Why is it so hard for me to play with my kids?

[Aspasia]

This is a major source of guilt for me. My kids are so dang cute. They like throwing pretend parties. They spend an hour or more setting up little carnival-type games, making pretend food, decorating the play room, etc. Then they write/draw invitations for me. Sometimes it's my "birthday" party, so they even wrap up gifts for me (in blankets).

I go to the parties, obviously. And I enjoy the "food" and play the games. But it is so hard! I stay for awhile and lavish praise on the little party throwers, but I can't wait to just get back to whatever I was doing.

What is wrong with me??? I think I'm just such a serious person, and I really like being in my own head. Playing with little kids just doesn't come naturally to me. It requires great effort, and I don't do it nearly enough. I just feel...bad. :(

Dh is just like me, so these poor kids don't have even one fun, playful parent.

[KrissiK]

Don't worry about it. I think the idea of parents playing with their children is a fairly recent one. Back in the day, parents worked too hard to play with their kids. I don't play with my kids and I don't feel guilty. I am there all day. I talk to them. I listen authentically when they talk to me. I praise their work and offer advice. I care for them. I think I am doing enough. They have each other to play with and the neighborhood kids.

[Erin]

I figured out a long time ago I'm more of a lap-mom than a play-mom.   I would much rather spend time with my kids with a book and a rocker (or the couch, since neither is small enough for my lap anymore :( )  I liked to watch them play.  I would play along for a while, too.  But yeah, it was hard for me too. 

[Wilma]

I'd venture to guess that a good 90% of the fun of the parties is in the dreamy setup stage for the kids.

 

Do you have some stuff that you DO like doing with the kids?  I don't enjoy Candyland (or any of the little kid board games, for that matter) so I just don't play it -- they can play with each other or one kid likes to play by herself.  But I DO like playing soccer, taking bike rides, and reading books with them.  So anyone who's wanting some mama-time can try one of those options.  It's not that I WON'T do other stuff (except Candyland - that's just a no), but I can almost always get enthused about one of my preferred activities.

 

Having more than one kid means that they can play the little kid stuff with each other.  I do not have to play the "hats and shawls" game where they put blankets on their heads and dance in a circle.  They love it - I would not.  And they have sisters to play it with.

[MysteryJen]

Don't worry about it. I think the idea of parents playing with their children is a fairly recent one. Back in the day, parents worked too hard to play with their kids. I don't play with my kids and I don't feel guilty. I am there all day. I talk to them. I listen authentically when they talk to me. I praise their work and offer advice. I care for them. I think I am doing enough. They have each other to play with and the neighborhood kids.

 

Absolutely right.  Also, I think that children's imaginary lives need to be their own, a place where they can be the grown up, the hero, the protector. It is okay for parents not to be involved in that.

[Catwoman]

Please don't beat yourself up over this!

You're trying. You're doing the best you can.

When your kids get a little older, everything will change and you'll have a much easier time finding ways to have fun with them. And they will be just fine and they won't even remember any of the things you're stressing about right now.

You're already a good mom or you wouldn't even be thinking about this. :grouphug:

[WishboneDawn]

You got all of that kind playing out of your system when you were a kid. That's the practice playing that kids do. You don't need it. You do the real thing. 

 

I used to "parallel play" with my kids. If my daughter was playing Barbies I'd sit with her and sew Barbie clothes. I enjoyed that and she had my company. 

 

No need to feel guilty.

[Ellie]

This is a major source of guilt for me. My kids are so dang cute. They like throwing pretend parties. They spend an hour or more setting up little carnival-type games, making pretend food, decorating the play room, etc. Then they write/draw invitations for me. Sometimes it's my "birthday" party, so they even wrap up gifts for me (in blankets).

I go to the parties, obviously. And I enjoy the "food" and play the games. But it is so hard! I stay for awhile and lavish praise on the little party throwers, but I can't wait to just get back to whatever I was doing.

What is wrong with me??? I think I'm just such a serious person, and I really like being in my own head. Playing with little kids just doesn't come naturally to me. It requires great effort, and I don't do it nearly enough. I just feel...bad. :(

Dh is just like me, so these poor kids don't have even one fun, playful parent.

 

I didn't play with my children. I read aloud to them, and loved being with them, but I didn't play with them if they were happy and willing to play on their own, and I encouraged them to do so.

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

I'm usually more surprised when I see adults who DO like to play make-believe with children!  It makes me (very wrongly, I'm sure) wonder if they had a not-so-fun childhood themselves and are trying to make up for it. 

 

I will attend a tea party for... 5 minutes.  That's about all I can stand. 

 

I read with my kids, I talk to them, I play (board or card) games with them.  I find that homeschooling gives me another way to positively interact with them.  I don't particularly enjoy it, but I do cook with my kids from time to time.  On rare occasions, I will chase them around the playground or kick a ball with them.  I cuddle, hug, kiss, and tickle them.  That's plenty of positive mommy-child moments without me having to behave like a child! 

[Aspasia]

Do you have some stuff that you DO like doing with the kids? I don't enjoy Candyland (or any of the little kid board games, for that matter) so I just don't play it -- they can play with each other or one kid likes to play by herself. But I DO like playing soccer, taking bike rides, and reading books with them. So anyone who's wanting some mama-time can try one of those options. It's not that I WON'T do other stuff (except Candyland - that's just a no), but I can almost always get enthused about one of my preferred activities.
.

I do love games, and we've been sure to find games that they can play and we can actually enjoy (Sequence for Kids, Blokus, Enchanted Forest, Catan Junior, etc). I also love reading to them.

You guys are right. I tell myself these things all the time. But then I get invited to a "party" and they want me to love it so much, and I just don't, and it makes me feel cruddy. I'm sure they pick up on it.

[Heather in Neverland]

This is me, too. But I never "played" all that much as a child either. I was mostly about reading. So I seriously don't know how to play very well. Boring, I know.

[Meadowlark]

I can totally relate to the mommy guilt! I too feel that although I am constantly with them, I rarely PLAY with them. They are kind of getting used to it now, and are actually all downstairs playing as I type this. I have 5 and my oldest is just seven, so honestly, I am just tired sad as that is. I'm keeping afloat if I feed them, bathe them, and teach them. But yes, I do sometimes wonder if they'll grow up remembering mom always being "too busy".

But otoh, as someone mentioned, are parents really supposed to be playing with their children all that much? I know that's not at all how it used to be, and I feel that the world was in a lot of ways, a lot better back then. I overall feel that parents overindulge their children in so many ways, so I don't want to give them too much of me either. Mmmm, it's always a merry go round in my head if I'm approaching this correctly. I did just book a 4 day vacation in the Dells so we can just be together and have FUN, so I'm looking forward to that. Anyway, this is all over the place but I just wanted to say I'm right there with you.

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

I do love games, and we've been sure to find games that they can play and we can actually enjoy (Sequence for Kids, Blokus, Enchanted Forest, Catan Junior, etc). I also love reading to them.

You guys are right. I tell myself these things all the time. But then I get invited to a "party" and they want me to love it so much, and I just don't, and it makes me feel cruddy. I'm sure they pick up on it.

 

I am very matter-of-fact about my preferences with my kids.  I tell them that I've been enjoying listening to them play constructively and creatively together without fighting, that their party looks wonderful, but that I don't play pretend.  I tell them to take out the stuffed animals or bears to attend the party. 

 

I tell them that grown-ups prefer to play board games, read a book, or whatever.  I don't see anything wrong with that. 

 

Drop the guilt! 

[fraidycat]

I am not a good pretend player, either. At times I feel guilty, and at other times I can tell myself all the things posters have said here and feel fine. :)

My kids are growing out of that stage now, so now my guilt is how to listen to them authentically and converse with them about their interests. They tell me stuff and I say "oh", or "cool". I need to figure out how to create more discussion openings for genuine conversations. I suck at it, though!!

[HS Mom in NC]

I don't think parents are necessarily supposed to play with their kids.  Kids are supposed play with each other. 

[Dory]

We play board games one Mondays. I will go to parties and shows that the kids put on for me and I put effort into teaching them new games outside and how to do things like build a snow fort, or make a quick shelter, or find neat things in the trees. If it feels like a teaching or showing things I don't mind it. Actual playing with them is hard for me too. Every once in awhile I suddenly jump into a game of tag for a few minutes or play a round of kick the can, but I'm not really playful. So long as i am stepping into their world and/or showing some interest in what they like, I don't think I need to play with them all the time. Besides, I think it's good for them to know that my world doesn't revolve around them and adults do have responsibilities that are important for them to get done.

 

 

[lavender's green]

I'm really, really looking forward to a couple years from now when the baby's old enough to do things with the (now) toddler.  Some days I think I'll just scream if I have to build one more thing out of duplos.  But I feel like I have to because we don't have enough regular playdates, and someone needs to play with him.  I actually do enjoy playing to a certain extent, but I really prefer "parallel play" where I'm doing my thing and he's doing his thing and we chatter about it a bit.  I'm always a little surprised at other adults who get really, really into playing, especially when it's with my kid.

[Lara in Colo]

I don't play with my children either-- I really just want them to play by themselves and leave me alone for a while. 

 

(I don't like to eat dinner with them either)

 

[DianeW88]

I never played with my kids.  That's what other children are for.  They turned out fine.

 

I read to them, we watched movies together, and we did projects on occasion.  I also played board games when they were old enough to understand what they were doing...around age 9 or so.  But I did not play "make believe" stuff with them.  Don't feel guilty about it.  You're their mom, not their friend.

[Alenee]

I wish I'd read this thread about 6 years ago.  I'd feel much better about myself.  I was never able to play well with my kids.  I lost my imagination at a very young age, being expected to grow up quickly and handle major adult things as early as 4 yo.  I've always felt guilty about not playing with my kids.  I think I'll let that go now.  :)

[MistyMountain]

I used to feel guilty about that but I no longer do. It never really was the norm in history for parents to play imaginative games with their children. I think that children getting that from other children and having some freedom to play games that is entirely their own creation is actually a very positive thing.

[Slache]

Perhaps I'm odd and maybe even wrong (it does happen occasionally), but I think it's important to play with your kids. I do think a good 15 minutes every few days is good though.

 

We spend the majority of our time together reading out loud or doing chores together or other things that are for me, but I definitely play pretend with them regularly. Not for hours, mind you, but a few times a week.

 

OP, I think you're doing great. Don't stress.

[ChristusG]

When my older two were around 3 and 6 years old, they would ask me to play ALL THE TIME. I never enjoyed it and I felt so bad! They are now 7 and 9 and don't ask me to play anymore. And my 2 year old is still a bit too young to ask me to play. But I really didn't enjoy it. Yes, I felt guilty. But then I realized all the things I do for them that I enjoy.....snuggling with them, reading books, tickling, fixing their food, schooling them, taking them fun places, talking with them, listening to them, playing board games with them, playing Wii games with them.....so I stopped feeling guilty about the one thing I didn't enjoy: imaginative play. People grow out of imaginative play and it's hard to go back to that, I think. My girls have each other to play with, and sometimes their friends. I've come to the point that I'm good with that.

[AimeeM]

I am the same way. I *do* play with them, but really only because I know they need the interaction. I especially despise outdoor play; I take them out, because I know it's necessary, and I plant a happy face on, but truth be told, I can't wait to come in. I do enjoy board games and reading aloud, but I'm not fond of building castles, forts, etc.

[MistiDelaney]

Adrienne, I really don't think you need to worry about playing with your children.  You have warm ways to be with them, you make an effort to develop a relationship with them, right? 

 

I think that love is what children really need.  Sure, they would love it if we played with them, but as I have told my children for most of the last 34 years, playing is for friends, reading, cuddling, chatting, exploring ideas together - those are what parents are for.  We get lots of friends over a lifetime, but we only get two parents.

 

FWIW, I don't enjoy playing either - not tea parties nor board games.  I don't remember playing much as a child (mostly my world was between the covers of books while my siblings played around me.)  My parents didn't play with us, either.  That's not how it was done in those days.  :p  I just never thought it was terribly important.  What *is* important is developing relationships with each of your children.

[Aspasia]

This is good. All of these comments are so good for me.

Most of the time, I feel like we have a good arrangement. My kids are in their own little world all day and I'm in mine...except when we touch base for meals, snacks, chores, school, bed time, reading, the occasional board game, etc, which is A LOT! They normally don't ask me to join them (probably because they've learned that I'm not all that fun!). I normally don't feel guilty about any part of this arrangement, because I definitely agree that it's not my job to play with them. But when they do invite me, and it's clear that they have put a lot of effort into their preparations, I just need to be able to feel okay about making a cameo at their party and then politely excusing myself.

These comments help me do that.