Little Nyssa Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 :grouphug:Julie:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
k2bdeutmeyer Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 So many before me have spoken wise words....I have nothing new to add. :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kitten18 Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: This is an awesome thread!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
misidawnrn Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 You said that tomorrow is supposed to be your 24th anniversary. Girlfriend, tomorrow IS your 24th anniversary! Few married couples make it that long without experiencing some serious trials along the way. The truth is, you guys are getting through this storm and you WILL emerge victorious. Maybe with a few battle scars, but we all know if it's not worth fighting for, it's not worth much. Don't let this temptation/dalliance suck your joy, your peace, your love, your future more than it already has. Your husband loves you, obviously, and you love him. Let it go. IMO, I wouldn't retreat and take a bath or buy something for myself if I were you. That seems to separate/individualized and doesn't do justice to the fact that you are together and this IS your anniversary. You need to embrace that husband of yours and let him know that you are here, that you're not going anywhere, and that you're looking toward the future with joyful anticipation. You've got some kids still at home, so do it for them, as well as for yourself and dh. Fists up, and fight with all your heart for your marriage, which means that you just need to put this one to bed. THIS!!!!! Don't dread what bad happened for 1 year out of the 24....celebrate what good happened out of the 24! Choose to put on a good attitude and love that you and your DH are working through it TOGETHER!!! Happy Anniversary!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cera Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 What about doing something to "reclaim" the date. Maybe sit down together and write each other letters stating your recommitment to your marriage and family (no mention of the past issue) then read them to each other (sort of a vow renewal for just the two of you). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChemMommy Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 You said that tomorrow is supposed to be your 24th anniversary. Girlfriend, tomorrow IS your 24th anniversary! Few married couples make it that long without experiencing some serious trials along the way. The truth is, you guys are getting through this storm and you WILL emerge victorious. Maybe with a few battle scars, but we all know if it's not worth fighting for, it's not worth much. Don't let this temptation/dalliance suck your joy, your peace, your love, your future more than it already has. Your husband loves you, obviously, and you love him. Let it go. IMO, I wouldn't retreat and take a bath or buy something for myself if I were you. That seems to separate/individualized and doesn't do justice to the fact that you are together and this IS your anniversary. You need to embrace that husband of yours and let him know that you are here, that you're not going anywhere, and that you're looking toward the future with joyful anticipation. You've got some kids still at home, so do it for them, as well as for yourself and dh. Fists up, and fight with all your heart for your marriage, which means that you just need to put this one to bed. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 The more I think about this, the more I wold acknowledge the date and not celebrate. Yes, it is your anniversary, but in some sense it cannot be treated the way it always has been. I like the idea of reclaiming the day, but you both have to be in a position to discuss it. If you're still at the point of being angry and numb when you're near him, then don't force it. :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hana Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 (edited) I absolutely commend you on this hard work you are doing. Edited July 30, 2012 by hana Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 :grouphug: good morning julie. i woke up thinking about you, and wishing you strength and grace and peace. :grouphug: ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sahamamama Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 :grouphug: good morning julie. i woke up thinking about you, and wishing you strength and grace and peace. :grouphug: ann :iagree: Me, too! :grouphug: I'm praying for you, Julie. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 Put the flowers into a vase and set them aside. Then talk to him about making new traditions because the old ones are somewhat tainted now. He really needs to understand that he has to work hard, like Kathy Lee Gifford's husband said after his affair "I will work the rest of my life to prove to my wife that I am the man she thought I was." It will take time. There is probably no way around it. Processing and grieving what you thought you had and perhaps now feel you lost, needs to happen. Possibly for both of you. His actions lost him your trust and while this was his doing it is still a loss. I hope you are in good counseling from where this marriage can emerge stronger than it was before. :iagree: with all of this. I hope you time is being well spent. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wildcat Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 (edited) . Edited January 6, 2023 by Wildcat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cin Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug: 2.5 months is really soon. Maybe this year like a pp said, you should make this anniversary less about you two and more about the family. Have a family celebrations, a family day out.:auto: Make this time about what you two have created together, have accomplished together. For me it would be WAY too soon for romantic gestures (they would feel so empty). You need time to cope and heal...must more time.:grouphug: This might also help a bit with healing, also. By spending time as a family, it will help you both to see what you have been able to accomplish together, and maybe take the focus off of the speed bump that you encountered. The journey is long, and there will be bumps along the way. But focus on the journey itself and not the bumps. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 You said that tomorrow is supposed to be your 24th anniversary. Girlfriend, tomorrow IS your 24th anniversary! Few married couples make it that long without experiencing some serious trials along the way. The truth is, you guys are getting through this storm and you WILL emerge victorious. Maybe with a few battle scars, but we all know if it's not worth fighting for, it's not worth much. Don't let this temptation/dalliance suck your joy, your peace, your love, your future more than it already has. Your husband loves you, obviously, and you love him. Let it go. IMO, I wouldn't retreat and take a bath or buy something for myself if I were you. That seems to separate/individualized and doesn't do justice to the fact that you are together and this IS your anniversary. You need to embrace that husband of yours and let him know that you are here, that you're not going anywhere, and that you're looking toward the future with joyful anticipation. You've got some kids still at home, so do it for them, as well as for yourself and dh. Fists up, and fight with all your heart for your marriage, which means that you just need to put this one to bed. Beautifully stated. :grouphug: Julie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie in CA Posted July 29, 2012 Author Share Posted July 29, 2012 Dh is at work right now, feeding cows. I'm sad, but still breathing in and out. I so much appreciate the wisdom in all of the advice given, and it's been more helpful than you all will ever know. I'm trying to go with a combination of the great ideas mentioned. I'm striving to be happy about what I have left. I can't call it a celebration, exactly, but I'm trying to see this in the best possible light, while still acknowledging my grief over what has been lost. One really unhealthy option that no one mentioned is drowning my sorrow in food. In spite of my best intentions about avoiding emotional eating, it feels appropriate for a day like today, and I'm refusing to feel guilty about it! I had a huge, disgusting burger for lunch today, and I just made a cake that we can have tonight after dinner. The kids are excited, because I *never* make dessert for home. :tongue_smilie: In only six hours it will be bedtime, and I can hold out until then. Thankfully, I'm a person who has no trouble falling asleep at the right time, no matter how unhappy I might be. Tomorrow is another day, and if I get through the next two days (especially Tuesday) intact, I will have a whole year to try and make our 25th anniversary seem meaningful. Thanks again, friends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melbotoast Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaxMom Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom4him Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 You said that tomorrow is supposed to be your 24th anniversary. Girlfriend, tomorrow IS your 24th anniversary! Few married couples make it that long without experiencing some serious trials along the way. The truth is, you guys are getting through this storm and you WILL emerge victorious. Maybe with a few battle scars, but we all know if it's not worth fighting for, it's not worth much. Don't let this temptation/dalliance suck your joy, your peace, your love, your future more than it already has. Your husband loves you, obviously, and you love him. Let it go. IMO, I wouldn't retreat and take a bath or buy something for myself if I were you. That seems to separate/individualized and doesn't do justice to the fact that you are together and this IS your anniversary. You need to embrace that husband of yours and let him know that you are here, that you're not going anywhere, and that you're looking toward the future with joyful anticipation. You've got some kids still at home, so do it for them, as well as for yourself and dh. Fists up, and fight with all your heart for your marriage, which means that you just need to put this one to bed. :iagree: TOTALLY! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hockey Mom Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 I haven't read all of the replies. Forgive me if this has already been mentioned. Friends of my parents went through something similar. Only, it was the wife who was the culprit. Long story short, once they decided that they were going to stick together and make it work, they recreated their dating days. Wooing each other as they had when they were young. On their one-year anniversary of 'dating', the Dh proposed (again) to his wife. They had a second wedding, on a completely different day than their original anniversary. It was a way for them to start fresh again. I know that doesn't help the here and now. But maybe that is something the two of you could discuss on your anniversary? :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dolphin Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug: I think a good talk about new traditions would be good, and write them down, this way you won't be blindsided again next year. It sounds like you want flowers, but don't want flowers. Just a thought, but what about changing it to a potted plant. Something that is still living, with roots. Dh will sometimes surprise me with chocolates or something on our anniversary, but for the most part we don't go for the surprise lavish on our anniversary. It some ways it is setting each other up to fail if the other doesn't live up to the expectation (I hope I said that right) We talk about it and get something together for us as a couple. It is not a me and him day, but an us day, so we plan it together. It might be something to think of moving forward. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 came back to say goodnight.... the cake was a good idea! :001_smile: peace, ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Based on Faith Academy Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 I would tell him what you just told us, for starters. Then, together, come up with a NEW anniversary "standard", celebrating a new progression forward in marriage. Flowers is the old, painful marriage - what is the NEW, moving forward marriage? Dinner at a special restaurant that you do every year? . This is my idea. Come up with a "new anniversary" of the day you both decided to start fresh and new. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
homeschoolally Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 (edited) :grouphug::grouphug: 2.5 months is really soon. Maybe this year like a pp said, you should make this anniversary less about you two and more about the family. Have a family celebrations, a family day out.:auto: Make this time about what you two have created together, have accomplished together. For me it would be WAY too soon for romantic gestures (they would feel so empty). You need time to cope and heal...must more time.:grouphug: :iagree:In reading through some of the other posts, I found myself thinking I could never do some of those suggestions if I were in your position. I think it is way too soon for you to be expected to just suck it up and act as if it is a "normal" anniversary--but the whole confrontation thing sounds painful as well. My thinking is something along these lines. Make it a family time, not a romantic, intimate time. :grouphug: Make plans for next year to be your most romantic anniversary ever. That is a tough spot to be in, and I'm sorry! FWIW, I could never, ever, ever do a 'normal' anniversary under those conditions. I might want to, but I couldn't. Not all of us can put on that 'happy face' on command. Call me overly emotional, flawed--whatever, but I couldn't keep it together. It would take time, lots more than 2 months, for me to do that. ETA: and I wouldn't be afraid to just tell your husband that you just aren't ready for this yet. Make a strong commitment for next year's anniversary so it isn't a total rejection, but you just aren't there yet. Edited July 30, 2012 by homeschoolally Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KnitWit Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 I agree with homeschoolally. I'd wouldn't even try to pretend things were alright and he'd have to work his butt off to make it better. And I'm not even sure how he could make something like that better. I think he needs to know just how awful what he did was. The flowers would have gone in the trash here. I realize it's good to let go of stuff like that, but I'm no good at it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 I realize that the flower meant that he was trying to be sweet, but because of the memories, they are going to sting. So perhaps you both need to be honest and realize that sometimes life changes stuff. So you may need to create a new way of remembering this special day. Honesty means that you realize that your marriage may be good, but it has changed forever. I'd allow myself a few hours to be sad, and then do something fun with him to celebrate that you are going to make it and have another 24 years together. As bad as it hurts right now, look toward the future. Whatever you choose doesn't have to be romantic (that's probably asking too much right now anyway) but it should be fun. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 good morning, julie! you lived thru it, and did your best. its a new day. in the "sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof" (matt.6:25) vein, enjoy today. try so hard not to think of tomorrow or remember yesterday. any time thoughts stray to tomorrow in a "remembering" fashion, snap that elastic and tell yourself to stop it. really. i really would try to not turn tomorrow into a marking of a horrible event; it makes it harder to work thru and then let go of if you honor it in any way. maybe plan a Really Busy Day doing things you love. tomorrow would be the day to do wonderful things for yourself. you are beautiful, courageous, kind and loving. :grouphug: lunch out with friends? a trip to the beach with the kids? something you love, and that will occupy your thoughts. :grouphug: ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4Hisglory Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 maybe plan a Really Busy Day doing things you love. tomorrow would be the day to do wonderful things for yourself. you are beautiful, courageous, kind and loving. :grouphug: lunch out with friends? a trip to the beach with the kids? something you love, and that will occupy your thoughts. :grouphug: ann :iagree: :grouphug::grouphug: Good Morning Julie During a series of crushing events in my life my girlfriend wrote to me and said she was crushing a bag of lavender to release its fragrance. You are releasing your crushed fragrance, your strength, your love, your hope,...... It is a new day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 there is anything that you had always wanted to do for your anniversary but never got around to doing it for one reason or another? Might that be a good time to do it? Yes, I'd suggest going elsewhere or doing something totally different in a different location that you can associate with your anniversary from now on. I understand withdrawal and that might be my inclination, but it won't get you where you want to go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sahamamama Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 Julie, how was your week? :grouphug: Been praying for you and yours. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie in CA Posted August 3, 2012 Author Share Posted August 3, 2012 Julie, how was your week? :grouphug: Been praying for you and yours. If you would continue to pray--here is my post from yesterday. (And folks, I promise, I'm going to stop complaining *soon*.) http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/showthread.php?p=4168470#poststop Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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