dancer67 Posted August 15, 2011 Share Posted August 15, 2011 Two years ago(and some might have read) my DH's family and oursleves got into a massive argument while on a family vacation. I did not speak to my DH's two sisters for a long time. Onne SIL we started talking again in December. It is okay, very generic. But at least now, our kids are back together and hanging out. My other SIL, I still had not spoken to. She does not live closeby. She is about 5 states away. She adamantly told me two years ago to never contact her again. When I emailed her a year later she says she is "Not ready to have you back in my life" 20 months ago she had a baby. I had never met him. Only seen pix of him. Unfortunately, my FIL had a mini stroke and a pacemaker put in, so she decided to fly home with her son. My MIL had everyone over her house yesterday. And this was the first time I had seen or spoken to that SIL in two years. It was okay. Very generic. Safe conversations. Didn't seem to strained. I was happy to finally meet my new nephew. Here is the dilemma. The last time she was home, which was about 3 years ago, she had a fit because I didn't invite her over for dinner. At the time, I didnt know she was coming and was gone for the 4 days she was here. Now, she is home again. I only spoke to her at my MIL house. I would like to see my nephew again. And I feel like I am darned if I do, and darned if I dont. If I invite her, she may say "I already told you that I am not ready to have you back in my life right now". If I DONT invite her, I may get a bunch of BS about NOT inviting her. What would you do? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigMamaBird Posted August 15, 2011 Share Posted August 15, 2011 I'd grit my teeth and invite her. Like you said, the worst that will happen is a sharp retort about how she's not ready. The best is a repaired relationship and less emotional strain . . . and a cute little nevvy!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalknot Posted August 15, 2011 Share Posted August 15, 2011 I would like to see my nephew again. I'd invite them, then, caring more about that than I do this: And I feel like I am darned if I do, and darned if I dont. If I invite her, she may say "I already told you that I am not ready to have you back in my life right now". If I DONT invite her, I may get a bunch of BS about NOT inviting her. Lose the "danged if I do, danged if I don't" part of it because that's out of your control. It stinks, but it shouldn't dicate how you approach the situation from your side. You want to see your nephew again, so take the chance and invite them over. If she dismisses the invitation, you've still done all you can from your end and ... in the end, that's all you really can do. I'd risk that rejection for a chance to move forward, especially to regain a relationship with a nephew. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted August 15, 2011 Share Posted August 15, 2011 I'd ask my dh what he wanted. Left up to my own devices, though, I wouldn't invite her. I'm not good at kissing butt, and inviting her so she wouldn't throw a hissy would fit in that category for me. One realization that I've come to over the last few yrs is that if its not really, really important to Wolf or I, I don't bother. Limited amt of energy that would be better spent on the ones in my life that matter than those that don't particularily. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CalicoKat Posted August 15, 2011 Share Posted August 15, 2011 Two years ago(and some might have read) my DH's family and oursleves got into a massive argument while on a family vacation. I did not speak to my DH's two sisters for a long time. Onne SIL we started talking again in December. It is okay, very generic. But at least now, our kids are back together and hanging out. My other SIL, I still had not spoken to. She does not live closeby. She is about 5 states away. She adamantly told me two years ago to never contact her again. When I emailed her a year later she says she is "Not ready to have you back in my life" 20 months ago she had a baby. I had never met him. Only seen pix of him. Unfortunately, my FIL had a mini stroke and a pacemaker put in, so she decided to fly home with her son. My MIL had everyone over her house yesterday. And this was the first time I had seen or spoken to that SIL in two years. It was okay. Very generic. Safe conversations. Didn't seem to strained. I was happy to finally meet my new nephew. Here is the dilemma. The last time she was home, which was about 3 years ago, she had a fit because I didn't invite her over for dinner. At the time, I didnt know she was coming and was gone for the 4 days she was here. Now, she is home again. I only spoke to her at my MIL house. I would like to see my nephew again. And I feel like I am darned if I do, and darned if I dont. If I invite her, she may say "I already told you that I am not ready to have you back in my life right now". If I DONT invite her, I may get a bunch of BS about NOT inviting her. What would you do? Invite her. She'll say no, but it will save you the BS later. IF she says yes, roll with it. Keep conversations light, the time short, and smile a lot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted August 15, 2011 Share Posted August 15, 2011 I'm with eternal knot. I'd invite her only because you said you would like to see your nephew again. So give it a try and see what happens. But don't do it because you're afraid she'll get upset if you do (and upset if you don't etc- that's her problem). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted August 15, 2011 Share Posted August 15, 2011 Yes. I'd invite her. If she says no, so be it. If she says yes, let us (the hive :D) know. We'll send positive thoughts! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twoforjoy Posted August 15, 2011 Share Posted August 15, 2011 Yes. I'd invite her. If she says no, so be it. If she says yes, let us (the hive :D) know. We'll send positive thoughts! :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jjins Posted August 15, 2011 Share Posted August 15, 2011 I would have a dinner with other extended family members too. Makes it harder for her to say no, makes it easier for you two to be together. Helps to build the bridge, so that you can continue to see your nephew. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Rat Posted August 15, 2011 Share Posted August 15, 2011 Invite her. In situations like these, I usually go for the option that shows I tried. As an aside, at least your SIL tells you she doesn't want you in your life. My SIL just refused to take our phone calls or return them. That was 6 years ago and we still don't know what happened or what we did. And she lives 30 minutes away. :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted August 15, 2011 Share Posted August 15, 2011 another thought --- (Hold my beer! I have an idea!) Does it have to be dinner? Can it be dessert and coffee? Or snacks and drinks? Something simpler & shorter than dinner? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arghmatey Posted August 15, 2011 Share Posted August 15, 2011 Yes. Unless she is toxic, I'd continue to welcome her. Sounds as if she will probably say no anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissel Posted August 15, 2011 Share Posted August 15, 2011 Invite her. She'll say no, but it will save you the BS later. IF she says yes, roll with it. Keep conversations light, the time short, and smile a lot. :iagree: This sums up my thoughts perfectly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted August 15, 2011 Share Posted August 15, 2011 I would have a dinner with other extended family members too. Makes it harder for her to say no, makes it easier for you two to be together. Helps to build the bridge, so that you can continue to see your nephew. :grouphug: Oh, good idea. And also, all the other family members will know you made the invitation and she can't play it back on you later. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama Geek Posted August 15, 2011 Share Posted August 15, 2011 I'd ask my dh what he wanted. Left up to my own devices, though, I wouldn't invite her. I'm not good at kissing butt, and inviting her so she wouldn't throw a hissy would fit in that category for me. One realization that I've come to over the last few yrs is that if its not really, really important to Wolf or I, I don't bother. Limited amt of energy that would be better spent on the ones in my life that matter than those that don't particularily. :iagree: with Imp on this one. What does your dh want to do? It is his sister. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted August 15, 2011 Share Posted August 15, 2011 Yes. I'd invite her. If she says no, so be it. If she says yes, let us (the hive :D) know. We'll send positive thoughts! :iagree: And, I want to add, that you're a kind, lovely person for making such an effort. You deserve a new dress or at least a pedicure!!! Alley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denise in Florida Posted August 15, 2011 Share Posted August 15, 2011 Yes I would invite her. Her response is her responsibility. You are only responsible for issuing the invitation. If it possible to reach a cool but cordial relationship now it will help tremendously in the future. I assume your FIL and MIL will appreciate less tension at this time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renthead Mommy Posted August 15, 2011 Share Posted August 15, 2011 I'd invite her and MIL/FIL out for dinner. Just go to a diner or something simple/low key. She's more likely to behave (you'd hope) out in public. Plus you'll feel less scrutinized by her if you aren't home. She can't critizce your home or your cooking or hospitality if you aren't home. She can only pick on the place. So you may want to not make it your favorite/regular place, so if she does make comments or anything, you won't be embarressed to go back. Someplace quiet enough you can talk, so not places like Friday's or something. Then no matter what happens, you can say (especially to your MIL) 'well we tried'. If all esle fails, tell her she really needs to relax and you know a great couple with a cabin in the woods with a sauna you can hook her up with! Maybe she needs a good steam and good 'swing'! :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dancer67 Posted August 15, 2011 Author Share Posted August 15, 2011 We had a big family get together at my mil house yesterday. I don't thin we will be having another family gathering. That is the first time we spoke and saw each other in two years. Whoever mentioned instead of a dinner invite, that is a good idea.. maybe just for coffee. My dh does not care one way or another. He never really talked to his sister it was always me. So I am going to call her later today and extend the invite. I will let all of u know how it goes.typing from my phone so I apologize for any spelling or grammar oopsies. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChiMomNP Posted August 15, 2011 Share Posted August 15, 2011 How about a quick lunch or early dinner out? I'd invite her out to lunch or dinner. Pick up the tab, smile a lot, make "cocktail" talk, and then go home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In The Great White North Posted August 15, 2011 Share Posted August 15, 2011 I would have a dinner with other extended family members too. Makes it harder for her to say no, makes it easier for you two to be together. Helps to build the bridge, so that you can continue to see your nephew. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChristusG Posted August 15, 2011 Share Posted August 15, 2011 I'm not sure, as I would have my DH handling all of this since it's his sister. Actually DH is in a "disagreement" with his sister right now and they are currently not really speaking to each other. It's his deal, not mine since I'm not close with his SIL anyways (we are polar opposites). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted August 15, 2011 Share Posted August 15, 2011 If dh doesn't care, neither would I. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted August 15, 2011 Share Posted August 15, 2011 I guess I'm the only one who would say "no". I would call the dinner at MIL's "good" as a first overture into just normal politeness. I would not stress the already fragile relationship with another try. And just like others said that you can't control her reactions to a dinner invite, you can't control her reactions to not being invited either.;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted August 15, 2011 Share Posted August 15, 2011 I guess I'm the only one who would say "no". I would call the dinner at MIL's "good" as a first overture into just normal politeness. I would not stress the already fragile relationship with another try. And just like others said that you can't control her reactions to a dinner invite, you can't control her reactions to not being invited either.;) Nope, I said I wouldn't unless it was important to dh. :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PiCO Posted August 15, 2011 Share Posted August 15, 2011 My other SIL, I still had not spoken to. She does not live closeby. She is about 5 states away. She adamantly told me two years ago to never contact her again. When I emailed her a year later she says she is "Not ready to have you back in my life" If I wanted to see my nephew, I would say- I would love to have you & your family over for dinner, if you're ready to have me back in your life now. If not, I understand... Then leave it in her court. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted August 15, 2011 Share Posted August 15, 2011 It depends on if you really care to have any kind of relationship with her. If you do hope to make up, it would be good to extend that olive branch again. If you don't care, then it won't matter if she fusses. I am sure you want to know your nephew, but unfortunately he is and will always be attached to her. You would have to deal with her. So you need to decide how important the relationship is at all. I am not asking what the fight was about, but to go that long without talking says a lot. It doesn't sound like a person I want to try to become attached to again. But that's just me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted August 15, 2011 Share Posted August 15, 2011 I guess I'm the only one who would say "no". I would call the dinner at MIL's "good" as a first overture into just normal politeness. I would not stress the already fragile relationship with another try. And just like others said that you can't control her reactions to a dinner invite, you can't control her reactions to not being invited either.;) :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassenach Posted August 15, 2011 Share Posted August 15, 2011 Do you want her back in your life? If you do, then invite her. If you don't, then don't. How she responds is out of your control. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChandlerMom Posted August 15, 2011 Share Posted August 15, 2011 If I wanted to see my nephew, I would say- I would love to have you & your family over for dinner, if you're ready to have me back in your life now. If not, I understand... Then leave it in her court. Yeah, but I'd leave out the, "if you're ready to have me back in your life now" part. That SOUNDS pretty passive-agressive to me. :tongue_smilie: Better not to refer to the past AT ALL. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pretty in Pink Posted August 15, 2011 Share Posted August 15, 2011 The worst that she can do is say no. What have you got to lose? Call her, or have dh call her, and issue the invite. Perhaps you could invite both SILs if you think that would make her feel more comfortable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetBean Posted August 15, 2011 Share Posted August 15, 2011 w I would have a dinner with other extended family members too. Makes it harder for her to say no, makes it easier for you two to be together. Helps to build the bridge, so that you can continue to see your nephew. :grouphug: :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dancer67 Posted August 16, 2011 Author Share Posted August 16, 2011 Well I called. She is staying with my other SIL for this week. She said she had a very busy week planned but would see if she could get over here on Wed. If not, maybe I could just stop by over there and see my nephew. She wasn't rude about it. But you could tell if it wasn't for my nephew, we would not be speaking. Sad really. Thanks for all the advice. At least I put it out there. Ball is in her court now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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