MommaOfalotta Posted October 21, 2012 Share Posted October 21, 2012 PLEASE do not quote, I will be deleting this later. I have an 11 week old baby boy. After having him, I had a ton of complications.. one was post partum depression. Only, it wasn't what I imagined PPD to be like. I wasn't sad all of the time, I had no trouble bonding with my son at all. I just had this horrible, crushing despair over not being pregnant anymore. Almost an obsession. I tried Zoloft for a while and ended up weaning myself off, under Drs. supervision. Im 100% fine now.. until I think about it. Its still like a hole in my chest. Im totally fine as long as Im not thinking about it. But when I see my Doctor, or pass his office, Im an emotional wreck. I miss him and my appointments, I miss the hospital and my nurses, I miss every.single.thing. about being pregnant. It HURTS my heart. I just found out yesterday that my best friend is pregnant with her first baby. I knew this was coming, they started trying the beginning of this month. I hoped I wouldn't feel anything but happiness.. but it is upsetting me. I feel so horrible and guilty for feelling this way, and its not that I wish she wasn't pregnant. Its not that at all. I just wish I could be too. Im jealous:blushing: A few years ago I referred her to my OB.. so thats what is really bothering me. She gets to have that happy experience with the best doctor in the world, that I miss so much.. and mine is over. I KNOW this is totally crazy. I have something better, I have my Wonderful son. Im on cloud 9 with him I honestly am. Im just so sad that such a happy special time is over. And its hard watching her get what I want/miss. I feel like a disgusting person. I hate myself for feeling this way. I dont have any ill will towards her at all and I really am happy for her. Its just complicated feelings. I really dont want to go back on the Zoloft. Im trying to concentrate on the whole "dont be sad its over, be glad that it happened" mantra. & I know we want more kids so Im just trying to enjoy my kiddies and know that (if God allows it) I will get to experience that again. I dont know, it still is really hard. I dont know what Im looking for by posting this, I just wanted to get it OUT. I feel crazy and like the worst person on the face of the Earth. Help me to be happy for her? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JennyD Posted October 21, 2012 Share Posted October 21, 2012 First, :grouphug::grouphug: Second, you are NOT a horrible person. However, you do sound -- IMtotallynonexpertO -- like a person who is not actually over her PPD. Was it your OB or a mental health professional who supervised your going on and off the Zoloft? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wendi Posted October 21, 2012 Share Posted October 21, 2012 I've not experienced PPD, but I do have OCD, so I know how distressing unwanted thoughts and feelings can be! It sounds like at this point, some counseling might be helpful. :grouphug: Wendi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen in PA Posted October 21, 2012 Share Posted October 21, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MommaOfalotta Posted October 21, 2012 Author Share Posted October 21, 2012 My OB prescribed it.. and I asked to go off of it. They explained to me the correct way to stop taking it. Keep lowering the dosage and go off of it slowlyyyy. It was a very small dosage to begin with. I have a ton of baby weight to lose. Still 60 pounds left. With the zoloft I couldn't lose ANYTHING. Which was making me crazy and depressed all on its own. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
k2bdeutmeyer Posted October 21, 2012 Share Posted October 21, 2012 I was like that with DD#2. I don't really have any magic advice, but I totally and 100% understand!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsMommy Posted October 21, 2012 Share Posted October 21, 2012 I felt that way after I had my first. Exactly what you described. I would go out of my way to drive past the hospital, just so I could think about what a special time it was. No real advice, just wanted you to know you're not alone! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenL Posted October 21, 2012 Share Posted October 21, 2012 :grouphug: You are NOT a terrible person! The experience of being pregnant is amazing for some people, and some truly do MISS the entire thing when it's over. I absolutely ADORE my ob/gyn, so I fully understand how you miss yours. I missed mine tremendously after the birth of my second son since I knew it was our last child. I don't think that's unusual at all. What is concerning is how you are processing all of this, and how it's interfering (possibly even consuming?) your happiness overall. If you have the means, please see a counselor to discuss this. What you are describing is something that needs to worked through and it doesn't sound like you are able to do it alone (although I can hear in your words that you are trying). Sometimes even the "simplest" things can be "bigger" than us for a short period of time. :grouphug: ETA: There are other antidepressants that are safe if you are nursing that will help with weight loss. A call to your doctor would help sort that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cajunrose Posted October 21, 2012 Share Posted October 21, 2012 I have secondary infertility...I cried for 4 hours when my bff told me she was pregnant with her 3rd. When she told me she was pregnant with her 5th? I had a HARD time being excited for her...hard hard hard and I'm not sure I convinced her. She's a great mother and I'm happy she gets her large family she always wanted. I'm just sad I didn't get mine. My family size is perfect for me now....but I still get sad. I understand. Just wanted you to know that. Give yourself a break Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MommaOfalotta Posted October 21, 2012 Author Share Posted October 21, 2012 First off I want to say THANK YOU for all of the replies:grouphug: Second, I should have included that there are good days and there are bad. Before, I would only get upset if I had an appointment, or passed the OBs office, or if I just had a rough day pop up out of no where. Other than that Ive been 110%. Until I got the news.. Ever since last night.. its been rough. Dh is trying to be supportive.. and he says all of the right things. He just doesn't *get* it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted October 21, 2012 Share Posted October 21, 2012 I don't think that makes you a horrible person at all. You are free to have all the jealous thoughts you want. It would only be horrible if you treated your friend badly because of them. KWIM? No shame in getting help for depression. Really. Lots of people get depressed. It's about as common as the common cold. :grouphug: :iagree: You only found out last night. I hope you are feeling better VERY soon. I do hope you will get help! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted October 21, 2012 Share Posted October 21, 2012 I'm no expert at all, but I think it's normal to have these feelings when one chapter of life closes and another begins. I know I have similar feelings when I see the younger generation getting married, having babies. I'm past that stage of life, but sometimes I just want that excitement again. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted October 21, 2012 Share Posted October 21, 2012 PLEASE do not quote, I will be deleting this later. I have an 11 week old baby boy. After having him, I had a ton of complications.. one was post partum depression. Only, it wasn't what I imagined PPD to be like. I wasn't sad all of the time, I had no trouble bonding with my son at all. I just had this horrible, crushing despair over not being pregnant anymore. Almost an obsession. I tried Zoloft for a while and ended up weaning myself off, under Drs. supervision. Im 100% fine now.. until I think about it. Its still like a hole in my chest. Im totally fine as long as Im not thinking about it. But when I see my Doctor, or pass his office, Im an emotional wreck. I miss him and my appointments, I miss the hospital and my nurses, I miss every.single.thing. about being pregnant. It HURTS my heart. I just found out yesterday that my best friend is pregnant with her first baby. I knew this was coming, they started trying the beginning of this month. I hoped I wouldn't feel anything but happiness.. but it is upsetting me. I feel so horrible and guilty for feelling this way, and its not that I wish she wasn't pregnant. Its not that at all. I just wish I could be too. Im jealous:blushing: A few years ago I referred her to my OB.. so thats what is really bothering me. She gets to have that happy experience with the best doctor in the world, that I miss so much.. and mine is over. I KNOW this is totally crazy. I have something better, I have my Wonderful son. Im on cloud 9 with him I honestly am. Im just so sad that such a happy special time is over. And its hard watching her get what I want/miss. I feel like a disgusting person. I hate myself for feeling this way. I dont have any ill will towards her at all and I really am happy for her. Its just complicated feelings. I really dont want to go back on the Zoloft. Im trying to concentrate on the whole "dont be sad its over, be glad that it happened" mantra. & I know we want more kids so Im just trying to enjoy my kiddies and know that (if God allows it) I will get to experience that again. I dont know, it still is really hard. I dont know what Im looking for by posting this, I just wanted to get it OUT. I feel crazy and like the worst person on the face of the Earth. Help me to be happy for her? :grouphug: You're not a horrible person. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted October 21, 2012 Share Posted October 21, 2012 I'm no expert at all, but I think it's normal to have these feelings when one chapter of life closes and another begins. I know I have similar feelings when I see the younger generation getting married, having babies. I'm past that stage of life, but sometimes I just want that excitement again. :grouphug: I agree... I can totally relate to this. Sometimes it's very hard for me to watch the younger moms with the passel of little ones in church. I miss those days too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dbmamaz Posted October 21, 2012 Share Posted October 21, 2012 fwiw, i've heard a lot of my moms on my moms group say that they are SOO sad that they dont have any more apts with the wonderful midwife most of us have used. I think the feelings are normal but the intensity is heightened because of the ppd. Its hard because even if you know depression/anxiety/whatever is temporary, its still just SO HARD to be in that moment with those big, bad feelings. Talking (posting) helps some . . . and knowing it will pass helps some, but its just hard! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Element Posted October 21, 2012 Share Posted October 21, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug: I think "getting it out" the key. Get it out. Over and over again. I had crushing guilt for years after I had both kids and I have talked about it over and over again. I still feel a little twinge of jealousy when I hear a friend is pg, but I am at least able to be a little easier on myself. Seriously, though. Come here and talk, talk to your dh or a friend, just GET IT OUT. It will get better. You are not a horrible person. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VeganCupcake Posted October 21, 2012 Share Posted October 21, 2012 I don't think it's unusual for women to have mixed feelings when friends and relatives are pregnant, for a variety of reasons. You're not a horrible person because of those feelings. Generally, the protocol for treating PPD is to remain on medication for a year, IIRC. Stopping sooner can increase the chances of relapse. I think you should consider either finding a counselor, a support group, or a different medication--or perhaps all three. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted October 21, 2012 Share Posted October 21, 2012 BlessedMomma: These passing feelings are NOT who you are really are. You have a new baby. You are extremely out of whack, hormonally, still. Lots if not most women are not themselves, post-partum. Yours just took a bit of a different turn than many women. I learned this from my then-71 year old Mom, when I had a baby. I told her some of my awful feelings, and she said that ALL Moms felt like this, at least sometimes. And she had four kids, and six pregnancies. Her friends concurred. No one tells you this stuff before you have a baby. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MommaOfalotta Posted October 21, 2012 Author Share Posted October 21, 2012 Thank you all :grouphug: Its so reassuring to read that others have been where I am, and have had these feelings. I DO feel that it will go away.. I mean, there is a 5 year difference between dd and ds, and the whole time I couldnt wait to be pregnant again, but it wasnt sad like this. Honestly I feel like Im going to have to suck it up and deal with it. I hope it will get less painful a little everyday (which Im sure it will, as one pp pointed out, I just got the news last night.) Its just that in the here and now, its so painful. Ive never had fertility issues and I pray that I never will.. so that once we are a little more financially secure we can plan another pregnancy. I by no means want another baby right now (although if it happened I would be ecstatic, Im sure).. but Im too thrilled with ds at the moment:D I just wanted to relive HIS pregnancy. Anyway, thank you for listening and it really has helped more than I thought it would to get it out. I appreciate every comment. This board is just wonderful:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ms3mama Posted October 21, 2012 Share Posted October 21, 2012 I'm so sorry that you are having such a hard time right now. Have you tryed any natural remedies? Maybe Bach Flower Remedies or homeopathics? You mentioned planning pregnancies, if you are taking the pill or had an implant that can maybe be throwing your hormones off as well. Also, how is your eating? I know my oldest daughter (14) has a really hard time if she doesn't eat well and take her fish oils and probiotics. (she has not been diagnosed with anything but she does not feel "herself" if she doesn't be careful). These are just some suggestions that came to mind. I will keep you and your young family in my prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted October 21, 2012 Share Posted October 21, 2012 I don't think that makes you a horrible person at all. You are free to have all the jealous thoughts you want. It would only be horrible if you treated your friend badly because of them. KWIM? No shame in getting help for depression. Really. Lots of people get depressed. It's about as common as the common cold. :grouphug: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: And :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted October 21, 2012 Share Posted October 21, 2012 I also do not think you are horrible, at all. I do think you need to talk to your doctor and truly consider going back on your meds. Your peace of mind is far more important than your weight at this point. :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted October 21, 2012 Share Posted October 21, 2012 Honey, it's just hormones and brain chemistry. YOu are not horrible, as others have said. Tons of :grouphug:! I'd consider some counseling, even just to "get over the hump." Check out Negin's posts about natural depression remedies (I assume you are nursing) for things you can do alongside of talk therapy, if you don't want to take a correcting antidepressant. :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I.Dup. Posted October 21, 2012 Share Posted October 21, 2012 I think you are way too soon PP to be weaning off of meds. Many PPD symptoms may not start until around 3 months or so PP. I would think about going back on the meds. I understand though, it is always sad to be done being pregnant. But you are young, and may still have a few more babies. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted October 21, 2012 Share Posted October 21, 2012 First, :grouphug::grouphug: Second, you are NOT a horrible person. However, you do sound -- IMtotallynonexpertO -- like a person who is not actually over her PPD. Was it your OB or a mental health professional who supervised your going on and off the Zoloft? I agree ^^^^^ My OB prescribed it.. and I asked to go off of it. They explained to me the correct way to stop taking it. Keep lowering the dosage and go off of it slowlyyyy. It was a very small dosage to begin with. I have a ton of baby weight to lose. Still 60 pounds left. With the zoloft I couldn't lose ANYTHING. Which was making me crazy and depressed all on its own. You don't sound horrible. It just sounds like you got help, but stopped before you were quite out of the woods. TELL your doctor what you told us. He may switch your prescription. Hey, I'm STILL a little sad that I couldn't have my son in a birth center because my husband HAD to do some STUPID think tank at STUPID Princeton and I had to deliver at STUPID RWJ Hospital in their sucky maternity ward. My son is 12 :D A little crazy is normal and expected. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Rat Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 BlessedMomma, there is such a thing as PP OCD. I had it and it went undiagnosed for more than a year. During that time, I was crazy with obsessive thoughts. They seem silly now, but back then I would freak out if all the beds weren't made by 7am. I worried that if I didn't have everything just right, CPS would take my boys away. I did finally seek medical help and after a year on Welbutrin for depression, the OCD thoughts were gone. I didn't realize I had PP OCD until years later when I read an article about it. Hang in there, you're not a bad mom at all. Big hugs! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oldskool Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 I have been through this as well. I would sit and cry over not being pregnant anymore. It was such a sad feeling and I couldn't explain it well to anyone because it seemed like I wasn't grateful enough for the new baby I was blessed with. Somehow the feeling did go away eventually. It did take awhile though. You are not a horrible person at all. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MommaOfalotta Posted October 22, 2012 Author Share Posted October 22, 2012 (edited) I have been through this as well. I would sit and cry over not being pregnant anymore. It was such a sad feeling and I couldn't explain it well to anyone because it seemed like I wasn't grateful enough for the new baby I was blessed with. Somehow the feeling did go away eventually. It did take awhile though. You are not a horrible person at all. :grouphug: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. All of these comments have meant so much to me, especially those BTDT:grouphug: I really do feel that it will go away on its own, it just really stinks in the mean time. Knowing (well, hoping) that we will be blessed with more babies in the future makes me feel better sometimes. Like I said, I was doing a lot better until I got the news from my best friend. Its only been about 24 hours since she told me. I still have laughed with my kiddies, had fun with dh and had plenty of happy times when I "forget" about it. Then I'll remember shes pregnant and my stomach drops and I just hurt for a few minutes :( I don't cry about it anymore. Well I did last night, obviously. But that has been it. I think eventually it will sink in more and I will get over it. I just hope it starts soon. ETA: Im not using any hormonal birth control at all.. Also am not nursing anymore. That was one of the other complications we experienced. It broke my heart to stop. I wish I would have known at the time about the PPD (we quit before the diagnosis) We had so much trouble with the feedings and had I known I had PPD, I could have sought treatment earlier for it and had the sane mind to stick the nursing out until we perfected it. We had ds slight tongue tie + low supply + PPD + Skin infection + UTI all at the same time, plus recovering from a c-section and other issues we encountered.. I hadn't slept, showered or eaten in days. This of course resulted in a complete emotional breakdown. Edited October 22, 2012 by BlessedMomma Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
besroma Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassenach Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 First, :grouphug::grouphug: Second, you are NOT a horrible person. However, you do sound -- IMtotallynonexpertO -- like a person who is not actually over her PPD. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8circles Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 By baby is 2 and I still miss being pregnant. It will get better. You are NOT a horrible person.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 My OB prescribed it.. and I asked to go off of it. They explained to me the correct way to stop taking it. Keep lowering the dosage and go off of it slowlyyyy. It was a very small dosage to begin with. I have a ton of baby weight to lose. Still 60 pounds left. With the zoloft I couldn't lose ANYTHING. Which was making me crazy and depressed all on its own. Welbutrin is such a great anti-depressant. It doesn't effect your sex drive and it decreases appetite. Smoking too which is why drs. put smokers on it. I highly recommend it. Alley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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