Impish Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 Soooo... MIL called Tues. Announced that she had a class reunion to attend in our province in June, and would be fitting us in at the end of her trip. Wolf told her that he didn't think that would work w/our schedule, *and* told her that she was being rude, telling us we had to be available for her...that the right thing to do if you want to visit someone is to *ask* when would work for them. He went on to explain to her that his busy season at work would be in full swing in June, that he has to work at least every other wknd, is on probation at work til Sept, and simply cannot be taking time off. She told him that she could only make one trip this year, and wasn't going to miss her reunion. Either he makes himself available, or she wouldn't see us this yr. Fine. We talked about it, looked at the calendar, and there's simply no way the wknd she's demanding will work. Btwn his schedule, my trip back to our old city (5 hrs each way) to see my pain specialist, him having to work an extra wknd to make up for those 2 days off, plus the fact that he's the supervisor and has to be on call even when he's not there on the wknds, it simply will not work. Add in the fact that MIL plans to have her sister drive her all over the province...and we've had nothing to do w/this sister in 6 yrs...ever since she spent over an hour claiming that Tazzie shouldn't be blonde and blue eyed b/c Wolf is so dark, that it wasn't possible for Wolf to have a blonde blue eyed baby...I asked Wolf, "Is it just me, or was she accusing me of fooling around on you?" to which he answered, "Yeah, pretty much!" I refuse to have anything to do w/that hag, let alone have her in my home for a visit! And since she lives several hrs away from us, it would be expected/demanded. So, she was told firmly yesterday it wouldn't work, we're not available. Honestly, Wolf's very hurt that her class reunion is more important than he is (she made it very clear that missing out on seeing him and the kids was 'oh well' but missing the reunion would be horrific) and even explaining that he could take time off the end of Sept if she came then didn't have her consideration for a moment. She wants what she wants, and that he couldn't risk losing his job by taking time off was waved off by her...Her attitude being he was just being difficult. *sigh* Personally, it's a relief not to have her coming for me. But to once again make it clear to Wolf that he's not a priority for her (something that he's always felt) bothers him. I wish I had a magic solution for him, but I know all I can do is support him as best I can, and be there to listen. Bah. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jrn Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 :grouphug: I totally understand your dh feelings of not being anywhere near a priority for your mom. I have that with my mom too. But, what a relief it is not to have her over anymore! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theYoungerMrsWarde Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 Is :party: the wrong response? Because of all I've read about your MIL, it sounds like you're much better off not having to have her visit for a whole year! And not having to see the aunt, too. :grouphug: to your husband for not feeling loved. That stinks. But better her not caring at a distance, than not caring right in your face in your home, right? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 Well, she can't miss her reunion, because it's full of people that don't know her extremely well and she can say whatever she wants about her life and live up her drama! Ya'll just aren't as fun as that LOL! I'm sorry that this hurts Wolf though. And pa-tooey on that aunt...she obviously is misled in thinking that dominant genes trump all in the roll of genetic dice. Nope, those recessives can come through loud and clear at times ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 I feel bad for Wolf. :( But, also glad for you that you don't have to deal with a MIL visit or have to put up with his nasty aunt... I'm amazed that someone would have the cojones to say stuff like that - for an hour! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 Wolf deserves a round of applause for standing his ground with his mother. And as for you... :party: You must be so happy she's not coming! (I mean, I know you feel sorry for Wolf because his mom chose a reunion over seeing him, but it would be hard not to be celebrating a little when no one is looking. :D) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 Wolf deserves a round of applause for standing his ground with his mother. And as for you... :party: You must be so happy she's not coming! (I mean, I know you feel sorry for Wolf because his mom chose a reunion over seeing him, but it would be hard not to be celebrating a little when no one is looking. :D) :iagree::D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted April 13, 2012 Author Share Posted April 13, 2012 Yeah, the aunt's a piece of work. It wasn't til I offered to give her a crash course in genetics that she shut up. Honestly, I think that MIL babbled about it to her, and she was just parroting back what MIL had said...basing this on the fact that MIL sat there smirking while her sister went on and on. As for being happy she isn't coming...that's where life gets confusing. Frankly, *both* Wolf and I are relieved about it. She's just so freakin nasty when she's here. Last time she was here for a wknd, I deliberately kept track...and not ONCE all wknd did she say anything nice. At all. To anyone. So, while he's relieved on one level, he's still hurt on another...she's just reinforced his feelings about not mattering to her. As he put it at one point, he's a show dog for her. Brought out to parade about when it gets her 'ribbons', tossed in a kennel and ignored when there's nobody around to 'oooh' and 'ahhh' over him. Ever since he can remember. And being a gma just gives her more 'dogs' to show off. (Apologies to those who do show dogs for the analogy. Wolf and I realize that that doesn't really happen w/ppl that show their dogs) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truscifi Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 Wolf deserves a round of applause for standing his ground with his mother. And as for you... :party: You must be so happy she's not coming! (I mean, I know you feel sorry for Wolf because his mom chose a reunion over seeing him, but it would be hard not to be celebrating a little when no one is looking. :D) :iagree: Good for Wolf, and it sounds like you dodged a bullet anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted April 13, 2012 Author Share Posted April 13, 2012 :iagree: Good for Wolf, and it sounds like you dodged a bullet anyway. Yeah, he's def changed since we were first married...he was used to ignoring and enduring before. Both our mothers are so freaking similar in that they fit NPD traits as though they were tailor made. We're in different places though. My mother hasn't bothered w/me for a while...she called once after getting the email w/our new contact info, and hasn't bothered since. No checking to see how the move went, how we were doing, how the new job was, nada. I've given up. I *know* she was expecting me to call for Easter. I didn't. I'm done w/the one sided relationship. Just completely done. She's proven that she's not interested in being a gma except for brief periods when it suits her. When we buy a house, hopefully this fall, I don't intend to tell her, even if it means we change our ph#. I feel totally at peace w/it. No hurt, no anger, just done. Wolf isn't in that place yet. He may never be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted April 14, 2012 Share Posted April 14, 2012 You don't think she might just show up that weekend anyway, do you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted April 14, 2012 Share Posted April 14, 2012 You don't think she might just show up that weekend anyway, do you? The thought crossed my mind as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted April 14, 2012 Author Share Posted April 14, 2012 You don't think she might just show up that weekend anyway, do you? We've both thought of that, and consider it a possibility. I figure at the least, she'll call and go, 'aha! You ARE home!' Thankfully, we have caller ID. And we may just go camping at Wolf's work that wknd ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisbeth Posted April 14, 2012 Share Posted April 14, 2012 Sounds like it worked out for the best, honestly. Cut her off! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntieM Posted April 14, 2012 Share Posted April 14, 2012 Hey Imp, good to see you back! May your dust settle well. :D I actually understand the conflicted feelings. Much as you want to do the happy-dance-of-relief, underlying it all there is a sense of mourning that there aren't normal relationships in place. Even so, that's not your fault, it's just the hand that's been dealt. I know you know better than to let it make you bitter (ha! That's what I tell *myself* every time we deal with one of our loved one's "episodes"!). Anyway, you just treat Wolf extra special. And do a little jig in the corner when he's not looking. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jelbe5 Posted April 14, 2012 Share Posted April 14, 2012 (edited) Wow . . . Both women are a piece of work . . . :eek: I am so sorry it hurts Wolf . . . I am amazed and happy for you and Wolf that you have created a loving family in spite of your moms' personalities ... it says a lot about both of you . . . :grouphug: Edited April 14, 2012 by jelbe5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted April 14, 2012 Author Share Posted April 14, 2012 Hey Imp, good to see you back! May your dust settle well. :D I actually understand the conflicted feelings. Much as you want to do the happy-dance-of-relief, underlying it all there is a sense of mourning that there aren't normal relationships in place. Even so, that's not your fault, it's just the hand that's been dealt. I know you know better than to let it make you bitter (ha! That's what I tell *myself* every time we deal with one of our loved one's "episodes"!). Anyway, you just treat Wolf extra special. And do a little jig in the corner when he's not looking. :D Honestly, I think I'm on the path of healing. I've discovered that I'm no longer emotionally invested in either my mom or MIL...other than how MIL hurts Wolf, that is. That angers me. He's relieved that she's not coming on one hand, hurt on the other. It's confusing. He'd like to know that for once, he ranks first w/her, and that's never happened, and never will. Wow . . . Both women are a piece of work . . . :eek: I am so sorry it hurts Wolf . . . I am amazed and happy for you and Wolf that you have created a loving family in spite of your moms' personalities ... it says a lot about both of you . . . :grouphug: Aww, thanks. Honestly, we both consider it a complete miracle that we've turned out as well as we have. I mean, btwn genetics and environment, we should be complete nutbunnies, but we're actually pretty healthy, functioning adults. I say 'pretty healthy' b/c we do have our scars and our tender spots that have us reacting to some things that others wouldn't, but we've figured out how to navigate those places together, to be able to point out to one another when those times happen, and be able to drag what ever it is out into the open and talk about it, sort it out. I think a big chunk of it is that b/c we DID grow up w/nutbunnies for parents, we knew what we didn't want. And, growing up as we did, we both decided that family was a huge priority, and we didn't want any children we ever had to feel the way we did. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted April 14, 2012 Share Posted April 14, 2012 Is :party: the wrong response? Because of all I've read about your MIL, it sounds like you're much better off not having to have her visit for a whole year! And not having to see the aunt, too. :grouphug: to your husband for not feeling loved. That stinks. But better her not caring at a distance, than not caring right in your face in your home, right? :iagree: that was my thought too. I know it's hard for wolf - she's still his mother. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted April 14, 2012 Share Posted April 14, 2012 Is :party: the wrong response? Because of all I've read about your MIL, it sounds like you're much better off not having to have her visit for a whole year! And not having to see the aunt, too. :grouphug: to your husband for not feeling loved. That stinks. But better her not caring at a distance, than not caring right in your face in your home, right? :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted April 14, 2012 Share Posted April 14, 2012 I wish there was a magic solution too. It's very hard realizing someone doesn't love, value, honor and care about you as much as you love, value, honor and care about them. Fil is gone and mil's true colors are showing. A mom should be loving...jm2cents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted April 14, 2012 Share Posted April 14, 2012 Aww- I'm sorry. Family stuff can be so hard. Even though you feel relief, it is still disappointing that you can't have the kind of relationship you want.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted April 14, 2012 Author Share Posted April 14, 2012 I wish there was a magic solution too. It's very hard realizing someone doesn't love, value, honor and care about you as much as you love, value, honor and care about them. Fil is gone and mil's true colors are showing. A mom should be loving...jm2cents. Honestly, as bad as it sounds, I don't think either Wolf or I will actually grieve either of our mothers passing much. We've been grieving the lack of relationship our entire lives. We'll grieve that there's absolutely NO chance to ever have the relationship we want, that that hope is truly gone, but the actual individuals...I honestly don't know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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