Article by Josh Harris - Homeschool Blindspots

[LatinTea]

http://www.joshharris.com/2011/09/homeschool_blindspots.php

 

My ds just sent this article to me. I wonder if he was trying to tell me something. Hmmmmm.

Edited September 15, 2011 by LatinTea

[Tenaj]

Wow . . . excellent article. Thanks for sharing it!

[stripe]

You might find this interesting too

 

http://childlightusa.wordpress.com/2011/09/12/children-are-born-person-revisited-by-leslie-noelani-laurio/

[WishboneDawn]

Fantastic article. Point number 3 struck home especially in what I see online on many, many Christian homschooling blogs and in what I myself sometimes do.

[justamouse]

Wow. that was great.

[mom31257]

Can't wait to read it!

[8filltheheart]

http://www.joshharris.com/2011/09/homeschool_blindspots.php

 

My ds just sent this article to me. I wonder if he was trying to tell me something. Hmmmmm.

 

I am so glad you posted the article b/c it revealed a great blessing in what I have always thought of as a great trial. Having a child w/a disability that included violence and a severe lack of self-control definitely leaves you living in a state of complete humbleness (and often humiliated) and on your knees in order to persevere long enough to survive until the next day.

 

Our ds's behaviors made us learn the hard-way that ultimately we are not responsible for our older children's decisions and behaviors. We can guide and influence them as they grow up, but ultimately, especially in the later teenage yrs, their decisions are theirs and the consequences that come with them.

 

Having a disabled child/adult has also forced us to let go of "our" dreams and fully realize that their lives are not "dreams" but reality. They are who they are and they are limited by their abilities as well as their own personal decisions/vision/personality.

 

I guess also being the youngest of a very large family and knowing how differently all my siblings are compared to me even though our parents raised us all similarly helps me realize just how much is not determined by our up-bringing. I have realized that my main responsibility toward my adult children is to be like St. Monica toward St. Augustine.......never stop praying.

[abacus2]

Fabulous article. Thank you.

[LatinTea]

My ds did say that he wasn't trying to tell me anything, just that he thought the moms (and dads) here might like to read this article. We also had a good conversation about how many of these points of concern can happen in any family, not just in homeschooling ones. :001_smile:

[Sebastian (a lady)]

I am so glad you posted the article b/c it revealed a great blessing in what I have always thought of as a great trial. Having a child w/a disability that included violence and a severe lack of self-control definitely leaves you living in a state of complete humbleness (and often humiliated) and on your knees in order to persevere long enough to survive until the next day.

 

Our ds's behaviors made us learn the hard-way that ultimately we are not responsible for our older children's decisions and behaviors. We can guide and influence them as they grow up, but ultimately, especially in the later teenage yrs, their decisions are theirs and the consequences that come with them.

 

Having a disabled child/adult has also forced us to let go of "our" dreams and fully realize that their lives are not "dreams" but reality. They are who they are and they are limited by their abilities as well as their own personal decisions/vision/personality.

 

I guess also being the youngest of a very large family and knowing how differently all my siblings are compared to me even though our parents raised us all similarly helps me realize just how much is not determined by our up-bringing. I have realized that my main responsibility toward my adult children is to be like St. Monica toward St. Augustine.......never stop praying.

 

Peter Enns said something that struck me at the Cincinnati Convention. He concluded one of his workshops by saying something along the lines of: Relax a little, because it's not all up to you. What if God really does love your children and want to draw them closer to him? He will find ways to do that, even if you are not perfect.

 

There are some days that this is the best hope I can cling to.

[Beth in SW WA]

Wow. I needed this. Thank you!!

 

Off to pray. Mama's got some soul searching' to do....

[RubberChickenGirl]

So good....St Monica toward St Augustine. We have a wayward adult son (or two) and I had never been inclined to read The Confessions of St Augustine and in the middle of the dark night of our souls, I picked it up. Hmmm....God is good.

[heart'sjoy]

There is even more to the article. A link on the article takes you to the original.

 

I always need reminding that God is so much bigger than me. Relationship is more valuable than school stuff.

[4everHis]

Excellent article. Will be re-reading it. . .

[Colleen in NS]

What if God really does love your children and want to draw them closer to him? He will find ways to do that, even if you are not perfect.

 

Thanks for mentioning this.

 

I loved reading Reb Bradley's article.

[Jen the RD]

Loved this article and appreciated Reb Bradley's humility in discussing he and his wife's shortfalls. Regardless of homeschooling, being a parent is the toughest job I've ever had. I've seen God in more ways than I could ever imagine just living and being with my dh & children. His points leave me pondering about our homeschooling future as so much of what he said resonated with things that I've been praying about recently. Gotta pray some more!!

 

Jennifer

[dhudson]

Thanks for posting. It's a great reminder to check our motives. I know that I am far more lenient than my home schooling parents because of those very things.

 

Silly as it sounds, I had to give over how my children dressed. It took me a bit to realize that it is not reflection of me but over their sense of style and individual taste. They must dress modestly and appropriate for the weather but after that, they have free reign. Oh, the color combinations and stripe and plaid patterns together that my children have come out in.

[dhudson]

Double post! Sorry!

Edited September 14, 2011 by dhudson

[Sebastian (a lady)]

Thanks for mentioning this.

 

I loved reading Reb Bradley's article.

 

It was a chicken skin moment for me to hear it in the workshop. I still catch my breath thinking of it. My kids having a fruitful, prosperous, blessed life that honors God doesn't rely on my perfect parenting. Thank goodness, because some weeks there is precious little perfect parenting at my house.

[Sebastian (a lady)]

I printed this out (the full article) to read.

 

I did think some of the comments were interesting. There seemed to be a number of commenters who missed the point. I don't think he was trying to say that homeschooling was bad. Rather, that it could be done badly or done out of motivations to control outcomes that aren't really in a parent's control.

 

As my kids grow into teenagers, I find that I am more and more prone to the sarcasm and biting tone that I used on young sailors in the Navy. But my kids aren't 19-20 something mids and sailors, prone to hard work, hard play and hard drinking. And I'm not my kids' division officer.

 

I didn't use that tone when they were younger. Maybe I was more aware of their sensitivities. Maybe they just didn't hide the hurt feelings as well when they were 6 and I slipped up, so I was more quick to ask forgiveness.

 

It is so challenging to see the future men right behind my kids' faces and know that my harshness could drive away those soon to be adults. Chastening.

[Nan in Mass]

If it is any comfort, I remember my mother, who has never been in any situation where she needed to be anything other than polite, noticing that she did not use a gentle tone with us anymore now that we were teenagers, and that perhaps she ought to. I think this happens to all parents to some extent. One tends to feel that one isn't getting through at times and be tempted into using more extreme language. I think you are right, though, and it isn't a matter of not getting through but rather a matter of the teen being able to show only what he wishes.

Nan

[Lizzie in Ma]

It was a chicken skin moment for me to hear it in the workshop. I still catch my breath thinking of it. My kids having a fruitful, prosperous, blessed life that honors God doesn't rely on my perfect parenting. Thank goodness, because some weeks there is precious little perfect parenting at my house.

 

Well said.

[speedmom4]

Great article!

 

Thanks for posting.

 

Elise in NC

[laughing lioness]

I'm reading "Almost Christian" that states that only 8% of kids raised in a Christian home embrace a faith based on historical Christianity. We've known kids raised by "good homeschooling families" and are drug addicts, live with someone else's spouse, have kids out of wed-lock, gone to jail, have felonies, etc. etc. Homeschooling doesn't save anybody.

 

And, as our kids grow up, they have minds of their owns. They make their own decisions, their own mistakes, etc. No matter how much good, gentle parenting we do, our kids can turn into wild hellions just becasue they choose to.

 

We are only responsible for our part, not for outcomes.

 

I appreciate Reb Bradley's humility but part of me is wondering why this article is such a revelation. (there, I said it)

[pdalley]

I'm reading "Almost Christian" that states that only 8% of kids raised in a Christian home embrace a faith based on historical Christianity. We've known kids raised by "good homeschooling families" and are drug addicts, live with someone else's spouse, have kids out of wed-lock, gone to jail, have felonies, etc. etc. Homeschooling doesn't save anybody.

 

And, as our kids grow up, they have minds of their owns. They make their own decisions, their own mistakes, etc. No matter how much good, gentle parenting we do, our kids can turn into wild hellions just becasue they choose to.

 

We are only responsible for our part, not for outcomes.

 

I appreciate Reb Bradley's humility but part of me is wondering why this article is such a revelation. (there, I said it)

 

(We is used in a general sense in my reply)

 

A lot of people want to think if we 'program' our kids then they will turn out like a math equation - like if we only let them do x, y and z then they will only turn out the way we plan. A lot of popular Christian homeschool 'names' don't come out and say that but I think it can be implied or we may even want to think that. I think society - in general - looks for a sure fix or a quick fix. We discount that children are people too and they have their own path to follow and as a Christian I need to remember God knows that path and I don't.

 

The article made me realize that I might pay lip service to letting my kids become what they want I am also guilty of the things he points out in this article. I also take God out of the equation by doing so. He drew me to Him though I was about as sinful as rebellious and oh so self centered when I was younger and was not raised in a church or any religion at all. How then can I doubt that God will draw my children to Him if they decide not to choose Him at some point? (As of now they are all self professed believers and I take no credit for that as I am not a very good example most of the time) How can I say that I believe God had a path for me planned out yet not have the same faith He knows the path for my kids?

 

I lose sight of this quite a bit and I'm going to keep this article as a reminder.

[Sebastian (a lady)]

I appreciate Reb Bradley's humility but part of me is wondering why this article is such a revelation. (there, I said it)

 

 

Many things are common sense when you see them stated.

 

But reading the article, I was reminded of at least one parenting program that was popular when my boys were little that actually said that teen rebellion was a deviation from the natural course of God's plan for families. That parenting in a certain manner could almost assure a family of having righteous children.

 

I think there are many homeschool speakers and curriculums that implicitly suggest this as well.

 

Reflecting on Biblical parenting models like Isaac, Jacob, Samuel, David and Solomon, I find myself wondering how I could have agreed that rebellion was rooted in anything other than individual selfishness and self-centeredness (on both the part of parent and child and with respect to their relationship with each other and individually with God).

 

I don't think that the article is despairing or advocating doing whatever because none of it matters. It is advocating a lot more humility than I have seen many parenting and homeschool "leaders" at times bringing to the table.

 

BTW, I'm finding this an excellent article to practice those active reading annotation skills on. :D

 

(The thread about book choices where even Ender's Game is too non-conservative a book is an example (imho) of the type of attempt at control that the article is referring to. The sort of desire to so shelter our offspring that no exposure to the world is permitted.)

[Momto3indians]

Thanks for sharing!

[KathyBC]

You might find this interesting too

 

http://childlightusa.wordpress.com/2011/09/12/children-are-born-person-revisited-by-leslie-noelani-laurio/

 

Thanks for this one.

[Colleen in NS]

I appreciate Reb Bradley's humility but part of me is wondering why this article is such a revelation. (there, I said it)

 

I'm trying to "read" this in the way you intended - do you mean revelation to you, or revelation to Bradley?

 

I find myself wondering how I could have agreed that rebellion was rooted in anything other than individual selfishness and self-centeredness (on both the part of parent and child and with respect to their relationship with each other and individually with God).

 

thoughts for me to ponder....thank you.

[Jane in NC]

Many things are common sense when you see them stated.

 

But reading the article, I was reminded of at least one parenting program that was popular when my boys were little that actually said that teen rebellion was a deviation from the natural course of God's plan for families. That parenting in a certain manner could almost assure a family of having righteous children.

 

I think there are many homeschool speakers and curriculums that implicitly suggest this as well.

 

 

 

Seems to me that many parents (not just homeschooling parents) fail to allow their children to become the people they are--not the people that their parents want them to be.

 

It is hard to point kids in a direction without forcing a choice upon them. I think what makes a world of difference is treating our kids as rational human beings from the early years. Instead of imposing our adult wills, we need to explain why we make the choices we make. Open lines of communication will not prevent our kids from stumbling, but it is important that my child know he has a home where he is loved unconditionally--even if we do not see eye to eye.

[LatinTea]

Thanks for mentioning this.

 

I loved reading Reb Bradley's article.

 

Geez, I guess I need to read the credits a bit better. I wondered why Josh Harris (young guy, isn't he?) would write an article where he has older kids. Thanks for pointing that out in such a kind way. ;)

[Colleen in NS]

Geez, I guess I need to read the credits a bit better. I wondered why Josh Harris (young guy, isn't he?) would write an article where he has older kids. Thanks for pointing that out in such a kind way. ;)

 

LOL, that's what made me click on this thread in the first place - I wondered what on earth he would have to say about homeschooling blindspots from a parent's perspective! It actually took me a few minutes to figure out that he wasn't the author of the article. :D

[Nan in Mass]

I think there is a tendency to discount inborn personality, and also to discount the community and the culture at large. With our lack of television and tight family clan, when I was growing up, we tended to consider ourselves sort of immune from the culture of our community. LOL Then my mother decided to have her new kitchen all white and two years later, all white kitchens became the rage. We began to notice numerous examples of this, despite the almost total lack of advertisements and popular culutre in our lives. We tend to be almost exactly two years ahead of whatever is popular. We concluded that few people escape this, even if they have a strong family culture, even if they homeschool, even if they have no tv and seldom see any ads in any form of media. That saying "It takes a village to raise a child" appears to be true, even if you think you don't need that village or think you have provided your own alternative village.

 

Raising children in a small town is humbling. I think parents of public school children deal with this immediately, in kindergarten, when the teacher tells them their child just told the whole class what you said at dinner last night. Also, in my experience, public school teachers try to include the parents up until about third grade. As soon as the child seems old enough, they will deal with him directly if they possibly can, no matter what they say they do. They probably have all have had too many bad experiences with ineffective parents not to try to fix things themselves when possible. A parent's ability to be gate keeper or even to have input into a situation is ended soon enough that it is hard to hang on to any illusions. Even if the child is homeschooled, if he is in scouts and has a library card and takes piano lessons, he is part of the town, even if the parents see no evidence of it. The whole town knows what your child is up to and what he is like when you aren't around to and comments on it. And some people offer support and make you not feel so alone and tell you their own uncomfortable stories and assure you that it probably isn't your fault : )

 

Nan

Edited September 14, 2011 by Nan in Mass

[G5052]

At the time it seemed common sense, but since then we've encountered a number of what I call "if-then" families. IF the father is the "head" of the home, IF the women dress modestly, IF you homeschool using X curriculum, IF the wife doesn't hold down a job too, if....then the kids will all turn out to be wonderful, believing adults who marry wonderful spouses and homeschool wonderful children who...

 

It is legalism, pure legalism. They are setting conditions that are not conditions. They are not allowing the freedom to construct a family where conditions are less than perfect that still seeks God. In a way I think that imperfect families who are spiritually honest will produce more fruit that the ones who have to "do" everything right.

[laughing lioness]

I'm trying to "read" this in the way you intended - do you mean revelation to you, or revelation to Bradley?

 

 

 

 

 

I wonder why it's a revelation to realize that legalism binds and chains instead of sets free.

[Sebastian (a lady)]

I wonder why it's a revelation to realize that legalism binds and chains instead of sets free.

 

I think that it can be a revelation that what you thought was prudence and obedience was tilting (perhaps wildly) toward legalism.

 

I only got about half way through the article thus far. I thought his discussion of avoiding not only tv, but certain shops (for fear of underwear advertising) and lecturing his sons if they drove past a strip club was incredibly candid.

 

But no one would think he was being a good dad to introduce his kids to strip clubs. So you have two things that are clearly both extreme. But where is the dividing line?

[Nan in Mass]

We know people who were raised by extremely permissive parents. They were brats when they were little and their parents didn't like them very much. They had rocky young adulthoods with lots of dangerous experimentation. If their parents were loving, stable parents rather than neglectful or unstable parents, they turned out fine in the end. They wound up very compassionate people, embracing their parents' values, although with the emphasis on "explore and discover your own beliefs", they didn't necessarily wind up the same religion as their parents. If you want to keep your children's hearts, this seems to be the best way. It is fraught with such major disadvantages (like the risk of winding up injured or in jail) that I would never recommend it, but it shows that the whole thing is something of a paradox and as a parent, the best path is probably some sort of nebulous line that is very difficult to find that balances the need to respect one's children's personhood and the need to guide and guard them from both themselves and the world. Ultimately, I think what matters most is the parents' intentions. Parents can make a lot of mistakes and still get away with it if they truly, unselfishly love their children and want what is best for them, and if the children see them acting truly unselfishly and lovingly towards other people in the family and the community and the world. Teens have an uncanny ability to sense when adults are really doing something for selfish motives not altruistic ones.

It is difficult.

Nan

[WishboneDawn]

I think there is a tendency to discount inborn personality, and also to discount the community and the culture at large. With our lack of television and tight family clan, when I was growing up, we tended to consider ourselves sort of immune from the culture of our community. LOL Then my mother decided to have her new kitchen all white and two years later, all white kitchens became the rage. We began to notice numerous examples of this, despite the almost total lack of advertisements and popular culutre in our lives. We tend to be almost exactly two years ahead of whatever is popular. We concluded that few people escape this, even if they have a strong family culture, even if they homeschool, even if they have no tv and seldom see any ads in any form of media. That saying "It takes a village to raise a child" appears to be true, even if you think you don't need that village or think you have provided your own alternative village.

 

Raising children in a small town is humbling. I think parents of public school children deal with this immediately, in kindergarten, when the teacher tells them their child just told the whole class what you said at dinner last night. Also, in my experience, public school teachers try to include the parents up until about third grade. As soon as the child seems old enough, they will deal with him directly if they possibly can, no matter what they say they do. They probably have all have had too many bad experiences with ineffective parents not to try to fix things themselves when possible. A parent's ability to be gate keeper or even to have input into a situation is ended soon enough that it is hard to hang on to any illusions. Even if the child is homeschooled, if he is in scouts and has a library card and takes piano lessons, he is part of the town, even if the parents see no evidence of it. The whole town knows what your child is up to and what he is like when you aren't around to and comments on it. And some people offer support and make you not feel so alone and tell you their own uncomfortable stories and assure you that it probably isn't your fault : )

 

Nan

 

I don't know if this was a point you were working towards but I see a lot of hostility towards that idea, it takes a village, with some homeschoolers these days. The attitude seems to be that these are my children, all mine, and you as a random stranger have no right to correct my child in public or make a comment to me about my children's behaviour.

 

I see this is some rather neglectful parents but also in more sheltering ones. It seems to run through the spectrum.

 

But I live and grew up in a smaller community and the idea that it takes a village was and is a foundational idea. It's part of your job as an adult in the community to look out for, inform on and sometimes take to task other people's kids. And I LIKE that idea. After all, they AREN'T simply mine. They live in and contribute to that wider community and their actions and choices affect those beyond our immediate family. They should understand that certain choices have repercussions that extend beyond just Mom and Dad. Perhaps the sheltering in the article in a denial of that role of community.

 

Anyhow, a few thoughts.

[WishboneDawn]

Thanks for mentioning this.

 

I loved reading Reb Bradley's article.

 

Based on the initial article and this comment of yours I've been reading a bit more of his stuff. Thank you! I never would have come across him otherwise or would have dismissed him because of my own stereotypes about more conservative Christians (I'm trying to exorcise them but they have deep claws!). It's wonderful to read his stuff and find not only a lot that I agree with but a lot that intelligently challenges me.

 

Anyhow, I think I :001_wub: him now. :D Thank you to the OP and thank you Colleen!!!

[angela in ohio]

At the time it seemed common sense, but since then we've encountered a number of what I call "if-then" families. IF the father is the "head" of the home, IF the women dress modestly, IF you homeschool using X curriculum, IF the wife doesn't hold down a job too, if....then the kids will all turn out to be wonderful, believing adults who marry wonderful spouses and homeschool wonderful children who...

 

Several of these families in our area have recently had devastating awakenings, and I think it has opened a lot of homeschoolers' eyes around here. Unfortunately, a lot of younger homeschoolers are going too far the other way thinking that that will ensure their success.

 

To me, it doesn't mean that the actions themselves were wrong (and that doing the opposite will prevent failure.) It means that the intentions are more important. Other families are doing the exact same *things*, but they are not having huge (legal, moral) issues with their teens/ young adults. They are doing them for different reasons and with a different relationship with their dc. Just like in educating, it's not the method, it's the relationship.

[stripe]

I don't know if this was a point you were working towards but I see a lot of hostility towards that idea, it takes a village, with some homeschoolers these days. The attitude seems to be that these are my children, all mine, and you as a random stranger have no right to correct my child in public or make a comment to me about my children's behaviour.

I agree. And ultimately, even if you don't want your kid to be influenced by anyone else, we all live together. And we want nice neighbors.

 

I think the idea also includes "everyone is a total idiot except me, so I don't want anyone's advice." That means, no one's advice counts. It's all an unwanted intrusion. Including health advice. Families decide what they should eat! Which really often means -- I don't want anyone telling me not to eat chocolate and potato chips all day long. I have the right to self-destruct. (No, that's not the only thing it means, but unhealthy stuff is usually invoked, not "Keep your government hands off my broccoli-soy soup!")

[G5052]

Other families are doing the exact same *things*, but they are not having huge (legal, moral) issues with their teens/ young adults. They are doing them for different reasons and with a different relationship with their dc. Just like in educating, it's not the method, it's the relationship.

 

I still remember sitting in church, listening to an "if-then" father (who was thankfully infrequently in the pulpit BTW) preach that children who didn't have a father sitting with them in church would never be church-goers in adulthood. Well, DH wasn't with us that day, and he can't attend most Sundays. He's very involved at home spiritually, but I am mostly a single parent in church. Afterwards I did speak to this man, pointing out that the Bible doesn't teach what he said, but I don't think that it changed anything.

 

At a certain point I realized that both my spiritual and family life are about the relationship, PERIOD. Not a bunch of rules.

[Jane in NC]

Several of these families in our area have recently had devastating awakenings, and I think it has opened a lot of homeschoolers' eyes around here. Unfortunately, a lot of younger homeschoolers are going too far the other way thinking that that will ensure their success.

 

 

 

Last spring I had a chat with a parent of younger homeschooled students who felt that the solution to the problem of teens making poor decisions was to keep her children home longer (CC followed by an online degree). I'm not convinced. At some point, we all have to come to terms with the real world and decide how we are going to interact with it.

 

About that real world: not everyone is corrupt obviously. I sometimes wonder if children who are sheltered from the bad miss a lot of the good.

[angela in ohio]

Last spring I had a chat with a parent of younger homeschooled students who felt that the solution to the problem of teens making poor decisions was to keep her children home longer (CC followed by an online degree). I'm not convinced. At some point, we all have to come to terms with the real world and decide how we are going to interact with it.

 

About that real world: not everyone is corrupt obviously. I sometimes wonder if children who are sheltered from the bad miss a lot of the good.

 

Two of the families I mentioned were doing that very thing. They each had a daughter take off with an older (one married) man.

 

I really think a basic understanding of adolescent psychology helps in parenting. When you understand the changing needs of a developing mind, it is easier to make sure you move past the way you parent a young child. If you parent your 18 yo like you parented your 8 yo, you are going to have trouble.

 

I love Reb Bradley. Maybe that is the difference I hear in his talks. He really talks about our children becoming their own people and establishing a relationship with them, and he isn't coming from a place of fear but of wonder.

[LatinTea]

LOL, that's what made me click on this thread in the first place - I wondered what on earth he would have to say about homeschooling blindspots from a parent's perspective! It actually took me a few minutes to figure out that he wasn't the author of the article. :D

I figured out how to edit it! I feel so much better now; that was really bothering me. Kinda like I misspelled something. Now.....did I do the plural right....better go look it up. :001_smile:

[WishboneDawn]

Two of the families I mentioned were doing that very thing. They each had a daughter take off with an older (one married) man.

 

I really think a basic understanding of adolescent psychology helps in parenting. When you understand the changing needs of a developing mind, it is easier to make sure you move past the way you parent a young child. If you parent your 18 yo like you parented your 8 yo, you are going to have trouble.

 

I love Reb Bradley. Maybe that is the difference I hear in his talks. He really talks about our children becoming their own people and establishing a relationship with them, and he isn't coming from a place of fear but of wonder.

 

I was seeing that in all of his articles, one on election results, another on pagan influences in Christian holidays...All of it seemed to be about letting go of fear, trusting in God, and about giving the reader the tools to really think about the issue and come to their own conclusion. I like that guy!

[Beth in SW WA]

Just like in educating, it's not the method, it's the relationship.

 

:iagree:, Angela. Well stated. Relationship trumps methodology every time.

 

At 16, ds is showing obvious signs of leaving the nest. It's healthy and encouraged. Our home is his refuge and sanctuary from the world. But he is spreading his wings, continuing to develop his own sense of self and what he stands for...and will hopefully (by God's grace) be ready emotionally and spiritually for the next chapter of his life.

 

I welcome input and advice from my trusted circle. I listen when teachers, pastors and mentors offer loving feedback into our parenting. I have needed the gentle rebuke many times from those who love me who saw that I was holding on too tight. My uncle warned me when Andrew was 9 that he could foresee trouble if I didn't 'let go' of some of the control. It has been a delicate dance of finding the balance in my own heart & mind regarding my son. We have found the sweet spot. He has the freedoms and privileges of a responsible, healthy -- yet normal -- 16-year-old teen boy. It has been a slow progression towards this new paradigm.

 

Our philosophy from now until graduation is this: We won't be in his college dorm room waking him up, reminding him to do homework, managing finances, etc. So...we have stopped doing that even now. He is a fully responsible young man. Yes, I make his meals, attend every event of his and listen when he is chatty. But I don't do his laundry (haven't since he was 10), wake him up, remind him about meetings, rehearsals, deadlines, study, practices, etc. He wants to thrive and excel on his own. It was a decision we made this year. He is a junior and wants to take ownership of his life.

 

We also don't micromanage his personal habits of style. He is growing his hair long. He will most likely get a tattoo at some point after graduation. He keeps his room a bit more messy than I would prefer. He eats too fast and chooses not to eat the vegetables I prepare. But he is currently a 4.0 honors student, student council Chaplain, school & youth group worship leader, varsity soccer captain, soup-kitchen volunteer, part-time employee at the family business, hilarious story-teller, loving son & big brother -- and all-around great kid beloved by everyone he meets.

 

I have learned not to sweat the small stuff. He will be who he is going to be. We have guided & instructed him -- and still continue to do so at varying degrees. He is a man. Our relationship has changed from less of parent-child to friend-friend. Some may disagree w/ us taking this approach when he is still young. But w/ my 16 year old this is our sweet spot. In 2 years he will most likely be living in another state attending college. I actually love our relationship with him. It feels right. We pray daily for wisdom from God. He is so good. :)

 

Thank you for indulging my tale. This thread has struck a chord with me. Fascinating topic. I love reading how others here have managed their changing roles w/ their dc.

 

ETA: I'm not homeschooling him, so I hope it's ok to share here.

Edited September 15, 2011 by Beth in SW WA

[laughing lioness]

Relationship trumps methodology every time.

 

 

ETA: I'm not homeschooling him, so I hope it's ok to share here.

 

This. Intentional parenting doesn't = suffocating one's kids. We've encountered lots of suffocation over the years. We've asked a couple of our friends (homeschoolers) if they might consider a different methodology of parenting or homeschooling. No. They had a plan. In 2 cases it enede in heartache. We've had lots of mean, ugly statments thrown our way (our kids read fiction, which fiction they are reading, our dd went to Europe alone at 17 "her Dad has given up his resonsiblity as her "head") etc. etc.etc ad neuseum.

Which cracks me up cause our non-Christian relatives think we are over-protective, helicopter parents who are dependent on our kids for a sense of purpose.

I'm not passing any judgement on that family or any other that is following God's call for their lives. I just think and have experienced (and so have my kids) a lot of petty meaness from fellow homeschoolers who KNOW THE WAY (um, excuse me, I thought the way was paved with love AND we've seen a rebellion and lack of really embracing life (mid-20 yo's still at home- no ed, no jobs, etc "waiting" for spouse) in the homeschooling community.

 

It is a difficult balance between nurture and independence. I'm not sure we've gotten it right either.

 

And Beth, of course you can post;)

[LatinTea]

(mid-20 yo's still at home- no ed, no jobs, etc "waiting" for spouse)

Or those who attend a Christian college in order to find a husband. The quest for education is secondary. Literally.

[Colleen in NS]

...we've encountered a number of what I call "if-then" families.

 

:lol:

 

I wonder why it's a revelation to realize that legalism binds and chains instead of sets free.

 

Thanks for explaining.

 

(I'm trying to exorcise them but they have deep claws!).

 

I hear you! (based on past experience of being immersed in that culture for a period of time.)

 

I still remember sitting in church, listening to an "if-then" father (who was thankfully infrequently in the pulpit BTW) preach that children who didn't have a father sitting with them in church would never be church-goers in adulthood.

 

Raising my hand as an exception to this "rule."

 

that was really bothering me. Kinda like I misspelled something.

 

Oh no!! It was a mistake! It was a little tricky at first, even when clicking on the link, to figure out who the author was! :grouphug: Please don't let it bother you.

 

I welcome input and advice from my trusted circle. I listen when teachers, pastors and mentors offer loving feedback into our parenting.

 

Oh Beth, of course it's OK to share here - I see it more as a parenting issue than strictly homeschooling. Besides, you've been hanging out here for a loooooooonnnnnnnggggggg time! I like hearing from you.

 

As to the bolded - I think THAT is key, too. For various reasons, I haven't found it easy to develop a "trusted circle" - people to whom I would really listen to as far as parenting. But I'm getting there.

 

And I'm gaining a lot of golden nuggets from this thread. I <3 you guys!