I think I lost one of my best friends...

[lovelaughs_times_three]

We met 4 1/2 years ago when my ds was in pre-school with one of her sons. Our friendship has been strong ever since. It has been constant through me quitting that school and going to homeschooling. Then, she also homeschooled for a little over a year. We were even closer. This past Christmas, she quit homeschooling and put her kids back in private school. We have laughed and shared. She has called me more often than I like to talk on the phone (sometimes 3 X a day!), but I always enjoyed our conversations. I've seen her faults, she's seen mine. I thought we'd be friends for a long time. She is definitely more the talker in our relationship, I was more often the listener. She is really funny and often made me laugh. She is younger than me and sometimes I could see that. The way she seemed to react to others sometimes mystified me.:confused: I would sometimes think her expectations on people were too high and she would "go off" about so-and-so and how she felt they wronged her. So perhaps I should not be surprised at the latest .... but I am....

 

I posted about a situation that happened between us a couple weeks ago. I know the posts fly by here :001_smile: so here's the link (if you are sweet enough to be that interested! - I have to admit - it feels odd to think someone who does not know me would want to take enough time to read all of this!!! In fact, I avoided posting this because I didn't want to seem like a "whiner" but I finally decided - even if no one reads it, it will somehow be cathartic to put it all down.)

 

Here's the link:

http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=281489

 

After that fiasco, my friend did not call me for a WEEK! (to put that in perspective, she is a call-almost-everyday-sometimes-twice-a-day kind of friend). I kept thinking that she'd call any minute and say she was so sorry for leaving me like that. When she did call, a week later, she just started talking like nothing had happened. I wanted to be honest with her (we've always been honest) and admit that it had bothered me what had happened at Chuck E. Cheese, and even more it had bothered me that she had never called.

She went into what I'd call a "melt-down" mode. She started crying and basically acting like she couldn't believe I was doing this to her. :confused: huh? :confused:. She said that she "just can't handle this right now" She said "I'M SORRY!" but it was in such a hostile, sarcastic tone that it sounded more like "Well, I'm sorry you are being such a jerk to me!!!!!!!!!" (It's hard to type out "tone". Do you know what I mean? It was not even NEAR a sincere apology). I tried to explain that I really do understand, that I have been late more than once in my life, that I get how hard things have been for her lately. I just wanted to feel like my feelings mattered. Even on some small level. If she, at any point in this, had just said, "Wow! I am so sorry I left you hanging like that! That must have been frustrating!" All would have been forgiven....INSTANTLY! I really do have compassion for her. She's been going through some things that have been hard for her. I just don't want to feel though like that means it doesn't matter how you treat me. Does that make sense?

Anyway, she never quit melting down on me over the phone and she all but hung up on me. I don't mean she slammed the phone down or anything, but she got off the phone quickly saying she "just can't handle this" etc. Kind of like "here I need a friend and you are just being mean to me...."

I honestly thought it was just a bad day, that she'd think it over and call me the next day...

It's been 4 days now. Every day hurts. My head is spinning. I just don't get this. I am so incredibly sad AND confused. I keep doubting myself. Did I do something wrong? How could such a long-time friend seem to just "throw me away" just to keep from having to apologize? I know it sounds pathetic to say, but I keep feeling like - "was I not worth more as a friend than this?" :001_huh:

 

Thanks for anyone who has been so nice to actually take the time to bear through the sadness of someone you don't know.

I've taken so much comfort from these boards lately. It's kind of like I'm hanging out with new friends.

 

Thanks for listening....

[JudoMom]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I know how painful it is to lose a best friend, and I'm so sorry you're experiencing this.

[LaxMom]

:grouphug: I've been there. It's not easy. And, frankly, I don't know whether it was more traumatic to lose a friend or to discover I'd acted like a complete doormat to a demanding, hostile person.

[*Inna*]

:grouphug:

[mom4him]

We met 4 1/2 years ago when my ds was in pre-school with one of her sons. Our friendship has been strong ever since. It has been constant through me quitting that school and going to homeschooling. Then, she also homeschooled for a little over a year. We were even closer. This past Christmas, she quit homeschooling and put her kids back in private school. We have laughed and shared. She has called me more often than I like to talk on the phone (sometimes 3 X a day!), but I always enjoyed our conversations. I've seen her faults, she's seen mine. I thought we'd be friends for a long time. She is definitely more the talker in our relationship, I was more often the listener. She is really funny and often made me laugh. She is younger than me and sometimes I could see that. The way she seemed to react to others sometimes mystified me.:confused: I would sometimes think her expectations on people were too high and she would "go off" about so-and-so and how she felt they wronged her. So perhaps I should not be surprised at the latest .... but I am....

 

I posted about a situation that happened between us a couple weeks ago. I know the posts fly by here :001_smile: so here's the link (if you are sweet enough to be that interested! - I have to admit - it feels odd to think someone who does not know me would want to take enough time to read all of this!!! In fact, I avoided posting this because I didn't want to seem like a "whiner" but I finally decided - even if no one reads it, it will somehow be cathartic to put it all down.)

 

Here's the link:

http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=281489

 

After that fiasco, my friend did not call me for a WEEK! (to put that in perspective, she is a call-almost-everyday-sometimes-twice-a-day kind of friend). I kept thinking that she'd call any minute and say she was so sorry for leaving me like that. When she did call, a week later, she just started talking like nothing had happened. I wanted to be honest with her (we've always been honest) and admit that it had bothered me what had happened at Chuck E. Cheese, and even more it had bothered me that she had never called.

She went into what I'd call a "melt-down" mode. She started crying and basically acting like she couldn't believe I was doing this to her. :confused: huh? :confused:. She said that she "just can't handle this right now" She said "I'M SORRY!" but it was in such a hostile, sarcastic tone that it sounded more like "Well, I'm sorry you are being such a jerk to me!!!!!!!!!" (It's hard to type out "tone". Do you know what I mean? It was not even NEAR a sincere apology). I tried to explain that I really do understand, that I have been late more than once in my life, that I get how hard things have been for her lately. I just wanted to feel like my feelings mattered. Even on some small level. If she, at any point in this, had just said, "Wow! I am so sorry I left you hanging like that! That must have been frustrating!" All would have been forgiven....INSTANTLY! I really do have compassion for her. She's been going through some things that have been hard for her. I just don't want to feel though like that means it doesn't matter how you treat me. Does that make sense?

Anyway, she never quit melting down on me over the phone and she all but hung up on me. I don't mean she slammed the phone down or anything, but she got off the phone quickly saying she "just can't handle this" etc. Kind of like "here I need a friend and you are just being mean to me...."

I honestly thought it was just a bad day, that she'd think it over and call me the next day...

It's been 4 days now. Every day hurts. My head is spinning. I just don't get this. I am so incredibly sad AND confused. I keep doubting myself. Did I do something wrong? How could such a long-time friend seem to just "throw me away" just to keep from having to apologize? I know it sounds pathetic to say, but I keep feeling like - "was I not worth more as a friend than this?" :001_huh:

 

Thanks for anyone who has been so nice to actually take the time to bear through the sadness of someone you don't know.

I've taken so much comfort from these boards lately. It's kind of like I'm hanging out with new friends.

 

Thanks for listening....

:grouphug: I am so sorry for what you are going through. BTDT, different scene but same out come. It still hurts 4 yrs later. I have moved on though and that is what I would advice you to do asap. Forgive and go on.:grouphug:

[ma23peas]

I think as I get older, I get a lot less fluffy with responding to posts like these...I can bet by the time I'm 80, I'll be the straightest shooter around and a bit on the blunt/who cares side!! EEK!

 

I think you're overly sensitive. There, I said it..in the past I would have gingerly walked around it trying to say that hoping not to offend anyone.

 

I think you're both overly sensitive. She has age to fall back on and the fact she's 'going' through a lot.

 

I hope that in 2-3 weeks, both of you will show some grace towards the other...people will always be rude and inconsiderate...you can let them know your limits..sounds like you have let things slide all too often and not asserted yourself...which can be kind and/or can lead to instances like these where you just won't take it anymore and let it out a bit. You see the results...you haven't lost a friend, you're just learning more skills on how to be a better friend....

 

Make some loaves of bread and take her some, just because, don't let things build...let go of the little hills and valleys that come and focus on the part of the friendship that builds you both up...when that stops to exist, it either needs a break or you move on for good. I have found that all true friends come back around and let go of small stuff like this.

[amy g.]

I'm very sorry that you are hurting. On the other hand your friend sounds like a real user.

 

I'd brush the dust off of my feet walking away from her.

[chickenpatty]

I understand, too. Not too long ago I experienced something similar. It still hurts, but I am slowly feeling better. (((hugs))) to you.

[5LittleMonkeys]

Oh I'm so sorry. I hope that she calms\settles down and realizes that she doesn't want to loose you as a friend. I have no advice but here are a bunch of these :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:.

[kalanamak]

I have no idea if this applies, and I first heard it in regards to romantic relationships, but I find it to be some of the truest words I've ever heard: the more garbage you put up with in a relationship, the bitterer you are when it ends.

 

Just a thought. (And of course, once the bitter ends, many are relieved ... but I have known people who are bitter years and years later.)

[myfunnybunch]

May I very gently ask why you don't call her?

 

If you call, she might be a pill....and you can decide whether the friendship is worth pursuing, then let it go if it feels like it's time.

 

If you call, she might feel like her feelings matter to you (because I can tell that they do, even though she's been dramatic and rude)...and maybe the fence can be mended.

 

I don't think you've done anything wrong. :grouphug: It should be ok to let a friend know how you feel about being left in the lurch. But the reason I'm asking (and in a very kind way, truly) is because I find myself wondering if she's also sitting by her phone wondering why you don't call. If you call, either way you'll have made an effort to repair the friendship instead of waiting for her to decide.

 

:grouphug: I'm sorry this is happening.

 

Cat

[Tree House Academy]

I totally understand. I lost a friend recently - very close friend and very unexpectedly. In the end, my feelings didn't matter at all to her and I realized that. If this friend means a lot to you and the line has not been clearly drawn in the sand, then give her a call and try to talk it out with her. Maybe even tell her what the other friend told you (that she wasn't even planning to come) and ask her why she told you she was on her way (and, of course, never came). Tell her you just don't understand it all. There are two sides to every story.

 

And please know that, if the friendship does end, then it is not the end of the world. Life will go on for both of you. If you still feel you are in the right and she didn't care about your feelings, was she truly a friend to begin with? Probably not. :( Unfortunately, there are a lot of people out there who care more about telling you about their lives than truly giving a rats about yours. I think friendship has to be mutual respect, understanding, and caring...and when that is one sided, it just isn't really friendship - no matter how much you want it to be.

*hugs*

Edited June 19, 2011 by Tree House Academy

[Alicia64]

:grouphug: I've been there. It's not easy. And, frankly, I don't know whether it was more traumatic to lose a friend or to discover I'd acted like a complete doormat to a demanding, hostile person.

 

This is exactly me. I feel like such an idiot for putting up w/ a hostile, truly "out there" person. Dh looks at me like, "don't give her another thought. But it's hard when you've been close to a friend.

 

It's hard to just have it "turn" like this.

 

My answer: I acted like a complete doormat to a hostile person.

 

My last thoughts: her poor kids! (And do you really eat Chuck E. Cheese pizza??) :001_smile:

 

:grouphug: to all of us.

 

Alley

[Tree House Academy]

I would assume she has something stressful going on in her life that she is not wanting to share. Every time someone has acted this way to me, it has come out that something is not ok for them and they are taking it out on whoever is around.

 

People also turn very "inward" and start to consider only their feelings or their side when something big is happening in their lives. It is often a time when it is hard to see or even care about anyone's feelings but their own. I have lost very few friendships in my life due to a disagreement or "falling out" - 2 to be exact - and both were at times when the other person was going through something major and thought that gave them permission to disregard my feelings entirely.

[eewaggie99]

If you've been friends for a long time and you care to continue the relationship, I would just let it rest for awhile. My friends and family have acted like this before; I know I have as well. There may be more going on in her life that she's not ready to talk about, but she's acting out her emotional turmoil.

 

However, if she's always acted this way, this may be the last straw and you should let her go. Life's too short to suffer bad friendships.

[lovelaughs_times_three]

Hmmm....trying to think through this as I read the advice. First of all, thanks SO MUCH for the :grouphug:s and advice! The empathy really helps! It is always nice when you feel like someone else "gets it"!

 

One poster said that I was oversensitive. I admit, that stung a bit, but maybe she's right! ;) I think she had good points. I have been a bit pouty about it! ;)

 

Several talked about forgiving and moving on. Many talked about calling her. I think that is excellent advice. I think I would have suggested the same thing. So, I'm trying to ask myself...why haven't I?

 

Hmmm.....I'll post more as I figure it out...

[Coffeemama]

:grouphug: i know how you feel...i am slowly getting over the loss of a friend who was an "every day caller". It sucks.

[lovelaughs_times_three]

I think maybe the reason I haven't decided how to handle this is because I am re-evaluating the friendship as a whole. But I didn't realize that until you all talked to me about it! :001_smile:

I think this one incident has actually helped me realize that the friendship has been increasingly one-sided for a while now. My friend is truly going through some hard things in life, and she is definitely under stress. But at the same time, she has been really self-focused through it. I don't mean just with me. Maybe this one thing upset me because it represented more than a year of similar, but more subtle incidents?

 

Still thinking through the above, but I have a question for those who feel that I should simply call her, bring her some bread, make ammends...

How do I do this without sending her the message that it is okay how I was treated? She has the kind of personality that happily plows through life and doesn't always see the effects of what she does. I feel like if I reach out to her that she'll just take it and think "Yes! I knew I was right! She should have never asked me to consider her feelings! I am the one with feelings! And only my feelings matter!" I feel like I'm just setting myself up for it to happen again.

[Mona100]

Early last year, I had a bad time of it (mental health wise, in fact the worse it can be if you catch my drift). My best friend at the time was helpful to me but to a point. When I couldn't answer her questions or explain myself properly, she sent a one word email "done". I gave her a couple of weeks of cooling off because I could understand being mad at me. But after that I tried reconnecting and it didn't happen. She truly was done. We work at the same place and it was very very difficult for me to be at work with her around until she went part time. In fact, she worked earlier this week and I don't think we even looked at each other.

 

Anyways, it is very sad to lose a friend who you thought was going to be around for the long haul. You do need to call if you haven't already. It sounds like she does all the calling and I know that for me that is a big sign the person doesn't want to talk to me if I am the one always calling. It's ok to call and continue like everything is ok and then when it is calmer on her end, be honest and tell her how you feel.

[Impish]

SpecialMama's my best friend.

 

She does more of the calling...simply b/c I'm available 98.9% of the time. She has errands, appts, a whole lot on her plate. When she has some free time, she calls, and that works for us. I'm one of those weirdos that won't call a cell unless its urgent.

 

My schedule is just a lot more fluid. Has nothing to do with wanting to talk, or valuing her friendship, but respecting her schedule.

 

Taking inventory isn't a bad thing. Sometimes there just is a time when done is done. Everyone has limits to what they can deal with. If you've reached yours, then that's how it is.

[lovelaughs_times_three]

SpecialMama's my best friend.

 

 

 

Did you meet through these forums? If so, that's pretty cool! :D

[Trish]

I read your whole story including the previous link. First, hugs to you, because it's SO difficult to lose a friend. Especially when you have shared so much. It seems she is the one who has behaved badly, and has somehow found a way to turn it around and blame YOU. Hard to take, especially when you are willing to forgive! (sheesh. Not even a crumb of remorse from her?)

 

I think you're a good friend. You're a better friend than she deserves. It's very difficult to let go of someone that we're used to having in our lives, and who brings a lot of positives. But...you deserve a better friend who doesn't Make All Kinds of Crazy and then accuses you of being the Manufacturer.

 

If this friendship dies, you need to look at it as something meant to happen, because you do deserve better. If she manages to return to your life, I hope you'll keep a bit of distance, or at least not invest a lot of emotional energy in her, because she can't be trusted to be a true friend any longer.

 

No, you're not crazy. But it does hurt anyway. I think we've all been through it. Why I can still think of a few that hurt to this day! I always pray for ex-friends. Whenever you do that, good things come double to you! Good luck. And thanks for sharing.

 

:grouphug:

[Impish]

Did you meet through these forums? If so, that's pretty cool! :D

No, she introduced me to them though.

 

We actually met through a hsing board for our city.

[kwg]

How do I do this without sending her the message that it is okay how I was treated?

 

I would just not let it happen again...more of a promise to myself then mention it to her again. And I would limit how many times a day I was available to talk from now on. When I had a friend like this I did not realize how draining it was until she stopped for a while- and it took a few weeks. But I did have to set the boundary. :grouphug:

[Tree House Academy]

I think maybe the reason I haven't decided how to handle this is because I am re-evaluating the friendship as a whole. But I didn't realize that until you all talked to me about it! :001_smile:

I think this one incident has actually helped me realize that the friendship has been increasingly one-sided for a while now. My friend is truly going through some hard things in life, and she is definitely under stress. But at the same time, she has been really self-focused through it. I don't mean just with me. Maybe this one thing upset me because it represented more than a year of similar, but more subtle incidents?

 

Still thinking through the above, but I have a question for those who feel that I should simply call her, bring her some bread, make ammends...

How do I do this without sending her the message that it is okay how I was treated? She has the kind of personality that happily plows through life and doesn't always see the effects of what she does. I feel like if I reach out to her that she'll just take it and think "Yes! I knew I was right! She should have never asked me to consider her feelings! I am the one with feelings! And only my feelings matter!" I feel like I'm just setting myself up for it to happen again.

 

I have two best friends. These are friend that I have had since I was 12 years old and they truly have been there through everything. We have had ups and downs - times of not talking and times of talking daily. No matter what, they know I am there for them and they are there for me. Those are two friends I never have to worry about losing, ever. We have lived next door to each other at times and thousands of miles from each other at times, but we are always friends. :)

 

I say that because I think there is really a difference. I have several good friends here where I live now...but they are friends that, if they ever moved away, we may or may not keep in touch. Maybe we would facebook or something...maybe visit once in a blue moon, etc.

 

I think it is absolutely OK to re-evaluate the latter types of friendships. The biggest thing for me is deciding whether or not that friend adds value..or DRAMA..to my life. I want a positive friendship or none at all. Why bring negative, demanding people into my life by choice? There are enough of those to deal with from a distance!

 

My prayers are with you as you trudge through this. I know it can be hurtful to go through. In the end, though, if she is causing more hurt in your life than joy, then cutting ties may be the best thing for both of you. *hugs*

[mom2denj]

I know that this is not a very sympathetic answer, but I do not think that she is worth your time or worry. If I were you I would just move on. Friends just do not treat friends like that, no matter what they are going through.:grouphug:

[Stacy in NJ]

Ask yourself why this friendship is important to you. Is it because you value her as a person, respect her opinion, and find that she helps you be a better you? Or, is this a "fair-weather friendship"? If it's the latter, it's time to move on.

 

If she's important to you as a friend, make a gesture - give her a small gift, do her a favor, call her to tell her you care about her. She sounds immature, but, then, most of us were at some point in our lives. Give her the benefit of the doubt and some grace. Don't dwell on who's right and/or wrong in the situation, just move on.

 

If you have serious reservations about her character then it's probably time to drop the friendship.

 

 

 

Make some loaves of bread and take her some, just because, don't let things build...let go of the little hills and valleys that come and focus on the part of the friendship that builds you both up...when that stops to exist, it either needs a break or you move on for good. I have found that all true friends come back around and let go of small stuff like this.

[ayden]

:grouphug: I've been there. It's not easy. And, frankly, I don't know whether it was more traumatic to lose a friend or to discover I'd acted like a complete doormat to a demanding, hostile person.

:iagree:

I'm going through it right now as well. :grouphug:

[Nature]

:grouphug:

[Sparkle]

If it were me, I'd just step back from the friendship for awhile. It sounds like she has some personal stuff going on that is nothing to do with you, but you're on the fallout end of it. I think I'd wait a few weeks or so (unless she calls you first) and then give her a call and just see what's up. But I would definitely be wary of letting her treat you like that again. The whole Chuck E. Cheese thing would have bothered me. I'd let something like that happen once but not twice, because that really is disrespectful.

[lovelaughs_times_three]

I guess I'm only thinking of the Chuck E Cheese thing. That in and of itself isn't a big enough reason to me. Don't get me wrong, I hate Chuck E Cheese and the thought of being stood up and enduring the place makes my skin crawl. But really I think there could be a somewhat reasonable explanation or I'd chalk it up to her having a really bad day or something.

 

But if you say there are other reasons, I can only imagine what those are. Maybe you just don't want to be friends with her anymore.

 

I had a friendship that fizzled out about a year ago. It was a lot that our lives didn't mesh much anymore (her kids were in school and she was hyper-focused on that and I homeschool and I'm hyper-focused on that). Then to top that off she was having a lot of problems with her spouse. It was kind of putting a strain on things for me because she complained a lot about him (I mean calling me up telling me the same stories over and over again). I always listened. I tried to suggest things. Despite her complaints she would never do anything about the situation. I'd go over there and he would be there and I'd feel weird after hearing what a controlling jerk he was. Not that I ran away because she was having problems, but it was a combination of things. It wasn't, however, anything in particular that she did to me. I imagine if the Chuck E Cheese thing happened I might see that as an out in the friendship. Are you perhaps feeling that way?

 

This is it. You spelled out my feelings very well. I think I've come to the conclusion that I've been sensing, for awhile, that the friendship was changing. Really because my friend has been changing. The Chuck E. Cheese incident and the way she responded after it was just something I could finally hang my hat on and say "there. That is a clearer example of an underlying feeling I've had about this friendship for awhile."

She used to be a positive, happy person. We'd both have our bad days, we'd see each other through. But for the past year to year and a half, she has changed. She has become negative. She had become very self-focused. She complains constantly about her husband, kids, other people...

I feel like she only sees me now as a resource. Someone to vent to and someone to watch her kids for her. Not someone she values for who I am inside. If that makes any sense.

[WTMCassandra]

I read your whole story including the previous link. First, hugs to you, because it's SO difficult to lose a friend. Especially when you have shared so much. It seems she is the one who has behaved badly, and has somehow found a way to turn it around and blame YOU. Hard to take, especially when you are willing to forgive! (sheesh. Not even a crumb of remorse from her?)

 

I think you're a good friend. You're a better friend than she deserves. It's very difficult to let go of someone that we're used to having in our lives, and who brings a lot of positives. But...you deserve a better friend who doesn't Make All Kinds of Crazy and then accuses you of being the Manufacturer.

 

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[Ester Maria]

My friend is truly going through some hard things in life, and she is definitely under stress. But at the same time, she has been really self-focused through it. I don't mean just with me. Maybe this one thing upset me because it represented more than a year of similar, but more subtle incidents?

Be careful not to read into your past relationship - many times when we feel hurt or people do us wrong, we suddenly become "aware" of all the things that had not been "okay" for a while... but many times it is just a selective memory at that moment, and not a good thing to dwell on.

 

How important this friendship is to you? I can swallow a lot of things from people who really matter to me, and to whom I really matter, even if we can go through entire periods (weeks, months, I can even picture years in extreme cases) of less than smooth relationship, or one side being too self-focused due to personal issues or just needing some space, etc. But sometimes, some people who are more acquaintances for chit-chat than actual friends are better removed from your life, or seriously "dosed", if they bring negativity and drama into your life. Only you can say where she belongs.

Still thinking through the above, but I have a question for those who feel that I should simply call her, bring her some bread, make ammends...

How do I do this without sending her the message that it is okay how I was treated? She has the kind of personality that happily plows through life and doesn't always see the effects of what she does. I feel like if I reach out to her that she'll just take it and think "Yes! I knew I was right! She should have never asked me to consider her feelings! I am the one with feelings! And only my feelings matter!" I feel like I'm just setting myself up for it to happen again.

Personally, if we are talking about a serious friendship, I would not be concerned about this at this point, but about checking what is going on with her - minor issues are easily looked over, for convenience, right now. I would probably not even discuss it, just be genuinely interested in what is wrong with her and treat it like a situation in which she needs me. Then later, when an opportunity arises and the other side is receptive, all these things which bug you can be honestly discussed. But like I said, only if this friendship is serious.

[lovelaughs_times_three]

Thank you, thank you, thank you to ALL of you! All of your opinions and thoughts have truly helped me clear my head! REALLY! I am honestly blown away by how much you all have helped.

 

Here's the conclusion I have come to. I realized that I was sitting around, waiting for her to decide how this friendship was going. I also realized I do that way toooo much in life. I needed to take the initiative.

 

I am planning on making her a dinner. I will bring it to her house and leave it as a surprise for her. It will have a note that says, "I love you. I hope things get better for you soon." I do want her to know that I care for her.

 

I will still be her friend. But I will not trust her with my heart. I will be more limiting on the friendship. I will be friendly and caring, but I will limit how much we do together. I will not just be the :bigear:s for her negative feelings. I will not just be the babysitter. I will talk on the phone for short spurts, but not the long, drawn out, counseling like sessions it has become. I don't mind being that for a friend - you all have CERTAINLY been that for me tonight. (thanks!:D) But I think she has been showing me, over a long period of time now, that she can't fully be trusted. I have suspected lying to me before, this is just the first time I feel like there's "proof." I feel like she manipulates me with charm or with sob-stories when she wants me to do something for her. I feel like she has become too self-centered lately for her own good. It's almost like I've become an "enabler."

 

I still love her and I always will. I have fond memories of when our friendship was more healthy. Perhaps, with time, I will see that I can trust her again.

 

As another poster put it, there are different kinds of friends. There are the ones you enjoy and hang out with and laugh with when you see them. Then there are the special ones that you trust on a deeper level, and share more with them, and trust them with your heart. I think it is time for me to move our friendship back to the more shallow waters.

Thanks for helping me to see that I need to do something here, and not just wait. Thanks for re-assuring me that I did not do something wrong, and that I did not deserve that treatment.

 

I feel empowered.....ta-da-da-dunt-da-da!!!!! :hat: (where's a super-man smilie when you need one? :D)

[Harriet Vane]

:grouphug: I've been there. It's not easy. And, frankly, I don't know whether it was more traumatic to lose a friend or to discover I'd acted like a complete doormat to a demanding, hostile person.

 

Me too. It still hurts two years later.

[lovelaughs_times_three]

Be careful not to read into your past relationship - many times when we feel hurt or people do us wrong, we suddenly become "aware" of all the things that had not been "okay" for a while... but many times it is just a selective memory at that moment, and not a good thing to dwell on.

 

 

That's a very good point. Thanks! :D

[Tree House Academy]

I am glad you have come to a conclusion that makes you feel good inside and one that doesn't make you feel like a doormat. I agree that taking precautions and moving, like you said, "back to more shallow waters" is probably best right now. Make sure you set boundaries for her and don't allow yourself to be trampled just because her life is having its ups and downs.

[lovelaughs_times_three]

Thanks, Rebecca! You've been great! :001_smile:

[Tree House Academy]

Be careful not to read into your past relationship - many times when we feel hurt or people do us wrong, we suddenly become "aware" of all the things that had not been "okay" for a while... but many times it is just a selective memory at that moment, and not a good thing to dwell on.

 

I agree with you...but sometimes it is so hard not to look back and think, "WOW - why didn't I see this coming!" or to realize..."whoa...I guess I did see it, but I just closed my eyes and hoped it would go away."

[Ester Maria]

I agree with you...but sometimes it is so hard not to look back and think, "WOW - why didn't I see this coming!" or to realize..."whoa...I guess I did see it, but I just closed my eyes and hoped it would go away."

Yes, definitely. It is often hard to decide which one is the case.