S/O ettiquette/protocol: So how does one reestablish or fix a no contact relationship?

[Chris in VA]

Nm

[ThisIsTheDay]

Just based on what you wrote, if it were me, I would write a card to him, apologizing for my insensitive comment, stating how much I miss him and have missed out on not seeing his family grow, I would ask him if he would consider reestablishing contact with me, and I would tell him that I understand how my words must have hurt him, that I don't want to intrude into his life, but how very much it would mean to me if he and I were at least able to speak to each other occasionally.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:  Praying for you, Jean.

 

[PrairieSong]

Yes, I would send a heartfelt letter of apology or possibly call him and ask if the two of you could meet. Do you have his current phone number? Actually I think a letter first may be better, and then meeting in person later.

 

I have a brother who has been estranged from our family for many years, but does not want to re-establish contact ( long long story) so I do feel for you. I hope all goes well between you and your brother!

[texasmama]

I agree with the rest of the ladies.  Send a card, extend the olive branch and let the chips fall where they may.  In the end, you will know that you did what you could to mend the relationship.  That would be important to me in your situation.  (((hugs)))  I don't think it is "too late", by any means.  There is not a time limit on extending a kindness in this manner.

[Angie in VA]

I was going to say write him a letter. Good advice given here. 

[ThisIsTheDay]

I wanted to add:  Even if you don't get the response you were hoping for at this time, at least you've taken the first step, and he knows the opportunity is there if he should ever want to contact you in the future.

 

When I was a child, my mom and her sister were estranged for 8 years. There was ZERO contact following one hateful, fateful letter after an unpleasant holiday situation.  No one ever thought the relationship would mend.  But it did, awkwardly at first.  They eventually even became close again, truly enjoying each other's company and friendship.  They are in constant email contact and now make special efforts to see each other several times a year.

 

It is possible for things to change, and I hope that is the same in your case.

[Catwoman]

I'm iffy on the card/letter idea.

 

I know that when I have something important in writing, I read it a thousand times and completely over-analyze it, and half the time I come up with the wrong conclusion. I don't know what your brother is like, but he could be an idiot like me, or he could be the type to skim it once and toss it away without a second thought. He might also share it and discuss it at length with his wife, which might not be a great thing if she doesn't particularly like you.

 

Is there any way you can just give him a call at work or something?

 

Are your parents still alive? Would they be willing to try to set up a meeting so you and your brother can talk? Would they tell him that you're sincere and that you really want to be in contact with him again?

 

I think it's great that you want to re-establish the relationship with your brother and I hope it works out. :grouphug:

[KathyBC]

I have a family member who will not keep in contact. My sister has found that if she texts him (and not too often) he will reply, so at least she gets the chance to say happy birthday, things like that. Makes me want to get a smart phone, actually.

[gardenmom5]

1st question - do you want to?   It's possible.

 

start with sending "thinking of you" cards to your brother.  after you've done this for awhile, write a letter to him telling him how you feel about him, express regret for the estrangement and that you'd like to make things better.   if you've never actually disapproved of his wife, let him know you're sorry about that misunderstanding and how you really feel.  maybe a phone call.

 

it will probably take time, and he may need time to warm up to the idea, so don't just send one thinking of you car, but send them on a regular basis - say 1x - 2x per month.

good luck,

[Dana]

Is there any way you can just give him a call at work or something?

 

Strongly, strongly, strongly disagree.

 

I've got some issues with my family. Some days even an email feels like an intrusion. A phone call at work would be so over the line that there's no way I'd be willing to even consider a relationship. It would take time away from my job - and it would upset me which isn't good at work.

 

Email is okay, letter is okay.

I agree with others who suggest sending a letter and stating what you'd like (a relationship) and the apology.

 

It also may be there isn't much to come back to on his part. I'm reaching the point with my mother that although she wants a relationship, I think I just don't and it's better for me to just let that go entirely. It depends a lot on the past history whether it's worth it to the person cutting ties to open back up. In some cases the past history is just too much, in which case, respect his wishes and back off. But I do think cards/emails is an okay start. I'd stay FAR away from the phone though.

 

And I'd also suggest going slow. If there's been no contact for 8 years, starting up with monthly cards may feel like an intrusion. Maybe start with card or email every few months (unless you get a good response back).

 

Good luck to you.

I do sympathize with you. One suggestion is that if you want to resume contact, you also WILL need to listen to his reasons for cutting contact and make changes (if you're willing) to keep that contact. For me, I hear a lot of talk but don't see changes, so I'm giving up and the option to make changes is (I think) over.

[HRAAB]

I would write a letter. A phone call might be too disruptive for him, and the only alternative he would have is to disconnect. With a letter, he can put it aside for a few hours/days until he's ready to read it. Phone calls take you by surprise. Plus with a letter you can go back a day later and read it, take out anything that might not sound right, give it some thought.

 

I have a very strained relationship with a close family member, and phone calls never work well for me. They don't give me enough time to think of the correct words and how they might impact my relative. I would much rather put it in writing.

 

Whether he responds or not, you have done the right thing and tried.

[bolt.]

Letter or email, just to "let him know" you are sorry, and have been sorry, and that you don't like the no contact situation, and hope it might change. Brief! (No spilling your guts) and no guilt or assumptions, a warm-but-calm/rational tone, and absolutely no expectations. You want to give him a status update from your side of things -- you give it. He does what he wants with it.

 

Follow that by very occasional "light" contacts (cards, texts, emails) to acknowledge occasions. Keep these occasional! (Don't pester with monthly 'thinking of you' messages. Stick with legit reasons for contact, and make them low key.)

 

If you get no response, after about a year, try calling on an occasion -- again, no drama! A sibling bring polite and keeping in touch, that's all. Leave a message if you don't get thru and try again next occasion -- but only two in a row, or once a year max.

 

In a while, if there is zero response, decide if you want to do the 'one way' thing perpetually, of if you want to pull back to fewer occasions, or just give up.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I agree with a letter or a card.  The thing is, the contact was broken off by him so you need to realize that it can only be reestablished with his consent.  Definitely apologize.  And then wait.  I wouldn't do the repeated card suggestion or the phone call at work suggestion - to me, those are breaches in a boundary for someone who has broken off contact.  Realize too that if the situation involves his wife, it legitimately is going to be a decision that both of them are going to make (or at least one will make but the other will condone).  

[Zebra]

I would strongly discourage you from calling him at work or at home, and even more strongly discourage you from repeatedly contacting him.   I've been on the other side of this, and it comes off as intrusive if you keep trying to contact someone who doesn't want to be contacted by you.   Not that you are going to do that, but just FYI.   If I were you, I would write a letter and basically tell him that if he wants to have contact again you are open to it, and then leave ball in his court.   You can apologize or not, or whatever you feel you need to do.   But, if you are feeling like you want to extend the olive branch do it, but then back off and let him make the next move.  

 

 

[Chris in VA]

know how

[Dana]

:grouphug:

[ThisIsTheDay]

I have a family member who will not keep in contact. My sister has found that if she texts him (and not too often) he will reply, so at least she gets the chance to say happy birthday, things like that. Makes me want to get a smart phone, actually.

 

Kathy, do you know that you can send an email to a phone number, and it will be received as a text?

 

The only caveat is that you know the cell phone carrier.  Basically, instead of an email address, you'll use their cell phone number and carrier code. You can find examples here. 

 

HTH.

[Catwoman]

Wow, I didn't realize my "call him on the phone" idea was so lousy. I was just thinking that when you make a phone call, you get an immediate response and don't have to wait on pins and needles to see if the other person is ever going to respond (and I'm not really much of a card person, anyway,) but now that you guys have explained it, the card or letter idea makes a lot of sense.

 

Once again, I stand corrected!!! :)

[Tammyla]

I agree with sending the card and an apology.  Don't be too disheartened if he doesn't respond at first.  I'd follow up with a holiday or birthday card as time goes by regardless of his response or lack of one.  This will allow you to feel a little peace knowing you have apologized and tried to reach out to him.

 

I hope it goes well; family issues are tough. :grouphug:

[LMD]

You've gotten some great advice!

 

I reestablished contact with my estranged father 10 years ago.  I wrote him a letter, it actually ended with something along the lines of 'the ball is in your court' and my contact information.  Before I did this, I did some personal work and let go of all of my side of any issues, forgave etc, and decided that if he responded then we would start fresh.  I also made the decision to not then place expectations on what the relationship would develop into, no pressure, stress or drama for either of us.

It worked, we're in different states, but we talk fairly regularly and catch up when we can.  We enjoy each others company and we're both glad to have each other in our lives.

 

Now, I also do not have contact with someone else, and this is one relationship that will not be just blown over to be repaired, there needs to be some serious acknowledgement of bad behaviour on their part before I would consider any contact.

[KathyBC]

Kathy, do you know that you can send an email to a phone number, and it will be received as a text?

 

The only caveat is that you know the cell phone carrier.  Basically, instead of an email address, you'll use their cell phone number and carrier code. You can find examples here. 

 

HTH.

Oh, I hadn't thought of doing that in that context. I had tried sending an email-to-text message to my son's phone, but it took several hours to get there. In this case, though, that wouldn't really be such a big deal. Thanks for that!

[Little Nyssa]

I'm so glad you are thinking of fixing things. I would write, and make the offer to take the next step, whether it is visiting, holidays, facebooking, phone calls-- whatver level your relationship was before--or reading & posting on his Caringbridge site-- since he has been so sick maybe he has one?

 

Also one thing stuck out in your OP: you need to be stronger in yourself, so that even if people 'judge' you, you won't care because you are at peace with yourself & God. Then you can relate to them as you think right, without getting bogged down in what they might think of you. Hugs.

[ThisIsTheDay]

Oh, I hadn't thought of doing that in that context. I had tried sending an email-to-text message to my son's phone, but it took several hours to get there. In this case, though, that wouldn't really be such a big deal. Thanks for that!

 

It might have been a fluke. I've emailed texts to my husband and kids, and they both have different cell phone carriers.  There was no issue with transmit time.

 

[Mom0012]

I have a family member who will not keep in contact. My sister has found that if she texts him (and not too often) he will reply, so at least she gets the chance to say happy birthday, things like that. Makes me want to get a smart phone, actually.

I like the idea of a card because it isn't too invasive, but depending on your brother's personality, I might call. Some men really procrastinate and don't follow through with responding to written correspondence even if they intend to.

 

Plus, from your second post, it almost sounds like you are the one who always maintained the relationship if he only called you once in 20 years. Are you sure he didn't want to hear from you, but just assumed you wanted no contact because you didn't call?

[Angie in VA]

Coming back to this to add this about a letter v. a phone call:

I was estranged from someone and then, all of a sudden, years after last speaking to and/or seeing this person, I received a letter. In the letter, I was told what both of us thought and needed to do (Grrr!) and then, as if it were an afterthought, right there in a P.S. was huge, life-changing info. All right before TG. I got the impression that I was supposed to invite this person for TG and Christmas. Just out of the blue. "Here I am! Deal with me!" (That line has since become both a family joke and a warning how NOT to treat others.)

I am sorry to be vague, but I can't go into it any more here. Just know that if this person had called me, I would have felt as if I were ambushed and I would have been super ticked off. (This person had a relative call me later and I didn't know till the end of the call that this person was there listening the whole time. And that was years after the letter. Man, was I hot!) I found the letter less invasive. I could return to sender unopened. I could read it and be mad and shred it or burn it or re-read it and take time to decide what to do (the latter is what I did). I did respond, btw, so the ambush/eavesdropping call was unwarranted!

So, while it is very personal and you have no way of knowing how any effort you make will be received, *I* find a handwritten letter to be the most personal, most heart-felt, and the most respectful way of attempting to bridge a chasm.

[Angie in VA]

I have a family member who will not keep in contact. My sister has found that if she texts him (and not too often) he will reply, so at least she gets the chance to say happy birthday, things like that. Makes me want to get a smart phone, actually.

 

I just got texting (b/c my first born went off to college) and I don't have a smart phone. Also, ITA about sending an email as a text. You just need to know what provider the recipient has for his cell phone.