Kids and Remarriage

[myfatherslily]

I've like to get thoughts and experiences from those of you who remarried after divorce when you had young children OR were young when your parents remarried.

 

Ex and I have been separated for 2 years and divorced for 1 year. He is getting remarried next month. DD7 is excited about the wedding. DS3 is fairly oblivious. :) DS5 doesn't want to go. He very much likes the woman who will be his step-mom, but says, "I want Daddy to marry you."

 

Ex would like all 3 kids to go. I think he shouldn't be made to go if he doesn't want to. Thoughts?? (If it helps, our divorce went smoothly, no bumps or arguments, and was not the result of any significant trouble. We get along fine, as casual friends.)

 

Also, I wondered if it would help the kids if I went to the wedding. I don't want to go. But if it would help them in any way, I'll suck it up and do it. I'd love to hear experiences on that aspect, as well.

[justamouse]

:grouphug:

 

I hate saying this, because it goes against respecting kid's emotions, but I think you all should go. If there is no animosity, then I would suck it up. It shows them that you can celebrate his happiness which is very loving.

[myfatherslily]

Thanks. I did wonder if it would help their feelings on the matter if I go.

[*********]

:grouphug:

 

I hate saying this, because it goes against respecting kid's emotions, but I think you all should go. If there is no animosity, then I would suck it up. It shows them that you can celebrate his happiness which is very loving.

 

:iagree:

 

So you know where I'm coming from:

 

My mom and dad divorced when I was 4, and my dad remarried when I was 5. I was a jr. bridesmaid in dad and stepmom's wedding.

 

My dh was not married before, but had two children who were 4 and 7 when we got married. Dsd and dss were the flower girl and ring bearer in our wedding.

 

If I were you, I'd go and take the kids. That is, assuming your ex and his new bride are good with that. It'll go a LONG way in making good relationships.

[Paisley Hedgehog]

nm

[bluemongoose]

I was very young when my parents divorced and my mother remarried shortly after. My bio dad was a deadbeat, so different situation. I gladly went to my mothers wedding (she had custody of us anyway, so I am not sure how I would have not gone :lol:). I was/am very loved by my (step) dad and he was a very positive addition to our family.

 

However, the 1st time my father remarried I was not present and was told nothing. I showed up for visitation and he introduced me to his new wife. The next visitation they were already divorced. I didnt look kindly on how it was all handled, and never really talked the woman. The second time he got remarried I was tricked into going to the wedding. He didnt tell me (again) that he was engaged, and just waited until he picked me up for visitation. The wedding was planned for the next day, and as I had no way of going home, I had to attend. I did feel forced and would have preferred the option to skip it. I didnt like this woman either. I was not 5yo when all this happened though, I was at least 10....so maybe old enough to make that call???

 

I am glad my mother was not at the weddings because they do not get along and it would not have gone smoothly.

 

Will your son tell you why he doesnt want to go? If it is just because weddings are boring, I would probably have him go anyway. If there is a better reason, I think I would take that into consideration. If he and his dad have a good relationship, I think he should probably go.

[myfatherslily]

Um. Well. Speaking as a second wife, you might want to find out if your ex and his new bride want YOU to be there. Not to be rude or disrespectful, but it can be uncomfortable for everyone if the ex is there, even if there's no ugliness. This is their day. Maybe your kids can attend with your ex-in-laws or S/BIL ?

 

They are fine with it.

 

I was very young when my parents divorced and my mother remarried shortly after. My bio dad was a deadbeat, so different situation. I gladly went to my mothers wedding (she had custody of us anyway, so I am not sure how I would have not gone :lol:). I was/am very loved by my (step) dad and he was a very positive addition to our family.

 

However, the 1st time my father remarried I was not present and was told nothing. I showed up for visitation and he introduced me to his new wife. The next visitation they were already divorced. I didnt look kindly on how it was all handled, and never really talked the woman. The second time he got remarried I was tricked into going to the wedding. He didnt tell me (again) that he was engaged, and just waited until he picked me up for visitation. The wedding was planned for the next day, and as I had no way of going home, I had to attend. I did feel forced and would have preferred the option to skip it. I didnt like this woman either. I was not 5yo when all this happened though, I was at least 10....so maybe old enough to make that call???

 

I am glad my mother was not at the weddings because they do not get along and it would not have gone smoothly.

 

Will your son tell you why he doesnt want to go? If it is just because weddings are boring, I would probably have him go anyway. If there is a better reason, I think I would take that into consideration. If he and his dad have a good relationship, I think he should probably go.

 

He says he doesn't want Daddy to marry C., he wants Daddy to marry me. Basically, he really wishes Daddy would move back here.

[bluemongoose]

I can understand in his 5yo head how that might be the reason and that he might think that by resisting going that his dad might change his mind. I think you just need to have a loving yet frank conversation with him. Let him know that you and Daddy are not going to get married again. That Daddy is going to marry C and that he needs to get used to the idea. You also need to tell him that Daddy needs his family to be at his wedding, it is a special time for him and he would want DS to be there. And give him lots of hugs and reassurance that it will all be ok.

 

Sometimes kids just need the blunt truth because sometimes things are not going to work out the way you want them to. And sometimes it helps to hear it firmly and honestly said so you can get over hoping it will be different and learn to accept what is. My parents had to do that with me sometimes, and although it hurt, it helped me to accept it faster and move on with life.

[MHowell]

:grouphug:

 

I hate saying this, because it goes against respecting kid's emotions, but I think you all should go. If there is no animosity, then I would suck it up. It shows them that you can celebrate his happiness which is very loving.

 

:iagree:

 

It is whats best for them (the kids), as long as the new marriage is a healthy one then the kids will be exposed to her as a step-parent, and it sets the tone for their future relationship.

[higginszoo]

I do think that it's important for your ds to go. If you and his dad think that it would be helpful for you to be there to help him process it (it might, since being there is a show of support), and both he and his fiancee are ok with that, then yeah, you may need to go too, even though it's going to be a bit awkward.

[Joanne]

His father is getting married; he should be "made" to go.

 

I know you are already doing this, but he needs to know (daily, if necessary):

 

1. The divorce is not his fault. There is nothing he did (or didn't do) that caused it, and he can't change it.

 

2. Mommy and Daddy still love HIM even though they don't love each other.

 

3. It's hard, and it's heartbreaking but Mommy and Daddy are happy they made him, but will never be married to each other again. He can't wish it hard enough, and he can't make that happen.

 

4. He can feel any way he wants towards his step mom, but he must always act respectful and, at minimum, cordial.

[myfatherslily]

Thank you all. This helps very much. I think, then, that I'll go. I'll have to step up my praying a lot, though... ugh.

 

Oh, and their wedding is a few days after DS's birthday. I don't think he knows that, since he can't seem to figure out when his birthday actually is (other than "after Christmas and soon-ish"). We'll make sure his party is first, so I don't think it will matter. A week to a little boy is pretty much forever!

[angela in ohio]

Thank you all. This helps very much. I think, then, that I'll go. I'll have to step up my praying a lot, though... ugh.

 

 

I have no experience to share, but wanted to say that you are awesome for putting your dc's needs above your comfort! :grouphug:

[Laurie4b]

I think the kids should go because it's an important event in their father's life. However, you shouldn't have to take them. One of x-dh's relatives or someone else of his arranging should chaperone them. No one should have to go to the wedding of an ex. That's just painful for everyone, including other guests.

[MindyD]

I think the kids should go because it's an important event in their father's life. However, you shouldn't have to take them. One of x-dh's relatives or someone else of his arranging should chaperone them. No one should have to go to the wedding of an ex. That's just painful for everyone, including other guests.

:iagree:

[Rjmakmom]

I am divorced and got remarried when my kids were 8, 5 and 4. My ex husband came to the wedding because it was important to my kids. Did my husband or I necessarily want him there? No, but we all thought it important for the kids to see us as a united front on that day. Ironically, 2 years later when my ex remarried, his new wife got ready at my house, I kept her kids while they went away for the weekend, and I paid for them to have 2 nights at a b&b. Crazy or what? :)

[Spryte]

I think the kids should go because it's an important event in their father's life. However, you shouldn't have to take them. One of x-dh's relatives or someone else of his arranging should chaperone them. No one should have to go to the wedding of an ex. That's just painful for everyone, including other guests.

 

Reluctantly, I have to agree with this. I think the idea of you attending for your kids' sake is beautiful and kind. I want to nod and say, "Yes, absolutely - go!"

 

But... I think that this is the formation of a new family unit, for them, and that if a grandparent, aunt, or uncle could take them to the wedding... It would be more appropriate (and maybe more comfortable for you, from the sound of your posts?). I think you can support the kids and the new marriage in a multitude of ways, and that support will be invaluable to your kiddos. If you need ideas, I've heard a ton over the years, some really heart melting ways to support new wives... I would be happy to share...

 

Full disclosure: I'm a stepmom, and have been for many, many years. That experience likely influences my thoughts on this...

 

My feeling here is that - yes, the kids should attend. Absolutely. And much like going to certain events in their lives (like, say, court ordered visitation with Dad where there is no abuse or neglect) some events are not negotiable, and giving them the choice to go or not, well, like eating vegetables - they may not make the best choice. Some events - even in my family now, I'd rather not attend... but we do, because we are family.

 

It's okay if you disagree with me... Just wanted to throw out some alternate thoughts.

[JessReplanted]

He says he doesn't want Daddy to marry C., he wants Daddy to marry me. Basically, he really wishes Daddy would move back here.

 

He will probably feel this way for a very long time. I think the best think to do is just reply with something like: "I know. This is hard for you."

 

I honestly don't know what I would do about the wedding.

 

((hugs))

[In the Rain]

I have no experience to share, but wanted to say that you are awesome for putting your dc's needs above your comfort! :grouphug:

 

:iagree: This is what I was thinking.

[Spryte]

I am divorced and got remarried when my kids were 8, 5 and 4. My ex husband came to the wedding because it was important to my kids. Did my husband or I necessarily want him there? No, but we all thought it important for the kids to see us as a united front on that day. Ironically, 2 years later when my ex remarried, his new wife got ready at my house, I kept her kids while they went away for the weekend, and I paid for them to have 2 nights at a b&b. Crazy or what? :)

 

That is really cool!

 

Makes me rethink my above post. :)

 

Whatever you work out, for the kids, will be great. Maybe just talk to your ex and his soon to be wife, and get their thoughts.

[Joanne]

I am divorced and got remarried when my kids were 8, 5 and 4. My ex husband came to the wedding because it was important to my kids. Did my husband or I necessarily want him there? No, but we all thought it important for the kids to see us as a united front on that day. Ironically, 2 years later when my ex remarried, his new wife got ready at my house, I kept her kids while they went away for the weekend, and I paid for them to have 2 nights at a b&b. Crazy or what? :)

 

I'm jealous of your divorce. ;) I know a few divorced couples "like that" and wanted so much for that to be the reality for my kids.

 

Yea, you!

[myfunnybunch]

Reluctantly, I have to agree with this. I think the idea of you attending for your kids' sake is beautiful and kind. I want to nod and say, "Yes, absolutely - go!"

 

But... I think that this is the formation of a new family unit, for them, and that if a grandparent, aunt, or uncle could take them to the wedding... It would be more appropriate (and maybe more comfortable for you, from the sound of your posts?). I think you can support the kids and the new marriage in a multitude of ways, and that support will be invaluable to your kiddos. If you need ideas, I've heard a ton over the years, some really heart melting ways to support new wives... I would be happy to share...

 

Full disclosure: I'm a stepmom, and have been for many, many years. That experience likely influences my thoughts on this...

 

My feeling here is that - yes, the kids should attend. Absolutely. And much like going to certain events in their lives (like, say, court ordered visitation with Dad where there is no abuse or neglect) some events are not negotiable, and giving them the choice to go or not, well, like eating vegetables - they may not make the best choice. Some events - even in my family now, I'd rather not attend... but we do, because we are family.

 

 

I was trying to decide what to say, and here it is already.

 

My dh and I married with two young daughters. (One mine, one his.) Our daughters were very much a part of the ceremony and the day. I think it might be more confusing to the children to have you there on that day, especially the one(s) wishing Daddy was marrying you again instead.

 

Maybe there's something special you could do with the children, make a card from all of them, or help them shop for a small gift to celebrate their new family. Something that gives them the message that you are happy for them and for the new couple.

 

:grouphug: Your children are SO fortunate that you want to support them in this new relationship. It makes it much easier for everyone to stay on the same page as parents.

 

Cat

[mom2scouts]

My parents divorced and remarried when I was 7 years old. I did not go to either wedding and I wouldn't force a young child to go. Think about it. It's weird to have mommy or daddy marrying someone else and essentially starting a new family with them. If one is saying he wants daddy to marry you, it's obvious he's still grieving the family he once had. After my parents divorced, I had a recurrent nightmare about losing my home and family that lasted for many years. I never told anyone about it until I was an adult. I really don't think it's a good idea for you to be there at all watching your ex make the same vows he made to you. That would be really confusing for the kids.

 

In full disclosure, my stepfather is a great guy who always treated me like a biological daughter. My stepmother was an angry, mean woman whose own children were juvenile delinquents. She always made me feel like I was an annoyance in her life.

[Renee in NC]

I went to my oldest's father's marriage and he came to mine. He and I were never married and things were never really smooth between us, but it was a respect thing. I was happy for him when he married and enjoyed his wedding.

 

This is the norm in my immediate family, though, as there is significant contact between the wives and ex-wives (all my dad's!:lol:) My dad's ex-wife (my brother's mom) took the family picture of my dad, his current wife, my brother and I, and our families. My dad considers her daughter (who came long after they divorced) as one of his children and her daughter as his granddaughter. That daughter is also my sister (though she isn't really - legally or biologically - we just share a brother in common.)

 

Anyway, the point is that divorce and remarriage is never simple, but the more normal you can make it, the better off everyone will be.

 

ETA: I was in my dad's second wedding, his third, and his fourth (when they renewed their vows - they eloped the first time.)

[Anne in CA]

My gut reaction is that it probably will be confusing to your 5yo if you are there. They are starting a new family, and he is right, it technically is the death of the idea that all of you could be together again. That is why my dh and I got married at the courthouse with a few friends. We have been married almost 21 years, so we were not hurt by it. Dh felt that it would be wrong for his children to have to celebrate the end of the family that was. It was never even a slightly happy family, but it was what they knew, and he was sorry it never worked out for their sake.

 

I do think he should go. In ten years if they are still married he will feel excluded to see their wedding pic on their mantle without him. It would not be a good thing to do to him, it would make him an outsider in his own family.

 

Second families can work out, ours has, but it is lots of work and pain and selflessness that make it happen. Your son will unfortunately have to start being selfless now. It isn't fair, but it is what is.

[Starr]

His father is getting married; he should be "made" to go.

 

I know you are already doing this, but he needs to know (daily, if necessary):

 

1. The divorce is not his fault. There is nothing he did (or didn't do) that caused it, and he can't change it.

 

2. Mommy and Daddy still love HIM even though they don't love each other.

 

3. It's hard, and it's heartbreaking but Mommy and Daddy are happy they made him, but will never be married to each other again. He can't wish it hard enough, and he can't make that happen.

 

4. He can feel any way he wants towards his step mom, but he must always act respectful and, at minimum, cordial.

 

:iagree: again ;)

[Scarlett]

I am divorced and got remarried when my kids were 8, 5 and 4. My ex husband came to the wedding because it was important to my kids. Did my husband or I necessarily want him there? No, but we all thought it important for the kids to see us as a united front on that day. Ironically, 2 years later when my ex remarried, his new wife got ready at my house, I kept her kids while they went away for the weekend, and I paid for them to have 2 nights at a b&b. Crazy or what? :)

 

Yes. Crazy.

[Scarlett]

My parents divorced and remarried when I was 7 years old. I did not go to either wedding and I wouldn't force a young child to go. Think about it. It's weird to have mommy or daddy marrying someone else and essentially starting a new family with them. If one is saying he wants daddy to marry you, it's obvious he's still grieving the family he once had. After my parents divorced, I had a recurrent nightmare about losing my home and family that lasted for many years. I never told anyone about it until I was an adult. I really don't think it's a good idea for you to be there at all watching your ex make the same vows he made to you. That would be really confusing for the kids.

 

I agree.

[Scarlett]

I wonder if it makes a difference how the marriage ended and if the new spouse/step-parent was involved in the break up of the marriage. I can promise you that my ds will NEVER attend the wedding of his father and the 'girlfriend' that was half of the reason for our divorce. My XH would have a battle on his hands to try and force that issue.

 

Beyond that particular situation, I would certainly strongly encourage a child past age 10 or so to attend their parents wedding....but I wouldn't insist.

[Amy in NH]

I've done both cases.

 

You shouldn't go, but all of the kids should.

[misidawnrn]

I try hard to get along with ex's new wife only for the sake of our DD. We separated right after DD's 4th birthday. I don't want my opinion of the homewrecking #)U)#*)@ to skew her idea of her and I will let her form her own opinions. Besides the fact that she had an affair with ex which led him to leave me for her, she isn't too bad of a person and also tries to get along with me. We don't hang out or anything but she is the main person dropping off and picking DD up since her job is only a mile or so from our house which is out of town. I didn't go to their wedding, nor was I invited but if DD was having a hard time with the wedding, I would have accompanied her...ONLY for the sake of DD and her acceptance of the situation. Maybe you could fein happiness about the wedding to get your child more into it. I am also remarried and ex actually has known my DH longer than me (I didn't know DH before we met after ex and I separated though, it's just a small world)

[Splinter]

My ex-wife is getting remarried in June, and all four of my kids will go. She hasn't told them about the wedding yet, because they haven't met her fiance yet and she wants them to get to know and like him before they know he'll be their stepdad. I know I won't be attending the wedding, so my kids will go with their grandparents.

 

I think all your kids should go to the wedding. Your ex-husband should try to include DS in some of the plans to make him more comfortable, letting him know exactly what's going to happen and letting DS decide how much he wants to participate.

[Laura Corin]

That's really difficult. I think it would be better if all the children went, so that - in the future - they don't feel that their dad is creating a new life and abandoning them. Personally, as a child who attended her father's second marriage, I was glad my mother wasn't there: the day was very hard and would have been harder if my mother had been there. The situation was different however - I was sixteen, and my father had left my mother to be with the woman he was then marrying.

 

Do you have a trusted friend/relative who could be in charge of the children at the wedding and make them feel comfortable during the day? And do you have a trusted friend/relative with whom you could spend the day (so your children don't worry)?

 

Best wishes

 

Laura

[tex-mex]

:grouphug:

 

I hate saying this, because it goes against respecting kid's emotions, but I think you all should go. If there is no animosity, then I would suck it up. It shows them that you can celebrate his happiness which is very loving.

I agree.

 

You need to begin the bonds of the other family in your children. This does not mean they will stop loving you. Divorce can be tough. My parents divorced when I was 4 and it was a nightmare. My mother did not want my dad having visitation and refused any of us to see his side of the family. When my mom died (I was 20) -- I finally got to meet my dad and his side of the family. I was delighted to find out they were very nice and kind folk. I was raised (brainwashed) to think the opposite. :glare: To this day, I am upset that my mom was selfish to play me like a pawn over her issues with my dad.

 

Be the better person. Let the kids go. Go to the wedding. It will be hard but years from now, your kids will appreciate the time you spent trying to make a bond with their father. :grouphug:

[myfatherslily]

It is SO helpful to read all your thoughts and I appreciate them! I think my own point of view skews my thoughts a bit.

 

Some ideas were presented here about how to help the children be involved and bond. I'm open to more ideas. I pretty much stay out of it when possible, and simply provide a neutral, non-negative "support". Maybe there's something else I could do. I will think about going to the wedding, and see how the next few weeks play out. If DS needs me to go in order to feel okay with going, I'll do that. I'll make an effort to discuss it more with them and encourage DS.

[MelanieM]

Sarah, I think you're amazing. I'm sure it's not all roses navigating through this, but the gift you are giving your children is simply wonderful. One day they will be able to look back with adult eyes and see just how blessed they've been to have you as a mother. Spoken as a child of divorced parents. :grouphug:

[Scarlett]

That's really difficult. I think it would be better if all the children went, so that - in the future - they don't feel that their dad is creating a new life and abandoning them. Personally, as a child who attended her father's second marriage, I was glad my mother wasn't there: the day was very hard and would have been harder if my mother had been there. The situation was different however - I was sixteen, and my father had left my mother to be with the woman he was then marrying.

 

Do you have a trusted friend/relative who could be in charge of the children at the wedding and make them feel comfortable during the day? And do you have a trusted friend/relative with whom you could spend the day (so your children don't worry)?

 

Best wishes

 

Laura

.

:grouphug: very cruel imo for your to expect u to be there.

[*********]

Sarah, I think you're amazing. I'm sure it's not all roses navigating through this, but the gift you are giving your children is simply wonderful. One day they will be able to look back with adult eyes and see just how blessed they've been to have you as a mother. Spoken as a child of divorced parents. :grouphug:

 

:iagree:

 

Really Sarah, I have tears in my eyes.

 

My dad and stepmom married when I was 5. My mom had visitation. She was into some pretty bad things (I've read the court papers). Either way, SHE IS MY MOTHER. There really was no call for the awful things my stepmother said about my mother to me. Not in front of me; TO me. All.the.time.

 

How you talk about/treat their new stepmom is a relection on YOU, not her. So long as she's not abusive to your children, a mother should work as hard as necessary to be (at the very least) civil to her child's stepmother. And it sounds as though you've gone FAR beyond civil.

 

Your children will thank you for this gift when they're grown.

[Laura Corin]

 

Some ideas were presented here about how to help the children be involved and bond. I'm open to more ideas. I pretty much stay out of it when possible, and simply provide a neutral, non-negative "support". Maybe there's something else I could do. I will think about going to the wedding, and see how the next few weeks play out. If DS needs me to go in order to feel okay with going, I'll do that. I'll make an effort to discuss it more with them and encourage DS.

 

My mother did her best to remain neutral too, and did a good job of it. Unfortunately, once I became adult she expected me to revolt against my father and stepmother, to be 'on her side'. This has been very difficult: I was eleven when they split up and in no position to judge the rights and wrongs of the split. By continuing to remain detached as an adult from the conflict (which was largely hidden from me as a child) I have, in my mother's eyes, betrayed her.

 

Best of luck with navigating these difficult paths,

 

Laura

[PiCO]

Um. Well. Speaking as a second wife, you might want to find out if your ex and his new bride want YOU to be there.

 

And think about the rest of the wedding party. My bil told his ex she could be at his new wedding, because his kids wanted her there- but had to rescind the invite later because mil would have freaked out.

 

Doesn't sound like this applies to you, just be thoughtful of everyone. I think it's great that you are willing to support your children in this way.

[Jilly]

Do you have a trusted friend/relative who could be in charge of the children at the wedding and make them feel comfortable during the day?

 

When my ex got remarried the kids did not want to go by themselves. They did not know anyone at the wedding besides their dad and his soon-to-be wife, and they were scared about having to sit alone during the service.

 

I did not want to go, so my parents took the kids. It was not something they were looking forward to, but they thought the kids should be at the wedding. It worked out fine, and I am glad the kids have good memories of the wedding.

[fourcatmom]

I married a man with three children who between 4 and 10. The middle child, a girl wanted to come but she was pretty upset about having to dress up and participate. The 10 yo dd stood on my side at the wedding (her choice) and the four yo ds stood with his dad. We allowed the 6dd to stand with her Dad as well on his side. I wouldn't have been comfortable with his ex there but that's our relationship. It was really a matter of finding out what was upsetting and trying to work around it. I also wanted them all to participate because I was really marrying a family and not just a man, imo.

 

I have a great relationship with all three kids still 11 years later.