What to do about a child who fights about showering...

[Brigitte]

Has anyone else had to deal with a child who fights you tooth and nail about showering? My dd is 10 going on 11 and has experienced body changes this year including starting her period, which makes me think it has mostly to do with that. I only require her to shower once a week ( more often when she really needs it or when there is a special event). It is a battle to get even that accomplished. I am at my wits end with it. I have considered just seeing how long she will go without showering, but I am not sure that is the solution either. Help! I don't want to deal with this anymore.

[TN Mama]

Yes, my 11 yo dd also fights me about showering. I do, however, require a shower every other day. Her hair is oily at the scalp and without washing her hair... well, it's not pleasant to look at. We've discussed that being clean is a public service to those around you, whether or not you want to be clean, it's not nice to assault the noses of those around you simply because you do not want to take 5 minutes to wash. :D

 

She knows she has to take a shower every other day, yet she still will try to put it off - every.single.time. It's worse in the summer - sunscreen, bug spray, cholorine... any of those require a daily shower. <insert evil laugh>

[In The Great White North]

Swim team?

[Bang!Zoom!]

Something that helps here is that I go in and treat her hair with products at bath time.

 

Lots and lots of girly goo stuff, conditioners, shampoos, sort of like spa stuff. We finish up with warm towels/robe/jammies out of the dryer and go through a routine of skin care.

 

It's a girly / mom / spa thing. She enjoys the attention and talk. She'll spend a ton of time in there compared to if I just send her in on her own. She likes the pampering from mama.

[Renthead Mommy]

I threatened the Mrs. Piggle Wiggle radish cure. He was younger at the time and had more of a fear that I would really do it and it would really work. By 10 they've lost that fear.

 

Summer's coming. There is always threaten to just take the hose to her if needed.

 

Granted we thought that was great back when we camped, so that may be less help! LOL!

[Cinder]

When ds2 did this we cut him off from using the computer--no computer until after your shower. That's what worked here. Perhaps if you treat it like any other disobedience?

 

Something else I just thought of--does your dd have sensory issues? A friend's ds, who has sensory issues, will not take showers but is glad to take a bath when he needs one. Maybe your dd would prefer baths?

[Cera]

When my 7 year old went through this phase I simply told her she needed to take a shower and I expected it to be done before she did anything else. The first few days she sat in the bathroom for hours before finally giving in but once she realized that it is one of the things we must do in life whether we like it or not she fairly quickly got over her resistance.

[JessReplanted]

At 10, I would have her showering every night. And refusing to shower is not an option. Meals, privileges, etc. would not be happening if my child was refusing to shower.

 

:grouphug:

 

ETA: I don't endorse starving children. But, I'm not beyond telling a child that dinner will be served after she showers.

[Elm in NJ]

Why is she showering only once a week? In my house, you wake up every morning and shower or you shower at night. It is just something they do- no requirements , no bribes. They just do it. My now 13 year old went through a stage between 8yrs and 11years when he would actually go in the bathroom and come back out a few minutes later., as dry as ever. You ask him if he took a shower, he will say 'Oh, I forgot'! And I'll just send him back in.

 

Now at 13, he spends the longest time in the bathroom. He tells me he is making up for all the years he' forgot' to shower.

[Brigitte]

When ds2 did this we cut him off from using the computer--no computer until after your shower. That's what worked here. Perhaps if you treat it like any other disobedience?

 

Something else I just thought of--does your dd have sensory issues? A friend's ds, who has sensory issues, will not take showers but is glad to take a bath when he needs one. Maybe your dd would prefer baths?

 

The only thing I can take away is riding. They don't get screen time and she doesn't do any other activities. Baths are not any better. She has the option of either a bath or shower; she prefers showers to baths. This didn't use to be a problem.

[MomatHWTK]

I have quirky kids with various sensory issues, so I'm ok with bribery. :) Choose a quiet time, sit down with her and tell her that this is something that must be done. Choose your requirement for how many times per week, etc. Though daily, IMO, would keep you from having to renegotiate later. Then talk to her about what she needs emotionally, mentally, etc. to make that happen. By this I don't mean the bribe, but more of an open ended "why" discussion. Don't pressure or argue with the reasons she gives, just listen. Then explain that even though she has these reasons, you both still need to work together to make this happen.

 

I try my best to treat the issues as: You have a problem, I am going to help you work through it because that's my job as your mom. Because really, especially for my oldest DS, he can't overcome the issues on his own.

 

For my DD, btw, it's teeth brushing. :glare:

[Butter]

My 12 year old doesn't like getting in the shower and practically has to be forced, but once she gets in there it's hard to get her back out. Our rule is she can't go anywhere without showering within the previous 24 hours. There are places she really, really wants to go so she takes a couple showers a week and I'm fine with that.

[Brigitte]

Why is she showering only once a week?

 

Both girls have had problems with eczema since infancy, so they have never bathed daily. Their skin would be a total wreck if they did. Body odor is not a big issue this time of year, especially since she uses deodorant. She should be on an every day schedule at this point, but there is only so much battling I can do. :glare:

[Brigitte]

My 12 year old doesn't like getting in the shower and practically has to be forced, but once she gets in there it's hard to get her back out. Our rule is she can't go anywhere without showering within the previous 24 hours. There are places she really, really wants to go so she takes a couple showers a week and I'm fine with that.

 

Well, that is basically how it works here, but it is still a battle most of the time. The one place she really wants to go to is riding. Telling her she has to have showered within 24 of going riding doesn't work all that well, since everyone would really prefer that she shower AFTER riding. :tongue_smilie:

[Mom0012]

Yes, my son fought me when he first started to need to take showers more frequently. I just remained firm and refused to argue about it. Now, he never complains. He always sings and fools around forever in there, so once he's in, he's fine.

 

Lisa

[Parrothead]

The only thing I can take away is riding. They don't get screen time and she doesn't do any other activities. Baths are not any better. She has the option of either a bath or shower; she prefers showers to baths. This didn't use to be a problem.

Well, then take away the riding. It will probably only take a time or two.

[Brigitte]

I have quirky kids with various sensory issues, so I'm ok with bribery. :) Choose a quiet time, sit down with her and tell her that this is something that must be done. Choose your requirement for how many times per week, etc. Though daily, IMO, would keep you from having to renegotiate later. Then talk to her about what she needs emotionally, mentally, etc. to make that happen. By this I don't mean the bribe, but more of an open ended "why" discussion. Don't pressure or argue with the reasons she gives, just listen. Then explain that even though she has these reasons, you both still need to work together to make this happen.

 

I try my best to treat the issues as: You have a problem, I am going to help you work through it because that's my job as your mom. Because really, especially for my oldest DS, he can't overcome the issues on his own.

 

For my DD, btw, it's teeth brushing. :glare:

 

I have tried this. Her "why" is that she just doesn't like it, which is not very helpful. :glare: I guess I will just keep trying to get through.

[laundrycrisis]

Here, there are two options. You either wash yourself when required, or I do it, by my chosen method. I will follow through, and they know it, because I have done it. I would not tolerate a child bathing that infrequently, and I would not accept any resistance to bathing.

[Brigitte]

Swim team?

 

:lol: It might come to that. :tongue_smilie:

[Brigitte]

Well, then take away the riding. It will probably only take a time or two.

 

I do. And she will eventually get in the shower, but not without drama, shouting, tears, etc. first.

[Lolly]

Both girls have had problems with eczema since infancy, so they have never bathed daily. Their skin would be a total wreck if they did. Body odor is not a big issue this time of year, especially since she uses deodorant. She should be on an every day schedule at this point, but there is only so much battling I can do. :glare:

 

I have one with eczema too. She is 19 now. She also showers about once a week. it is so much better for their skin. She is also allergic to all soaps and cannot ever use it. She does have a couple of shampoos she can tolerate and washes her hair when she showers. (With lots of rinsing!) People really do not need all this washing that our culture likes so much.

 

 

Well, that is basically how it works here, but it is still a battle most of the time. The one place she really wants to go to is riding. Telling her she has to have showered within 24 of going riding doesn't work all that well, since everyone would really prefer that she shower AFTER riding. :tongue_smilie:

 

Okay, here you go, tell her she has to shower as soon as she gets home from riding or she has to miss the next lesson. Give her 30 minutes after arriving home. Call and cancel her next lesson. Don't argue. Don't fuss. Don't insist. If she doesn't shower, it will not hurt her or any of you. I have a feeling that after she misses a lesson or two she will start hopping in the shower as soon as she gets home from her lesson. I would not ask her to shower any other time. It really is not good for her.

[AuntieM]

Introduce her to a cute guy. :D

 

(or in our case, a cute girl)

 

Honestly, ten is kind of young for that as a strategy. But one day it may be a helpful factor.

[stripe]

People really do not need all this washing that our culture likes so much.

 

I understand not wanting to bathe or having skin problems, but there's no need to imply bathing is some sort of sinful indulgence or extraneous extra. ;) Different people have different habits. Some people do need to bathe more than once a week. I sure do. Yikes.

 

My husband is from another country, and everyone there bathes twice a day. Everyone. I have gotten medicine to use in the bath, and the doctor, nurses, and pharmacists ALL referred to the kids' two daily baths. I am the eccentric American who only bathes her kids once a day.

[Parrothead]

I do. And she will eventually get in the shower, but not without drama, shouting, tears, etc. first.

That is a separate issue that needs to be addressed as one would a 2-year old having a fit - however that works in your house.

[LeslieAnneLevine]

The only thing I can take away is riding. They don't get screen time and she doesn't do any other activities. Baths are not any better. She has the option of either a bath or shower; she prefers showers to baths. This didn't use to be a problem.

 

In that case is there something you can give instead?

 

I don't give my son a reward to take showers, but if he had other issues and/or it was a big struggle, I would consider it.

 

I don't think it's a bad thing to be able to be rewarded with a little something after doing something you don't like. I know I reward myself sometimes (usually with a pot of tea or watching a dvd or something).

 

 

Also, and maybe you already do this, it helps my son if I get his shower ready and then he can just hop in.

[gardenmom5]

sounds sensory.

 

My daughter described herself as a cat - she hates water.

 

she was also a very reluctant showerer. she's had to make a number of dietary changes for her health - and it's made a big impact on her tolerance for water.

 

gluten sensitivity is a biggie.

[helena]

Wow this thread is making me feel much better about my bathing battles with my 10yo daughter! :001_smile: There's something nice about knowing it's a normal-ish thing for the age.

 

Since your daughter has started her period I would start with insisting she showers everyday for that week. I'd have a (private) talk with her about the importance of cleanliness during this time and the results of not being clean. I would also point out that this is a great way to relieve body aches and that yucky sticky feeling that a period can bring. Period week and daily showering are non-negotiable for me.

 

Hopefully with time, maturing, and seeing friends or sisters enjoying grooming, they will want to explore it too.

 

I don't think that it's about being right or wrong about how often you bathe. I think the focus should be on your personal responsibility to not add excessive amounts of foul odor to the world, be it from breath, pits, period, your rear end, or scalp.

 

I don't think you have to smell like a Bath & Body store. I think there are great natural options to keep odor manageable. I do think though, that no one wants to smell each others periods or heavy BO.

 

Good luck mom... to both of us actually! :D I just know this will pass too.

 

ETA: How about a bird bath every other day or so? That's my compromise sometimes. I just tell her to wash the important stuff, in and out in two minutes. A bird bath never seems quite as oppressive. :)

Edited April 26, 2012 by helena

[VeganCupcake]

What about having her do a "spit bath" with a cloth and sink full of water on certain days for the sake of her eczema? You know, face, neck, underarms, euphemistic parts front and back, and feet?

[laundrycrisis]

 

ETA: How about a bird bath every other day or so? That's my compromise sometimes. I just tell her to wash the important stuff, in and out in two minutes. A bird bath never seems quite as oppressive. :)

 

That is my normal daily hygiene, due to my own dry skin, and it's with water that is just barely warm, not hot. This is how I have DS1 bathe as well. All this talk about washing not being good for you - I agree that excessive soaping, hot water, or being in the water too long is not good or necessary, but BO is not good for the people around you !!! A two minute appointment with some slightly warm water and some type of cleanser followed by a good rinse is not bad for anyone. If dryness or chemical sensitivity is a problem, use California Baby Super Sensitive or a soap-free cleanser. In times of serious dryness, an olive oil rubdown before the shower will help. Also showering is better than bathing for very dry skin because you are not sitting in the water the entire time. Also, pat dry, don't rub with the towel - rubbing wipes off more natural oils.

 

I will also say that our 9 yo sometimes find the idea of a shower overwhelming as a task, so I will help him. The parts he finds difficult are his hair and his feet. He gets assistance with those and then doesn't mind completing the rest on his own. I also get the shower going so all he has to do is get in. The whole operation takes less than five minutes.

[Pretty in Pink]

If one of my little kids starts throwing a fit I send them to their room to cool off. I guess if my 10yo acted that way I'd just do the same thing but I doubt I'd have much patience with her, honestly. Ten is a bit old to be tantruming over a weekly shower, IMO. During period week she needs to be bathing daily, especially if she is using sanitary napkins which, at ten years of age, I'm assuming she is.

 

"Sweetie, it's time for you to go take a shower now. I would like you to do so without complaining. From now on if you give me a hard time about showering I will immediately cancel your next riding lesson."

 

If you have the time and are so inclined then perhaps the girly spa thing is something she would enjoy a few nights per week.

[CupOCoffee]

This has been an interesting read, we suffer the same thing in our house with our 10 year old. You would think that I've just asked her to stick a needle in her eye when I remind her it's shower day! We shower every other day here, except for DH, he showers daily.

 

I will be trying several of these ideas. I don't get it with 10-11 year olds; I especially don't get it with girls :confused:

 

~coffee~

[stripe]

I feel like some imply that showering less than daily is sinful and disgusting. *shrug* To each their own.

I never said that. I don't care about time tables. It's about the dirt level.

 

In the case I was describing in my own life, it is disgusting not to shower daily, because everyday life leaves most people sweaty and/or dirty. That's why my in laws bathe regularly. And guess what? People still have BO. That's life.

 

Otherwise, as long as everyone can't tell it's been a week or a month since someone's last bath, fine. But if someone is scratching themself, stinks, and has a greasy slick (which is why I could never understand what was so hot about Ethan Hawke in Reality Bites), we can all tell it's been way too long. As long as someone understands that other people will be able to tell when it's been too long, they should certainly feel free to hold off on baths for as long as they want.

 

My mom once had a colleague who never brushed his teeth. She said he was an interesting guy but his teeth were covered with some fuzzy dark stuff.

[lcelmer]

Yes, my 11 yo dd also fights me about showering. I do, however, require a shower every other day. Her hair is oily at the scalp and without washing her hair... well, it's not pleasant to look at.

 

 

I have one of those too! well, mine is only 8, soon to be 9. She has a very hard time rinsing her hair, so I just do it in the sink. It is faster & better for now. She hates showers, but her hair is just too hard for her to do well, since she is not cool about putting her head in the spray. She loves to swim though. We would just use the tub for bathing, but we don't have one.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

My dd has not yet started her period, so i might be a little more pushy when she does.

 

My goal was for her to shower once weekly. It was usually thursdays so she could try and get more free time from her occupational therapist (did not work) and to be ckean for book club.

 

If she stunk i would let her know.

 

Not sure what happened, but she has showered four nights in a row! Its possible that this will. Ontinue, but if not, i will let her know if she smells.

[TN Mama]

I have one of those too! well, mine is only 8, soon to be 9. She has a very hard time rinsing her hair, so I just do it in the sink. It is faster & better for now. She hates showers, but her hair is just too hard for her to do well, since she is not cool about putting her head in the spray. She loves to swim though. We would just use the tub for bathing, but we don't have one.

 

I wash and condition dd's hair 99% of the time. She does most of it, but I check to make sure she's gotten all of the shampoo and conditioner out. We're working towards independence, but she just has so much hair!

[helena]

Don't forget about dry shampoo! Not only was it a lifesaver when we were at our worst stage of the bath battles, but I think it's strangeness (in scent and texture) pushed her to just go ahead and wash the stinky head. :tongue_smilie:

 

Sometimes we still have to use it and others she's like "No way!! I'll get in the shower right now!!"

Either way, I'm a winner. :001_smile:

[Cinder]

Don't forget about dry shampoo! Not only was it a lifesaver when we were at our worst stage of the bath battles, but I think it's strangeness (in scent and texture) pushed her to just go ahead and wash the stinky head. :tongue_smilie:

 

Thanks for the recommendation. I'd never heard of dry shampoo before. My 7yo dd freaks out when it's time to shampoo so I've been letting her get away with just rinsing her hair with water. But then she gets stinky scalp and I was trying to figure out a way to fix that. Now that I know what to look for I will give this a try.

[CupOCoffee]

Don't forget about dry shampoo! Not only was it a lifesaver when we were at our worst stage of the bath battles, but I think it's strangeness (in scent and texture) pushed her to just go ahead and wash the stinky head. :tongue_smilie:

 

Sometimes we still have to use it and others she's like "No way!! I'll get in the shower right now!!"

Either way, I'm a winner. :001_smile:

 

Link or specific recommendation? I think this might be a workable solution for us as well, combined with bird baths.

 

~coffee~

[KungFuPanda]

At 10, I would have her showering every night. And refusing to shower is not an option. Meals, privileges, etc. would not be happening if my child was refusing to shower.

 

:grouphug:

 

ETA: I don't endorse starving children. But, I'm not beyond telling a child that dinner will be served after she showers.

 

:iagree: with this. As an adult, if you don't work, you don't earn money for food. I don't WANT to cook every day, but I do it anyway. You take that shower and I'll make those eggs. Sounds fair to me.

 

 

I do. And she will eventually get in the shower, but not without drama, shouting, tears, etc. first.

 

Do you EVER cave when she protests and let her skip? If the drama works for her she has no reason to stop. Clearly, the fight is worth it if she's winning.

 

Looking at your schedule, she may not be USED to bathing and view it as optional. Can't you just make it non-negotiable 2-3 times a week? Pick a time of day when you're both rested and DO it. "it's Monday morning bath time. You can shower by yourself, or I will bathe you in the tub. Your choice. We'll eat breakfast afterwards.". She is not the boss of you! You don't want her to grow up to be that girl who doesn't know she stinks because she's used to the smell and it doesn't register with her!

Edited April 27, 2012 by KungFuPanda

[Pretty in Pink]

Thanks for the recommendation. I'd never heard of dry shampoo before. My 7yo dd freaks out when it's time to shampoo so I've been letting her get away with just rinsing her hair with water. But then she gets stinky scalp and I was trying to figure out a way to fix that. Now that I know what to look for I will give this a try.

 

Dry shampoo might get you another day or two between washings, especially witha 7yo whose hair isn't particularly greasy. Dry shampoo is a powder that you sprinkle onto the scalp and massage around to absorb excess oil -- some people use baby powder or cornstarch for this purpose. It will build up though and it does change the feel of the hair. I assume scalps get stinky because of sweat and bacteria, so you would essentially be applying a scented product to cover up the stink, kind of like putting on deodorant when you have BO instead of showering. HTH.

[helena]

Link or specific recommendation? I think this might be a workable solution for us as well, combined with bird baths.

 

~coffee~

 

Here's a thread I started at the time: http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=334009&highlight=shampoo