Need Objective advice (long drama)

[In2why]

My son is in the military and came home last night. He was able to come home early, almost a month earlier than expected and discussed surprising his live in GF. She is back in college getting her masters and has 3 exams coming up on Monday. He wasn't sure about surprising her because of this, and went back and forth. Well since he wasn't sure, and we had discussed different scenario's I decided that we should tell her, but not him that she would be there waiting for him, and therefore surprise him.

 

He isn't the kind of guy that would have a problem with us turning it around and loves that type of stuff. We had huge banners, flags, and all the family members within a 100 mile radius, music, food and coffee to wait for the unit to come in. We were all really excited. Well at the last minute (or perhaps this was her plan all along?) she decided to go to the terminal with her friend who could get into the base instead of waiting with the family. Basically by doing that it changed the surprise and instead of everyone being part of it, it was just her and her friend and her sister and instead of the family all welcoming him.

 

When I found out that this was her plan, I told her that it bothered me and that if she decided to do that I was going to be upset because she wouldn't even know he was coming home if I hadn't told her, and that it cut all of us out on the celebration and events that I had set up. She got quiet on the phone and didn't respond. After a minute or two I told her to think about it and call me back. Two hours later when she hadn't called me back and didn't pick up her cell phone, which is attached to her body at all times, I called back and said that if she came with us, then she would be resentful, and if she went to the terminal I would be resentful so it would be better for the family to do something to celebrate at another time and that it didn't make any sense for us to stand in the cold to wait for her and son to come if there wasn't going to be a surprise and we weren't going to be together.

 

At that point I wasn't really mad, just irritated and disappointed, but didn't want a lot of drama and the extended family that we driving separate were giving me crap about her not being with the family so I thought that was the best solution.

 

Instead of calling me, she spoke with my SIL, I am not sure who called who, and the next thing I know is I am the bad guy and I am upsetting her, and I should come and not be upset. The SIL was already in the town we all had to drive to and I thought it was wonderful that they still go, but we all had to drive a couple of hours and had kids that would be up most of the night and it didn't make sense to me to do all of that if she was going to the terminal. So I called the GF to speak to her directly and 3 times she didn't answer the phone. The final time I told her that I would call her back, and then changed my message to nope you call me back when you are ready to talk to me. I did not hear back From her at all and after speaking to my Mom we decided to go anyway since we had made these plans, but by this point I was angry and a situation that was at about a 3 on the drama scale now felt like a 7 or 8 to me because the longer time went on the more pi$$ed I got.

 

We had a decent time, and even though it was cold and late we cheered each Sailor as the showed up to meet their family while we waited for them to come. To make matters more irritating to me she texts my SIL with updates about the plane landing, him getting to customs, okay we are on our way, ect and didn't communicate with me at all. When they did show up we all hugged and celebrated but it felt like an afterthought. He did joke with me that he couldn't' believe I told the GF and was laughing, and I made a sarcastic comment that I wished I hadn't. Other than that I didn't say anything about the situation because it wasn't the time or place.

 

So here is my dilemma, I am pretty upfront, I am not passive aggressive and I am pi$$ed at the entire situation and her behavior afterward more so than the initial decision to meet him on her own. I don't know if I can be civil to her at this point. I don't want to drag my son into it because we are a very close family and if my feelings are hurt he will be angry at her, but I don't know if I want to go there.

 

Overall I think she loves my son, and is good for him, but at the same time she has done some other sneaky behavior with his brother, and his prior roommate that raised red flags, but I stayed out of it, because I want to have a good relationship with the partners my children choose.

 

So I guess I am asking if I am blowing this out of proportion, should I just let it go, should I insist that she and I discuss this like adults, would you be upset, what should I have done differently, and what should I learn from this experience. These are the questions I am asking myself. The biggest one though is that I know my son is coming over tomorrow to hang out with us while she is in class, and it is the elephant in the room. I am sure she has given him her version or events whatever they may be, and my son and I are really close so I don't worry about our relationship, but there are two ways to go here, it can escalate or dampen down and I am really not sure how I am feeling or how I should handle this.

 

I never wanted to be the MIL from heck, and have always tried to respect them and their relationships, but I am also not the type of person to simmer in silence and feel that could be even more damaging.

If you read the saga (I didn't' want to be accused of adding stuff later in the story that wasn't in the OP lol) I appreciate it and really want objective advice not just JAWM, unless of course you actually do agree hehe.

Edited November 27, 2011 by In2why
Cause I write in one big breath just trying to get it all out

[ThatCyndiGirl]

First of all, paragraphs would help in reading your OP, even if they are in places that don't make sense gramatically.

 

Second.....:grouphug: my oldest is only 15 so I can't quite imagine the situation in more personal terms, but if it were me I would give myself an hour or two to completely steep in my anger/hurt/disappointment then get over it. If that sounds harsh it is not meant to, but his life and their life together are not about you and the original family anymore and if you allow yourself to first marinate in your feelings then move past the it would do a lot for your future relationship with them.

 

Just my two pennies. :)

 

And again...:grouphug: I would be hurt and disappointed, too.

[Cheryl in NM]

I'm sorry this happened and you are so upset. :grouphug:

 

Young people are selfish. She just wanted to be the first to greet him and if they are close enough to be talking about marriage she's probably in the "leave your mother and cleave to your wife" camp.

 

OTOH, it was rude of her to make other plans knowing that your whole family was making a big deal and coming from all around.

 

That said, I think you tried to contact her too often. I know you just wanted to work it out. Put yourself in her shoes and imagine received that many phone calls and messages trying to change her mind. It was childish for her to contact your SIL instead of you, but she's not very far from childhood is she? That fact that she didn't answer your calls/messages tells me that she probably knew she undermining your celebration but she didn't want to hear it.

 

You are right to not put your son in the middle. He's off serving his country; he doesn't need to worry about his mom and girlfriend getting along. This will pass. If he asks, I would tell him just want you posted here. Let him know you felt she spoiled your surprise/celebration and you are upset that she didn't answer her phone or return your messages. Also let him know you value his feelings for her and won't let this get in the way of things. Basically, let him know that you are willing to treat her like family. She hurt your feelings and pissed you off, but you'll get over it.

 

You mentioned sneaky things with other men. Do you think she's been unfaithful? Wow, I don't know how to handle that. I'm sorry. :grouphug:

 

Just don't let this overshadow your time with your boy. Enjoy him.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

Just don't let this overshadow your time with your boy. Enjoy him.

 

 

The best advice you will likely EVER get! :grouphug:

[In2why]

First of all, paragraphs would help in reading your OP, even if they are in places that don't make sense gramatically.

 

Second.....:grouphug: my oldest is only 15 so I can't quite imagine the situation in more personal terms, but if it were me I would give myself an hour or two to completely steep in my anger/hurt/disappointment then get over it. If that sounds harsh it is not meant to, but his life and their life together are not about you and the original family anymore and if you allow yourself to first marinate in your feelings then move past the it would do a lot for your future relationship with them.

 

Just my two pennies. :)

 

And again...:grouphug: I would be hurt and disappointed, too.

 

 

Sorry about the long block of text, I was writing all in one breath and didn't even pay attention. No excuse, though it does make it hard to read.

 

So how should I respond when it comes up, or should I just pretend it didn't happen? The only way I can think of moving past it, is for me to apologize and I seriously am not sorry for being upset and dont' know if I could choke those words out.

[Parker Martin]

She's thoughtless. But she's also young. Sometimes thoughtfulness doesn't show up until later. I'd chalk it up to youthful inexperience and self-centeredness and blow it off.

 

Well, okay, I'm assuming she's young. Early to mid twenties? Young. Older than that, wow, how rude.

 

As for the part about her with other men, I didn't quite understand what you were getting at. Do you think she cheats?

 

But as has already been suggested, don't let it infringe on your time with your son. How exciting for him to be home!

[Trish]

Well, just remember what she does with "classified information" the next time you're tempted to share any with her.

[Parker Martin]

Sorry about the long block of text, I was writing all in one breath and didn't even pay attention. No excuse, though it does make it hard to read.

 

So how should I respond when it comes up, or should I just pretend it didn't happen? The only way I can think of moving past it, is for me to apologize and I seriously am not sorry for being upset and dont' know if I could choke those words out.

 

No, you should not apologize. What would you be apologizing for? If it comes up, you could just say, "Well, we all planned to surprise him/you together, so it was disappointing when you/she decided to preempt the rest of us, but it doesn't matter now. The important thing is that he's/you're back! Let's celebrate!"

[In2why]

You mentioned sneaky things with other men. Do you think she's been unfaithful? Wow, I don't know how to handle that. I'm sorry. :grouphug:

 

Just don't let this overshadow your time with your boy. Enjoy him.

 

 

No, not sneaky like that! I started to type out what she did, but that would be piling on, and since that is an issue in the past wouldn't be fair to bring into this.

 

I am going to reread your advice a couple of times before tomorrow so that I can be as gracious as possible. Hopefully it won't have become a bigger deal before then.

[jplain]

:grouphug: I'm sorry you're feeling hurt.

 

I think in your shoes I'd try to look at it another way.

 

Maybe the GF was hoping for an initial reunion that didn't involve a huge crowd of people: a couple of minutes to hug and cry without his extended family crowded around them. I don't think I could begrudge them that. It's tough to have your partner gone, whether or not you're married.

 

She didn't realize you'd feel this was stealing your thunder. After all, she wasn't stealing him away for the rest of the day. She was planning to bring him straight to where you and the rest of the family were waiting, so the family celebration could begin.

[Cheryl in NM]

No, you should not apologize. What would you be apologizing for? If it comes up, you could just say, "Well, we all planned to surprise him/you together, so it was disappointing when you/she decided to preempt the rest of us, but it doesn't matter now. The important thing is that he's/you're back! Let's celebrate!"

 

:iagree: Great way to handle this! Very succinct.

[Trish]

Technically you took away HIS surprise (of her), which also would have been a private moment -- I don't really see a problem with either one of them wanting that. And, how does that take away from YOUR surprise of a party for him?

 

I guess I'm not seeing the actual problem, here.

[Sophia]

So, in a nutshell, your ds told you he was coming home-not his gf, but when she found out she took over his coming home plans, right?

Sounds to me like she didn't like being the last to know and was reasserting herself with him.

It's really up to your son to decide how to react. If he's ok with it, I'd let it go even if I was still ticked.

Don't think of it as simmering or ignoring the white elephant, but as simply letting go.

Fwiw, I'd be upset too. :glare:

[cindergretta]

That situation would chap my hide. Sorry, but it was a snotty thing to do. That said, it is done and can't be changed. I would guard future plans that mattered to me. I would also keep my eyes and ears open if she isn't a person to be trusted.

 

How old is your ds? The gf? Was she unfaithful?

 

I have thoughts, but they would pertain to the above questions.

 

I'm sorry your ds's homecoming was marred in this way. Thank God he is safely home! :grouphug:

[Mrs Mungo]

If there is any chance they are getting married?

 

LET. IT. GO.

 

Especially if he is planning on staying in the military.

 

I've been to dozens of homecomings. Homecomings are extremely stressful. It is *hard* to reintegrate as a couple or family. He won't have to "reintegrate" with you because he doesn't live with you. It's a completely different animal.

 

Yes, she is thoughtless and young. She acted impulsively.

 

But, if she is hanging out with other military wives and girlfriends? I can tell you that wives and girlfriends meeting the plane without parents or extended family is common in the military community. The couple usually takes a week or two to get to know each other again, then the visit/invite extended family.

 

I'm sorry you feel like she stole your thunder or usurped the celebration. :grouphug:

[In2why]

She is 27. I don't consider her young in years or maturity. She really can be delightful, but manipulative at times as well. I am soaking in all of your advice.

 

If I thought she was unfaithful, she would be finished. I try hard to respect my boundaries, but I also know that I hold sway with my kids, especially my boys. If hated someone they were dating, I know they would take that into consideration and weigh my feelings heavily because of the relationships we have built. Also because I don't normally get involved, if I did, I think it would be quite powerful. In fact, my adult daughter was flabbergasted that she was being so selfish, because she is amazed at how badly my son would take it is she was to purposely hurt me. But I don't want to go there, because I do think she loves him and treats him well.

[Haiku]

it didn't make any sense for us to stand in the cold to wait for her and son to come if there wasn't going to be a surprise and we weren't going to be together.

 

This sounds like you're making it about you and what you want and not about welcoming your son home. Would your son want you to be there? That's really all that matters. Would you really have wanted to tell your son, "Sorry, son, that I didn't come see you but I was pissed that your girlfriend ruined my surprise"? Wouldn't that have sounded petty?

 

 

we cheered each Sailor as the showed up to meet their family while we waited for them to come.

 

This is way more important than your bruised feelings.

 

So I guess I am asking if I am blowing this out of proportion, should I just let it go

 

Yes, and yes. Remember, you seem to be so angry about the girlfriend doing what you essentially did: make your own decision about how your son's homecoming would be handled.

 

Tara

[Mrs Mungo]

:grouphug: I'm sorry you're feeling hurt.

 

I think in your shoes I'd try to look at it another way.

 

Maybe the GF was hoping for an initial reunion that didn't involve a huge crowd of people: a couple of minutes to hug and cry without his extended family crowded around them. I don't think I could begrudge them that. It's tough to have your partner gone, whether or not you're married.

 

She didn't realize you'd feel this was stealing your thunder. After all, she wasn't stealing him away for the rest of the day. She was planning to bring him straight to where you and the rest of the family were waiting, so the family celebration could begin.

 

:iagree:Again, if she hangs out with other military wives or girlfriends, she would see this as the norm. In fact, immediately sharing him with the extended family would be seen as extremely generous. Not trying to hurt anyone further, I'm just letting you know what she might be hearing from her friends.:grouphug:

[OLG]

The one thing I had to learn was to allow adult children to make their own decisions - you can't do it for them. That said, it was your son's place to tell is GF or NOT. Seems like both you and the GF are suffering the after effects of this good intentioned surprise that has now caused strife. Talk it out with the GF if you think that would help. Otherwise, let it go. Lesson learned.:grouphug:

[In2why]

Technically you took away HIS surprise (of her), which also would have been a private moment -- I don't really see a problem with either one of them wanting that. And, how does that take away from YOUR surprise of a party for him?

 

I guess I'm not seeing the actual problem, here.

 

 

Yep technically I did. It wouldn't have been private because he had discussed us all going to his house. That would have meant no notice to her in the middle of the night, no chance to pick up before 25 people showed up. No time to shave her legs :D, no time to study on Sunday for her exams on Monday.

Communication is at a bare minimum with these guys and he told me to decide how to handle it, and I thought it would be fun to surprise him with everyone there and give her a break on having all of that dumped in her lap basically 24 hours before exams with no notice. This way she could budget her time, prepare for him to come home, and everyone could be excited. I was actually trying to be considerate of her.

[ereks mom]

Well at the last minute (or perhaps this was her plan all along?) she decided to go to the terminal with her friend who could get into the base instead of waiting with the family. Basically by doing that it changed the surprise and instead of everyone being part of it, it was just her and her friend and her sister...

 

When I found out that this was her plan, I told her that it bothered me and that if she decided to do that I was going to be upset because she wouldn't even know he was coming home if I hadn't told her, and that it cut all of us out on the celebration and events that I had set up. She... didn't respond.

 

...Instead of calling me, she spoke with my SIL.

 

I find this incredibly tacky of the GF, especially considering that YOU were gracious enough to include HER in the first place, and otherwise she wouldn't have even known! And I think it is even more so, since you explicitly told her that this upset you and she did it anyway! And why did she have her sister go with her??? I understand about the friend, since that was her way of getting there, but why couldn't she have at least included you, and left her sister to wait with the rest of your family?

 

...Overall I think she loves my son, and is good for him, but at the same time she has done some other sneaky behavior with his brother, and his prior roommate that raised red flags...

 

This part is really, really disturbing to me.

[Margo out of lurking]

Yes, I think you are blowing it out of proportion. Your are of course very happy to have your ds return. Your ds, however, wanted to surprise his gf, he wanted the focus of his return to be on her, and that was the reason that he told you.

 

You changed his plan (with his permission/agreement).

 

She changed your plan to put the focus back on the two of them.

 

Like you, she's obviously an important person in his life.

 

You called her repeatedly, not giving her a chance to respond, even changing your message to her. Of course she'd be reluctant, at that point, to discuss anything further. It seems very gracious of her, then, to be updating anyone in the family at all (your sil).

 

Her position in his life, and her feelings, are as valid as yours. I'd apologize to her for intruding on their reunion and hope that she can understand that you were also as excited as she was to see your ds.

 

If you were the mom of the girl posting here, I think we'd be encouraging that her dd handled herself the best she could under the circumstances.

 

Enjoy your ds. Enjoy his gf. It must be very hard to wait for a bf who is away in the military. What a joy for ALL of you to have him home right now!

 

:grouphug:

[In2why]

This sounds like you're making it about you and what you want and not about welcoming your son home. Would your son want you to be there? That's really all that matters. Would you really have wanted to tell your son, "Sorry, son, that I didn't come see you but I was pissed that your girlfriend ruined my surprise"? Wouldn't that have sounded petty?

 

Yes you are right. I do feel like part of me is petty. And Petulant, and Witchy. I am venting and getting feed back here, because normally I would talk to my Mother and daughter but I don't want to drag them into it, and really want objective. I did decide to go because it was most important seeing him, and realized not going would be downright stupidity.

 

 

This is way more important than your bruised feelings.

 

 

 

Yes, and yes. Remember, you seem to be so angry about the girlfriend doing what you essentially did: make your own decision about how your son's homecoming would be handled.

 

True, but since I was the one given the option by my son, and we all could have been happy, I am angry. Again she wouldn't have even been there if I hadn't invited her. The really witchy side of me wishes I had kept my mouth shut, she would have missed his homecoming at the meeting place, and then had 25 people in their house, and no time to study. But In her place I think she would have had every right to be furious with my thoughtless son if that had actually happened.

 

Tara

 

I am still stewing, I believe. Deep breath. :glare:

[misidawnrn]

She's thoughtless. But she's also young. Sometimes thoughtfulness doesn't show up until later. I'd chalk it up to youthful inexperience and self-centeredness and blow it off.

 

Well, okay, I'm assuming she's young. Early to mid twenties? Young. Older than that, wow, how rude.

 

As for the part about her with other men, I didn't quite understand what you were getting at. Do you think she cheats?

 

But as has already been suggested, don't let it infringe on your time with your son. How exciting for him to be home!

:iagree:

And, as I have heard on here before..."Is this the hill you want to die on?" Sometimes it is best to turn the other cheek, not hold a grudge and move on. Enjoy the time with him!

[Bluegoat]

A live in girlfriend can't, IMO, really be distinguished from a wife. And a wife gets to meet a soldier or sailor coming home first, not his parents.

 

It was nice that he wanted to suprise her, but not practical, and it would have been best probably to just point that out. And she should have pointed out that she would really like to meet him herself. I would not be happy if my dh came home from a tour and his mom and dad were there when I met him. Not because I dislike them or don't realize how happy they would be to see him.

 

But those are really not things to fret about - they were honestly overlooked from what I can see. It may be that his gf wasn't really articulating her feelings well, even to herself, or she just didn't think she needed to discuss it, or she didn't think anyone else would be bothered by it.

[KJB]

:iagree:Again, if she hangs out with other military wives or girlfriends, she would see this as the norm. In fact, immediately sharing him with the extended family would be seen as extremely generous. Not trying to hurt anyone further, I'm just letting you know what she might be hearing from her friends.:grouphug:

 

While I totally agree with Mrs. Mungo, I also wonder why, if she is hanging out with military spouses/girl friends, she wouldn't have known he was coming home. Usually, that news gets around pretty quickly....

 

I think it's possible she already knew, or would have known anyway, that he was coming home. Without your involvement, she probably would have gone to meet him anyway. Possibly it's what she planned to do all along. You may have been encroaching upon her already made plans without realizing it.

[In2why]

:iagree:Again, if she hangs out with other military wives or girlfriends, she would see this as the norm. In fact, immediately sharing him with the extended family would be seen as extremely generous. Not trying to hurt anyone further, I'm just letting you know what she might be hearing from her friends.:grouphug:

 

 

Her friend is a military GF, other than that I don't know that she knows any others. First deployment for both of them. Growing up military I get where you are coming from and integration can be hard. I would feel totally different if she were a wife, and even being the GF if they had decided on a private homecoming and came over a few days later. I do realize that I am going to need to take a back seat on most matters, and actually if I wasn't pi$$ed right now would admit that part of me hopes that they do wind up getting married. There are a few red flags, but no one is perfect, and overall I think she is good for him and to him. At times when my son is upset with her, I have tried to get him to see her point of view. This is his most serious relationship to date and they are both feeling their way along.

[Mrs Mungo]

While I totally agree with Mrs. Mungo, I also wonder why, if she is hanging out with military spouses/girl friends, she wouldn't have known he was coming home. Usually, that news gets around pretty quickly....

 

I think it's possible she already knew, or would have known anyway, that he was coming home. Without your involvement, she probably would have gone to meet him anyway. Possibly it's what she planned to do all along. You may have been encroaching upon her already made plans without realizing it.

 

This is my suspicion.

[Mrs Mungo]

Her friend is a military GF, other than that I don't know that she knows any others. First deployment for both of them. Growing up military I get where you are coming from and integration can be hard. I would feel totally different if she were a wife, and even being the GF if they had decided on a private homecoming and came over a few days later. I do realize that I am going to need to take a back seat on most matters, and actually if I wasn't pi$$ed right now would admit that part of me hopes that they do wind up getting married. There are a few red flags, but no one is perfect, and overall I think she is good for him and to him. At times when my son is upset with her, I have tried to get him to see her point of view. This is his most serious relationship to date and they are both feeling their way along.

 

Sorry, but a live-in girl-friend with a strong possibility of getting married is not much different than a wife, IMO. I can tell you that what soldiers tell their parents and what they tell their significant others is often quite different. You don't know what they have discussed. Please, just let it go. Anything else would be stirring up drama during what should be a happy time before the hard work begins. :grouphug:

[KJB]

Her friend is a military GF, other than that I don't know that she knows any others. First deployment for both of them. Growing up military I get where you are coming from and integration can be hard. I would feel totally different if she were a wife, and even being the GF if they had decided on a private homecoming and came over a few days later. I do realize that I am going to need to take a back seat on most matters, and actually if I wasn't pi$$ed right now would admit that part of me hopes that they do wind up getting married. There are a few red flags, but no one is perfect, and overall I think she is good for him and to him. At times when my son is upset with her, I have tried to get him to see her point of view. This is his most serious relationship to date and they are both feeling their way along.

 

Unless her friend is active duty or a military dependent (spouse or child, usually) she wouldn't have access to a military facility. I suspect her friend is a spouse and that her friend told her and invited her along.

 

If you had a chance to meet your son as he exited the plane or ship, would you have taken it or would you have stayed back with the rest of the family?

 

She was in a difficult situation, and understandably, her loyalty is to your son and not you. She should have told you that the chance to meet him was to hard to pass up, but I imagine she was scared of the confrontation.

[Rebecca VA]

She was out of line. Chalk it up to immaturity -- she may not realize how selfish she has been until many years from now, when some little upstart steals her thunder. I'm sorry that your homecoming celebration was spoiled.

[amey311]

Yep technically I did. It wouldn't have been private because he had discussed us all going to his house. That would have meant no notice to her in the middle of the night, no chance to pick up before 25 people showed up. No time to shave her legs :D, no time to study on Sunday for her exams on Monday.

Communication is at a bare minimum with these guys and he told me to decide how to handle it, and I thought it would be fun to surprise him with everyone there and give her a break on having all of that dumped in her lap basically 24 hours before exams with no notice. This way she could budget her time, prepare for him to come home, and everyone could be excited. I was actually trying to be considerate of her.

 

Did you ever calmly explain this to her? There's a chance that if this had been mutually discussed (and at 27, she's not a kid and should be treated like an adult) the two of you could've jointly made some sort of plan. Instead, you decided what was best for her without her input. If she doesn't know your motivation, how does she know that you aren't just trying to make this a family thing that sort of excludes her?

[Amy in NH]

That situation would chap my hide. Sorry, but it was a snotty thing to do. That said, it is done and can't be changed. I would guard future plans that mattered to me. I would also keep my eyes and ears open if she isn't a person to be trusted.

 

How old is your ds? The gf? Was she unfaithful?

 

I have thoughts, but they would pertain to the above questions.

 

I'm sorry your ds's homecoming was marred in this way. Thank God he is safely home! :grouphug:

 

:iagree:

[Mrs Mungo]

She was out of line. Chalk it up to immaturity -- she may not realize how selfish she has been until many years from now, when some little upstart steals her thunder. I'm sorry that your homecoming celebration was spoiled.

 

This is a terrible way to think of it. I'm telling you, it is the norm for wives/girlfriends to meet the plane or ship as opposed to parents or the *entire extended family*. It was reasonable for her to want to see him first. Yes, it was a little immature to do it without explaining to the parents, but the mom was already blowing up her phone. I can see wanting to avoid the drama.

[SunD]

I would tell my son to not share information with his mother that he doesn't plan on sharing with his serious GF/fiancee/wife.

 

Surprises can be nice, but if he wanted to surprise her he shouldn't have told you either. You had privileged information that she felt entitled to. She was likely angry that he hadn't excitedly called her before he ever even considered calling his mother. She put those feelings on you, blew off the plans that she was also upset you had made, and reasserted herself as #1. She did choose childish expressions for those feelings, but I can understand having them.

 

If there's any chance of marriage, let it go and pretend it never happened. That's better than an insincere apology. But really, I would encourage your DS to either clarify his relationship with her (if he in fact doesn't consider her family, isn't going to marry her, etc) so she doesn't expect to be #1, or (if he does intend to marry her) start treating her like #1. That includes getting special information first. It sounds like that's her expectation at this point.

[kalanamak]

 

LET. IT. GO.

 

:grouphug:

 

Not only let it go, act as if it never happened, and make a point of not making anything like this important ever again. I am finally on speaking terms with my husband's grown daughters because I just let everything (no-showing for a big feast I cooked for them and their friends because they were up too late and overslept by 6 hours, e.g.) COMPLETELY slide.

 

Either she'll grow up or she won't, but in the mean time, be the ultra-extra-super grown up in the situation. That may include a little less passion and attachment to coming-homes, birthdays, etc. Appear wise and calm. If you can't BE it, act it until you are. :)

[kalanamak]

 

If I thought she was unfaithful, she would be finished.

 

I am not sure what you mean? Dead? Driven off from son? Never spoken to again?

 

It is *their* business.

 

And, yes, 27 and childless is too young to understand a mother's feelings.

[jplain]

I'm telling you, it is the norm for wives/girlfriends to meet the plane or ship as opposed to parents or the *entire extended family*. It was reasonable for her to want to see him first. Yes, it was a little immature to do it without explaining to the parents, but the mom was already blowing up her phone. I can see wanting to avoid the drama.

:iagree:

 

Yes, yes, yes, and yes.

 

I live in a sub base town, and what Mrs Mungo describes is absolutely the norm.

Every time a boat comes home, the newspaper has pics of wives/girlfriends and young children greeting sailors.

There are never large groups of extended family waiting for the boat.

[AK_Mom4]

:grouphug: Sorry.....sounds like this is something that is really bugging you. Bummer.

 

I'm in the "drop it" camp. Sounds like your son has long-term plans with his GF and she wanted to be able to meet him. Very reasonable. Also sounds like you have a little resentment about the GF, probably also very reasonable. You probably gave her the willies with all the messages about you being upset and your plans being ruined. I'd be "not answering" if I were in her position for fear of making things even worse.

 

We are approaching your situation with DS20. He comes home infrequently and when he does come home, he wants to spend time with his girlfriend. So, while we would LOVE to meet him at the airport and welcome him home with lots of fuss, instead we let his girlfriend do the pickups and dropoffs so they get some time to reconnect. We work around their schedule while he is on leave and - sometimes - it's tricky.

 

But it's worth it to make my son's leave be a happy and restful time. Maybe it would help to think of dropping it as something you do for your son - to make his leave time better.

[Caribbean Queen]

So I guess I am asking if I am blowing this out of proportion, should I just let it go..

 

Yes.

[Cheryl in NM]

If she's to be considered a wife in military circles how come she couldn't get onto base? I'm not being snarky; just wondering.

[TravelingChris]

As a military wife, I concur with the POV expressed by Mrs. Mungo and many others. Don't mention your disappointment with her, and try to forget and move on. Enjoy the visit with your son.

[unsinkable]

No, you should not apologize. What would you be apologizing for? If it comes up, you could just say, "Well, we all planned to surprise him/you together, so it was disappointing when you/she decided to preempt the rest of us, but it doesn't matter now. The important thing is that he's/you're back! Let's celebrate!"

 

I agree! :iagree:

 

(But, wow, what a little....)

[TravelingChris]

Cheryl, the military does not consider girl-friends as wives and they don't get military IDs or any benefits. However, at some bases, there are support groups for both wives and girlfriends of deployed. The group leaders have names of the girl friends and give the names to the gate guards. This way they can come in and go to the meeting. Like any other visitor, they still have to show Driver's license and possibly registration and insurance. BUt as a military spouse, I could and have invited civilians to functions on base or to my house when I lived on base.

[Cheryl in NM]

Cheryl, the military does not consider girl-friends as wives and they don't get military IDs or any benefits. However, at some bases, there are support groups for both wives and girlfriends of deployed. The group leaders have names of the girl friends and give the names to the gate guards. This way they can come in and go to the meeting. Like any other visitor, they still have to show Driver's license and possibly registration and insurance. BUt as a military spouse, I could and have invited civilians to functions on base or to my house when I lived on base.

 

Great, thanks for clarifying!

[tex-mex]

She's thoughtless. But she's also young. Sometimes thoughtfulness doesn't show up until later.

 

 

But as has already been suggested, don't let it infringe on your time with your son. How exciting for him to be home!

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Don't let this incident be a hill to die on.

 

Her true colors will show itself (i.e. self-centeredness) when marriage occurs and kids are in the picture. Meantime, act like the better person and turn the other cheek. Or give her enough rope to hang herself. ;)

[5KidzRUs]

Cheryl, the military does not consider girl-friends as wives and they don't get military IDs or any benefits. However, at some bases, there are support groups for both wives and girlfriends of deployed. The group leaders have names of the girl friends and give the names to the gate guards. This way they can come in and go to the meeting. Like any other visitor, they still have to show Driver's license and possibly registration and insurance. BUt as a military spouse, I could and have invited civilians to functions on base or to my house when I lived on base.

 

:iagree:

Also, ships - all my sons ships did - have Facebook accounts with ombudsmen who give constant updates. I do not see how she could not have known.

Edited November 27, 2011 by 5KidzRUs

[Mrs Mungo]

Cheryl, the military does not consider girl-friends as wives and they don't get military IDs or any benefits. However, at some bases, there are support groups for both wives and girlfriends of deployed. The group leaders have names of the girl friends and give the names to the gate guards. This way they can come in and go to the meeting. Like any other visitor, they still have to show Driver's license and possibly registration and insurance. BUt as a military spouse, I could and have invited civilians to functions on base or to my house when I lived on base.

 

Exactly.

[elegantlion]

Sorry, but a live-in girl-friend with a strong possibility of getting married is not much different than a wife, IMO. I can tell you that what soldiers tell their parents and what they tell their significant others is often quite different. You don't know what they have discussed. Please, just let it go. Anything else would be stirring up drama during what should be a happy time before the hard work begins. :grouphug:

 

:iagree: I lived with dh before marriage. Both my parents and now-MIL treated us as a couple, with decent respect for being the significant other. It made a world of difference.

 

I would be steamed in your position, but I would let it go and celebrate my son being home.

[amey311]

:iagree:

Also, ships - all my sons ships did - have Facebook accounts with ambudsmen who give constant updates. I do not see how she could not have known.

 

Unless she was just eyeball deep in her Master's work (that was mentioned in the OP - she was studying for exams) and was working with an assumption that he wouldn't be home, or that he'd be home on a later date.

 

I guess I'm just willing to cut this woman some slack. Especially in the face of the 374659438 phone calls.