bkpan Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 A couple of weeks ago, we let our ds go to a midnight showing of the Dark Knight and he was invited to sleep over at a friends house. We have never done sleepovers, but since ds is 15yo, the family is another homeschooling family, we have met them, and the dad is a pastor, we felt OK about it. Weeellll, I went to pick up ds the next morning and was shocked to find ds there with his friend, and another teen girl. Evidently, there were 2 teen girls there who went to the movie and spent the night. They all slept in the living room together. And, the parents were not there when I picked ds up! Shocked, does not begin to cover how I felt. But, I keep thinking about the fact that 3 conservative, home schooling families evidently thought that this situation was fine :001_unsure::ohmy::001_unsure: So, dh and I definitely learned our lesson. Dont assume ANYTHING!! It just did not occur to me that I had to ask the other family if they were also having girls over that evening????!!! Does anyone else think that maybe they should have mentioned that fact to us??? Kim Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 Is it possible the girls could have been relatives? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 I would be shocked. When my dd (who is 16) has a friend spend the night, I tell the girl's parents if dh and I plan to go out. That is the norm around here. If other people were attending the movie and/or spending the night, then I would tell them that too. But, friends of the opposite sex would not be staying the night at my house. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 Maybe the parents went out for bagels or something, but had been there the whole night? What were they doing when you arrived, and when did the parents leave? If they were doing something wrong, they probably would have all cleared out before you got there. A couple of weeks ago, we let our ds go to a midnight showing of the Dark Knight and he was invited to sleep over at a friends house. We have never done sleepovers, but since ds is 15yo, the family is another homeschooling family, we have met them, and the dad is a pastor, we felt OK about it. Weeellll, I went to pick up ds the next morning and was shocked to find ds there with his friend, and another teen girl. Evidently, there were 2 teen girls there who went to the movie and spent the night. They all slept in the living room together. And, the parents were not there when I picked ds up! Shocked, does not begin to cover how I felt. But, I keep thinking about the fact that 3 conservative, home schooling families evidently thought that this situation was fine :001_unsure::ohmy::001_unsure: So, dh and I definitely learned our lesson. Dont assume ANYTHING!! It just did not occur to me that I had to ask the other family if they were also having girls over that evening????!!! Does anyone else think that maybe they should have mentioned that fact to us??? Kim Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaxMom Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 I would be upset/shocked. And I'm not old fashioned by any stretch of the imagination. Same here. That is just poor supervision. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 I am pretty old-fashioned, I admit. I would not have been happy about a co-ed sleepover. I can't imagine not telling the parents of all participants that it was co-ed, and that there might be a time the parents would not be home. But, yes, maybe they went out for a quick grocery run or a walk with the dog, or... whatever. I am always very careful to explain all possible circumstances to parents of guests in my house because people have different rules and tolerances. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 I would be upset/shocked. And I'm not old fashioned by any stretch of the imagination. Ditto. Did you speak to the parents about it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaT Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 I cannot wrap my brain around any parents thinking a teen coed sleepover is okay. I would be upset. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hsingscrapper Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 ONLY in the case of everyone being related would I allow teens to have a co-ed sleepover. And I would still give an itinerary to the other parents if we were stepping out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mama2cntrykids Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 Wow. I'd be extremely upset about that, especially at that age. Even if the girls were relations, that doesn't mean much for the other boys there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justLisa Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 I would be upset/shocked. And I'm not old fashioned by any stretch of the imagination. Yes to both statements Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AngelBee Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 I would be shocked. When my dd (who is 16) has a friend spend the night, I tell the girl's parents if dh and I plan to go out. That is the norm around here. If other people were attending the movie and/or spending the night, then I would tell them that too. But, friends of the opposite sex would not be staying the night at my house. :iagree: I would be upset. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AdventureMoms Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 I'm not old-fashioned at all, and depending on circumstances might even be ok with the sleepover, but I can't imagine not telling the other parents! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 I would be upset/shocked. And I'm not old fashioned by any stretch of the imagination. :iagree: Same here. I wouldn't have been happy about this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 5 years ago I would have said NO WAY. But then my kids started hanging out with friends and the whole group of them occasionally slept at someone's house. Sometimes guys slept in a different room, but sometimes they just all slept in one place. In 5 years none of these kids paired off or even played spin the bottle or anything at these events. They were just friends...and I know many of you think we've just chosen to ignore what's really happening. Most of the kids have had boyfriends/girlfriends but those relationships happened outside this group. Most have gone off to college or will this fall- the kids are mostly 18-21 now. It can be an innocent event- but it is a situation that can get out of control quickly. I don't think the OP is overreacting- she should have been told. But it also doesn't necessarily mean the kids had sex on the brain, either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoLuRu Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 I'm not old-fashioned at all, and depending on circumstances might even be ok with the sleepover, but I can't imagine not telling the other parents! This is my point of view, too. I had many co-ed sleepovers in high school, but all parents were aware of the set up and there was always an adult at the house. We were pretty geeky and played board games, watched movies, talked about philosophy, practiced plays for theater class, etc. No one was doing anything inappropriate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Rat Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 I'm not old-fashioned at all, and depending on circumstances might even be ok with the sleepover, but I can't imagine not telling the other parents! :iagree: I attended co-ed sleepovers often as a teen. My parents always knew. They were/are good, moral people. I think I would just be angry that I wasn't informed of the situation beforehand. I hope you talk to the parents and get the full scoop! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
besroma Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 I would he been very upset as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AdventureMoms Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 :iagree: I attended co-ed sleepovers often as a teen. My parents always knew. They were/are good, moral people. I think I would just be angry that I wasn't informed of the situation beforehand. I hope you talk to the parents and get the full scoop! I also attended and hosted co-ed sleepovers in HS (and they were entirely innocent). But everyone's folks knew what was going on. Some of the kids had folks who were not ok with it, and they just got picked up at whatever time their parents decided was ok. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bkpan Posted August 11, 2012 Author Share Posted August 11, 2012 Maybe the parents went out for bagels or something, but had been there the whole night? What were they doing when you arrived, and when did the parents leave? If they were doing something wrong, they probably would have all cleared out before you got there. The girls are not relatives. They attend the same home school tutorial that our ds attends. The parents were there all night, they had gone out that morning. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joani Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 While we've done some co-ed sleepovers (swim team sleepovers, plus some with both my son and daughter and their friends), I'd be upset about not being informed of the plans. Did your son know that there would be girls there? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny in Florida Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 (edited) I cannot wrap my brain around any parents thinking a teen coed sleepover is okay. I would be upset. We've had a mixed-gender group of teens sleep over several times. And they all camp out in the living room. Parents are informed before the kids arrive, and I make sure everyone is comfortable with the plan. I have no problem with that, assuming appropriate supervision. I would be irritated that the parents weren't there when I arrived to pick up my kid, and it would make me concerned that they had dropped the ball on the aforementioned appropriate supervision. But the basic idea of a co-ed sleepover isn't problematic in my book. (And please understand I'm not naive. We did co-ed sleepovers and camping trips when I was a teen, and there was plenty of innappropriate behavior. I totally get what can happen. Our kids are quite different from us, as are their friends. And we are more involved parents.) Edited August 11, 2012 by Jenny in Florida Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 Um, no. That does not fly in my book. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bkpan Posted August 11, 2012 Author Share Posted August 11, 2012 While we've done some co-ed sleepovers (swim team sleepovers, plus some with both my son and daughter and their friends), I'd be upset about not being informed of the plans. Did your son know that there would be girls there? Ds knew that one of the girls was going to the movie with them, but he did not know that they were spending the night. I believe ds that everything was innocent as I do think that these are good kids. However dh and I never would have let ds go to a coed sleepover. I don't know if that is old-fashioned in this era, but I don't want him put into a situation that could cause unnecessary struggle. I am just amazed that some parents would not think that this was a situation that needed a discussion! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dustybug Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 I would be shocked. When my dd (who is 16) has a friend spend the night, I tell the girl's parents if dh and I plan to go out. That is the norm around here. If other people were attending the movie and/or spending the night, then I would tell them that too. But, friends of the opposite sex would not be staying the night at my house. I cannot wrap my brain around any parents thinking a teen coed sleepover is okay. I would be upset. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joani Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 Ds knew that one of the girls was going to the movie with them, but he did not know that they were spending the night. I believe ds that everything was innocent as I do think that these are good kids. However dh and I never would have let ds go to a coed sleepover. I don't know if that is old-fashioned in this era, but I don't want him put into a situation that could cause unnecessary struggle. I am just amazed that some parents would not think that this was a situation that needed a discussion! I don't think you're being old-fashioned at all - a sleepover of just four 15 year olds wouldn't fly here either. I don't know what those parents were thinking to not even run it by you. If you haven't already, now sounds like it might be a good opportunity to talk to your son about calling you if he's in a situation that he shouldn't be. The next time, it could be kids bringing alcohol. My oldest and I had that conversation last weekend. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brownie Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 Way too much temptation! yikes! Brownie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trilliums Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 We are having a coed sleepover right now. But, the girl's mom asked us to do this as a favor; I wouldn't think of inviting over a friend if the opposite gender to a sleepover unless my niece was here and it was her friend. My son and this girl are close friends and friends only. I would definitely be surprised if my kids were invited to a sleepover and there were teen girls there as well. I might permit it though, depending on the situation and how well I knew the families/kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laundrycrisis Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 Two boys and two girls ? Does not sound like a group co-ed sleepover. I might be okay with a larger group and not evenly matched numbers, if I knew in advance, but this particular situation would not be okay with me at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Excelsior! Academy Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 Don't assume anything. Learned that the hard way. Ditto pp. You should have been informed. Whether others would be okay with this senario or not is not the point. You being informed and being able to choose whether or not YOU are okay with it is. Even if it happened spur of the moment, which is not likely, you still should have been told. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brandigirl Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 Two boys and two girls ? Does not sound like a group co-ed sleepover. I might be okay with a larger group and not evenly matched numbers, if I knew in advance, but this particular situation would not be okay with me at all. Something tells me odd numbers would not have made much of a difference :lol:. Joking aside I think it would have been fine had you known that was going to happen. That being said I had tons of guy friends who I usually valued more than my girlfriends because they tend to be more trustworthy but I haven't been to school since the 8th grade so maybe things have changed? EDIT: Why exactly did your ds not call to inform of the change of plans? He knows what your are and are not comfortable with so its not really fair to blame the parents if he just rolled with it. My parents would have KILLED me had I not called them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 I would not have a problem. As a teen, I have been to numerous coed sleepovers and NOTHING questionable ever happened on these occasions- there was quite an etiquette for group slumber parties. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slartibartfast Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 I would be shocked. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stayseeliz Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 This is why we don't do sleepovers. Period. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 Don't assume anything. Learned that the hard way. Ditto pp. You should have been informed. Whether others would be okay with this senario or not is not the point. You being informed and being able to choose whether or not YOU are okay with it is. Even if it happened spur of the moment, which is not likely, you still should have been told. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 I would be upset/shocked. And I'm not old fashioned by any stretch of the imagination. :iagree: I'm not a prude... but putting young hormonal teens in one room overnight is waaaay tempting. Even if nothing took place. OP, have you talked this over with the parents? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 Is it possible the girls could have been relatives? Yeah, before assuming, find out who the girls are! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 I would not have a problem. As a teen, I have been to numerous coed sleepovers and NOTHING questionable ever happened on these occasions- there was quite an etiquette for group slumber parties. Didn't you grow up overseas, if I recall correctly? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 The girls are not relatives. They attend the same home school tutorial that our ds attends. The parents were there all night, they had gone out that morning. Well, that's just weird. Yes, I think they should let all parents know that it is a mixed gathering, but then so should the parents have asked, since you just can't assume we have common values anymore (like back in MY day...said with quavery voice and emphasized with cane!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 I cannot wrap my brain around any parents thinking a teen coed sleepover is okay. I would be upset. 1950's throwback here, who has actually discovered this is relatively common today. :eek: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 Didn't you grow up overseas, if I recall correctly? Yes, I did. Where, incidentally, the number of teenage pregnancies is significantly lower - despite coed sleepovers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jelbe5 Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 I would have been very unhappy to come pick up my child and find out the sleepover was coed and I had not been told in advance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 Yes, I did.Where, incidentally, the number of teenage pregnancies is significantly lower - despite coed sleepovers. Hmmm. Maybe we should all move there! Actually, I think they are dropping here too now. I'm getting a kick out of imagining telling my WWII-era parents (now deceased) that my best friends and a couple of guys were all spending the night together...lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny in Florida Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 Well, that's just weird. Yes, I think they should let all parents know that it is a mixed gathering, but then so should the parents have asked, since you just can't assume we have common values anymore (like back in MY day...said with quavery voice and emphasized with cane!) I'm wondering what this has to do with values? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandylubug Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 You know I am conservative and would say that I won't allow my kids to have co-ed sleepovers when they are teenagers but then I have to stop and ponder on the fact that my girls are only a couple years younger than their brothers. So, even if I only allowed boys to stay with my boys or only allowed girls to stay with my girls... there will ALWAYS be the co-ed situation and the possibility for inappropriate behavior. I can imagine it being a "sticky" spot when we get to that bridge. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 I'm wondering what this has to do with values? Some people would find co-ed sleepovers inappropriate and not in line with their values (worth, importance, usefulness, utility, merit of something to someone, from dictionary!). Some would not. Some would think co-ed skinny-dipping without parents was fine and consistent with their values. Some would not. Just like some think Harry Potter is fine, some don't...yada yada. We no longer really share common community values on these things, as was once assumed. As I said above, I can just imagine telling my parents in 1973 that I was spending the night at a co-ed sleepover. No one would have done a co-ed sleepover in my town, and none of the parents had to check to make sure the other parents weren't doing it. It was assumed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny in Florida Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 Some people would find co-ed sleepovers inappropriate and not in line with their values (worth, importance, usefulness, utility, merit of something to someone, from dictionary!). Some would not. Some would think co-ed skinny-dipping without parents was fine and consistent with their values. Some would not. Just like some think Harry Potter is fine, some don't...yada yada. We no longer really share common community values on these things, as was once assumed. As I said above, I can just imagine telling my parents in 1973 that I was spending the night at a co-ed sleepover. No one would have done a co-ed sleepover in my town, and none of the parents had to check to make sure the other parents weren't doing it. It was assumed. I understand what values are. What I don't understand is what values, exactly, are assumed to exist or not based on whether one set of parents allows co-ed sleepovers? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 I understand what values are. What I don't understand is what values, exactly, are assumed to exist or not based on whether one set of parents allows co-ed sleepovers? I wasn't intending to correct you on what values were - I looked it up again, just to make sure I wasn't misunderstanding you. I'm sure you understand that some parents are more restrictive of their teen's activities with the opposite gender than others? Hence, you have the teens who can date anytime, teens who can only date after a certain age, teens who must "court", etc, according to the family values. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny in Florida Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 I wasn't intending to correct you on what values were - I looked it up again, just to make sure I wasn't misunderstanding you. I'm sure you understand that some parents are more restrictive of their teen's activities with the opposite gender than others? Hence, you have the teens who can date anytime, teens who can only date after a certain age, teens who must "court", etc, according to the family values. Here's what I think is bugging me about this: It's the implication that parents who allow appropriately supervised co-ed sleepovers are lacking "values," that they are somehow contributing to the decline of society. (As in, "In my day, such a thing would never happen. Humph." And, yes, I got that you were being lighthearted, but there is definitely that tone in a lot of the comments.) I don't understand what it is some parents think will happen during a sleepover that couldn't -- and doesn't -- happen any time teens are hanging out together. I guess I also don't subscribe to the theory that young adults are so untrustworthy, so without judgement, so dangerous that they cannot be left in a room with members of the opposite sex while parents are present. (I'm also not naive enough to assume that same-sex pairings are necessarily "safe" if left unsupervised, by the way.) The funny thing is that my daughter is, in many ways, the poster child for "values." She's 17 and has never been on a date. She's never kissed a boy except in character on stage. She doesn't drink or smoke or do any drugs. And we're as proud of her as we could possibly be. And I wouldn't hesitate for 10 seconds to allow her to attend a co-ed sleepover at the home of parents I knew and trusted. I wouldn't have been bothered by it when she was 14, either. Interestingly, it's my son who has hosted the co-ed sleepovers in our house. One of his best friends is a girl, and we have the whole group over here to spend the night a few times a year. My daughter sometimes hangs out with them, too, and we had another girl -- member of the same church youth group in which my son participates -- spend the night with the group another time. They've also done church lock-ins together. These are good kids. But it's not like we send them off behind a closed door and retire to a different wing of the house. The living room is a pretty open area, and we leave our door open, at the very least. Occasionally, I've stayed awake until the wee hours just to make my presence known. They are friends. That's it. I actually think making a big deal about the "danger" involved in this situation is more likely to be a problem than just keeping an eye on them quietly. I want my kids to be comfortable around both genders. I want them to be able to interact naturally with people of the opposite gender, to be able to be friends and co-workers without constant worry that "something might happen." I guess those are my values. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 :iagree: I attended co-ed sleepovers often as a teen. My parents always knew. They were/are good, moral people. I think I would just be angry that I wasn't informed of the situation beforehand. :iagree: Another person who attended many a co-ed sleepover as a teen. We usually stayed up all night watching movies. Oftentimes a parent stayed up all night as well and peeked in. Everyone knew it was co-ed. Kids not allowed to do co-ed sleepovers usually had to leave at midnight. In my group of friends in high school, these began when kids started coming out. It puts the whole thing in a different light, I think. I know that for some parents it's a violation of their values, but I don't think co-ed sleepover automatically equals anything more inappropriate than co-ed anything else for many families. Thus the not assuming. I wouldn't necessarily be angry at the parents though. At that age, I would want the kid to be the responsible party and say something to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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