"I Emphasize They are Different," Says Child Psychologist?

[Purple Cat]

I had my kindergarten-age little boy see a child psychologist because of difficulties he was having following some stressful changes. The child psychologist informed me that he was gifted and re-framed many issues as a product of being gifted. She also tested him, and his scores confirmed her initial thoughts.

 

She also thought his twin sister is gifted, and is testing her in order to enable her to access special programs and services.

 

Recently, she told me that she emphasizes to each of my children that they are very different and that their abilities are unusual. She said she especially emphasizes it with them because they consider their abilities normative, given their twin's similiarity. She tells them what they see other little kid's doing is what is normal; it's what they are doing that is unusual.

 

I'm having a difficult time sorting out exactly how I feel about her telling my children that and if, and how, I want to respond. I don't like labels like "smart." I focus on practicing leading to greater mastery and on learning new topics. I think home schooling allows us to side-step issues that might arise if a child was far more advanced than classmates.

 

I would love to hear other's thoughts and suggestions.

Edited March 2, 2012 by Purple Cat

[LisaKinVA]

On some level, your children may already be somewhat aware of the differences... or will become more aware, but I'm still not sure I'd like someone else to potentially be "borrowing trouble."

 

But, unfortunately the "damage" has been done. As long as you (and others in their lives) don't focus on "smart," but instead praise hard work, you should be able to minimize any impact this may have. To an extent, homeschooling will allow you to sidestep many things... but not always.

[nova147]

I agree that at some point your kids would figure it out even without being in school. But I would be pretty irritated with the psychologist.

 

We don't shy away from telling our son he is smart. But we also emphasis the strengths of other children he knows. We tell him that being smart is a gift from God and that it his responsibility to use that gift well, but since it's a gift, he can't be proud of it. He can ( and is encouraged to) be proud of his accomplishments, academic and otherwise, but he just IS smart, like he IS a boy. Right now, I'm giving him tons of praise for doing division, because it's hard for him to remember the steps and he's really working at it. I think (hope?) that balances the "smart" comments.

[serendipitous journey]

Well, the above pp is right that it's done now ... I agree, this is not something I tell my child and I wouldn't be happy about a psychologist doing this.

 

What helps me in these things is to try and not take it too seriously -- maybe "hold it lightly" would be a better way to say it. The ways your children are like others their age are for more numerous than their differences -- they are probably growing more or less normally, their bodies probably work more or less like other people's, they need a great deal of love, they have relationships with family & with friends, &c. I am not dismissing the differences associated with giftedness, but if you compare your gifted child to another child, versus any other non-human entity in the universe, the similarities overwhelm! And the obviousness of this makes it, I think, easy to demonstrate to children.

 

Because DH works in a field where intelligence is essential and highly valued, and he sometimes talks about someone (usually a candidate for a job or a student position) being "very smart", we have matter-of-factly explained to Button that being able to think well is important for his father's work, just as having other talents is important in other fields -- I usually use a sports comparison here, or art. And we often talk about how a person's qualities are not related to their value, or their goodness, as a human: smart or athletic people are not better people than folks nearer the average.

 

-- this is a good topic to think about. :bigear:

[Runningmom80]

I feel like its helped my eg/pg DS to know that his brain works differently. I don't tell him it works better, or worse, just differently.

He has different interests than kids his age, he speaks differently than kids his age. This was hard for him in preschool. Once we got him tested, we explained that he is different. It helped in our case, for him to have a reason why he didn't fit in.

 

I don't subscribe to the idea that it's harmful to know you are different. He is different.

 

 

ETA: I like this approach, http://giftedkids.about.com/od/socialemotionalissues/a/tell_children.htm

 

 

And especially this quote, "Pretending it doesn't exist will not make it go away any more than pretending a disability doesn't exist will make the disability go away."

Edited March 2, 2012 by Runningmom80

[Laura Corin]

I always talked about everyone being different, emphasising strengths amongst their friends as well as their strengths (when it comes up).

 

Laura

[SunnyDays]

I always talked about everyone being different, emphasising strengths amongst their friends as well as their strengths (when it comes up).

 

Laura

 

I think Laura's point is a good one... we're ALL different. We emphasize that he's excellent at math and vocabulary and technology... we praise his interest in history and music... we encourage him to do his best in sports.

 

We also talk about how some of his friends are great at football and love to play, and he doesn't, and that's okay.... just like he may be a better reader and love to read, and some of his friends don't.

 

And yes, we talk about how he learns differently than others. I think it's in the presentation, rather than trying to tell them they're just the same as others, KWIM??

[Dmmetler]

FWIW, when DD was in school, her K teacher did much the same thing-sit down the class (after the first couple of weeks of school) and explain that, yes, what some of the kids had observed to her was correct-that DD did know more than they did, did different school work, sometimes burst out in tears unexpectedly, and so on-and that this was because DD's brain helps her learn very, very quickly, but also sometimes tries to learn too many things at once, and overwhelmed her, and that it was like being able to run really, really fast or being able to build good block towers-when it worked, it was great, but when you got tired or it didn't work well that day, it was very, very frustrating.

 

I don't know if it helped the class at all- the reason why the teacher had wanted to explain to the class was because, when DD started showing signs of distress and going into sensory overload, the teacher was having real trouble convincing a class that was almost all 6 yr old girls not to go comfort this poor little 4 yr old-and that often was exactly the thing that would take DD out of the "Able to work through it if you just give me a minute" state to the "complete and utter meltdown"- but as it turned out, it was what DD needed to hear. For MONTHS afterwards, when she was struggling, I'd hear her telling herself that "It's OK, my brain just learns really, really fast, and sometimes it learns TOO fast!".

[serendipitous journey]

... For MONTHS afterwards, when she was struggling, I'd hear her telling herself that "It's OK, my brain just learns really, really fast, and sometimes it learns TOO fast!".

 

What a good story, and point ...

 

I think one of the things that keeps Button from feeling "better" than other children is that it is so clear that he struggles where they have things easy, as well as the other way 'round ...

[Harriet Vane]

Gifted kids already know they are different. Acknowledging that with them helps give figure out ways to cope and thrive.

[SKL]

That is disturbing to me. Maybe I'd feel differently if I knew your kids and just how "different" they are. Do they themselves bring up the differences and form opinions about them?

 

In my gifted dd's case (she is also in KG), the things she does exceptionally well are just a small part of what goes on all day. At least, I think they are. I mean, all the kids in class talk, play, sit at the table and do what the teacher says, draw, copy letters, listen to stories, explore the books and manipulatives, use the restroom, eat lunch, etc. The fact that she is also capable of reading and math that the others don't attempt is mostly a side issue. (Though my other dd did mention that gifted dd had said "duh" to a couple of kids in KG, she learned the "duh" word in KG.) So I don't think she feels overly "different." I could not imagine taking her aside to point out that the other kids in the class are "normal" and she isn't.

 

I guess if your child is unable to have a conversation on anything other kids talk about or the like, that could require a discussion and maybe some coaching on how to engage with more typical peers. But in general, I don't see the point of this type of comment directed at the child.

 

I do tell my kids frequently about how everyone has different strengths and weaknesses. To a little kid, there is no particular hierarchy of talents; if anything, they are more concerned about the physical differences such as who can ride a bike or turn a cartwheel.

 

 

ETA: My dd does realize she is an advanced reader, and probably that she knows many things others haven't learned yet. I just don't think she considers that to make her "abnormal." She just sees it as the talent she has where others are taller, faster, etc.

Edited March 2, 2012 by SKL

[Barbara H]

If you have not already done so, I would suggest talking to the psychologist and expressing your discomfort. Maybe more discussion will either put it into context and make you feel more comfortable, or it will confirm that something needs to change.

 

As far as talking with kids, for me it probably depends in part of the level of giftedness. With highly and profoundly gifted kids it probably does need to be talked about in some way at least at some point, but it will really depend on the child and the situation. There are ways it can be approached that I am comfortable with and ways I would be not at all comfortable with. For all kids conversations like Laura described are a good idea.

[Bang!Zoom!]

I had my kindergarten-age little boy see a child psychologist because of difficulties he was having following some stressful changes. The child psychologist informed me that he was gifted and re-framed many issues as a product of being gifted. She also tested him, and his scores confirmed her initial thoughts.

 

She also thought his twin sister is gifted, and is testing her in order to enable her to access special programs and services.

 

Recently, she told me that she emphasizes to each of my children that they are very different and that their abilities are unusual. She said she especially emphasizes it with them because they consider their abilities normative, given their twin's similiarity. She tells them what they see other little kid's doing is what is normal; it's what they are doing that is unusual.

 

I'm having a difficult time sorting out exactly how I feel about her telling my children that and if, and how, I want to respond. I don't like labels like "smart." I focus on practicing leading to greater mastery and on learning new topics. I think home schooling allows us to side-step issues that might arise if a child was far more advanced than classmates.

 

I would love to hear other's thoughts and suggestions.

 

First things first.

 

Has this psychologist been successful in the treatment for the original reasons above? Have the difficulties lifted, been resolved?

[Ester Maria]

Reason #245 I am keeping my children away from psychologists.

 

They know.

 

There is little point in emphasizing it, stressing over it, putting a big importance on it.

 

It is a fact of life, akin to the color of their eyes.

 

Nod your head, recognize, MOVE ON, no dwelling on it, no "explaining", no "pondering", no intellectual self-ghettoization from other children and the rest of the society, no preferential treatment, no nothing. They are a kid like any other, with a set of arbitrary characteristics which more or less define them, no point in dwelling on those characteristics, continue to live as you normally do.

 

I do not tell mine they are smart, except sometimes when we are (semi-)joking. They know. And my children certainly do not need to be the least bit more self-confident than they already are, because they tend to err on the arrogant side.

And even if they needed, I would hate for their self-confidence to depend on some arbitrary characteristic like that which they could not affect, so I would still not focus on that.

Nor would I ever use it as an excuse for anything else they are going through in their lives, nor would I want them to dwell on their "uniqueness" and "differences".

 

It is not about what you were given. It is about what you DO with what you were given. THAT is where 100% of the focus should be. Who cares about smart and who cares about blue eyes - show me *concrete accomplishment*, honey.

 

At this age, when no real frank discussions are needed, I would keep my child very far away from such comments if I were you. From a moral standpoint, they can be a kiss of death, especially if told by a person with supposed authority to say so (like a psychologist, in the child's eyes).

[nitascool]

I have never understood not allowing children to know and own their differences. My kids are smart. The kid down the street knows it, why can't they?

 

What exactly is wrong with emphasizing that they are different... is it not true? Even mildly gifted children can be quite different then the average child in a given grade. It is quite likely this adult was not telling them anything they didn't already know anyway.

 

I could say more... but since I am clearly in the minority on this topic I will just shake my head and move on.

Edited March 3, 2012 by nitascool

[go_go_gadget]

Are your children ever in a school or school-like environment? If they are, I could see that it might be possible that knowing that their brains work differently (I'd shy away from "better") could be helpful if issues relating to those differences arose (emphasis on the "if"). In the absence of such an environment, though, I can't see how it would be helpful. For instance, my own kids have never been in school, and the classes they take are all in a K-5 age range, so naturally there's a wide range of abilities and because of that, the kids don't notice if one is blessed with a higher aptitude. My kids are working a grade or even several grades ahead of their same-age friends in some cases, but they don't know that. The don't get together with their friends and talk about which curriculum they're using or what their reading level is.

 

I consider intelligence and aptitude as information to be passed on on a need-to-basis, and unless there's a problem that can only be addressed by passing along that information, they don't need to know.

[Ester Maria]

I have never understood not allowing children to know and own their differences. My kids are smart. The kid down the street knows it, why can't they?

Nita, it is not about "allowing" or "not allowing" your children to know.

What you are talking about would be akin to not allowing your children to know they are blue-eyed amongst mostly brown-eyed people by going out of your way that you prevent them from noticing it. That is not what is being suggested. Nobody is "preventing" a child from recognizing what they will normally recognize. But, what some of us do think is that:

 

1. A child should not be "suggested" to "recognize" certain things before their time - they will recognize when their life sheds a light on those qualities and when they see how they differ, why would you wish to "speed up" that process and provide them with an information meaningless to them;

 

2. Even when the child has recognized these things, they should not "own" them in sense of celebrating arbitrary qualities they were born with (such as their brain wiring, their race, the color of their eyes, etc.) and ESPECIALLY not in sense of using those qualities as a PRISM through which to look at their entire life (which is what the psychologist from the OP was suggesting, a child's brain wiring as a prism through which to access and assess all of their life, basically).

 

I, personally, find both of these to be highly dangerous, each in its own way.

 

Kids who are "different" will KNOW they are different, and will typically know exactly at a point at which they 'should' know, when they have matured to pay an attention to it.

They are not going to lose out on ANYTHING by you not calling their attention to it.

But, they may be given a huge kiss of death if you initiate 1) and ESPECIALLY if you intiate 2). It can start a pattern of an unhealthy self-perception through a select few qualities alone, a pattern of self-ghettoization absed on those qualities ("assured" by having been suggested by "specialists" that one is different), and a pattern of a unhealthy focus on these things.

 

These things are a part of life.

They are not THE life.

There is no reason at all they should be given such a huge importance in the grand scheme of things. By posing one such quality as lenses through which you experience the world, being ultra-aware of it, you are putting a huge undue importance on that quality... and potentially missing out on a lot of other things.

What exactly is wrong with emphasizing that they are different... is it not true? Even mildly gifted children can be quite different then the average child in a given grade. It is quite likely this adult was not telling them anything they didn't already know anyway.

The *emphasis* is wrong. Not the *constatation* of the fact - but the *emphasis*, the *focus* on it.

 

In my moral framework, children should not be brought up on tales of uniqueness (a better attitude would be: "You are unique. Just like everybody else." :D LOL), ultra-aware of all the differences from other people (why not teach them to search for BRIDGES to other people, rather than to search for neat lines which SEPARATE them from other people?), nor should any given arbitrary quality be represented to them as them. You are not only your intellect. You are also your emotions, the totality of your body, the person in any number of social roles you take (as a daughter, as a sister, as a friend, etc.), and more importantly, you are a developing being who could not have affected certain accidents of birth, but who CAN and SHOULD affect what kind of person they are growing up to be and THAT should be the focus of upbringing, not any arbitrary qualities. Arbitrary inborn qualities are something to recognize, not ignore or downplay, but recognized, adapt what needs to be adapted in life to it, and MOVE ON. No *focus*. No *emphasis*. Not allowing children to get soaked into it and *identify* with it. They know anyway. There is no point in sheding any additional light onto it. Life will shed enough light on those differences anyway. There is no point in celebrating it, either - *accomplishments* are celebrated, not *potential*.

 

I think it is highly morally problematic to go against all these things with such a small child as a person in a position of authority. Yes, when kids are a bit older, you can, and probably should, have a frank conversation or two on these matters (a conversation or two - not extended ponderings of their own brilliance... rather focus on applying that brilliance, not in "recognizing" it). But when they are small, and impressionable, and only learning to differentiate what qualities matter and what do not, these things can be toxic and set them up for some very negative mental habits.

[Runningmom80]

I think it also has a lot to do with LOG. A pg child is a lot different than an mg child in most cases. I'm glad that my child kws he can talk to me about his differences, and why he is different.

 

I'm not sure if you have all seen this, it's from the asynchronous scholars fund. I can't imagine not discussing my child's differences with him, especially when he is dealing with so much.

 

 

It's a parenting choice, and I actually agree with the psychologist, so I should probably exit this thread. :)

Edited March 3, 2012 by Runningmom80

[EKS]

 

It is not about what you were given. It is about what you DO with what you were given. THAT is where 100% of the focus should be. Who cares about smart and who cares about blue eyes - show me *concrete accomplishment*, honey.

 

 

I agree, with the caveat that sometimes, with 2E kids, what you are given is hidden and needs to be uncovered.

[regentrude]

 

Recently, she told me that she emphasizes to each of my children that they are very different and that their abilities are unusual. She said she especially emphasizes it with them because they consider their abilities normative, given their twin's similiarity. She tells them what they see other little kid's doing is what is normal; it's what they are doing that is unusual.

 

I would like offer a completely different view than the previous posters.

 

For many many years, I was unable to develop any empathy for slower learners because I could not understand why they could not simply do things the way I did. I was impatient and frustrated.

I do not know whether I am gifted, testing did not exist and the idea was not discussed - but I know that I learned very easily and was always top in everything I tried. I found myself normal.

It was only way into adulthood that I realized that I am not. And that I should not have the same expectations of others as I have of myself.

 

I actually find that this realization makes me a more understanding and compassionate person. I do not think it is misplaced to make young children understand that their abilities are unusual (especially if they see the same in their sibling) because it will allow them to develop a better understanding for others - instead of being impatient with the slowness and apparent stupidity of those around them.

[Ester Maria]

I actually find that this realization makes me a more understanding and compassionate person. I do not think it is misplaced to make young children understand that their abilities are unusual (especially if they see the same in their sibling) because it will allow them to develop a better understanding for others - instead of being impatient with the slowness and apparent stupidity of those around them.

But you are identifying an intellectual appreciation of something with a certain type of a mature emotional / social response... what happens when there is a mismatch between the two?

 

An intelligent child will make the observation that they are "off" anyway. You will not be able to prevent them making that observation. But pointing their attention to it will not necessarily imply an emotional and a social maturity will automatically follow. It typically takes time for those to develop and meanwhile, why would you emphasize or put such a big importance on the intellectual difference?

[regentrude]

An intelligent child will make the observation that they are "off" anyway. You will not be able to prevent them making that observation.

But pointing their attention to it will not necessarily imply an emotional and a social maturity will automatically follow. It typically takes time for those to develop and meanwhile, why would you emphasize or put such a big importance on the intellectual difference?

 

When she was 5 and 6, my DD felt very acutely that she was "off". The kids treated her differently, and she did not feel as if she belonged, because she was interested in so very different things. She thought it was her fault. She blamed it on being a foreigner, a German in the US, and as a consequence refused to speak any German with me for almost a year - because she so desperately wanted to fit in. (You are a foreigner too: can you imagine how much a kid must suffer to give up speaking her native language in which she had grown up to this date?)

When we finally discussed that it was because she was intellectually gifted, it helped her so much. It lifted a cloud, it removed the "fault". It was not anything she did wrong and could fix. She was different, there it was in black and white on the test results. It helped her come to terms.

 

So, I firmly believe that children deserve an explanation for their difference. I'd much rather discuss the facts of their intellectual abilities than have them suffer and feel they must be doing something wrong.

 

Plus, as I explained in my earlier post, knowing that one is unusual in the abilities to retain and process information and that the others are normal will lead to more patience and compassion and ultimately make the child get along better with others.

[MomatHWTK]

I feel like its helped my eg/pg DS to know that his brain works differently. I don't tell him it works better, or worse, just differently.

He has different interests than kids his age, he speaks differently than kids his age. ."

 

 

This. My DS does have LDs and behavioral issues as well- altogether his brain just runs on a totally different circuit than other kids. I wish someone had told me that I was the one who was acting/thinking different when I was little so I would have know better how to "fake it to make it" in PS. I woudln't consider myself "gifted" just smart, but still I just didn't get a lot of the social stuff going on in school.

 

Homeschooling will shelter the children considerably, so the information probably isn't quite so important. But to this day, I have a hard time understanding why other people don't always understand me. (I think I was/am probably an Aspie.)

 

I think the key is to not make "gifted" or intelligent into something more than a fact. It's not being superior or inferior, it's having a brain that does things that the brains of a lot of your peers don't. Being really smart doesn't make you a better person any more than being really tall or really athletic. It just is, and when it comes to communicating with others, this fact tends to impact those communcations.

Edited March 3, 2012 by MomatHWTK

[Purple Cat]

PLEASE know that for me ALL OPINIONS are welcome, even if a seemingly minority view. I think reasonable people can have very different views without one person being "right" and one person being "wrong." Different perceptions are enlightening and enriching. I welcome and invite those feeling they "needed to exit" because perhaps their perception differed to stay.

 

My feelings about the child psychologist's emphasis to my children of their abilities are mixed. On one hand, I cringe, primarily for the reasons listed, and also because I think such labeling does my children a disservice. I think the "smart" label creates a self-expectation that (1) all topics should be mastered easily, if not effortlessly and (2) a fear of taking risks to learn new subjects because failure to easily master the subject might threaten the "smart" identity. Instead, I want my children to explore topics, identify passions, and believe with practice and study knowledge and mastery increases.

 

I am concerned that the child psychologist is erroneously universalizing her gifted child's experience onto "all gifted" or at least my children. The child psychologist told me that HER daughter thought the other children in K were "retarded" because they achieved below her level and failed to share in her unusually advanced interests. My children aren't being forced to spend K focusing on playing house with the other kids because they've already mastered K expectations for PS. My children don't participate in academic pursuits with other children or even each other, as I teach them one-on-one. I luxuriate that I can give my children the "just right challenge" for each skill/topic, which means my son plays with far younger children in organized sports because of his gross motor delays. (He's small for his age, so the age difference isn't obvious.)

 

On the other hand, my children don't fit in with their peers because their vocabulary, knowledge, interests, and achievements are so different, and thus perhaps having their difference pointed out and explained is helpful. Perhaps. Dare I admit that I CRINGE sometimes when they talk in public? I'm sure other moms can relate to silently praying that your child does NOT mention polytheism when the karate teacher talks about Jesus during the two minute devotion. (Somehow she was finding a way to mention polytheism a striking number of times a day.) I really don't know how to respond when the adult babysitter reports my daughter only wanted to play chess, which her same-age granddaughter very appropriately and expectedly does not play.

 

I don't know. And perhaps in the end, it's simply a complex knot of advantages and disadvantages with no bell-clear "right" answer.

 

I do overall like the child psychologist and have found her helpful, even though I dislike her emphasis on their intellectual abilities. She has emphasized to me the disparity between their cognitive and social/emotional abilities and that emphasis has been helpful.

 

Thank you, everyone, for your thoughts about this charged, complicated topic!

[serendipitous journey]

:grouphug:to PurpleCat. You are right, it is a very complex issue; and emotional; and our opinions are very colored by personal experience. Your children are fortunate to have a mother so carefully considering things.

Edited March 3, 2012 by serendipitous journey

[MomatHWTK]

Based on what you've said, I would probably approach the psychologist and discuss the issue so that she doesn't go overboard. It does sound like she is personalizing the issue just a bit. :001_smile:

[Dmmetler]

I agree with this. I feel like the psychologist is creating a problem that isn't really there. If someone told me as a child that I was very different I might wonder if I were a freak, or mentally ill.

 

I do get the aspect of people saying it helped their PG cope/understand. Then again, does it really change anything?

 

I like the idea of pointing out to our children that people have differences (it's not good or bad, it just is).

 

 

For my DD, having someone in authority who she respected tell her that her areas she struggled and areas ahead were related absolutely DID help-because it let her be less hard on herself, and not see her differences as failures. In DD's case, I think DD was more focused on the things she COULDN'T do yet and saw things like not wanting to play what the others wanted to play as a flaw in her. Meanwhile, some of the kids who DID think of themselves were smart WERE picking up that DD was ahead, and ahead by a lot, and, coupled with the fact that she was a 4 yr old who had been early entered into K in a school where a lot of the kids don't start K until age 6 or close to it, meant that THEY were starting to feel frustrated because they couldn't understand why this little kid could just pick up a book and read it, or absentmindedly answer a math question the teacher had asked the teaching assistant without even recognizing that it hadn't been asked to the kids.

 

 

If she'd been homeschooled from the start, she might not have needed such a statement at age 5-because she wouldn't have had the point of comparison to rank herself and come up feeling like she was lacking, and there wouldn't have been other kids who needed to hear that DD being able to read/do math/think differently was just the same as someone being able to run faster, build higher block towers, turn cartwheels, etc. And I'm sure her overexcitabilities would have been less of an issue.

 

FWIW, we've never had such a conversation with the kids at co-op as a group. DD's much less an outlier in a multi-age group where probably at least half the kids either had or would have IEPs for something if they were in a traditional school. Even then, though, a couple of the parents have told me that their DC have asked questions about DD, because they're surprised by how smart she is, or don't quite know how to talk to her, or don't understand why she wants a hug one day and cries the next time when they run to her for a hug. Similarly, I've had to explain about some of the kids who have other special needs, like one little boy who has autism and uses PECS and ASL, and LOVES math puzzles as much as DD does, so the two of them will often be found in a corner, with a book and a whiteboard or two, happily working away, without any words being exchanged.

[Barbara H]

When she was 5 and 6, my DD felt very acutely that she was "off". The kids treated her differently, and she did not feel as if she belonged, because she was interested in so very different things. She thought it was her fault.

 

Yes, this is a common experience. Sometimes the kid concludes she's weird, bad, too odd to be accepted. She should be quiet, fade, hide. Or, some kids conclude they must be stupid since nobody understands them. Others conclude that other kids are not trying, lazy, or are worthless.

 

Refusing to talk with kids honestly about their experiences is saying we think the messages they are getting from peers or random strangers at the grocery store are the ones we want to leave intact, without our input or shaping. As a parent I'm not comfortable with the idea that who gets to decide what this means is the receptionist at the doctor's office who wanted to go on and on about the little genius. I would much rather kids hear what their parents believe about intelligence, hard work, relationships with other people.

[Barbara H]

 

My feelings about the child psychologist's emphasis to my children of their abilities are mixed. On one hand, I cringe, primarily for the reasons listed, and also because I think such labeling does my children a disservice. I think the "smart" label creates a self-expectation that (1) all topics should be mastered easily, if not effortlessly and (2) a fear of taking risks to learn new subjects because failure to easily master the subject might threaten the "smart" identity. Instead, I want my children to explore topics, identify passions, and believe with practice and study knowledge and mastery increases.

 

I would very, very strongly urge you to raise these concerns with the psychologist. I think there is a very good chance you will be reassured by her response. Most gifted psychologists talk about intelligence in part due to concerns with the exact two things you mentioned above. Please don't just worry about it, talk to the therapist.

 

I agree that it is easier to negotiate a lot of this while homeschooling. Access to mixed age groups does make it a lot easier. Also, in a lot of homeschooling groups there is just more acceptance of difference and it isn't as big of a deal. Still though, people will notice and it is good to get to a place where you can feel comfortable with it.

 

Dare I admit that I CRINGE sometimes when they talk in public? I'm sure other moms can relate to silently praying that your child does NOT mention polytheism when the karate teacher talks about Jesus during the two minute devotion. (Somehow she was finding a way to mention polytheism a striking number of times a day.) I really don't know how to respond when the adult babysitter reports my daughter only wanted to play chess, which her same-age granddaughter very appropriately and expectedly does not play.

 

I'd say the best approach is a combination of saying nothing - just let them be and don't feel like you have to explain. And, sometimes making cheerful comments that normalize the situation. "She is really chess crazy right now, thanks so much for playing with her."

[SKL]

The thing that bothered me most is that the children are being told that the other kids are "normal" and they are not. That's a lot different from saying that all kids have "different" strenghts or that minds work "differently."

 

I also sense that maybe some of the comments here are confusing "different" as in gifted, with "different" as in other quirks/diagnoses such as Aspergers or sensory issues, which can occur with non-gifted children as well. I don't think it's accurate to tell a child that being unable to have a healthy interaction with a peer is a gift. I understand that being wired differently affects this ability, but I would prefer to view it as an area for improvement (perhaps with coaching/therapy) rather than an excuse to stop trying or, worse, an attitude that it's not worth trying because those "normal" people don't have anything to offer a "gifted" child anyway.

 

My dd takes gymnastics, dance, etc., though she is one of the poorest students (if not THE poorest) in those classes. I could tell her that she gets a pass to sit out the activities because gifted readers/thinkers are different. But she needs exercise as much as the next child - maybe even more. The same is true of social interaction. It may never be a given child's "talent," but it's always going to be an important part of life. I would agree with a message acknowledging that the child has to work harder than others in this area, and that she needs to be patient with herself (and others) as she does her best.

[Barbara H]

I don't think it's accurate to tell a child that being unable to have a healthy interaction with a peer is a gift. I understand that being wired differently affects this ability, but I would prefer to view it as an area for improvement (perhaps with coaching/therapy) rather than an excuse to stop trying or, worse, an attitude that it's not worth trying because those "normal" people don't have anything to offer a "gifted" child anyway.

 

.

 

I agree that would be a bad approach. I don't think that is what anyone here is advocating.

[Dmmetler]

There's a difference between an excuse and an explanation. I think you're thinking that telling kids they're gifted or that their brains work differently leads to them feeling that they're better than other people. For my DD, it's the opposite. Her natural state seem to be to compare herself to others and, when she's different, assume that she's lacking in some way. That is, it's not that others are stupid because they don't want to play chess, it's that she's somehow wrong because she'd rather play chess than play with Barbies. For her, hearing that there's a reason-that, yes, she processes differently than others and her perceptions aren't false, gives her the understanding that she needs to be able to work through those differences and relate to others better-that, since her friends don't want to play chess, maybe she can suggest something that they'll all enjoy, or maybe they can play Barbies now, and she can play chess with Daddy tonight, at home.

[Ester Maria]

When she was 5 and 6, my DD felt very acutely that she was "off". The kids treated her differently, and she did not feel as if she belonged, because she was interested in so very different things. She thought it was her fault. She blamed it on being a foreigner, a German in the US, and as a consequence refused to speak any German with me for almost a year - because she so desperately wanted to fit in. (You are a foreigner too: can you imagine how much a kid must suffer to give up speaking her native language in which she had grown up to this date?)

When we finally discussed that it was because she was intellectually gifted, it helped her so much. It lifted a cloud, it removed the "fault". It was not anything she did wrong and could fix. She was different, there it was in black and white on the test results. It helped her come to terms.

(I was warned when we were moving that many, if not most children from homes in which English is not a dominant language, and there is no strong community support for the minority language, go through a phase of refusing their native language. This includes very well-adjusted children, too, and several mothers have told me that early school years, K-3rd grade are the worst period, and the crucial period in which one has to be consistent with home language, because that is when they are refusing it and when the battle of wills goes on. As we ended up not enrolling our children in schools, we were spared much of that, but it is something I have most definitely observed in immigrant and minority families - along with children blaming their not being "mainstream" for just about any social problem they might have. So, in that context, your daughter's experience makes perfect sense to me. :grouphug:)

 

I suppose my children have taken the opposite route... believing, for the most part, not that something was wrong with them, but that something was wrong with other children. My middle daughter, in particular, was very frustrated by deficiencies in thinking (her wording, not mine) her peers have been demonstrating ever since she was a little girl. In many ways, I had to work in the opposite direction: drawing her attention to the fact that everybody has certain qualities which are shared with some people and not shared with some other people, that sometimes the number of people they share some qualities with is smaller, but that the fact some quality they had was not the norm did not mean that something was necessarily "wrong" with them (OR with the norm), and I plain out told her at one point that she should not expect from other people to give to her something they cannot give to her (the kind of an intellectual relationship she wanted), and that she could not change other people, but only her own attitudes, and modify what she could control - and she could look for ways to connect to each person to which that person can respond, etc. I did not even talk in terms of "giftedness" - I use those terms when I want to speak a common language with other people, but to my own children, I do not present it in those terms.

 

I give extremely brief, basic explanations and so far it has sufficed. I do not initiate the topic anymore than I would initiate talking about the color of their eyes. We adapt the intellectual load and discuss their propensity to certain kind of intellectual functioning when we discuss future options, but I do not word it as "gifted", I do not talk of "neurological differences", nor any of that which might put any additional weight on what I find to be a completely regular part of life - having a certain quality which is not mainstram, but it is there, so we adapt what has to be adapted in some contexts and do not overthink it at all in other contexts.

 

We probably have unusual *parenting* choices in this respect (wildly opposed to early entrance colleges, accelerating many things horizontally rather than vertically, supportive of study abroad / travel / working on getting "world" and "social" experience rather than pursuing early degrees, etc.), so in that sense, we really do not wish to have our daughters think they are THAT unusual nor to put a special weight on their atypical intellectual development.

 

I actually find that the older they get, the easier it is and while the difference remains, they have learned how to live with it the way it does not present any obstacle (socially, culturally, etc.). We do not even discuss it any longer, it is simply not an "issue", they do not think of themselves in those terms and they do not take themselves too "seriously" even if other people do. I do not allow any "whining" about being "misunderstood" (a lot of our friends have this issue with gifted children, and it is my total pet peeve because it is so easy for those children to become very self-invested in a negative way). I truly believe that sometimes an emphasis on these issues brings about blowing them out of proportions, seeing a whole child through a prism of an intellectual difference, etc.

 

So, I am not saying one is to sweep it under the rug or manipulate the child and not admit to some things, but there is a difference between handling it matter-of-factly at some point and refusing to dwell on it in general (while of course adapting the study load as needed), and between *emphasizing* it, especially at such a young age, and using it as a starting point from which to relate to a child.

[SKL]

Interesting re the language issue (sorry to go OT). My kids lived most of their first year in a Spanish-speaking home, and after I took custody, I hired a Spanish-speaking nanny and did many other things to try to preserve the language (which I can speak somewhat as well). Now after being with this nanny 40hrs/week for 1.5 years and then 5hrs/week for the next 2.5 years, they still refuse to speak more than a few words of Spanish. (It is so frustrating for Nanny, who is probably convinced that they are dumb.) They even have a bilingual classmate who is a favorite with my girls. In contrast, they get a little bit of French at school (30 minutes per week?), and within weeks of beginning, they were speaking more French than Spanish.

 

I'm pretty convinced that they are consciously refusing to speak Spanish. I just can't figure out why.

[Dmmetler]

That makes sense. What the OP describes doesn't sound quite like that though. Do you think it does? I guess I'm filling in the blanks in terms of what exactly was said and how it was said.

 

I wasn't there, so I don't know. If the counselor is telling the kids that they're smarter than everyone else and don't have to try to fit in, that would be damaging, I agree. If they're expressing that "I can play with Dsibling, but my neighbor never wants to play the things Dsib and I want to play", I think giving them the understanding that, yes, there's going to be a difference in playing with Dsib vs other kids because of the way you process the world, that you're very, very lucky in that Dsib and you are able to share this, and that there are tricks and tools and strategies you can use to help smooth the social waters that you're capable of using BECAUSE you're smart enough to read the situation and figure out what is needed.

 

 

I think the latter is a skillset that some gifted kids sometimes need to have explicitly laid out and taught to them. I can't say if the OP's kids fall in this category or not.

[Ester Maria]

yes, there's going to be a difference in playing with Dsib vs other kids because of the way you process the world, that you're very, very lucky in that Dsib and you are able to share this, and that there are tricks and tools and strategies you can use to help smooth the social waters that you're capable of using BECAUSE you're smart enough to read the situation and figure out what is needed.

[bold mine]

 

This is the problematic part, IMO.

 

Why not just leave it at, "Yes, you cannot play with Sally the same way that you can play with your sister. You can do different things with different people, and connect with different people in different ways."

 

Why would one have to bring up the whole processing the world thing and general statement of a fundamental difference between them and another child, at that age? Not that the child could not appreciate it intellectually - but often it is for the best emotionally, socially, "whole child"y NOT to share with them the specifics of something they could appreciate intellectually.

 

I am also of an opinion that children should be allowed a lot of room and privacy for their own increasing self-awareness. Even if we are aware of many things, I do not think we should always point it to our children or "invite ourselves" into their own self-development in those areas. I actually talked with my mother, in retrospect, about some of my issues and was surprised to learn how much she WAS aware of... but she felt those were my battles, to be faced with when *I* become aware of it on my own, in my timing, rather than something she should "suggest" to me. Those conversations have largely shaped how I approached some things with my children. I truly believe in the value of spontaneous reflection, in one's own timing, and dealing with many issues - and in parents being discreet sometimes even about "obvious" things.

[Bang!Zoom!]

From the OP's original post:

 

She tells them what they see other little kid's doing is what is normal; it's what they are doing that is unusual.

 

I think that needs to be isolated as a thought.

 

Just about the same age as the OP's children, I was taken aside by my mother after a conflict in school (and Godbless my Mom, but this was a mistake) - was told to "not" under any circumstances "show off" in school, and that we would take care of things at home...and we did actually, but..school was not pleasant from that day forward. I'm older, and outreach wasn't available or anything at the time, it was unheard of actually...but I'm telling you my life was impacted by that statement in a way that changed my destiny.

 

I'm just sayin'....

 

Setting apart even at these young ages is dynamite. I'm probably too biased to give balanced good advice honestly...

 

Just know that this psychologist is not invested in your children long-term as a part of your family. This is a really, really brief moment in time.

 

You'll get through with the kids just swell all by yourself.

 

I wouldn't want for my child (what qualifies to me as a stranger) putting ideas in my kids head period.

[Runningmom80]

I agree that would be a bad approach. I don't think that is what anyone here is advocating.

 

 

 

Yeah, not sure where that came from?

[Bang!Zoom!]

Yeah, not sure where that came from?

 

Her quote has to be taken in context with the conversation with SKL. Rabbit trails are blooming. Thou needest a paper and pen as it expands into the forest. :)

[Embassy]

I agree with this. I feel like the psychologist is creating a problem that isn't really there. If someone told me as a child that I was very different I might wonder if I were a freak, or mentally ill.

 

I do get the aspect of people saying it helped their PG cope/understand. Then again, does it really change anything?

 

I like the idea of pointing out to our children that people have differences (it's not good or bad, it just is).

 

Conversely, it may help a child to know he is different and why. I think in many cases the child already knows he is different. I know my son was relieved when I had a talk with him about his intensities. He thought something was wrong with him. It did change his perspective - in a good way. I would much rather have my child think that "I am different because God made me this way" than to think that "there is something wrong with me." We still point out that everyone has some things they are good at and some things that are difficult. We are all unique beings and self-awareness doesn't have to be after years and years of negative ideas about self.

[psychmom]

I agree with the pp who said that this psychologist is personalizing things a bit too much. I also agree with most of what Ester Maria has said (except about avoiding psychologists, but only because I am one:001_smile:). Telling children that what they are doing is "abnormal" seems like a recipe for disaster. If the child wanted an explanation for why he/she feels different, I might say something like what other posters have said (everyone's brain works differently, etc.). I think humans in general focus too much on what separates us rather than what we have in common. It's much easier to do the former than the latter, IMHO.

[Truscifi]

Nita, it is not about "allowing" or "not allowing" your children to know.

What you are talking about would be akin to not allowing your children to know they are blue-eyed amongst mostly brown-eyed people by going out of your way that you prevent them from noticing it. That is not what is being suggested. Nobody is "preventing" a child from recognizing what they will normally recognize. But, what some of us do think is that:

 

1. A child should not be "suggested" to "recognize" certain things before their time - they will recognize when their life sheds a light on those qualities and when they see how they differ, why would you wish to "speed up" that process and provide them with an information meaningless to them;

 

2. Even when the child has recognized these things, they should not "own" them in sense of celebrating arbitrary qualities they were born with (such as their brain wiring, their race, the color of their eyes, etc.) and ESPECIALLY not in sense of using those qualities as a PRISM through which to look at their entire life (which is what the psychologist from the OP was suggesting, a child's brain wiring as a prism through which to access and assess all of their life, basically).

 

I, personally, find both of these to be highly dangerous, each in its own way.

 

Kids who are "different" will KNOW they are different, and will typically know exactly at a point at which they 'should' know, when they have matured to pay an attention to it.

They are not going to lose out on ANYTHING by you not calling their attention to it.

But, they may be given a huge kiss of death if you initiate 1) and ESPECIALLY if you intiate 2). It can start a pattern of an unhealthy self-perception through a select few qualities alone, a pattern of self-ghettoization absed on those qualities ("assured" by having been suggested by "specialists" that one is different), and a pattern of a unhealthy focus on these things.

 

These things are a part of life.

They are not THE life.

There is no reason at all they should be given such a huge importance in the grand scheme of things. By posing one such quality as lenses through which you experience the world, being ultra-aware of it, you are putting a huge undue importance on that quality... and potentially missing out on a lot of other things.

 

The *emphasis* is wrong. Not the *constatation* of the fact - but the *emphasis*, the *focus* on it.

 

In my moral framework, children should not be brought up on tales of uniqueness (a better attitude would be: "You are unique. Just like everybody else." :D LOL), ultra-aware of all the differences from other people (why not teach them to search for BRIDGES to other people, rather than to search for neat lines which SEPARATE them from other people?), nor should any given arbitrary quality be represented to them as them. You are not only your intellect. You are also your emotions, the totality of your body, the person in any number of social roles you take (as a daughter, as a sister, as a friend, etc.), and more importantly, you are a developing being who could not have affected certain accidents of birth, but who CAN and SHOULD affect what kind of person they are growing up to be and THAT should be the focus of upbringing, not any arbitrary qualities. Arbitrary inborn qualities are something to recognize, not ignore or downplay, but recognized, adapt what needs to be adapted in life to it, and MOVE ON. No *focus*. No *emphasis*. Not allowing children to get soaked into it and *identify* with it. They know anyway. There is no point in sheding any additional light onto it. Life will shed enough light on those differences anyway. There is no point in celebrating it, either - *accomplishments* are celebrated, not *potential*.

 

I think it is highly morally problematic to go against all these things with such a small child as a person in a position of authority. Yes, when kids are a bit older, you can, and probably should, have a frank conversation or two on these matters (a conversation or two - not extended ponderings of their own brilliance... rather focus on applying that brilliance, not in "recognizing" it). But when they are small, and impressionable, and only learning to differentiate what qualities matter and what do not, these things can be toxic and set them up for some very negative mental habits.

 

But you are identifying an intellectual appreciation of something with a certain type of a mature emotional / social response... what happens when there is a mismatch between the two?

 

An intelligent child will make the observation that they are "off" anyway. You will not be able to prevent them making that observation. But pointing their attention to it will not necessarily imply an emotional and a social maturity will automatically follow. It typically takes time for those to develop and meanwhile, why would you emphasize or put such a big importance on the intellectual difference?

 

 

Ester Maria, I have a great deal of respect for you and agree with you on many topics, but I think in this case you are a) reading to much into what the psychologist said and b) viewing this rather narrowly due to your experiences with your own children. We don't know that the psychologist did any more than make a single statement in the course of one or more sessions. I do agree that if the psychologist is focusing on the child being abnormal vs other children who are normal, that is a bad thing. I don't agree that pointing out that a child who is struggling is different than most of his peers is automatically bad. I would suggest OP talk to the psychologist about this further to determine the context and level of emphasis.

 

Also, not all gifted kids automatically understand how they are different, or view others as being deficient in comparison. Not all gifted kids have natural social skills. As far as I can tell from what you have said about your kids, I was rather like them, and my mother handled the issue of different abilities very similarly to the way you have described. Dh is also gifted, but did not have natural social skills and did not view others as deficient, but rather himself because he couldn't make others understand what he was saying. He needed to be told that other people don't think the way he does, and he can't go from A to E without connecting the dots if he wants them to follow his train of thought (and that there is nothing wrong with his thinking or theirs, they are just different). He still needs to be reminded of this occasionally, even though he is a successful manager in his company and overall deals with people well.

 

Ds is more like dh than me in this. We have talked about how he is different (not better) and have emphasized how every one has different areas where they excel, but I did have to spell it out that he thinks differently than others, and they won't always be able or willing to keep up with his train of thought. Having it laid out for him helped him tremendously, because he stopped trying to have theological discussions or discuss the implications for the latest discovery of new hominid fossils with 8 year olds, and started saving them for adults who were willing to take the time to talk to him. He spends his time with kids his age talking about Pokemon and karate, which has helped him connect with them a lot more. He finally feels like he has friends, and he doesn't get frustrated with himself or them because he doesn't expect them to have the same interests he does.

 

Wow, that was a lot longer and more detailed than I originally intended. My point was that different kids need different approaches, and talking about being different, even emphasizing it to a degree, isn't always bad.

[Ester Maria]

We don't know that the psychologist did any more than make a single statement in the course of one or more sessions.

True :), but such a statement alone, directly to the child, at the impressionable age of five, by a person in a position of some kind of a professional authority, overpasses some fine invisible lines of parental authority, IMO. It does not matter whether the statement is factually correct or not, what matters is that that person allowed themselves a certain "freedom of comment" which I believe is even morally wrong in that position and with a child of that age.

I did have to spell it out that he thinks differently than others.

I spelled it out to my children more or less this way (paraphrasing): Every person has a great number of characteristics, because who we are is essentially comprised out of all of those tiny pieces. Now, each of those characteristics is shared with some people - meaning that they have it too in comparable form and intensity - and not shared with some other people, meaning that they do not. And sometimes, the number of people with whom the characteristic is shared is very, very small, perhaps to the point of not having a direct contact with them. That is all there is to it. Those children are not "different" in any "mystical" and essential sense (as it might sound to a five year old) - it is not who they "are" - as much as they are simply, with regards to one arbitrary inborn characteristic, a statistical minority, which means there will be very few people who will be like them in that aspect.

 

And just like they would not attempt to speak their language with people who do not speak it, i.e. who do not share that characteristic (speaking the language) as the point of encounter, but with whom it is a point of distance... likewise, they should not ask from people to give to them something they cannot give to them in the general intellectual realm, and seek for other points of encounter with them.

 

So I think we got the same point across, more or less. I just also managed to avoid the whole "different" and "special" thing, which is my personal little pet peeve. :tongue_smilie:

 

But I do think you are right. I probably am reading into it too much & there probably are children for whom my approach would not have been explicit enough or who would need an overall different thing.

[Sahamamama]

It is not about what you were given. It is about what you DO with what you were given. THAT is where 100% of the focus should be. Who cares about smart and who cares about blue eyes - show me *concrete accomplishment*, honey.

 

At this age, when no real frank discussions are needed, I would keep my child very far away from such comments if I were you. From a moral standpoint, they can be a kiss of death, especially if told by a person with supposed authority to say so (like a psychologist, in the child's eyes).

 

I agree with this, and I thank you for posting it, because there are times when the culture surrounding me pushes for "professional validation" of what I (and my children) already know. IOW, there are enough people in our world saying things like "Wow, they are little geniuses!" or "Wow, have you had them tested?" or "Wow, most adults don't know that, and you're only four years old!"

 

And so on. Most of these pronouncements are stated directly in front of my children. It puts us on the spot. As the parent/teacher, I am staunchly in support of concrete accomplishment, and that is what we emphasize. Perhaps casual observers like the WOW factor of labeling them little Einsteins, but it does make me cringe.

[Laura Corin]

I agree with this, and I thank you for posting it, because there are times when the culture surrounding me pushes for "professional validation" of what I (and my children) already know. IOW, there are enough people in our world saying things like "Wow, they are little geniuses!" or "Wow, have you had them tested?" or "Wow, most adults don't know that, and you're only four years old!"

 

And so on. Most of these pronouncements are stated directly in front of my children. It puts us on the spot. As the parent/teacher, I am staunchly in support of concrete accomplishment, and that is what we emphasize. Perhaps casual observers like the WOW factor of labeling them little Einsteins, but it does make me cringe.

 

When people make those kinds of comments, I reply with '[My child] likes [whatever the 'Wow' subject was]. You were saying that [your child] is really excited about [Judo, scrapbooking, computer games...] ...' It moves the topic from intelligence to interests and takes my children (and me) off the spot.

 

Laura

[Donna]

There is little point in emphasizing it, stressing over it, putting a big importance on it.

 

It is a fact of life, akin to the color of their eyes.

 

Nod your head, recognize, MOVE ON, no dwelling on it, no "explaining", no "pondering", no intellectual self-ghettoization from other children and the rest of the society, no preferential treatment, no nothing. They are a kid like any other, with a set of arbitrary characteristics which more or less define them, no point in dwelling on those characteristics, continue to live as you normally do.

 

:iagree: I think the psychologist was way off base telling young kids they are not normal. They may not think like the average child thinks but the way they think is perfectly normal for them and for other gifted children. I would not want my child to hear she isn't "normal." There are people who are smarter, less intelligent, prettier, not as pretty, more talented, or less talented all over the world. What exactly is "normal" anyway?

 

It is not about what you were given. It is about what you DO with what you were given. THAT is where 100% of the focus should be. Who cares about smart and who cares about blue eyes - show me *concrete accomplishment*, honey.

 

At this age, when no real frank discussions are needed, I would keep my child very far away from such comments if I were you. From a moral standpoint, they can be a kiss of death, especially if told by a person with supposed authority to say so (like a psychologist, in the child's eyes).

 

Yes, I agree with this part especially...Ester Maria put it so much better than I could have. I rarely tell anyone irl what my dd is doing school-wise and I hate when people call my dd a "prodigy" within her hearing. I always respond with something along the lines of "she practices very well and loves what she does." Prodigy, to me, infers that it all just comes naturally and she doesn't have to work but my dd does work at what she does and that is so much more important than any God-given talent.

 

I think telling someone they are "different" might put them in the mindset that they don't need to work on forming relationships with others or that they are somehow "better" than the poor people who are "only normal."

 

There are lots of people out there with potential who don't use it and also people who go beyond the potential others thought they had because they were not as intellectually gifted. I think our kids need to learn to meet people where they are...being able to find a common bond with different people whether they are older, younger, or the same age but different intellectually or culturally is something to be nurtured.

[Runningmom80]

 

 

 

 

I think telling someone they are "different" might put them in the mindset that they don't need to work on forming relationships with others or that they are somehow "better" than the poor people who are "only normal."

 

There are lots of people out there with potential who don't use it and also people who go beyond the potential others thought they had because they were not as intellectually gifted. I think our kids need to learn to meet people where they are...being able to find a common bond with different people whether they are older, younger, or the same age but different intellectually or culturally is something to be nurtured.

 

Yes, it is something to be nurtured, but when kids want nothing to do with my child, and he is feeling sad about it, it helps that he knows and we can talk about him being different.

 

I'm guessing a lot of those with the opinions of "don't make an issue of giftedness"have never had their children in a school setting. It was crucial for me to talk to my son about why he was in a montessori class with 30 other kids, and none of the kids wanted to talk to him.

 

I am of the opinion that every child is different, and there is no one size fits all answer to this, and it bothers me that some speak in such absolutes. I think it's dangerous.

 

I would encourage anyone who is making the decision about whether or not totals about it with their child to read up on giftedness and see what the experts in the field say and go from there.

[LisaKinVA]

I am of the opinion that every child is different, and there is no one size fits all answer to this, and it bothers me that some speak in such absolutes. I think it's dangerous.

 

I would encourage anyone who is making the decision about whether or not totals about it with their child to read up on giftedness and see what the experts in the field say and go from there.

 

:iagree: I don't borrow trouble. IOW, we don't set out to discuss "differences" unless those "differences" become an issue. My younger son (8) is completely oblivious... his peer interaction revolves around cub scouts, LEGO, Transformers and Pokemon. He has some awareness, but for the most part it's a non-issue. My dd (10) internalizes things and is much more self aware, much more self-critical, and would think something is wrong with her. We've had very in-depth discussions with this one, and she has learned how to adapt to her environment with various girls. She does not have any "very close" friends, but she isn't ostracized, nor does she ostracize herself. It's my dream for her to find a girl she can just be herself with, without having to edit her thoughts, so the others don't do :001_huh: faces). My oldest son (12), is the one who was the *most* exposed to continual talk about how "smart" he is... he is the one we have the *most* issues with regarding our praising his efforts vs. nearly everyone else he meets talking about how "smart" he is. He feels he should just get to skate by (because he's so smart). He doesn't look down on anyone, though.

 

We have to meet our children where they are and help them with the tools we have at our disposal. Many, many children will not have any issues... there will be some (like my dd) who will.

[Ester Maria]

I'm guessing a lot of those with the opinions of "don't make an issue of giftedness"have never had their children in a school setting. It was crucial for me to talk to my son about why he was in a montessori class with 30 other kids, and none of the kids wanted to talk to him.

Guess again. :tongue_smilie:

 

In several different countries, no less.

 

True, not for EXTENDED periods of time as of yet (though one child went to school now, and the other one will probably, starting next year), but peer group and school experience nonetheless.

 

And my kids are 14 and 15 (and 1.5 :)), so the overall amount of time they have spent in some institutional setting, adding up all of those experiences has most likely been greater than that of your Ker (assuming you have no older children and the quote above was related to your personal experience).

Edited March 5, 2012 by Ester Maria

[Runningmom80]

Well I certainly wasn't trying to call anyone one out, I was speaking as a generalization. And I didn't say all, I said most. But even still, your kids experience isn't my kids' experience, so what works for your family may not be the answer for mine. That's all I'm getting at.

 

 

Personally I wish someone would have talked to me about giftedness, perfectionism, underachieving, overexcitabilities, etc when I was a student. If I can save my kids the trouble, I will. But that's just me. :)

 

Eta: I'm always typing on a phone or an iPad, so I'd my posts don't make sense, that is why.