How would you have handled this situation?

[Pretty in Pink]

I bought two packages of croissants at the bakery yesterday. I used one package at lunch today and had planned to use one at supper tomorrow night.

 

This afternoon I noticed that three of the croissants were missing from the second package. I asked who had eaten them and everyone said they hadn't. I insisted that the guilty party fess up and finally my ds14 mumbled that he had eaten them. He said that he knew I would tell him no if he'd asked for them so he just snuck them instead: two of them he ate in his bedroom and the other he ate in the garage of all places.

 

I don't, as a matter of routine, buy croissants. He knew they were for another meal.

 

He had already eaten one at lunch, just like everyone else.

 

He's allowed to snack at his leisure. There are snacks in the house, including yogurt, a variety of fresh fruits and nuts, cheeses, bread, etc. He could have taken any of those items without even asking.

 

So, what would you do? Would it matter to you to know that he does this somewhat frequently when there is food in the house that he particularly likes? He sneaks it into his bedroom and eats it so that he doesn't have to share. It's don't believe that it's a matter of hunger -- he's never gone without good food to eat. Sometimes when the boys are tidying up after supper I'll catch him eating the crumbs from our dinner plates. This is after he's eaten a full plate of food with at least a second, sometimes third, helping.  

 

I'm just curious how others would handle it. My husband has already doled out the consequence on this one. Ds is not allowed to have birthday cake and ice cream with the rest of us tonight after supper.

 

 

[Scarlett]

I bought two packages of croissants at the bakery yesterday. I used one package at lunch today and had planned to use one at supper tomorrow night.

 

This afternoon I noticed that three of the croissants were missing from the second package. I asked who had eaten them and everyone said they hadn't. I insisted that the guilty party fess up and finally my ds14 mumbled that he had eaten them. He said that he knew I would tell him no if he'd asked for them so he just snuck them instead: two of them he ate in his bedroom and the other he ate in the garage of all places.

 

I don't, as a matter of routine, buy croissants. He knew they were for another meal.

 

He had already eaten one at lunch, just like everyone else.

 

He's allowed to snack at his leisure. There are snacks in the house, including yogurt, a variety of fresh fruits and nuts, cheeses, bread, etc. He could have taken any of those items without even asking.

 

So, what would you do? Would it matter to you to know that he does this somewhat frequently when there is food in the house that he particularly likes? He sneaks it into his bedroom and eats it so that he doesn't have to share. It's don't believe that it's a matter of hunger -- he's never gone without good food to eat. Sometimes when the boys are tidying up after supper I'll catch him eating the crumbs from our dinner plates. This is after he's eaten a full plate of food with at least a second, sometimes third, helping.

 

I'm just curious how others would handle it. My husband has already doled out the consequence on this one. Ds is not allowed to have birthday cake and ice cream with the rest of us tonight after supper.

So is your concern that he broke a rule or that you think he has a problem with food? Like he might be an emotional eater?

[Guest]

I'm not proud of it, but both my mother and I had to resort to locks and making sure that our teens always had SOMETHING that they could eat all they wanted/needed, even if it was just top ramen or potatoes.

[texasmama]

What I would do is try to get to the bottom of his unhealthy relationship with food.  I would be more concerned with the fact that he sneaks food than this one incident and the consequences for it.  This is a recurrent issue so it is more than teen forgetfulness or not thinking of others.  I would likely brainstorm with him what types of snacks he would like and maybe buy him his own to keep somewhere.  If he is not overweight and overall has a good diet, then some fun snacks of his own shouldn't break the budget or cause health issues. 

[maize]

I would first praise him for confessing, calmly explain that it is very difficult for the person preparing meals to have important items go missing, then put him in charge of planning, shopping (with a budget) and preparing meals for the family for one week.

[Pretty in Pink]

So is your concern that he broke a rule or that you think he has a problem with food? Like he might be an emotional eater?

 

I don't really know. I'm annoyed that he broke the rule. I hadn't really considered that he was an emotional eater. I have noticed for a long time that he picks at our dinner plates and sneaks food from time to time and I thought it odd.

 

Does it sound like emotional eating? I'm familiar with the term but have not experienced it myself.

[Catwoman]

I would be annoyed that he broke your rule, but I think it's mean not to let him have birthday cake and ice cream with the rest of the family. He did 'fess up, after all. If you punish him after he confessed to eating the croissants, where is his motivation not to lie to you next time around? There certainly didn't seem to be any benefit from telling the truth.

 

I don't know whose birthday it is, but I know that if my brother ever hadn't been allowed to share my cake on my birthday, it would have made me sad, and would have put a damper on my birthday. :(

 

The kid ate a couple of croissants. He didn't steal a car. I'm not getting the whole "and no cake and ice cream for you!" thing at all.

[texasmama]

Since he is sneaking food to his bedroom to eat, in addition to eating crumbs off of other people's plates while clearing the table, I would say that he has an unhealthy relationship with food.  I don't know if he is an emotional eater, but this is not the type of relationship with food that is a healthy one.  The secrecy involved is a sign of an issue.

[I.Dup.]

It sounds like he knew it was wrong because he said you'd say no, but have you spelled out "you may eat XYZ you may NOT eat croissants, dinner ingredients, etc?"

 

I ask because it seems you have a pretty open policy to food with everything else.

 

If this is the first time this has happened, or I wasn't really clear about what can vs. cannot be eaten, that would affect what I did (if I felt that not eating birthday cake was a fair punishment, for example).

[Pretty in Pink]

What I would do is try to get to the bottom of his unhealthy relationship with food.  I would be more concerned with the fact that he sneaks food than this one incident and the consequences for it.  This is a recurrent issue so it is more than teen forgetfulness or not thinking of others.  I would likely brainstorm with him what types of snacks he would like and maybe buy him his own to keep somewhere.  If he is not overweight and overall has a good diet, then some fun snacks of his own shouldn't break the budget or cause health issues. 

 

He's actually quite thin and eats lots of healthy foods here at home. I *do* buy him special foods that are just for him and he's allowed to use his own money for junk food.

 

I would first praise him for confessing, calmly explain that it is very difficult for the person preparing meals to have important items go missing, then put him in charge of planning, shopping (with a budget) and preparing meals for the family for one week.

 

That's a great idea. I think I will do that with him this week. Thank you!

[Pretty in Pink]

I would be annoyed that he broke your rule, but I think it's mean not to let him have birthday cake and ice cream with the rest of the family.

 

I don't know whose birthday it is, but I know that if my brother ever hadn't been allowed to share my cake on my birthday, it would have made me sad, and would have put a damper on my birthday. :(

 

It's my husband's birthday cake and ds has been a royal PITA today, irrespective of the croissants. This was just the straw that broke the camel's back. :/

[Scarlett]

I don't really know. I'm annoyed that he broke the rule. I hadn't really considered that he was an emotional eater. I have noticed for a long time that he picks at our dinner plates and sneaks food from time to time and I thought it odd.

 

Does it sound like emotional eating? I'm familiar with the term but have not experienced it myself.

My dss12 has a weird relationship to food. He is also overweight. He....for lack of a better word caresses his food. He has been known to sneak food but not usually...when he eats he eats way too much IMO. I just see a big difference in my own ds13 and my dss12. My son would eat all the sugar i will allow, but for the most part food is not the most important thing to him.

 

Is your son overweight?

[Catwoman]

It's my husband's birthday cake and ds has been a royal PITA today, irrespective of the croissants. This was just the straw that broke the camel's back. :/

I hate to say this, but he's 14, and I'm pretty sure being a PITA is in the official job description for 14yo boys. ;)

 

I still think your dh is being too harsh.

[Scarlett]

Yes I would praise him for confessing even if the consequence remains. I think fessing up is one of the hardest things for ANYONE to do.

[Scarlett]

I hate to say this, but he's 14, and I'm pretty sure being a PITA is in the official job description for 14yo boys. ;)

 

I still think your dh is being too harsh.

Ok Cat I am starting to see a pattern here! You are really an undercover operative for teen boys rights aren't you? ;)

[Pretty in Pink]

My dss12 has a weird relationship to food. He is also overweight. He....for lack of a better word caresses his food. He has been known to sneak food but not usually...when he eats he eats way too much IMO. I just see a big difference in my own ds13 and my dss12. My son would eat all the sugar i will allow, but for the most part food is not the most important thing to him.

 

Is your son overweight?

 

He is not, no. He's very thin.

 

My ds is bossy about food -- if he hears one of his brothers ask me for food he will bark at them for it before I even have a chance to reply. Then again, he takes that tone with them often regardless of what they are talking about. He's always glancing at me when he takes extra helpings like I'm going to tell him no but I never have unless he's reaching for thirds before his siblings have had their seconds.

 

This child has ALWAYS had pretty much free access to healthy foods. I've never forced him to clean his plate and I don't generally use food for punishments/rewards. It's never been an issue -- my kids eat willingly.

[Catwoman]

Ok Cat I am starting to see a pattern here! You are really an undercover operative for teen boys rights aren't you? ;)

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

Yup.

 

It's all part of my Evil Master Plan.

 

And there is no truth to the rumor that I'm actually a 15yo boy posing as a 50yo mom here on the forums.

 

Or is there.................... :D

[bolt.]

I would have him repay double the cost of the whole package (once to replace the item and once as a fine) -- and, if possible having him go out and use his own money to buy what was needed for the supper... Perhaps on a bike?

 

I wouldn't use cake as a punishment.

 

He sounds like he lacks impulse control -- which is odd at his age, and beyond my parenting experience to make any good recommendations about.

 

Vague thoughts:

 

He sounds actually hungry, but resists your normal "anytime foods" -- have they lost their appeal due to over exposure? (that happens physiologically.) Could you "rotate" available snacks in some way? So things are a bit more appealing? Is there enough salt/butter/meat/cheese/spice as a flavour profile in your snacks? Have you (recently) gone to the trouble of preparing an anytime snack and showing him how delicious they are? (Bread, butter and salt... Mmmmm).

 

Does he have a way to buy himself treats of his own? (Free money, transportation to a grocery store) Or do you take grocery requests where kids pay, and you pick up something -- for their very own?

 

Has he ever experienced not food insecurity, but maybe some other trauma? Is there any chance he is anxious (for a reason) or suffers anxiety (as a condition)?

 

Does he lack impulse control in other areas? Can you gain any insight from where/when/how this trait surfaces? Do you have strategies you taught him when he was younger?

[Scarlett]

He is not, no. He's very thin.

 

My ds is bossy about food -- if he hears one of his brothers ask me for food he will bark at them for it before I even have a chance to reply. Then again, he takes that tone with them often regardless of what they are talking about. He's always glancing at me when he takes extra helpings like I'm going to tell him no but I never have unless he's reaching for thirds before his siblings have had their seconds.

 

This child has ALWAYS had pretty much free access to healthy foods. I've never forced him to clean his plate and I don't generally use food for punishments/rewards. It's never been an issue -- my kids eat willingly.

Same in our house....not sure about life at his mom/ stepdads. But somehow he has began to use food as comfort.

[Scarlett]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

Yup.

 

It's all part of my Evil Master Plan.

 

And there is no truth to the rumor that I'm actually a 15yo boy posing as a 50yo mom here on the forums.

 

Or is there.................... :D

 

Haha. Nervous laugh......

[bettyandbob]

If he's eating off others' plates and not overweight, I would make sure he get enough during the meal. 14 is a big eating time for boys because they are growing a lot. 

 

Besides having an unhealthy relationship with food, does he have issues with entitlement. Like is he eating the croissants because he just thinks he should have priority over his siblings. One of dc is like this. I have no idea why. His next closest sibling is always working her butt off to earn $ for things she wants and set priorities. For some reason this one dc thinks he should just have more. I don't know why, but the entitlement thing goes beyond food for him. 

 

 

[Guest]

I wouldn't worry too much about eating disorders, based on my own memory of being 14 and what ds1 has told me. Teen hunger can be very intense and unpredictable. Go, you for understanding and being able to provide healthier alternatives than top ramen.

[Scarlett]

Same in our house....not sure about life at his mom/ stepdads. But somehow he has began to use food as comfort.

For instance he had a $5 bill. He tried desperately to use it in a vending machine that wouldn't accept it ( we were at a hospital visiting his grandfather)....later he was with me while I shopped at wal mart....he picked up an expensive block of cheese ( relatively speaking for my grocery shopping habits) and then gave me his $5 to pay for it. I just can't imagine spending y money on food at that age.

[bolt.]

I am seeing a bit of "unhealthy relationship with food" here too (not just the hiding and the crumbs, but the aggressive / defensive things you mentioned too). I'm well out if my depth. Maybe some research into not-quite-disordered eating? There must be some research out there.

[bettyandbob]

I, too, would make him repay the cost of the package of croissants, plus gas.

 

I wouldn't have taken away birthday cake. I do understand--when someone is a PITA you don't actually want to enjoy your own cake with them. 

[Scarlett]

I wouldn't worry too much about eating disorders, based on my own memory of being 14 and what ds1 has told me. Teen hunger can be very intense and unpredictable. Go, you for understanding and being able to provide healthier alternatives than top ramen.

Right, it is probably not a disorder or anything...maybe he is just hungry especially if he is thin! What I've done for ds at times ( he is thin) especially when he was swimming is get him special high calorie foods...like instant breakfast...ice creams, .etc....maybe have it be ' just for him' since he is going through a growth spurt.

[bolt.]

I wonder if PITA behaviour, dad's frustration and emotional eating might be related here? Maybe in the vein of, "If I can't be good enough, I might as well do the kinds of wrong things that at least taste good for a moment."???

[Scarlett]

I think for a consequence for sneaking 3, he just gets none tomorrow when the rest of the family does.

 

( I do realize the consequence has already been set)

[texasmama]

One can have an unhealthy relationship with food without having a diagnosable eating disorder. Countless adults have this issue.

 

Since he is thin, he truly may not be getting enough to satisfy hunger and he may feel, for reasons unclear at this point, that he cannot or should not continue to eat more in front of others, thus the hiding behavior. If he had just eaten croissants, I would think teen selfishness but the whole picture suggests something beyond that. Eating leftovers off of others plates is not selfish.

[Catwoman]

I think for a consequence for sneaking 3, he just gets none tomorrow when the rest of the family does.

 

( I do realize the consequence has already been set)

:iagree:

 

 

I think that's an excellent idea, and it fits the situation much better as well, because it's directly related to the actual offense.

 

But if he's not getting the cake, someone might as well eat it, and I would like to volunteer my services.

 

I am such a giver. ;)

[fairfarmhand]

He should have to pay for another package of crossaints and whatever meal you were planning to have with them tonight,,,,he gets to go without his crossaint.

[NicAnn]

Sounds like eating issues to me. Not "get into therapy now" issues, but something. I had unhealthy relationships with food my whole life. It comes to the surface even now, in certain situations. I get very uneasy and will hide food/eat in secret if someone comments on how much or little I'm eating.

 

So just be aware and please don't use food as a reward or punishment. Boys have eating issues too, and often they don't look the way one would expect.

[klmama]

It sounds like typical hungry teen boy behavior to me. They get pretty ravenous, and they don't tend to make the best decisions then.  I would have said that since he already ate his share of the croissants, he wouldn't get any with his dinner (or whatever meal they were for). 

 

As for the habit of taking special food when there are other things available, maybe he doesn't like to take the time to prep the food.  If he has braces, he can't just bite into apples, he needs to cut them up. Yogurt needs to be spooned out into bowls, carrots need to be peeled, etc.  Yeah, that's not that big a deal to US, but to a hungry teen, it may seem like a lot of extra work when he's already very hungry.  Ask him if that's the problem.  If it is, after dinner I would have him prep his snacks for the next day - cut up veggies or fruits (and dip fruits in lemon, lime, or orange juice to prevent browning), get yogurt ready in individual covered bowls, etc., and put all of them in one spot in the fridge as his own store of snacks. 

[WishboneDawn]

It's my husband's birthday cake and ds has been a royal PITA today, irrespective of the croissants. This was just the straw that broke the camel's back. :/

If he has issues with food or is an emotional eater I would not be using food and what it represents as punishment, especially such with such a charged event as a birthday.

[regentrude]

Sounds like hungry teen behavior to me. This is exactly the thing my 14 y/o would do - unless I had specifically spelled out "do not eat THIS item, it is to be saved for such and such meal". I have to put stickers on food that is off-limits. The amount of food a thin male teen can consume is staggering.

 

I would be concerned that he feels the need to sneak food and eat in secret instead of just sitting down at the table and eating openly. Our rule is that food is to be eaten at the dining table, not anywhere else in the house. I am not concerned that he eats leftovers from other people's plates; we all do, since we do not throw away food.

 

As for consequences: I would calmly explain that this was to be saved and that he needs to ask before opening any foods. I would also make sure he has free access to plenty of foods so he can eat when he is hungry; foods that are grab and go and do not need preparation, special tools, etc, and are calorie dense. Carrots may be healthy, but won't fill up a teen boy.

 

But I would not make it a big deal. 14 y/o boys are not famous for thinking carefully before they make decisions. If it was my son, I'd remind him to be more thoughtful the next time and ask him what he wants to eat now. I would most definitely not use food as a punishment.

[Melissa in Australia]

It sounds like typical hungry teen boy behavior to me. They get pretty ravenous, and they don't tend to make the best decisions then.  I would have said that since he already ate his share of the croissants, he wouldn't get any with his dinner (or whatever meal they were for). 

 

As for the habit of taking special food when there are other things available, maybe he doesn't like to take the time to prep the food.  If he has braces, he can't just bite into apples, he needs to cut them up. Yogurt needs to be spooned out into bowls, carrots need to be peeled, etc.  Yeah, that's not that big a deal to US, but to a hungry teen, it may seem like a lot of extra work when he's already very hungry.  Ask him if that's the problem.  If it is, after dinner I would have him prep his snacks for the next day - cut up veggies or fruits (and dip fruits in lemon, lime, or orange juice to prevent browning), get yogurt ready in individual covered bowls, etc., and put all of them in one spot in the fridge as his own store of snacks. 

:iagree:

 

And I will freely admit that I have snuck food before, even as an adult. and have taken it to my room and eaten it there. have I got a food problem ? No. Am I overweight? No.   It was just that the  chocolate was calling me

[Joker]

He sounds hungry.

 

My dh grew up in a big family and they didn't always have enough food (even though his parents thought they did). Dh would regularly get up during the middle of the night and sneak spoonfuls of sugar so he didn't feel so hungry. He would have definitely eaten the croissants instead if he had access to them.

[Catwoman]

Soooooooooo.... Did he get to have some cake and ice cream?

[Scarlett]

I think I have a slightly unhealthy relationship with food. I LOVE eating alone.....but I also love eating with people so who knows maybe I just like food.

 

I have found my 13 yo son HAS to have the food prepared. He will scoop ice cream but he won't peel a peach. If I do it for him he gobbles it up.

 

Boys are hungry. All of the time.

[mom2samlibby]

He sounds like a hungry, teenaged boy to me.  It doesn't sound like an emotional eater to me, just a hungry boy.  Since you don't normally buy them, I'm guessing they tasted pretty good and he wanted more of them.  They were on the counter and yummy, so he ate them.  

 

Do you or you DH ever say anything to him about his eating?  If so, I'm guessing that would be more of why he ate them in his room and the garage.  Or he ate them in private because he didn't want to share with siblings.  

 

I wouldn't have restricted him from cake and ice cream.  

 

I know you say that he has access to plenty of food, but if this is something that isn't normally offered it probably sounded a lot better than the same old snacks that are always around.

[Ali in OR]

In our house, the biggest issue would be that he messed up plans for a future dinner. Since he can't drive to the store and buy more, I would take enough money from him to pay for another package plus reimburse me for my time and gas $ to get to the store (and my time is feeling pretty valuable these days!). I wouldn't stress much over it--teen boys eat a lot. I have two older brothers and a younger sister and I have described my childhood as living in a "competitive food environment." When mom came home from the grocery store, we all had two bowls of cereal immediately (she usually got one "good" box and then a bunch of boring boxes like corn flakes). We ate even if we weren't hungry because otherwise our siblings ate it all and we wouldn't get any! We had an uncle by marriage who told us that in his home, kids would lick dinner rolls to "claim" them so no one else could get them. And I'm talking about families with plenty of food--no poverty issues. There's just something about a lot of mouths in a house that gets some people's (ie teenage boys) competitive juices flowing.

[Catwoman]

 

I simply give my kids a well-rounded education that matches their abilities.

Well, all I can say is that it's about time our Resident Troll showed up tonight.

 

It's getting late and I was starting to worry. ;)

[texasmama]

As a point of reference for hungry teens, my almost 13 year son had a filling dinner and just came to me requesting food. I made him essentially another dinner - large bowl of hearty beef stew, a cup of corn and two watermelon slices. He is 5'6" and average to slim build. He ate a large lunch today followed by a second lunch of two apples and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He easily eats twice what I eat in a day. He has no food issues. He's just hungry and growing. We are a very tall family so I expect him to shoot up very soon.

[texasmama]

Well, all I can say is that it's about time our Resident Troll showed up tonight.

 

It's getting late and I was starting to worry. ;)

the trolls are always good for a chuckle.

[MarinesWife]

My first thought was that he is still hungry ... all the time ... and the croissants looked good!   If he is eating off the plates then I would think he is still hungry - he might not want you to know how hungry he is or he might not realize that it's okay for him to be so hungry ... at this age.  :)  

 

I don't want my kids eating in their rooms and any.time.all.the.time. I found something in there (ahem..Sam) I would apply discipline. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

He sounds like someone who wants those carbs.  If he's thin, I wouldn't worry about it.  Carbs are designed to be used for energy.  I would have simply sent my son down to the store for more croissants.  

[Danestress]

I agree with those who think absurd cravings and 'over' eating are normal for 14 year old boys. They have to grow and gain a ton of weight year by year.

 

I do have a rule about not eating anywhere but the kitchen.

 

Usually when kids break rules I just express displeasure but let it go. I don't like punishment as a way to run a household. That is a personal preference but it really does work around here. I would tell him I am annoyed, but that is all I would do, and withholding other treats is probably the last thing I would consider.

[City Mouse]

Sneeking food has been an on going issue with My DD who has ADHD (don't know if that is she does it, but it may have to do with poor impulse control). Over the years we tried many thing to get her to stop sneaking food, but nothing was successful for very long.

To make a long story short, I really just gave up on the food issue. When I bought food items that I did not want her to eat I specifically told her so. When I bought things she liked I would buy some specifically for her and some for her brother. I would often buy his in flavors that she did not like. Once she had a summer job, she could use her money to buy whatever food she wanted.

As far as being overly bossy to siblings, I would let DS do exactly what she told him he couldn't do even if I might have agreed with her, and I let her know exactly what I was doing and why. It used to make her very mad, but you know what, she stopped bossing him around in front of me.

[Mommyof4ks]

It sounds like he is just hungry for carbs. Does he work out or play sports? If he is thin and active, then I would figure he just wants what he wants and it is not fruit and other healthy options. I get that way sometimes too. I just want a sandwich rather than a banana, or I swing by and get a coke when I should go home and drink water. As for punishment I would just tell him that he cannot have a croissant with the meal they were intended for, and he can have regular bread or no bread at all. I try not to make a big deal out of food.

[Mena]

I don't think this is a huge deal. I'd just send him to the store to buy more croissants.