Poll: Good mom or bad mom behavior?

[Plucky]

15dd is finishing up 9th grade at private school. She has a test today in her hardest class. She helped in the yard most of the day Saturday, went to church Sunday. Yes, she should have studied after church but played around with her siblings. Then I told her she needed to go study and would have to miss watching Sherlock with me. "I can study during it!" Nope, after the show she starts studying feverishly. Around 11:30 I told her to go to bed, and I offered to pick her up to study for an hour before class.

 

So I will be picking her up during 2nd period. She will sit in the car and study while I plant shop. What say you? Good mom or bad mom? I'm not offering an other, sorry. :D

[Plucky]

:seeya:Well, at least it is close right now. I hope I don't go into bad mom majority while I'm gone.

[Laura Corin]

Was working in the yard her choice? Calvin is going through serious exams at present and we have lightened up on his chores.

 

Laura

[Teachin'Mine]

If she knew she'd need to have lights out at 11:30 ahead of time, and still chose to play and watch the show, I wouldn't have made the offer as it would be a natural consequence and a good learning experience. If she thought she could stay up later studying but was told to go to bed, then it's more of a gray area. I would make her school work the priority over chores, but only if she choose to study during the work time, not if she chose to just hang out instead. I have a hard time choosing between the two. :tongue_smilie: How about good mom, but poor choices made by daughter. :) I would let her know it was the last time this would be an option, and then stick to it.

[catz]

Maybe multiple bad mom in my world. :D She would have definitely studied before yard work, sibling fun, and watching Sherlock last night in my world. My oldest went to 2 years of PS, and may return to school at some point. I think that's got to be a huge priority if you are a college bound kid dependent on a good transcript. Even my 11 year old homeschooling has to get a certain amount done on a daily basis before he can do what he wants and occasionally that will carry over to the weekend for him (although I will say, he has learned his lesson this way and is much better about independently getting his work done now).

 

Anyway, no judgement here but that's how things normally roll here. I know how mother's day combined with a beautiful weekend can make for chaos! My kids usually practice music once on the weekend (either Sat or Sun) and my 7 year old didn't get that done this weekend either.

Edited May 14, 2012 by kck

[Changed]

I voted bad mom, however, I would have done the same thing probably. :001_unsure:

 

Dh thinks I'm too easy on dd, and I probably am...

[Rebecca VA]

You're showing mercy to her, just like the Lord. But you need to warn her that this won't happen again.

[swellmomma]

I would have put the priority on her studying on Saturday rather than having her working in the yard.

[tntgoodwin]

IMO, 9th grade is definitely old enough to be taking responsibility for herself. She should know when/if she needs to study, and do that. If she chooses not to, she will get the grade she has earned.

 

OTOH, if you forbade her to study, and made her do yard work and play, then it would probably be your fault. :D

[catz]

Another question - how did you pull her out of school for one period? Did you tell the school she was going to go study for another test for an hour? I have a hard time a school would be ok with that as an excused absence? But if they are, then great, carry on.

[regentrude]

Bad.

With an important test, I would have had my kid study instead of doing yard work.

Also, at age 15, I'd let DD manage her own time. I would advise against studying late at night, but I would not enforce a lights out, and I would absolutely not encourage her to skip classes.

[Haiku]

In my opinion, you made her issue yours and then attempted to rescue her from her poor choices.

 

As that is something with which we have struggled mightily with our dd17, I'm not in favor of that.

 

But your relationship and dynamics might be completely different, so I really can't say whether you did a good or a bad thing. Depends on the kid and situation.

 

Tara

[creekland]

I'd have had mine start studying on Saturday (or well before then) interspersed with yardwork (breaking up activities/time is BETTER for retaining info - not worse).

 

The only time I had mine stay home in order to study for a test is right after he had a major cluster of epilepsy seizures at youth group and was in the ER until after midnight. He was fine the next morning, but I didn't want him to stress out or get a bad grade.

 

Personally, I figure it's better that they learn time management over being "rescued." AND, last minute studying/cramming rarely is effective anyway. It might convey some short term memorization, but seldom long term knowledge.

[tntgoodwin]

And now, what is she missing during 2nd period?

[SonshineLearner]

I didn't vote... studying comes before everything else, here. My daughter would have had to tell me about studying, and declined helping/watching movies. Here.... even watching a movie would come before helping in the yard, as you do need some mental down time. By highschool, they're responsible to get studying down and are responsible for reminding us if they haven't studied for tests...

[Parrothead]

Around here dd and I would have become study buddies for the weekend. I would have given her an hour after school Friday once dh was home. Then at a minimum an hour a day Saturday and Sunday for studying.

[Mary in VA]

Bad.

With an important test, I would have had my kid study instead of doing yard work.

Also, at age 15, I'd let DD manage her own time. I would advise against studying late at night, but I would not enforce a lights out, and I would absolutely not encourage her to skip classes.

 

:iagree:

[Catwoman]

Around here dd and I would have become study buddies for the weekend. I would have given her an hour after school Friday once dh was home. Then at a minimum an hour a day Saturday and Sunday for studying.

 

That's a very good idea.

[Catwoman]

15dd is finishing up 9th grade at private school. She has a test today in her hardest class. She helped in the yard most of the day Saturday, went to church Sunday. Yes, she should have studied after church but played around with her siblings. Then I told her she needed to go study and would have to miss watching Sherlock with me. "I can study during it!" Nope, after the show she starts studying feverishly. Around 11:30 I told her to go to bed, and I offered to pick her up to study for an hour before class.

 

So I will be picking her up during 2nd period. She will sit in the car and study while I plant shop. What say you? Good mom or bad mom? I'm not offering an other, sorry. :D

 

If the studying was so important, why was she doing yard work on Saturday? :confused:

 

I think a lot of mistakes were made throughout the weekend, but I still voted Good Mom because I can see myself doing the same thing (well, not the yard work, because none of us does any of that :tongue_smilie:,) but then wanting to help her at the last minute, and making sure she had that extra hour to study.

[laundrycrisis]

If the school has no problem with you doing this, and she is not missing anything that is going to be a problem in 2nd period, I think it rocks ! I sometimes did this in college - skipped a lecture I really would not benefit from, that I could get the notes for from someone else, in order to study for a test or quiz in a class later that day. I wish K-12 schools could be more like college. Sometimes it works out best to skip a class.

[Unicorn.]

In my opinion, you made her issue yours and then attempted to rescue her from her poor choices.

 

As that is something with which we have struggled mightily with our dd17, I'm not in favor of that.

 

But your relationship and dynamics might be completely different, so I really can't say whether you did a good or a bad thing. Depends on the kid and situation.

Tara

 

This, in bold. I can't say you made a bad choice, or a good one. I wouldn't have enforced lights out. My ds is in 9th grade, and has had to pull a few all nighters this year. Partly for messing around, partly for being overloaded, and always partially because of his AD/HD. While they are old enough to start taking on responsibility for these things, they still need our help and guidance; some more than others, some times more than others. I think you are a good mom who wants her dd to succeed. And I feel your frustration in where to draw the line at times. My ds was absent twice this year. Once for my dad's funeral, and the other because I let him take a mental health day. But he had to use that day to catch up on homework. :D

[Kathryn]

Bad.

With an important test, I would have had my kid study instead of doing yard work.

Also, at age 15, I'd let DD manage her own time. I would advise against studying late at night, but I would not enforce a lights out, and I would absolutely not encourage her to skip classes.

 

:iagree: It sounds like there were many bad choices made over the weekend in regards to studying and I don't think rescuing her at this point makes that any better. And what is she missing by being pulled out to do what she should have been doing last week and this weekend while she was doing yard work, playing, watching tv, having enforced lights out, and whatever else happened?

[SailorMom]

I don't really think it's "bad" so to speak, and I'm sure she appreciated it. Not the end of the world, anyway.

However, I'd allow my kid to do badly on the test. Otherwise, said kid will expect mom and dad to bail them out when they make bad choices... the whole "natural consequences" thing.

[Joyofsixreboot]

I want other, wah! I'd have let her sink. She'd study next time.

[justamouse]

You were a horrible, awful, mother.

 

I know NO adults who procrastinate. None. We are adults, and therefore perfect. We never overeat, we always keep our house clean, my laundry is always done and I sweep out my garage weekly. My checkbook is balanced all the time, and I am always working on what I SHOULD be working on.

 

Procrastination is a character flaw of childhood, and you should treat her as a two year old until she learns her lesson.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

;)

[chepyl]

I think it is fine to skip class every now and then. I skipped a whole day of school to do laundry and go clothing shopping with my mom. We had a crazy weekend and I really had nothing that fit dress code to wear to school, except this one hideous outfit. The pants were a little too short and the shirt was from Walmart. No bigggie now, but at my private high school with label conscious classmates....I had a breakdown.

 

Tell her this is her one mommy bailout. My sister and I each got one a year. If we left homework at home she would bring it to us once, or stay up late and type a paper while I dictated once, call in sick for one day to get caught up on a project or sleep. One a year. It was nice to know we had some help in a pinch....but the aecond time....we were on our own.

[Tasia]

That actually sounds like something I would do. :001_unsure:

 

I remember a few times in high school going to my dad's office with him in the morning to finish math assignments that were due that day. His office was close to my school, so I'd walk over when I was done. I thought he was a pretty cool dad for letting me do that.

[laundrycrisis]

You were a horrible, awful, mother.

 

I know NO adults who procrastinate. None. We are adults, and therefore perfect. We never overeat, we always keep our house clean, my laundry is always done and I sweep out my garage weekly. My checkbook is balanced all the time, and I am always working on what I SHOULD be working on.

 

Procrastination is a character flaw of childhood, and you should treat her as a two year old until she learns her lesson.

;)

 

:lol:

[Plucky]

Oh man, I got slaughtered here. LOL She missed Bible class & they were watching a movie with a sub - total coincidence. This is the only time this will happen. I told my kids that you guys voted bad mom - my oldest agreed with you (I cannot count the times I ran things to him at school until I finally drew the line). My younger 3 think I am good mom.

 

If it makes you feel any better, this is a difficult teacher. I make her stay with the teacher because life isn't fair. Yeah, I may not be consistent all the time. I give my kids way too many chances but considering how great they are I don't think I'm totally blowing it. I did make a memory for her though.

 

Oh, I also plan on taking her out for a whole day and going to the zoo as a family. I'm afraid hsing spoiled me.

[Plucky]

You were a horrible, awful, mother.

 

I know NO adults who procrastinate. None. We are adults, and therefore perfect. We never overeat, we always keep our house clean, my laundry is always done and I sweep out my garage weekly. My checkbook is balanced all the time, and I am always working on what I SHOULD be working on.

 

Procrastination is a character flaw of childhood, and you should treat her as a two year old until she learns her lesson.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

;)

 

:grouphug:

[Danestress]

and came here hoping to be told you are a good mom? Lol. You are crazy:)

[Annie G]

Taking her out to study for the test could go either way- it could be showing grace and hoping she learns to prioritize, or it could be a 'mom will rescue you' lesson. If it was a difficult test, I can't imagine an hour just before the test was enough time unless she didn't really need to study.

 

The zoo trip is another thing altogether though. She's in high school and it's a trip to the zoo- she should be in school. Unless it's like the last day of school or something, it's kind of disrespectful to pull her out and expect teachers to provide make-up work.

[Plucky]

and came here hoping to be told you are a good mom? Lol. You are crazy:)

 

I know. :D

[Wheres Toto]

With an important test, I would have had my kid study instead of doing yard work.

Also, at age 15, I'd let DD manage her own time. I would advise against studying late at night, but I would not enforce a lights out, and I would absolutely not encourage her to skip classes.

 

:iagree:

Although I don't think it makes you a bad mom. Sometimes the weekends get away from us. I would have let her stay up late studying but made her attend all her classes.

 

I have been known to run things to school for my daughter, type or print things for her, or allow her mental health days but figuring out how to get her work done and studying for tests has been on her for a long time. Partially by necessity - she spends every other week at her dads house and it would be impossible for me to keep track of her projects and tests.

 

The past few years she had dance and work (and cheerleading during football season) and had to make sure she was very on top of her schoolwork. I wasn't going to stay up half the night helping her or making sure she did it but she knew that if her grades suffered, she would have to start cutting things out to allow her more time to study.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Oh, I also plan on taking her out for a whole day and going to the zoo as a family. I'm afraid hsing spoiled me.

 

Well, my tutoring student is at an amusement park today instead of studying. She's behind (by many years) but hs'ing has spoiled her family!

 

If you're going to send her to school, Mama, set her up for success. That means supporting her and encouraging her to go to class when class is scheduled, and to get her homework done on time.

 

I don't think you're a bad mom, and I don't think my student's mom is bad. I do think we all have to learn about priorities sometimes.

[Plucky]

Well, my tutoring student is at an amusement park today instead of studying. She's behind (by many years) but hs'ing has spoiled her family!

 

If you're going to send her to school, Mama, set her up for success. That means supporting her and encouraging her to go to class when class is scheduled, and to get her homework done on time.

 

I don't think you're a bad mom, and I don't think my student's mom is bad. I do think we all have to learn about priorities sometimes.

 

Oh, my dd is in honors and has straight As. She does get overly stress about grades though. I have always been very consistent with schoolwork. I like to be flexible though as well.

 

This weekend we planted many, many plants and flowers. I don't regret it. Academics are always very important to me, but family and relationship is more so. :001_smile:

[Plucky]

Oh, I wanted to add that I can remember the rules being the rules growing up. I sometimes resented it. I wanted my parent to see me for me and not just worry about the rules. So that probably colors my choice as well.

[creekland]

Oh, I also plan on taking her out for a whole day and going to the zoo as a family. I'm afraid hsing spoiled me.

 

This would be an excused absence at our school - as long as you let them know in advance (pre-arranged absence). Zoos are educational. ;)

[Plucky]

This would be an excused absence at our school - as long as you let them know in advance (pre-arranged absence). Zoos are educational. ;)

 

There is an aquarium there, too.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

People don't have to choose between academics and family relationships. That's a false paradigm.

 

Being flexible on your part means more work to make up for it on your daughter's part, and frustration for her teachers when she's not in class or not prepared.

 

I'm glad she gets good grades and you don't want her to stress out. Why that necessitates blowing off studying for tests, skipping classes with Mom's help and approval, and playing hooky at the zoo for a whole day at the end of the school year is a little beyond my appreciation right now.

[SKL]

I wouldn't do it. I don't like to call anyone "bad mom," so read my vote as "wrong choice" (since you asked).

 

If there were something really unavoidable and not her fault, I might have relented. But she played with her sibs and watched TV. She needs to find out whether or not that was a good idea - and your telling her one thing while doing another is not likely to teach her anything.

 

ETA: I come from a background where parents never, ever provided any particular input or support regarding tests. My parents didn't even know when I had tests. It was 100% on me to decide whether and how much to study. I was a good student, though not a perfect one. But I never considered a student "perfect" if her "success" was partly due to her parents' involvement. So that's kind of where I am on that.

Edited May 14, 2012 by SKL

[Plucky]

People don't have to choose between academics and family relationships. That's a false paradigm.

 

Being flexible on your part means more work to make up for it on your daughter's part, and frustration for her teachers when she's not in class or not prepared.

 

I'm glad she gets good grades and you don't want her to stress out. Why that necessitates blowing off studying for tests, skipping classes with Mom's help and approval, and playing hooky at the zoo for a whole day at the end of the school year is a little beyond my appreciation right now.

 

That's okay. I'm the mom here and I'm fine with my choice. The studying during a class period won't happen again, so I don't think there is any harm done. I find that being too rigid comes with it's own complications.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

That's okay. I'm the mom here and I'm fine with my choice. The studying during a class period won't happen again, so I don't think there is any harm done. I find that being too rigid comes with it's own complications.

 

I choose alternative and not-generally-approved options for my kids pretty often and am not rigid, so no need to set up that false paradigm, either.

 

But if you're very comfortable with your choice and proud of it, why'd you ask?

[Plucky]

I choose alternative and not-generally-approved options for my kids pretty often and am not rigid, so no need to set up that false paradigm, either.

 

But if you're very comfortable with your choice and proud of it, why'd you ask?

 

I wish you wouldn't take this personally. I don't necessarily agree with your false paradigm proclamations. I asked because I was curious. I'm not offended in the least by the opinions here. I don't necessarily agree though either. :001_smile:

[catz]

I choose alternative and not-generally-approved options for my kids pretty often and am not rigid, so no need to set up that false paradigm, either.

 

But if you're very comfortable with your choice and proud of it, why'd you ask?

 

:iagree: you did put it out there. :001_smile: It's also being flexible allowing your child to bow out of a couple hours of yard work to study for a test. I love the flexibility of homeschooling too. That's why I'm still homeschooling. My kid was in k and 1st when he went to school, but we still honored the school calendar and schedule.

[Plucky]

I don't consider it the end of the world. But it does sound like you didn't allow her enough time to study and you felt guilty about it. I could totally be misinterpreting that. At this point her number one job is school. The yard work can wait. So what if she stays up late one night to study some more.

 

She's been going like crazy lately. She's in sports, volunteers, in activities, is gone a lot and still keeps her grades up. Yes, I was sympathetic. I felt my girl needed a break.

[Plucky]

:iagree: you did put it out there. :001_smile: It's also being flexible allowing your child to bow out of a couple hours of yard work to study for a test. I love the flexibility of homeschooling too. That's why I'm still homeschooling. My kid was in k and 1st when he went to school, but we still honored the school calendar and schedule.

 

Well, we had a great time gardening together. Something we haven't been able to do in quite a while. I didn't want her to miss out. We don't get to spend as much time together as we used to. I don't have a problem with taking her out one day to go to the zoo.

[kathymuggle]

I voted good mom.

 

I think it is Ok if it happens on occasion. Let's face it - sometimes studying for a test is more important than a class. My son was away from school for a week - he missed a lot in 2 classes, and very little in the other 2.

 

Sometimes yard work, sleeping and even playing with siblings is more important that studying. My 10th grade son has a lot of homework, and these downtime activities are important. Balance is a good thing in life.

 

As long as you do not fall into the habit of rescuing her, I have no issues with what you did.

[Plucky]

I voted good mom.

 

I think it is Ok if it happens on occasion. Let's face it - sometimes studying for a test is more important than a class. My son was away from school for a week - he missed a lot in 2 classes, and very little in the other 2.

 

Sometimes yard work, sleeping and even playing with siblings is more important that studying. My 10th grade son has a lot of homework, and these downtime activities are important. Balance is a good thing in life.

 

As long as you do not fall into the habit of rescuing her, I have no issues with what you did.

 

Thanks. I know that we all parent differently. I do not rescue her very often. :001_smile: Gotta go chauffeur kids!

[CatholicMom]

I think you were being merciful and loving to her after she made some not-so-wise choices. If you did it all the time, I would say you're enabling her and being a "bad mom," etc, etc. But if this is an infrequent thing and especially if she appreciates what you're doing to help her out, I think you're being a loving mom. What good does it do to say, "tough luck, you're going to do terrible on your test" if she's already smart enough to know she would be in deep doo-doo if it weren't for you being merciful this time. As long as you remind her that this won't be a reoccurring thing and you expect that next time she'll use her time more wisely, I think there's no harm in it and she will possibly respect you more / appreciate you more for being there for her to help her out when she makes mistakes.