A Spin off poll: What are your expectations about YOUR kids visiting you later on?

[JennifersLost]

After joking around about visiting our own parents, I began to wonder what people expect to happen when their own kids move out and have their own families. How often do you want to see them? How long would you like them to visit for? Do you have a vision of how you'd like it to play out?

[ChristusG]

We are a very close family. When I got married, I moved a whole three streets away from my parents. Both sets of my grandparents and my aunts/uncles live within 15 minutes of me.

 

I really hope that my children will choose to stay close to home as I did.

[amy g.]

I couldn't answer the poll, because I really don't have any expectations. I won't be traveling the world, but I will be here living my own life. They can see me when they want to, and I won't put pressure on them to come when they don't.

 

I'm really not that close to my MIL, but when Dh and I got married, she told him that focus on his new family now. I really love her for that.

[Ellie]

It would be warm and fuzzy if we all lived close, but it is not likely. My mother rarely lived close to my grandmother once she grew up and moved away; I rarely lived close to my mother, either. But we talked on the telephone frequently, and when dh and I were able, we'd drive up to see her and stay for a week.

 

Whatever works out will be fine :-)

[Liza Q]

I chose the third option but I think I am really halfway between #2 and #3.

 

But even though I am hoping to see them monthly at least, I really have no expectations. Who knows where they will be living and what their family and financial situations will be like? I feel confident that it will work out as well as possible because I expect to have a good relationship with my children. My brothers, sister and I get along well with my parents and I see them 1-2x a month (they are about 45m from me).

 

I especially do not want to have any holiday expectation. My mother can be a little demanding around the holidays and sometimes gives my younger brother a hard time - his inlaws live in FL and he has a hard time making everyone happy. I pray that I will stay flexible and not feel that I have rights, kwim?

[LisaCA]

My first choice would be once a month plus seeing their kids play sports, dance, act etc. so I chose once a week. I don't "expect" this of course but it would be nice. I have one that no longer lives at home and once a week has been nice and if she has plans I just catch her the next week. I will love it if every 2-3 months we all (girls husbands + children) got together.

[nmoira]

I voted "next door" but because I enjoy my children as people and I think it would be nice, not because I have issues of letting them go (I hope :) ). I realise that the likelihood of this happening is remote, and that's OK too.

[Danestress]

But it's not because I actually want to see them weekly. I just want the to live near enough that we COULD see them weekly if they wanted.

 

I doubt I will be the best Mom of visitors. I don't look forward to over-night houseguests. I already sort of dread when my oldest comes home from college. I LOVE the child and love seeing him. But I am not wild about the chaos that follows with him. I sound like a really old lady, don't I?

 

I have both my parents and my MIL (only recently) living within 2 miles of me. I love it. I can see them, but it doesn't have to be for hours or days or (god forbid) weeks. It can be for tea. I like having a meal without getting up the next day and having another with them. I love the regular brief contact. I love being here if they need me - and recently they really really have.

 

So I am voting for having them quite near but not actually feeling like they need to run over all the time.

[JennifersLost]

Does anyone have a hard time "picturing" the kids all grown up. There are days already where I hardly see the kids. We might all be in the same house but they're downstairs doing their thing and I'm upstairs writing or whatever, and suddenly I realize that hours have gone by.

 

I don't think I'll have a problem filling my time when they go, but I do think I'll be lonely for them. I guess the good part is with an 8 year spread between oldest and youngest, by the time the youngest is gone, the oldest will probably have kids and want to bring them to visit, LOL.

 

And with four sets of kids (grandkids) there should be plenty of people to come visit here and there. I guess it will be okay.

 

It's weird to think about, though. Ever since I've been out of the house I've kept in touch with my parents - calling once a week or so - but my life is so separate from theirs.

 

I'm glad I'm already working on building a career. I'd hate to feel like my reason for existence walked out the door when the kids do, if you know what I mean.

 

Argh. I think I have to go hug all the kids now. I just got all weepy....

[Brindee]

 

I voted "next door" but because I enjoy my children as people and I think it would be nice, not because I have issues of letting them go (I hope :) ). I realise that the likelihood of this happening is remote, and that's OK too.

:iagree:

[StaceyinLA]

I might want them to move in!!)

 

Seriously, I plan to have a life too. I want to do some volunteering, maybe work a bit, play lots of golf, travel, maybe go back to college - who knows? I just know that I want to be active. I do want to see my kids a lot, but I expect them to be raising their kids and doing their thing, and I am looking forward to a different stage of my life as well.

[Sarah CB]

I voted "next door" but because I enjoy my children as people and I think it would be nice, not because I have issues of letting them go (I hope :) ). I realise that the likelihood of this happening is remote, and that's OK too.

 

 

Same here. I really wish that my in-laws and my mom and my sister lived next door, too. I love my family and proximity would be really nice. My sister and mom live in the same condo building but on different floors. They both enjoy the ability to pop over for a visit without a huge amount of planning. I'd love it if my kids were close enough for that. My mom misses the kids and wishes we lived close enough for them to come over to her house after "school" for cookies and milk.

 

However, I also know that it's important to walk through a door when it opens - that's why we're here and I'll be fully supportive of any one of my kids who decides to move somewhere else. I'll just miss them : )

 

Sarah

[Crissy]

I can't say that I have expectations of my children once their grown.

I would love it if we were always close (sons and daughters-in-law), but one never knows.

 

I do know that I will always do my best to not let my children feel guilty over any situation involving my husband and me.

[kokotg]

Well, I don't really have expectations, but I picked, "I hope they live next door" because I'd love that. Maybe it's just because my kids are still so young it's hard to imagine being away from them for long? But at least for now I think I'd really love it if we lived close enough that grandkids could drop in whenever. I suspect I won't change my mind, really. My mom lives 5 minutes away, but doesn't see us super often, and I'm always wishing we saw her more. And my in-laws are 1000 miles away, and I'd love nothing better than for them to move close by. And then I actively fantasize about my sister-in-law moving closer so my kids could see their cousin more...yeah, I'm kind of dorky like that.

[Gwen in VA]

I'd love it if my kids lived close enough to see them once a week.

 

However,

 

1) We live in a little southern town. My older three have specific career interests, and they are unlikely to find good employment in those areas here.

 

2) We are sending our kids to college. While it is only 3 hours away, they meet all kinds of people from all kinds of states and even countries. Both of my older ones have plans for grad school. Their horizons are getting broader by the moment. I think it unlikely that they will find someone to marry who will be from Virginia, let alone eastern Virginia.

 

Dh and I are aware of the cost of not being close to family -- none of our parents lived close to their parents, and we moved 600 miles away from both sets. No grandparent attended my dd's graduation last year; one is considering making the trek for ds this year. We have two nephews whom we have never seen.

 

But we don't want to chain our kids to us. If God wants them to live on the other side of the world, so be it. We pray that they will follow God's leading when they choose where to settle. We have worked hard to develop close relationships with our kids. We hope that they will be close emotionally and spiritually no matter how many miles separate us.

[gardenschooler]

I would like it if we all lived in the same city, or even the same general vicinity, but I don't have any expectations of that happening. I didn't live in the same city my entire life (especially as a child), but they have so far, so I can easily see them wanting to live somewhere else. Dd#1 is looking at colleges that aren't all that close to home.

 

I would certainly like to be involved with grandkids if I could be a help to my dds, but I am determined never to place demands on them to visit me, or share holidays unless they want to. Mother's Day should be about them then, not me. Christmas morning should be a time when they can enjoy their new family they've made, not have to stress out over having to go visit me. I certainly hope we'll have some time together, even around the holidays, but I am determined to never make that an obligation. It ruins the holidays for too many people, and frankly, I want them to see me because they want to see me, not because they feel obligated.

 

I've been blessed with the best MIL on earth, and my own mother is not very demanding. I have had other family members (my side), in years past insist that we spend each and every holiday with them. I didn't like it at all - instead of making memories of my new family, we were spending it with them. Rushing around and having to be somewhere is not my idea of a relaxing holiday, no matter what it is. I like to do my own thing. I bowed out of these obligations many years ago, and I'm so glad I did.

 

*IF* my MIL comes into town and wants to do something (holiday or not), I'm happy to drop everything and do whatever she wants. She'll then insist we do what I want, so....not a hardship. No demands. No intereference, only support. LOVE her. I want to be like her when my kids are grown.

[summer]

I think children should treat their parents how their parents have raised them to treat them. This may sound rude but, parents who leave their children with baby sitters 24-7 and yell at them all the time and tear them down certainly should not expect them as visitors much...especially if they repeat it in the adult years. But when a parent is loving and inviting and treat the children-in-laws and grandchildren well..well then...the more visits the merrier!!

[nukeswife]

I couldn't answer the poll because you didn't list an option for ME visiting Them. After having 3 kids and knowing how hard it is to travel I have come to think it's really selfish to ask my children to come to me when it would be easier for me and dh to go to them as we won't have any children to be carting with us like hopefully they will. My MIL is like this she wants to know why we don't visit more. Well we live 1000 miles away and have to travel with 3 kids and 2 dogs. It would be much easier for them to travel here. She feels that since I "don't work" that I can just pick up and drive to IA from VA at a moments notice. My mom is the opposite and comes to see us about 4 weeks out of the year. 1 week for each of the kids birthdays (May, July and Nov) and 1 week in Feb with my dad. My dad wants to come more but until recently couldn't be gone from work that much.

[nancypants]

I couldn't answer the poll, because I really don't have any expectations. I won't be traveling the world, but I will be here living my own life. They can see me when they want to, and I won't put pressure on them to come when they don't.

 

I'm really not that close to my MIL, but when Dh and I got married, she told him that focus on his new family now. I really love her for that.

 

Same here. If they live close I'd hope to see them once or twice a month maybe (more often if they wanted and had the time and if I had the time). But if they live far (which I will never make them feel guilty about) I will hope to maybe see them once a year if possible but I'm realistic... I know how expensive travel is and I won't have any expectations.

 

Most of all I will just work to have great relationships with them all no matter how often or rarely we get to see each other. Expectations are relationship killers, when it comes to in-laws in particular.

[Peela]

I don't want to have expectations of my kids in that way...I would never want them to feel they should or need to visit me for my sake. I want them to be independent of me and following their hearts, doing what they feel drawn to do....and if that's go live in Japan or something, then they absolutely have my blessing, even though my heart will ache for missing them.

I hope however (different from "expect"), that they would want me to be a part of their lives, and I would ideally like to see them regularly- I voted weekly.

[Tutor]

I voted for the third option, but I am not as concerned with how often we are physically in each other's presence (although being able to hug them, cry with them, hold their hands, and gaze into their eyes as they share their hopes and dreams would be wonderful). I am more concerned with maintaining an open relationship with them where we can talk and share openly without fear of judgment or that we a disappointing or causing jealously or embarrassment. If that has to be over the phone or through letters, I will treasure every conversation and connection of spirit.

[johnandtinagilbert]

but they had better visit and call often!:patriot: I had to use the patriot too b/c somehow it just seems unpatriotic not to want to visit their Momma...oh yeah, and Dad too!

 

Seriously, I hope that by the time they are grown they will want to see us. It's tough to compare our dc and our relationship w. our parents. We have raised our kids Entirely different than our parents raised us. We feel like we're first generation in many, many ways.

[lynn]

DH and I have plans to travel when we retire and we'll see the kids as we pass through where ever they may be. I'd love them all home for the holidays but I won't hold them to it. They will have their own lives and families and we'll see them a few times a year. I have friends that have so many expectations on them they get so stressed out during holidays I won't do that to my children. I like what one family I met does. Everyother year they all get together for thanksgiving and the next year they parents go out someplace for dinner and the kids visit with inlaws or whatever. No my sil I mentions once about planning thanksgiving and being the southern bell she is her answer "I only visit MY parents on Thanskgiving" I never asked her about another holiday.

[Night Elf]

I would love for my kids to live next door, so that's my vote. However, I don't believe that is reality. I live an hour away from my mom and only see her half a dozen times a year, if that. However, I would move to be closer to her if we could. DH has already vetoed that idea because of the lousy housing market and his job commute.

 

So anyway, I know I will want to see my kids and grandkids a lot. But I'm resigned to the fact that they will have their own lives and those lives won't be revolved around me. I'm sure I'll feel lonely but I have promised myself to never nag or try to make them feel guilty. They will have as much right to choose how to live as I've had. It's only fair.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I, too, don't have expectations. However, I think once a week would be great just to make sure that I don't become to meddlesome ;). Since my oldest will probably be a university professor somewhere (probably not here :(, I will just have to settle for several times a year.

[*anj*]

I voted that I'd like to see them maybe once a week.

I said this partly because that would mean that we lived reasonably close to one another, which would allow me to be really involved in the lives of my grandchildren. I want to be a grandma who will watch them occasionally so the parents can get some time alone. I want to be near enough to drop in and watch their gymnastics class or dance class or just to take them to lunch sometimes.

I'd like for a visit to my house to be just a natural extension of life, not a Main Event.