So we get a wedding invitation and now what

[dancer67]

Imagine my surprise when I go to the mailbox, and I open an envelope addressed to my family from none other then, DH's brother. Who, we have not spoken to in about 7 years. He lives across the country. My husband has tried over, and over to connect with him. Called him, left messages etc. Nothing. I even tried emailing, calling, regular mail etc. My middle daughter really wanted to speak with him at the time, since we last saw him she really seemed to be connected to him. Never a response back from him. We asked one of his close friends who DOES seem to be able to connect with him, and has seen him on several occasions as to why he doesn't contact the family. Basically he shrugs and says he doesn't want to deal with the drama. But since my DH has cut ties with family members as of a few months ago, I don't even know if he knows about any of this. But I can't believe we would get an invitation from him(actually it was a save the date postcard with formal invitation to be mailed later, is this a new thing?). He has not been in our area since he has been 18 years old. I have seen him maybe a total of 4-5 times since 1986. We have sent him invites years ago to events, and he never even acknowledged them. So what is the proper etiquette for this situation? BTW, we didn't even KNOW he had a g/f until 2 years ago, told by another family member. I cannot believe we would get this from him. What would you do?

[Jean in Newcastle]

I would decide if I could go or not. If I could, I would "save the date" as requested. If not, I would wait to find out if they are registered anywhere and would get them a gift. I would not give him any drama.

[LMA]

I would decide if I could go or not. If I could, I would "save the date" as requested. If not, I would wait to find out if they are registered anywhere and would get them a gift. I would not give him any drama.

 

I agree. If you couldn't go, just RSVP with a decline as any other regular guest would do.

[Ellie]

Ignore the save-the-date card. It doesn't require any response from you. When you get the invitation, RSVP by sending regrets. Etiquette has not changed regarding that. :-) (FTR, you RSVP for attending as well as not attending; some people think you don't have to RSVP if you're planning to go.)

[Mrs Mungo]

You probably received the card from his bride. It is doubtful that she knows the real history. She either does not know anything is amiss or she is trying to mend bridges. Once you get the actual invite, then I would accept or decline, just like any other guest, and it will be up to him what he tells his bride about that.

 

 

[KungFuPanda]

Right now? I'd just decide if I want to go or not and save the date if I do. When you get the invitation, respond and let him know if you are attending. Go if you want to go and don't waste time and energy deciding if he should be punished for going underground for so long.

[FaithManor]

Bingo, Mrs. Mungo!

 

I would definitely assume the bride is just going down a list of relatives and that list may not have been provided by her fiance either. It could be anyone in the family or even a close family friend. Some grooms just don't worry about these kinds of details.

 

Since "drama" is his issue and he chose to break off contact to avoid it, I would just wait for the formal invite, send regrets with the RSVP card, and if you want to extend an "olive branch", pick an appropriate gift for your budget, and have it shipped with a nice card and personal message.

 

I wouldn't go out of my way to make a big statement with the card or the gift...leave the next step to his brother.

 

Faith

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I just want to share that my prodigal BIL reconnected with the family after 20 years (!) of living an hour away but pretending nobody existed...because of his bride. She's been amazing. The road back started with the wedding invitations. It's been several years now and things are still really good. It's great to have him back.

 

So think long and hard before you decline!

[Impish]

Honestly, unless and until an invite shows, you're not obligated to do anything

 

If an invite does show, then you need to consider the expenses involved, etc, and talk about the potential positive and negative consequences of attendance. Since you're now not having any contact w/the inlaws at all, it may well be akin to walking into a pit of hungry alligators.

 

Or, it could be a chance to reconnect w/the BIL.

[bolt.]

Because invitations and wedding business are usually "girl stuff" it's likely that *she* is the one who has decided that 'extended family members who are a bit distant but not evil shall be invited' -- and your DH's bro decided that it's fair enough to invite his siblings, since he hasn't cut ties, he's just a bit anti-family in general. He's probably not telling his fiancee, "I just don't like family 'n stuff. I don't have a good reason." -- Therefore, ta-da, guest list.

 

Wait for the real invitation.

 

If I wanted to re-boot this relationship, I'd accept the invite and respond like any tension has long since evaporated.

 

If I wanted to leave the distance as it is, I'd send a cool formal note thanking him/them for their kind invitation and offering our regrets.

[OrganicAnn]

It sounds like your DH family has some issues, since you have also cut ties with some in his family. I would assume that you got lumped together with the good, bad or ugly of the family. I would take it as an opening. I would also think it may be his bride who wants to have connection with your BILs family. But if you can't go or retain some sore feelings toward BIL, then regrets and send off a card or present (assuming you get an invitation).

[Lolly]

I would be saving the date and making plans to attend the wedding.

[Parrothead]

Obviously you are under no obligation to go. If your dh wants to try again to make a connection try to go. If your dh isn't interested then send regrets and perhaps a nice card.

[jelbe5]

I would be curious to see what my dh would want to do and would follow his lead, especially since you said your dh has cut ties. Attending the wedding could open the door for a renewed relationship. But even if it does not, it could still be fun to go. I guess I would consider going without any expectations for the future. There will probably be other family members you will enjoy seeing. But ultimately, I would respect what my dh wants to do since this is his brother and family

[dancer67]

Okay, well first. There is NO way we could possibly go. We live on the east coast and he lives on the west coast. So the expense of even going, even if we were close, would be out of the question. The bride? I have never spoken to her, or even knew anything about her. I didn't even know my BIL had a g/f until recently. And then found out through the grapevine they were living together. Again, even if we could afford to go, DH has cut ties with his mother and siblings that live here. It would NOT be a good situation to attend this event. So, if I get a formal invitation, I know I will decline. But I guess my question was, should I even send money? Not sure, but my gut tells me that is the only reason why they sent it. BIL knows darn well we cannot afford a trip like that. And after all these years after trying to reach him on numerous occasions without a word from him, BLAM. An invitation is sent for his wedding. He had PLENTY of times to reconnect with his brother. And if not him, then the least he could have done was contact my daughter who really wanted to have a relationship with him. And her messages went unanswered. I think that is rude and selfish IMO. And, I know my DH's family is probably reading this because I am stalked on here(some of you might know this), and I am sure one of them is running to the printer AGAIN to show MIL how I am being unreasonable, blah blah blah. But I have nothing to hide so they can read away. I am struggling with the gift issue. I don't want to stoop to their level, so maybe if they are registered somewhere, I can get them something nice, but inexpensive. Yes? No?

[bolt.]

Unless your DH's brother is terribly dysfunctional, I think invitations to weddings you couldn't possibly get to are simply sent as a gesture of inclusion ("We're inviting everyone we'd like to have, everyone within this family sphere, but of course not everyone can come, but how could we not invite them? That would be rude.") rather than as a grab for cash and gifts.

 

You would know better than I, and your DH would know better than you -- but neither you nor your DH has known his journey or his character in years. I advise you to run under the assumption that he's an average tolerably good guy these days, and choose your response accordingly. I don't think it's "becoming" in myself when I yield credence to my suspicious nature without (recent) evidence... so if I was in a spot like you are in, I'd need to talk myself out of ill-assumptions in order to feel like I was responding honorably.

 

A small gift, a particularly nice card, a modest check, or something home made and crafty would all be nice gestures that say, "Thanks for thinking of us -- all the best for you over there on the other coast!" If things are really tight, a little sentimentality often makes up for a lot lack of spending.

[Ellie]

Okay, well first. There is NO way we could possibly go. We live on the east coast and he lives on the west coast. So the expense of even going, even if we were close, would be out of the question. The bride? I have never spoken to her, or even knew anything about her. I didn't even know my BIL had a g/f until recently. And then found out through the grapevine they were living together. Again, even if we could afford to go, DH has cut ties with his mother and siblings that live here. It would NOT be a good situation to attend this event. So, if I get a formal invitation, I know I will decline. But I guess my question was, should I even send money? Not sure, but my gut tells me that is the only reason why they sent it. BIL knows darn well we cannot afford a trip like that. And after all these years after trying to reach him on numerous occasions without a word from him, BLAM. An invitation is sent for his wedding. He had PLENTY of times to reconnect with his brother. And if not him, then the least he could have done was contact my daughter who really wanted to have a relationship with him. And her messages went unanswered. I think that is rude and selfish IMO. And, I know my DH's family is probably reading this because I am stalked on here(some of you might know this), and I am sure one of them is running to the printer AGAIN to show MIL how I am being unreasonable, blah blah blah. But I have nothing to hide so they can read away. I am struggling with the gift issue. I don't want to stoop to their level, so maybe if they are registered somewhere, I can get them something nice, but inexpensive. Yes? No?

 

You are under no obligation to send a gift of any kind, regardless of what the relationship is. It's a nice gesture, but not mandatory in any way.

[In the Rain]

As Bolt said, I would consider it a gesture of inclusion, not a gift request. If I wanted to rekindle a relationship, I would sent a card with a thoughtful note. It sounds like you may not be interested in a relationship at this point. In that case I would just send back the RSVP card with regrets when it arrives.

[Lolly]

Okay, well first. There is NO way we could possibly go. We live on the east coast and he lives on the west coast. So the expense of even going, even if we were close, would be out of the question. The bride? I have never spoken to her, or even knew anything about her. I didn't even know my BIL had a g/f until recently. And then found out through the grapevine they were living together. Again, even if we could afford to go, DH has cut ties with his mother and siblings that live here. It would NOT be a good situation to attend this event. So, if I get a formal invitation, I know I will decline. But I guess my question was, should I even send money? Not sure, but my gut tells me that is the only reason why they sent it. BIL knows darn well we cannot afford a trip like that. And after all these years after trying to reach him on numerous occasions without a word from him, BLAM. An invitation is sent for his wedding. He had PLENTY of times to reconnect with his brother. And if not him, then the least he could have done was contact my daughter who really wanted to have a relationship with him. And her messages went unanswered. I think that is rude and selfish IMO. And, I know my DH's family is probably reading this because I am stalked on here(some of you might know this), and I am sure one of them is running to the printer AGAIN to show MIL how I am being unreasonable, blah blah blah. But I have nothing to hide so they can read away. I am struggling with the gift issue. I don't want to stoop to their level, so maybe if they are registered somewhere, I can get them something nice, but inexpensive. Yes? No?

 

 

 

Sounds to me like you need to back away and let dh handle this in the manner he wishes. If he choses to go to the wedding alone because he still desire to have contact with his brother, you should support him. (Saying this because your original post suggested he still wanted contact.) If he wants to send a gift, let him handle it. If he wants to decline, he can do it. You are understandably coming into this invitation with a lot of emotional family baggage. I assume that since ties are totally cut with his family that you have no idea whether the rest of the family has received an invitation to the wedding. There is a possibility that the invite is an olive branch just for your dh (not the rest of his family). Or, it could be a play for a gift/money like you assume. Either way, it is his family; he should be handling it.

[LeslieAnneLevine]

I assume that since ties are totally cut with his family that you have no idea whether the rest of the family has received an invitation to the wedding. There is a possibility that the invite is an olive branch just for your dh (not the rest of his family).

 

 

And it's possible that the invitation was sent as a result of OP's husband's cutting ties. If someone has cut ties with family members, it can be hard to stay in contact with someone who is going to report back. Maybe now that OP's husband and his brother are in the same boat it will be possible for them to have contact again.

 

OP, I might see this as an opportunity to send your BIL and his fiancee a card. You wouldn't have to write much--just congratulate them, let him know you love him and sign your names.

[Tammyla]

I agree with Ellie. You are under no obligation to go, or send a gift. RSVP if you receive an invite and send a card if you're feeling generous.

 

Thinking about, I guess you don't even have to send in an RSVP to an actual wedding invitation, but I'd do that at least.

[Tap]

I would use this as one last chance to contact him. He may or may not have been involved in sending the invite. If it was an olive branch, I would hate to miss it. I would just call and say "hi bro. We got your save the date card. Congratulations. I would love to talk to you, call me back.....

 

If he responds then proceed from there. If he doesn't, then I would RSVP no and not send a gift either. If, after inviting you, he doesn't bother contacting you, then I would consider myself free of the obligation.

[Ellie]

 

Thinking about, I guess you don't even have to send in an RSVP to an actual wedding invitation, but I'd do that at least.

 

Yes, you do have to RSVP to a wedding invitation. Even if you're on the left coast and the wedding is on the right coast and it's pretty obvious that you're not going, because if nothing else it's good practice for those times when you might actually be able to attend.

 

"Save the date" cards don't require any action on your part.

[dancer67]

I would use this as one last chance to contact him. He may or may have been involved in sending the invite. If it was an olive branch, I would hate to miss it. I would just call and say "hi bro. We got your save the date card. Congratulations. I would love to talk to you, call me back.....

 

If he responds then proceed from there. If he doesn't, then I would RSVP no and not send a gift either. If, after inviting you, he doesn't bother contacting you, then I would consider myself free of the obligation.

 

:iagree: This. I like this advice, and my husband will contact him if/when we get an invitation. If he doesn't answer and he leaves a message, and no call back again, this is what my DH and I will do. RSVP with a no, and no gift. For now, we will not do anything with the Save the Date card until we get a formal invite.

[QueenCat]

BIL knows darn well we cannot afford a trip like that.

 

 

I don't "not" send an invite to someone if I think they can't afford it. Everyone gets invited, and then they decide if they can come. I'd be appalled if someone didn't invite me because they determined it was out of my price range. In this case, my dh would go by himself. We'd find the money as mending the relationship would be more important than the money, even if money was tight & we had to pay it off over a few months/year. In fact, when money was tighter, we did still go to a family event and paid it off later.

[Tammyla]

 

Yes, you do have to RSVP to a wedding invitation. Even if you're on the left coast and the wedding is on the right coast and it's pretty obvious that you're not going, because if nothing else it's good practice for those times when you might actually be able to attend.

 

"Save the date" cards don't require any action on your part.

 

 

I know, but I was speaking in terms of an estranged family member. I'm not sure what they owe the couple, because of their family history. I know Emily Post would send in the RSVP, as I said I would. Without knowing the details, I'm just attempting to extend her the grace of not worrying over this.

[LibraryLover]

 

I don't "not" send an invite to someone if I think they can't afford it. Everyone gets invited, and then they decide if they can come. I'd be appalled if someone didn't invite me because they determined it was out of my price range. I

 

 

 

Bingo.

 

I love the trend of Save the Date cards. All I have seen are so clever. They don't require action, as people have said.

 

I agree with all who say RSVP however you want when you get the invite, but do RSVP. You can send a nice card, which would not be costly and would be a nice gesture to the bride.

 

Don't stress anymore about it. It's just a card, even if there is prior bad blood.

[dancer67]

I understand that when you get married, people are invited even though you are quite certain they will not attend. It is not a reason NOT to send one. But, my DH has cut ties with his mother and siblings. His brother however, has never been involved in any of the so called "drama" in his family because he has never been here with the family. Again, from what we were told by his best friend who HAS seen him quite a few times, is that he has no interest in moving closer to the family, nor does he want to deal with any family drama. Which is one of the main reasons he stays away. I have no doubt, that my MIL will attend. As she should. As far as my in-laws, for all I know this could turn into another "family vacation" that she foots the bill for. (If any of you remember the story a while back with my MIL paying for family vacations, and not bothering to invite my children. Who are all older BTW). But, even IF my DH wanted to reconnect with his brother out on the west coast, AND he could afford to go on his own(Which he cannot, because he has to have surgery on his rotator cuff, and he is self employed, and we are still fighting with workmans comp, and he is our ONLY source of income), this would not be the time to do so. My DH wants nothing to do with his mother or siblings. Here. Not unless things drastically change between him and his mother. My DH would not put my BIL in that position. It would be very awkward. If we get a formal invite, he is going to do what the other poster said. Call and speak with him and see how it goes, or leave him a message. If no contact is made by him back to DH, then we will decline, and will not send a gift. As far as we are concerned, we already had to deal with the selfish and righteous attitude from his own mother . He does not want to add any more of that to his life,or should I say our lives. His mother could have simply fixed all of this, but she chose sides. My Dh has tried speaking to her, and when she tried to plant "seeds" of doubt into his head about our marriage, that was it for him. He said we are a package deal. Either she accepts me, or she doesn't have either one of us. Period. End of story. It has been so nice and quiet. No drama anymore, and I feel like a big weight has lifted. I used to be a doormat. And saying things that people wanted to hear. No more. When I finally had enough, and threw a fit, she didn't like it, and whined to my DH how I "screamed" at her. Get over it. Ok, now my future SIL will be running to Staples to get more ink for her printer..........LOL........ :lol: :lol: She is in the "in" crowd now. So ya know, she has to prove how wonderful she is, and how horrible I am for asking advice on a "public" board. Ugh, get a life already. :chillpill: :hurray:

[Lisbeth]

I would probably blackhole the invite and just not go. If I was feeling sorry for the bride/particularly generous, I would send back a "can't attend" card when the invite comes, with NO other explanation. I kind of write off people who are hurtful to my kids.

[Ellie]

If I was feeling sorry for the bride/particularly generous, I would send back a "can't attend" card when the invite comes, with NO other explanation.

 

 

An explanation is never required with an RSVP. :-)

[G5052]

Yes, just RSVP with what works for you, and I wouldn't over-think it at all. Speculating how this came about isn't really necessary. You don't have to attend every wedding you receive an invitation for.

 

We were invited to a close family member's wedding some years ago and declined. It was a destination wedding that would have cost over $1000 in just plane fare per person to attend, and no way could we all come and stay in a hotel in a very expensive area, eat, etc. etc.. The timing wasn't good for us either. So we declined with a quick note "sorry we can't come" and sent a gift from their list. As it turned out, only *one* family member made it, and he took a crack-of-dawn flight, went to the wedding, and then flew home on the red eye So we didn't feel too bad in the end.

[Lisbeth]

 

 

An explanation is never required with an RSVP. :-)

Yes, I meant if family comes out of the woidwork asking why. I would not explain. No is a complete sentence and all of that jazz. What works best for me is a stare, and uncomfortable (for them) silence, and then bean dip. ;)

[Jean in Newcastle]

I can't find the post now to quote it but someone up thread said to not overthink it. I think that is the best advice. Drama comes from overthinking things.