If you were going to treat someone to dinner, then someone decided to tag along.....

[HappyLady]

DH, the kids, and I are going out to eat with my mom and her husband tonight.  We very rarely get to do this because they live out of town.  I planned on treating my mom and her husband to dinner, but my mom just texted me and told me someone else is tagging along (an in-law of my sister).  I don't really want to pay for this woman as well, but how do I handle that?  Or am I stuck paying for her?  WWYD?

 

**Edited to add that my mom didn't know I was going to treat them.

[Night Elf]

I have one thought. Does your mom know you're buying her dinner? If not, I'd let it go and plan on having everyone pay for their own dinner. If you want to do something nice for her, give her a little bunch of flowers.

[Ellie]

Well, it's your mother. Text her back and ask if she's paying for the extra. You can add some warm fuzzy verbiage if you want. :-)

[Lolly]

If mom didn't know you were treating, just let everyone pay for themselves this time around. I'm having trouble with the concept of mom inviting someone to come when she knows you are treating. 

[HappyLady]

I have one thought. Does your mom know you're buying her dinner? If not, I'd let it go and plan on having everyone pay for their own dinner. If you want to do something nice for her, give her a little bunch of flowers.

 

 

Oh, I should have said it was going to be a surprise that I'm treating them.  They have no idea so I guess your suggestion would work.  )

[Seasider]

Be gracious and treat her, too. It's just one more person. If it were another couple or family, that would be different.

 

Hopefully she will offer to pay on her own, that would be polite and proper, but even then picking up her cost would be generous on your part.

 

ETA I answered before I saw that your folks didn't know you were treating. That means you could go either way.

[katilac]

I would have zero problem saying, "Mary, looks like your share is about $17 before tip. Mom, I'm gonna treat you guys, so don't worry about it." 

 

If you usually ask for separate checks, just say, "Actually, put these two on my check, I'm treating them."

 

I can't imagine anyone having a problem with that. 

[Unicorn.]

Maybe your mom was secretly planning on treating you and your dh?  I would text her back and let her know you were planning on treating them, and 1. let her know you can't afford to treat this woman, too.  OR

2. just go ahead and treat the extra person. 

[Loowit]

It would depend on if I could afford to pay for the extra person or not.  If I couldn't afford the extra right now I might just slip money in my mom's purse when she wasn't looking to pay for my parents meal.  DH has been known to leave money on counters at his parents house when they wouldn't let us pay for things.  If I could afford the extra I would just offer to pay for everyone.

[Melissa in Australia]

:iagree:

Treat your mom some other time and just do what you usually do for this dinner.

 

[SKL]

I would treat the extra person.

[Susan in TN]

I would treat the extra person.

I agree. If it wouldn't put me in serious financial straights, I would treat the extra guest. Dh and I could perhaps share a plate or just order salads or order something less expensive than I was otherwise budgeting for.

[kiwik]

If I could afford it I would offer to treat the other person. If I was the other person I would refuse and pay myself. Maybe your mum is treating the other person.

[acsnmama]

I wouldn't treat the other person. I would let everyone pay their own way this time, like others have said. Restaurants aren't cheap, even if it's just one more person.

[Night Elf]

I must need work on my ettiquette. If someone offered to pay for my dinner because they were already picking up the check for others at the table, I would thank them and allow them to do it. It wouldn't have occurred to me to refuse and pay for myself. I'd feel like I was being rude and ungrateful.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

I must need work on my ettiquette. If someone offered to pay for my dinner because they were already picking up the check for others at the table, I would thank them and allow them to do it. It wouldn't have occurred to me to refuse and pay for myself. I'd feel like I was being rude and ungrateful.

 

This is how I would respond, I find arguing over who is paying the bill distasteful. I'd say thank you, and find a way to return the favor or pay it forward another time.

 

Maybe my etiquette is poor too. <shrug>

[Word Nerd]

Treat your mom some other time and just do what you usually do for this dinner.

This seems like a simple way to handle it if you can't afford the extra person. Have a nice dinner!

[marbel]

I must need work on my ettiquette. If someone offered to pay for my dinner because they were already picking up the check for others at the table, I would thank them and allow them to do it. It wouldn't have occurred to me to refuse and pay for myself. I'd feel like I was being rude and ungrateful.

 

From an etiquette standpoint, this situation is a bit messy.

 

Strictly speaking, Mom should not have invited another person along without checking with her daughter first to see if the person was welcome.   If Mom had said "hey, I'd like to ask Sally to come along with us, is that OK?" then the whole thing of who is paying could have been worked out right there.  "Oh, Mom, we wanted to treat you and dh, but we can't afford to include Sally in that, can she come another time?"  Or  whatever.

 

Since Sally wasn't invited by the hosts of the dinner, she should offer to pay.  The hosts can decide if they want to pay for her or not, or pay partial.  "Hey just give us $10 and call it good."  But that does put the hosts in an uncomfortable position if they can't afford to pay for all.  

 

If I go out with someone I expect to pay my way unless the host explicitly tells me they are treating me ahead of  time, or when the check comes,  tell me they're picking it up. 

[zoobie]

I must need work on my ettiquette. If someone offered to pay for my dinner because they were already picking up the check for others at the table, I would thank them and allow them to do it. It wouldn't have occurred to me to refuse and pay for myself. I'd feel like I was being rude and ungrateful.

If I'm an invited guest, yes, I would also accept. Actually, I'd probably do the pull out the money/card and let them say they insist thing, but I would try harder if I had invited myself along to dinner. I really can't imagine inviting myself to dinner...

[Tammyla]

I think this leaves you worry free to treat your mom, and expect the tag-alongs to pay for themselve(s).

Oh, I should have said it was going to be a surprise that I'm treating them.  They have no idea so I guess your suggestion would work.  )

 

 

And, if I was a tag-along, I would never expect you to pay for my meal, even if I knew you were treating your mom.

 

[katilac]

From an etiquette standpoint, this situation is a bit messy.

 

Strictly speaking, Mom should not have invited another person along without checking with her daughter first to see if the person was welcome.   If Mom had said "hey, I'd like to ask Sally to come along with us, is that OK?" then the whole thing of who is paying could have been worked out right there.  "Oh, Mom, we wanted to treat you and dh, but we can't afford to include Sally in that, can she come another time?"  Or  whatever.

 

Since Sally wasn't invited by the hosts of the dinner, she should offer to pay.  The hosts can decide if they want to pay for her or not, or pay partial.  "Hey just give us $10 and call it good."  But that does put the hosts in an uncomfortable position if they can't afford to pay for all.  

 

If I go out with someone I expect to pay my way unless the host explicitly tells me they are treating me ahead of  time, or when the check comes,  tell me they're picking it up. 

 

Honestly, I don't think it sounds messy at all. If I am interpreting it correctly, no one thinks they are 'invited' to dinner; they are just going together. In many families, it is no big deal for another family member to tag along, no invite needed (b/c they are just meeting for dinner). If I were meeting a friend for lunch, I wouldn't be surprised if she said, oh, mutual friend x is going to come as well. If I want it to be just us, I say, let's meet for lunch, just the two of us this time. 

 

Tag-along wouldn't have any expectation of someone treating her, so no big deal in my world to ask her if she wants a separate check or if she has cash and wants to put it on one bill. 

 

I'm a little surprised at how many people would offer to pay for the other person 'if they could afford it.' I mean, sure, it's always nice to treat someone, but I don't feel obligated to do so just because I'm treating someone else, I don't think it's weird or rude not to offer, and I don't pay for many, many things which I can technically afford.  

[marbel]

Honestly, I don't think it sounds messy at all. If I am interpreting it correctly, no one thinks they are 'invited' to dinner; they are just going together. In many families, it is no big deal for another family member to tag along, no invite needed (b/c they are just meeting for dinner). If I were meeting a friend for lunch, I wouldn't be surprised if she said, oh, mutual friend x is going to come as well. If I want it to be just us, I say, let's meet for lunch, just the two of us this time. 

 

Tag-along wouldn't have any expectation of someone treating her, so no big deal in my world to ask her if she wants a separate check or if she has cash and wants to put it on one bill. 

 

I'm a little surprised at how many people would offer to pay for the other person 'if they could afford it.' I mean, sure, it's always nice to treat someone, but I don't feel obligated to do so just because I'm treating someone else, I don't think it's weird or rude not to offer, and I don't pay for many, many things which I can technically afford.  

 

Someone upthread mentioned etiquette.  Sure, families and friends don't always follow conventional etiquette rules. People can always handle social stuff like this any way they want to as long as everyone is comfortable.   But I was responding to the comment about etiquette.    

 

Even among close friends, though, if I had lunch plans with one person, I wouldn't assume that other (mutual) friends would be welcome.  I'd always ask first before extending the invitation, in case the first friend wanted a one-on-one event for some reason.