Halcyon Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 I grew up with a mom who was ALWAYS cleaning and tidying, and I don't want to be like that. But....I think I am. Anyone else like this, and if so, how do you handle it? How do you just "be" and accept a little mess? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monica_in_Switzerland Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 My husband so wishes I had this problem. :-) Sorry I can't help. My mom is just like you, she never sits for more than a minute before she's seen something to tidy up. But this gene has skipped me (and my kids...). On the bright side, I loooooove it when my mom comes to visit. She does my spring cleaning for me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bree Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 I am like that but use to be a slob. DH can't relax unless the house is clean so I clean so I can relax, but now it is a habit ;) and it won't stop. We usually keep the main areas tidy, but close the door to the rooms that need a little cleaning. Out of sight out of mind :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 My ILs are (were) like that. I think it damaged their family relationships and then that damage was continued and carried on into the next generations. I'm talking about having your dinner plate removed before you were done eating and being told to take off your clothes so they could be washed. And literally following people around with a vacuum. How can you just be? I think the people I'm talking about needed medication that they never got. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 Is it possible you should see someone to be screened for anxiety or OCD? When I couldn't stop cleaning it wasn't benign. It also takes a toll on you and your family because the constant cleaning comes at the cost of things you could be doing for self care or family time. Maybe I am assuming too much so feel free to ignore. That said if you ever want to stop and find you can't, help is available and may be warrented. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 Well... I feel like I'm constantly cleaning/tidying/nagging the kids to clean and tidy. But this place is a mess. I don't want to think about what it would look like if I stopped! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 I don't have this problem... although the messies get to me more now than when I was younger. I guess that's progress. I know several people like that and honestly, it stresses me out to think of them coming to my house since I don't have as high a standard of tidiness. Perhaps you can think of "not always tidying" as a ministry to other moms/families :laugh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Critterfixer Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 I sensed that I felt that cleaning was about keeping things clean, and that was driving me crazy with the accelerated entropy around here. I finally decided to see cleaning as just restoring order on a limited basis, and decided that I could dedicate a certain amount of time and energy to cleaning and no more. So I clean on a routine and for a certain time period. If I reach the end of my rooms before the end of my time I stop and write, or make tea or read or listen to music. I do not clean. If I'm not done by the end of my time I stop and go on to something else. It puts things in perspective for me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisbeth Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 Only when I have been on prednisone for immune flareups, or for when I first went on ADD med. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandylubug Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 I am a hot/cold cleaner. I will get the entire house spotless, laundry caught up and be anal about maintaining it. Then, something snaps in me, I'm tired of doing it all and the chaos of a family of 6 takes over. That is until I flip into clean mode again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halcyon Posted March 9, 2014 Author Share Posted March 9, 2014 Is it possible you should see someone to be screened for anxiety or OCD? When I couldn't stop cleaning it wasn't benign. It also takes a toll on you and your family because the constant cleaning comes at the cost of things you could be doing for self care or family time. Maybe I am assuming too much so feel free to ignore. That said if you ever want to stop and find you can't, help is available and may be warrented. I have had anxiety in the past. No OCD. I feel like I can't relax unless the house is cleaned: dishes cleaned, laundry folded, school things put away. I just wonder that I can't just...sit down and read a book in the middle of it all. It has to be tidy before I can "relax". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halcyon Posted March 9, 2014 Author Share Posted March 9, 2014 I sensed that I felt that cleaning was about keeping things clean, and that was driving me crazy with the accelerated entropy around here. I finally decided to see cleaning as just restoring order on a limited basis, and decided that I could dedicate a certain amount of time and energy to cleaning and no more. So I clean on a routine and for a certain time period. If I reach the end of my rooms before the end of my time I stop and write, or make tea or read or listen to music. I do not clean. If I'm not done by the end of my time I stop and go on to something else. It puts things in perspective for me. I think this might work for me. I think I might set a timer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 It has to be tidy before I can "relax". there is a book you might read (leave the house and go read at the library or coffeeshop!) called The Gifts of Imperfection. I am much happier now that I can walk away from my work and return to it later. and my space isn't any less livable or clean. I've learned to relax even if things get a little chaotic. It is great. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 I had to force myself to be OK with mess, because I live with adults who have a much different neatness standard than I. It was either chill out or be in a state of constant irritation. I get on cleaning kicks, usually once a week, but the rest of the time I just do a little here and a little there. If something is cluttered and I don't have time to address it, I force myself to think of something else. :) Same with dirt that isn't unhealthy. :) I do dream of having a few days to do nothing but clean, but that dream will probably never come true. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 Uh oh. Wait a sec. Halcyon, are you the one who asked us for help with your DH who won't clean the kitchen after making food? I wish I'd have known that you are an obsessive cleaner before replying to that thread. If you are obsessed with cleaning, then I wonder just how bad a mess he leaves. Maybe it's not the wreck I was picturing. Well, water under the bridge. I do not clean all the time. I have to force myself to do it. It's a daily struggle to make myself do something I don't want to do. I wish I enjoyed cleaning a bit more because it's such a CHORE to clean. There are soooo many other things I'd rather do. My house is kept tidy and isn't disgusting by a long shot, but it's pretty dusty. I feel a constant irritation that I have this job I don't want to do hanging over my head all the time. On the opposite spectrum, I have a friend who cleans all the time. She runs a day care and has to wake up around 5:30 each day. Some days she will clean until 3 in the morning. Her house is spotless and beautiful, but she (and her family) are always sick. I have known them for a year and three months, we spend every single weekend with them, and there has never been one time that one or more of them isn't sick. She pressures her husband to stay up late with her and he gives in and so he often doesn't get to bed until 1 and then gets up at 5:30 as well. The kids stay up late, too. They don't have to clean, but they're just up late because she's up late cleaning. I think their sickness is related to super bugs from all the cleaning and terrible lack of sleep. I think a cross between someone like me, who gets the bare minimum done to keep us from living in dirt, and someone like my friend who cleans at the expense of her health, would be best. If cleaning is messing up other areas of your life (like my friend and her health, or a marriage), then it's a problem. If it messes with your own satisfaction with life and you feel compelled to clean even when you want to do something else, and even when the house is reasonably clean, that's a problem. If it's a case of the family trashing the house and you have to clean in order to keep the house from being dangerously filthy, then that's a problem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halcyon Posted March 9, 2014 Author Share Posted March 9, 2014 I had to force myself to be OK with mess, because I live with adults who have a much different neatness standard than I. It was either chill out or be in a state of constant irritation. I get on cleaning kicks, usually once a week, but the rest of the time I just do a little here and a little there. If something is cluttered and I don't have time to address it, I force myself to think of something else. :) Same with dirt that isn't unhealthy. :) I do dream of having a few days to do nothing but clean, but that dream will probably never come true. See, I've tried to let myself be okay with it. And sometimes, I do. But the whole time, I am not relaxed. I might see a pile of laundry that needs folding and not do it, but I can't "let it go" in my mind. So then I get up and fold it, and inevitably find something else that needs doing. As everyone knows, there is ALWAYS something to do. So how do you just relax and not do it? I am going to read that book, Lucy!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sun Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 I'm a bit this way, but I try to channel it to certain times of day. In the morning, I do a bigger clean of the house, and I spend perhaps an hour or two vacuuming, dusting, cleaning toilets and sinks, starting laundry, etc. Then, I get on with other, non-cleaning things for the day at home. I also try to do a "reset" of the house before we head out and before we go to bed. For me, a reset is picking up items that we've been using and putting them back where they belong. It only takes a couple of minutes. I may also run the vacuum or sweep under DS's dining chair after a meal. Other than those times, I pretty much just let it go. Would it help you to come up with certain times when you're "on" for cleaning, and others when you have something else to do? It can be a gift to your family to give them a clean house, but it turns into a punishment for them if the corresponding gift of time enjoying them and other activities isn't there too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halcyon Posted March 9, 2014 Author Share Posted March 9, 2014 Uh oh. Wait a sec. Halcyon, are you the one who asked us for help with your DH who won't clean the kitchen after making food? I wish I'd have known that you are an obsessive cleaner before replying to that thread. If you are obsessed with cleaning, then I wonder just how bad a mess he leaves. Maybe it's not the wreck I was picturing. Well, water under the bridge. I do not clean all the time. I have to force myself to do it. It's a daily struggle to make myself do something I don't want to do. I wish I enjoyed cleaning a bit more because it's such a CHORE to clean. There are soooo many other things I'd rather do. My house is kept tidy and isn't disgusting by a long shot, but it's pretty dusty. I feel a constant irritation that I have this job I don't want to do hanging over my head all the time. On the opposite spectrum, I have a friend who cleans all the time. She runs a day care and has to wake up around 5:30 each day. Some days she will clean until 3 in the morning. Her house is spotless and beautiful, but she (and her family) are always sick. I have known them for a year and three months, we spend every single weekend with them, and there has never been one time that one or more of them isn't sick. She pressures her husband to stay up late with her and he gives in and so he often doesn't get to bed until 1 and then gets up at 5:30 as well. The kids stay up late, too. They don't have to clean, but they're just up late because she's up late cleaning. I think their sickness is related to super bugs from all the cleaning and terrible lack of sleep. I think a cross between someone like me, who gets the bare minimum done to keep us from living in dirt, and someone like my friend who cleans at the expense of her health, would be best. If cleaning is messing up other areas of your life (like my friend and her health, or a marriage), then it's a problem. If it messes with your own satisfaction with life and you feel compelled to clean even when you want to do something else, and even when the house is reasonably clean, that's a problem. If it's a case of the family trashing the house and you have to clean in order to keep the house from being dangerously filthy, then that's a problem. I am not an obsessive cleaner, but I am never relaxed when the house needs something done, which means...I am never relaxed. LOL. I tidy A LOT, but am rarely satisfied. In the evening, i don't clean though--we watch a show or read books, but in the day, I do a lot of tidying, moving, neatening. It definitely helps to work in the homeschool room--i can focus better on school in there. Re that thread--he does absolutely leave messes, but he doesn't think they're a big deal. And he DOESNT leave a wreck...just a typical mess. Anyway, I definitely like the house neater than he does. We have a housecleaner for the deep clean, which helps a lot, but the day to day tidying is on me, and he doesn't think it's a big deal. Anyway, this is about how can _I_ change--how can I relax even when there is laundry to fold, kitchen to be tidied, clothes to be organized. You wrote: " If it messes with your own satisfaction with life and you feel compelled to clean even when you want to do something else, and even when the house is reasonably clean, that's a problem." and that's me. I would rather be reading right now, but I am folding a mountain of laundry. (Well, right now I am typing LOL). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 Your question was "how do you just be?" I think of my home as a working model. Follow along here: Imagine a museum display of a blacksmith shop. There would be all the tools out and they would be carefully arranged as they would be in a blacksmith shop. There would be a furnace with maybe a fake fire inside. Then imagine a working blacksmith shop. There would be tools in their spots and some not in their spots. There would be iron dirt on the floor. There would be smoke from the fire. There would be water spills on the ground from the bucket where the metal is cooled. My home is a working home. It's not a model. It's the real deal. Sometimes my tools are out (dishes in the sink.) Sometimes there is iron dirt on the floor (lego minifigs in a battle on the floor). Sometimes there is a real fire with smoke! (laundry is waiting to be folded and I got interrupted, so the pile is still in the middle of the laundryroom floor.) Working model. Once I thought of it as a working model, I didn't feel so much guilt for not cleaning and I actually kind of like it when there's a little mess. It means we're living and doing and being real. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shellydon Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 I can't relax unless the house is tidy as well. So-- I never relax. :laugh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halcyon Posted March 9, 2014 Author Share Posted March 9, 2014 I can't relax unless the house is tidy as well. So-- I never relax. :laugh: This is me. But does it bother you? It bothers me. I want to learn how to "turn it off". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 Have you tried the "out of sight, out of mind" method? Have some areas of the house where clutter builds up and you just don't look at it. Have other areas that are kept neat. For example, leave laundry in the laundry room and shut the door. Then go sit in your nice neat living room and enjoy a cup of tea or an old movie. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trulycrabby Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 This is me. But does it bother you? It bothers me. I want to learn how to "turn it off". Do you exercise? Yoga, walking, and jogging help me turn off the inner voice that says " you must do ________ right now. Certain medications might help, but probably aren't necessary unless you are just miserable with anxiety because you feel compelled cc to clean constantly. Meditation might help, but then again it might just turn off the voice while you are meditating. :o I have this to a certain extent, and have found that reducing clutter helps enormously. I dont have any pictures on my walls for this reason; My brain interprets it as clutter and tells me to start cleaning. I also do mini-cleanups several times a day so that the house never gets horribly bad, and try to keep the kitchen clean-it's in a central location and visible through the family room and living room, so it shows when it's dirty. When my mini clean sessions are done, then I am done with cleaning, and the voice shuts off until right before bed, which is just a quick run through of the house to make sure there aren't ten pairs of shoes scattered around the house, the legos are picked up, etc... Hope this helps. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halcyon Posted March 9, 2014 Author Share Posted March 9, 2014 Have you tried the "out of sight, out of mind" method? Have some areas of the house where clutter builds up and you just don't look at it. Have other areas that are kept neat. For example, leave laundry in the laundry room and shut the door. Then go sit in your nice neat living room and enjoy a cup of tea or an old movie. ;) I could try this. Unfortuantely, the laundry is folded in the living room as we don't have a laundry room (the machines are in the school room). I definitely don't worry as much about the boys' rooms, as I can just shut the doors. And it has helped to school IN the school room--the mess is contained in there and there isn't as much to maintain. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halcyon Posted March 9, 2014 Author Share Posted March 9, 2014 Do you exercise? Yoga, walking, and jogging help me turn off the inner voice that says " you must do ________ right now. Certain medications might help, but probably aren't necessary unless you are just miserable with anxiety because you feel compelled cc to clean constantly. Meditation might help, but then again it might just turn off the voice while you are meditating. :o I have this to a certain extent, and have found that reducing clutter helps enormously. I dont have any pictures on my walls for this reason; My brain interprets it as clutter and tells me to start cleaning. I also do mini-cleanups several times a day so that the house never gets horribly bad, and try to keep the kitchen clean-it's in a central location and visible through the family room and living room, so it shows when it's dirty. When my mini clean sessions are done, then I am done with cleaning, and the voice shuts off until right before bed, which is just a quick run through of the house to make sure there aren't ten pairs of shoes scattered around the house, the legos are picked up, etc... Hope this helps. :) Yes, i exercise 4-5 times a week, and it's a big help. We just rejoined the gym as I found I wasn't using my treadmill at home because it was never neat enough in the house for me to find the mental space to work out LOL. I need to get out of the house to exercise! :crying: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trulycrabby Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 Yes, i exercise 4-5 times a week, and it's a big help. We just rejoined the gym as I found I wasn't using my treadmill at home because it was never neat enough in the house for me to find the mental space to work out LOL. I need to get out of the house to exercise! :crying: Ack! This sounds an awful lot like me! :o I have been known to vacuum and dust before using the treadmill at home. :o , Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trulycrabby Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 :o dp :o Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emzhengjiu Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 Well looking around our home, I clearly do not fall in this category. Friday my 17 yo DD told me it would take $150,000 / year to replace all a mom does for her family. She thought about this for a minute, then gently told me she would have to subtract about $25,000 because she does most of the cooking and a lot of the cleaning. She was right. I need to be more organized about cleaning and tidying. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 LOL, just today I elicited mildly shocked chuckles when I told my Sunday School class that I'm not picky unless there are more than 4 layers of clutter in my kids' play area. It was slight hyperbole, but.... I like the kids to use their stuff as they wish. Even if I have time to pick everything up (or make them do it), I prefer to leave some stuff out for them when nobody is coming over. But in the common living areas, no. Having it all confined to one or two spaces lets me maintain my feeling of control. ;) And, to the other sub-topic, I consider cleaning to be exercise. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halcyon Posted March 9, 2014 Author Share Posted March 9, 2014 Ack! This sounds an awful lot like me! :o I have been known to vacuum and dust before using the treadmill at home. :o , We were separated at birth LOL. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommymilkies Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 My family was NOT like this but I always have been. My family releases a collective groan when I say "I was thinking..." because they know I'm a compulsive re-arranger. I've gotten a little better about this. Getting meds for my OCD and being overwhelmed atm really help. :p Sorry for no real advice! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
torikei Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 I'm becoming this way as I age. It really stinks too because its difficult to keep the house clean and tidy with a large family. I used to be rather messy but the clutter makes it difficult for me to relax now. To be painfully honest, my former life as a messy makes it even harder as I don't have organized work habits. I clear the table, jump to the laundry before that's finished and then I'm off to the living room without really finishing anything. I really have to work to keep on task. The thing that has helped the most is decluttering--and then decluttering again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 My Mom is/was the exact same way. She has relaxed her standards a bit in the past few years. I, infortunately, did not inherit that clean gene. I wish I had, my mess drives me nuts. But not nuts enough to always be cleaning and tidying it. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bree Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 One thing that helps is to get rid of clutter and things you don't use, stuff,clothes, etc. The less you have the less mess there will be and the less you have to clean. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halcyon Posted March 9, 2014 Author Share Posted March 9, 2014 One thing that helps is to get rid of clutter and things you don't use, stuff,clothes, etc. The less you have the less mess there will be and the less you have to clean. Yes, we are big declutterers here, but there's still stuff to tidy LOL. Maybe I will take a photo of my living room right this very second (***hiding in worry****) and you can tell me HONESTLY what you think. Maybe I just need perspective. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halcyon Posted March 9, 2014 Author Share Posted March 9, 2014 My MIL Is like this. She lives alone and yet probably spends the large majority of time cleaning. And so does my grandmother. Not me though. I have the opposite problem. See, i REMEMBER growing up with my mom constantly cleaning, and how much i disliked it. I just wanted her to sit down, read a book, play a game. And today she is even worse. I don't want to be like that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 Yes, we are big declutterers here, but there's still stuff to tidy LOL. Maybe I will take a photo of my living room right this very second (***hiding in worry****) and you can tell me HONESTLY what you think. Maybe I just need perspective.Do it!! I don't need the picture to know it probably looks just fine. If you want to relax and can't, it's a problem to attack that is probably more important than folding laundry. Meditation or yoga might be something to consider. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 My mom was not like this. She was a working mom, and most of my memories of her involve sitting on the couch watching the tripe that played on primetime, LOL. (How she could like some of those shows is still beyond me. I'd rather scour the bathroom floor with a toothbrush.) But cleaning, no, that was something we all did together on Saturday mornings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halcyon Posted March 9, 2014 Author Share Posted March 9, 2014 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 It looks a lot cleaner than my living room! And I feel no urge to go clean mine right now.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halcyon Posted March 9, 2014 Author Share Posted March 9, 2014 okay, see, when i look at this i see the scanner on the fireplace (wth?? why would dh put that there LOL) and the art supplies that need to be cleaned up and the globe which should be in the school room... I need to relax. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 Well, the three tasks you just listed should take about 2 minutes to do. Will you be able to do that and then relax? Or will it make you feel compelled to do something more? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halcyon Posted March 9, 2014 Author Share Posted March 9, 2014 LOL. Um. Well, if i ignore the rest of the laundry, I should be able to relax. :laugh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 Perfect. The laundry can wait. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 Maybe I should take a picture of my living room to help you feel better about yours. ;) Yours looks great. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elisabet1 Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 I have no problem with not cleaning or tidying. Then again..my lack of problem with not doing it just might be my problem! LOL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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