Feeling hurt-should I be?

[Dmmetler]

My mother posted on her facebook about the neighbor kids coming over for help with homework and with reading, and how it felt like she got to be a "real grandmother" because DD doesn't need that sort of thing. I know part of it is that we live in a different state that she doesn't see DD as much as she sees the neighbors' kids but it still really hurts.

 

It just kind of seems like a slap in the face-so my 8 yr old is "too smart" to be a real grandchild because she can read and do her schoolwork on her own (besides the fact that when DD is with grandma, for the most part, we're not doing school? (She did have some assignments for online classes our last visit, but those she's generally independent on). The last visit really seemed like both my parents were kind of picking on DD all the time-expecting her to be something she wasn't and can't be-and now it seems obvious what that is.

 

Why can't they see her as the wonderful, creative, kid she is? Why do they want to put her in an "8 yr old box"? Why is it that they can't see that she'd be thrilled to go into the lab and learn science, or into the kitchen and learn to cook, and that just because she doesn't need help figuring out greater than and less than or reading a book that it doesn't mean she doesn't need them-it's just that she needs them in a way that fits her current development right now?

 

 

 

 

[MyThreeSons]

No wisdom to offer, just hugs to you.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

:( I would feel very hurt by that, too.

[Spryte]

:grouphug: I'm sorry.

 

It probably doesn't help to hear this, but you're not alone.  

 

Just keep fostering the creativity and the spark that is in your daughter.  She is getting what she needs - from you.  You're doing a great job.

[Guest]

Sounds like it has more to do with her not being close enough in proximity to them, and less to do with her ability.  I live 1500 miles from my family, so I feel you.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

:(

[NorthwestMom]

This is the thing - it hurts us when someone we want affection and approval from seem unable to give it unless we are functioning inside their tight definition of what our side of the relationship should look like.  So, it's a disappointment instead of a point of pride that their grandchild can do their schoolwork on their own.  Or it's unacceptable that a grandson wants to be in theater instead of baseball. It means that the actual person isn't valued - it's the role that person represents in their mind, and how they feel they should be in that relationship. It's not based in reality.  :sad:

 

Sorry OP and DD.  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Word Nerd]

I can understand why you feel hurt. It's possible it could have been intended as something other than a passive-aggressive jab at you, but I'm not seeing how else it could be interpreted.

[kroe1]

I wouldn't feel hurt at all.  A grandmother has needs too.  You do not live in the same state so how possibly could your DD meet your mom's needs?  If you lived in the other house next door, then be hurt.

 

 

[OrganicAnn]

I can understand why you would feel hurt.  You expect grandkids will be so important in a GM's life.  

 

Maybe before the next visit you should spend some time discussing with GM some things that she would like to do.   Bake cookies, paint pottery, visit museums, whatever.    Don't expect it will happen naturally, because obvious it hasn't.     GM needs some help finding ways to interact with your DD.   This is probably because distance, but it can also be because of personality or expectation.    If you can't get GM to connect, then it is her loss.    

 

(my snarky side would be saying 'well let see if the neighbors kids visit you in the nursing home one day'.   But I try to suppress my snarky side).

[celticmom]

:grouphug:

[WishboneDawn]

I can understand why you feel hurt. It's possible it could have been intended as something other than a passive-aggressive jab at you, but I'm not seeing how else it could be interpreted.

I can totally see it as a sly bit if bragging about how smart her grand daughter is and that was actually my first impression.

 

It would require knowing her though to figure out which way it was meant.

[swellmomma]

Sometimes grandparents are completely clueless in how they say things (like everyone can be at times).  I was so angry with my mother the day dd proudly told her she finished her first final exam online for a high school course.  Instead of a congratulations gramma said "are you sure your mother didn't write it for you?"  Gramma thought she was joking around.  I was so mad, TO me she was either implying my dd was too stupid to write her own exams OR that I was dishonest and would fraud the system on my dd's behalf.  Both are very untrue and dd felt the same way(she actually cried for over an hour that gramma thought she was stupid).  When gramma found out how we interpreted it she was much abashed.  She thought she was making a joke, we thought she was being a big jerk.  She apologized to both of us and did celebrate on the phone with dd when the marks came in and dd had gotten an 84% on the final.  She puts more thought into how she is saying things now.  What might seem a joke to her comes out as passive aggressive to us.  I imagine the same could be true for you mom, you live so far away so she is making the "real gramma" comment and in her head chuckling at her little joke but to you reading it, there is nothing funny about it.  I would call her out on it, not necessarily on fb, but phone her up and question her why suddenly she is a "real gramma" now when she has a real grand child.  See what she says, and hopefully it was a bad choice of wording that sounded much funnier in her head than an actual slight towards you all.  Then again I live 2 hours from my mom and sometimes that is too close, 1500 miles somedays feels like it might be too close too lol

[Seasider]

This is the thing - it hurts us when someone we want affection and approval from seem unable to give it unless we are functioning inside their tight definition of what our side of the relationship should look like. So, it's a disappointment instead of a point of pride that their grandchild can do their schoolwork on their own. Or it's unacceptable that a grandson wants to be in theater instead of baseball. It means that the actual person isn't valued - it's the role that person represents in their mind, and how they feel they should be in that relationship. It's not based in reality. :sad:

 

Sorry OP and DD. :grouphug: :grouphug:

Excellent point! I also need that reminder that this is a blade that cuts both ways: at times I have unrealistic expectations of what a gp relationship should look like. I hurt myself with such expectations.

 

OP, in your shoes, I would also feel hurt. Maybe this careless comment will open the door to discuss the best ways for your folks and your daughter to make memories together.

 

BTW, I find myself wondering, is gramma by chance a retired teacher? I ask because for the grammas I know, the last thing they want to do with grand kids is homework! They'd much rather be doing the fun baking/crafting/museum stuff.

[swellmomma]

Excellent point! I also need that reminder that this is a blade that cuts both ways: at times I have unrealistic expectations of what a gp relationship should look like. I hurt myself with such expectations.

 

OP, in your shoes, I would also feel hurt. Maybe this careless comment will open the door to discuss the best ways for your folks and your daughter to make memories together.

 

BTW, I find myself wondering, is gramma by chance a retired teacher? I ask because for the grammas I know, the last thing they want to do with grand kids is homework! They'd much rather be doing the fun baking/crafting/museum stuff.

 

See this is the stuff I WISH my mom did with the kids and hurt myself with those expectations because she hates all of that.  What she wants is kids to play quietly out of her way so she can clean, read, watch tv etc and only come to her when necessary or for bedtime story.  She wants to be the favorite gramma but she does very little with them.  She will bake with them once a year.  Never crafts, hates museums as much as my kids love them(I never went to one as a kid unless school took me-but my kids and I think going to even those teeny tiny hole in the wall museums is a fun time).  She doesn't want to do homework with them but buys them workbooks and makes comments about their lack of ability.  She rarely goes to their big events/performances (recitals, plays, competitions even in the city she lives in, nope).  I wanted that sort of gramma for my kids for years and would always be disappointed and upset because it never came to pass.  I have finally been able to accept that she sucks as a gramma, and it is not something that hurts me anymore, it just shows me what is important to me and what I am going to do with my own kids.

[Mommyof4ks]

It sounds like maybe she misses being a mom. Those are the things parents do. Grandparents have fun with the kids, do things with them that parents have no time or desire to do with them. Your dd has a mom that is involved and has time to do motherly things, so your dd wants to do fun things with her grandparents. Different expectations I guess. That comment would not hurt me, because it says more about your mom than you or dd. I do not say that in a mean way, your mom sounds lovely, but she just has different expectations.

[Incognito]

I don't know if you should feel hurt, but I would too.  Sometimes people say things in a stupid way.  Maybe it is a backwards brag.  Or maybe she is venting something she longs for - but she really shouldn't do that on FB, IMO.

 

 

[SKL]

Yeah, that was an unfortunate use of words.  Maybe what she really meant was that she'd been looking forward to doing that with your dd but never had a need to.

 

My parents' relationship with my kids is something I have to be intentional about, for several reasons.  Nobody's fault, by the way.  Trying to come up with stuff that is good for them to do together is . . . awkward.  Or should I say, largely unsuccessful so far.  And that's a shame because they really are loved.

[SKL]

She could also be saying those words to express that helping those kids is a challenge.  I know the first time my kid puked on me (and I was completely unfazed), my comment was, "now I know I'm a real mom."  Of course that didn't mean I didn't feel that way toward my kids before.

[Lady Florida.]

I wouldn't feel hurt at all.  A grandmother has needs too.  You do not live in the same state so how possibly could your DD meet your mom's needs?  If you lived in the other house next door, then be hurt.

 

Yes, I think the distance is likely part of it and would feel hurt if we lived nearby and that happened. Still, I'd feel sad that we didn't live close. Not guilty, just sad.

 

 

Maybe before the next visit you should spend some time discussing with GM some things that she would like to do.   Bake cookies, paint pottery, visit museums, whatever.    Don't expect it will happen naturally, because obvious it hasn't.     GM needs some help finding ways to interact with your DD.   This is probably because distance, but it can also be because of personality or expectation.    If you can't get GM to connect, then it is her loss.    

 

 

 

I think this is a good idea. It does sound like there's a bit more going on, but maybe you can help to nurture the relationship.

[Word Nerd]

Why is it that they can't see that she'd be thrilled to go into the lab and learn science, or into the kitchen and learn to cook, and that just because she doesn't need help figuring out greater than and less than or reading a book that it doesn't mean she doesn't need them-it's just that she needs them in a way that fits her current development right now?

I would steer your mom toward those kinds of activities with DD when you're together.

[Mommy22alyns]

Ow.  I would be hurt.   :grouphug:

[ErinE]

:hugs: Some people are just clueless.

[Catwoman]

Give her a call and ask her what she meant. You may have completely misread her intentions.

 

My first impression was that she was having fun being a pretend grandma for a little while, because her real granddaughter doesn't live nearby. I didn't take it as any kind of insult to your dd.

[LostSurprise]

She's regretful, but I don't think you should take that personally. 

 

People always put weird expectations on others. We have this idea of how things *should* be. Perhaps she feels comfortable enough to share this regret with you. Perhaps she's a passive-aggressive or narcissistic wretch. Only you can really know that. 

 

Some grandparents have this 2 year old or 5 year old ideal for grandchildren. The stage where they sit on your lap and lisp sweetly and are unsure about everything. 8 year olds don't really do that anymore (okay, some do, but most of them are starting to revel in their growing independence). Perhaps she regrets that that she's missed so much of that stage with your daughter. Now she recognizes how important it is to her but time has moved on. 

 

Whatever the case this has nothing to do with you or your daughter. It has everything to do with her. Feel free to be angry, but don't feel regret yourself. People who get stuck in their own needs tend to miss out on the people around them. 

[Dmmetler]

Thanks, everyone!

 

I do think part of it is that she doesn't expect DD to grow up, which, I suspect, is in part because she only sees her every few months. And part of it is that DD isn't entirely typical in her interests and focuses of her age (DD sometimes acts like a silly 8 yr old, but for the most part, she gets along well with teens and adults until the topic gets on to "mushy stuff"-so an adult treating her like she's 5-6 gets about the same response you'd get from a well behaved 12 yr old-that is, they might go along, but they wouldn't be enthusiastic about it). DD hasn't needed someone to read aloud to her for several years, sees no purpose in picture books, and is very self-contained in her play and interests. She simply doesn't need other people around all the time. My mother is an extrovert. She didn't quite "get" me and that I was perfectly happy in my room with a stack of books growing up, and she doesn't "get" that DD is perfectly happy in her room with a notebook, box of colored pencils, and a bunch of books on her kindle app-or going outside and spending hours looking for frogs, snakes, and bugs.

 

If my mom would treat DD like she does her science fair and JSHS and dual enrollment students (some of whom are as young as 12-13), I think she and DD would get along fine-but she doesn't seem able to make that leap.

 

And part of it is that this has just plain been a stressful last couple of weeks-for reasons outside of my control, caused, mostly, by adults wanting everything their way. This morning, that post was about the last straw.

[SKL]

Do you think it would help if your daughter started emailing back and forth with grandma?  :)

[planner]

It would hurt me.  It hurt me when my mil went on and on showing me the nativity calendar and all the goodies she had put together for her great nephews.  My children were right there but luckily they were young enough not to notice.

[Chris in VA]

Big hugs to you.

 

Not knowing the backround, I simply took it that it was about the distance, and HER expectations of what a grandma does. Maybe it doesn't feel like being a grandma to her to be so far away. I didn't see it at all as her saying she wanted to do those specific things with your dd, just that she can't do anything with her being far away, and so she doesn't feel like the grandmother image she has in her head. I didn't see it as a complaint about what she gets to do, nor about your dd really at all. 

 

[BlessedMom]

:grouphug: