I am getting really tired of this!!! (rant warning)

[simka2]

My younger siblings are 14 and 13 years younger than me. Up until they were 4, I was their mother, in just about every way. I releshed the looks, the disdain. For some reason there was a certain poetic justice in knowing how judgemental these people were. If they only knew that the 15 year old was doing everything she could to give these 2 as stable a life as possible, while her mother struggled through serious postpartum, bi-polar, and alcholism.

[twoforjoy]

My younger siblings are 14 and 13 years younger than me. Up until they were 4, I was their mother, in just about every way. I releshed the looks, the disdain. For some reason there was a certain poetic justice in knowing how judgemental these people were. If they only knew that the 15 year old was doing everything she could to give these 2 as stable a life as possible, while her mother struggled through serious postpartum, bi-polar, and alcholism.

 

:grouphug:

[funschooler5]

:grouphug:

I think your response was entirely appropriate. The lady was being rude (that's putting it mildly), and should mind her own business.

[funschooler5]

I'm not sure that "didn't your mom teach you to wait?!" will ever be the opening to a friendly conversation.

 

:iagree:

 

If it was an innocent mistake, I would say to give the lady the benefit of the doubt, but to open with that line...she was just looking to pass judgement, imo. :glare:

[ereks mom]

If they are lecturing you or talking down to you, you will get the most effect by politely correcting them with a sweet smile (even if you are seething inside) and a cheery, "this is my little sibling !" . Because they will be embarrassed ! As they should be.

 

:iagree:

[gardenmom5]

! But that lady caught me on the wrong day, I was tired and didn't feel good, and usually I don't shoot back at anyone but that day was the last straw. I shot back at her,"Excusme but she is not my daughter, haven't you ever heard of something called a sister, and didn't your parents ever teach you to mind your own buisness??!!!"

 

:grouphug:

you could wear a shirt that say's "I'm the big sister", but some people would still not get it. I would also suggest paying attention to how you dress and groom when you have your siblings with you. More polished appearance in both dress and make-up as well as an aire of self-confidence should forestall looks of pity and hopefully snotty comments.

 

 

The woman was really out of line (she was way over the "is she your daughter?" line), and I totally sympathsize with your explosion. instead of automatically correcting them, try asking them why they think that - it will make them embarassed and they'll shut up.

 

my girls can relate. when 3ds's with them, many assume he's their's, but they don't get many comments or pitying looks. They present a polished/adult and confident appearance.

[AndyJoy]

If you can be witty or a smart-alec with a cheerful grin rather than seething you might make more progress in inducing well-deserved guilt and have more fun.:D

 

"Sweetie, didn't your mother teach you to wait?"

 

"Yep, she did. She also taught me and my little sister (gesture) not to make rude comments to strangers."

 

When my sister was 15 she used to regularly babysit a 2-year-old boy who looked SO much like her. She constantly got dirty looks and rude comments when out in public. People were rude enough to even not believe her when she said she was just babysitting because the resemblance was so striking! It didn't help that he was in the habit of calling her "mama" as well.:tongue_smilie: She would just say very loudly and cheerfully, "Yes Ben, we'll see your mama soon!"

[gardenmom5]

If it helps, I've had people ask if ds#1 was in the wedding :glare: (We are also Christians, and we waited for marriage.) Sadly, this is a sign of the times.

so true. years ago I mentioned in a causual conversation 1dd was born nine months after we got married. the response was "good timing on the wedding". well, actually, if we hadn't gotten married the, she wouldn't have been born when she was . . . goes over their heads. some of these are people looking to be snooty, and some are active sans marriage and incomprehending that some people choose to wait. (consider how many people think those who say they are waiting until marriage are lying.)

 

Even more annoying was when I was pregnant for my oldest I was 19 and married but people assumed I was a single teen mom. So annoying especially when the nurses at the hospital asked if I wanted the father on the birth certificate.:confused:

"shh, my husband wants his name on the birth certificate".

 

how many shades of red can you make the nurse?

 

 

Heh.

 

Or, "Yes, she's mine. My other four are at home."

:lol:

 

If you can be witty or a smart-alec with a cheerful grin rather than seething you might make more progress in inducing well-deserved guilt and have more fun.:D

 

"Sweetie, didn't your mother teach you to wait?"

 

"Yep, she did. She also taught me and my little sister (gesture) not to make rude comments to strangers."

 

When my sister was 15 she used to regularly babysit a 2-year-old boy who looked SO much like her. She constantly got dirty looks and rude comments when out in public. People were rude enough to even not believe her when she said she was just babysitting because the resemblance was so striking! It didn't help that he was in the habit of calling her "mama" as well.:tongue_smilie: She would just say very loudly and cheerfully, "Yes Ben, we'll see your mama soon!"

good response.

when little one was a toddler, he'd call his sister's "mama" too.

[keptwoman]

I don't know, I can't help but keep thinking "So what if they were?" If they were your kids, you wouldn't deserve the rude comments and dirty looks either, you know? Who knows the situation? For all the person knows, you could have been assaulted at 13 and had a child from that; would you really need nasty comments if that was the case? Would there be any case in which rude, judgmental comments would be appropriate? I honestly can't think of any, and it really, really bothers me that people treat teen moms that way. (And I say this as somebody who had my first at 26.)

 

I've got to imagine that it's hard enough to be a teen mom without people heaping scorn on you for something that 1) is done (I mean, it's not like you can send them back) and 2) was handled as well as it could have been. I try, given that, to be as nice and friendly to pregnant teens and teen moms as I can, and I'll go out of my way, if I see somebody who appears to be a teen mom at the playground or park, to go up and say hello and ask about her kids and basically treat her with the same friendliness and respect I'd treat any other mom (or person, for that matter) with. I don't think I've ever mistaken somebody's siblings for their kids, but if I did, it would be a totally innocent mistake and I wouldn't mean any harm or judgment by it.

:iagree:

 

:grouphug:

I think your response was entirely appropriate. The lady was being rude (that's putting it mildly), and should mind her own business.

:iagree:

[LMD]

Soak it up!

 

Beam and say, "I wish! These are my sisters, but I can't wait until I'm old enough to have children."

 

Believe me - all the advice you get when you are young is very annoying, but one day (sooner than you think!) you'll look in the mirror, realize that you are old (anything above 35 as a woman) and darn near invisible! Not only will no one give you advice, they won't even see you.

 

I think that's why older people give unsolicited advice: They're lonely.

 

If you really want to turn the situation around, say the above sentence and then ask them a question - "What was it like for you when you had your children?" They'll be so flabbergasted that you even care that they'll probably just faint and you can go about your business.

 

Love this, Gold! :D

[AngieW in Texas]

My dh's stepfather was actually held for questioning by the police because his mother (23yo at the time) fit the description of a 12yo who had been kidnapped that day. She had to have her parents come to the police station to identify her. They wouldn't believe that my dh (4yo at the time) was her son even though he was calling her "mommy." They thought her driver's license was fake.

[kolamum]

:grouphug: Stick your tongue out and keep on walking. ;) Okay, the t-shirt is probably a much better idea.

 

I once rescued someone's toddler from being hit by a car in aparking lot and some lady chewed me out for letting my child run amuck. His 30 year old mother did, not me. I simply grabbed him when I saw the car coming. People don't think, they just presume. Or assume, and my brother has a great saying for that word.. ;)

[nd293]

"Is she your daughter, you look to young sweetie didn't your parents teach you to wait?" :cursing: WHAT!!??? I mean what a question to ask someone!

 

I do sympathise! I was a couple of weeks short of 29yrs when dd was born, but I have always been told I look young (which is not so bad when you're pushing 40 :D). I also had the comments and they would drive me insane. I was never actually rude to anyone, but when one older lady made unwanted comment about me looking too young to have a child I considered telling her she looked too old to still be alive. Glad I didn't, of course, as she meant nothing unkind by her comment, but oh, it would have been good to respond! I always wondered what I was supposed to say to such comments? And what if I was a very young mother? How would comments about my age help?

[KidsHappen]

That used to happen to my oldest dd all the time. She is 26 and the youngest is 12 so I guess technically she was old enough and it didn't help that she looked older than her age and the youngest was very attached to her. So when we went anywhere people thought oldest was mom, youngest was daughter and I was grandmother. My dd dealt with this ok because it was an easy mistake but when they thought the next youngest one was also hers, then she would get a little offended. After all there is only 11 years between them. Sometimes when we go out now, people think my oldest and I are sister which is so great for her ego either. It isn't so much that she looks as old as I do but more that I just don't look old enough to have the oldest four (I also have a son who is 28) plus three SILs and one grandchild.

[LaxMom]

My eldest daughter was 15 when the boys were born. One day went I went to pick her up from school, she asked if we could bring them in to meet her Spanish teacher. While we were in the hallway talking, her English teacher wandered over and asked if they were hers. I did the :001_huh: face and asked if he wouldn't notice a 15 year old in his class, pregnant with twins.

 

So, if someone who sees the (skinny, not given to wearing baggy clothes) teenager in question every day can't figure that one out...

 

Back in the yuppie days when I was a very young mother (18) and everyone else was having their first child in their 30s, people talked to me like I was the nanny.

Edited October 10, 2011 by MyCrazyHouse

[SeekingHim77]

I was in my early twenties with a 3 year old when a well meaning lady at church told me I was so sweet and then asked me what grade I was in. I hated looking younger when I was younger but am glad for it now!

 

I really never new that this kind of thing happened. I have several friends with multiple aged children and the olders have never complained about anything like this when they have a younger (or 2!) in tow.

 

I agree with those who have recommended that you just ignore it and don't let it bother you. There will always be someone to judge you for something they think you're doing wrong. Let it roll like water of a duck's back. Keep smiling and it will set a great example for your siblings. Your family is very blessed to have you.:001_smile:

Edited October 10, 2011 by Melanie32
sp.

[KristinaBreece]

I'm a Christian and also the 27 year old mother of an 11 year old.

 

I just want to agree with everyone who said that, even if they were your children, it's no one else's business. Life happens & you move on. My mom had me at 16. She and my dad were active, Christian members of their youth group. They certainly weren't the only teens at their church having sex. They were just the ones that got "caught."

 

So, I know how it feels to have someone assume your siblings are your kiddos (my baby brother is 16 years younger than me), but people should learn to shut up when something's not their business. Which means.... most of the time. ;)

[Impish]

Diva, whose 12, has been asked if she's Wolf's wife, and also if she's mother to the Littles.

 

Yes, she looks older than 12, but not that old!

[SailorMom]

Uh - yeah - you're old enough, sad to say. And really - you could be older. I know people had a hard time figuring out my age until about now (I'm 37). I looked way younger than I was for years.

 

I don't see the big deal, just correct them nicely.

 

I was 22 and 23 when I had my sons, and I kept getting asked if I was still going to graduate high school.....:tongue_smilie:

[LuvingLife]

I do try to shake off comments like this, it was just the way the person approached me and the way she sounded so rude, I was not having a good day as you can tell. I think I am going to get a T-shirt that says Big Sister on it, I really like that idea. I just hate it when people jump to conclusions too quickly, I don't mind the asking, it's when they are being rude I can't stand it.

[Hunter's Moon]

When I was just barely 16, I was with my friend's younger brother (then 9) and was asked if he was mine. Yes, he looked younger than 9 and I looked older than 16, so I let it go. It made us laugh, though.

 

I was also asked if I was married by a 30-something year old man when I was 16 and he wouldn't believe I wasn't in my 20s. It was a bit creepy, I should have just said I was married so he'd let it go :lol:

[LibraryLover]

When I was your age I made a ton of money babysitting. I was always asked if the kids were mine, but I always answered I was the babysitter.

 

I think it's part of the job. My oldest and youngest have a large age gap, and the same thing happened to him. He, however, did like it. He said the kid was a chick magnet. ;)

 

Certain forms of dementia can also cause once perfectly normal people to say some odd things. Even if this elderly lady wasn't afflicted with declining cognitive health, you can pretend the next person is. Maybe if you take pity you can save yourself the aggravation.

Edited October 10, 2011 by LibraryLover

[KristinaBreece]

When I was just barely 16, I was with my friend's younger brother (then 9) and was asked if he was mine. Yes, he looked younger than 9 and I looked older than 16, so I let it go. It made us laugh, though.

 

I was also asked if I was married by a 30-something year old man when I was 16 and he wouldn't believe I wasn't in my 20s. It was a bit creepy, I should have just said I was married so he'd let it go :lol:

 

There was a developmentally disabled older man who attended the church my family went to when I was a teen. (His provider was a church member-- when she had to work with him on Sundays, she brought him to church with her.) He asked every girl over the age of 12, "How's your husband?" every time he was there. If he found out a girl wasn't married, he tended to kind of... fixate. So the only right answer, married or not, was, "He's doing fine. Thanks for asking!"

[Aubrey]

they are probably just trying to be friendly and make conversation. Maybe you look a little older than you are, or maybe you are old enough that some kids your age are mothers. It's not an insult to make pleasant conversation that assumes a child is yours.

 

Not when they're questioning your morality! There's nothing friendly about "didn't your mother teach you to wait?" Besides, even if OP WAS a teen mother, doesn't such a person EVER get to live that down??? How AWFUL!

 

I suppose I can tell you it could be worse. You could be 42 and some busy body asks if your 9-year old is your grandchild. :glare: Yup, it happened to me.

 

I hate being asked if I'm pg 3x in one day when I'm not, but at least in our situations there's no judgment. I think OP's is much worse!

 

I'm not sure that "didn't your mom teach you to wait?!" will ever be the opening to a friendly conversation.

 

I don't know, I can't help but keep thinking "So what if they were?" If they were your kids, you wouldn't deserve the rude comments and dirty looks either, you know? Who knows the situation? For all the person knows, you could have been assaulted at 13 and had a child from that; would you really need nasty comments if that was the case? Would there be any case in which rude, judgmental comments would be appropriate? I honestly can't think of any, and it really, really bothers me that people treat teen moms that way. (And I say this as somebody who had my first at 26.)

 

I've got to imagine that it's hard enough to be a teen mom without people heaping scorn on you for something that 1) is done (I mean, it's not like you can send them back) and 2) was handled as well as it could have been. I try, given that, to be as nice and friendly to pregnant teens and teen moms as I can, and I'll go out of my way, if I see somebody who appears to be a teen mom at the playground or park, to go up and say hello and ask about her kids and basically treat her with the same friendliness and respect I'd treat any other mom (or person, for that matter) with. I don't think I've ever mistaken somebody's siblings for their kids, but if I did, it would be a totally innocent mistake and I wouldn't mean any harm or judgment by it.

 

I guess, IMO, if somebody is simply being friendly (if they ask if they're your kids in a "Oh, your kids are so beautiful!" way), I'd just politely correct them. If somebody is being rude, and tries to shame you because they think you have kids, I'd be tempted to just give them a look to let them know how inappropriate their comment was and leave it at that, unless they pushed it and it was necessary to clarify things.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

I do try to shake off comments like this, it was just the way the person approached me and the way she sounded so rude, I was not having a good day as you can tell. I think I am going to get a T-shirt that says Big Sister on it, I really like that idea. I just hate it when people jump to conclusions too quickly, I don't mind the asking, it's when they are being rude I can't stand it.

 

:grouphug: I think the way you responded was completely in the bounds of appropriate. Hopefully you have reeducated one person, & the world is a slightly better place because of it.

 

And as long as you're going to wear the "Big Sister" t-shirt, I need about 20 of the "not pregnant" ones. Well. Not at the moment I don't, but for the last 10 years, I could have gotten good use out of them. ;) I'd be (pleasantly) surprised if that changes next month. :lol:

[SKL]

My sister is 13 years younger than I, and I used to spend a lot of time out & about with her. However, I also looked young for my age, so mostly people didn't assume anything. I do remember once when I was in college (at age 16/17) and I had taken my kid sister (then about 4) to the campus with me for some reason. One of my professors saw us together and suddenly his face fell - like, "oh, what a tragedy, babies raising babies." It could have been funny, but I didn't want people honestly thinking that way about me. Especially since I was a prude!

 

I agree with having something to say out loud when busybodies come around - maybe something about "we need to catch up with mom in xx minutes" or the like.

 

People do need to mind their own business. How is it that some people always assume that they know the life story of perfect strangers? I'm glad you told that lady off.

 

Ah, but you may get your reward someday. One day I was helping my "kid" sister move into a new apartment. She and I decided to go buy some beer for the helpers. They carded me but not my sister, LOL. I think she began hating me that day!

 

One day my mom got carded when she and her adult son ordered beer at a restaurant. Ha ha! She was quite angry at the time.

 

In retrospect, it's all quite funny!

[celticmom]

My dh is the youngest of his siblings and we married and started a family late. My dd's next oldest cousin was about 16 one time when she and her family and our family were all eating together at a restuarant. DD was a toddler at the time and her highchair was between me and her cousin. Her cousin does not get to see her very often and was enjoying playing with her and feeding her. Then dd "escaped" and tried to go running through the crowded restuarant. I immediately went after her and retrieved her and calmed the inevitable protest. The waitress commented that I must be the mother. We all laughed and told her that I was.

Edited to add: My dd and her cousin do actually look very similiar. I can look at her cousin and have a very good idea of what she will look like when she is older.

Edited October 10, 2011 by celticmom

[celticmom]

Here's another good one for you.

 

One of the reasons I stopped dying my hair? Because people thought my oldest SON (21) was my HUSBAND. He actually stopped going anywhere with me, or, started calling me MOM really loudly.

 

Yes, I've aged well, but really? Gave me the absolute *creeps* when people looked at me like that.

 

 

I know someone who had an even worse, or better depending on your perspective, experience. Her son was in his twenties and prematurely greying. He was also well over six feet and heavily built and he wore a full beard. She had just dyed her hairand they went into Walmart together. She was buying some fabric and her son said that he was going to another department to look at something while the clerk was cutting the fabric. The clerk told her not to worry that she should be finished cutting the fabric before my friend's FATHER comes back. She was gleeful. Her son was embarassed.

[celticmom]

An evil thought to stop a judgemental conversation in its tracks would be to give the impression that you know nothing about the birds and the bees and have quite a few questions. As in, "He's my brother but what do you mean by wait? How exactly do babies happen anyway? No seems to to want to answer my questions." I think most of the type of people who would ask that sort of question would retreat very, very quickly. :lol:

[Teachin'Mine]

I do try to shake off comments like this, it was just the way the person approached me and the way she sounded so rude, I was not having a good day as you can tell. I think I am going to get a T-shirt that says Big Sister on it, I really like that idea. I just hate it when people jump to conclusions too quickly, I don't mind the asking, it's when they are being rude I can't stand it.

 

One saying "Little Sister" for the youngest might be cute too. :)

 

Fabric markers are a way to do it inexpensively. ;)

[swellmomma]

My oldest dd would always refer to herself as sissy in front of people giving her mean looks. She would loudly say something like "sissy said..." or "come to sissy".

But be forewarned, if you are young looking when you do have children, people still treat you the same way. I looked very young at 22 when pregnant with dd1. People gave me mean looks all the time. I was constantly telling people how old I was!

 

 

:iagree: I got the same thing. I was married but looked young for my age. So when I was 22 and had 2 under 1 I had some really rude comments said to me, about teen moms, sleeping around etc. I usually responded with "I'll be sure to share your opinion with my husband" That usually shut them up quickly or had them stammering "you are older than you look aren't you?" To which I would just smile and walk away. When I was still a teen, I had a couple kids that I babysat regularily and would take them out either to the park, or the store or whatever and had people ask if I was their mom.

 

:grouphug: to the OP. I don't think there is much to do though other than simply respond that they are your siblings and laugh about the question as if it was the craziest thing you have ever heard.

[KatieJ]

I have learned that people are not observant and jump to conclusions they have no business making. Happens to my family repeatedly. I have learned to just smile and correct them and let them be embarassed.

 

All ends of the above discussions have happened to me and my family.

 

Our oldest is 13 years older than her youngest brother. Same husband, same Dad, just some huge God created gaps in our family.

 

When she (oldest) was 18 and working at a local gas station, my husband would take our two youngest (Sons) to get gas and see our daughter working behind the counter. After they left, many times she was asked if A: Was that her boyfriend

B: Were those her kids! The boys were about 5 and 6 at the time!

 

When DD #2 had her firstborn, we flew down to meet them. Several times folks assumed he ( my DH) was the Dad.

Even now he gets asked that..

 

One woman in Costco ( she was handing out samples)after she mistook my hubby for the kids father, pulled my DD aside and told her to tell her mother to dye her hair!!!!!!! Actually, I should have filed a complaint about her..but well, she is what she is and I just let it go.

 

 

And lastly..last winter when our youngest son got married my DIL's grandmother asked me if the man I was walking into rehearsal with was my son in law! I responded, no he is your future Grandson in law's Dad. She was embarassed and said, well, I was expecting someone older!

I said, he is older than I am. (We met in Kindergarten). She backed up stuttering and said, He izzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz??????????? Then she said, I guess I had better just go be quiet someplace.

[SKL]

Then she said, I guess I had better just go be quiet someplace.

 

:lol:

 

If only more obnoxious conversations ended this way!

[Aubrey]

Since married--my kids all have different hair colors--red, black, brown w/ gold hilights, & blonde. Lots of: are these all yours? same father?

 

Which isn't helped by one of them yelling to strangers: Is that my daddy? (because she sees the back of his head & truly wonders if daddy happens to be there).

 

Or the other little one saying loudly, The baby's daddy (I'm pg) is MY daddy, too!

 

But when I had only 2, people always assumed I was the sitter. When I first opened this post, I couldn't imagine what was wrong w/ someone thinking siblings were really one's kids. But I hadn't followed that thought through w/ the judgment & implications. Ugh.

[swellmomma]

Since married--my kids all have different hair colors--red, black, brown w/ gold hilights, & blonde. Lots of: are these all yours? same father?

 

Which isn't helped by one of them yelling to strangers: Is that my daddy? (because she sees the back of his head & truly wonders if daddy happens to be there).

 

Or the other little one saying loudly, The baby's daddy (I'm pg) is MY daddy, too!

 

But when I had only 2, people always assumed I was the sitter. When I first opened this post, I couldn't imagine what was wrong w/ someone thinking siblings were really one's kids. But I hadn't followed that thought through w/ the judgment & implications. Ugh.

 

:lol::lol::lol:

[mom2scouts]

My oldest and youngest child are 16 years apart. It's not how I planned it, but our losses spread out our children and I was an older mother with my youngest. My son and his girlfriend are often mistaken for my young daughter's parents when we go out together. My son's girlfriend loves playing "mom" and she would often carry the baby into restaurants and stores and confuse the waitress or clerk. They would try to ask her if they should get something for the baby, and then be really confused when I would answer.

[Ellesmere]

 

Certain forms of dementia can also cause once perfectly normal people to say some odd things. Even if this elderly lady wasn't afflicted with declining cognitive health, you can pretend the next person is. Maybe if you take pity you can save yourself the aggravation.

 

Good point. I don't think I mentioned that the lady who asked if my (slightly younger) husband was my father was probably suffering from dementia or something.

 

And I had to tell myself that the lady who complimented me on my "chink" baby was senile or I would have probably lost it. (And I really do think she was either senile or mentally ill. I met her again, and she was, if possible, pleasantly rude and clueless.)

 

It was rude of the lady to ask the OP if she was taught to wait, but yeah, I remember my grandmother used to say strange things. She didn't seem too far gone, if you didn't know her, but she suffered from dementia. Some people do ask questions like that and are just being judgmental, but pretending they are ill or maybe pitying them for living a life with such a judgmental attitude would help me cope.

[LuvingLife]

Some of you do have a point about dementia, it may have been it, I just really need to keep my attitude in check and try to have sympathy towards others, hopefully my mouth won't get the best of me!:D