Basic rules for teens? What do you allow/not allow?

[mamato4girls]

So far I have 2 teenagers, more to come :) My oldest, 18 was really a pretty good kid. No boyfriend, drugs, sex, drinking, was home by 9pm even on weekends, and most weekends didn't go out at all. She can have a mouth and attitude, but nothing more than I had as a .

teenage girl. She graduated, has a boyfriend now going to college in the fall. I could handle all that and felt confident as a parent.

 

THEN we had teenage girl #2! Confidence gone! Has given us a constant headache since age 13, or before. Her attitude is fairly good, but everything else...ugh! I do blame myself and y husband for not being nearly as consistent as we should have. But this kid is manipulative, sneaky, will fall prey to any kind of peer pressure, expects the world to revolve around her, thinks her phone and her ability to hang out with friends is a God given right.

 

So please tell me what the basic rules for teens are in your home please. We are ready to rein in this kid and get her turned around!!

[Tap]

Wow, that is a hard one for me.  We don't have many rules here. We are more of a natural consequences house. I do understand that some kids need more rules though. 

 

Ds18 never required rules, so he didn't have any.  Not even a curfew.  If he was out late, he kept in touch. 

 

DD14 only has one rule.  All missed work from the week, must be done before sleepovers happen on the weekends. This was because a couple of her teachers at her school let the kids turn in assignments, get graded and then if they wanted to improve their score they could take the homework back, make corrections and turn it in again.  She ended up pretty behind in her school work one quarter due to half done assignments that she took back and never corrected.  That meant they were recorded as zeros, not even the first grade she received. She had two weeks of misery catching up at the end of one quarter. She agreed to putting the rule in place for he to have the accountability.

 

When they were pre-teens they had to clean their rooms on Sunday.  They couldn't play for the week until it was done. Over time that went away as they just kept their rooms clean on their own.

 

Our only family rule is: Not completing individual weekly chores by Sunday at 4pm results in a 'grounding' until they are done. But as soon as the chores are done, they are once again free.  DD14 needs clear boundaries on open ended responsibilities.  Her chore was to clean the bathroom and vacuum once weekly, sometime between Friday and Sunday at 4pm.  This gave her the freedom to control the responsibility, but also the deadline she needed. I think in 4 or 5 years, she has only missed the deadline once. 

 

Our kids have laptops and cell phones with no time limits. They limit themselves.

They don't have curfews, but if they go out with friends, a time is agreed upon appropriate for the event. They check in if times change.

I don't have any attitude issues with my older kids. (younger is a different story)

Homework and grades are self modulated.

Respect and communication are a cornerstone of our family values and the kids take that seriously.  (younger, well like I said...different story LOL)

 

 

[nd293]

Dd turns 13 in a couple of months. We have no plans for new rules. She doesn't have a phone, nor will she until 15 or 16 - there is simply no need, and we do have a spare phone if she needs one when out-and-about. She has an iPod which she uses to email. I think we may move towards switching off the house modem at 10pm, just to have better control of Internet access. We won't set a curfew - I never had one - and she can stay out as late as a parent is willing to fetch her. She won't be going to any unsupervised events anyway. She's a great kid, and I don't foresee any problems.

 

Of course, there are are family systems which apply to both her and her younger brother - they have to complete a checklist of tasks before getting their 30 min of weeknight TV, for instance. This checklist includes doing whatever chores need doing (variable depending on what I need help with), outdoor time, keeping their rooms tidy, reading and doing whatever afterschooling work I set. The kids see friends at school, and I don't see a need for lots of hanging out after school. I don't have a problem with taking them to a friend's house occasionally, but 'hanging out with friends' is certainly not an everyday event. I guess boyfriends will fall into the same category as friends, but we'll play that by ear!

[Jean in Newcastle]

Our main rules are to respect each other.  So language needs to be respectful to all in the household.  Letting people know where you are and when you are coming home and not coming home too late is respectful.  Discussing special events in advance and making allowances to be more flexible for special events (on my part usually) is respectful from us to the teen.  Being able to function in school and in the home is important.  I don't micromanage these things but ds does know that if I make any suggestions it is motivated by my concern for his well-being and it is part of a dialogue, not an ultimatum.  Because this dialogue has been going on for years and years, it is a cumulative and reciprocal discussion - not me sitting down with a teen and lecturing him.  This dialogue includes the healthy use of media.  

[albeto]

I have three teens, but we have no rules. My oldest took care of that idea (rules = well behaved kids). In short, I think the best things you can do is 1) identify your major goals, and 2) learn to work with your child's temperament, and 3) identify when the child pushes you out of your own comfort zone. I personally think that last part is what makes us say certain kids are "easy." I also think this is why people work to maintain control in their homes, which often times results in tension and distrust. 

[Halftime Hope]

The following have been family mantra for ages:

 

1) everyone in the house shares the work.  (This has and can take myriad forms; in our house it changes at a minimum each semester.)

2) we have no set curfew, instead we discuss and agree to it on an individual basis  (Now my kids come and go as they choose for the most part, but they still keep us informed.)

3) no one goes anywhere until we know the 5 W's, who, what, when, where, and why.

4) if/when plans change, call.  (do not text; call.)

5) don't make someone else pick up after you.  do ask for help if needed.

6) put away what you've used, and by golly if you run something out and don't put it on the list, you get to make a special trip to the store and buy it on your dime.

 

I hope some of those help.

 

Val

[Amber in SJ]

My dd #1 was a terror at home.  Every word out of her mouth was contentious, rude and condescending from the age of 13 on.  She is 19 now and away at school most of the year.  The rules were

 

Curfew:  Dependent on activity but generally 10pm on weekends.  When I say dependent on activity I mean if she went to a 2pm matinee she doesn't need to be "hanging out" until 10pm with nothing to do.  That was a recipe for disaster for this particular child.  The 10pm curfew was from ages 14-15, it changed to 11pm from 16-18 and now her 19 year old self, home from college, needs to be home by midnight.

 

Phone:  both dds have received their own phone at 15.  Before that they use the "family cell phone" which is an old clunky cell phone that no teen would be caught dead using but works perfectly fine for calling me to let me know they are done with whatever they are away from home doing.  Once they have their own phone it goes to bed at 9:30 if they are home and 10pm if they are out.  The phone lives in the living room on a charging station.  The phone does not sleep in their room ever.

 

Schoolwork:  All assigned schoolwork for the week must be completed by 4pm on Friday or no one goes anywhere or does anything. 

 

We also had the usual rules are respecting others with your words and actions.

 

My daughter broke all of these rules over & over.  We did everything.  I read every book.  We went to family therapy.  Nothing worked.  What made things better was her moving out.  Before you feel too bad for me I will say she called me almost everyday from college to tell me how much she loved me.  It was weird.  She is not rebellious in any other way, no drinking, drugs, sex, or any other risky behaviors; just a mouth on her that would not quit.

 

My dd#2 is now a month shy of 16 and breaks none of the rules.  She is loving & respectful and we have a fantastic time together.  Dd#1 is constantly pointing out how dd#2 is never in trouble, but refuses to admit that dd#2 doesn't do any of the behaviors that got dd#1 in trouble.

 

I just want to say that all you can do is your best & consistency is the key.  Also sometimes a child does better with one parent that the other.   Dh could say the something to my older dd and from him it was a great suggestion that showed how much he loved her and wanted the best for her.  The same suggestion from me meant I was trying to run her life.

 

Amber in SJ

 

[J-rap]

The main rule was treating each other with kindness and respect, and that meant 100% of the time. Being unkind was never allowed. However, we didn't necessarily punish them, but we helped them understand why it was wrong or possibly skewed, and helped them come up with different ways of expressing their views that were more polite.

 

Other than that, we had just a few rules:

 

10% of earnings go to charity

 

daily chores need to be done before bedtime

 

20 minutes of "fun" computer time allowed every 4 hours, and in a public place (yes, even in high school)

 

home by 10pm on a school night and midnight on a weekend night, unless discussed beforehand

 

dating only allowed in a public place

 

and of course the obvious: no drinking, smoking, etc.

 

However, nearly all -- except treating each other with respect and kindness -- was negotiable. For example, my son was in a scene in a movie once where he had to smoke a cigarette, so my husband took him out to the back porch to teach him how to smoke one properly. :)

 

*Those rules all went to pot three years ago after my husband had a stroke, however, and I still had two teenagers at home. Fortunately, the rules were ingrained in them enough after watching their older siblings, that they managed themselves quite well. :)

[AK_Mom4]

Our primary for teens was "no dating until you are 16".  This was totally something arbitrary we made up when they were preschoolers and just carried along.  It worked for us because it meant they had an established circle of friends and lots of activities by the time they started dating.

 

We didn't do curfews per say - at our house, it's part of being a grown up to let someone know what time to expect you home and to call if plans change.  doubly true when the weather was bad. The kids always had chores until jobs and sports started taking up their free time, then they just helped out when they were home as needed.

[Heather in Neverland]

I have never actually sat down and thought about "rules" in that sense. Well, let's see. My ds (15yo) does not have a cell phone. We have an extra cell phone in our home that he takes with him when he goes somewhere. Other than that, it stays off. He does have his own computer and ipad and we don't really limit his time on it (although we do have all his passwords and LOTS of various blocks in place). 

 

One thing about living here is that expat teens cannot get a driver's license. So if they want to go somewhere (mall, movies, etc.) they have to be driven there and picked up by a parent. Well, no parent is going out at 2am to pick kids up from somewhere so all the teens come home at a decent hour. So curfew really isn't an issue. 

 

No car also hampers dating (which we don't allow anyways). It's hard to pick a girl up for a date when you don't have a car, driver's license, or a job (expat teens also cannot get a work permit here). 

 

He can't use the computer for free time until his homework and chores are done each day. That's a big rule!

 

 

[Joyofsixreboot]

We've been pretty lucky.  Next year will make teen #5 with 2 more to go.  Basically the only rule is "treat everyone as you want to be treated".  Let us know where you're going and if you'll be back.  Frankly, the hardest thing for me is keeping my own attitude in check if they start to get snippy.  I have to push myself to be reasonable because my fall back is usually snarky sarcasm which is NOT helpful.  I try to remember what teen years were like.  Dh and I seldom say no to anything but we often compromise so....they'll go to a concert but come home after instead of going to stay with friends or they can leave for the swim party but only after they mow the lawn.  We don't have a set curfew or limits on phone or computer but we haven't needed them.  I'm not big on punishing teens either. Unless life threatening I usually prefer to talk it over and let natural consequences do the work. Overall mine have been great.  I was not, so I'm counting my lucky stars.

[Donna]

We don't have many rules. Besides a little mouth here and there, my kids have been pretty good kids.

 

Dating: My boys are not allowed to date one-on-one until they are 16. (It was an arbitrary age my parents gave to me and worked well so we used it.) They were allowed to do group things with a mixed group or have a female friend to the house. They have their video games in their rooms so if they have a friend over, they can be in their rooms but the door must remain open at all times. My oldest rarely has a girlfriend and doesn't go out very often and my younger ds has a friend over now and then but nothing serious...mostly friends he goes fishing with.

 

They don't go any place unless I know who, what, when, and where. Unless he is driving, ds is required to answer the phone when I call or answer when I text. Phone must be off when driving.

 

They don't have a set curfew. We tell them with each event what time we expect them home and if they are running late for whatever reason they need to call and let me know.

 

When we give them a job to do, they need to do it or they will not be allowed to do other things. They are given chores each week (or something daily in the summer) to do to help with smooth running of the household. They don't have set chores because their available time is different day by day.

 

I try to make time to "connect" with each of the kids. I play a video game with my oldest or sing while my middle ds plays guitar. We talk a lot. I am not naive enough to think they tell me everything but I want them to know I am there for them when they want or need to talk.

[fairfarmhand]

mmmm.. I wouldn't say that we have a list of rules.

 

My dd got her Iphone taken away (probably for good) because of a complete inability to moderate her usage. I was disgusted by the self-centeredness it fostered and how she was never engaged in the family because she was constantly texting/emailing/Facebooking.

 

Closely related to that, my dd has a limit of 1 hour on the computer per day.

 

She asks us about plans with friends, but I am sure that we will have to revisit the issue once she starts driving. (She will assume that she can go and do whatever she wants because she will be mobile, but I refuse to have our home simply be a place for work, cash and food while she uses up all her pleasantness on people outside the family)

 

She has a rule that she must ride her horse three times per week. ;) and participate in family chores.

[Miss Marple]

We never really had a set list of rules. My oldest was extremely compliant and just an all around "good" kid. That helped set the stage for the rest. The youngest, however, is cut from a different cloth. His needs and desires are different from the others. He is less content. He is more social. This has caused us to make allowances where we thought we would never make allowances. He needs to experience more and we have allowed him to do more which in turn has caused him to understand that we trust him...and he in turn behaves in a trustworthy manner. There have been hiccups...once I found body building nutritional supplements in his trunk which he knew were off limits. I allowed my imagination to run wild with that...I was sure he would be sneaking around with his older friends and doing things that might cause him permanent damage. But I reined myself in before speaking with him...and discovered that he had picked them up to deliver them to a fellow scout who didn't drive (and whose parents allowed the supplements). I was sooo glad I didn't get all over him about it. But I did tell him that he is not to purchase anything for others.

 

Every child is different and we need to be flexible in our parenting tactics. Sometimes those "harder" kids just need to know that we trust them. FWIW, I told this particular son (around age 15) that I had taught him right from wrong, he has a conscience, and that I wasn't always going to be around to tell him what he should and should not do. Basically I turned over to him the responsibility to do the right thing. And he seemed to take that to heart - and seemed a little surprised that I didn't want to micromanage him.

[Artichoke]

nm.

Edited March 10, 2017 by Artichoke

[elegantlion]

I'll admit I have an easy kid and I'm pretty lenient on many things. He's earned that leniency by being respectful of the few rules we do have. 

 

My big rule is:

 

1. You cannot live in the attic when you're 30 - mainly because I want him to have his own life. His bedroom is an attic dormer, he likes that. 

 

 

Real rules?

 

1. be respectful of yourself and others

2. When I ask for help, please respond immediately. 

3. Clean up after yourself

4. Do your chores thoroughly

5. Don't whine

6. Remember I'm not perfect and neither are you

7. Be honest with me

 

I have some rules for myself as well. 

 

1. remember he's ____(insert age), he's not ______(insert your age). act accordingly

2. be honest with him

3. Be respectful of his space and time

4. Listen to him - even if it's 11pm and he's going on and on about something I don't get. Share his passions. 

5. Don't respond in anger - it's okay to take a mommy time out

6. Don't set rules you can't keep consistently. 

7. Remind him that you know it's tough to be ______(insert age)

8. Allow him some control over certain areas of his life. 

9. Allow him room to grown, change his mind, and learn without "I told you so" or judgment. 

10. Remember you want him to call you when he's 30. 

 

I don't know, we've had so much chaos (not from ds) in our lives in the last 3-5 years that I find parenting of a teen very different than I thought it would be. I find myself working on my rules more than his. 

[Artichoke]

4. Listen to him - even if it's 11pm and he's going on and on about something I don't get. Share his passions.

This is one of my favorite parts of being a parent. I usually wait up until the dc come home; and when they want to spend those extra few minutes at night just talking about what they've been doing or want to do, I just sit and listen and enjoy the moment. It always reminds me of when they were infants and the solitude of night time feedings where we could relax and enjoy each other's company while we got to know each other.

[Wheres Toto]

My oldest is 19 and away at college most of the year, so no real rules for her now except cleaning up after herself, letting us know about how late she'll be out when she is at home (not really a curfew more just a courtesy since we leave lights on, she'll text if plans change), 80% of her paychecks come to us to help pay for her dorm room for next year and her car.

 

While she was in her teen years, she had more rules but not too many:

 

Curfew was 11pm on weekends, but she could stay out later if it was a special occasion. We didn't need a weekday curfew since she was at dance every evening and had to get up for school in the morning, in never came up.

 

No dating until she was 16. No dating anyone more than a year older than she was.

 

Electronics, phone, computer, etc. she was able to self-regulate thanks to dance/school/having to sleep sometime. If she stayed up too late (which usually would be due to reading, not electronics anyway) she paid for it the next day. We couldn't turn off the internet at a certain time because she was often up late doing school work (she didn't get home from dance/work until 9:30 most days).

 

She didn't have many chores other than cleaning up after herself since she had very little time with dance, work (once she was 16) and school.

 

She was expected to maintain decent grades in school. We didn't set an actual grade because there could be a semester that she was particularly struggling with something. If she was trying her best, even a D was okay if she was taking steps to bring it up (meeting with the teacher for extra help, studying with someone, etc.).

 

Violating any rules, blowing off school, etc. would be punished by taking away dance and, once she was older, losing her car. We never even had to come close to doing either of those things.

[mamato4girls]

Thank you all! :)

[hillfarm]

I do not allow my teen to disrespect me or her df. If she eats our food, allows us to buy her clothes, welcomes the many luxuries we provide for her, then IMO the very least she can do is show us proper respect. And by that, I mean being civil, polite, pleasant if at all possible, does her fair share of the work required to keep our small farm and home going, does not show disdain for our beliefs and practices, does not abuse her privileges, etc.

 

On one hand, she has a lot of freedom.  She has a phone and an iPod, selects most of her own clothes to be purchased, determines her own schedule, chooses her own activities, etc.  I would say that she is more restricted by our rural location than anything done by her parents.

 

On the other hand, I will not tolerate many things that seem to have become common in modern society. I don't accept back talk. She can state her thoughts or opinions on a subject, but in a reasonable way. I will take them into consideration, but I have the final say. Demands are nearly always met with automatic denial. Requests are frequently granted.

 

We have worked quite a bit on coping skills and constructive ways of expressing dissent. I don't mind if she doesn't agree with me. I don't want a Mini-me. But rudeness or insults never result in anything she wants, so she is learning not to resort to them.

 

One big category of "rules" in our home relates to health and safety. I will not allow her to do things that are not healthy or safe. I have made it very clear that I consider this part of my job as her mother and this area is non-negotiable. So no energy drinks for her (she seems to be a bit sensitive to too much caffeine), no all -fast-food-all-the-time diet, no riding in cars with kids who have been drinking, no playing outside when lightening is near, etc. Basic stuff for the most part, but common sense to me is not the same as common sense to a 14yo. Therefore she still needs "rules" to rely on.

 

I am trying hard to not over react when she breaks our "rules" in her perfectly normal quest for the separation and independence that are a necessary part of growing up. I remind her that such behavior is unacceptable in our family and we get on with life. I want her to become her own person. But for now, she is still my responsibility, under my authority and provision, and IMO, still fairly inexperienced with the ways of the world. I hope that I can do a good job of preparing her for life as a healthy, happy, self-controlled adult. It is NOT an easy task, and I make mistakes. But so does she and we just have to work it out, trust in the other, and carry on as best we can.

[Pippen]

Not a rule, but I'll mention this since it came up recently at my house.  We impress on them that we parents are always available to help them out of a social situation that they're not comfortable in or that they know is wrong.  Text me, call me, tell me to call them home, invent a curfew, blame me, whatever...we'll help you quietly get out of there and we won't (probably) yell.  

[Rebel Yell]

The following have been family mantra for ages:

 

1) everyone in the house shares the work.  (This has and can take myriad forms; in our house it changes at a minimum each semester.)

2) we have no set curfew, instead we discuss and agree to it on an individual basis  (Now my kids come and go as they choose for the most part, but they still keep us informed.)

3) no one goes anywhere until we know the 5 W's, who, what, when, where, and why.

4) if/when plans change, call.  (do not text; call.)

5) don't make someone else pick up after you.  do ask for help if needed.

6) put away what you've used, and by golly if you run something out and don't put it on the list, you get to make a special trip to the store and buy it on your dime.

 

I hope some of those help.

 

Val

 

GENIUS!  I'll have to add that one to my list of Amazingly Effective Motivators. :hurray:

 

[Tita Gidge]

My boys have all been pretty easy so far.  My daughter is still under 10, and she's a spitfire so I'm sure she'll challenge me in ways the boys don't realize are possible LOL.  But by then all of her brothers will be older teens and adults so at least I'll have their help :)

 

Most of our "rules" are more like courtesies and guidelines.  I prefer the flexibility to tighten or loosen as each situation warrants, rather than feel either party is locked into a rule for the sake of having a rule.  I live in a gray world ;)

 

I have a large family and every kid is involved in multiple extracurriculars.  My younger kids grew up on the sports fields, as the older ones played; now I expect the olders to help with carpooling the youngers.  Each boy is also expected to contribute to his preferred extracurricular as soon as he hits 13.  My 11 and 12 year olds contribute, too, just because they see the older boys doing it. Whew. This involves getting a paid job, or volunteering at their extracurricular to earn field time, flight time, etc to offset my expenses.  There is no such thing as a free lunch at Tita's house.  Only reduced lunches LOL.

 

Re: phones and such, we're a buy your own family.  When you can afford it, you may have it - "it" being whatever you choose to buy yourself. My older boys are good about giving the younger boys hand-me-down electronics as they (the olders) upgrade.  My brother added some of my older boys to his family plan once they gave him a 6 month advance payment.  The other boys who have phones are on a pay-as-you-go plan, and as they earn money they buy their minutes.  Two of my boys have chosen to forego phones entirely, as they'd rather spend their money elsewhere (and someone always has a phone they can borrow). 

 

My boys come in packs of being close in age, so one-on-one dating wasn't a huge issue.  They evolved on their own to just date within a group, or at least have a few brothers tagging along as unofficial chaperones.  I'm glad I didn't have to deal with figuring that out on my own!  My sons' friends and girlfriends like being at our house. Most families here have only 2-4 kids so I think they're fascinated by being around our big family. I just hope I still have some sons at home when my daughter starts dating!

 

Courtesies include: making sure you return a car with as much (or more) gas as you took it, keeping the family calendar up to date so people know where each other are, not eating the last of anything without updating the grocery list first so it can be replaced, asking who else wants to shower/bathe before taking a marathon 30 minute soak or shower that uses up the hot water LOL, making time to attend each other's extracurriculars to show family support - i.e., remembering you're part of a family, and not getting so into yourself/your needs/your wants/your world that you forget it.

 

I guess the one main rule we have is that Mass attendance is mandatory.  I prefer we attend as a family, but I don't mind if someone goes to at a different time or even to a different parish if they're working, spending night at a friend's, or have an extracurricular. But Mass isn't to be skipped for any of those things. They're also welcome to attend other, non-Catholic services with friends but they must also (still) attend Catholic Mass. This includes all holy days of obligation and high holy days, not just Sundays. 

 

[Miss Marple]

Not a rule, but I'll mention this since it came up recently at my house.  We impress on them that we parents are always available to help them out of a social situation that they're not comfortable in or that they know is wrong.  Text me, call me, tell me to call them home, invent a curfew, blame me, whatever...we'll help you quietly get out of there and we won't (probably) yell.  

This!  We have always told our kids that they can use us (blame us) for anything when they need an "escape".  They have used it effectively :)