krwsmum Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 Sorry this got long.... It's our 10 year wedding anniversary in ten days. We never had a honeymoon because I had Visa issues. We have been busy having kids, and other than a two night away to house hunt in NJ, we have never had time away. We rarely go out as a "couple", which has been a sore spot with me...I feel like I need that, for our marriage AND b/c I'm with the girls ALL the time and I need the break. Romance is NOT his middle name, but he was at least a little romantic when we first met. So dh was laid off back in June...we had some $$ in a nest egg, so financially we have been tight, but have survived just fine without going into debt. He started a job making considerably less, but once things pick up, it'll be more like what we are used to. He is asking me to look online for us to take a beach trip in a couple weeks...WITH THE KIDS. His arguement is that he wants a FAMILY vacation (he's been off 3 months, and we have spent the ENTIRE time at the n'hood pool). Frankly, I'm crushed. I know things are tight, but he's willing to spend $$ to rent a condo on the beach for a week-can he not use that $$ for US? 3-4 days somewhere JUST US?! So I thought I'd be quiet, hoping maybe he would plan something...well today I couldn't help myself and asked if he was planning anything, if we would go out for a night (even just an overnight @ a hotel in the city)-and his response was, "Yeah, I was thinking we could use the giftcards we have and go to Longhorn's....is that ok?" SERIOUSLY? That's the best he's got? Of course I was passive and said sure, but ugh...I'm fighting back the tears. gulp. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NotSoObvious Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 Well, I don't know what your relationship with your husband is like, but perhaps it would help if you were just very direct with him. "We need to do xyz because it is very important to me." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie in CA Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 Is it possible that because your dh wasn't super-romantic before, and also because you both *have no experience with planning something like this*, that he just doesn't quite know what to do? :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Girls' Mom Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 I would tell him how you feel, not in a confrontational way. Men are dense sometimes, as my dh would tell you. They need to be told when they are messing up, because sometimes they JUST DON'T KNOW. I could see my dh doing something like that, completely clueless that I would be upset about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 You need to speak up. I've found that for myself this kind of "passive" actually ends up being passive-aggressive because I boil and seethe until I finally let it all out. Then it isn't pretty because dh gets defensive. I would tell him exactly what you said here - you need the time just alone with him because "you need it for your marriage and because you are with the girls all the time and you need the break". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brigitte Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 Perhaps you need to plan the night away. Sometimes it is necessary to make the plans ourselves, if we ever want to get what we need. Men just don't see it like we do and we have to take charge. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dandelion Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 :grouphug: I would feel the same way you do. What would happen if you told your DH exactly what would make YOU feel really special for your anniversary (i.e. where you would like to go out for dinner, how you would really like a night away for just the two of you, etc.)? How about if you just said "I think we need a night away for just the two of us. I've made arrangements with so-and-so to watch the kids on such-and-such a night. Don't worry - I'll take care of the details"? With my DH, I've found that he simply assumes that what sounds good to him will be great for me - unless I tell him otherwise. I've learned to be very explicit when special occasions are coming up (especially those for which I have certain expectations - because I know I won't just be able to brush it off if those expectations aren't met). He responds well to specific direction. ;) Hope you're able to work things out... :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 "Yeah, I was thinking we could use the giftcards we have and go to Longhorn's....is that ok?" SERIOUSLY? That's the best he's got? Of course I was passive and said sure, but ugh...I'm fighting back the tears. gulp. A better answer would have been "No, I want you to take me somewhere great so I can boast to all my girlfriends about you." There's only one thing my hubby likes better than me thinking he's a top bloke, and that's when I tell him that I've told someone else he's a top bloke. :lol: Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JessReplanted Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 You need to speak up and tell the man how you feel. Sometimes our husbands need some help! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyof4ks Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 I agree with the above posters. Be direct and either plan something yourself or tell him what you would like to do. My dh is planning something by himself for the first time in our 13 year marriage, but only because he has seen what I have planned in the past. Maybe he just needs practice. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardening momma Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 (edited) So I thought I'd be quiet, hoping maybe he would plan something...well today I couldn't help myself and asked if he was planning anything, if we would go out for a night (even just an overnight @ a hotel in the city)-and his response was, "Yeah, I was thinking we could use the giftcards we have and go to Longhorn's....is that ok?" SERIOUSLY? That's the best he's got? Of course I was passive and said sure, but ugh...I'm fighting back the tears. gulp. My dh is a bit like that. Especially the idea of going to Longhorn's or something similar (like Outback for Valentine's Day when I had dressed up for dinner out--and not in blue jeans, either). He's not very romantic now, and he was just a bit more romantic before we married (we just passed our 10th year this summer too). Sometimes you have to just come right out and tell him what you want. As we were approaching our 10th anniversary, a few months before, actually, I brought up the subject to him. One of his brothers proposed to his wife in an English castle, the other proposed to his wife on a mountain top. My dh proposed to me at my parents' house. I said, you need to do something romantic like your brothers did when they proposed. So he started thinking about it, and I think was doing well, but then he wanted to combine it with a class reunion (and therefore wherever we went had to be somewhere in that area). :glare: Eh, no. I didn't say that, but thankfully the reunion was too expensive anyway. But we still didn't go anywhere. Because once the semi-thought out plans fell through, it was kinda out of sight, out of mind. We did go out to dinner somewhere. Nothing super special, but we went out. I will have to work on him some more. But I think he needs specific instructions. I might have to pick a place to go. ETA: oh yes, I forgot. Also, like your dh, mine would definitely choose to go somewhere because of the gift cards. In our case, he had a coupon for a free bloomin' onion at Outback. That's why he wanted to go there. Edited August 29, 2011 by gardening momma Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 If you don't speak up, you're asking him to read your mind. Tell him how you feel. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 Tell him how you feel and major on the "I love you so much that I want time just for us" rather than the "I am so hurt that you don't GET this!" He's clueless. Once he gets a taste of time away as a couple, it will probably register as something pretty great and be more on his radar in the future. Also, focus on the good. He loves his family. He's willing to splurge on time with his wife and kids. There are worse things in a man. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigMamaBird Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 You are not stupid. :grouphug: I'm sorry your heart is hurting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parker Martin Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 He almost certainly wants to make you happy. Tell him how to do it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ria Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 Tell him how you feel and major on the "I love you so much that I want time just for us" rather than the "I am so hurt that you don't GET this!" He's clueless. Once he gets a taste of time away as a couple, it will probably register as something pretty great and be more on his radar in the future. Also, focus on the good. He loves his family. He's willing to splurge on time with his wife and kids. There are worse things in a man. ;) Exactly. He is clueless. Tell him how you feel, what you need, and how he can meet your needs. He loves you and wants to please you. He just can't read your mind.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parker Martin Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 Also, focus on the good. He loves his family. He's willing to splurge on time with his wife and kids. There are worse things in a man. :iagree: His actions speak well of him. That's great. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cin Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 Yeah, BTDT. DH and I were discussing some great places for a getaway. I was working on childcare for a 8-10 day vacay. He comes into the room that I was in, and announced the he'd had enough Frequent Flyer Miles for 4 round trip tickets to Orlando. :001_huh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EKS Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 Well, I don't know what your relationship with your husband is like, but perhaps it would help if you were just very direct with him. "We need to do xyz because it is very important to me." :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kristinannie Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 I have found that I can't hint around or mention something once and expect my DH to have a clue. Men are just wired differently. I would sit down with him when you aren't tired and talk about things in a nonconfrontational way. I would say that you have always regretted not taking a honeymoon and that you would love to have a romantic getaway with just him for this big anniversary. I wouldn't be sad until you have a real talk with him. He might surprise you!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
krwsmum Posted August 29, 2011 Author Share Posted August 29, 2011 Thanks everyone-I agree, he is a great husband and father...hands down his family comes first. I guess I am having a pity-party-I know he does want to have time with just "us", but it's just not a priority and I guess that's what hurts. Thanks for all your input-as much as I don't want to have to spell it out, I guess that's what I have to do. I knew I could count on the HIVE :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 I noticed your location.... how about a weekend getaway to Callaway Gardens. They have great packages, and it is beautiful there in the fall. A quick drive and you are there! Affordable, and not too far from home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WishboneDawn Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 Just another view here but you're coming to his idea with a whole bunch of baggage that he likely doesn't have. He doesn't get how important it is to you. Okay, so YOU plan the night out. What's he's likely thinking is that he's had a horrible time where's he's let down his family and here's one thing he can do so to make it up to all of you. That's where his focus is at the moment. Not on the alone time with you or romance but on making things better for the family unit. For the romance, you need to talk to him a lot more, tell him it's something you need (don't frame it as "we need", it may not be a need for him but it IS for you and that's important) and maybe even take the lead. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 Thanks everyone-I agree, he is a great husband and father...hands down his family comes first. I guess I am having a pity-party-I know he does want to have time with just "us", but it's just not a priority and I guess that's what hurts. Thanks for all your input-as much as I don't want to have to spell it out, I guess that's what I have to do. I knew I could count on the HIVE :) It helps to remember that not a single person on here can read minds and we're all wired differently. Otherwise, none of us would need to ask questions about "life" stuff as we'd all understand it and share every single value. Life is just not that way. Your guy loves you and loves your family, and while love can do many things, it can't read minds. You have a script of how you'd like things to work out for your anniversary. It's just an outline, but nonetheless, it's a script. He doesn't have access to your script. It's really not fair to expect him to have it memorized or to help to fill in the outline when you don't share it with him. Many relational "problems" stem from these scripts we all have. The only way two people can make one life work for both is if they share their scripts. Wishing the other spouse (or our kids, parents, friends, etc) had secret access to our script just isn't reality and is terribly unfair to them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 Passive is not cool. It takes two to have an anniversary. And it takes two to have an anniversary celebration. And it takes two to have communication. Seriously, you can't just sit there hoping he'll plan something by himself. Help plan it. You can't just say "okay" and seethe with frustration if he suggests something that was nowhere near what you had in mind. Speak up! Can't you just straight up talk to him? Conversationally, not angrily? "You know, I was thinking, we never had a honeymoon, we've never had a vacation without the kids, a tenth anniversary is a pretty big deal for me- I'd love if we can do a vacation just us, how can we make that happen?" And be prepared to negotiate. "Oh, you don't feel comfortable going without the kids for 3 or four days? No problem, I'd settle for an overnight...it would mean a lot to me. Family time is great, but I'd like some you and me time for our anniversary." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrissySC Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 Sounds like you married my husband's twin, LOL We have been together for 20 years now. You just have to tell this sort of man. They don't think. I don't imagine that it even occurs to them, and it isn't that they don't want to take you out or go somewhere. They just never think about it. So, unless you want to be passive and depressed ... make the plans and surprise him. We are now at the point in our marriage that we want away from everyone! :D He goes on way and I go the other and the kids go to grandma! We have nothing in common anymore - I am geek and he is country. He spends the day at the race, and I spend the day at a techie expo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SailorMom Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 I agree with most of the above - sounds like a reat guy who needs a clue from you ;) Anyway - how about doing both? We've had wonderful trips where we have gone places we have all enjoyed, and have gotten sitters for the kids some of the nights so that we could go to romantic dinners while the kids ate pizza :) There are some great family resorts - and this is a good time to get deals at them. That being said - DH and I have, ever since our 15th anniversary (the first time we could afford it), made an effort to go away alone together at least once every year. It does us a lot of good :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
krwsmum Posted September 7, 2011 Author Share Posted September 7, 2011 Well I took the advice of the wise Hive, and although it did not go "well", IMO I'm fine with it. So fine in fact, that I have written him a little poem to celebrate. It will be sitting on the seat of his car when he leaves for work in the morning. Thanks for your insight and support... :) I can't believe I've been married a decade! A blink of an eye and it'll be 20! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kristinannie Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 Well I took the advice of the wise Hive, and although it did not go "well", IMO I'm fine with it. So fine in fact, that I have written him a little poem to celebrate. It will be sitting on the seat of his car when he leaves for work in the morning. Thanks for your insight and support... :) I can't believe I've been married a decade! A blink of an eye and it'll be 20! Do you care to elaborate? :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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