How to (tactfully) say "we're busy, don't stop by"

[Shawna in North CA]

We've been homeschooling for 7 years now, and you'd think I have figured this one out by now, but apparently not....

 

I need a plan to more clearly, but tactfully, communicate that I am not a stay-at-home mom with unlimited free time on my hands...and no, you can't just come over and have coffee and chat.

 

I guess I am feeling a little more pressure this year, as my older kids are needing more academic structure, more consistency with everything, and I'm also teaching a small group reading class in my home.

 

And yet...the phone never stops ringing (at least I don't answer that...) and friends and family continue to stop by, or ask to come by...and even my homeschooling friends want my kids to come over, or their kids to come over, in the middle of the week.

 

As a homeschooler, I enjoy my freedom and flexibilty too. However I need a better strategy for saying "no", and for keeping things consistent. Any ideas?

[elegantlion]

Add something about the kids getting older and needing more focused time now. Hang a sign on the door if necessary, don't answer the phone, and remember No is still an appropriate response. You just need to retrain the people you've been accommodating. Using the age, school is taking longer thing, gives them a reason to accept your more defined expectations.

[~*Beatrix*~]

I think you may just need to say NO. The more you practice saying it, the easier it will become. I think a simple, "that's not going to work for us." is sufficient for most people. You don't owe them more. For family and close friends, "I'm sorry, but weekdays are busy for us this school year and I won't have time to chat. Maybe we can schedule something for the week after next?"

[shanvan]

I'm going through the same thing with my mom right now. During the past week I've had to repeat over and over that Ds is in high school now. He has to finish his work. We cannot afford to take as many spur of the moment days off. It's very hard b/c she lives alone and I ry to keep tabs on her and stay involved, but she cannot come over during school time. She's too distracting, and part of her purpose in coming is to see the kids. They can't visit with her and do school.

 

My solution has been to explain to her that I will be able to take some evenings to do things with her or weekends, but most weekdays will no longer work. It's not sinking in as quickly as I'd like.

[Shawna in North CA]

You just need to retrain the people you've been accommodating.

 

Absolutely. And most of all, probably need to retrain my self.

 

I think a simple, "that's not going to work for us." is sufficient for most people. You don't owe them more.

 

Yes. Its so easy to think I do owe more. I actually owe it to my children to give them the peace and consistency that they need.

[idnib]

I never had people just stopping by my house (my relatives either live far away or work during the day). But I did have a lot of phone calls from people who thought I could chat. (And I did chat, when the kids were younger.) Lately it's been frustrating and just unplugging the phone during school hours has been wonderful.

 

OTOH, not sure it would work if they could swing by when you didn't answer! But still, try unplugging the phone.

[hillfarm]

"Thanks for your interest, but we do not receive visitors between the hours of 8:30 am and 12:30 pm, during homeschooling hours."

 

And that only if you want to be really polite. I personally would leave off the "during homeschooling hours" part, since I don't feel that I owe an explanation to anyone. If anyone disregards this, just don't answer the door. Don't hide or anything, but don't answer the door. If it is law enforcement or the fire department, they will shout out who they are and you can answer it then! Otherwise, La La La (fingers in ears) I don't hear you!:tongue_smilie:

[Plateau Mama]

I tell people "I don't schedule anything or answer the phone before lunch (noon). This is my dedicated school time with xx. If you really need to get me email is best as I might check that when I have a few minutes here and there in the morning. Otherwise I'd love to chat after lunch."

[Georgiana Daniels]

"Now is not a good time." :)

 

Shawna, you're being really kind by considering everyone else's feelings, but the thing of it is, they aren't being thoughtful of you or your kids. Most people will take the simple explanation, but it's OK to be firm when necessary.

[BugsMama]

Put a sign on the door when school is in session, and do. not. answer.

[Cassy]

I think you may just need to say NO. The more you practice saying it, the easier it will become. I think a simple, "that's not going to work for us." is sufficient for most people. You don't owe them more. For family and close friends, "I'm sorry, but weekdays are busy for us this school year and I won't have time to chat. Maybe we can schedule something for the week after next?"

 

:iagree: This is what I did. Some people were put out and were a bit annoyed with me for a while, but they got over it and are still friends, just friends who acknowledge the boundaries I've had to establish. It's a lot less stressful all round once you've made your needs clear.

[Carrie12345]

"We have a full schedule from X to Y, but we'd love to make plans at Z if that works for you!"

[marbel]

The sign on the door idea is a good one for people who stop in.

 

A friend of mine lived in a neighborhood that used stop signs on their front doors so the kids would know who could play and who could not. Not just homeschoolers, but also kids who had homework or whatever to do after school and on weekends. Just anytime the kids in the family weren't available.

 

If the stop sign is up on the door, don't ring the bell.

 

She said it worked really well.

 

We don't have people who stop in but I just screen phone calls during the day. My husband calls on the cell so I know it's him. We have a regular landline phone for the house, no caller ID, but I will screen in case it's important.

[LaxMom]

:iagree: This is what I did. Some people were put out and were a bit annoyed with me for a while, but they got over it and are still friends, just friends who acknowledge the boundaries I've had to establish. It's a lot less stressful all round once you've made your needs clear.

 

:iagree: I knew a couple years ago (no kids) who simply would not accept unannounced visitors. Period. His mother stopped by once, and they didn't answer the door, so she went back up the street to a pay phone and called. Then she went back and they happily let her in. They had to do that with a few friends who didn't take the boundary seriously, but only once. Nobody was particularly offended; they had been told.

 

Of course, the point was probably better made when people had to find a pay phone, but I apply a similar "no drop bys" policy and rarely have someone stop by or call during school hours, and if they do, it's important and time sensitive.

[ktgrok]

Can you change your voicemail/answering machine message? Something along the lines of "Sorry we missed your call. Between 9am and 3pm we are busy learning and homeschooling, but leave a message and we would be happy to get back to you when we are done for the day." Something like that might help them get the message.

[In the Rain]

I'll echo everyone else's responses. I've found people to respond well if you tell them you need focused school time between ? and ? but you'd love to see them after ? on such and such date. Honestly, it is *me* who has a hard time turning things down in our world.:tongue_smilie: There are just so many great opportunities out there, and I do love to see our friends.

[CalicoKat]

We've been homeschooling for 7 years now, and you'd think I have figured this one out by now, but apparently not....

 

I need a plan to more clearly, but tactfully, communicate that I am not a stay-at-home mom with unlimited free time on my hands...and no, you can't just come over and have coffee and chat.

 

I guess I am feeling a little more pressure this year, as my older kids are needing more academic structure, more consistency with everything, and I'm also teaching a small group reading class in my home.

 

And yet...the phone never stops ringing (at least I don't answer that...) and friends and family continue to stop by, or ask to come by...and even my homeschooling friends want my kids to come over, or their kids to come over, in the middle of the week.

 

As a homeschooler, I enjoy my freedom and flexibilty too. However I need a better strategy for saying "no", and for keeping things consistent. Any ideas?

 

"Schools out at ____. So we'll be free to play at _____. I started talking like this when plans are being discussed so that folks got used to the idea that I do have other committments. My mom stops by 1 min. after schools done most days. :D Love to see her but I should have planned some extra time to allow for cleanup.

[Zebra]

I don't know if there is a tactful way to do this. You can be kind, polite, and firm, but I am not sure tact works in a situation like this.

 

Warning people and then simply not answering the door/phone would be the best way to go. People are just trying to see how serious you are. And certain people who are boundary pushers will never get the hint. You really just have to stop feeling guilty for not answering the door/phone. It's your house and your phone, you don't have to answer them.

 

Just decide what needs to be done and do it, no matter what you do someone will be unhappy about it ;).

[EKS]

How about, "Oh, we'd love to see you, but we can't do it this morning. How about sometime after 3:00?"

[SailorMom]

Just remember that a lot of people always assume that you couldn't possibly mean that your boundaries apply to them because they are special (in whatever way the decide....).

When I was committee chair/cubmaster/den leader, etc., this was a real problem. Not only did the phone ring off the hook, but everyone thought their issue was certainly the most important part of my day. They also believed that I could take a day off or run errands whenever I wanted to, lol.

I had to completely stop answering my phone (except for DH's calls), not answer emails, and not answer the door. There were people who would actually try to call two or three times, and then I'd hear a knock at the door!!! They figured they'd just show up... and of course my car was in the driveway. but - nope - I'd spy out a corner of the window and then walk away, lol.

Later I'd tell them - oh - sorry - we're in the back of the house doing school work. Of course, my dogs barking like crazy are loud enough for the whole street to hear.... :lol:

Anyway, I relinquished my scout duties in the spring with DS starting high school work, and I've had to tell a lot of people that I am just not available before 2-3pm ish during the week. Everyone who actually cares about us ( and that I care about ) has no problem with this what-so-ever.

[Ellie]

"I'm so sorry, but we're doing school. I'd love to chat with you Tuesday evening, or Saturday morning [or any other non-school-hour day/time], but I cannot do that any weekday before 3."

 

Possibly you have been way too kind in the past. :) Be blunt. Blunt is not rude. And you don't need to be "tactful," either. We're talking aobut people impeding on *your* time.

[KungFuPanda]

I think it helps to schedule time when you CAN see people. If everyone knows you ARE available on a certain day, it won't feel like a brush-off to them. Socially, it's trickier if you just tell people 'no' and offer no alternatives.

[Tess in the Burbs]

I guess it depends on the people who come over how they take information in.

 

I just emailed a bunch of our friends when school started up asking what day/time they could get together during the week and attached our open days/hours. Most of us only have one day/time overlapping so it's easy enough. I only have one person that is free any time.

 

I agree school hours should be respected but in this day and age with so many people getting cancer and so many young people dying suddenly I am more open to visits. Yes, it throws off our schedule but as my kids get older I realize how precious our time is and I welcome anyone who drops by suddenly. I will stress later about the loss of school time but how loved can you feel when someone comes over wanting to spend time with you!!!:D

 

If it's someone who comes often, just let them know you are super busy with school now and can they come visit later in the day?

[Trish]

Don't pick up the phone during school hours. If people "stop by" (do they do that without calling?) I'd tell them EXACTLY what your school hours are (till 2 pm, 3 pm whatever your time is), so they know. Just repeat every time it happens.

 

"This isn't a good time, we do school until 2 PM."

 

If you've allowed people to "drop by" in the past, tell them with the children getting older and the work harder, you need to enforce your school time more strictly because visits are DISTRACTING. So it is for "the sake of the kids" that you must enforce this rule.