I could really, really use some cheering up. (looong, sorry)

[Jill- OK]

Most of you know my dad died almost three years ago.

 

Well, my stepmom (who was married to him for twenty years or more), remarried this past summer. (It was kind of a shock, although not completely a surprise.) I haven't talked about it much, because...well, it's been an adjustment.

 

Her new husband is a great guy. Reminds me a lot of one of my uncles, in fact. But he's been a bachelor for quite some time (has two grown kids, though), and inheriting five grandchildren was somewhat overwhelming for him.

 

I wasn't crazy about them spending the night with them, at first, because I didn't *know* her husband that well, but after getting to know him, recently became comfortable with the idea, and agreed to let them spend a night right before Christmas.

 

Then...my teenage daughter had a little meltdown about it (memories of her grandpa, feeling weird about the whole situation), and so they ended up just spending the day, like they have been.

 

Okay, fast forward to this weekend; my stepmom asked if they could spend the night on Friday, dd felt comfortable with the idea, and so did I. Everyone's excited. Well, I just got off the phone with stepmom, who was *bawling*, and it turns out that her husband really would like to just take a couple of the kids at a time.

 

Now, in case anyone is thinking, "Well, gee, what's the big deal? *I* can't imagine taking five kids at a whack, for a whole night!" it really isn't.

 

Except that this was always my dad and stepmom's 'thing'. They were the ones who loved having all five kids at once, could *easily* do it, loved to do it, and did it partially to bless my husband and I.

 

We don't get many evenings all alone. And aside from that...my stepmom doesn't get to see the kids with the same regularity that my mom and grandparents do (she works), and it could be quite some time in between visits. She's distraught, but what can she do? This guy is great to her, and really wants to be supportive, but...just can't take the overwhelming presence of five kids. I mean, five *good* kids are still...five kids, you know?

 

I reassured her that he's not abnormal (my mom doesn't keep more than a few kids at a time), it's that *she* is above average. :-) (That made her feel better).

 

But this has ripped open my dad's absence all over again, I feel like.

 

He used to call on a Friday, after working *hard*, and say, "I need to look into my power." That meant he wanted to come and pick up the kids, and take them home with him. There's a Geronimo movie where Geronimo talks about the visions he has, about the future, and that's the phrase he uses. (You'd have to know my dad, lol.)

 

I'm going to explain to the kids that something's come up, and then we'll wait a while, and see about just suggesting that they go a few at a time. They won't think anything of it, I don't think, because their other grandmother does it that way (only a few at a time)...but it's still the end of an era.

 

I don't know what I'm looking for, because I don't know what I'm feeling. I *am* disappointed I won't get all night 'date nights' anymore, but more than that, I just...wish my stepmom could still be *that* grandparent, you know?

 

Sorry to take up space with my whine.

[Sandy in Indy]

((((Jill)))) That's not a whine.

 

I lost my dad not quite 4 years ago and honestly can't imagine my mom with someone else. I think you're doing very well, on the whole! It's things like this...just a change in the way things used to be...that make my grief pop up again.

 

You're handling things very well. Your dad would be proud.

[Sue in WI]

((Jill)), I would probably feel the same way. My Dad died 7 1/2 years ago, and sometimes it seems like it just happened.

[JudoMom]

but I wanted to let you know that I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. Not that there is anything wrong with the decision that has been made, but just because it stinks. (((Jill)))

[readwithem]

 

 

 

But this has ripped open my dad's absence all over again, I feel like.

 

He used to call on a Friday, after working *hard*, and say, "I need to look into my power." That meant he wanted to come and pick up the kids, and take them home with him. There's a Geronimo movie where Geronimo talks about the visions he has, about the future, and that's the phrase he uses. (You'd have to know my dad, lol.)

 

.

 

 

This brought tears to my eyes. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of this part of the relationship. It's *okay* to be happy for your step-mom and still mourn this loss.

 

And give that teen dd of yours a big hug... I can relate to how she's feeling.

[kalanamak]

He wants you to "look into your power".

[Sparkle]

I totally get what you're saying. It stinks. I have kind of a similar situation here. My mom was an awesome grandma who loved doing things with the grandkids. She died several years ago, and now it's just dh's parents left. Dh's mom freaks at the idea of having to watch all 4 kids at once (she raised 6 of her own, so I'm not sure what the problem is), so she never babysits. Grandpa will occasionally. Neither of them ever takes them anywhere or offers to do anything with them. Anywho...I'm really really sorry. Maybe as your dc get older, it won't be a big deal for them to take all five. (((Jill))), it's hard losing a parent, and losing out on that special relationship with the grandchildren.

[Jill- OK]

I just came back to see if there were any replies, and you all don't know how much it means just to have some friendly, understanding words to read.

 

Your replies are very much appreciated.

[gardenschooler]

Oh, Jill. ((((Hugs))).

 

I am so sorry. It seems when we grieve that it just keeps slapping us in the face, and this is one of those times.

 

In time, hopefully the kids can develop a relationship with your stepmom's dh, and she can enjoy the closeness she always had with your children. It will take some adjustments, but I'll bet it will come around faster than you know it.

 

Of course, it's not the same. What a special grandpa and dad.

 

(((Jill))).

[Rhonda in TX]

It's just not the same anymore. Dad remarried, 1.5 years ago, a very nice woman. But it's just different.

 

Things will come along that, while I know they are not that big of a deal, just really remind me that she's gone. That makes it even harder.

 

I'm sorry you've experienced yet another loss. :(

[WTMindy]

((((hugs)))). I'm sorry!!!

[Needleroozer]

You've received some great advice, and I don't really have any to add to it, but want you to know I am thinking of you and sending you hugs, (((Jill))). I think it will get better with time, as others have suggested.

Take care, dear.

[Andie]

((((Jill))))

 

I'm sorry.

[DIY-DY]

This is so hard - on you, on the kids. I'm sure the new dh is a great guy, and I'm glad he treats your stepmom well. Perhaps eventually he will ramp up to all-kids ability, or maybe not (although the way you're both handling it definitely leaves the door open for him to do so in the future w/o putting him on the defensive, and that's a bigger blessing than you probably realize at the moment).

 

But right here, right now, it's hard. It hurts! It just highlights the things you love and miss the most, and there's no whining in admitting that, at all. {{{hugs}}} Sounds like it's hard on her, too, to have to expand that definition of the end of the era. He just married into an exceptionally cool family, you know that?

 

I loved that movie, and I love the image he created by using that quote like that. What a great memory! (The most I get is Zorak saying, "The horned toad says, 'Go West'." Meh.)

 

And although I have no advice to make it all better (how can we, really?), I, too, wanted to send you hugs and understanding and permission to really let out a big ol' foot-stompin' fit in the hallway if you need to. I'd miss all those things, too.

Dy

[Just Me]

((((Jill))) I'm so sorry = I know this can be heart-breaking. I'll be praying for you today!

[Robin in Tx]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

 

You know, I'm sure it must be tough on your kids, too, to lose that special relationship and sense of being so loved that Grandpa couldn't wait to come bundle them all up and "steal" them for a night. It sounds like it will never be the same with the step mom (not for anyone... not of your kids, not for your step mom... not for you), so maybe it's best if you don't even allow it to be attempted (don't let her try to "recreate" any of those traditions... those were your dad's and his alone... it sounds like even your kids sense that). Maybe no more sleepovers at grandma's house, not for anybody (certainly not in shifts!). Ya'll need to find a new tradition that isn't based on past traditions but is based on mutual enjoyment. Even if it's just a monthly trip to the movies or to get ice cream something like that.

 

For date night, I would let the step mom (or a friend) take the youngest ones, and arrange for the olders to sleep over with friends. Whoever ends up at grandmas (if anyone), I would make sure it was understood by the older kids that the reason why they are going is because you want a date night and you need a baby sitter (instead of making it sound like grandma is dying to see them, but only two or three at a time, kwim? Grandma is doing you a favor, not begging to see the kids).

 

((Jill))

[mysticamethyst]

There is nothing that I can say that hasn't already been said. You need to give yourself time to feel the way you do. Losing a parent is very difficult. Just know that you are wrapped in many cyber hugs and prayers today.

[3lilreds in NC]

I don't have any great insight to add to the wonderful advice you've been given, but my heart breaks for you. What a wonderful stepmom you have. I think, given time, her new husband could grow into a wonderful grandfather, too.

[shell in SC]

How about all the girls going for an overnight, then all the boys (don't know how many of each you have) or if that's too much maybe all the littles then all the olders or something like that. Your dc would probably love it if they even got to go by themselves. I LOVED going to Grandma's by myself when I was a little. . .you got "me" time with the gp.

 

As far as date night or having a night alone with DH. . .I hope this doesn't sound harsh, but lack of alone time is something that happens when you decide to have a lot of children. You can't expect relatives to babysit your children so you can be alone with DH. . . that's something you sacrifice when you have children. When they get older you'll have all the one on one time with your spouse that you need. Again, I hope that doesn't sound harsh, but family shouldn't be "expected" to babysit.

 

HTH,

shell

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

I'm so, so sorry. Changes are amazingly hard. Passing on some hugs to you.

[KidsHappen]

Perhaps it will help to focus on some of the positives and try to work out a well that will work for all. First of all, you are so incredibly blessed to have such a great stepmom who is still part of your life and still loves your dc so much. And then doubly blessed that her new husband is so involved as well. Perhaps they can do as someone else suggested and take turns taking the children. And then if you are really good at juggling the balls you can have your parents take the others or have the older ones stay with friends. Maybe your date nights will be even more precious because of this. I know I sometimes went years without date nights because I had no one to watch the kids. I think that who I would let go first would depend on how old they are and who it means the most too. If the littles ones are too young to really know or care, let the older ones go and if the older ones are so consumed with the idea then let the younger ones go first. I am sure that it will all work out in the end because it sounds like your family all really loves each other and it willing to work at it. Just know that I am thinking of you and hoping that it is not too hard on you emotionally as you go through this. :)

[Rich with Kids]

{{{{Jill}}}} I have 5 kids. I know how precious it is to have time alone with dh. Like all night alone time. There are times I just want to be a wife. Not teacher, mother, maid, plumber, seamstress, chauffeur, etc. Just a wife. I know that's not what this is all about, but I just want you to know you are not alone here. People say to me all the time, " I don't know how you do it!" Well, I don't. I have lots of support from my dh, my parents, his parents, church family. That's the only way I could live this lifestyle. Even with the support, I still have times when I end up on my knees begging God to help me get through the day.

 

I'm so sorry you miss your dad. He sounds like a wonderful man. {{{hugs}}}

[Joanne]

{{hugs}}

 

Legitimate feelings all around on this one. No one is right or wrong.

 

I encourage you to make trade or other arrangements elsewhere so you don't have to give up date nights.

[Robin in Tx]

I really don't think Jill was *expecting* her family to babysit for her, just mourning the loss of a wonderful relationship (grandpa loved to take the kids, kids loved to go, it gave her and dh some alone time... win win all the way around). Not only did she lose her dad but she lost that entire dynamic in their lives... for her kids, and for her and her husband as well.

 

I agree that one shouldn't expect their family to babysit for them... but if a grandparent wants to have their grandkids over every once in a while, I'm all for taking advantage of that opportunity! LOL And I don't think that's at all selfish... I hope when my dd is married and has kids, I'll enjoy blessing her and my granchildren (and myself as well!) with sleepovers or weekends or maybe even entire weeks at grandma's house. And I sure hope I'll feel the same if there are only two or as many as ten kids. Not because it is expected but because these are my grandkids and *I* want the memories. My mom was like that and we miss her so much. The other grandmother wouldn't anymore spend a minute alone with my dd than have a tooth extracted. I've never expected her to babysit for me, but I am sad that the only grandmother left is the one who doesn't value a close relationshp with her granddaughter.

 

I think Jill's stepmom is fantastic for wanting to try to keep this going somehow. I hope they work out something that brings new joy back into the relationship, even if it looks completely different! Maybe I was quick to say no more sleepovers at grandmas... maybe the one on one thing would work... I was just suggesting that they quit trying to recreate the ways of the deceased grandpa, and try to find some new ways of making special memories, and if it might hurt or confuse the kids when grandma doesn't want them all at one time, to treat it more like a babysitting time than a "visit with grandma" time. And to try to continue to find ways to use this and other avenues for date night.

 

Any hoo.... I don't think one should expect a grandparent to babysit in a "take it for granted" sorta thing, but at the same time, I think that is natural to feel like you can count on your parents for that sort of involvement, if that makes any sense (because it is natural to assume that a grandparent loves their grandkids and *wants* to spend tiem with them... and I think that Jill is mourning the loss of that particular element which used to be so prevelant in their lives, and gave her some alone time with dh to boot!).

[DIY-DY]

How about all the girls going for an overnight, then all the boys (don't know how many of each you have) or if that's too much maybe all the littles then all the olders or something like that. Your dc would probably love it if they even got to go by themselves. I LOVED going to Grandma's by myself when I was a little. . .you got "me" time with the gp.

 

As far as date night or having a night alone with DH. . .I hope this doesn't sound harsh, but lack of alone time is something that happens when you decide to have a lot of children. You can't expect relatives to babysit your children so you can be alone with DH. . . that's something you sacrifice when you have children. When they get older you'll have all the one on one time with your spouse that you need. Again, I hope that doesn't sound harsh, but family shouldn't be "expected" to babysit.

 

HTH,

shell

 

Also not intending to sound harsh, but Jill has a truly fantastic stepmother, and had an absolutely fabulous father, both of whom enjoyed a very special dynamic with these children. They embraced all of them as The Whole Enchilada, and that was a beautiful gift that Jill didn't take for granted when they had it, but she sure misses tremendously now that it's gone. That's what Jill (and, from the sound of it, her stepmother) are mourning right now - the loss of that time, that special time, with the children.

 

Date night, well, that's an aside. It's one of those little things that really feels big when something else is already poking you in the head. Sort of how, when things are going downhill rapidly with the kids one day, you vent to a friend and find yourself also including that "and someone missed an ice cube on the floor and I stepped in it and now my sock is soggy!" Um... well, no, that really wasn't the point, but sometimes, in feeling overwhelmed, we do mention all the little things that are poking us under the saddle blanket at the time, or, in this case, the many, many things we'll miss. They still aren't the point, and I didn't see that as Jill's take on it, at all.

 

The point is that she misses her Dad. And this new guy is nice and all, but he's not the Man her father was, and she is sad for what the children have always had and now do not. She's sad for what her stepmother had (and loved, as well) and now does not. Not a thing selfish or over-expectant in missing that, imho. She's also not limiting the potential for this new guy to develop his own relationships with each of the children, either. But it doesn't stop her from missing some of the Really Great Things she loved in her father and stepmother's dynamic. Does that make more sense?

 

Dy

[Scarlett]

Your post made me really sad for everyone...and oddly enough I feel the most sorry for your step-mother. It is very difficult to feel 'torn' between people you love.

 

My mom married 6 years ago after being divorced for 28 years. So I know how big of an adjustment it can be. On the one hand, I'm thrilled for my mom because she was able to quit work and just enjoy her (early) retirement with a man who loves her and is very very good to her AND all of us kids/grandkids. On the other hand, her house is no longer just 'her' house, her time is not just 'her' time and well, it is an adjustment. When ever I feel a bit of resentment that I don't get the same sort of attention from her that I once did, I remember how happy I am that she is not alone.

 

Life is constantly changing and we have to change with it don't we?

[Jill- OK]

...this isn't about expectations, more about mourning the loss of something special.

 

Things will settle, and the kids will get into a routine of spending the night a few at a time (I don't know if I mentioned this earlier, but this is what they're used to with their other grandma-she only takes a few at a time, and they rotate, without it being any big deal). It's really more *me* that will have to adjust, lol, at the thought of my dad's way of doing things and ministering being gone, with him.

 

Thanks for understanding.

[Jill- OK]

...and have no fear; we go on (short) date nights regularly. This was just something that afforded us a whole night alone, once in a while. (Didn't happen that often, but was very, very nice when it did).

 

The trading sitting with other families...is just not my thing. I don't really do well with other people's kids. I'd rather do without dates, or wait until I can pay whatever is necessary for a sitter. (Even if that means going a long, loooong time, lol).

[Jill- OK]

She remarried, and the new guy asked if they could just take a few kids at a time? (For those who don't remember, no, it's not the end of the world...but my kids *and* stepmom both were used to all of them going at once, when my dad was alive, and she was crushed that she wasn't going to be able to give me a 'break' at the same time by having all of them with her. She also works a *lot*, and it might be a long, long time in between visits, so it's more practical to see all of them at once, or it might be a big stretch before she sees the others.)

 

Anyway...

 

Not long after that, I called her and said that I'd just had an idea; what if she came to our house and spent the night, here, with the kids, and dh and I got a hotel room in town, and stayed over after we went out to dinner or whatever?

 

She not only thought it was a great idea...she said her husband had suggested the same thing.

 

Before, this wouldn't have been a possibility, but now that dh is employed, we can swing a night at a hotel once every few months. And that's not something we've done in a long, loooooong time.

 

So...it all worked out. :-)

 

(And again, for the record, her husband does want to spend time with the kids, just in small doses, lol, or in smaller groups. And if he had the same idea as me, well...he can't be that bad, can he? ;-)

[Amy in NY]

I'm glad that it worked out.

 

And I'm a tad envious. Dh & I haven't had a night to ourselves...well, since 1997!

[PinkInTheBlue]

Jill, I do remember and that is great. What wonderful solution for you all. :) Congrats

[WTMindy]

I'm so glad this worked out!! Have fun with your hubby!!;)

[Whisperlily]

Oh, honey. I haven't read all the other replies yet, but my heart feels for you. I especially felt the sting when you mentioned how your Dad would talk about coming to get "his power." There is a special spark that is missing, and I'm sorry for your loss.

 

I know it's not the same, but I have a child who most people don't "get." For the last 15 months my Dad would take him, sometimes for a day or two at a time and DS was his shadow. They didn't have to say much, they just... *were* together. Content, bonded, loved. He'd take my DS to his shop and they'd work. They had their own language without words. For my struggling DS, my Dad was a solace. My DH loves our son, and he's very good with him. He doesn't have the same depth of understanding as my Dad, and since we moved away from where my parents live, I feel like my DS is feeling the grief silently... almost like a death.

 

It's not silly, what you're feeling at all. I know my situation isn't the same, but it really touched me. It's okay to grieve the loss of something special. I hope you can find something that will work, even if it isn't as well. And I know you and your kids will always treasure those precious memories with Grandma and Grandpa.

[Whisperlily]

After looking back, it seems that you have found a happy substitute. I'm so glad! :)

[Robin in Tx]

Wow, they don't waste any time moving merging these threads, do they? LOL How on earth do they find such an old thread so quickly?

 

Glad it all worked out,Jill... that was a great idea! Wish I'd have thought of it :). Win win!!

 

Robin

[Elisabeth in IL]

That is great!! :D I'm glad it worked out. I bet you are looking forward to those mini-retreats with dh! ;)

[A.J. at J.A.]

She remarried, and the new guy asked if they could just take a few kids at a time? (For those who don't remember, no, it's not the end of the world...but my kids *and* stepmom both were used to all of them going at once, when my dad was alive, and she was crushed that she wasn't going to be able to give me a 'break' at the same time by having all of them with her. She also works a *lot*, and it might be a long, long time in between visits, so it's more practical to see all of them at once, or it might be a big stretch before she sees the others.)

 

Anyway...

 

Not long after that, I called her and said that I'd just had an idea; what if she came to our house and spent the night, here, with the kids, and dh and I got a hotel room in town, and stayed over after we went out to dinner or whatever?

 

She not only thought it was a great idea...she said her husband had suggested the same thing.

 

Before, this wouldn't have been a possibility, but now that dh is employed, we can swing a night at a hotel once every few months. And that's not something we've done in a long, loooooong time.

 

So...it all worked out. :-)

 

(And again, for the record, her husband does want to spend time with the kids, just in small doses, lol, or in smaller groups. And if he had the same idea as me, well...he can't be that bad, can he? ;-)

 

YEAH! That is SO wonderful! Thanks for the update.

 

Angela

[DIY-DY]

That sounds like a real treat - and I'm really tickled to know that he had the same idea. What a way to extend a little something extra as he comes to be a part of the family.

 

I'm proud of all'y'all! (And hey - a night at a hotel, to boot! WOOHOO!)

 

Dy