Too young to marry? How 'young' were you?

[Mommyof4ks]

We were 19, and 13 years later we are still married and have a wonderful life. I still feel the need to say, 'and no we didn't have to get married', IYKWIM.

[AHASRADA]

I was 18 (and 2 months), dh was 21. We will celebrate 20 years in a couple of weeks :D.

 

My parents were 17 and 20, and they celebrated 41 years last month.

 

I believe that, while knowing yourself and what type of person you would be most compatible with are extremely helpful (and these insights are more likely to be present as we age), values and commitment are most important.

 

Opposites attract, and dh and I are different in many ways, which can cause friction. However, our values, goals for our lives and for our children, and our commitment to marriage are the same.

 

Marrying young, when one is sure, stable and there are no other obvious red flags in the relationship, can save a person from years of heartache, instability and loneliness. I can't tell you how many friends have a story of their "true love" whom they wish they had married, but their parents pushed them apart because they were "too young".

 

Of course marrying young is not for everyone, but if these are serious young people who are committed to their values, to their families and to marriage, and if the families have no well-founded objections to the character of either party, they have an excellent chance of having a healthy marriage for many years to come.

[Amber in AUS]

I got married at 21, DH was 30. My sister had a child with her long term BF at 18 and their relationship fell apart, they were not married, the pregnancy was not planned. I guess you just never know what is around the corner.

[Stillwood]

I quickly scrolled through the thread and didn't see any mention of how old the boyfriend is. I think that is important to know.

 

 

He's 19, will be 20 when they marry.

[LittleIzumi]

Just over 19! Dh was 27. 8 years and still awesome!!

[Dustybug]

I was 22 when I got married and we celebrated our 6 year anniversary in Sept. I think maturity has a lot to do with it. My brother is 19 and back in August married a 21 year old girl who he had only been dating for 2 weeks. They are now separated and she is 10 weeks pregnant. :glare:

[Sevilla]

The research does show that getting married prior to age 20 has a much higher divorce rate than getting married in your 20's.

 

That said, I knew I was going to marry my DH at age 18 though we waited until I was over 20 due to school (we also 'waited' too).

[Singingmom]

I am amazed at how young so many of you were when you got married! No way was i mature enough at 19-24 for marriage! I graduated college, and worked as a Chaplain with foster kid's for 10 + years before getting married. It wasn't my plan to wait quite so long, and I did have one broken engagement before I married at 36. The man that I married was worth waiting for. He is my best friend and i can't imagine a better match...we just fit, but i had to wait for it! I hope my boys don't have to wait quite as long as I did! I think mid to late 20's- early 30's are perfect when you've found the right person.

[WeeBeaks]

I was 22, DH 23. We have been married 14 years.

[amy g.]

We were both 25, and will be married 20 years this summer.

[foxbridgeacademy]

Married at 18 to my first boyfriend, divorced at 23. I realized I wanted to be the one to decide when to go to bed, what to eat, who my friends could be.... Married again at 25, very happy for 12 years now. I hope my children wait until mid 20's before they marry.

[*Inna*]

Yep. And I got a picture. It was awesome.

:lol:

Well, where is the picture?! :tongue_smilie:

[kalanamak]

 

Marriage is hard, not matter how old you are.

 

45. I disagree. It is easier when you are calm and staid, and your spouse (or you) isn't going to have a sea-change in personality. After a life of battling the heavy seas of romance, we old folks crawl ashore and cling to land quite well. :)

[Haiku]

I was 27 when I got married. Dh was 26. I did so much between the time I was 18 and 27 that I can't imagine not having had that time. When else in life will someone be young and unencumbered and able to do just about anything? Life changes A LOT when you get married and have kids.

 

I think someone is "too young" to get married if they and their spouse can't support themselves. If they are 18 and can support themselves then they aren't too young, but I would not encourage it. Why rush into it? You don't get brownie points for marrying young, and, imo, you lose lots of opportunities that you can't get back. I went to college and traveled/lived overseas extensively during the 18-27 years. It would have been much harder to do married/with kids.

 

Tara

[NicAnn]

I was 19, Dh was 21. I don't think age matters nearly as much as your expectations. Dh and I were both very aware we were young, that we would need to grow together as a couple or risk an unhappy marriage. I think if two people can go into a marriage knowing this, they will be fine.

[lovetobehome]

I was 19, Dh was 21. I don't think age matters nearly as much as your expectations. Dh and I were both very aware we were young, that we would need to grow together as a couple or risk an unhappy marriage. I think if two people can go into a marriage knowing this, they will be fine.

I agree! I was 21, and was sooo happy to get married, knowing I was young. Still very happily married, I am now 36. My hubby was 26 at the time. :-):001_wub:

[WIS0320]

I was 21, husband was 24. We've been married 12 years.

[Alphabetika]

DH and I were 28 and 23 when we married. But we know two couples in which the woman was 18 when they married (husbands older but still young) and in both cases their marriages are wonderful.

[Sasharowan]

Dh and I have been together since I was 18 and married when I was 22. We are coming up on our 20th wedding anniversary next summer. My parents got married at 19 and are about to celebrate 43 years. Are they "deliriously happy" or do they enjoy each other as they are? I have seen that most couples that divorce, were expecting changes to occur in their spouse after marriage.

[Bluegoat]

45. I disagree. It is easier when you are calm and staid, and your spouse (or you) isn't going to have a sea-change in personality. After a life of battling the heavy seas of romance, we old folks crawl ashore and cling to land quite well. :)

 

I'm not so sure that is always true. I've known a few people who married when they were older and found it very difficult to adapt - they already had their own routines, they were used to doing things without consulting others, and so on. Even their stuff which they already had was sometimes at issue.

 

I don't expect that is a universal experience by any means, but I think it can be a real source of conflict for some.

[valkett]

Married just after I turned 19 to my dh who was 21 and had just graduated from Air Force Basic Training and his Technical School. We have been married 23 years. One of the best things for us was that his first assignment was Japan. It forced us to be close and figure a lot of thing out on our own without family support and/or interference.

 

It has worked great for us!

 

Val

[kalanamak]

I'm not so sure that is always true. I've known a few people who married when they were older and found it very difficult to adapt - they already had their own routines, they were used to doing things without consulting others, and so on. Even their stuff which they already had was sometimes at issue.

 

I don't expect that is a universal experience by any means, but I think it can be a real source of conflict for some.

 

Well, then, they don't fit my definition of calm and staid. :D

[Aquinas Academy]

DH and I got married just after we finished univeristy. I was 20, he was 22. We'd already been together for four years, lived away from home, and were mature young adults. I know many young marriages end terribly; I'm thankful to say we've been married for 16 years and are very happy.

[Ohdanigirl]

18 and 19 here. We have been married 11 years and together 14. Every couple is different. I would say that all you can do is support their decision and help prepare them the best way you know how. They should really sit down with a third party and discuss what they expect from their lives together. Maybe, speaking with some other military couples, young and old.

 

Pre-marital counseling was a great thing for us. We were given a test (seperately), that asked questions like: Who will wash the dishes? How many kids will you have? What will be the devision of household chores. Will you both work? Will one be a stay at home parent? Who? How does your family feel about your intended? Who will handle the finances? (this was a biggie for many couples) Etc.

 

All these little things, and then our father spoke with us about the results and any major differences in our answers. It really helped us. As a young couple we never had fights over those little things that most of our friends broke up over. I didn't realize at the time how helpful it was. Many other couples we knew joked about how silly it was that we were wasting our time on it., but later we learned it had really made an impact.

 

Danielle

[BamaTanya]

Dh was 28. I was 26.

 

I'm the reason we waited three years to get married after we started dating. When we met I was finishing my master's degree. Dh had worked at some dead-end jobs and was just starting his bachelor's.

 

I knew I loved him. I wanted to see if he would work to take care of me and any future dc. I wanted to buy a home and be ready to welcome those dc.

 

It's funny, looking back on it now. We married just after he finished the BS and *I* got laid off from the job I'd held 2.5 years! (He was still looking for a job!)

 

We were able to get back to work (though not exactly continuously) for the first couple of years of marriage.

 

And then when dd was on the way, he got laid off. Ugh.

 

Just goes to show things don't always go according to your best laid plans. :tongue_smilie:

 

If we'd had a way to support ourselves and finish college, I could see our marrying earlier. It just seemed wise to wait at the time.

 

Still, I have no regrets about it. All's well that ends well. :D

[Heidi]

My daughter and her Air Force BF want to get married. She will be 18 in 6 months. They talked about marrying 4 months after her 18th birthday. I'm getting unsolicited comments on how they don't know what they're doing; they'll be divorced in three months, etc. I'm not sure that waiting a specific amount of time will guarantee a marriage, either.

 

They're also 'waiting for marriage', if you know what I mean.

 

Curious if you & hubby or friends married young and successfully so.

 

I'd also like to know what to say to these naysayers.

 

I was 21. Marriage has been successful. I didn't know what I was getting into either. I don't see how their age matters.

[sassenach]

Married at 17 (me) and 19 (him). We just celebrated our 14th anniversary. I think young marriages can go both ways, but I am amazed at how many high school sweethearts that I know. Dh and I were at a retreat for our church network and we went out with about 10 couples who are all lead pastor couples. We went around the table and shared how we met and I was amazed to learn that all of us were high school sweethearts, save 1 couple. It was really neat to hear all of the stories.

[Pink Fairy]

19 and 21, and celebrating 23 years of wedded bliss this month. :001_wub: Looking at it from the outside, it was absolutely the wrong thing to do, but I don't think my parents or his could have changed our minds. I'll try to remember that if any of my dc want to marry young.

[higginszoo]

I'm very happy that we had degrees before we got married, but my friends who were 16 are now an MD and an RN. And they have 10 dc, ages 1 to 23 (front-loaded, I think that they have 4 that are grown now, at least a couple in high school). So it CAN be done.

 

That being said, they have a son who married young also (17, I think?) and one of the things that they had him do was finish high school first. Their daughter-in-law is a little bit older (I think she was 18), and she took that advice, too, and was almost done or just done with trade school when they got married.

 

But my friend still gets lots of comments about 'having' to get married. She and her dh cut it close (they didn't know their oldest was on the way yet, but she was). Her ds and his wife have been married a couple of years, and I keep asking her about grandbabies. None from that front, she says, and the dc who are older than that ds aren't in a hurry to get married and are happy to play with their littlest siblings.

[ChandlerMom]

I'd encourage them (if at all open to the idea) to wait a year or two, or at least take a few years to enjoy being a couple before starting to have kids. I would encourage pre-marital counseling (as I would to anyone), esp if their relationship has had any "drama". Peaceful trumps passion in longevity.

 

In any case, here's a few stats from http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/351 :

<<

The average age of a woman getting married in the United States is 27. " Bride's Magazine

 

The average age of a man getting married in the United States is 29. " Bride's Magazine

 

59 percent of marriages for women under the age of 18 end in divorce within 15 years. The divorce rate drops to 36 percent for those married at age 20 or older. " "Cohabitation, Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage in the United States," M.D. Bramlett and W.D. Mosher

>>

 

IMO if you get married that young you're just lucky if it works out. The brains of the individuals aren't done maturing, so if you grow in the same direction, that's lucky. Since the brain doesn't finish until around 21yo, I think that's why divorce rates plummet after that age.

 

I met my EX when I was still 17yo and we got married when I was 21. BIG MISTAKE. Divorced after 3yrs, should have left after 3 weeks. Met my dh when I was 28 and it was great then, and now 12 years later everything keeps getting better. I tell my kids to not consider marriage before 25.

[MamaSheep]

I was 27 when I got married. Dh was 26. I did so much between the time I was 18 and 27 that I can't imagine not having had that time. When else in life will someone be young and unencumbered and able to do just about anything? Life changes A LOT when you get married and have kids.

 

I think someone is "too young" to get married if they and their spouse can't support themselves. If they are 18 and can support themselves then they aren't too young, but I would not encourage it. Why rush into it? You don't get brownie points for marrying young, and, imo, you lose lots of opportunities that you can't get back. I went to college and traveled/lived overseas extensively during the 18-27 years. It would have been much harder to do married/with kids.

 

Tara

 

But there are opportunities you miss if you're still raising your kids in your "golden years" too. If you have your kids in your 20's then they're up and out and on their own when you're hitting your 40's and 50's and you can do your traveling then, when you have enough money to do it in style. So there are opportunities either way.

 

45. I disagree. It is easier when you are calm and staid, and your spouse (or you) isn't going to have a sea-change in personality. After a life of battling the heavy seas of romance, we old folks crawl ashore and cling to land quite well. :)

 

Some of us had more than enough dating drama by our mid 20's to cling pretty tightly too...lol.

[Hannah C.]

I was a few months shy of 21 and dh was a few days shy of 19 when we got married, after being together for almost 3 years. We've been married almost 2 years. We're still in the adjustment period, for sure, and we've both changed a lot - but getting married is still the best thing I've ever done so far.

 

I don't really understand it when people say that being married keeps you from, say, traveling the world. Unless you were planning on going all by yourself, having your spouse along shouldn't be too different from going with a group of friends - or you go with your spouse AND your friends. After dh and I started dating, I didn't want to travel the world without him - but I would have liked to travel it with him, someday. Hopefully I will. :) Kids do, however, throw a wrench in world traveling plans...

[Haiku]

But there are opportunities you miss if you're still raising your kids in your "golden years" too. If you have your kids in your 20's then they're up and out and on their own when you're hitting your 40's and 50's

 

Well, yes. I was 28 when my first child came, 30 when my second came, and a few weeks from being 32 when my 3rd came. (Due to adoption, the 3rd kid is the oldest, first is the middle child.) I will be 47 when my youngest child goes to college. One needn't get married as a teenager to still be young when your children are grown.

 

Tara

[seraphina]

I was married at 19, my dh was 20. We have been married for almost 18 years. It has been rocky at times but we love each other and have been committed to making it work. I don't think there is a perfect age, I think it depends on the maturity and level of commitment in the individuals.

[justamouse]

It really, really depends on the person more than the age. I know people in their 30s and 40s who are not mature enough for marriage. ;)

 

 

Exactly. I can list off a ton of 'mature' bad habits/actions/decisions that would be hard for a marriage to work through. People think maturity has t do with age, and to an extent it does, but I don't think I've matured much more than when I was 19. I had a kid, I made the same decisions I'm making now, I was working, going to school, and the mistakes I made then, are mistakes I see older 40+ moms making, so it wasn't a maturity thing, it was a first time mom thing and lack of collective mother memory stuff.

 

What I have gotten good at is sticking up for myself, but I'm teaching my daughter to do that now. Hopefully the lessons will stick. :001_smile:

Edited December 6, 2011 by justamouse

[Stratford]

DH and I were 22 and 20, respectively, when we were married. That was nearly 12 years ago. We were in college at that point, we both were working and we finished (and paid for ) our degrees. Neither of us feel that marrying young has deprived us of any life experience (except maybe dating more, but I can't say I enjoyed dating much.) Yes, it can work, and it has worked very well for us. I do know that having families that were supportive of our decision was helpful to us. I think our personalities/habits worked in our favor as well.

[mrsrevmeg]

We got married when I was 19 and my husband 18. Our wedding day was two days after he graduated high school. People told us that we were too young, we didn't know what we were getting into... as well as "well she must be pregnant" comments (which I wasn't, but it wasn't any one else's business if I had been). We celebrated 15 years this past June. It hasn't always been easy, but it has always been worth it. I remember someone telling us that we should wait because we'll wake up one day at 40 and realize we've been married half our lives. It made smile to think of that. It makes me smile even more now that is close. As a matter of fact, if you count the time since we have dated, we have been together half our lives. Being with one person all this time has kept me from the heartbreak that can come from serial dating as well as loneliness between boyfriends.

[DianeW88]

I was 23 and my dh was 28. I felt like I got married at the perfect age. I had graduated from college, travelled, worked in my career, and had my own apartment. I had my first son at 25.

[HappyCrazyMama]

I had just turned 20, dh 26. We'll be celebrating 20 years in March. I'd do it again in a heartbeat, no regrets, not one.:)

Edited December 6, 2011 by Happyhomemama

[Forget-Me-Not]

We got married less than 3 weeks after my 21st birthday. DH was 26. We've been married almost 14 yrs.

[Heidi @ Mt Hope]

I was 21, hubby 25. We had known each other for 9 months, and now we've been married almost 16 years.

 

My older sister was 20. She's been married for 19 years.

 

My younger sister was also 20. She had been dating her now husband for 5 years before they got married! They've now been together for 19 years.

 

(My mom was married at 18, but my dad was much older. They've now been married 42 years. :) )

 

We have some serious marriage stability in our family (even extended family).

[ChandlerMom]

But there are opportunities you miss if you're still raising your kids in your "golden years" too. If you have your kids in your 20's then they're up and out and on their own when you're hitting your 40's and 50's and you can do your traveling then, when you have enough money to do it in style. So there are opportunities either way.

 

It's not the same. By the time I had kids (first at 32) I'd spent a decade in college, travelled the world (met dh on one of the more exotic trips), had my sports car, did my 60hr workweek-commute thing, and earned enough money that NOW we own our home outright, which means we can raise our kids with dh just working half-time. Raising three kids with BOTH parents home most of the time and no stress over money. That's good for our relationship and health, too!

 

We aren't rich, but we also don't worry about "what we'll do when we retire" because we've already done it. It's nicer imo to reminisce about a great trip you took together than plan for one you may not ever take or be able to afford. It's the kids and sleep deprivation that age you, not the years. ;)

 

To each their own, and happy when it works out for young couples, too.

[kalanamak]

 

I'd also like to know what to say to these naysayers.

 

Pass the bean dip.

[mytwomonkeys]

i was 28 when i got married. i was far too immature to marry at 18. but honestly, that was just me i think, lol. there are definitely 18 year olds that can handle marriage. one of my closest friend got married at age 19 to her high school sweetheart. like your daughter, they were waiting for marriage, etc. 15 years later and 3 beautiful kids - all is well in their world :)

[mlbuchina]

I was 19 (one month shy of 20), and my dh was 20. 15 years later, and I'm still twitterpated. :D

 

We were engaged for almost two years. I wanted to get married right after I graduated highschool, but the Navy had other plans. :tongue_smilie:

[MamaSheep]

Well, yes. I was 28 when my first child came, 30 when my second came, and a few weeks from being 32 when my 3rd came. (Due to adoption, the 3rd kid is the oldest, first is the middle child.) I will be 47 when my youngest child goes to college. One needn't get married as a teenager to still be young when your children are grown.

 

Tara

 

Oh sure. :) The only point I was making is that your twenties isn't the only time in life you can have fun. I'm certainly not saying people must get married as teens to have a life later, just that getting married young doesn't mean there will never be any time for other opportunities in life.

[MamaSheep]

It's not the same. By the time I had kids (first at 32) I'd spent a decade in college, travelled the world (met dh on one of the more exotic trips), had my sports car, did my 60hr workweek-commute thing, and earned enough money that NOW we own our home outright, which means we can raise our kids with dh just working half-time. Raising three kids with BOTH parents home most of the time and no stress over money. That's good for our relationship and health, too!

 

We aren't rich, but we also don't worry about "what we'll do when we retire" because we've already done it. It's nicer imo to reminisce about a great trip you took together than plan for one you may not ever take or be able to afford. It's the kids and sleep deprivation that age you, not the years. ;)

 

To each their own, and happy when it works out for young couples, too.

 

No, it's not the same. But that doesn't mean it's "worse", just "different". There are opportunities either way. They're not the SAME opportunities, but they can be an adventure either way. I agree with you, to each their own. I just don't like it when one set of opportunities gets ignored or belittled just because people have differing priorities and may not value the same experiences and opportunities in the same way. Acknowledging that someone else's way of doing things is equally valuable doesn't take away from your experience. :)

 

Dh and I were both done with college and employed when we got married, but my parents both finished their degrees after they were married. They still talk fondly about the make-shift furniture they had the first few years and the summer they lived in a tent (Dad was doing field research and Mom was his field assistant.) They aren't rich either, but are retired and comfortable and planning an extended trip...though we've not been told yet where they will be going...

Edited December 6, 2011 by MamaSheep

[Kile529]

I was 18 (4 months before I turned 19) when I married my 22 year old husband. We dated for 3 months before we were engaged and married 7 months later. We did sort of grow up together - my husband was good friends with my sister through church camp/district since they were 12. So, we really knew the family which made it a lot easier. We're in our 13th year and still very happy with 3 sons...our first born 4 months after I turned 21.

 

My parents married 6 days after my mom turned 18....because her mother was unbearable toward my dad...they are still married at 54 years old...36 years.

 

I remember my mom telling people that "no, she's not pregnant"...lol Also, that it was none of their business. She also reminded them that she was married at 18...that helped too. Although, my mom isn't one that has to respond to people....lol She's kinda frustrating that way! :) Anyways, with the country's divorce rates even with believers, there's still a chance of divorce regardless of age. Personally, in our family, we believe that divorce is not an option.

 

I hope my kids will marry young. For one, hopefully they stay pure and won't deal with the hurt and pain from not waiting. Secondly, my husband and I have literally grown up together...and we're still having a ton of fun! There's something about being able to mess around and do stupid stuff with your spouse when you're younger that makes the later years that much more fun! ....we've done so much stupid stuff....haha!

 

Anyways, I hope it all works out for the best! :)

[aggieamy]

I was 28 and DH was 35. I'm so glad I didn't marry who I was dating when I was 18. He was a nice guy but I grew and matured into such a different person over the years and we would not have been good fits in the long run. I was a pretty mature teenager but I wasn't mature enough to make a decision that involved forever.

[iamrachelle]

Pass the bean dip.

 

:iagree:

 

For what it's worth, I was 19... we just celebrated our 18th anniversary!!