Alicia64 Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 Moderator: this isn't a complaining thread. I'm hoping to get book titles! I know for sure that I have a tendency to do the "go away, don't leave me" type of thing to DH. Yeah, poor guy: for 24 years. In fairness to me, he's a tough cookie -- he gave me a Lego bear holding a heart for Valentine's (uh, wouldn't put Legos on my list). But he is such a kind, giving person: installed a wireless alarm in our house saving us $1,000. always buys me special treats like angel food cake etc. helped me save a raccoon recently (didn't pooh-pooh me; gave it real thought) once ran down a little, frightened starving dog and captured him -- saving the dog and giving me a wonderful companion is a great dad I'd like to fix my end of the problem as best as I can. Can you recommend your favorite marital book for "fixing" someone like me? I'd like to be okay -- not ecstatic, but okay -- w/ the Lego gift knowing his heart was in the right place. His heart is always in the right place. He's a great person. But he's not smooth or romantic or any of that. He's very techie and logical. I'm really hoping to get a stack of books to shift my way of seeing DH. He's a good man. He's made major -- major -- sacrifices so I can stay home and homeschool. He pushed me into homeschooling! (Which I love.) Any book ideas for someone like me? I feel like I'm always wanting the romantic gestures -- and no, I don't watch a lot of those movies. I want to learn to be happy with this wonderful person I've made a life with. Edited to add: My son -- who is 10 and really into Legos -- chose my avatar. And I love to support their interests so I was totally on board with the avatar. DH extrapolates from that that I'm into Legos!! Which isn't true at all. (Once my sons are out of the phase I won't have a Lego avatar needless to say.) A billion thank you's for sending your book titles that you love! Alley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 Off the top of my head, I would suggest, not a marital book exactly, but a book about the Myers-Briggs Personality Test. Take the test, and ask your hubby to take it, too. Then read about the types and see if that gives you insight into and acceptance of your differences. Please Understand Me is a good, beginner's guide to the MB. It's pretty old, though, and I'm sure there's more recent ones out there. Take the longest test you can find for a better/more accurate result. It's not the end-all, be-all, and it's not magic or anything, but it can provide some clues about each other. I would also take a good look at your parents' marriages--yours and his--and see what patterns you grew up with. Look at how they fought, how they expressed feelings, what was off-limits and what roles were assumed. Look also into any alcohol issues, as that can really shape a person's outlook on reality. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChristineP Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 Don't you have a lego avatar? lol....anyway, I don't have any book recommendations but I will be following this thread. It sounds like you are heading in the right direction in wanting to change and appreciate what you have! I need to do that more also :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted February 15, 2014 Author Share Posted February 15, 2014 Off the top of my head, I would suggest, not a marital book exactly, but a book about the Myers-Briggs Personality Test. Take the test, and ask your hubby to take it, too. Then read about the types and see if that gives you insight into and acceptance of your differences. Please Understand Me is a good, beginner's guide to the MB. It's pretty old, though, and I'm sure there's more recent ones out there. Take the longest test you can find for a better/more accurate result. It's not the end-all, be-all, and it's not magic or anything, but it can provide some clues about each other. I would also take a good look at your parents' marriages--yours and his--and see what patterns you grew up with. Look at how they fought, how they expressed feelings, what was off-limits and what roles were assumed. Look also into any alcohol issues, as that can really shape a person's outlook on reality. Great idea. We have though. We have one letter in common: I. I'm an INFJ and he's an ISTP. I know we're really, really different. That's why I'm trying to figure out how to me more appreciative towards him and his way in the world. Great idea though if we hadn't done the test. Alley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted February 15, 2014 Author Share Posted February 15, 2014 Don't you have a lego avatar? lol....anyway, I don't have any book recommendations but I will be following this thread. It sounds like you are heading in the right direction in wanting to change and appreciate what you have! I need to do that more also :) Ha! I just realized that. My son -- who is 10 and really into Legos -- chose it. And I love to support their interests so I was totally on board with the avatar. DH extrapolates from that that I'm into Legos too!! Which isn't true at all. (Once my sons are out of the phase I won't have a Lego avatar needless to say.) :lol: Alley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MercyA Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 installed a wireless alarm in our house saving us $1,000. always buys me special treats like angel food cake etc. helped me save a raccoon recently (didn't pooh-pooh me; gave it real thought) once ran down a little, frightened starving dog and captured him -- saving the dog and giving me a wonderful companion is a great dad .... He's made major -- major -- sacrifices so I can stay home and homeschool. He pushed me into homeschooling! (Which I love.) No book suggestions, but I give your husband major props for all of the above! :thumbup1: And, based on your avatar, I would have thought you'd like the Lego bear, too. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angie in VA Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 I don't know if Christian content is a deal breaker, or if this book has CC, but what about the Love Languages book? I agree that MBPI may help too. It's nothing to bow down to (and I don't think the poster who mentioned it does that, of course), but it can help. I think it was on the unpopular opinions thread where someone posted how they misuse their type, "I'm a thinker, so you feeling type, just get over it" type of thing. That is not how it should be used! Instead, the lesson should be, "I'm a thinker, so maybe I should choose my words more carefully." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThisIsTheDay Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 5 Love Languages/Gary Smalley. (I don't remember this being a "Christian" book, but I'm Christian. It may have been, but it didn't stick in my head as being Biblical, if that makes sense.) Sheet Music/Kevin Leman. Christian book about martial Tea (or however we use that word here!). Laura Schlessinger's book on husbands. I haven't been a Dr. Laura fan in over a decade, but this book really made a good point--not that the *only* things a man needs are sex and food, but it goes a long way toward bonding and togetherness and appreciation for your spouse. ------------------ ETA: That would be marItial Tea, not martial Tea. Although, I guess whatever floats your boat, lol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alef Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 Definitely look into the Five Love Languages book. Sounds to me like you have a fantastic husband who maybe speaks a different love language than you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom2pandc Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 I highly recommend Love and Respect by Emerson eggerichs (sp?). My husband and I started reading it together some evenings and it makes so much sense and has helped us understand one another. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 Great idea. We have though. We have one letter in common: I. I'm an INFJ and he's an ISTP. I know we're really, really different. That's why I'm trying to figure out how to me more appreciative towards him and his way in the world. Great idea though if we hadn't done the test. Alley there is a myers briggs book that relates it directly to marriages called "just my type". the same authors have a book called "nurture by nature" which focuses more on children BUT for each personality type it has a page that is "what works with this type" which i refer to alllll the time when trying to figure out how to communicate well with my infp dh. in marriages the biggest area of conflict is between an "f" and a "t". the second one is between a "j" and a "p". you have both to work with.... it is so do-able. the other thing is a book called "peaceful parents, peaceful kids" by naomi drew. and what it really does is teach communication and healthy relationship under the guise of parenting. i am so impressed by your insight that his heart is in the right place and that you want to work on you. what a gift to give to him and to yourself! really!!!! what did you get him for valentine's day? did he like it? many hugs, ann ps. in my experience doing marriage councelling, following dr. laura's advice doesn't lead to healthy relationships, and can cause new problems, so i would steer clear. ymmv Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
veritas Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 I highly recommend Shaunti Feldhahn's For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men. Feldhahn also wrote another book for men on understanding women. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
veritas Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 I highly recommend Love and Respect by Emerson eggerichs (sp?). My husband and I started reading it together some evenings and it makes so much sense and has helped us understand one another. I second this recommendation. Love and Respect seems like a really great book. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 Anything on marriage by John Gottman. Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is great. We have attended two different workshops with him and his wife and his ideas and research are solid and have been a huge help for both of us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan C. Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 Great idea. We have though. We have one letter in common: I. I'm an INFJ and he's an ISTP. I know we're really, really different. That's why I'm trying to figure out how to me more appreciative towards him and his way in the world. Great idea though if we hadn't done the test. Alley Oh dear, I have 2 INFJ adult kids, and I am ISFP (so close to your husband). Their childhood was.... interesting. I have talked long hours to the kids to learn to understand them (and asked, even cried for them to understand me) and studied MBTI quite a bit. INFJ is 1% of the population and a bit of a chore to understand. But I will tell you, once you get the key to an INFJ and really understand (and again, a chore for non-INFJs) it is very worth it. I have been enriched (and stretched) in a good way. I do see a lot of kind thoughtfulness in your dh (and you do too). My INFJ son just said what helped him was to learn to be in the moment, to accept things as they are, to recognize thoughtfulness, to release your expectations, focus your energy on the here and now. Also, understand his perspective, he comes from a different place than you do. ADDING: you can find plenty online, Please Understand Me is a tough slog! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel TX Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 I highly recommend Shaunti Feldhahn's For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men. Feldhahn also wrote another book for men on understanding women. I recommend this too. It's a quick, easy read, and you can both read it together if your husband wants to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 I highly recommend Shaunti Feldhahn's For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men. Feldhahn also wrote another book for men on understanding women. I was going to mentioned these books. I don't totally agree with everything but there is a lot of good stuff in there about understanding men and how they think. I also like Love and Respect. My dh is not a romantic guy (although I did get flower delivered to my hotel room once when I was gone over our anniversary) but is the practical DO things for me---roof rake, keep the car repairs up, fix things in my horse barn for me, etc...........not the stuff a romance book is made of........but stuff a good, solid marriage is made of. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mims Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 Strongly recommend "What did you Expect?" by Tripp. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kbutton Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 www.personalitypage.com has some relationship-by-type information it. I am INTJ married to an ISFP. FWIW, I think the N/S dynamic is far harder to navigate than the T/F dynamic or the P/J dynamic (even though both of my parents are strong S types), but that's just me. My husband may have a totally different take on that with the F in his profile. Either way, the core temperaments are different for us (NT vs. SP) as well as for you two--NF vs. SP. In college, we had many opportunities on campus to learn about MBTI, and they stressed that looking at the core temperament can give you a big leg up over focusing on the individual letters. SPs are wonderful, but they are a breed apart, lol! They fall into the "Artisan" camp according to the page I referenced. I do think the Love Languages book is good, but it's been a long time since I read it. We liked the Shaunti Feldhahn books, but we had to scramble up the topics in each book--we both resonated with different parts of both books. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommymilkies Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 I'm an INTJ. Relating to a mate is...difficult. Meyers Briggs is a good place to start. I admit I find extroverts difficult to relate to. I am a very firm introvert. Dh is a touchy feely type and probably ISFP. I don't like talking about my feelings. So that can cause problems with us. I will agree with this one. http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1392504431&sr=8-1&keywords=7+principles+for+making+marriage+work But I don't think I've read any others, so I may be biased. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rmtzc2009 Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 I highly recommend Shaunti Feldhahn's For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men. Feldhahn also wrote another book for men on understanding women. :iagree: Another vote for: For Women Only! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
6packofun Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 The Five Love Languages. (Love & Respect and For Women Only will be good only if you are heavily stereotypical male and female, IMO.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shellydon Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 His Needs Her Needs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 For Women Only is not useful at all if you do not fall into very sterotypical male and female "types". If you don't you may find the book a little creepy. Honestly, I sure did. Totally irrelevant to my life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 We did Myers Briggs with a church group marriage group once. It was helpful. I am an ENTJ and my husband is an INTJ and we mesh together very well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 Wait a second, he noticed that your avatar was a lego guy and then chose a lego related gift? I don't think you need a book, I think you need a change in perspective. To get a present I like, I give my husband a list. He would never even notice something like an avatar. Clearly you don't hate legos, because you allow them to be your avatar! Your DH is paying so much attention to you that he thoughtfully chose a gift related to your identity and you're annoyed that he was paying so much attention to you that he had the ability to buy you a gift like that, but couldn't read your mind that it was a false identity to begin with? Hey, men aren't God and they can't read minds. He lovingly noticed this was something you were involved with and gave you a gift with that theme. Even if it's not fulfilling your every psychological need, it was an AMAZING gift! Just think of it as a fun gift rather than a romantic one. Maybe you'll start to love legos. In the mean time, get a copy of the five love languages and read it. And make a list of every amazing way that man pays attention to you and gives you love, and every way you are grateful he's part of your life. I bet before you get to the end of the page you'll be feeling much different about him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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