What causes people to differ in their degrees of emotional sensitivity?

[RoughCollie]

I've been wondering about what factors into people being more or less emotionally sensitive in certain situations. What do you think?

 

Case #1. A famous person dies, and it is someone whose books, music,acting, politics, etc. I have enjoyed very much over a long period of time. I think it is regretful and sad that the person died, mostly because they won't be writing any more books (or whatever) for me to enjoy. I don't know them, so I'm not emotionally invested in them.

 

Other people I know will get very sad and cry over the person's death. I don't understand that. Note that these are cases in which the emotional person did NOT identify closely with the situation at hand, or at least I can't see any reason for them to have done so.

 

Case #2. This example is from real online life, but you can substitute any issue for the one at hand, like capital punishment. Person A says that debarking a dog is barbaric, cruel and murderous under all circumstances, as part of a general, multi-person online discussion about debarking. Person A did not insult anyone. Person B is very angry and hurt because she has been insulted and put in the "cruel, murderous, barbaric" box, and has ended her participated in the group. Person B has a debarked dog.

 

I think Person A is being way too sensitive. I cannot understand why she is taking someone else's opinion personally. I am stopping myself from jumping into the fray because what I want to say, in essence, is that Person A needs to take a step back and realize that just because someone has a different opinion doesn't mean they are insulting her. Everyone else is asking Person A not to leave the group ... but I don't care about that part.

 

However, I would probably end up insulting Person A in a different way, if I say she is being too sensitive. I mean, I do not give a rat's behind if someone doesn't agree with me about something I've decided to do. Heck, I live with four males who think that neutering a dog is cruel and barbaric, yet our dog is neutered.

 

Case #3. I have a friend who I bumped down to acquaintance level on January 1 because she is a control freak who is strident about voicing her opinions about things that are none of her business, and then gets mad when her friends don't do what she thinks they should. She does this with all of her friends, including me, but I am the only one who stands up for herself. So I told her to stop butting her nose into my business, and that if I want her opinion, I'll ask for it.

 

She replied, "I am what I am, and so are you. I guess this ends our friendship."

 

Well, that was fine with me. It's a short walk from her being an acquaintance to her being not a friend. I'm not hurt, sad, mad, or anything. In fact, I'm glad that I did not have to end the relationship and hurt her feelings. She did it for me!

 

She is still making overtures to me. She sent me a recipe. She heard from another friend via small town gossip that I had a problem with my dog, and she offered to help me with it. I am a polite person, so I thanked her for the recipe, and I told her that I have the problem with my dog well in hand and thanked her for her offer. Then she invited me to breakfast and to a dog show (2 separate events) through a mutual friend. Since she didn't ask me directly, I feel no compunction to reply personally.

 

A mutual friend is trying to get us to all be friends again. I said no way. My former friend has not acknowledged doing anything wrong, and doesn't intend to even try to change the way she deals with people. I said that if her other friends want to continue to have their feelings hurt by her mean remarks and to not stand up for themselves, that is their problem. But I'm not getting involved in this again.

 

Okay, so I'm fine with all this, and unemotional about it. I've told our mutual friends that I am not ever again going to function as the shoulder they cry on when my former friend/acquaintance hurts their feelings, because that is enabling them. I mean, this woman is actually verbally abusive, publically and privately, to the very sensitive people who are her friends. The more sensitive the person, the more abusive she is. Or maybe the more sensitive people take what she says more personally.

 

Anyway, my former friend/acquaintance seems to be trying to rekindle our relationship, which may mean she has feelings of sadness that it has ended. I don't get this at all. This woman has the emotional sensitivity of a gnat. I figure this has something to do with either her pride or her controlling nature. Our mutual friends think I am insensitive in this situation, but I like being that way and I don't intend to bend.

 

So, what is "too sensitive", what makes people take things personally during what I think of as an academic (IOW unemotional) discussion, and what causes it? Is the difference between what seems to me to be overly sensitive and my being either less emotional or not emotional at all, merely a difference in personality traits?

 

Thanks for your opinion! You will not be castigated for it, and I will not feel angry, hurt, or insulted! I view this as an academic discussion.

 

RC

[Remudamom]

Who cares! :laugh: :leaving:

 

Sorry, couldn't resist!

[Dandelion]

I think there's so much that factors into this that it's difficult to answer succinctly.

 

People have varying degrees of sensitivity due to their personality type, their temperament, their "lens" (e.g. a topic that barely registers emotion for one person is highly charged for another because of past experiences, viewpoints, etc.), their self-esteem, the degree to which they need validation from others, etc. IMO it's not just one thing that influences peoples' sensitivity level and reactions - it's a multitude of factors, and those factors can change with each new situation.

 

I don't think there's a *right level* of sensitivity. I do think there's a right way, generally speaking, to manage your sensitivity and reactions to others.

[justamouse]

case #1 I have a hard time crying over people I don't know personally, though I am saddened by anyone's death.

 

case #2, the words 'cruel, murderous, and barbaric' are what brought that person's opinion into a moral judgement. I can see why the person was offended.

 

case #3 the person was being childish in not being friends anymore.

 

Most of the time, people have unseen bruises that they react to. Combine that with moral judgments being made on matters of opinion and moral relativism, and you have one big stew of miscommunication. Insults abound.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Case #1 - I don't really get it either, other than the fact that these people think they "know" the person through their work.

 

Case #2 - I think you mean that Person B is way too sensitive. Honestly I'm insensitive enough to think that if he/she is getting their panties in a twist over an online discussion, that they should leave at least for a cool off time. But I do think that Person A should say that the "practice" of debarking is ____, _____, _____ instead of the people who debark their dogs are ________, ___________, _______________. Because that leaves open the discussion for talking about what the pros and cons might actually be.

 

Case #3 - I would probably be sucked back in again but not because that is necessarily healthy.

[Joanne]

Genetics and current environment and childhood history.

[RoughCollie]

ROFLMAO, Remudamom.

 

Hey, I'm just tired of wondering about this. Once I get an answer I can live with, all wondering will cease because I'll just stick these matters of this type into that compartment in my brain.

[Onceuponatime]

Case 1: Most of the time I would agree with you, I think there is all too much celebrity worship. That said, I am still not over the death of John Denver. I cry every time I hear one of his songs. I also know it is irrational, but the tears come unbidden.

 

Case 2: I try to stay far away from other people's drama. I prefer to keep most of my controversial opinions to myself and I let other people give opinions without engaging in arguments that I know will not be productive.

 

Case 3: See Case 2.

 

I come from a family of stoics. I bury my emotions as deeply as possible, but sometimes they come flooding out. When that happens, I usually blame it on stress or hormones.

 

My sister-in-law is the sweetest person and can cry at the drop of a hat. She doesn't understand reserve, but she loves us anyway. I do think part is genetic, part is upbringing.

[RoughCollie]

 

Case #3 - I would probably be sucked back in again but not because that is necessarily healthy.

 

 

Well, I'm enjoying sitting back and watching the game without participating in it except where it would be rude not to respond. I think the situation is amusing. Kind of like watching someone be hoisted on her own petard.

 

Maybe this is cruel or insensitive of me, but I don't care. I took a test to see if I'm a psychopath (after reading about it in Scientific American Mind), and I'm nowhere near that. Which is a shame, because some characteristics of psychopaths, in moderation, can be beneficial.

[LaxMom]

Genetics and current environment and childhood history.

 

I agree. I think some people's nervous system is geared to higher reaction - and thus more emotionality - than others'. Unrelated stress also ramps up the physical aspect of response.

 

Add into that "triggers" from experience, or topics that inspire great empathy, and people react to discussions the rest of us may consider academic with great passion.

[RoughCollie]

Genetics and current environment and childhood history.

 

 

I'd add training. In my profession, one is trained to compartmentalize so one doesn't get overly emotionally involved. Most people are not emotionally involved at all, but there is a narrow place for that, IMO.

[RoughCollie]

Case 1: Most of the time I would agree with you, I think there is all too much celebrity worship. That said, I am still not over the death of John Denver. I cry every time I hear one of his songs. I also know it is irrational, but the tears come unbidden.

 

Now that, I understand. You loved his music, his death was premature and tragic, and music is something that brings emotions to the forefront.

 

Case 2: I try to stay far away from other people's drama. I prefer to keep most of my controversial opinions to myself and I let other people give opinions without engaging in arguments that I know will not be productive.

 

I am the same way. I hate arguing, even in a discussion sort of way. Usually if someone asks, I'll state my opinion, but I won't discuss it unless there is wiggle room for me to change my mind. This is often because the people involved (including me) often don't know enough accurate information to have a meaningful discussion. In this particular case, I want to jump into the fray (but won't) because I think it is so dumb for that person to leave the only place that has high traffic dedicated to our dog breed just because they feel insulted. I'm also slightly irritated by people who take their ball and go home because someone didn't throw it properly enough to suit them.

 

Case 3: See Case 2.

 

I come from a family of stoics. I bury my emotions as deeply as possible, but sometimes they come flooding out. When that happens, I usually blame it on stress or hormones.

 

My sister-in-law is the sweetest person and can cry at the drop of a hat. She doesn't understand reserve, but she loves us anyway. I do think part is genetic, part is upbringing.

 

I'm stoic, too. Doesn't mean I have no feelings, but I generally get on with it instead of dripping all over the place. I had a friend who cried at the drop of a hat. I used tell her I invited her over whenever my kitchen floor needed to be washed. Thankfully, she laughed at that, instead of crying.

 

[RoughCollie]

Add into that "triggers" from experience, or topics that inspire great empathy, and people react to discussions the rest of us may consider academic with great passion.

 

 

Yeah, even I have topics which I talk about with great passion -- usually when I believe an injustic has taken place and someone is being beaten up verbally.

[RoughCollie]

I don't think there's a *right level* of sensitivity. I do think there's a right way, generally speaking, to manage your sensitivity and reactions to others.

 

Online, I manage my sensitivity (or lack thereof) by typing posts and then not posting them. Or I give myself a cooling-off period and ultimately decide that responding is a waste of time.

 

IRL, people think I am sensitive to them because I listen and accept their feelings without judgment. I don't try to solve their problems becasue I am not a therapist and I don't play one on TV. Besides, I find out a lot of stuff about people that way, and I just stick it in their file in my brain. I like knowing things about people.

 

But I'm not all that sensitive. A person can have a terrible childhood and murder someone, and all of my sympathies lie with the victim, for example.

[Onceuponatime]

 

IRL, people think I am sensitive to them because I listen and accept their feelings without judgment.

 

 

This happens to me too. The problem is when they think you are agreeing with them by not expressing an opinion!

[RoughCollie]

Most of the time, people have unseen bruises that they react to. Combine that with moral judgments being made on matters of opinion and moral relativism, and you have one big stew of miscommunication. Insults abound.

 

I try really hard not to hurt people's feelings. That means I don't kick people when they are down, at least on purpose. It doesn't mean that I don't stand up for myself just because someone's feelings might get hurt. Or that when someone is super-sensitive about a topic and I don't know it, that I take back what I said when it didn't pertain to them in the first place. I have opinions about particular things and about things in general, and I make it clear when I'm talking about a topic in general.

[RoughCollie]

 

 

This happens to me too. The problem is when they think you are agreeing with them by not expressing an opinion!

 

 

I let them think whatever they please, figuring it's no skin off my nose. I say what I mean, and I mean what I say. I am not a big fan of reading between the lines, and if someone else is, and gets it wrong, too bad, so sad. I will correct them if I find out about it. If I want to know something, instead of surmising, I ask.

[sassenach]

I think it's all about insecurity. I have crocodile skin. It is REALLY hard to hurt me. Not so hard to make me annoyed or angry, but I can't remember the last time a friend actually hurt me. However, if somebody hits on an area of insecurity (and dh has the most potential to accidentally do that), I can get silly hurt over something pretty small.

 

But for the most part, I think I'm a pretty secure person. I know who I am in Christ, and because of that I am freed up from most of my fear of man issues. IMHO, people who are easily hurt are people who perform and pretend. They live from the place of performing for people (approval through their accomplishments/intelligence/abilities) or pretending (hiding their true selves, making decisions based on what they see as the thing that will earn them approval). Most of our idols are born out of the desire for security, comfort, or approval. I think overly sensitive individuals are those whose approval idols are being knocked down.

[LaxMom]

 

 

Well, I'm enjoying sitting back and watching the game without participating in it except where it would be rude not to respond. I think the situation is amusing. Kind of like watching someone be hoisted on her own petard.

 

Maybe this is cruel or insensitive of me, but I don't care. I took a test to see if I'm a psychopath (after reading about it in Scientific American Mind), and I'm nowhere near that. Which is a shame, because some characteristics of psychopaths, in moderation, can be beneficial.

 

I do that, too. Once I disengage, I'm really just watching as a spectator. Stand, sit, quietly applaud as necessary - think Wimbledon - but that's it.

[Dandelion]

Online, I manage my sensitivity (or lack thereof) by typing posts and then not posting them. Or I give myself a cooling-off period and ultimately decide that responding is a waste of time.

 

IRL, people think I am sensitive to them because I listen and accept their feelings without judgment. I don't try to solve their problems becasue I am not a therapist and I don't play one on TV. Besides, I find out a lot of stuff about people that way, and I just stick it in their file in my brain.

 

 

Both great approaches (I do the same). :)

 

I think another thing that plays into this is our societal obsession with sharing every thought and feeling for the world to see. Facebook, Twitter, etc. have given people a platform to share their thoughts with the world the instant they occur. Before we had social networks, there was often a delay between someone's reaction to an issue and their ability to share it. The cooling-off period was built in because you weren't able to blast your thoughts to everyone in your network at the push of a button. People are filtering less and less as they try to keep up with the level of sharing (IMO often over-sharing) that's happening on their favorite social networks. And I think this is spilling over into real-life interactions as well.

 

So while there have always been highly sensitive, emotional people, we haven't always had the level of societal acceptance and even encouragement that we have now for putting your sensitivities and emotions on display.

[DragonFaerie]

I think there might be a level of expectation, too, particularly in situations involving friends and relationships. For example, I had two really close friends growing up. When A would neglect to return a phone call, for example, I would get my feelings hurt. But when B would not call me back, I blew it off because B was just "like that." In that case, the same situation elicited different responses because I expected more of A than I did of B.

[RoughCollie]

IMHO, people who are easily hurt are people who perform and pretend.

 

Maybe so. This brings to mind two women I know who are really tough nuts to crack. One of them became a very close friend of mine when I told her to knock it off, I knew she felt X about something, instead of not caring. She was astonished that I could see through her, and I'm glad, because she was one of the best people I've ever known. *Was* because she died 20 years ago of a brain tumor. So this woman was tough on the outside, but tender on the inside. Not too tender, but enough to make her human and not cruel at all. Some people were afraid of her, but that is mostly because they were wimps.

 

The other one is Case #3. I tried to get past her hard shell of meanness, and there was nothing in there that she would admit to. If there is, it is well hidden, and I'm not being paid to be her therapist.

 

Now me, I feel tough and strong. I am the same person all the time, wherever I am, and whomever I am with. No one is going to run over me because I refuse to be a victim. It is really easy for me to intimidate people, but I only do it when it is absolutely necessary because it scares people. Some people need scaring; most don't. When they do, I'd rather scare them than shoot them, but only because I don't want to go to prison. That last sentence is said jokingly, btw.

[fairfarmhand]

Interesting topic. I will respond later, but I am on my dd's miini laptop, and typing is cumbersome. I will give it some thought and come back when I can put in a good resopnse that's not full of errrors.

[Word Nerd]

I don't believe you have to know someone to be sad or cry when they die. I have cried in that scenario in certain instances before and don't see why anyone else would care. (I also do so in a private manner, not drawing attention to myself, and rarely does anyone else even know.) I cry rather easily in general and am moved to tears by books, movies, and other things that touch me for various reasons. I don't know why. It's just part of who I am and my personality. It's annoying sometimes, but it is what it is. I am not quick-tempered or easily hurt or offended, though. For me, your first example of emotional sensitivity is not the same type as the other two.

[Parrothead]

I also think the way society has allowed us to go with our feelings of late has a lot to do with it. Instead of having to learn to control our emotions until we are in private we have been allowed to let them hang out all over society.

 

So in your situation #1 the person was saddened by the death of So-and-So lets everyone know about her feelings instead of mourning privately. I also think the public display is a way to receive attention. The whole "me generation" thing.

 

In your second scenario the "me generation" strikes again. It is all about me. Whatever someone says is internalized when it was never meant to be. Person A probably had no idea that Person B was a party to debarking. Betcha Person A knows now. Person B should have logically countered Person A's argument in a non-emotional way. But since she internalized, made it all about her, Person A can add "crazy nut jobs" to her description of people who debark their dogs.

 

Also again, the "me generation" hits in scenario 3. "I'm who I am and I won't change for anyone but I can't stand it if I'm no longer even on the peripheral of your attention. I'd prefer to be the center of attention but I'll settle for simple acknowledgement." When in reality if this person had realized her social mistake of being an a$$ she would most likely still have the friendship intact.

 

So I blame it all on the Me, Me, Me, Me mentality so prevalent today.

[RoughCollie]

I don't believe you have to know someone to be sad or cry when they die. I have cried in that scenario in certain instances before and don't see why anyone else would care.

 

I don't see why anyone else would care whether you cry easily or not. I don't cry easily, and I'm trying to understand (1) does this mean I am too insensitive, and (2) what factors control the varying degrees of emotional sensitivity people have in response to three types of stimuli.

 

The rest of you can cry as much as you like, and it's fine with me. Please don't PM me about how grateful you are for this! :D

 

I react emotionally to sad situations people I don't know find themselves in when either I have experienced a similar situation or when I can imagine the same horrible thing happening to me. So the triggering factors are that I identify with the person or I am afraid of the same thing happening to me (or I can see it happening to me in my imagination). None of these people are famous, though.

 

I don't see myself as being what others would describe as a warm person, but I'm no cold fish either. Hmmm.... I think I'll ask people I know IRL where they see me on the warm/cold continuum. I'll guess they'll mostly say warm, because I attract people (strangers, too) who confide in me for no reason that I can see.

[Jean in Newcastle]

RC - you are not too insensitive. You care. You just don't show your caring in tears. You show it in very practical ways - like supporting me for the last few years in my drive to get healthier.

[LaughingCat]

As far as factors go, I cry much more easily at certain times of the month :leaving:

[Jean in Newcastle]

I cry but it isn't often due to emotional sensitivity. I most often cry due to anger and frustration.

[Retired]

interesting question from personal history - my mom is one that cries over anyone hurt or distressed - yes she cries when listening to the news, movies. She doesn't seperate from people she knows to strangers. She is very sensitive.

 

Then she had me a person that compartmenlizes. I don't cry at funerals or much of anything unless allow myself. I couldn't do my job if I was senstive about everything. I remember several ladies in nursing school that quit because they just couldn't handle or seperate their emotions from others pain

 

My mom says I'm just cold harded but the other nurses I work with say I'm the most caring nurse they work with. I do care so much about my patients i get mad because so many of them are from bad choices. When I was a younger nurse I would just "shut down" after work. I'm still like that after a bad shift. I don't want to talk or see anyone. I think for me is "caring for my patients" more than they care for themselves. I know some folks think i'm uncaring or mean but they just haven't seen all the self destruction I've seen.

 

I have a sister that takes everything personal and upsets easily. She takes everything as somone is against her. Paranoid pain in the a$$

 

I grew up with my mom and sister as total IMO emotional drama queens. I've always been the "strong one"

 

Now my moms childhood was terrible abuse so I always figure her personailty results from no one caring about her so she projects caring to all

My sister was the middle child and never thought she got enough attention. ( I was the oldest and raised her and my brother do the moms/dad mental issues)

 

So I don't know what part is genetic or enviromental. I remember wanting to cry a lot as a child but tough up and realized that my parents weren't going to be any better so I "grew" up.

[Mom-ninja.]

Personality....in other words the way your brain is wired and the genetics you have. There are other factors but that's the gist of it.

[Laura Corin]

Personality type. I tend to analyse before I react. It's not something I try to do, it's just something I do. On the other hand, I'm a cuddly Mum who is also verbally demonstrative.

 

Recently, tears come to my eyes very easily - poetry can do it, talking about a tale of heroism, lots of things. But it feels as if it comes from a different place - maybe a sign of hormonal changes.

 

Laura

[RoughCollie]

RC - you are not too insensitive. You care. You just don't show your caring in tears. You show it in very practical ways - like supporting me for the last few years in my drive to get healthier.

 

 

Hey! IIRC, you refer to my "support" as nagging! Thank you for encouraging me! I'll do it more. Do not eat grains today, no matter what. And don't blame me for it, Slick! :toetap05: (Like that smilie/emoticon? Her name is Jean.)

[Jean in Newcastle]

Hey! IIRC, you refer to my "support" as nagging! Thank you for encouraging me! I'll do it more. Do not eat grains today, no matter what. And don't blame me for it, Slick! :toetap05: (Like that smilie/emoticon? Her name is Jean.)

 

 

I know you love me when you nag me. But that doesn't mean I'll listen to it. La-la-la-la, I can't hear you! And no grains have touched my lips since Monday.

[Heather in Neverland]

 

 

I'd add training. In my profession, one is trained to compartmentalize so one doesn't get overly emotionally involved. Most people are not emotionally involved at all, but there is a narrow place for that, IMO.

 

 

This explains me. I compartmentalize and it is common for our family. My grandmother had a very hard life and so did her 12 children. But they were taught not to be whiny or complain about it. Not to get overly dramatic.

 

My mom has always told me I act just like her. I am a no-nonsense gal. I rarely cry or get emotionally distraught over things. When my kids start acting melodramatic, I call them on it and remind them to keep things in perspective.

 

Example. A few days ago my oldest was complaining about all the work he had to do at school that week. He has a tendency to blow things out of proportion. He said, in an exasperated voice implying that I didn't understand his predicament, "I've got 50 tests this week!" And I said, "No, you are using hyperbole for dramatic effect. You only have two tests this week. How about if you and I work out a reasonable study plan for tackling them and then you won't have to exert all that energy in being dramatic?"

 

I don't do drama well and have a hard time beng good friends with someone who is super sensitive about everything. It's too exhausting.

[Big Buckin' Longhorn]

I think I must be insane.

 

I don't cry at funerals or really in any situation regarding people. I dont cry when I'm sad or mad. Actually, i rarely get sad or mad. I'm just . . . Here. I'm pretty unemotional.

 

Now I do cry easily and often at any sad event involving animals. I tear up when I see animals dead in the road, when I see animals in cages at the zoo, I can barely watch any shows on Animal Planet. I don't really like animals more than people, but I know I come off that way. Animals make me emotional.

 

Oh, well.

 

[Word Nerd]

I do think there's a right way, generally speaking, to manage your sensitivity and reactions to others.

 

:iagree:

 

"Emotionally sensitive" does not equate to "drama queen." An emotionally sensitive person can react positively or negatively to that inclination and behave appropriately or inappropriately, just as a less emotionally sensitive person can.

[Crimson Wife]

My mom's family are WASP's while my dad's family are Irish Catholics. My mom's family is very buttoned up when it comes to their emotions, while my dad's family is the complete opposite. So I do think cultural expectations about emotional expression play a large role.

[elegantlion]

I am an overly sensitive person. I cry at sappy commercials,I am a textbook "sensitive person". If I try to turn it off I can come across as cold and b*tchy. I can temper it at most times and now how to control myself to some extent. I've always been this way.

 

Ds, otoh, is very stoic. He's very caring and loving, he processes without being too emotional. I've seen him cry about 3 times in his life.

[texasmama]

Genetics and current environment and childhood history.

Yeah this. Also, being sensitive is a personality trait, not a character flaw. (Not referring to any of your scenarios here - just a general statement.) I often hear people being referred to as "overly sensitive", which typically means that the person has more feelings about something than the person who is giving the label. The world needs both feelers and thinkers, as well as people who fall on every part of that spectrum. Also, I cried when Erma Bombeck and Ignatio Ponseti died. Reading Erma Bombeck books got me through a very hard time in my life. It was the humor and the joy I found at the time. Ignatio Ponseti was the man who discovered the method of non surgical clubfoot treatment which helped my youngest child. He casted her feet when she was three months old. I owe a debt of gratitude to this man who worked on a scientific discovery until he perfected it. My daughter's life is forever positively changed as a result. (He was also a very sweet and gentle man who loved babies. :) )

[LaughingCat]

I personally use "overly sensitive" for people who take offense easily not for people who cry easily. The #2 scenario is closest, except you can kinda "get" why someone is offended by being declared "murderous" - they just took the offense way to far. But what I mean by overly sensitive is that person on steroids - blowing minor things out of context and then making a big fuss until placated.

 

FWIW, I don't read the #3 description as overly emotional at all - I read that as the person not taking their own "ends our friendship" comment seriously. So where you think the relationship is over and they're trying to rekindle it, I would guess they think they just made a throwaway comment in the midst of a discussion and you'll get over being mad at them eventually and go back to being friends.