Been Away...(Family Issues)

[Impish]

I've been away for a bit.

 

I've had to figure out some things in regards to family issues.

 

Wolf, the kids and I are fine, no worries there.

 

It's to do w/my mother.

 

I've mentioned here before that I believe she's NPD, and that I've had a difficult relationship w/her all my life. Physical abuse growing up, many issues as an adult.

 

I agreed to allow her and my Dad to establish more of a relationship w/my kids 2 yrs ago. At that point, she'd seen Tazzie once as an infant, neither of them had met Princess at all. I told them both at the time that it wasn't about how Wolf and I felt, or about how they felt, but about what was best for my kids...and if my kids could have gparents that loved them, were involved w/their lives, then I wasn't going to deny them that.

 

Here's where the problem begins. My mother has a habit of either she's the most attentive, most interested person ever, making me think that wow, we could really have a good relationship, or we cease to exist. Completely. There's no inbetween.

 

I called her on Tazzie's birthday, b/c she hadn't called him. First, she tells me that it's NOT his birthday. :001_huh: Then, after I insist, she replies, "Oh. So it is." and says she'll call back, she's on the other line.

 

In that call, she was told about Wolf being up for the new job.

 

I've realized several things about that call since.

 

One, she never remembers any of my kids birthdays. I have to call and prompt her to talk to them and wish them a happy birthday.

 

Two, she never once called to find out how the job process was going, if he got the job, etc. I left 4 different msgs for her, and she ignored them all. I had folks HERE posting and asking if we'd heard anything, but complete silence from her.

 

After we moved, I deliberately waited a few wks before calling her. I wanted to see if she'd bother to call and find out how our move went. I mean, disabled dd, 4 kids, one an infant, moving over 5 hrs...wouldn't you think that you'd be wondering, worrying, something? Nope.

 

I've also realized she's called a grand total of 4 times this yr. 3 of which were prompted by me either leaving msgs or email.

 

She's simply not emotionally invested in a relationship w/my kids. I used to think it was just the distance, but I've known other families that are far apart, and gparents put in effort. They call regularily, they mail, they Skype. I found out my mom had Skype for YEARS before I'd downloaded it, but never once suggested skyping w/the kids. She bragged about using it w/her internet friends, but when I asked her to Skype w/the kids, she came up w/excuse after excuse why it wouldn't work.

 

The kids are noticing. They've asked why she doesn't bother w/them. Tazzie wanted to know if he'd done something wrong, if she was mad at him.

 

I've decided, after much prayer, that it ends now. I tried to build more of a relationship w/them for my kids sake, but I can't force them to care. I can't make them be decent, normal gparents...and I will not allow them to hurt my kids.

 

It's going to suck. My mother will throw a tantrum to end all tantrums, and it won't surprise me in the slightest if she decides to call CPS on us...simply to hurt and cause trouble. I also wouldn't be surprised if she manipulates my brother the police officer into doing so on her behalf as well. I'm not looking forward to dealing w/whatever sh!tstorm she brews up, and there WILL be one.

 

I just can't allow the fear of what she'll do control my decisions, or prevent me from doing what's best for my kids. This relationship simply isn't emotionally healthy for them.

[tiffanieh]

So sorry you have to deal with all that. However, I was wondering why do you need to make any deal about severing the relationship (which could bring about negative consequences that you'd have to further deal with ie. CPS).

 

It sounds like she wouldn't be calling you anyways, so just let it die and don't call anymore. If she does call, just let it go to voicemail and don't call back. Doesn't sound like she'll be hunting you down to inquire by your lack of response!

 

In any case, I wish this ends as painlessly as possible for you AND your kiddos.

[Kathryn]

I'm so sorry. We have four varying levels of crazy parents between DH and I (all divorced, so their crazies are all dealt with individually). It's rough and difficult for the children to understand. I'm a firm believer in not letting the crazy infect the kids just because they're family. I think the people who say differently haven't dealt with the same level of crazy that some of us have.

 

:grouphug:

[QuirkyKapers]

 

I just can't allow the fear of what she'll do control my decisions, or prevent me from doing what's best for my kids. This relationship simply isn't emotionally healthy for them.

 

:iagree: You are correct, you can't let your fear of what she may or may not do control your decisions. I know when I am operating from fear, I have to rationally combat that fear with the truth. I also tend to ask myself, what is the worst case scenario? What can I do to minimize the hurt, the risk to my family if that happens? It really stinks. It is really hard. It really hurts. :grouphug:

[Starr]

I'm thinking the neutral approach might work as well if you're worried about repercussions. Tell the kids she's not capable of more. Don't call and leave contact up to her. If she decides to come at the last minute tell her it won't work and be busy that weekend. :grouphug:

[Josie]

However, I was wondering why do you need to make any deal about severing the relationship (which could bring about negative consequences that you'd have to further deal with ie. CPS).

 

It sounds like she wouldn't be calling you anyways, so just let it die and don't call anymore. If she does call, just let it go to voicemail and don't call back. Doesn't sound like she'll be hunting you down to inquire by your lack of response!

 

:iagree: I was going to say the same thing. Just let it die a natural death. She probably won't even notice. I really wouldn't make a big deal out of it with her.

 

Remember the quote in your sig line, "Do not try to teach pigs to sing. You'll only frustrate yourself, and irritate the pigs." Franciscan Monk

 

Just relax and carry on with your life.

[redsquirrel]

Just stop investing anything. Don't call her outside of HER birthday and/or major holidays etc. If she's not going to put in any effort then why bother. And why go looking for a fight when there doesn't need to be one? She might be relieved if you just don't call, or, more likely, not notice.

 

It doesn't have to be a big 'thing'. You can just stop trying. Why ask for problems you don't need?

[Impish]

So sorry you have to deal with all that. However, I was wondering why do you need to make any deal about severing the relationship (which could bring about negative consequences that you'd have to further deal with ie. CPS).

 

It sounds like she wouldn't be calling you anyways, so just let it die and don't call anymore. If she does call, just let it go to voicemail and don't call back. Doesn't sound like she'll be hunting you down to inquire by your lack of response!

 

In any case, I wish this ends as painlessly as possible for you AND your kiddos.

She called the other day...and it's going to occur to her that she's not getting an answer. Sooner or later, anyways. Then she'll double down and go for broke. She cycles through the attentive/cease to exist and I never know when the switch is going to flip to her deciding to grace us w/her attention. :glare:

 

Plus, there was talk about my parents visiting this summer.

 

I'd prefer to just fade out, and am going to attempt to do that, but I think it will get to the point, sooner or later, where I will need to write an email stating that the relationship is over, and not to contact us any more.

[Jen500]

Just stop investing anything. Don't call her outside of HER birthday and/or major holidays etc. If she's not going to put in any effort then why bother. And why go looking for a fight when there doesn't need to be one? She might be relieved if you just don't call, or, more likely, not notice.

 

It doesn't have to be a big 'thing'. You can just stop trying. Why ask for problems you don't need?

 

:iagree:

IIRC didn't she somehow manage to 'take' your oldest child? Forgive me if I am thinking of another board member. Hard to keep things straight here sometimes.

[Impish]

:iagree:

IIRC didn't she somehow manage to 'take' your oldest child? Forgive me if I am thinking of another board member. Hard to keep things straight here sometimes.

Nope, you're remembering correctly.

 

Honestly, I don't want to deal w/her any more. I don't want to contact her on her birthday, holidays. I just want to be free from her.

 

My intention is to ignore her calls, etc. I can see it getting to the point of harrassment though, and having to make a firm stand.

 

It's like she considers us toys for her to drag out from under the bed, play w/for a bit, then toss aside til the next time it suits her. And woe betide the person that takes her toys away, even if she's been ignoring them for months.

 

I've been doing a LOT of reading and research, and realize that she also fits the criteria for sociopath.

[Renthead Mommy]

Nope, you're remembering correctly.

 

Honestly, I don't want to deal w/her any more. I don't want to contact her on her birthday, holidays. I just want to be free from her.

 

My intention is to ignore her calls, etc. I can see it getting to the point of harrassment though, and having to make a firm stand.

 

It's like she considers us toys for her to drag out from under the bed, play w/for a bit, then toss aside til the next time it suits her. And woe betide the person that takes her toys away, even if she's been ignoring them for months.

 

I've been doing a LOT of reading and research, and realize that she also fits the criteria for sociopath.

 

 

But what about your son? (Your oldest, I mean, I'm thinking I remember him being a boy.) Does he live with your parents? Is his main relationship with your parents? Will you lose all contact with him? And if she's a sociopath, don't you want to get him away from her?

[AuntieM]

So sorry you have to deal with all that. However, I was wondering why do you need to make any deal about severing the relationship (which could bring about negative consequences that you'd have to further deal with ie. CPS).

 

It sounds like she wouldn't be calling you anyways, so just let it die and don't call anymore. If she does call, just let it go to voicemail and don't call back. Doesn't sound like she'll be hunting you down to inquire by your lack of response!

 

In any case, I wish this ends as painlessly as possible for you AND your kiddos.

 

:iagree:

My thoughts exactly. Why do you feel the need to make a "statement" of any sort? Just allow that relationship to slip away.

 

My kids do not have a close relationship with my mom. Long story. Other senior adults have come into their lives and MORE than made up the difference. The kids wonder, but as they have grown, they can see the truth; there's no need for me to elaborate. If there's anything at all you need to say to your kids, keep it simple and just be sure to include that it's not them, it's her. "I don't fully understand it myself, but some people find it difficult to keep up long distance relationships, even with people they love."

[Impish]

But what about your son? (Your oldest, I mean, I'm thinking I remember him being a boy.) Does he live with your parents? Is his main relationship with your parents? Will you lose all contact with him? And if she's a sociopath, don't you want to get him away from her?

My son is now an adult, and in the Navy.

 

He's the reason that I kept contact w/them, initially. Once he was out of their house, I intended to cut off the relationship, but got sucked in by their claims of wanting to be involved gparents, and by their focusing attention on us. I didn't want to deny my kids b/c of how I felt.

[redsquirrel]

So return her calls, when she does call, and leave it at that. You can try that for 6 months or a year and then see how you feel about making a statement. She might not notice. There doesn't seem to be a reason to escalate towards a confrontation.

 

It sounds like you have already had a major confrontation and yet you have chosen to keep her in your life. Why would she think a second confrontation will be different? Just return her calls. Be polite and see what happens.

[usetoschool]

So sorry you are going through this and I wish it could just disappear or fade away. If your son is out of the picture I think you are probably better off in the driver's seat and in control of the situation on your terms, than having to react to her, whenever she decides to push the issue. :grouphug: No point in living on pins and needles while you wait for her to decide.

[Denisemomof4]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I am sorry for your turmoil my friend. :sad:

 

We all want the happy, loving, close family experience. Many of us never had that. It is paunful for sure.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I believe no relaionship is better than a toxic, or painful, one.

[Scarlett]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I am sorry for your turmoil my friend. :sad:

 

We all want the happy, loving, close family experience. Many of us never had that. It is paunful for sure.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I believe no relaionship is better than a toxic, or painful, one.

 

:iagree:

[catz]

Sounds like the right decision. :grouphug:

 

I wouldn't make a stand - I'd just let things drop. It's ridiculous that you should have initiate contact on your kid's birthdays. I just wouldn't initiate contact and let the chips fall where they may. I have a brother that is on again off again. I just personally have no expectations and I've taught my kids that their family has issues and they should have no expectations. My oldest was disappointed in them for a while, but now just rolls with it. We see or hear from them a few times a year (they only live 45 minutes from us).

[Coffeetime]

So sorry. :grouphug: DH and I have been through the experience of cutting off a parental relationship- only in our case it was more about open hostility toward our children. It sucks.

 

 

I believe no relaionship is better than a toxic, or painful, one.

 

:iagree: This is the bottom line.

[Impish]

Thanks for the responses.

 

I honestly feel like I've exhausted every option to keep any sort of relationship going. She's simply not capable.

 

I've also woken up to the fact that she no longer has a 'weapon' to keep me in line. None of us sibs communicate w/each other, and now that my son is on his own, there's nothing left for her to use against me. I'm finally ready to walk away and go w/out any info on my sibs. I've discovered a few lies that she's told to deliberately keep sibs apart. It worked, and I'm not particpating any more. I've no doubt there are far more lies involved, and the few I've uncovered just confirms it.

 

There's so much to this situation, I can't even begin to get into it all.

 

I just know that her presence in our lives needs to end. Period.

[mafi39]

I think you are taking the right approach. My MIL was an addict, extremely manipulative and kept us all in knots constantly. She is deceased and before we adopted, my husband and I had reached the conclusion that she wouldn't be part of our kids lives in her condition at the time. It's just not an environment for children to be around. :grouphug::grouphug:

[Tammyla]

:grouphug:Friend, I hope you find peace.

 

 

I'd go for fading out, and skip any written or verbal declarations to poke that dragon.

 

If cornered, I would just try for an attitude of too happy, busy with our own lives to care. (Like...Speak up, what...Oh, the phone battery is fading, gotta go.) And learn to avoid the calls; use caller id or toss the thing.

Edited May 22, 2012 by Tammyla

[Harriet Vane]

I'm thinking the neutral approach might work as well if you're worried about repercussions. Tell the kids she's not capable of more. Don't call and leave contact up to her. If she decides to come at the last minute tell her it won't work and be busy that weekend. :grouphug:

 

:iagree:

 

Don't make any Big Declarations. That will only trigger her need for drama.

 

Just smiling, oblivious, disengaged. It will work, and it will be much more peaceful.

[LaxMom]

... Double post.

Edited May 22, 2012 by MyCrazyHouse

[LaxMom]

I tend to agree with the "don't make any declarations" stance. Why tell her you're taking her control away? That just sends them into seek and destroy mode.

 

On the other hand, when my mother wants to make a big show of "concerned, involved grandparent" she usually tries to get my dad to influence me, and he's not biting, so...

 

I would (and do) conveniently not answer the phone, etc, when she goes through those phases. Sometimes, I send a "saw that you called, we're just so busy!" Facebook message (because she doesn't seem to have my email address), and then I space out replies longer and longer until she loses interest again.

 

Oh, the ridiculous games we end up playing, just to live our lives peacefully. sigh. :grouphug:

[ma23peas]

I have learned that 'any' relationship with a grandparent is better than none at all, that being said, my husband's family will have nothing to do with us..they are both alcoholics, have been their entire lives..but they don't have the problem..we do...now, in that case...we simply said we would make every effort to visit them and be a part of their family but we would not bring our children over after 4pm (they start drinking at 3 and don't stop)...that was it for them, THEIR choice not ours...we gave an option to be with them...send a card every Christmas but have never received any contact from them...they 'disowned' us...who cares about money? I just want loving members of society to love my children!

 

Now, for my mom, honestly, if I never called...she would never ever call unless a relative died. Now, if you asked her "how many times have you called your children"...she would say, oh at least once a week..NO we call HER but she never calls us. I could sit in the misery, I have had times where I have just cried b/c she has no clue what my kids are doing..at Christmas she asked when my girl's dance recital was...they have taken dance from the same studio for 3 years and never had a recital...it just was the straw...I have told her they are on the performance team and they perform in the community but she has never made an effort to come see them....I just cried and had to leave the house....I so want that Caroline Ingalls mom, not gonna happen. I have to be content with what it is. She does care about the children, just not enough to come see them or ask about them. When we go to my parents house they just love being at 'grandmas'...she'll make them food and watch TV...about once a year she might take them to a movie..that's it...heck, she even forgot my 16th birthday (along with all the rest of the family) and has forgotten my birthday on other occasions, missed all the kids birthdays last year, just gave them a check this year for last year's...so what? I'm not going to hold her to an ideal that can not happen...I love her for the good, I ignore and HAVE to put away my hurt feelings...they are no good to anyone....when she is gone, I will be glad that I did all I could to help their relationship..my kids see that I try...they pick up on the 'icky' parts...but they see me as a mother trying to love her mother...that's all you can do sometimes.

[Impish]

As I said earlier, I'm not wanting to make any declarations.

 

I can, however, see her harrassing the carp out of us until the only way to get her to stop is to finally tell her.

 

I'm going to play it by ear, putting off any declarations unless and until there's really no choice.

 

I haven't made any statements to her. While she's been ignoring us, I didn't want to do anything to cause her to focus on us.

[KRG]

:iagree:

 

Don't make any Big Declarations. That will only trigger her need for drama.

 

Just smiling, oblivious, disengaged. It will work, and it will be much more peaceful.

 

:iagree:

 

She only contacts you about 4x a year--that's not a relationship. Don't invite drama...let it go!

[jrn]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I tried to fade away from my parents but my mom called me out. It's been rough. I understand your pain.

[Parrothead]

So sorry you have to deal with all that. However, I was wondering why do you need to make any deal about severing the relationship (which could bring about negative consequences that you'd have to further deal with ie. CPS).

 

It sounds like she wouldn't be calling you anyways, so just let it die and don't call anymore. If she does call, just let it go to voicemail and don't call back. Doesn't sound like she'll be hunting you down to inquire by your lack of response!

 

In any case, I wish this ends as painlessly as possible for you AND your kiddos.

:iagree:Don't confront them. Just let it fizzle out and die.

[ma23peas]

I haven't made any statements to her. While she's been ignoring us, I didn't want to do anything to cause her to focus on us.

 

This is only meant to add some brevity to a sad situation...but when you mentioned focus, all I could think of was the Hobbits trying to escape the eye of Sauron as they made their way to Mordor. Here's to a stress free journey to peace Impish!

[1pageatatime]

I totally get where you are coming from.

 

In my own relationship with my Narcissistic mom, I get where you are coming from. I get that desire for you to mentally establish a definitive zero contact.

 

I hear your desires. May I gently suggest you start writing down every.single. way your mom has abused you? That you document her utter lack of consistent involvement in your and your dc lives?

 

And that once you DO set THAT sad boundary, that you send it to her in a certified letter form, keeping copies to give to police, CPS, *any* safe relative, etc..

 

Then, if she continues to attempt contact(as any Narcissistic mom will, with absolute denial of any/all wrong doing) you can start a "Stalking Log" in which you document any/all attempts at contact, whether it be phone call, email, doorstep, BD cards, Xmas gifts, etc..

 

If you need support, try these sites....

 

www.luke173ministries.org

 

or

 

www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com

 

It's been about a year since I went no contact. It's been both heaven and hell, but more heaven.;)

Edited May 23, 2012 by 1pageatatime
adjusting links

[Guest submarines]

So sorry you have to deal with all that. However, I was wondering why do you need to make any deal about severing the relationship (which could bring about negative consequences that you'd have to further deal with ie. CPS).

 

It sounds like she wouldn't be calling you anyways, so just let it die and don't call anymore. If she does call, just let it go to voicemail and don't call back. Doesn't sound like she'll be hunting you down to inquire by your lack of response!

 

In any case, I wish this ends as painlessly as possible for you AND your kiddos.

 

:iagree: