S/o avoiding confrontation

[tntgoodwin]

I admit that I don't understand the mentality of someone who would let negative things occur because they prefer to "avoid confrontation."

 

Do you consider this personality trait to be a positive thing or negative, generally speaking?

[tntgoodwin]

Feel free to comment as well. :)

[*********]

I admit that I don't understand the mentality of someone who would let negative things occur because they prefer to "avoid confrontation."

 

Do you consider this personality trait to be a positive thing or negative, generally speaking?

 

I consider this trait in myself to be generally negative.

 

I do not like that I am this way, however at this point in my life, I don't know what to do to change it. I kinda feel stuck being this way.

 

I feel the need to add that I am *capable* of confrontation. for example, I have no problem with confronting someone for the sake of my children. It's standing up for *myself* where I just retreat to 'letting negative things occur to avoid confrontation'.

 

Heh. After reading that, I suspect many would say I have a self esteem issue. Hunh.

[WishboneDawn]

In my life it's been a negative because I would avoid it to an extreme. I've grown wiser and now realize confrontation can be done in a respectful way. I really love this growing old thing. :)

[Scuff]

Both. To an extreme, it can be negative. If you're bottling it up to explode later, you need to just handle it. But not everything needs to be hashed out. Many times we just need to extended a little grace towards one another and let things go.

 

And I voted negative when I meant kilt.

[Night Elf]

This is hard for me to explain. I don't understand the psychology behind it. I avoid confrontation at all costs. It makes me feel physically ill. I get flushed and feel hot like I'm running a fever. I cry easily. Because I have these physical reactions, I look weak, which of course I am. When I was little, I had kids take advantage of that. As a survival mechanism, I learned to stay away from any situation that would result in me feeling confronted. It just got easier to avoid as I got older.

 

Yes, I see it as a negative thing. I should be a big girl and be able to stand up for myself. I've had bad things happen because of this inability to stick up for myself, but I've rarely had to deal with the same bad thing twice. When it was a kid (child, teen, whatever), I let them laugh at me while I cried and then I stayed far away. I was teased but never right up in my face so it wasn't that bad to ignore. I haven't faced that problem as an adult. I'm not around people enough, nor am I part of the crowd when I am around people. I think I've lost out on many things because I play it safe.

 

As for family, I just stop talking and interacting with them. My mom and sister have said and done some crazy things that hurt me. Sometimes I tell them it hurts me but that usually results in me being told I'm a baby and I should suck it up and be an adult. If I can ignore something, I will.

 

Now maybe you are talking about something happening repeatedly, or someone watching something bad happen but feel powerless to stop it. I don't have much experience with that. The only situation I can think of is watching my sister deal with her children after she separated from her ex-husband. That experienced changed her attitude and she's never been the same. But if I tried to interfere, I would regret it because she lashed out verbally like tossing knives. So yes, I just left it alone. Her kids have turned out pretty well although I think they are sort of hard and stubborn because that was what was modeled for them.

[PeacefulChaos]

Well, I'm not 100% sure what sort of circumstances we're talking about here... (considering it's a S/O, Idk if there was something else about it somewhere) however, I usually view it being a positive thing.

I don't know... I don't think confronting someone when it isn't necessary makes sense. Idk...maybe I avoid confrontation. :D

[MomatHWTK]

I avoid confrontation because once I'm in, I'm in it to win. I have to be very cautious about choosing only those battles that really matter. (Sometimes I forget this limitation and it's not pretty.)

[PeacefulChaos]

Both. To an extreme, it can be negative. If you're bottling it up to explode later, you need to just handle it. But not everything needs to be hashed out. Many times we just need to extended a little grace towards one another and let things go.

 

And I voted negative when I meant kilt.

 

Ok, this says it better than I did. :D (should have read the comments first)

And I would go so far as to say MOST things don't need to be hashed out. Most things just don't matter enough to get all worked up over it. :)

[LillyMama]

My husband says I avoid confrontation, especially with his mom, but I say I'm just not allowing her to create it. Part of our issue has to do with the fact that my husband is very black and white, so he sees "right and wrong" in things that I consider more like "to each his own." So sometimes he things I should confront people about things that I just don't think need to be "fixed."

 

All that to say that I can confront people about things that really matter- especially things regarding my kids. I just pick my battles. And if I'm not willing to confront someone then I tell myself I have to let it go.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I voted kilt.

 

I think there can be legitimate reasons for avoiding confrontations, and therefore it would be a positive thing.

 

If you're letting bad things happen simply because you're too timid to confront someone, then it's a negative thing.

[Catwoman]

It depends on the circumstance. Sometimes it is better to just walk away from a situation. Sometimes not.

 

Oh yeah??? Wanna say that to my face???

 

Sorry, I'm just being confrontational. :D

 

Personally, I voted Kilt, mainly because it was a more interesting option than the usual obligatory Other choice.

 

Seriously, though, I have no problem with confrontation, but I also think it has a time and place, and it's not worth picking a fight over every little thing. I think it's a weakness to avoid confrontation if you're going to go home and stew about "what you shoulda said" for weeks afterward, or if it's something that's important to you and your family. As has already been said, I think it's negative to be extreme in either direction.

 

I particularly can't stand it when people don't stand up for their children's best interests, because as an adult, if you want to let people walk all over you, that's your right, but when your kids are involved, suck it up and deal with the problem. You owe it to your kids to be their representative, and if you have to confront someone in order to do what's right for the kids, you need to just do it.

[tntgoodwin]

Ok, this says it better than I did. :D (should have read the comments first)

And I would go so far as to say MOST things don't need to be hashed out. Most things just don't matter enough to get all worked up over it. :)

 

To clarify, I do mean situations where someone would rather let something that someone did or didn't say or do bother them, but won't want to go talk about it with the offending party. And then they hold on to it.

 

Not to create conflict where it isn't necessary, because you get over it easily, but where you avoid it even when you don't get over it.

 

If I am making any sense at all.

[tntgoodwin]

Well, I'm not 100% sure what sort of circumstances we're talking about here... (considering it's a S/O, Idk if there was something else about it somewhere) however, I usually view it being a positive thing.

I don't know... I don't think confronting someone when it isn't necessary makes sense. Idk...maybe I avoid confrontation. :D

 

It was inspired by this thread, but I have seen or heard many people who feel this way. Also, I am not trying to call out or upset anyone, especially anyone who posted in that thread. You just reminded me that I didn't understand this, that's all.

 

http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=388803

[Catwoman]

 

Not to create conflict where it isn't necessary, because you get over it easily, but where you avoid it even when you don't get over it.

 

If I am making any sense at all.

 

Yup. You're making sense. :001_smile:

 

And in that case, I would consider it a weakness to be non-confrontational, because ultimately it probably would have been easier to just face the problem head-on and get it over with, than having to deal with being upset about it for a long time afterward.

 

I hate it when I feel like I should have done something, but I didn't.

[TranquilMind]

I admit that I don't understand the mentality of someone who would let negative things occur because they prefer to "avoid confrontation."

 

Do you consider this personality trait to be a positive thing or negative, generally speaking?

 

I guess I'm one of these people, looking back on recent events. I don't know what has caused this...constant judgment I guess. And I don't know how the heck it happened to me...I'm very assertive by nature!

 

Cutting out toxic people does help. They start to skew your views.

[LaxMom]

Kilt.

 

I don't consider either to be inherently positive or negative. There are positive and negative aspects of either way.

 

On a personal level, I don't really understand the desire to avoid confrontation, but that's only because of my particular personality; I'll confront someone/thing that needs confronting, but I don't seek out confrontation.

 

I'm sure there are facets of my being others don't so much understand, either, because it's not part of their makeup.

[gardenmom5]

I see "avoiding confrontation" as being a wuss.

 

someone who wants to "avoid confrontation" so the messenger isn't shot - learns how to be diplomatic so they will be heard. but then, they aren't "avoiding confrontation", but defusing it before it happens.

 

sometimes I think you have to take the bull by the horns. sometimes you let the bull run free on the range because there's no legitimate reason to rope it.

[kalanamak]

I said generally positive because so few things in life are worth it. It is just a bleeping birthday party. I was endless frustrated with hubby's ex who was SOOOOOOO fragile and raised her two daughters that way. She even told him that "relationships are very, very fragile". :confused: (I recall a huge drama over him "putting his new family first" because, on short notice when I couldn't get off, insisting that this one weekend in the whole year was the time he was supposed to drive 300+ miles to visit her. This would have meant 300 miles with a very active 8 month old. Could NOT be any other weekend when I could have gotten off and he could have gone sans, baby, no, had to be this one, and had to cause a year or two of silent hurt because he couldn't change my schedule nor dope baby into submitting to all those hours on the road.) No wonder it was all fractured. Thankfully, the girls are growing up. :)

 

My relationships aren't fragile. I prefer to generally think the best of people and must move along ...nothing to see.

 

However, I am not a wimp and can meet force with force. While I'm picky about what rouses me, it is best not to get on my bad side because I can be very patient in "getting someone". Of note, I very rarely even consider "getting someone" because of something they did to me, but screw over the patients or nurses and I have the patience of an ox and the memory of an elephant. To "get someone" means I want them to knock it off, not make them feel like dreck, btw.

[mommymilkies]

I avoid confrontation because once I'm in, I'm in it to win. I have to be very cautious about choosing only those battles that really matter. (Sometimes I forget this limitation and it's not pretty.)

 

Me, too. I will NOT get into a confrontation about myself, and reluctantly do get in for my kids. I always stood up for my friends as a kid and I was horribly bullied, myself. I get too emotionally invested in confrontation and have trouble controlling that. I know I will either physically lash out or start crying. So for me I see me avoiding confrontation as a positive, but I KNOW I should do so anyway in a more suitable way. I just can not. I have never been able to. I get anxiety attacks just thinking about it.

[SKL]

I very much dislike confrontation, but if it will fix a problem, I will confront.

 

Often, I know for sure that a confrontation will NOT fix a problem. It will either make the problem worse, or create a new problem. So in cases like that, unless I'm feeling particularly feisty, I avoid.

 

But I'm a mama bear and I will kick booty if necessary to avoid unfairness or risks.

[Gingerbread Mama]

Kilt.

 

I'll confront someone/thing that needs confronting, but I don't seek out confrontation.

 

 

 

This is how I feel. I'm not LOOKING for something to attack, but I'll darn sure take care of a problem if I see one. I'm a "black and white" person. It's right or wrong, now it may be that I see it as minor/inconsequential so I don't debate it's wrongness... but I don't think very many things are grey, so to speak. Now, what irks me, is people who say "yeah, it's wrong. it should be changed..." but they don't DO anything to see it changed. In that case...

 

I see "avoiding confrontation" as being a wuss.

 

 

 

:iagree:

 

I voted negative. I think you need to assert yourself if something is bothering you. I get sick of people saying things are "wrong" or "bad", but when you suggest that they DO something about it, they say "Oh, no, I don't want to get involved." That screams wuss to me.

[kalanamak]

 

I voted negative. I think you need to assert yourself if something is bothering you.

 

I first ask myself if it deserves being bothered over. If it doesn't, I squelch it within me. Not everything that bothers a person is worthy, and I find it very rude and selfish to be confronted over petty stuff. And there are a lot of people all upset over petty stuff, as if being bothered by things is a mark of an intelligent or sensitive person. Hooey.

 

I work with about 2000 people and every couple of months someone tries to tell me off. I happily tell them to "just take it to my boss". Once they know who that is, silence, because they just realized I outrank them by about a dozen paygrades. :)

 

(E.g. a person I shall not name who was running riot over a request for Mayo to treat treatment-failure lice. "It isn't on formulary!! How can we assess dosing!! (:confused:)" I trotted out a request to please submit a complaint to my boss, and next thing I know, I have mayo.)

 

I feel really sorry for the low man on the totem pole, and it is one reason I am extra, extra nice to janitorial staff. I learn all their names and ask after their kids. One committed suicide last month, and I wonder if I could have helped, as he was on a ward I only hurried through.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I think it can be both positive and negative. People who avoid confrontation tend to be peacemakers and the world doesn't have enough of that. Mostly, I have empathy for them because I am a conflict avoider myself. If there is a way to make things good without conflict, I will strive for that. For me, confrontation causes such anxiety that it is almost painful. Often the status quo is the lesser of two evils, so I learn to live with it rather than deal with the turmoil.

[LaxMom]

 

(E.g. a person I shall not name who was running riot over a request for Mayo to treat treatment-failure lice. "It isn't on formulary!! How can we assess dosing!! (:confused:)" I trotted out a request to please submit a complaint to my boss, and next thing I know, I have mayo.)

I'm sorry... Is there a standard dosage of topical mayo? Weight based? Is anything in the cafeteria on formulary? Are you sure it was an employee you were talking to? :D

I feel really sorry for the low man on the totem pole, and it is one reason I am extra, extra nice to janitorial staff. I learn all their names and ask after their kids. One committed suicide last month, and I wonder if I could have helped, as he was on a ward I only hurried through.

I'm sorry. That is a difficult wonder to roll around in your head.

[PeacefulChaos]

To clarify, I do mean situations where someone would rather let something that someone did or didn't say or do bother them, but won't want to go talk about it with the offending party. And then they hold on to it.

 

Not to create conflict where it isn't necessary, because you get over it easily, but where you avoid it even when you don't get over it.

 

If I am making any sense at all.

Yep, you are! :)

This is how I feel. I'm not LOOKING for something to attack, but I'll darn sure take care of a problem if I see one. I'm a "black and white" person. It's right or wrong, now it may be that I see it as minor/inconsequential so I don't debate it's wrongness... but I don't think very many things are grey, so to speak. Now, what irks me, is people who say "yeah, it's wrong. it should be changed..." but they don't DO anything to see it changed. In that case...

 

 

 

:iagree:

 

I voted negative. I think you need to assert yourself if something is bothering you. I get sick of people saying things are "wrong" or "bad", but when you suggest that they DO something about it, they say "Oh, no, I don't want to get involved." That screams wuss to me.

I think the biggest thing here is that I very rarely have any reason to care about anything that much. I'm not trying to sound cavalier - but so far, my kids haven't ever had any problems where I need to confront someone, and in general (for myself), I may get annoyed or offended by something, but it's gone the next morning. It just isn't worth my time. I know not everyone is the same, but I don't think that my not asserting myself over multiple things makes me a wuss or a wimp... I'm actually quite the opposite.

Maybe that's why I rarely get offended...maybe people are scared of me. :lol: :lol: :D

I first ask myself if it deserves being bothered over. If it doesn't, I squelch it within me. Not everything that bothers a person is worthy, and I find it very rude and selfish to be confronted over petty stuff. And there are a lot of people all upset over petty stuff, as if being bothered by things is a mark of an intelligent or sensitive person. Hooey.

 

.

I agree. I also think that the less that I say about things (as opposed to being over-opinionated about everything), the more likely that when something does bother me and I do end up saying something, I'm heard as more than just a complainer or a 'squeaky wheel'. (Not saying that anyone else on the thread is. Just thinking out loud...or in type, I guess.)

I think it can be both positive and negative. People who avoid confrontation tend to be peacemakers and the world doesn't have enough of that. Mostly, I have empathy for them because I am a conflict avoider myself. If there is a way to make things good without conflict, I will strive for that. For me, confrontation causes such anxiety that it is almost painful. Often the status quo is the lesser of two evils, so I learn to live with it rather than deal with the turmoil.

Yes! My husband is a peacemaker - big time. He's only assertive when he needs to be - but trust me, he's not a wuss, either. :D He will definitely speak his mind if it's something important. In general, though, he's one of those people who would prefer that everyone get along (and be doing things the right way) so that he can relax. :)

[pqr]

There is a difference between avoiding confrontation and minding one's own business, just as there is a difference between confrontation and debate or disagreement.

[LillyMama]

I first ask myself if it deserves being bothered over. If it doesn't, I squelch it within me. Not everything that bothers a person is worthy, and I find it very rude and selfish to be confronted over petty stuff. And there are a lot of people all upset over petty stuff, as if being bothered by things is a mark of an intelligent or sensitive person. Hooey.

 

:iagree:

 

I think this sums up how I feel perfectly.

 

But then I thought about the word "petty" used here and it sent me on a rabbit trail of thought. It made me realize we probably all can define "confrontation" differently. And, for me at least, it's less about what a person says as HOW they say it.

 

If someone is direct, respectful and understanding/accomodating, I guess I just don't see that as being confrontational. I think the person on the receiving end of the conversation determines whether it's confrontational based on how they respond. I mean, someone can come at me super aggressively and rudely, and I'll feel confronted. Or someone can just start a constructive conversation with me and I won't feel confronted at all. Likewise, there are people that, no matter how polite and respectful I try to be, they will always feel confronted. I cannot control how they feel, so I just try to do right by my own moral code- did I speak to them the way I would like to be spoken to? Then the rest is up to them.

 

As I said before, if I'm not willing to engage in a conversation about it, I LET IT GO. If I'm not able to let it go, then I will make myself say something. I expect others to do the same (which I know isn't realistic but I just have to see the world that way or I'll just want to hit everyone with my shoes all the time...) so if someone brings something to me, I try to realize they felt they had no other choice, and it is hard for them.

 

For the people that I know just confront me out of boredom or pride or selfishness... I don't see that as confrontation, it's manipulative bullying and I just ignore it. And usually I pray for them, as I feel sorry for them that they feel things so much more intensely than I do. It makes me think life is hard for them and that they must not be very happy.

[Carrie12345]

I have several relatives who avoid confrontation at all costs and it drives me insane!!! Two aren't speaking to me at all right now b/c I had the nerve to speak current uncomfortable but glaring truths, and they simply can't deal. I try to play their game, but it makes me want to smack people.

 

This is life. It doesn't get all neat and tidy while your head is in the sand!

[tntgoodwin]

I wonder if there are a lot of personality traits that have such a divided opinion...

[justamouse]

In my life it's been a negative because I would avoid it to an extreme. I've grown wiser and now realize confrontation can be done in a respectful way. I really love this growing old thing. :)

 

:iagree:

[Lizzie in Ma]

 

I hate it when I feel like I should have done something, but I didn't.

 

:iagree: