. We know these triggers and will isolate him and give him enforced down time with an audio book or just his legos. He is usually fine after an hour of restful activities. We also enforce earlier bedtimes on those days.

[JustEm]

My dd turn 4 in a week.  She cries a lot too!! I have found that she cries because she just gets overwhelmed VERY quickly.  She could literally be fine one second and the next second in full on crying fits.  She can not be reasoned with when she is crying, its as if she doesn't hear anything while she's crying.  One thing that has helped her is talking about her emotions and emotions in general when she is not upset.  I try to explain to her that crying is one way to get your emotions out and tell her other ways.  I've explained to her that when she is crying I can not help her with her problem, aside from hugging/ holding her, since she is not communicating what is wrong to me.  I've given her options like excusing herself to cry and then coming to talk once she is able to talk or drawing me a picture of how she feels.  The drawing has really helped with her crying.  Another thing that has helped is me asking her to quietly make a face at me to show me how she feels.  If she is able to do that in the moment I will then make a face and ask her how she thinks I feel.  It distracts her and entertains her enough to get over whatever problem she was feeling overwhelmed about.  

[ajfries]

   anger is still his reaction to being upset. 

 

  I asked questions of things to think about.  I'm sorry for offending you.

 

 

No, Kristen, I'm sorry. I'm defensive & feel a bit like a failure, I had asked myself some of those questions but, well, I just don't know if it really is that simple or if it's just a phase or if there is something else going on :) I'm deeply entrenched in exploring the personalities & preferences of my kids right now & she baffles me.

 

Also, I don't really feel like being angry or crying are improper ways to react to being upset, within reason. It's ok to be mad, but it's not ok to hurt someone. It's ok to cry, but it's not ok to interrupt everyone else's lives with it, I guess.

[AK_Mom4]

Research gifted emotional overexcitiblilities and see if you think it fits.

:iagree:

 

You can see that all my kids are older now - we did survive this and came out the other side.  Age 4 was really rough.

 

You can give them all the tools in the world, but at age 4, they mostly can't use them.  But the tools you give her now will help when this kicks in at age 6 ... and 7 and 10.  Read the books with her (when she isn't upset).  Try the "What would you like to do about.... " questions and all the other excellent suggestions above.

 

But don't feel too bad about sending her somewhere else to finish crying.  Your sanity and staying calm is important to her too.  She may *need* to blow off steam and cry it out, but at four, she can do that in another room and come back to join everyone when she is calmer. 

 

We are well past those days now and I will say that both of my cryers grew up to be great, happy, emotionally-balanced young folks.  We just has to survive the "loud years".

[zoobie]

Google sensory processing issues and see if it fits. I think The Out of Synch Child is usually recommended for a start. 

[ajfries]

Research gifted emotional overexcitiblilities and see if you think it fits.

 

This does seem to strike a chord. I'll have to do some more reading :) Thanks!

[gardenmom5]

No, Kristen, I'm sorry. I'm defensive & feel a bit like a failure, I had asked myself some of those questions but, well, I just don't know if it really is that simple or if it's just a phase or if there is something else going on :) I'm deeply entrenched in exploring the personalities & preferences of my kids right now & she baffles me.

 

Also, I don't really feel like being angry or crying are improper ways to react to being upset, within reason. It's ok to be mad, but it's not ok to hurt someone. It's ok to cry, but it's not ok to interrupt everyone else's lives with it, I guess.

 

when they are frequent - to the point of causing other problems, something. is. wrong.

 

you said she

 

She's the most "stimulating" in our household. Constantly talking, moving, interacting. DS will play quietly by himself, but she seems to crave interaction

.  with her reactions she very much sounds like a sensory child, who craves stimulation, but is very easily over-stimulated.  (it's a conundrum, but it's there)

 

[fairfarmhand]

No, Kristen, I'm sorry. I'm defensive & feel a bit like a failure, I had asked myself some of those questions but, well, I just don't know if it really is that simple or if it's just a phase or if there is something else going on :) I'm deeply entrenched in exploring the personalities & preferences of my kids right now & she baffles me.

 

Also, I don't really feel like being angry or crying are improper ways to react to being upset, within reason. It's ok to be mad, but it's not ok to hurt someone. It's ok to cry, but it's not ok to interrupt everyone else's lives with it, I guess.

 

You're not a failure because your FOUR year old cries about all kinds of stuff!  My son is 6. He came and sat in my lap one day and started bawling because he thought about when I get old and die, he'll miss me!!!! He cried this morning because he dropped mess on his favorite blanket. Then he cried when I stuck it in the washing machine.

 

My dh has a hard time with criers too. He's like you. Frustration and hurt make him angry.

 

He's mentioned that he thinks that crying is manipulative. For me, (I'm a crier) when things are too much, it's like my overflow switch has been activated. I'm mad, I cry. I'm hurt, I cry. I promise I am so much better about it than I used to be. BTW, you can be a crier and still be strong. I am a very strong person. I just weep easily.

 

The bolded is what you need to work on. You have the mental understanding of this issue, but it hasn't quite reached your emotional core yet, accepting crying as an equally valid way of handling unpleasant situations.

 

My criers sit in their room for a few minutes. The quiet helps them regroup. I usually say, "Okay, you look like you need about 5 minutes to get control. Take some deep breaths. (I demonstrate) and wind yourself down. When you are done crying I will be so glad to talk to you about the problem and help you solve it." They may need privacy to get through this. I remember as a child ending up in tears about things in school, Then I was embarrassed about the tears, which made things worse.

 

If I can do this calmly, it helps a ton. Criers get more upset when someone gets angry about their crying because now someone's mad at them on top of what originally caused the issue. Criers need gentleness and understanding.

[NicAnn]

No advice just commiseration and hugs!

[gardenmom5]

Google sensory processing issues and see if it fits. I think The Out of Synch Child is usually recommended for a start. 

 

:iagree:  

I'm pretty sure I was a sensory kid (with anxiety).  my brother was the only one who could calm me down - and it didn't take much to set me off. 

 

dudeling is a sensory kid (so was 1ds, only I didn't understand very well.) - and sometimes only 1ds could calm him. (I was his second choice.  I feel so loved. :glare: )  I do not allow him to get as overstimulated/upset as I often was.    I know what is worth fighting over and what isn't.  he is also made to understand what is negotiable - and what isn't. at that age I had to be VERY CLEAR about expectations - with him looking me in the face when I gave instructions.   I do alot of simply removing him from a situation. 

 

I've handled him much differently than my mother handled me - and he's having a much easier time.

[Starr]

Along with many other approaches I find sending a child to their room to calm down is not a bad thing.   :grouphug:

[Guest submarines]

For my similar child I find the months before birthdays are still the hardest. :grouphug:

 

We love "What to do when" series, and this one might fit the issue: http://www.amazon.com/What-When-Brain-Stuck-What-/dp/1591478057/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1399049434&sr=1-5&keywords=what+to+do+when+your+temper+flares

 

("What to do when your brain gets stuck". We have all of them and they are excellent.)

 

I would also consider thinking that when she cries "for the drama" it is real as well. Children who feel very deeply and are emotionally excitable often look like they are performing, but it is just as real and devastating to them, especially when adults imply that it wasn't real.

 

DD is 12, and only recently explained to me why she used to cry and scream when she was 3 or 4. She has always been very verbal, but she says she still couldn't express all the complex feelings she was experiencing (and she was frustrated with herself as well, for not being able to articulate the issues.)

 

It might seem simple and minor, but to your DD it is *BIG* and really complicated. She can't express all the intricacies of her emotional turmoil to you just yet. :grouphug:

 

 

[Guest submarines]

My criers sit in their room for a few minutes. The quiet helps them regroup. I usually say, "Okay, you look like you need about 5 minutes to get control. Take some deep breaths. (I demonstrate) and wind yourself down. When you are done crying I will be so glad to talk to you about the problem and help you solve it." They may need privacy to get through this. I remember as a child ending up in tears about things in school, Then I was embarrassed about the tears, which made things worse.

 

 

If I can do this calmly, it helps a ton. Criers get more upset when someone gets angry about their crying because now someone's mad at them on top of what originally caused the issue. Criers need gentleness and understanding.

Before I had DD I couldn't even imagine the above not working--it was reasonable, respectful, gentle.

However, with an excitable, gifted + sensory issues child this only exacerbates the problem. I'm just throwing it out there, because parents with typical children don't "get" it, and parents with not so typical children start feeling like a failure when "nothing works."

 

 

[justasque]

This book, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, has *tons* of useful info on helping kids express their feelings and think through their emotions without yelling or drama. The skills it teaches, called "active listening", are useful for tots through teens, not to mention spouses and elderly folks.  It's a fairly easy/quick read, with lots of good examples.  Active listening is the most useful parenting tool in my mama toolbox.  

You may also enjoy Raising Your Spirited Child, which helps you to understand what may be going on with a child who has meltdowns.

 

[fairfarmhand]

Before I had DD I couldn't even imagine the above not working--it was reasonable, respectful, gentle.

However, with an excitable, gifted + sensory issues child this only exacerbates the problem. I'm just throwing it out there, because parents with typical children don't "get" it, and parents with not so typical children start feeling like a failure when "nothing works."

 

Yeah..this works with my son and 2 of my dds. My oldest, well not much works/or has worked. My oldest has been very advanced in many areas, but behind in emotional maturity to handle that. IOW, she can appreciate the nuances of literature, sees humor in more mature ways, but she has so many feelings swirling around that she goes on overload very easily.

[Seeking Squirrels]

My almost 6 is like this. I am at my wit's end with her. She's been throwing all out tantrums over the smallest things lately. I don't know what to do anymore. She's only been up for 2 hours today and she's had at least 3. The first was within 30 seconds of waking up. So I don't have any advice, just :::hugs:::

[Pronghorn]

I had a master crier, although for her I believe it had to do with past trauma. If there is trauma, you have to look for ways to help a child feel safe.

 

There are other things that I did that might be applicable with your child. One might seem counter-intuitive -- hold the crying child and tell her that she is having a meltdown and will feel better in a little while. With this response, your child may calm down more quickly and/or feel less need to escalate.

 

Another is do a debriefing after a child is calm. Make little paper faces that show different emotions. Use these to go through a minute-by minute analysis. What were you feeling like before you started crying? What was your playmate/brother/mother feeling like? This will help your child understand herself and others better. My child loved it and is now one of the most empathetic kids in the world!

 

You could also google "social stories" and make a little story about a wonderful child who sometimes got overwhelmed with feelings and how she gets bigger each day and is learning more and more and will someday not need to cry so much. This technique was developed with autistic kids but works for neurotypical kids too.

 

And try to work on how to think about her crying. It is inconvenient but the worst thing you can do is act all bothered by it. Stay calm. Don't take it personally. Look forward to the day when your little kid becomes a big kid and is the first to help distraught little kids because she knows how they feel. My screamer/crier is a wonderful child. I can't imagine having a better daughter.

[Entropymama]

I haven't read all the replies, but just wanted to say that I handle it by asking my kids to take some time alone. Whether it's crying or being angry I will tell them, "I understand you're upset. It's okay to feel that way. But it isn't okay to behave this way. If you feel the need to cry or pout or steam, go to your room and do that until you feel better. Then come talk to me." Once they've calmed down we talk about what was upsetting them and work through some healthier ways to deal with their emotions. Four is a little young, but not too young to understand the premise. 

[Pronghorn]

One more thing. If you ever look at your daughter and realize she is about to cry, try scooping her up with an ecstatic smile before she starts crying. Then express your amazement. "Wow, you didn't cry. I didn't know you could do that. You were feeling upset, but you didn't cry!" For my daughter, I could sometimes fend off a screaming fit this way while at the same time help her experience an alternative to crying.

[MiMi 4under3]

Is she a perfectionist? My DD will cry "for no reason" if something/anything doesn't meet her high expectations.

[ajfries]

So many things you ladies said have resonated :) I also spoke with my mom in the mean time & have had a few revelations.

 

I think she IS a perfectionist. And honestly, she may be gifted (that's so hard for me to see--she's my daughter, of course I think she's brilliant :D). She absolutely may have sensory issues. She was 2 years old before she could take a bath without screaming. Washing her hair still makes her nervous. Dogs have terrified her from infancy...without any trauma what-so-ever. We were looking at a story book about a puppy when she was very young & she started sobbing. "Puppy BITE MY FACE."  She kept pointing to the puppy in the book. Gosh, I haven't thought about that in a long time...

 

She's recently started covering her ears when she anticipates something louder than usual. Like if her brother is in trouble & there might be yelling and or crying. Which is SO hard for me to get because SHE is so loud and, well...just constant. I'm sure for those of you with experience with sensory kids, those are big fat red flags :) but, gosh. We've just handled things one at a time & looked at it as more of an issue she has than a thing she IS, if that makes sense. 

 

She's been just fine today except for the jeans thing; and no, she wasn't in a hurry today but I did rush her yesterday. But there'd be no way for her to be able to know if I was going to hurry her yesterday but not today. I absolutely think she was trying to do what she knew she should be able to do but she couldn't. And it's my fault. My fault that I rushed her yesterday & my fault that there were no clean jeans in her drawer. I never would have even thought of that...gah.

 

Reading up on Overexcitabilities it seems that I myself fit the "Intellectual Overexcitability"  category. I think DD meets some of the "Emotional Overexcitability" but often times she may rely on her big brother to help her anxieties. She's a completely different kid when she is at the doctor's alone vs. with him.

 

I really feel like I'm not giving her the tools she needs. But this is the first step to doing that. Once I can find the tools, I can show her how to use them. :D Thank you so, so much for the suggestions and the talking points. I'm one of those people that does my best thinking when I'm talking with other people.

 

[gardenmom5]

Before I had DD I couldn't even imagine the above not working--it was reasonable, respectful, gentle.

However, with an excitable, gifted + sensory issues child this only exacerbates the problem. I'm just throwing it out there, because parents with typical children don't "get" it, and parents with not so typical children start feeling like a failure when "nothing works."

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:   I can't tell you the number of people who started telling me I was his problem.  who started recommending parenting classes (this is my fifth kid.  the others were adults), etc.

 I think one prayed about it because one day she completely changed her tune. (she was one of the adults who was responsible for the kids at church.) she went from recommending a parenting class every time she saw me, to telling me what a great job I was doing with him.  and he has made alot of progress.  but he started in a hole compared to where most kids start.

 

when he was very small - I had to take him into a dark quiet room and just hold him.  there was nothing to stimulate him, but he still had the security I was there loving him.

 

I've a friend with a catastrophically brain damaged son.  she spent a week helping her friend with an adhd child.  after that week was up, she said she'd take her son. he's easier.

[Joanne]

Research gifted emotional overexcitiblilities and see if you think it fits.

 

This. I was going to ask if she was gifted and then I got to this post.

[MiMi 4under3]

 

She's recently started covering her ears when she anticipates something louder than usual. Like if her brother is in trouble & there might be yelling and or crying. 

 

 

 

 

My DD does the same thing if her brother is getting into mischief.  She's a very rule-oriented / by-the-book type of child.  

[Amy in NH]

Can I just remove her from the situation? Take her to her room until she's calm enough to "use her words"? .

 

This is what I would do (and have done).