astrid Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 Alrighty..... here goes. Molly had an acquaintance from first grade through middle school with whom she was friendly, but not BFF's. Girl was kind of a spoiled brat youngest child and became a bit of a "mean girl" by middle school. The summer after 8th grade, her parents sold their house in town and bought a house in a neighboring, much more affluent town so that "Kate" could go to the "better" high school and have "better friends, who aren't POOR!" Well, "Kate" spent a year at the "good" school and now attends the technical high school in a very working-class town. I was friendly with "Kate's" mom as we had kids the same age and in the band, etc. We were in the same circle of mom friends, and were friendly enough. I also served with her on a few volunteer committees in town and was her oldest daughter's 7th grade English teacher. They moved out of town specifically to keep their daughter sheltered and away from "bad influences" in our little working-class town. Mom and Dad made lots of public noise about how they couldn't wait to leave, how awful our town's kids are, etc. Dad, especially, was pretty condescending and rude about it. So that left a bit of a sour taste in the mouths of our circle of moms, myself included. Flash foward to now-- "Kate" and Molly are high school sophomores. Both have Instagram accounts, though Molly is never on hers and if she is, she posts silly pictures of the dogs or her cat. Last week Molly came to me and showed me some pretty shocking posts of "Kate's." All show her engaged in serious drinking-- Absolut bottles, etc. Some show her with marijuana, joints, etc. and actively smoking. Lots of comments about both the drugs and the booze, etc. Pretty shocking stuff, and I"m not easy to shock by any means. I FEEL like I should bring it to the mom's attention. If it were MY kid, I'd want to know. But it's a hard thing, you know? Molly took screen shots of "Kate's" instagram posts and texted them to me, so I do have proof and I know it's not just heresay. It also seems like it's pretty frequent, if not daily. Today's picture was of her holding a HUGE pot bud, shaped kind of like a Christmas tree, that said, "Merry Christmas to me!" I feel weird calling out of the blue, you know? And what if she already knows? Ugh. I don't know why I"m so conflicted about this. The kid made it all public so it's not like she's trying to hide any of it. So.....would you call mom? Or let it go? Or do something else? I'm turning over possibilities in my mind and just wanted some input. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 :grouphug: I would like to think that in your shoes I would call and/or email the mom the photos, hard as it would be, and let the chips fall where they may. It's not like you risk destroying a friendship over it, since they're not really part of your lives. But I don't know if I'd be brave enough to do it in real life. I hope I would. I would want/need to know if it was my daughter. I wonder if the girl had already started down the wrong road before they moved, and that's why they moved in the first place and were so vocal about "bad influences." Pure speculation, of course. :grouphug: again. It can't be easy for you or your dd to see someone you've cared about caught up in such self-destructive behavior so young. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jillian Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 I too would want to know. I don't know though about saying anything though, it's a tough spot. I see it as the mom would back up her kid even with irrefutable proof. I know I'm not help I'm sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tammyw Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 I would want to know. What a tough situation to have to deal with :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8circles Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 IMO it is your responsibility to tell. How? I don't know. Best of luck. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 I would want to know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ondreeuh Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 I would let the mom know that her daughter's instagram account is public, and that there is stuff on there that could potentially get her daughter into trouble. Tell her you just wanted to make sure she is aware of it, and that you won't share it with anyone else. Let her know that it was difficult to tell her because you don't want to get into her family's business, but you thought it was something she would want to know. Give her the link, then let her do the rest. We had a situation a few years ago where a kid I didn't know (who went to my dd's school) created a facebook page to bully a teacher. I called up the mom to give her a head's up that her kid had created a page that could get him in trouble, and said I wanted her to get a chance to deal with it before the school did. She was grateful. It's not tattling if you are genuinely concerned for someone's welfare. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 I'd rat her out so fast her head would spin. How the parents react is on them. Doing the right thing is all you can do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 I would call, using the "if this were my dd, I would want to know" line. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 Astrid, I had a friend who did step out and shine the light on the drugs, etc., at first just speaking quietly to the adults, and later sharing the screenshots for proof...and she lost every friend she had in that town. Because it turned out to be the culture among all the kids except her kid, basically, and the adults did not appreciate having it brought into the light. The parents, teachers, coaches, etc. were looking the other way and trying to ignore it. Still, my friend did not regret it. She had one thought that sustained her, and that was, "A good parent would want to know." And she and her family moved away from the only home her kids had ever known. It was very, very hard on them all. Worst of all, the drug culture had rubbed off on one of her children far more than she knew at the time. So I guess that's the worst case scenario, being blackballed by an entire community and then finding out your own kid had been sucked into it. But I'm sure my friend was right that good parents would want to know. I've thought about her story often over the last few years, and decided what to do if this ever happened to me. I decided I would email the screenshots to the parents with no comment but this: "Dear Mom of _____, if she were my daughter I'd want to know, signed Mom of _____." And then not bring it up to the friend or the mom when I saw them. But then there's one more thing that my friend was dealing with, and that was the realization that the young people were dragging even younger kids into it. Once she figured that out, she felt she had to go to the police when the parents didn't do anything about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 If you don't want to be involved to the point that you don't want the parents to turn against you, yet you want to bring these photos to their attention. Set up a free email with no identifying info (name John Doe) then send the photos via that email. The parents will get the info they need and can deal or not as they see fit. Yet you (and Molly) are not seen as the bad guys. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ohdanigirl Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 As a parent, I would want to know if "kate" were my child. I also recognize that being in your shoes is very difficult. Based on this couples previous behavior, they may react very negatively. They may even want to shoot the messenger. Depending on how comfortable you are with the possible fall out, I might consider printing the screen shots and mailing/emailing to the parents with an anonymous note. I know many may not agree. The way I see it, the parents need to know. You and your children should not have to suffer because of it. ETA: Parrothead, looks like we were posting at the same time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 I agree with everyone. You should inform the parents in some way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trilliums Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 I would let the mom know that her daughter's instagram account is public, and that there is stuff on there that could potentially get her daughter into trouble. I think this is an excellent approach. You do not have to specifically mention the content. I would also try to be as brief as possible with the mom. Good luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 I think a lot of people say "they would want to know" and then when given the evidence "shoot the messenger." I actually wonder if anyone really wants to know. Maybe they just hope if their child is involved in stuff it will just be a phase that they get through like 90% of children who do inappropriate activities as teens. A lot parents did these same things and made it to productive adulthood without longterm effects. However, after something catastrophic happens, the parents always say they wish they had known. They say they wish someone had told them. Based on the behavior of a lot of parents, in reality if they were confronted with the problem before catastrophe they may not have done something. Then, they go to they had "recently learned of a problem, but didn't know how bad it was." A couple of years ago there was a parent meeting at my ds's public high school. It was about depression and suicide. Someone brought up that her dd had shown her very concerning fb posts of a student at another school. The mother sent the posts to the guidance counselor at the other school. The mother didn't know the other parent. Her dd didn't want to be named as someone who told on her friend. So, this was the anonymous way the mother decided to get someone involved. Now my district was on high alert about suicide at the time, so there was follow up. I wonder if you could do a similar thing with the instagram pics and inform someone at school. Since drugs are involved that would open a huge can of worms. At the same time pictures of drugs and alcohol actually cannot prove possession legally, but the school may have other standards they follow. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest inoubliable Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 I decided I would email the screenshots to the parents with no comment but this: "Dear Mom of _____, if she were my daughter I'd want to know, signed Mom of _____." And then not bring it up to the friend or the mom when I saw them. Set up a free email with no identifying info (name John Doe) then send the photos via that email. The parents will get the info they need and can deal or not as they see fit. Yet you (and Molly) are not seen as the bad guys. That is exactly what I would do. Free and anonymous email account, with the photos attached. Exception to the bold would be to omit "Mom of _____". I'd sign it simply, "A Concerned Neighbor". Let the parents deal with it as they will. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMV Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 As a mom I would want to know if my child was involved in risky behavior. For this reason, I also feel I have some responsibility to share with other parents if I have some concrete/objective evidence that their child/children are involved in something that could be unsafe. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted December 29, 2012 Share Posted December 29, 2012 How awful. I'm betting she already knows, and that's why they moved. She's already mentioned bad influences--how would they know of that unless they had experienced it already? And for those of you who say it's early, let me tell ya--it was 12yo here. Shocking. But not terribly unusual. But I'd tell her, anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhaddon Posted December 29, 2012 Share Posted December 29, 2012 more than yourself I would worry about the backlash that will come back to your daughter. As an adult I know you could handle it, but even if you say you found it- it will come raining down on your daughter. I would make anonymous for that reason alone :hugs: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
astrid Posted December 29, 2012 Author Share Posted December 29, 2012 more than yourself I would worry about the backlash that will come back to your daughter. As an adult I know you could handle it, but even if you say you found it- it will come raining down on your daughter. I would make anonymous for that reason alone :hugs: Yes, that's part of my hesitance. They don't run in the same circles, and really were not more than acquaintances, but I'd definitely do it anonymously if at all possible. The dad is the one who kind of gives me pause-- he's really a jerk. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted December 29, 2012 Share Posted December 29, 2012 I would find a way to tell but don't think it could be anonymous. I delete all emails if I don't know who they're from, especially the ones with pics or links. I wouldn't assume they would ever read the email unless they know who sent it, so I wouldn't feel like I had really done all I could do. I *think* I would either call or email them the information for the account and tell them I saw some things that I feel they should see. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted December 29, 2012 Share Posted December 29, 2012 What about printing and mailing the screen shots? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted December 29, 2012 Share Posted December 29, 2012 What about printing and mailing the screen shots? If you want to stay anonymous, I think this would be best. I also think it would freak me out as a parent to receive something like that anonymously in the mail and hopefully it would make them think more about what she's doing and who's seeing it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elizabeth Posted December 29, 2012 Share Posted December 29, 2012 Yes, that's part of my hesitance. They don't run in the same circles, and really were not more than acquaintances, but I'd definitely do it anonymously if at all possible. The dad is the one who kind of gives me pause-- he's really a jerk. And there may be a reason she is acting out. Tough call here. Send the information to her mother anonymously and hope for the best. That young lady could be in harm's way of this progressing as she grows older. You might be saving her life. Teens and drinking are a lethal mix. There are no good choices but doing nothing is not acceptable. What a terrible situation for all involved. Personally I think it is beyond brave to step forward with the information with the hope that in so doing you are protecting this girl from herself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted December 29, 2012 Share Posted December 29, 2012 Since the girl is engaging in not only inappropriate, but illegal activities and bragging about it publicly, I would most definitely notify the parents because this can have huge repercussions fro college/employment and can potentially cause trouble for the parents as well. I just saw that you do not feel comfortable doing this in person; in that case, is there clergy or a guidance counselor whom you could call? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer3141 Posted December 29, 2012 Share Posted December 29, 2012 What about printing and mailing the screen shots? I would do this. You make it sound like the kids and the adults spin in different social circles. Different social circles have different rules. This may be totally normal for these people. Or it may not be. By sending the stuff anonymously, it's out of your hands. You've informed but kept youself and your DD free from any social repercussions. Best of all worlds in this situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted December 29, 2012 Share Posted December 29, 2012 So.....would you call mom? Or let it go? Or do something else? I'm turning over possibilities in my mind and just wanted some input. Absolutely, her parents need to know, before something worse happens. You could just email them, if you have her address, stating that you personally would want to know so you thought she would want to know what her daughter is posting online. I definitely would want to know! Ridiculous that she thinks this is less likely in an affluent area. The affluent kids have more money for drugs and alcohol, and usually more access. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted December 29, 2012 Share Posted December 29, 2012 Astrid, I had a friend who did step out and shine the light on the drugs, etc., at first just speaking quietly to the adults, and later sharing the screenshots for proof...and she lost every friend she had in that town. Because it turned out to be the culture among all the kids except her kid, basically, and the adults did not appreciate having it brought into the light. The parents, teachers, coaches, etc. were looking the other way and trying to ignore it. Still, my friend did not regret it. She had one thought that sustained her, and that was, "A good parent would want to know." And she and her family moved away from the only home her kids had ever known. It was very, very hard on them all. Worst of all, the drug culture had rubbed off on one of her children far more than she knew at the time. So I guess that's the worst case scenario, being blackballed by an entire community and then finding out your own kid had been sucked into it. But I'm sure my friend was right that good parents would want to know. This is the nightmare situation you hope isn't true. That the parents already know and are fine with it, so long as she does it with the "good kids". Ugh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
misty.warden Posted December 29, 2012 Share Posted December 29, 2012 The least I would do would be to report the account to Instagram, underage users posting illegal activities at least get the account suspended, however they may track her ISP and involve the police (but if anyone else reports it that may happen too) so telling her mom it's going on and her daughter could be in for police involvement before they show up at her door might be a good idea. Personally I could care less if my family is shunned by people who think a culture of secrecy regarding illegal activities should be preserved. Those people are not my friends and protecting them endangers their children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted December 29, 2012 Share Posted December 29, 2012 I would make the parents aware of the Instagram account and just send an email with a link or attach screenshots. I think printing and mailing photos anonymously is a bad idea and would be creepy as heck to receive in the mail. I'd be afraid my DD had a stalker and may even call the police. I wouldn't think it was a concerned parent who sent them, as I would not expect the parents I know to be afraid of identifying themselves. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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